Happy Women’s Day – From the Eyes of an IVF Girl and Father

It’s March 8th and wish everyone a Happy Women’s Day. We all have very special women in our lives. Children of gay parents also have some special women in there lives starting with the compassion of the donor and surrogate to be thankful for. It is the gift of life. Let us celebrate daughters, mothers, sisters, wives, companions, friends who reinforce humanity still exists.

As an immigrant, IVF father I have been taught heartlessly that follow the laws and do not follow your heart. Worse, my innocent IVF children must be punished for my gender and for crimes they did not commit. Any parent – IVF or otherwise, mother or father, that’s where we draw the line. Abuse me, its one thing, abuse my innocent children, its a whole another issue. I refuse to agree with the “system” that following your heart is wrong and I have several women who have shown me why. Without these women, as an immigrant, IVF father who is abused and his IVF children are abused with no justice, one may have thought differently. I am blessed to have several women in my life to thank for that and today I wish them all a happy woman’s day. A person is NOT defined by how they look on the outside but its the inside that counts. We patiently wait till laws catch up and stop discriminating innocent IVF children based on their birth type and parentage.

First, it is my lovely IVF daughter. As a future woman, what should I tell her and how should I raise her? I think truth is the best option which can be told depending on her increasing levels of maturity. Any lies will have disastrous long-term effects on her own life and others around her. I am blessed to have her in my life as she brought out the best in the community. It showed humanity still exists. Not a single person has told me that it is wrong to have saved my daughter rather than abandoned her except the laws. People often confuse fight of an IVF parent Vs. fight for equal rights for IVF children. People often use references like “Frankenstein”, “Aquarium”, “child born out of wedlock”, etc. to define the IVF process and somehow its related “flaws”. Regardless of how one feels about IVF, once the innocent child is born, you are calling my IVF children such vicious names. Please do not call my child ugly – no parent wants to hear that regardless of what the situation is. If you cannot show compassion or humanity, it is better to stay silent – something a mother, a woman teaches to their children.

We thank the compassion of the donor and surrogate for allowing us to be blessed with the presence of our lovely IVF daughter. After years of failed IVF attempts to finally be successful, it was a blessing. One cannot think of abandoning her despite the circumstances. It would be a crime against humanity against the innocent, voiceless IVF child and it would be disrespecting the compassion and heart showed by the egg donor and surrogate.

We celebrate my mother, her grandmother who in her golden years instead of slowing down raised an infant girl single-handedly. She had lot of support from my father, the grandfather and several other fellow women in the community who brought her clothes, toys, spent time playing with her as an infant, helped my mother soothe and get through the tsunami of IVF. It truly does take a village to raise an abandoned IVF child. I was distraught, traumatized, almost frozen but my mother showed how to live only how a woman can. She is the pillar of why we need women in our lives. Despite her failing health, she raised my daughter with all the love and care, without fearing a conservative society, and took charge of saving an abandoned girl child. I have one life but my parents have given me birth twice and literally saved my life after this most traumatic events.

We celebrate my sister, the aunt to my daughter, who dropped everything at the drop of a hat and rushed by my daughter’s side when she was born. She has two daughters of her own who were in school and had exams but saving the abandoned infant seemed more important. Her spouse, my brother-in-law took care of the home chores and ensuring their daughters do not miss any thing out of school. Since my family was from the “boys side”, there were lot of inherent “stereotypes” to counter, lot of abuse one has to counter, but my sister and family steadfastedly stood their by my daughter’s side and did what they needed to do to get her home – safe and secure. The abuse against my gender was taken out against my innocent daughter and family including innocent women and seniors. At least the “boys side” of the family was there by the infant’s side. There is a “maternal instinct” that kicks in every woman which I could sense from thousands of miles away while in the US as my family would keep me updated over the phone. In my distraught state, I helplessly felt they were the best thing that happened to my IVF daughter whom I could not see after years of failed IVF attempts. The IVF journey itself was very exhausting that I could not get to the “last mile” of the IVF journey. I am blessed to have a sibling, a sister, who gives you unconditional love. More importantly, both my IVF children are blessed to have an aunt who has steadfastedly stood by them right since their birth. We celebrate siblings, celebrate sisters, celebrate mothers, celebrate family – where women are not just the back bone of a family but the bone one needs when tsunami strikes. Sadly, such sibling love is being stolen from my innocent IVF children by separating them.

I have been blessed to be married to a woman who is very loving, caring and understanding. She has taken to my daughter like a mother. She is patient with me as I still struggle through the discrimination, abuse and lack of due process and justice. She understands the fight is for the IVF children and not of men Vs. women. Sadly the archaic laws were written when fathers alone may not have been the “legal parent” and this places innocent IVF children who are siblings in legal limbo and abuses their human rights. Her patience and love allows an opportunity to have some semblance of a normal life – a soothing feeling to the everyday trauma. We are also blessed with a lovely child who is not discriminated against by laws since birth – a common feeling for most parents; a welcome surprise for an immigrant, IVF father – why should a parent’s actions be used against an innocent child? What about their human rights?

All the women in my life have taught one thing which is to live happily. The true worth of any person is to be able to live freely and enjoy freedom of expression and respect laws. The women in my  life are allowing me an opportunity to live freely and have taught me that there is nothing wrong in following your heart even if the laws have not caught up. 

Happy Women’s Day!