Is it true? I was left for dead but miraculously survived due to the love and support of my family. So I for one believe in this statement. Question is are my IVF children “good people”? Will “good things” happen to them? Will my innocent, voiceless IVF children be silenced?
“The Taliban failed to silence us” – Malala Yousafzai
As per a recent study in the US, there are 65.7 Million family caregivers in the US. Out of which about 33% are male, about 13% are spouse caregivers and less than 4% of the caregivers are below the age of 35. As a young, male, spouse caregiver, I thought I was doing something “good”. In another study, women are 6 times more likely to be divorced or be left alone by their spouses or partners when diagnosed with a traumatic condition. As a spouse caregiver by staying in a marriage, I thought I was doing something “good”. I was working on “feelings”, something I have been since taught that for men to have “feelings” is like fake jewelry. We are only supposed to show “feelings”, no one actually cares if we have “real feelings”. We will delve on “feelings” and “gender” a little later.
What Lies Underneath
What started out as something simply following your heart and being “good” to fellow human beings turned into a massive learning experience. Worse, it has turned into a punishment for my IVF children who are innocent and voiceless. Every marriage has issues, it is the ability to come through it. As a family caregiver, I put my education on hold. As a direct consequence, certain career paths became non-existent especially in the line of finance and business. Money is not everything in life, love is…right, I tried that. The entire relationship became about servitude and slavery to secrecy and lies. You see the “traumatic medical condition” is intersex, something still TABOO and not to be talked about openly. Then how do we DEAL with EFFECTS of INTERSEX to people like us? As victims, how do we get relief without being able to voice our concerns?
1) Because the spouse is intersex, an intersex surgery was needed which was based on a concealment based approach using lies, secrecy, coercion and misinformation. While we had NO evidence until 2013 that the surgery was unnecessary and was torture when the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP. Apparently, we are one of the several “guinea pigs” in medical experimentation of intersex without our knowledge.
2) Because of intersex in the family, there is infertility. Infertility has several solutions but as immigrants to the US, the solutions become limited. International IVF is one of those solutions but immigration rights are still NOT equal for intersex families. While gay and intersex families are different, from a legal perspective, they are treated the same especially when it comes to immigration and marital rights. Till recently, gay marriage was illegal in the US and so was immigration of gay spouses. What is the status for intersex marriage and immigration based on intersex marriage?
LOVE – Have Some Compassion
We have every sympathy for an intersex person and let our actions speak for themselves. What we also have is sympathy for EFFECTS of intersex on families when it comes to infertility, immigration and marital rights. It is a LACK of these rights for intersex families is why the innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister are SEPARATED. Maulik became an inadvertent familypreuneur in dealing with intersex issues and effects of an intersex marriage. Family means LOVE and TRUST and RESPECT for each other. There is no room for LIES, SECRECY, and FRAUD. Regardless of whether it is a heterosexual, gay, lesbian, intersex marriage or relationship, LOVE IS defined the SAME way.
If an intersex person has EVERY right to “feel” how they want, does the spouse have a right to “feel” how they want based on the discrimination faced as a member of the intersex family? Are both EQUAL humans? Being intersex is natural and something not in a person’s control but secrecy and lying about it is in a person’s control including STRIPPING rights from an unsuspecting, unknowing spouse.
Certain things ALWAYS remain true even though it may be SHOCKING when they first are revealed and there is a huge resistance to CHANGE. Galileo’s observation that earth revolves around the sun and not the other way around. Even though Galileo was defamed, tortured and humiliated at the time, today we all KNOW he was saying the TRUTH.
In the future, there will be people born with CAIS with male testes and NO ovaries or uterus and have a genetic makeup of “XY”. Just because some doctor chose to LIE and create a FRAUD medical record (a crime) does not make a CAIS person have “ovaries”. There is a severe traumatic phase when one undergoes this surgery and treatment, a caregiver would know intimately. Can the person be a PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for an infant at the same time? Because the spouse was being “good” with the secrecy and lies, somehow it is OK to separate his son from him now? or to SEPARATE a brother from his sister?
People like Tony Briffa and Edie Windsor are the true faces of LGBTI because they are being HONEST. They are leading the way on how to get EQUAL rights. If gender is based on how someone “feels” and NOT chromosomal makeup like “XX” or “XY” or any other variation, the only thing we “feel” is honesty and respect for LAWS is needed especially in a sacred relationship like LOVE – truth is paramount. If someone’s HUMAN RIGHTS are violated, say the truth and fight for EQUAL rights but do not trample on other people’s human rights by victimizing innocent, unsuspecting people.
Had there been NO intent to lie, cheat, fraud the spouse in an illegal marriage, there would be NO continuation of LIES and FRAUD to separate an innocent son from his sibling and only known biological family at any and all costs.
Do good things happen to good people? Let us hope children are counted as people and not a trophy for infertility and something good does happen to them.