From the Perspective of the IVF Child

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and so is love. Secrecy and lying cannot go in tandem with love. What is on the inside is what counts, not the outside beauty.  When one sees a 9 year old IVF son on Skype forlorn, lonely and confused with his realities and when one sees a 4 year old IVF sister who cannot get a legal identity, it begs the question, who/what/where/when is INFERTILITY all about? Is infertility about adults OR do IVF children who are a product of infertility also count?

Our objective is to get to a place where there are equal rights for IVF children and families and there is respect for basic human decency if not equal and stop the discrimination. For this the truth has to be told so that change can happen. Denial of facts is a crime to the victims.

The fact is we have an intersex family who are immigrants to the US and also have children through IVF in the 2000s. Neither there are equal laws for intersex nor for immigrant IVF families, so does that mean we should punish innocent IVF children by placing them in legal limbo? We will accept that intersex is very traumatic, we will accept that intersex surgery is very traumatic, we will accept that an intersex person deserves all the compassion as they are going through an emotional, mental, physical, physiological, spiritual change – every change imaginable for a human. It is truly very traumatic – we were there, is there any trauma and abuse to be forced to go through this alone and in silence? Maybe someday intersex surgeries will be treated on par as other medical conditions like breast cancer or ovarian cancer or prostate cancer or testicular cancer or Alzheimers and so on so that caregivers are allowed to seek support without offending the patients. Living in secrecy and lying including breaking the laws is not the answer and especially not the answer when it is used against innocent children. We cannot accept that the child is NOT born through IVF because it would be lying and it would take away the humanity of several people including compassionate donors and surrogates. We cannot accept that the intersex person recovering from the medical treatment was the primary care provider of an innocent IVF child because it would continue to hide the facts, the abuse, the torture and take away the fact that a deep bond was formed between the father and son because he was the primary care provider.

If the intersex person wants to continue to lie and claim the child is NOT born through IVF whom they have no biological link with as an immigrant, that’s their choice because legally it benefits them. How does it benefit the innocent IVF child? Why can’t he live freely? Why can’t he meet his sister? Why can’t he grow up with his primary care provider? Why does an innocent IVF girl child have to be abandoned and lose her legal identity because an adult who is infertile wants to LIE and break the laws? It is one thing to abuse, torture, force silence, secrecy on an adult but it is totally different to repeat the lies, secrecy, abuse, breaking the laws against innocent children.

Now that Germany has legally started recognizing intersex as “third gender”, there will be more awareness of the real-life issues that intersex families face. First of course we will need to legalize intersex marriage so that there are legal intersex families. If a woman was married to an intersex person, had an IVF child using her own egg, donor sperm and a surrogate, and then raised the IVF child as the primary care provider, would the LAW take away that child from her when the intersex person files divorce? The fact is we have male, female, and intersex as Germany as recognized. Then why lie? To be clear the issue is not intersex people cannot be loving parents, the issue is LYING. When a person is undergoing medical treatment in secrecy, can they use that against the parent and child to separate them?

As time elapses, the medical treatment stabilizes and the same physical intersex person may be a very different person a few years later. But did it come at a cost? Is the cost equal to a son being taken away from his primary care provider? Is the cost equal to abandoning an innocent IVF girl child? Is the cost equal to splitting two IVF siblings? It is not that biological parents love their children more than non-biological parents but the reverse should fertile parents be forced to give up their child to an infertile parent? Every human has a right to have a child and so does every child have the right to be treated equally. When IVF children are placed in legal limbo due to selfishness and personal benefit of an adult – fertile or otherwise, intersex, male, female or otherwise, straight or gay, it is a CRIME for the child. There is NO love in that. There is no beauty in that.

Its a challenge to anyone to come look in my innocent children’s eyes and say their being SPLIT UP is LOVE. And if you are a parent and if this does not raise your hair, what will? Thankfully you may be fertile and have never had to go through infertility or IVF, but what if you did cross those roller-coasters and then what if your IVF child was placed in legal limbo? What would you do as a parent, as a human being?