Helping is a SIN, Being Compassionate is a Crime for your IVF Children

In 2014, it is still a crime for a father to have IVF children with help of compassionate egg donor and surrogate. It is such a heinous crime that his IVF children must be punished by splitting them. It is such an atrocious crime for a parent to have children that the only way to resolve it is by splitting the IVF siblings and splitting an innocent child from his primary care provider. It is such a barbaric crime that the innocent, voiceless IVF children deserve to be in IVF purgatory with denial of their rights as a human being as they are “legally invisible”. It is such an heinous crime to be compassionate and helpful towards fertility that a fertile parent must choose between two IVF children on two different continents! The Nazi lifestyle from Sophie’s Choice is a stark reminder of the barbaric choices a parent is forced to make among their children whom they love equally. Secrecy and stigma are the real culprits. In honest cultures, the genetic father gets sole custody of both IVF siblings provided there is no fraud, conspiracy, lies or breaking laws.For those who want to pontificate about how “offensive” it is to talk about someone’s infertility need to first deal with infertility in a marriage without the “I”, what is offensive is to “commodify” innocent IVF children and deny them basic human rights, dignity and respect of a human being. Regardless of who you are, as a parent, it behooves you to speak up when your child does not get the basic human dignity and respect they deserve. That is not offensive, that is stating facts. And if you do not like the truth, maybe you shouldn’t have committed such horrible crimes. The US laws require a “genetic link” between a parent and a child born outside the US, then how will infertile parents get a child legally? Is helping an infertile person a SIN? Is it so terrible that their child should be taken away from them? Is it so terrible that their child should be split from his siblings? Is it so terrible that an innocent child has to be abandoned in order to get her brother as a trophy of an infertile person? Do children have rights? Are children human beings? Or are IVF children “manufactured” people purely for the whims of people? What’s next, human cloning and skip IVF? If you are infertile, you do IVF for a child and if you need a heart or a kidney or a liver, you do human cloning, right? In plane flights, passengers with small children are given preference in seating, but no similar compassion for IVF children who are in legal limbo? When crossing the street with children, traffic stops to let the children cross but no similar treatment for IVF children in legal limbo? When children are abused within the four walls of a home, it is a crime but no similar treatment for abusing and silencing IVF children?

The issue here is stereotypes and bias being used against innocent children. The issue here is lack of laws for IVF children and families has been maliciously used against the children. The issue here is it is one thing to silence and abuse an adult but when you abuse someone’s child(ren), then the parent speaks up against the atrocities and crimes regardless of whether one is immigrant, IVF, intersex, infertile, straight, gay, lesbian, white, black, Asian, whatever. Don’t mess with Texas, don’t mess with children of a loving parent. Where is the justice for an abandoned child? Where is the justice for a brother wanting a sibling? Where is the justice for a sister wanting to meet her big brother? Where is the basic human dignity and respect that every child deserves? No more discrimination based on birth type.

As a member of an immigrant, intersex, infertile family, we had children through IVF – probably a dream come true for most intersex people. What has the government done to pass laws to make all this legal so that ALL intersex, infertile, immigrants can also ENJOY the same? Is splitting innocent IVF siblings the ONLY way to achieve this? Where is the legislative help when we need it if not in the adults best interest than at least in the best interest of the children?  Don’t try to give human rights within the confines of your private home; do it publicly. Because when laws cannot guarantee basic human rights to an immigrant, intersex, IVF family, the same lack of laws can be used against your humanity to be helpful, compassionate and understanding. The very ideals that you stand for can be turned around against you. If the US justice system believes that infertile parents deserve children then why aren’t their laws in sync in the best interest of the child? That way infertile people do not have the need to break the laws and manipulate the justice system for personal, selfish ulterior motives which places innocent children at risk and in legal limbo. That way when well-intentioned parents of IVF children born outside the US have an unforeseen “DNA mismatch”, they can still bring their child to the US and raise them lovingly rather than breaking laws or living in exile. Or should we punish the innocent, voiceless IVF children for crimes they did not commit by sticking them in an orphanage? That would be “commodifying”. It is already happening, question is when will we wake up?

In an intersex marriage, only one spouse is fertile. If they do IVF then they use an egg donor and a surrogate using the husband’s sperm. Legally, the child born out of this arrangement is termed “child born out of wedlock”. Why? There is a term in the English dictionary and it is OFFENSIVE. Why is this offensive language denigrating all IVF children still on the law books in 2014? Does this mean all intersex, infertile couples children are “child born out of wedlock”? Are there legal ramifications, stigma, secrecy on the innocent IVF child? Its a vicious circle – due to secrecy and stigma, there is not enough education and awareness and therefore it is not a political issue and therefore there is no need to change the offensive and unequal prevailing laws for IVF children and families. It is 2014 and it is time to speak up looking ahead at the 21st century. It is time to have equal rights for IVF children and families. It is time to have a dream when the love and character of a parent will count more than the biology and gender of a parent both in family courts and immigration courts so that the justice system is NOT MANIPULATED. Results count and the current result is a brother separated from a sister he wanted, a girl child who was abandoned, aging grandparents who cannot see their first grandson, a grandson who cannot see his aging grandparents, a father who was abused and silenced for showing love, compassion and help, two innocent children who are subjected to the same REPEAT strategy of silence, secrecy, lies and abuse. No More. The IVF children are humans too and deserve EQUAL human rights, not secrecy and lies. We tried the approach of secrecy and lies and it is horrendous, traumatic and heinous.

Is it a crime to be compassionate to an intersex person? Legally intersex people cannot marry. Until 2013, LGBTI immigration of spouses was not legal in the US, so what if someone lied and frauded the government before then? Some intersex people have to go through a very traumatic surgery which the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture in 2013 called for a stop. If its “torture” for the intersex person, is there any trauma or torture on the spouse and children of intersex marriage when the surgery is done during the marriage? If the spouse stayed quiet and showed compassion as a spouse caregiver, is that such a big crime that not only he suffered abuse as a silent caregiver but now it needs to be repeated on his innocent children by splitting the siblings? Was it wrong to stay silent? Was it wrong to show compassion?

It is a miracle that the spouse has survived. The reasons why an intersex person is suicidal are the exact same reasons why an abused spouse caregiver of an intersex person may die. To have the trauma, secrecy, lies, abuse being repeated on his innocent IVF children by splitting them up calls for a change, one cannot stay quiet in the best interest of the children. The case is not about IVF, it is not about intersex, it is not about compassion, it is not about being helpful, it is not about love, it is not about infertility, it is about LIES, LIES, LIES. And any parent, IVF or not, when it comes to their child will say the truth if they truly love their child. Children also grow up one day into adults. While they may be brainwashed and alienated but as a parent we want to give a better world for our children. I have a dream that by the time the IVF children grow up, there will be equal rights for IVF children and families.