Neither Here, Nor There

Most people may not understand this statement at first, some may claim it as offensive because it does not fit their purpose, and some may get the gist third-culture-kids-IVFthe article is attempting to make. Living a life in adversity and discrimination takes its toll. Surviving and coming out of it and living to tell the truth is a blessing in itself. The primary purpose to share the truth is to help the NEXT in social justice. Secrecy and stigma are the real culprits which creates both ignorance and lack of awareness and the continued lack of laws which victimizes innocents including children. Throughout history of humankind, social justice issues at first are not welcomed with open arms, faced stiff opposition, needless victims, state derived persecution, defamation, false criminal charges, secrecy, lies, conspiracies, etc. only to finally succumb to eventuality of TRUTH. And that’s where the journey of IVF children and families is today in 2014 – ugly truth that no one wants to address. Needless child victims are created held in purgatory of legal limbo and along with them are their IVF parents who may have suffered and struggled for years in silence before being blessed with an IVF child. Is the state of inaction a message to instead abandon IVF children instead of fighting for their basic human rights if not equal rights? The extended purgatory in legal limbo places innocent IVF children and families “neither here, nor there“.

For those who question the legitimacy of an immigrant Eunuch having legal custody of an immigrant IVF child in the US in 2009 – here is a simple question – Could this have been accomplished without abandoning an IVF child – a sibling in India and thus leaving no legal defense or chance to present the facts for the biological IVF parent to get due process? More importantly, can another immigrant Eunuch repeat this based on prevailing laws? The right answer is to pass laws. Even more importantly, has due process and justice been served to the innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister? Can we “de-couple” the lack of rights of the immigrant IVF father from the “rights of IVF children”? The abuse suffered by the spouse and the innocent IVF child and the crimes to break the laws went unreported the first time, why should it be unreported again?

For those who question the love of the biological parent – a father of his IVF children can go through the site and understand that it is lack of basic human respect and dignity of his IVF children which is the center here. A parent’s love comes in various ways but to have a parent’s gender used as a tool to discriminate against children is dispeccable. It is one thing to have anti-gay laws, anti-IVF laws, anti-intersex laws but to actually use them to split innocent brother and sister is heinous. Just like being a spouse caregiver of an Eunuch and then again an immigrant IVF parent showed patience and resilience, that is the correct path – a path to become the change one wants to see in this world. Don’t judge before comprehending or listening. We have all they sympathy for Eunuchs, where is the sympathy for Eunuch families – spouses and children? Or are they LESS of a human being…? There is a learning and a teaching opportunity and an opportunity to allow the love of siblings to grow and prosper – which one we take? A parent’s love is endless (who happens to be a father) and it is the love for the children which is why he managed to stay alive – the abuse, the torture, the secrecy, the lies would have killed a person a long time ago.

It is difficult to make sense of what to feel worse about – a decade of secrecy, lies, crimes, abuse, torture OR one’s gender being used to discriminate against innocent children? If the love of a father is somehow less than that of a mother who neither gave birth nor has any biological connection to the child, how does one explain the love of a single father, the love of gay fathers or love of a father who is both caring for a spouse and a child? If you are a parent, you would want the best for your child regardless and that’s what this is about – no more secrecy, no more lies, no more crimes, just the truth.

IVF Children and Family – Neither Here, Nor There

An Indian citizen IVF brother wants to come to India but is disallowed his wish, neither here nor there.

A US citizen IVF father is living in India because his IVF daughter – the sibling his IVF son wanted cannot travel outside India – neither here, nor there.

International Adoption laws allow for subsidiarity where biological siblings are allowed to grow up together, immigration laws require a “biological link” between children and parent, but land of no laws exists for IVF brother and sister forced to grow up separately – neither here, nor there.

“Neither here, nor there” has been used before. In India and several other Asian countries, the “third gender” or legally defined as Eunuch has existed for a long time. Western countries are waking up to the “natural reality” and also passing similar laws recognizing the “third gender” and moving away from “binary gender” legal definitions like Australia, New Zealand, and Germany. It is ironic that western media reports that Germany is the “first country in the world in 2013” to recognize the third gender legally. Are the rest of 4 billion people living outside North America and Europe not part of the “world”? More importantly, it is this ignorance and lack of awareness which creates the “neither here, nor there” syndrome universally for everyone in the world who legally defines them as Eunuch. Being a Eunuch in itself is traumatic but also is accompanied by other real-life situations like infertility. And if laws require a “biological link” for immigration of IVF children, how will Eunuchs ever get legal custody of children? Similarly, the lack of awareness and ignorance about IVF and the real life situations it creates for IVF children and families is placing IVF children in legal limbo (even if inadvertently) in a case of “neither here, nor there“.

Secrecy and Stigma are the biggest culprits for Neither Here, Nor There

For an immigrant, Eunuch, IVF family in 2000s, the lack of laws, lack of human rights, lack of basic human decency and respect is DOUBLED – once as a Eunuch family forced to live in secrecy and lies and second as an IVF family again forced to live in secrecy and lies and ultimately punishing the most innocent of the innocent – the innocent, voiceless IVF children in legal limbo. It is tiring to live “neither here, nor there”. People who are Eunuchs are born this way naturally, others are made this way – living neither here, nor there. Is a spouse of Eunuch having the effects of neither here, nor there? Are children of an Eunuch marriage having the effects of neither here, nor there? The important point here is the need for laws so every human being can have an equal right to live freely. Some are born Eunuchs, some are living the effects of Eunuchs, how?

  • A Eunuch may be living in secrecy and lies with stigma. When a spouse marries an Eunuch, are they also forced to live in secrecy and stigma knowingly or unknowingly? What are the effects of living in secrecy and lies on any human being? The loss of freedom is disrecpectful to any human being regardless of being a Eunuch or not.
  • A Eunuch may need surgery to identify themselves better. What if the surgery is performed during the marriage without proper support or information? It is traumatic for an Eunuch to have to undergo this, what is it like to go through this as a spouse of an Eunuch with no support and in silence? Did the experience occur or should the spouse continue to lie and live in secrecy like Eunuchs have and how will this exactly help anyone?
  • A Eunuch is infertile. A spouse of a Eunuch does not leave the marriage, has children through IVF, continues the lies and secrecy while raising the IVF child, the laws are broken because Eunuchs have lived in secrecy and lies. Infertility is very traumatic, the roller coaster ride experiences are unique to each person going through it, do these experiences affect ONLY the infertile person or does it affect BOTH spouses in an infertile marriage? Should the fertile spouse have left the Eunuch marriage instead?
  • IVF is a great medical technology that affords infertile or dysfertile people with children. Sadly, the laws have not caught up with technology placing some IVF children in legal limbo. Now the innocent, voiceless IVF children of an Eunuch marriage also have to be subjected to the legal limbo of neither here, nor there.

Being a spouse caregiver of Eunuch and an immigrant IVF parent in 2000s is not friendly, nor legal. But it has happened, now what? Do we continue the adversity, punish the innocent IVF siblings of an Eunuch marriage gone bad, continue to live in secrecy and lies or say the truth in hopes of NOT repeating the cycles of secrecy and lies?

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