National Coming Out Day is October 11. I am an IVF father and I am a proud IVF father of my IVF children and I am coming out. If a gay father can tell his child the truth, why can’t an IVF father tell the truth to his IVF child? United Nation (UN) declared October 11 is International Girl Child Day. Is IVF girl child an equal? Is it offensive to withhold the truth from innocent IVF children and deny them their rights? Is this “freedom”? The lack of laws for IVF children is why as an IVF parent I am coming out in support of “rights of IVF chidlren”. Before we discuss the rights of an IVF father, it is important to understand the current legal landscape for IVF children based on gender and biology of parent. Like with any parent-child relationship, there is an emotional component and a legal component. The emotional component is the same in an IVF parent-child relationship, however the legal component is widely different and is based on gender and biology with the parent. The lack of laws for IVF children and families is why we need to discuss the “rights of an IVF father”. More importantly, the IVF children of an IVF father are discriminated against and are the ones being punished for crimes they did not commit. The intent is clearly to protect the best interest of the IVF child and some very sensitive topics may be discussed which are true and factual in the spirit of getting equal rights for IVF children and families. Let’s get on the right side of history. If we can show compassion to an intersex adult despite breaking multiple laws, why can’t we show compassion to innocent IVF children? We are looking for a way out for victims, not a hand out to this 21st century issue.
Who is an IVF father?
An IVF father is a parent who loves his children and children who love their father. As per US Government’s own research, it shows the positive influence and aspects in children with a father. For the purposes of this discussion, the analogous of an IVF father is an IVF mother who used her egg but used a surrogate to have a child. Women who are undergoing fertility treatments to birth their own child are not part of this discussion. The focus of this discussion is strictly from a legal perspective and the lack of laws which is hurting the IVF children more than the parents. An IVF father can be someone who is a gay father or a single father or if you are an intersex spouse. Should IVF fathers in a heterosexual relationship be considered? Do IVF fathers love their IVF children any less? Does infertility affect men any differently especially some IVF fathers who have been through the same roller coaster ride of IVF emotionally, financially, socially, spiritually, and so on? And when the IVF child is born and the IVF parent finds out that his IVF child is discriminated against because of his gender, how is that supposed to make a parent feel? After the years of anxiety, lost careers, sleepless nights, trauma, other losses, how is an IVF parent supposed to “equate” to his IVF children that they are somehow less because of his gender? Currently the IVF laws are based on biology and gender. Why not have IVF laws in the best interest of the IVF children? What is so wrong about that? or should we rob from a child like taking icecream from a little child? If an IVF father uses a compassionate surrogate to have a child (and a compassionate egg donor) Vs an IVF mother uses a compassionate surrogate to have a child (and a compassionate sperm donor) Vs an IVF mother uses both a compassionate egg donor and sperm donor and uses her own womb, why are the laws different for the same IVF child? What crime has the child committed to be treated differently based on a parent’s gender and biology? Because infertility and IVF are dealt with secrecy, stigma and lies there is not open discussion and stifles information sharing and only now scientific studies are emerging based on facts. A recent study claims that because the way the IVF children are born with the fertility treatments, hormones, and other things, IVF children are a third more likely to develop cancer or are at 90% risk of brain cancer and 65% risk of leukemia. God forbid but if an IVF child who has been taken away from his biological family needs a bone marrow transplant tomorrow, will the “fraud birth documents” help save is life or w will truth save his life? The biological parent is more than happy to give an organ if it saves his IVF son’s life but first the truth has to be accepted. The reality is IVF children have certain unique needs because of the nature of their birth as opposed to natural born children including adopted children. What are the rights of the IVF child?
Stateless IVF Children
What if the samples are accidentally swapped in the IVF clinic and there is a DNA mismatch. Is the love for the IVF child any less from the commissioning parent? More importantly, what are the rights of the IVF child? What if the “paying adults” (commissioning parents) decide to divorce during an IVF pregnancy, what are the rights of the IVF child? As gender roles are changing, as society is becoming more accepting of gay fathers, single fathers, or fathers who are primary care providers in a traditional marriage, have the laws caught up? More importantly, have the IVF laws and immigration laws caught up with the technology in the best interest of the IVF children? Not to long ago during the baby scoop era, children were forcibly given up for adoption to well-meaning parents and taken away from their biological mothers because their only fault was to be born to “single mothers” who were not “socially acceptable” at the time. Again the innocent children were discriminated due to the circumstances of the parent. A lot of the adoptive parents may be unknowing of the facts and may have raised the child lovingly, but what is right for the child? Why are adopted children looking for their birth parents now? Today it would be unthinkable to take a child away from a biological mother only based on the fact that she is “single”. Is history repeating itself? Truth is the only salvation and children are very smart and figure it out. Especially IVF children because they have a weird sixth sense about things. The hope is that by the time these stateless IVF children grow up into adults, we will have made a dent in bringing equal rights for IVF children and families, it is something very much they can appreciate unless they have been lied to about their IVF birth. Ironically by lying to IVF children, instead of using an opportunity for learning, we are teaching them the worst of humanity which is lying, crimes and abuse in silence. The humanity is that through compassion of fellow human beings, an IVF child is born – a gift to be cherished and celebrated, not hidden and persecuted.