I Cannot Raise My Son Because I Am Raising His Sister – My Daughter

I love my son very much, I miss my son very much, I miss him missing out on growing up with a sibling he wished for. As one struggles through the inadequacies of the laws for intersex, immigrant, IVF families of 2000s, one has to wonder why punish innocent, voiceless children? Any system of justice is based on a few basic assumptions – (1) To punish an innocent is far greater crime than delivering justice to millions. (2) Justice delayed is justice denied. (3) Justice should be repeatable meaning whatever the outcome is, others should be able to benefit from it without breaking any laws. (4) Humans are not perfect, laws are not perfect but to discriminate and punish innocent child victims is a far greater crime against their humanity. And then to justify the discrimination by shoving it under the carpet is not working towards a solution rather only further victimizing innocent victims. I, a male immigrant, an IVF father cannot be with both my two IVF children at the same time because the laws do not allow us. Perhaps having children through IVF as a male was so heinous a crime that both me and my innocent IVF children should be punished for it. My innocent son cannot read bed time stories to his sister (like I used to read to him and promised my son that he can do the same with his sibling) is because my innocent IVF children are born of an immigrant, IVF father. My daughter cannot kiss and hug her brother like she wants to because my innocent IVF children are born of an immigrant, IVF father. Abuse me, why abuse my innocent children? Discriminate against me, why discriminate against my innocent children?

If it were 1800, when slavery was legal, to suggest to a person that if they don’t want to be a slave, they should change their skin color may have been “legal” for the time. But its 2000s and times have changed. If I were that person, I would keep my skin color the way it is and rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights for me and everyone like me. A story of an immigrant, IVF father in 2014 is similar, rather than “accomodating” to the discriminatory laws of today, would rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights of IVF children and families.

Left with whether to live in US with a comfortable job and enjoy my IVF son grow up OR raise my IVF daughter stuck in India because she is born to a US father? What would you do? Could you sleep knowing you abandoned a child you wanted and consented to? I do not know what birth mothers feel like who have had to give up their children due to their personal circumstances. I am sure it hurts them with a big hole in the heart that no one can see. What does an IVF parent feel when forced to give up their child due to lack of laws – that we do know? When a man abandons an innocent child, he could be the child’s father, the husband to the mother of the child, or an abandoner of the child. What “name” will the mother of the child refer him with – Husband, Father or Abandoner? When an IVF parent is abandoned with an IVF child, what do you call the other intended IVF parent who also consented to the IVF child but decided later to not want the child? It is NOT about whether someone is raising a child well, it is about were laws broken and whether that’s what the child wants, if the child is happy, can he be happier? Ms. Pettway raised a wonderful daughter – someone so smart that she figured out she had been removed from her birth family at 19 days. What does the innocent child victim want? It is not the “standard yard sticks” of whether the child is getting food, shelter, water, education, freedom, be allowed to grow and develop. It is about right Vs wrong. It is about truth Vs. lies. It is about respecting laws Vs. breaking laws. It is about being honest to the innocent children – the ultimate jury. I do not know what surrogates feel like when they give the IVF child to the intended parents? Some feel “mission accomplished” because they were able to help a fellow human being. If “intended parents” are given rights to an IVF child, should the “intended parents” also share the responsibility and accountability for the welfare of the IVF child? Because without the consent of “intended parents” and their finances, there would have been no IVF child. What if the “intended parents” decide to abandon an IVF child? What are the rights of the IVF child? Who cares for the welfare of the IVF child that the “intended parents” consented to? Is the IVF child a human being who deserves basic human dignity and respect or can they be discarded with no consequences? I suppose if a person who needs a heart, can create a clone, rip their heart out and use it for themselves fully knowing that without a heart, the clone cannot survive but I suppose that’s the “clone’s problem” and not the person who consented and paid for the clone, right? Because they must have a heart at all costs or they will die. Is all human life equal? Whether its a clone, an IVF child, a beggar, a poor man, a rich man, an IVF father, an immigrant, an intersex person, a DNA mismatch IVF parent, etc – are they all equal?

Humans have dealt with infertility since humankind has been around. Infertility affects “humans” and not just a man or woman. But the fertility laws are not reflective of these facts. It is one thing to discriminate and abuse a human based on color of their skin OR their caste OR their nationality OR their gender OR their sexual orientation but to discriminate innocent children based on their parent’s actions flies against everything we consider dignified and civil about humanity in 2000s. May be it was a heinous crime to try and help an intersex, immigrant person in 2000s where laws itself fall short? As we struggle to make sense of this madness, we cannot find a precedent. Surely, it must have happened to someone else but infertility is dealt with secrecy and lies meaning not too many people talk about it (we didn’t!). Or dealing with IVF is too new and there simply are not laws which have caught up with technology. Regardless how we end up as a community in the future there will be equal rights for IVF children and families, and even then SPLITTING innocent IVF brother and sister will still be wrong.

The authorities claim no laws have been broken yet they cannot cite a law which allows a US parent to bring an IVF child born outside the US with no genetic link. By denying facts, will it magically help other innocent IVF children and families who run into DNA mismatches and lack a genetic link? The authorities claim same-sex immigration was made possible in 2013 yet they cannot explain why no laws were broken if it were done before then. The right answer is to change the laws and not break the laws. People who break the laws are criminals. A criminal is also someone’s sister or brother, someone’s son or daughter, someone’s father or mother but they broke the laws and for that should their innocent children be punished? Do current laws allow US parents with no genetic link to bring a child born outside the US? Is “wishful thinking” in line with current laws? Is SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings due to lack of laws and its manipulation the best answer? It is clear laws have been broken, it is clear that humans who help others have no protection or justice from the system, it is clear two innocent IVF siblings are being punished for crimes they did not commit. Will we continue to solve this using secrecy, lies, deception, denials, apathy, threats, persecution or actually grow a spine and take action and change laws so this never happens again?