Tag Archives: untouchable

IVF and Beyond

As a proud IVF father, one gets used to the constant “questioning” of ability as a parent. Just like a typical Looking Aheadparent, I want nothing more than a “legal status” for my IVF children because if you have legal status that means you have rights and if you have rights then they are protected. With legal status in limbo, how can we begin to even address the atrocities? It is one thing to victimize me because I dared to be different as a male but totally different when you abuse and violate my children, now you have woken up the lion in me or should I say the “lioness” in me to get the point across? Being abused as a male by a spouse maybe uncommon but failure to report the abuse and crimes by male spouses is common. Worse, a male parent may also fail to report the abuse and crimes against a child. That does NOT mean the abuse did not occur against the child or the male spouse. When I see my IVF daughter today, I know she saved me and NOT abandoning her was and is the right decision. She is NOT a “commodity” to be discarded like property but is a living, breathing human being with respect for basic human decency and her rights as a human. Her tender kiss and smiles also remind me to NEVER have this occur to anyone ever again. She is voiceless and innocent and does not understand that her legal status is in a legal limbo meaning her rights are at stake. But her living, breathing being full of smiles, energy and chutzpah is SCREAMING for EQUAL rights and just be treated as a “typical” human being with human rights and its protection. I used to play and “buzz” with my little IVF son, to infinity and beyond…our lives has taken us to a path of to IVF and beyond.

What is the Beyond about?

While several people struggle, may end up giving up, we are lucky to have been “successful” with the several IVF cycles and blessed with two lovely IVF children. Now what?

The “beyond” is about regardless of your stance on pro or anti IVF, or children MUST have legal mother to have EQUAL rights, or “socially acceptable” parents based on gender (read as women) and on and on, now the IVF children are born in this world, do they have EQUAL rights or not? Regardless whether they are born to gay men or single men or spouse of intersex. The ” beyond” is about acquiescing the facts that in the 21st century there will be more men whether gay, single, or spouse of intersex who will be equally loving of their children without a “legal mother”, will such children have EQUAL rights and protection as other children?

Why is it important to UNITE IVF siblings?

For the same reasons why separating innocent children from their biological mothers during the baby scoop era was wrong. The innocent children were forced into adoption because their only fault was they were born to a “single mother” which was “socially unacceptable” at the time. Have we moved the cheese now and is the only fault of IVF children being separated from their biological parent because the parent is a male which is “socially unacceptable” today? Sadly there are truth and reconciliation commissions today after decades seeking the truth and even apologizing but can the lost childhoods ever be restored? When will we move “beyond” this?

The standard gauge that prevailing laws apply is there violence and abuse of a child? Is the child getting food, shelter, clothing, toys, education, development? There is nothing standard about binational immigrant dysfunctional intersex family. The only consistency is secrecy and lies.

If the same “standard gauge” is applied then why are governments apologizing to the children and biological parents of the baby scoop era? Did the adoptive parents abuse the child? Did the adoptive parents not provide the “standard” things for a child? There is something bigger.

If the same “standard gauge” is applied then why was Sean Goldman reunited with his biological father? Were the biological grandparents not providing for the “standard” things for a child? There is something bigger.

Recently, a horror story came out of Ohio where allegedly Mr. Castro  allegedly kidnapped and raped and may have even fathered a child with one of the victims. He provided food, shelter, clothes, and even took the child to the park like a typical parent. As an IVF father, if I ever have an opportunity to ask Ms. Berry, I would ask her did Mr. Castro provide all the “standard” things to a child as a parent? Clearly it offends our humanity because there is something bigger here.

The something “bigger” in each case is simple – truth and doing the right thing.

Anything based on a foundation of lies hurts the child – simple. No matter how we try to justify or legalize to validate our actions, truth is above all that and far more powerful. Do the right thing.

Looking Beyond

Nothing against parents of natural born children but experiencing infertility or dysfertility and it’s associated trauma makes a mark on any human. Gender does not matter. Just ask any gay parent or single IVF parent or infertile couple. However, parents who physically look male are discriminated against because we are “socially unacceptable”. Worse, our children are discriminated because of a parent’s gender. Is it time to speak up for the sake of children?

As a proud IVF father, there are people who want to censure me or shut me up or disallow me to claim being an IVF father. Implicitly, they are also taking away rights of my IVF children and so many other IVF children yet to be born. In a world where my parenting is constantly questioned based on my physical appearance as a male, some women have even told me that the IVF child is better off with a person who looks female. I shudder to ask them what they think about gay parents or single male parents since there is NO “female” around? It also so happens that none of these women have experienced infertility. I get a very different response from women who have experienced infertility or dysfertility.

Secrecy and lies were used to abuse me and violate my rights. The same secrecy and lies is now being used to violate my IVF children’s rights. NO MORE. This is much BIGGER. The lesson today is that showing compassion was wrong and the secrecy is being used against us and our innocent children. If a human being does not respect their own human rights, how can they expect others including laws to respect their human rights? If IVF parents don’t respect our IVF parenthood, how can we expect others to respect it? And implicitly rights of our IVF children.

I Have A Dream…

I have a dream that someday IVF children and families will have EQUAL rights and NOT be a slave or hostage to infertility. Infertility is very traumatic, why continue the burden onto innocent, voiceless IVF children after they are born due to unequal laws? I have a dream that someday I will be able to say to my IVF children the TRUTH about their birth without any stigma or REQUIRING a court order to say the TRUTH. I have a dream that someday I will be allowed to CELEBRATE IVF with my IVF children instead of SUPPRESSING the FACTS and LYING and CENSORSHIP. I have a dream that someday the ONLY thing that matters is TRUTH.

Looking Ahead…

Infertility is very traumatic but is it so traumatic that you victimize others for it? Infertile people are victims of Brother-Sisternature while innocent children and their biological parents who are separated are victims of humans. Humans who choose to lie, cheat, fraud, commit crimes at any cost because they are desperate for a child. It’s a cycle of abuse.

Parents of infertile children should not teach their children to lie instead help them deal with infertility in an honest and open manner.

Parents of intersex children should not teach their intersex children to lie instead help them deal with intersexuality with truth, especially with their spouses. If an intersex person wants to keep their issues private, they should not victimize other humans by lying, cheating and frauding them.

Parents of intersex children and intersex people should advocate for equal rights of intersex to marry instead of lying and getting married illegally. As a spouse of intersex, we have to deal with repurcusions of an illegal intersex marriage.

Our IVF children have LESS rights. If you follow legal process, parents of a natural born child or legally adopted child have proper legal paperwork including birth certificate, passport and all other related identity documents. Most importantly, because they have legal documents, they have a legal identity, they have legal rights. When a child is recognized legally only then their child rights and human rights can be protected. How do you protect rights of a child who is NOT A LEGAL ENTITY?

Victims in an lying intersex family are left in a no mans land of laws. Neither here, nor there. As Tony Briffa (a honest and truthful intersex person) puts it, feels neither man nor woman. If you are honest like Tony Briffa is, one cannot abuse, victimize others. Lying, cheating, fraud creates victims and that too voiceless children. Tony Briffa has also adopted children legally because he is honest without making defamatory, false statements against the biological parent or alienating the innocent child from his parent and sibling.

Recently, Mr. Castro was caught in a complex crime of kidnapping and apparently has also fathered a child with his kidnapped victim, Ms. Berry. If an opportunity presents, it would be interesting to know how Ms. Berry felt that the father of her daughter took interest to take the little girl out to the park or for walks like “typical” parents do. Looking after the little girl’s needs like food, shelter, clothes, toys, education, development and so on. Does that make him a good parent?

What is hidden is the lies and a thousand lied to hide one lie. And regardless of love for the child, a foundation of lies only reveals the hidden abuse. Worse, an infertile parent may even claim abuse by the fertile parent if they feel insecure about losing custody of the child. Sadly, this is an easy way to manipulate the legal system and wrestle the child away from a male parent. Even worse, an infertile parent may even separate a victimized child from his only known biological family including the sibling the child wanted. What are the rights of the innocent, voiceless children? What are the rights of an innocent spouse caregiver of intersex and an IVF father? Are they victims of lying intersex or are they victims because they tried to help an infertile person? Intersex and infertility are victims of nature, what about innocent IVF children and spouse who are victims of lying intersex?

I have a dream that IVF children like mine and all others have EQUAL rights, we have a legal status. Is that normal to want for any parent? If children with Down’s syndrome, Asperger’s syndrome, cystic fibrosis and others have advocacy groups, why can’t IVF children have an advocacy group to have equal rights? How can we spread awareness and educate others if we are not allowed to share the truth and facts? In a democracy, a minority like ours can only get equal rights with help and support of majority which is through sharing the facts. Are we allowed to say the truth to get equal rights or will be silenced? And before we are silenced, please review our achievements in one year of coming out which is a greater good for all. We know we are looking ahead, we just need to convince others that secrecy and lying is a failed approach and is selfish. Truth and sharing helps build laws and equality for the future – values we can inculcate in our children starting with innocent IVF siblings.

Whether an intersex person wants to come out or not is their choice. As a spouse of intersex, we want equal rights for intersex like marry legally. A spouse of gay is gay and spouse of lesbian is lesbian who have freedom and equal rights as their spouse to advocate for equal rights, then spouse of intersex should have equal rights too? Or was it a crime to marry an intersex person? And the punishment is continued silence and abuse and victimization with no rights. We are very happy that Ms. Berry, her daughter and the other two victims were rescued from their cycle of abuse, silence and trauma after a decade. We are hoping it’s not another decade for us and our IVF children before being freed from a vicious cycle of abuse, silence and trauma.