I am a male. I am not transgender, I am not intersex/DSD, I am not a woman. But having experiences like family caregiving, infertility, primary care provider for children which are “traditionally” associated with women has provided me with a fresh perspective on what it may have been like to live as a woman and undergo abuse for centuries. The worst is that my gender is punishing my innocent children which has forced me to speak up. I have learnt a lot from Susan Anthony’s, Rosa Parks’s and other women in the world and also from likes of Scotsboro boys’. While there is no comparison to what women have gone through for centuries; the injustice, neglect, abuse is what is in common – which is why there is Respect for living as a woman. Sadly, it is a cycle of being used, abused and discarded by others that we find in common. When will we have laws to protect hate crimes against IVF children and families?
1) When I was abused, I stayed silent. The law enforcement tells me that I should have spoken up then and its too late to get justice now. Does that mean the abuse did not occur? When laws were broken forcefully, I stayed silent. The law enforcement tells me that I should have reported the crimes. Does that mean the crimes did not occur? Ironically, plight of some IVF children today is what was done to innocent intersex children which is lies, fraud and manipulation.
2) If there are rape trauma crises centers, if there are sexual abuse trauma crises centers, if there are child abuse trauma crises centers, where are the IVF trauma crises centers? Having crises centers for different issues implies two things – 1) There is acceptance of facts and the need to act to protect the innocent and 2) Qualified professionals trained to act in the best interest of the victim – medical, legal, financial, etc.
In the absence of IVF trauma centers, are we as a society not wanting to accept the facts and that IVF trauma does not exist and it is better to shove the truth under the carpet like the way our society dealt with concealment based approach in treating intersex people or taking away innocent children from their biological mothers during the government approved “baby scoop era”? In the absence of IVF trauma centers, are we as a society failing to provide qualified professionals to victims including innocent IVF children and until justice is received, does it mean the victimization and abuse continues which is blessed by the system due to its inaction and lack of laws?
3) If a woman is pregnant and her spouse abandons the child and the mother-to-be, it is a sinking feeling. Is it like getting kicked in the stomach as a pregnant woman? As a left-behind parent, one moves on for the sake of the child with no child support, loss of dignity and respect for innocent child, possible character humiliations, loss of job, career, separation from family and friends, etc. Same is true for a left-behind IVF parent of an abandoned IVF child, one finds the strength and courage to move on for the sake of the child despite being a male as the society and laws deem “fathers” are “second-class” parents.
If a woman who is abandoned while pregnant, what if the spouse runs away with the older child? This leaves the woman to deal with her pregnancy all alone, provide welfare of the child on her own AND the trauma of losing a child whom she loves. Worse, the older child will not be afforded the love of a sibling he wanted because the parent has split them. In all this, the mother raises the abandoned child through the trauma and hopes someday her children will be UNITED. Is an IVF father of two split siblings allowed to have the same feeling?
If an intended parent abandons an IVF pregnancy after giving consent, who pays the surrogate and what are her rights and whose responsibility it it to raise the IVF child? Is the surrogate also considered a woman whose rights have been violated if left abandoned with an IVF child?
4) For centuries women have been the “traditional family caregiver” and for most part they still are in a majority now. A family caregiver can be in multiple roles – as a parent, child, sibling, etc. However, insenuations have existed like “being a housewife is not a real job”, “stay at home mothers” do not contribute to society, etc. Yet as loving mothers or spouses or daughters or sisters as they are, they continue to spread their love (often in silence) regardless of what laws say or what society thinks while giving up their true potential, ambitions, careers. Same is true as a spouse caregiver of intersex/DSD who is forced into silence.
And when women started asking for their rights be it rape, disenfranchisement, abuse, violence, sexual harassment, etc. initially, it was written off as “being emotional”. That was last century and it may be true even today in several parts of the world. An immigrant, IVF father feels the same way and demand for rights is discarded as “being emotional” while failing to recognize that it is the innocent IVF children who are the ones being punished because of their parent’s gender. Just like Susan Anthony’s of the world, one must continue to fight for the truth regardless of how long it takes.
5) If a woman uses her egg and gets help from a sperm donor and surrogate, she can legally take the child anywhere while if a man uses his sperm and gets help from a egg donor and surrogate, the same is not true. Who is the real victim – the IVF father or the innocent IVF child? Like any parent – mother or father, gay or straight, black or white or Asian, child with Autism or a learning challenge, etc, etc – any parent will speak up when their child is abused, violated and worse used as a “tool”. Every human being has rights, including an innocent IVF child of an IVF father.
6) There is no “I” in infertility or IVF. Dealing with infertility first requires lot of patience and compassion from fellow human beings. “I” cannot do anything. The anxiety, the sleepless nights, the pain, the suffering, the trauma, the loss of child, the failed IVF cycles, the multiple trips to the IVF clinic filled with hope, the thumbing through online forums, the blessing of a IVF child, the joy and celebration of an IVF child, etc etc affects any person dealing with IVF and infertility – it is NOT a woman or man thing, it is a HUMAN thing. Having lived through these experiences which are traditionally associated with women dealing with fertility, it has given a unique perspective on even how innocent IVF children are victimized due to being born to a “man” VS. “woman”. Our society and laws have a long way to catch up.
7) It has taken centuries and lots of abuse, violation of rights, trauma for women to begin to get equal rights in the workplace. When will men get equal rights at home in the family especially in the best interest of innocent children?
8) To the naysayers, I ask a simple question, exactly what more do you want out of a spouse – male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, otherwise?
- You have a traumatic condition, you deal with it together and become a spouse caregiver,
- One spouse wants silence at the cost of abuse to the other spouse, you give silence,
- One spouse wants to lie, fraud and break the laws, you give in to the threats and abuse in silence,
- One spouse is infertile, you deal with it together using IVF,
- One spouse is under medical treatment and trauma preventing to be a “primary care provider” for the child, you become a primary care provider for the IVF child in silence,
- The IVF child both love wants a sibling, both give joint consent to have a second IVF child, one spouse decides to abandon the child while the other is left to pick up the pieces including giving up his son whom he loves AND his son having to give up his primary care provider and a sister he wanted.
Perhaps the spouse is looking for slaves including innocent children with no human rights in 2014?
Don’t give me love, don’t give me compassion, just give me respect and truth.
If being in a intersex/DSD marriage which the laws do not recognize, if becoming a spouse caregiver of DSD/intersex for a surgery which UN considers torture, if dealing with infertility with respect for the infertile spouse, if raising IVF children due to ongoing medical treatment of the spouse, if dealing with multiple lack of laws for issues like intersex, IVF, immigration in 2014 is too new is RESPECT, then all I ask is to give RESPECT to my innocent children if not me and UNITE them.
Had equal rights for intersex, equal rights for IVF children and families existed, would innocent IVF siblings have been SPLIT? Economic deprivation and loss of financial resources directly threatens the right to get justice in 2014 because no counsel works for free.