The definition for “entrepreneur” as provided by the dictionary is : one who organizes, manages, and takes on the risks of a business or enterprise. Then what is a “familypreneur“? Is it ” one who organizes, manages, and takes on the risks of a family”? Typically, this is a role that women have taken on traditionally or naturally. There are women who may take offense to have it “expected” out of them Vs. there are women who may take offense if its not mentioned. As in other things in life, one cannot make everyone happy. But you start a discussion somewhere, silence is the worst form of abuse. From first hand accounts from victims of rape, domestic violence and abuse, it has come to realization that staying SILENT is wrong and allows the abuser to abuse more. TRUTH is the only way forward.
Mothers are great, the traditional familypreneur. They have multiple roles as primary caregiver, primary healer, primary forgiver, primary compassionate and loving person and keeps the “family” glued together just to name a few. It is not that a mother makes you a meal or whatever else but how she does it with tender love and care that makes a mother different in ALL regards. When there are two genetic males in a relationship, who is the “traditional familypreneur”? When a child arrives (technology is amazing!), who is the “traditional familypreneur” between two genetic males? Do we have the laws and resources and social organizations to help relationships between two genetic males like domestic violence, abuse, equal rights, etc? For those who believe its time to move on, we welcome you to know the TRUTH and FACTS and you will understand that the young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND an IVF father is not someone who GIVES UP. Had he given up, the intersex person would have been devastated long time ago, the IVF children would NEVER have been born and more than likely, his life would have ended a long time ago if giving up is the cause. So, GIVING UP is not the answer, TRUTH with COMPASSION is. The spouse always showed compassion but was missing the TRUTH part and its never too late to start speaking the truth, especially when INNOCENT children are involved. The lion inside the IVF father has woken up for the sake of his CHILDREN. The issue is neither intersex nor infertility, the issue is LYING and BREAKING the LAWS including abusing innocent infants and denying them their rights.
I Have A Dream…
I have a dream that someday IVF children and families will have EQUAL rights and NOT be a slave or hostage to infertility, secrecy and stigma. Infertility is very traumatic, why continue the burden onto innocent, voiceless IVF children after they are born due to unequal laws?
I have a dream that someday a child’s rights is NOT based on their parent’s gender.
I have a dream that someday what will matter MOST is the love for the child as a parent and NOT a parent’s gender.
I have a dream that someday IVF parents are able to say the TRUTH to their IVF children without any stigma or REQUIRING a court order to say the TRUTH.
I have a dream that someday IVF families will be allowed to CELEBRATE IVF with their IVF children instead of SUPPRESSING the FACTS and LYING and CENSORSHIP.
I have a dream that someday the ONLY thing that matters is TRUTH.
Relentless Servitude and Repeated Lying and Breaking the Laws
Intersex marriage is illegal just like same-sex marriage is illegal. So if you are in love with a same-sex person, do you convince them to commit fraud and break the laws? Or do you both UNITE as a family and fight for equal rights so that you can marry legally? Falling in love with same-sex person is “Personal” while “legal marriage” is a public policy issue. If you lie, cheat, and fraud into an intersex marriage, does that mean the marriage is legal? Does that mean that other intersex people can ALSO marry legally? Isn’t it better to fight for equal rights and the greater good than just thinking selfishly for yourself? This is about living on the EDGE of medical science and on the EDGE of social justice. Take a journey into why a DECADE of secrecy and lies is a failed approach and why TRUTH with compassion is the right answer. While the Asian cultures recognize the “third gender” legally, the western culture forces everyone into a “binary gender” and regardless the laws in the west also consider intersex marriage illegal.
Maybe if you lied, cheated, and frauded into a marriage, if you truly love the person, you apologize, ask for forgiveness and move on. If there is compassion, there will be life after that. The secrecy helps NO ONE. There are several intersex people who have intersex surgery either in childhood, or in puberty or as an adult but NOT DURING MARRIAGE. When a spouse of intersex experiences intersex surgery DURING MARRIAGE, he is not only taking RISK for the family but it is UNKNOWN RISK. The spouse becomes a caregiver overnight due to the medications, the treatment. There are several marriages where a spouse may have a “life-changing” health condition like a young war veteran amputee or a breast cancer treatment and so on. Several spouses STAY and help out as a caregiver. More importantly, the spouses are allowed to share the TRUTH and seek HELP. The young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex is FORCED into SILENCE and thereby DENIED any HELP. Is that abuse? The intersex person and their health providers thought ONLY about the intersex patient, NOT the caregiver, NOT the FAMILY. Because the health providers ONLY have protocols for helping intersex people and their parents, NONE for spouse of intersex. The spouse of intersex takes on UNKNOWN RISK for the family, manages and organizes everything in SILENCE. The intersex surgery is NOT abuse but the effects of it are including violence abuse and threats. Creating FRAUD LEGAL DOCUMENTS is a CRIME regardless of justifications. The way it is being dealt with DURING A MARRIAGE is abuse and a gross violation of human rights. Since the marriage is ILLEGAL, can there be any charges of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE? Technically, the marriage is between two genetic males, are there any LAWS for violence and abuse of male Vs. male? The spouse is rendered into the land of invisible in the eyes of law. As the old addage goes, till death do us apart. The spouse witnessed the WORST possible stages that an individual can go through…a transition that affects you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, in EVERY WAY possible. The spouse managed, organized the family in SILENCE, STOOD BY the intersex SPOUSE, DID NOT LEAVE THE MARRIAGE. In all these times, the spouse did not even care for himself, something most family caregivers are guilty of. Does that mean we can ABUSE them?
Then came the child. Biologically, two genetic males cannot have a child. However, medical technology like in vitro fertilization (IVF) is amazing and helps infertile or dysfertile couples. It is expensive. As a YOUNG couple, we did not have the FINANCIAL resources to have an IVF child in the US. India, our country of citizenship, had just opened up commercial surrogacy. Sadly, there were NO agencies or subject matter experts to help us organize and manage IVF in India while we live in the US. Plus we were dealing with infertility in secrecy as the intersex spouse in NO WAY wanted anyone to know about the infertility just like intersex. ROUND 2 of failed approach of SECRECY and LIES. As a result, we had NO access to bioethicists, women’s organizations, proper counseling for IVF – the pros and cons from a neutral partner. We were young, foolish and desperate for a child. Had the TRUTH been known, most people would have asked us to WAIT to have a child. We LIED, we kept SECRETS and got a lovely IVF child. During those times as the biological parent, the fertile spouse spent sleepless nights talking to the IVF clinic in India and gathering information about his soon to be born FIRST CHILD. For any parent, thats a MOMENT of great JOY. However because the IVF procedure was SECRET, because we could NOT tell our family and friends, the fertile spouse was NOT allowed to SHARE the JOY of having a child. Is that CRUEL? Wouldn’t have been better to just say the TRUTH? Just like the ongoing caregiving experience was in silence, the becoming a PARENT was experienced in SILENCE. The IVF child was born, fraud LEGAL documents were CREATED AGAIN just like the intersex surgery, and the IVF child was illegally brought to the US. This was probably the single BIGGEST RISK taken for the family. Instead of celebrating the FIRST IVF CHILD of an Eunuch marriage in India or known as intersex elsewhere, why should we be silenced? It is a SYMBOL of everything that intersex or Eunuchs are fighting for worldwide – EQUALITY.
Raising The First IVF Child of an Eunuch Marriage
Mothers are great and I love my mother. Who is the “mother” for a child between two genetic males? Unless you are opposed to gay marriage and we can stop the discussion. Who is the “mother” for a child in a gay couple? In an IVF child case, who is the “legal mother”? the anonymous egg donor or the surrogate or the two genetic males? Rather than focusing on “mother”, we can discuss about the “primary care provider”. One spouse was under medical treatment for intersex surgery and still coming to terms with the ongoing hormonal treatment. Also, they had a broken leg making it physically impractical to carry an infant, change the diapers on the infant, taking the infant out for a walk with their broken leg, and so many other things that a “primary care provider” does. While it is very TRAUMATIC for the intersex spouse, who DID the “primary care provider” duties for the INFANT? Did his diaper get changed automatically? Did someone pick him up automatically? Did someone take him out for walks, to the park, look after his development while one spouse was recovering from multiple tragedies? Could it be the young, male, spouse caregiver who also DOUBLED up as the biological parent who had already spend several sleepless nights waiting in SILENCE for this bundle of love to arrive? Could he manage and organize and take the RISK for the family, his own son? Could he be the primary care provider for his own son for whom he had struggled so hard?
The intersex spouse gradually kept getting better at the cost of silence of the fertile spouse caregiver and the innocent infant. If she is a butterfly today, we have both experienced and witnessed the ugly stage of larvae. The silence and abuse was unbearable and the fertile spouse asked for a divorce. This shook the foundation of the intersex spouse. One, the marriage was illegal, second there was NO biological connection with the IVF child, a DNA test would prove that, and third and probably the most important one, who else and how else would she get ANOTHER child in this lifetime? Sadly, the LAWS for intersex are unequal and living as a binational immigrant in the US, makes it only WORSE for IVF families and children. Does that mean its OK to SPLIT a child from his primary care provider, his father? Does that mean its OK to SPLIT an IVF child from his only knownn biological family? We have shown our sympathy, empathy, compassion more in ACTION than in words for the traumatic case of intersex, but we are humans too, we have human rights too, or do we? More importantly, our IVF children deserve EQUAL rights and should not be INVISIBLE in the eyes of the law. We need a LEGAL IDENTITY for our IVF children. SECRECY AND LIES is NOT the answer. The abuse, violence, threats perpetrated upon us CANNOT BE ALLOWED to be perpetrated on innocent children in the name of “compassion”. Say the TRUTH. The spouse caregiver of intersex and IVF father is LUCKY to be alive. There are several other fertile people who have been murdered or killed or other such things so that an infertile person can take their child away. This is DIFFERENT. This is more like the “baby scoop era” of the 1940s to 1970s when children were taken away from their biological mothers because they were “single” and it was “socially unacceptable” at the time. There were forced adoptions which were LEGALIZED then only for the governments to be APOLOGIZING now. Can the childhoods be RESTORED? Is this case of “LEGAL KIDNAPPING” by suppression of FACTS? What we want is RESPECT the LAWS. If the LAWS are unEQUAL then fight for EQUAL LAWS but BREAKING the LAWS while abusing someone else is NOT the right approach.
This case is AHEAD of its times. Thats OK. If I were to be murdered or be silenced somehow, let TRUTH prevail.