Machiavellian Fertility Wars – What is the Best Interest of the Child?

Fertility Wars – Not too long ago, in a world very close, fertility wars had erupted because sometimes people want a child at any and all costs. But the force is Strong in the “little girl” Medhavi born via IVF/Surrogacy left stateless in “IVF prison” from the fertility wars is growing up happily. We are thankful and with help of the STATE, she is able to be united with her brother despite the First Order, after all there is love and compassion in our civilized world where truth has a chance. But not for long. As the Force awakens, time will tell if the innocence and love of a little sister will overcome the dark side of Machiavellian fertility wars? Will this #BrownGirl, “Princess Leia” be united with her brother “Luke Skywalker” split at birth? Stay tuned. It is inevitable the siblings will meet either now or as adults, why barricade them from building a bond and memories? Let us unite them expeditiously and “begin to make things right”. Taking the “high road” has turned disastrous for innocent children and that changes everything where truth is the only way out.

Basic Human Dignity And Respect of a Child

Nowadays they say a girl can be anything, can she be a “little sister” as intended? These are the questions coming out of the fertility wars and for a parent, a child is a child and for siblings, a sibling is sibling, regardless of how laws see them. Do children born via IVF/Surrogacy count equally? These are the real innocent victims of fertility wars and as a parent both are equal and perhaps someday the rest of the world will also see them at least as human beings if NOT equal. No one is spared in fertility wars, not even an innocent child. My lovely daughter was conceived after several failed IVF attempts. Then she was NOT declared as a “child” when divorce was filed in the US. Then the other consenting side NEVER came to India at her birth to fulfill the legal obligations to “legalize” the IVF/Surrogacy child rendering her stateless and “deleting her legal existence”. No phone call, no card, no baby clothes, no nothing, as if a little human being DOES NOT EXIST. Up until then, there were regular visits and inquiries for the same child, so why the sudden “disregard and disdain” for the same innocent child, was it pre-planned? First and foremost, they are a HUMAN BEING, then a child, then a daughter, then a little sister. Regardless of whatever the justifications that an individual or anyone supporting such justifications, as a loving parent, please do NOT tell me that a child DOES NOT COUNT. She counts and the UNHCR agrees as they have the “I, Belong” campaign to eradicate childhood statelessness regardless of how the child came about. The heinousness has to be stopped not just against a daughter but any child like her because its wrong. As an IVF/Surrogacy parent, we already have enough trauma dealing with infertility emotionally, financially, legally and to have a child be “unrecognized” and “dehumanized” when born after several failed IVF attempts puts into question what does our civilized world stand for? Time will tell if “savingagirlchild” was the right decision or should it cost me my other child and a sibling and cost us our hard-earned American DREAM lost in the fertility wars? I came to the US at 17 with $500 bucks and was forced to leave everything of over 21 years to save my immigrant IVF/Surrogacy born daughter in India for wanting to help infertility in the US. I have no regrets as my daughter is far more valuable and I would have done the same for my son. The question is have I lived with American values of family first, equality, respect for all even if laws fall short? I was 37, my most formidable years as an earning professional and achieve my American DREAM and implicitly my innocent child’s AMERICAN DREAM, our dreams lost due to the fertility wars. Where is the tolerance and respect for our diversity as IVF/Surrogacy family? I like to have fun as much as the next guy but do NOT question my love as a parent without understanding the facts because only thing more powerful than lies, demonization, vilification, fear-mongering, threats, intimidation, abuse is TRUTH. When I see the world from the perspective of my lovely daughter, an abandoned child and deliberately made stateless with no help from perpetrators despite multiple requests as if she does not exist, it is hard to understand what exactly do big words in our civilized world that empower us normally like “savegirlchild”, “joyofbirthofsibling”, “womanpower” mean? Instead I see a repeat of a failed strategy of “baby scoop era” being employed to justify taking away a child from a loving, biological family AND a brother from a sister and somehow everything is “fair” in fertility wars including an innocent child abandoned and made stateless. Other words like “childhood statelessness”, “lies”, “demonization”, “vilification”, “fear-mongering”, “separation” take over and do not allow hugs and kisses or build any memories between siblings and a loving family. Fighting for her rights has taught me a lot, especially the ugly underbelly of fertility wars where somehow its ok to rob from Peter to pay Paul and hurt innocent children. It’s not OK because she is first a human being and deserves human decency and respect.

Recently in India, Ms. Asha Devi spoke out about her innocent daughter who was raped ruthlessly in 2012 and announced her real name as Jyoti Singh declaring why should they be ashamed, it’s the perpetrators who carried out this heinous crime should be held accountable and responsible for their actions. She is absolutely right, why should my innocent daughter, Medhavi, deliberately made a refugee as a stateless child be silent as an abandoned child with no help from the US parent who put her in an “IVF prison” ruthlessly and heinously. In 1915, it may have been OK to silence a rape victim for “family honor” and worse plead with the rapist to marry the victim to both “shield family honor” and the notion how can a single woman who is a rape victim survive? In 2015, no one would dare suggest this but yet somehow its OK to suggest that a parent who abandoned an IVF/Surrogacy child, knowingly made them stateless and never provided any help despite repeated requests should be allowed to “connect” with the stateless child victim? It’s NOT OK. It would be revictimizing the victim for the same reasons a rapist does not “connect” with a rape victim. And the ignorance which existed in dealing with rape victims in 1915 is the same ignorance in dealing with international IVF/Surrogacy victims. There is a right way and a wrong way and abandoning an innocent child, making them stateless and extending no help is NOT the right way. In an increasingly globalized world, we are a better civilized world than that and a child is a child equally valuable to their loving parent regardless of their nationality and birth type. The only thing more traumatic than the dehumanization of an innocent child, separating from a child and the emotional, financial, legal torture and trauma is being re-traumatized and revictimized by the same perpetrators in the “name of law”.

Bullying one’s way to Parenthood

One cannot bully their way into parenthood and where was the “parent” when an innocent #BrownGirl needed their US parent to complete her legalization as an IVF/Surrogacy child born in India with consent from a US parent? After several failed IVF attempts, why would a “parent” leave a child and more importantly what are the rights of the child when this happens? Do they count as human at least? Much like the “same-sex” marriage debate, while “laws” defined “marriage” between two people based on “gender”, rest of humanity believed “marriage” is about “love” between two people. In the meantime, some same-sex partners had to lie about their love in fear of persecution and ridicule like some folks claiming to be able to medically “reverse” being gay. The same bigotry still exists in different ways where the “laws” and “societal stereotypes” today discriminate against love of a parent and child based on “gender”, “birth type”, “nationality” while rest of the humanity believes “parent-child” is about “love”. Meanwhile in 2015 for us loving parents, IVF/Surrogacy children are just children like any other child and perhaps someday the rest of the world will also see them at least as human beings if not equal. For rest of the world, Medhavi, may be a “stateless” and left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child and perhaps does not count despite the UN Refugee agency running a campaign to end childhood statelessness. She is my lovely daughter and I love her just as much as any other child. More than that, I like to talk about my daughter not out of arrogance but she is also my savior from a repeated cycle of secrecy, lies, abuse, torture, trauma, medical negligence, lack of laws from which I could NOT get out. She is what is “good” in this world like the love and compassion of donors and surrogates, family, friends and strangers who gather “like a village” to help raise a left-behind child, she is what happens when good people surround us with their humanity. She IS the future we hope to build.

Does Loving a Child based on gender, genetic link or just love?

Emotionally and legally there is a difference between adoption and IVF/Surrogacy. In adoption which is regulated, the genetic parent for whatever circumstances without passing judgment did give up the child. In IVF/Surrogacy which is unregulated, the fertile spouse shows compassion and wants to share a child with the infertile or dysfertile spouse AND very much WANTS the CHILD. It is one thing to have laws not caught up with technology like IVF/Surrogacy as cited in the US Department of State June 2011 report, it is completely another to use the gaps in the laws against an innocent child, they are still someone’s child just like the victims of Ariel Castro were also someone’s innocent children. This is against our American values and we do not approve this message. We must work together with the same compassion that the larger IVF/Surrogacy ecosystem including donors and surrogates represent in an ethical, moral and legal way which respects rights of ALL especially the innocent children. The gaps in the laws is setting up a dangerous and heinous situation of a medico-legal disability where innocent children are used against each other in the latest tools in fertility wars. The dark clouds of Machiavellian fertility politics take over sacrificing everything, not even sparing an innocent little sister, an equal human being in her own right. For those who doubt, walk a step in the shoes of an IVF/Surrogacy parent where the laws require ALL responsibilities of a “mother” from the genetic parent but NO rights that of a “mother”, traditionally the “primary care provider” which implicitly hurts innocent children with denial of rights. With changing times, if the intent is “best interest of the child”, the system needs to update itself when a divorce is filed to ask the question to both spouses, “Are you responsible for any child or any ongoing pregnancies?” instead of “Are you pregnant?” This is NOT to say the system is ignorant but rather to say that some malicious minded people are manipulating the system and in the process hurting innocent children and denying them rights. And regardless of nationality or birth type, ALL children are equal. It is one thing to discriminate against an IVF/Surrogacy parent due to their “genetic link” to the child OR their “citizenship status” or their “gender” but it also implicitly discriminates against an innocent child AND innocent siblings who are separated at birth.

Real World Vs. Bizarre World of Lies

My child is still a child and as a left-behind parent, the US government provides milk and diapers for the child and NOT the parent. I want the milk and diapers with interest for my left-behind American child. The point is to recognize her as a human being instead of dehumanizing her and children like her. In America, we respect our differently abled and provide ramps, where is the “ramp” for IVF/Surrogacy children like mine for their medico-legal disability and for building a family differently? Abu Ghraib was a terrible tragedy by a few bad apples and it does NOT reflect rest of Americans and our values but it still did occur and right answer is to acknowledge facts, hold the few bad apples responsible and accountable and move forward. The plight of stateless children born via international IVF/Surrogacy is real provided truth is allowed. In the real world, the Canadian couple did NOT abandon the IVF/Surrogacy child and did NOT split the siblings. The US-Israeli mother did NOT abandon the children and did NOT split the siblings. Instead in both cases they fought against the system for years to get a legal identity for their innocent IVF/Surrogacy children while keeping the siblings together. It is a real problem with real consequences because in the real world countries like Thailand, Nepal, India, Mexico have banned IVF/Surrogacy for foreigners due to few bad apples. The UN has launched a campaign to eradicate childhood statelessness. Others in the real world are confronting the issue and addressing the consequences in best interest of the child. But in the US, how come fling divorce in the US creates a stateless IVF/Surrogacy child in India? Do they have rights as a human? A person can lie, suppress facts and legally “delete” an innocent child from “legal existence” denying their rights and live freely in the US while the innocent child is stateless and stuck in “IVF prison” in India and separated from sibling, how is that fair to the child? If my child and others like her are “human”, the democratic governments need to prove it with action and not simply compassionate words OR they should live the life of a stateless child to understand the dehumanization they face so they can take action as responsible democratic governments that works for ALL equally. In democracy, “numbers matter” and for any parent, the child IS their world. Ask this of any billions of parents around the world. Whether its a poor mom, a single mom, a parent of a Down’s syndrome or Autism child, an IVF/Surrogacy parent of a stateless child – we all want the same thing – respect for our innocent child. But somehow respecting a child depends on who is asking and not based on the needs of the child.