Modi Case

“All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming.” – Helen Keller

Maulik is afraid for his life and finds it important to document seeking a correction in the current dealing of intersex during marriage. In this unique case of intersex surgery during marriage, Maulik neither feels comfortable in talking with men or women but finds other caregivers (a genderless role) most comforting. Finding another spouse experiencing intersex surgery during marriage has a 1 in a BILLION chance. Before Maulik dies, he wants his children to be united. After years of trauma and abuse, Maulik was left for dead but thanks to a loving family he has survived. We agree that intersex is very traumatic and we have shown relentless compassion. The result cannot be not being able to hug or kiss or participate in our child’s life. No one deserves to go through so much human-imposed trauma ever again. As a civilized society, we can do better. This case has multiple “FIRSTS” but basics are the same – truth Vs. secrecy for which getting to know the facts is critical. The real culprit is secrecy and stigma which make it worse than the medical condition itself. No one person is bigger than the cause of equal child rights. If we had cared for a ovarian or prostate cancer survivor, would we have received different treatment including having the siblings growing up together? If there were no morals and compassion, we would not have reached this far. Legally, this case is as complex as it gets. It has family law issues, criminal law issues, child’s rights, intersex rights, immigration rights, international law, caregiver rights, human rights, and on and on. Above all, this is about innocent siblings being allowed to grow up together and not about adults. We are speaking the truth to UNITE the innocent siblings and show them the power of TRUTH. There is an acknowledgement that there is a severe lack of laws which led to several twisted judgments and decisions but let silence be NOT the cause for the innocent siblings to grow up separately. We pray and hope that by education and spreading awareness of this unique case it will highlight the severe need for change in laws or else the message is showing compassion and love is ILLEGAL.The choice is simple. If the innocent siblings are united, then saying the truth and showing compassion and love is right. If the innocent siblings grow up separately, then complex web of secrecy, lies, untruths and showing compassion and love is stupid is the message. Which message do we want to give the innocent children as they are starting their lives? Its 2013, are we ready to talk about equal rights for IVF families and intersex? The children are losing their precious childhood and are fast running out of time. If you care about innocent children then you will join us to get laws changed which requires stating the TRUTH. Secrecy, lies, frauding unsuspecting and innocent individuals is a failed approach and is criminal. Between two genetic males, one undergoing medical treatment, who is the “traditional mother”?

HAS VEDANT, A BROTHER, ABANDONED MEDHAVI, HIS SISTER? THEN WHY CAN’T THEY MEET? There is NO BIGGER SLAP ON THE FACE, sorry mind, heart, and soul than the INSULT OF YOUR CHILD.

A Child’s Wish – It was 2006, Vedant was little bit over 2 years and wanted a sibling. Well son, thanks to your innocent wish, you have a lovely baby sister born after 3 failed IVF attempts – lot of struggles and trauma. Your father had to come to India to raise your little sister as she was abandoned and could not come to the US in a diabolical scheme. Any claim that the siblings were NOT meant to be together is ridiculous and for personal gains. The fact is the little sister was 6 months term in a surrogate’s womb in India when divorce was filed. The ongoing IVF pregnancy was not even mentioned in the divorce papers withholding key information from the courts. She is 3 years now and it has been 6 years since you made your innocent wish. We are all waiting for you to be united with your little sister for the first time. After a decade of secrecy and stigma of being in an intersex relationship, trauma of dealing with infertility and lack of laws for intersex couples to have children legally, there is no need to continue the trauma. It is better to educate, spread awareness and ask for equal rights. We have gathered the strength to say the truth. It is NEVER TOO LATE to say the TRUTH. And as a lesson for the children, we will say the truth with civility, humility and dignity and leave the abuse out unless pressed. Deliberately splitting loving biological families and siblings is never in anyone’s best interest. What if tomorrow for whatever reasons, the person again abandons a child who is not biologically related to them? The concern is about the innocent children.

There are those who think just let it be…if Maulik had done that 10 years ago when fraud was discovered and walked away instead of showing compassion, none of this would have happened. Is that the message – show no compassion? We want to educate our children with compassion and truth.

Knowledge Alone Can Get You Your Rights – Amitabh Bachchan from KBC 2012

We want to be able hug, kiss, and participate in Vedant’s life. Anything short of that is not compassionate. The desperation of an infertile family is understandable faced with divorce and losing a non-biological child. But the trauma cannot be above the biological siblings growing up separately. There maybe a thousand good characteristics of the infertile partner that the rest of the world experiences but only the fertile spouse and his biological children have to deal with infertility and its domino effects. Even though the siblings are five years apart, to their only known biological parent, their father Maulik, they are like twins. Call it the magic of IVF. After being taught how to lie for a decade by a desperate infertile family, the lesson learnt is lying does not help, truth is a better option. This case is NOT about gender, it is about the truth and the future – the innocent children and their equal rights. End secrecy with truth and respect. The truth is so surreal that no need to make up lies. The issue is not WITH intersex but effects OF intersex like secrecy, stigma, infertility, controversial surgery, trauma, unequal laws, and so on which is experienced by ALL members of an intersex marriage. It’s the indifference.  All medical literature point that the intersex family have knowledge at least by puberty and if there are more members in the family and if there is a gynecologist in the family there obviously is full knowledge. Then why fraud an unknowing person? Intersex or non-intersex,  everyone can agree truth and trust are paramount in the sanctity of a relationship. If the facts were allowed to be presented in the court, the innocent child would be with his biological family because the prevailing laws support that. We suffered a decade under imposed silence and the trauma continues even now where we cannot even touch, feel our child and are alienated from him. We feel the trauma every day.

After standing shoulder to shoulder through very traumatic situations – intersex and infertility, Maulik asks for divorce. What terrible things must have happened?

People who take innocent kids away from biological families is not out of hate for the child but because they love the child. But is it right for the child? Is it they love themselves more than their love for the child? We give the intersex patient rest of their life to find one person out of 7 billion to go through what Maulik and family did and have a child. The point is it shows the desperate motive to get custody of a non-biological child at all costs including abandoning the innocent’s child’s own sibling and disallowing him to see her little sister or his loving father and family. What is the message? To Be Compassionate or not? We are interested in the child’s best interest. The current solution of not even allowing to let the siblings meet is not right. We as a civilized society can do better than that. If parental alienation is child abuse, what is biological family alienation? The question is given the unique circumstances and documented medical symptoms of depression, irritability, mood swings, aggression, trauma, crisis, and so on, when did the nurture of Vedant start during the transition phase? In order to be a provider, one needs to provide time. Given the extreme medical condition during the transitionary phase, can one be a primary care provider, traditionally assigned to a “mother”. Between two genetic males, one undergoing medical treatment, who is the “traditional mother”? We want to explore space and get to Mars. We want it to be safe since humans are involved. Why can’t we apply precautions of science and sensitivity in dealing with infants by an intersex person undergoing a controversial treatment? There are intersex people who are good parents but here the issue is of timing. Are we forgetting the innocent children in our zeal to help an adult intersex and infertile patient? It is sad that we have to demand the truth and science from the medical community, an educated class.

Women are a symbol of strength and compassion. Medhavi, Vedant’s little sister has the power to unite.

Public Policy Issues

As a young, male, spousal caregiver and an in vitro fertilisation (IVF) parent, Maulik is a minority and alienated. His lack of rights are implicitly imposed on the IVF children with LESS rights and LESS legal recognition. Maulik is looking for equal child rights just like any other passionate parent would. This case is ALL about equality and social justice from the start where prevailing laws fall short for intersex people, IVF families and caregivers. We are convinced in the future, the equal rights we are seeking will become reality just like interracial marriage, same-sex marriage and so on. But will the siblings benefit from them by growing up apart during their childhood? Only truth can change laws. Is withholding facts about a known genetic condition from your spouse worse than cheating? And who gets the kids – the cheating spouse or the caring spouse? It does make you wonder if one is up against an individual or a special interest group? Would a special interest group have the best interest of the child ahead of theirs or the objective is to get a child at all costs including isolating and alienating him from his own biological family.

Is there a difference between an IVF parent and an intended parent? Is there a difference between a sperm donor or an egg donor or surrogate and an IVF parent? An IVF parent is connected to the child through blood and can never leave the innocent child after all the struggles of IVF and infertility. Are there laws to protect the IVF parent and their children’s rights?

Personal Issues

Why Now? As Vedant said, “I want to grow up with my sister“. We are thinking about the best interests of the siblings. Vedant, an Indian citizen, is NOT allowed to visit India to see his only biological siblings and family. We shared Vedant with an infertile family and served as a caregiver but today we effectively have NO SHARED CUSTODY or visits. Have the prevailing laws been followed? When you tuck your children or grandchildren in tonight, will you teach them about Love and Truth? Any human may withstand multiple wrongs against them but NOT against their children. The price of compassion and love cannot be losing your child or seeing your children separated. What message do we give the innocent children? It is important to state the facts with humility, civility and dignity without euphemisms which confuse or distort the facts. We can only arrive at a solution if the facts are known. This case is looking ahead about equal child rights – uniting innocent siblings, equal rights for IVF babies and families, and equal caregiver rights. In his unique capacity, Maulik today finds more support from Alzheimer caregiver support groups than anyone else, typically the spousal caregiver age is much more. He has aged by decades in some respect. The secrecy and stigma around intersex reminds us of the taboo around HIV/AIDS or being gay in the 1980s or 90s. We cannot even talk about intersex as a medical condition let alone discuss the issues caused due to intersex and come to a solution. Why? As a young, male, spousal caregiver of intersex, Maulik was constantly discriminated against, we cannot have repetition of the discrimination against the innocent siblings because of taboo. Only truth can change laws.

Acknowledging facts is the first step to a solution. Are we still in denial phase?

Give Respect To Get Respect

1) The issue is NOT whether intersex person can be a good parent or not. The issue is of medical circumstances and timing. In an intersex condition, based on first hand accounts by other patients, there is stabilization years after the treatment. They have every right to feel the way they want, just like a spousal caregiver of intersex. Has there been a precedence of an intersex patient having Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) and starting Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) during a marriage and immediately being a primary care provider of an infant? The controversial medical treatment is clear about severe trauma and crisis requiring psychosocial counseling for the intersex patient. While we can appreciate a scientific/logical explanation that symptoms like depression, irritability, fatigue, hot flashes, tiredness, intimacy, marital issues among other psychosocial trauma and crisis were caused by the medical treatment, it would be INCORRECT to claim they never happened and its effects in a young marriage and on an infant. Is it equivalent to a post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)? Can a patient with such symptoms be a primary care provider for an infant? The emotional absence of a “mother” in beginning years has lasting effects. We all have great mothers. But what if our loving mother became a parent at 12 just when puberty and hormonal changes started? Would she be just as great a mother at 12 as opposed to say at 22? We need to stop this medical practice of wishful thinking and re-calibrate based on facts. Dr. John Money and his doctrine which was widely hailed once is being discarded today by intersex activists. We have reached the next level, spousal caregivers and children of intersex and we need to re-calibrate the doctrine and its deep rooted effects. What we hope is there is a scientific study on effects of intersex surgery during a marriage, typically when the person is in late 20s or early 30s and we join the many other intersex activists to call for a STOP to intersex surgery. There is proof to avoid sex reassignment surgery (SRS) as we have been advocating all along based on our experience as caregiver. Now UN and a scientific report backs our claim. With scant to no medical data available, why is this medical practice being allowed to continue in its current state? Do risks outweigh the benefits?

2) Parental caregivers of intersex patient have more access to resources, information and support than spousal caregivers of intersex patient. Privacy issues in medicine affects spousal caregivers of LGBTI. Where were the parental caregivers of the intersex patient during the extreme time of need?

Maulik, an IVF father, did not leave Vedant in the US and deeply loves him despite any lies being brainwashed and the alienation. Under certain very rare and unique circumstances, he was forced to go save Vedant’s new-born sister stranded in India. 

3) Separation– After years of trauma, imposed secrecy, abuse, violence and exploitation under threats, Maulik asked for a divorce. What events must have occurred for a compassionate and loving person to conclude this

after so many sacrifices? This was devastating and with fear of losing Vedant, a well-orchestrated divorce was filed against Maulik while a second sibling was 6 months (26 weeks) pregnant in a surrogate’s womb in India. In a case of fait accompli, certain circumstances were created for Maulik who was forced to leave the US and his son, Vedant. If your egg, womb or sperm is used to have a child after great infertility struggles like 3 failed IVF attempts, will you have the heart to abandon that child? What parent files a divorce and not mention an ongoing pregnancy and disallowing the court to know the facts? Maulik was unable to present the facts in court while Vedant’s sister, Medhavi, was parentless and stranded in India as a new-born infant. She could not come to the US because of US Immigration law where fathers cannot bring a child born outside the US without an “eligible mother”. This affects an IVF father uniquely because neither the egg donor or the surrogate are “US immigrants” and Maulik did not have an “eligible mother” in India. This is a clear case of laws not having kept pace with technology as cited by US Embassy in India in a June 2011 report but what happens when someone deliberately uses this loophole in the law for personal ulterior motives? Is it a crime of moral turpitude? Maulik is available to have a discussion on the inadequacies in law and society of an IVF father in the 21st century. Currently, the worst part is the unequal laws against an IVF father is imposed on innocent IVF siblings because their only known biological parent is a male. The aging grandparents raised infant Medhavi with great sacrifices to their health and selfless love. What about their justice and rights?

A Canadian couple had opted for IVF in India but due to an accident at the IVF clinic in India, the sample got swapped and thus there was a DNA mismatch. As per prevailing immigration laws, the IVF child could NOT immigrate to Canada without a “biological link”. The non-biological IVF parents gave up everything in Canada and moved to India for 6 years and fought for 6 years to have the IVF child legally taken to Canada. It is NOT about the biology, it is about LOVE and TRUTH and while they had 6 horrific years they never planned or imagined, their prayers were answered because they spoke the TRUTH. In the end, what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. Why did the non-biological parent not come to India in this case from the US?

4) Maulik and family have had to give, give, give. What do they deserve? The trauma and crisis for the intersex patient are genuine. Maulik has witnessed and experienced it first-hand. Has there been any trauma, crisis, abuse to Maulik? Would the outcome be different and the siblings united if Maulik had taken care of a spouse with say breast cancer or testicular cancer? A condition with more resources for spouses and more sensitivity to help and support for both? Or maybe a Hindu-Muslim marriage or an interracial marriage, at least its diversity with honesty.

5) If Maulik had a traumatic condition, would the spouse take care of him or leave him?

6) What about intimacy issues for the spouse? An integral part of any marriage. In fact, bad intimacy issues can be a basis for divorce. How does intimacy work during the ongoing treatment of the intersex patient? Clearly, parental caregivers would not have the same issues. We are not talking about details of the intimacy issues here, that does not mean they did not exist. We want to first show dignity and respect unless forced to share the truth.

7) Shared Sympathy – We sympathize with Maulik’s ex-partner’s situation. We have done more than what is possible for a normal human being. The trauma was shared by all in the family including innocent Vedant. As per a recent survey, there are 65.7 million family caregivers in the USA and 34% of all caregivers are men and the average age is close to 50 and less than 4% are young to middle-aged and less than 13% are spousal caregivers. Thus making a young, male, spousal caregiver a minority within a minority. In addition, it is hard to find a precedence or any statistics for a young, male, spousal caregiver of an intersex patient. Maybe a FIRST! As a young, male, spousal caregiver and the physical, emotional, financial, spiritual toll and abuse it has taken will last a lifetime.

Thanks to the good upbringing of his parents, Maulik showed compassion and love without any intersex advocacy or sensitivity training. Does the spousal caregiver deserve to have his child taken away from him? Is the message that Maulik is WRONG to show compassion and love? Should Maulik have reported the fraud and not stayed silent? Is that what the intersex activists are advocating? If there is support for parent caregivers of intersex patients, why are the spouses excluded? Through the series of trauma and crises, Vedant was a lifeline for the Maulik and the reason to go on. Taking Vedant away is like snatching the life out of Maulik if the exploitation and unpaid caregiving over the years was not enough.