Why DENY a father and IVF son to be together?

“It is better to beg forgiveness, than ask permission.” ― Grace Murray Hopper

“It is better to fight for EQUAL rights, than break the LAWS and create innocent victims.”

“Repeated pattern of lying creates multiple victims aside from breaking laws”

Looking for an Erin Brockowich or “Pam Landy” from the movie “The Bourne Ultimatum”. Anyone willing to give it ALL to uncover the TRUTH and provide relief to the VICTIMS?

What MORE could a father have done to force him to live WITHOUT his IVF son?

We did show ultimate compassion but in return we are left with existential issues like securing LEGAL RIGHTS for an IVF child with “NO LEGAL MOTHER”. As a left behind IVF father with a stranded and abandoned IVF daughter in a state of LEGAL LIMBO is left to look for answers like getting her a valid birth certificate, a valid passport, a valid school admission, and so on and on. All the while, the IVF father is living in separation from his IVF son in the US who he cannot see and participate with as he is growing up. The victimization and trauma is mind-numbing. It is one thing to victimize the spouse of intersex but its completely different to victimize innocent IVF children with LIES and breaking the LAWS. We want compassion and truth for our IVF children – IVF siblings deliberately separated.

It is a FACT that there was every INTENT to provide a sibling for the IVF child. If the agreement for IVF was combined, why did the other intended parent not show up at time of birth of IVF child? Why not fulfill the “intent” to provide a sibling? What if the IVF child was brought back to the USA first and then the vicious divorce was filed, would the IVF siblings have been together? As an IVF father in 2013 left with an abandoned IVF child with “NO LEGAL MOTHER”, it is important to speak up for the IVF child’s rights. Even if the “legal mother” had died at birth or a divorce was granted with NO rights of the “legal mother” to the child or any such situation of a “natural born child”, the innocent child would NOT be in a LEGAL LIMBO. The IVF case make it “special” because the laws see it that way, the LAWS make a distinction between an IVF child and a natural born child. A spouse of intersex becomes an IVF father DIRECTLY as a cause of showing compassion to an intersex and NOT because he is infertile. Today, he is left alone picking up the pieces of a dysfunctional intersex marriage. Worse, his IVF children have become ping pong balls in 2013. Maybe by 2113, the EQUAL laws we seek will have arrived. So is it the children’s fault to be born ahead of their times? Is it the IVF father’s fault to show compassion ahead of our times? Let truth prevail so justice can prevail.

It is better to ask for forgiveness than permission

1) While lying (and ask for permission later) may be valid in so many “typical” cases in both personal and professional lives, is it valid when it involves breaking the laws? As a spouse, we may have splurged a little once in a while either on us or on your loved one even though the family finances maybe in ruins. You ask for forgiveness later. As a co-worker, we may have given a commitment for a project deadline without consulting ALL the members of the team but understanding that the project is high profile and when the “bonus” arrives, we ask for forgiveness later. The list can go on. Was there a minor “violation” of the other individuals “right to know”, sure but will they forgive? Were any LAWS broken? Were there any innocent VICTIMS?

2) An intersex person knows about their medical condition at least by puberty. And if it is also prevalent in the family and a gynecologist is in the family, an intersex person and their family knows about their condition at least by the time they are an adult. Is this something they should inform a potential spouse or lie to them and beg for forgiveness later? Besides, intersex marriages are considered illegal meaning by hiding the FACTS from the potential spouse, one has now made him BREAK the law unknowingly. While the intersex person is in the know all the while. Is that fraud? Is that a crime?

3) Sadly for several decades, the medical community has institutionalized a complex web of secrecy and lies to deal with intersex. As a spouse of intersex and a victim, secrecy and lies are a failed approach. As a human being, all we ask is truth and transparency. Do NOT complicate the matters by justifying lies as “greater good”. Sit in the middle of the eye of the storm and then judge. Is falsifying medical records wrong by asking forgiveness later? Is it a crime? What are the implications on innocent victims by a false medical record? What if the victims are innocent children? Where is the “greater good”?

4) Inadvertently or deliberately, after decades of brainwashing (for lack of a better term), the medical system has justified its lying and somehow taught the innocent intersex individuals and families that its OK to lie and cheat the system. They even provide them “valid” medical documents to perpetrate the fraud. The documents may be “valid” because the fraud is institutionalized but is NOT factual. Sadly, the lying becomes part of an intersex person’s life. And regardless of being intersex or not, LYING is NOT a good foundation to begin ANY relationship. Trust and love are good foundations for a strong relationship. The medical establishment has created VICTIMS out of intersex persons and directly made victims out of spouse of intersex and their IVF children.

5) In a repeated pattern of lying and a pattern of being rewarded by the “system” by justifying the lying and breaking the laws, the intersex person now moves  on to separate an innocent child from his only known biological family and his primary care provider, his father at the time. Even worse, in the thirst to have a child at ANY and ALL costs, an innocent IVF sibling is stranded and abandoned in a state of LEGAL LIMBO. A future of the innocent child is held in a LEGAL LIMBO all because an infertile person wanted a child at any and all costs. Worse, the innocent grandparents of the IVF child are forced into raising an infant as they are aging which directly affects their health and further increasing the count of number of victims. The spouse of the intersex and an IVF father is torn between two IVF children – one in the US while the other in India and is made a REPEAT VICTIM of lies. A movie in the 1980s, Sophie’s choice, comes to mind how a mother was tragically placed in an awful situation by the Nazi to pick one child over the other.

Help and Support For Children with “NO LEGAL MOTHER”

If a man leaves a woman midway through pregnancy, there are laws and social organizations who come to the rescue of the innocent child and mother. Where are the LAWS and social organizations to the rescue of the innocent child and father when a man is left midway through pregnancy? Does the child have LESS needs? Clearly, we are dealing with multiple issues here. In the future, when gay marriages and children of gay couples where “NO MOTHER” exists becomes “typical”, only then we will get such laws and later social organizations who fight for EQUAL rights of such people. Currently, there is a “social unacceptance” of men being the primary care provider like single mothers were “socially unacceptable” during the baby scoop era. US has shown tolerance (dont like the word but cannot find a better word to describe) on social issues first with abolishing slavery, women suffrage, voting rights, civil rights, interracial marriage, now gay marriage is in a transition. When will intersex and spouse of intersex and IVF children and their issues allowed to be discussed openly to get EQUAL rights?

Years ago, a subtle movement started in the US. Toys like Barbie dolls, Superheroes, etc. started coming in African American figurines. It showed acceptance at a corporate level to the differing diaspora of the community in the US. As acceptance grew socially and years later, USA elected its first African American President. I am certain there were worthy African American individuals who existed before worthy of becoming a President but the TIME WAS NOT RIGHT. Today, the “social acceptance” is parenting = motherhood and there is no other parent. I shudder to think what women feel about gay parents where there is “NO LEGAL MOTHER”? In this special case of IVF children, there is “NO LEGAL MOTHER”, so how do such children get EQUAL rights? As gay marriages move forward and social acceptance of children being raised by gay fathers or single fathers where there is “NO MOTHER”, let us hope similar subtle changes in social behavior and more importantly laws will come. Who is the “mother” between two genetic males? Somehow, “infertility treatment” is ONLY affecting women and men who go through IVF have NO FEELINGS for the IVF child and several months (sometimes years) of sleepless nights, trauma, anxiety, prayers, and so on DOES NOT affect IVF fathers? Where are the experts on “human rights” advocating for EQUAL rights for ALL? The point is NOT fathers or mothers are BETTER, the point is give CREDIT where CREDIT is due given the family situation. 

Do we forgive or follow the LAWS in the best interest of the innocent, voiceless victims? Do we continue the victimization or provide relief to the victims? Has lying and secrecy helped anyone? Will truth and honesty help including securing EQUAL rights for IVF children and families for future generations?

It is better to fight for EQUAL rights, than break the LAWS and create innocent victims.