Tag Archives: untouchable

Familypreneur

The definition for “entrepreneur” as provided by the dictionary is : one who organizes, manages, and takes on UglyHeart-PrettyFacethe risks of a business or enterprise. Then what is a “familypreneur“? Is it ” one who organizes, manages, and takes on the risks of a family”? Typically, this is a role that women have taken on traditionally or naturally. There are women who may take offense to have it “expected” out of them Vs. there are women who may take offense if its not mentioned. As in other things in life, one cannot make everyone happy. But you start a discussion somewhere, silence is the worst form of abuse. From first hand accounts from victims of rape, domestic violence and abuse, it has come to realization that staying SILENT is wrong and allows the abuser to abuse more. TRUTH is the only way forward.

Mothers are great, the traditional familypreneur. They have multiple roles as primary caregiver, primary healer, primary forgiver, primary compassionate and loving person and keeps the “family” glued together just to name a few. It is not that a mother makes you a meal or whatever else but how she does it with tender love and care that makes a mother different in ALL regards. When there are two genetic males in a relationship, who is the “traditional familypreneur”? When a child arrives (technology is amazing!), who is the “traditional familypreneur” between two genetic males? Do we have the laws and resources and social organizations to help relationships between two genetic males like domestic violence, abuse, equal rights, etc? For those who believe its time to move on, we welcome you to know the TRUTH and FACTS and you will understand that the young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND an IVF father is not someone who GIVES UP. Had he given up, the intersex person would have been devastated long time ago, the IVF children would NEVER have been born and more than likely, his life would have ended a long time ago if giving up is the cause. So, GIVING UP is not the answer, TRUTH with COMPASSION is. The spouse always showed compassion but was missing the TRUTH part and its never too late to start speaking the truth, especially when INNOCENT children are involved. The lion inside the IVF father has woken up for the sake of his CHILDREN. The issue is neither intersex nor infertility, the issue is LYING and BREAKING the LAWS including abusing innocent infants and denying them their rights.

I Have A Dream…

I have a dream that someday IVF children and families will have EQUAL rights and NOT be a slave or hostage to infertility, secrecy and stigma. Infertility is very traumatic, why continue the burden onto innocent, voiceless IVF children after they are born due to unequal laws?

I have a dream that someday a child’s rights is NOT based on their parent’s gender.

I have a dream that someday what will matter MOST is the love for the child as a parent and NOT a parent’s gender.

I have a dream that someday IVF parents are able to say the TRUTH to their IVF children without any stigma or REQUIRING a court order to say the TRUTH.

I have a dream that someday IVF families will be allowed to CELEBRATE IVF with their IVF children instead of SUPPRESSING the FACTS and LYING and CENSORSHIP.

I have a dream that someday the ONLY thing that matters is TRUTH.

Relentless Servitude and Repeated Lying and Breaking the Laws

Intersex marriage is illegal just like same-sex marriage is illegal. So if you are in love with a same-sex person, do you convince them to commit fraud and break the laws? Or do you both UNITE as a family and fight for equal rights so that you can marry legally? Falling in love with same-sex person is “Personal” while “legal marriage” is a public policy issue. If you lie, cheat, and fraud into an intersex marriage, does that mean the marriage is legal? Does that mean that other intersex people can ALSO marry legally? Isn’t it better to fight for equal rights and the greater good than just thinking selfishly for yourself? This is about living on the EDGE of medical science and on the EDGE of social justice. Take a journey into why a DECADE of secrecy and lies is a failed approach and why TRUTH with compassion is the right answer. While the Asian cultures recognize the “third gender” legally, the western culture forces everyone into a “binary gender” and regardless the laws in the west also consider intersex marriage illegal.

Maybe if you lied, cheated, and frauded into a marriage, if you truly love the person, you apologize, ask for forgiveness and move on. If there is compassion, there will be life after that. The secrecy helps NO ONE. There are several intersex people who have intersex surgery either in childhood, or in puberty or as an adult but NOT DURING MARRIAGE. When a spouse of intersex experiences intersex surgery DURING MARRIAGE, he is not only taking RISK for the family but it is UNKNOWN RISK. The spouse becomes a caregiver overnight due to the medications, the treatment. There are several marriages where a spouse may have a “life-changing” health condition like a young war veteran amputee or a breast cancer treatment and so on. Several spouses STAY and help out as a caregiver. More importantly, the spouses are allowed to share the TRUTH and seek HELP. The young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex is FORCED into SILENCE and thereby DENIED any HELP. Is that abuse? The intersex person and their health providers thought ONLY about the intersex patient, NOT the caregiver, NOT the FAMILY. Because the health providers ONLY have protocols for helping intersex people and their parents, NONE for spouse of intersex. The spouse of intersex takes on UNKNOWN RISK for the family, manages and organizes everything in SILENCE. The intersex surgery is NOT abuse but the effects of it are including violence abuse and threats. Creating FRAUD LEGAL DOCUMENTS is a CRIME regardless of justifications. The way it is being dealt with DURING A MARRIAGE is abuse and a gross violation of human rights. Since the marriage is ILLEGAL, can there be any charges of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE? Technically, the marriage is between two genetic males, are there any LAWS for violence and abuse of male Vs. male? The spouse is rendered into the land of invisible in the eyes of law. As the old addage goes, till death do us apart. The spouse witnessed the WORST possible stages that an individual can go through…a transition that affects you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, in EVERY WAY possible. The spouse managed, organized the family in SILENCE, STOOD BY the intersex SPOUSE, DID NOT LEAVE THE MARRIAGE. In all these times, the spouse did not even care for himself, something most family caregivers are guilty of. Does that mean we can ABUSE them?

Then came the child. Biologically, two genetic males cannot have a child. However, medical technology like in vitro fertilization (IVF) is amazing and helps infertile or dysfertile couples. It is expensive. As a YOUNG couple, we did not have the FINANCIAL resources to have an IVF child in the US. India, our country of citizenship, had just opened up commercial surrogacy. Sadly, there were NO agencies or subject matter experts to help us organize and manage IVF in India while we live in the US. Plus we were dealing with infertility in secrecy as the intersex spouse in NO WAY wanted anyone to know about the infertility just like intersex. ROUND 2 of failed approach of SECRECY and LIES. As a result, we had NO access to bioethicists, women’s organizations, proper counseling for IVF – the pros and cons from a neutral partner. We were young, foolish and desperate for a child. Had the TRUTH been known, most people would have asked us to WAIT to have a child. We LIED, we kept SECRETS and got a lovely IVF child. During those times as the biological parent, the fertile spouse spent sleepless nights talking to the IVF clinic in India and gathering information about his soon to be born FIRST CHILD. For any parent, thats a MOMENT of great JOY. However because the IVF procedure was SECRET, because we could NOT tell our family and friends, the fertile spouse was NOT allowed to SHARE the JOY of having a child. Is that CRUEL? Wouldn’t have been better to just say the TRUTH? Just like the ongoing caregiving experience was in silence, the becoming a PARENT was experienced in SILENCE. The IVF child was born, fraud LEGAL documents were CREATED AGAIN just like the intersex surgery, and the IVF child was illegally brought to the US. This was probably the single BIGGEST RISK taken for the family. Instead of celebrating the FIRST IVF CHILD of an Eunuch marriage in India or known as intersex elsewhere, why should we be silenced? It is a SYMBOL of everything that intersex or Eunuchs are fighting for worldwide – EQUALITY.

Raising The First IVF Child of an Eunuch Marriage

Mothers are great and I love my mother. Who is the “mother” for a child between two genetic males? Unless you are opposed to gay marriage and we can stop the discussion. Who is the “mother” for a child in a gay couple? In an IVF child case, who is the “legal mother”? the anonymous egg donor or the surrogate or the two genetic males? Rather than focusing on “mother”, we can discuss about the “primary care provider”. One spouse was under medical treatment for intersex surgery and still coming to terms with the ongoing hormonal treatment. Also, they had a broken leg making it physically impractical to carry an infant, change the diapers on the infant, taking the infant out for a walk with their broken leg, and so many other things that a “primary care provider” does. While it is very TRAUMATIC for the intersex spouse, who DID the “primary care provider” duties for the INFANT? Did his diaper get changed automatically? Did someone pick him up automatically? Did someone take him out for walks, to the park, look after his development while one spouse was recovering from multiple tragedies? Could it be the young, male, spouse caregiver who also DOUBLED up as the biological parent who had already spend several sleepless nights waiting in SILENCE for this bundle of love to arrive? Could he manage and organize and take the RISK for the family, his own son? Could he be the primary care provider for his own son for whom he had struggled so hard?

Years Passed

The intersex spouse gradually kept getting better at the cost of silence of the fertile spouse caregiver and the innocent infant. If she is a butterfly today, we have both experienced and witnessed the ugly stage of larvae. The  silence and abuse was unbearable and the fertile spouse asked for a divorce. This shook the foundation of the intersex spouse. One, the marriage was illegal, second there was NO biological connection with the IVF child, a DNA test would prove that, and third and probably the most important one, who else and how else would she get ANOTHER child in this lifetime? Sadly, the LAWS for intersex are unequal and living as a binational immigrant in the US, makes it only WORSE for IVF families and children. Does that mean its OK to SPLIT a child from his primary care provider, his father? Does that mean its OK to SPLIT an IVF child from his only knownn biological family? We have shown our sympathy, empathy, compassion more in ACTION than in words for the traumatic case of intersex, but we are humans too, we have human rights too, or do we? More importantly, our IVF children deserve EQUAL rights and should not be INVISIBLE in the eyes of the law. We need a LEGAL IDENTITY for our IVF children. SECRECY AND LIES is NOT the answer. The abuse, violence, threats perpetrated upon us CANNOT BE ALLOWED to be perpetrated on innocent children in the name of “compassion”. Say the TRUTH. The spouse caregiver of intersex and IVF father is LUCKY to be alive. There are several other fertile people who have been murdered or killed or other such things so that an infertile person can take their child away. This is DIFFERENT. This is more like the “baby scoop era” of the 1940s to 1970s when children were taken away from their biological mothers because they were “single” and it was “socially unacceptable” at the time. There were forced adoptions which were LEGALIZED then only for the governments to be APOLOGIZING now. Can the childhoods be RESTORED? Is this case of “LEGAL KIDNAPPING” by suppression of FACTS? What we want is RESPECT the LAWS. If the LAWS are unEQUAL then fight for EQUAL LAWS but BREAKING the LAWS while abusing someone else is NOT the right approach.

This case is AHEAD of its times. Thats OK. If I were to be murdered or be silenced somehow, let TRUTH prevail.

 

I Will Fight till I’m Dead

“I will fight till I’m Dead”, said Jason Patric who fathered a child through IVF. It’s the bond that people create. I never give up till deathLOVE MY SON and there is NOT a MOMENT I do not think about him or miss him.

If Mr. Patric is a “sperm donor” even though he has a biological link to the child but has NO rights, what about a person who has NO biological link with an IVF child, no sperm, no egg, no womb, can they have a parent-child relationship with an IVF child? Can they keep the IVF child away from a biological parent and siblings and family against his wishes?

Even though physically there is always a mother and father for a child, legally in this case the LAW says there is “NO LEGAL FATHER” and denied parental rights. If an absence of an IVF contract deems no parental rights for a father, is the same true for a mother? What if an IVF child exists with “NO LEGAL MOTHER”? What are the rights of the innocent, voiceless IVF child? In this case the father has a biological link to the IVF child. It is one thing to LIE under oath and cheat adults and the court and use FALSE MEDICAL RECORDS. But it is totally different to DENY rights to innocent, voiceless IVF children using to the same LIES. The innocent children may be voiceless but have RIGHTS and have TRUTH on their side – its just a matter of time. When health professionals make false medical claims, it has reverberating effects on innocents including not getting justice they deserve.

If you can find something that you’re really passionate about, whether you’re a man or a woman comes a lot less into play. Passion is a gender-neutralizing force.” – said Ms. Marissa Mayer. As an IVF father, I am completely passionate about IVF, however, my gender of MALE was used against me and my IVF children to SPLIT them. We are still waiting for a gender-neutralizing force in parenting rights at home.

The fundamental issue here is that like any other technology, there is always a few bad apples who misuse technology. Do we have an appropriate legal framework to both harness this wonderful IVF technology AND provide proper safeguards in the best interest of the IVF child and all others involved in an IVF procedure? Socially, people may want to believe that its the “LOVE” that counts and NOT the “biological link”. However, the LAWS do NOT see it that way. Prevailing laws (or rather lack thereof) place more responsibility and accountability on “biological parents” than non-biological parents when it comes to IVF children.

While there is lot of talk about “intended parents” in IVF terminology (where one intended parent may have NO biological link with IVF child), should we ALSO be discussing “intended residence” of the IVF child in case of international IVF? This is important in international IVF because again IMMIGRATION LAWS work based on “biological link” and not the social structure. This separates IVF children away from their biological families. Has anyone asked what does the IVF child want? Are IVF children human beings?

Are we starting a NEW ERA of baby scoop era now for IVF children by taking them away from their biological families? It’s IRONIC because single motherhood has its roots in the baby scoop era. The HOPE is that most women who have learnt the facts of this case have sided with Mr. Patric because it shows he was always willing to SHARE and is a GOOD PARENT and is not a deadbeat father. If a parent truly loves their child more than themselves, they will allow the child to have both parents.  Of course the SON, also a MALE, will be wondering where his father is while growing up and when he finds out that his father fought till his death to be a part of his life to SHARE, what will his feelings be for his father, also a MALE? What will his feelings be when HE becomes a father?

Equal rights for IVF children and families is a fight till I am dead or someone plans to have me killed.

The IVF Movement

Infertility or dysfertility is very traumatic. And as we move into the 21st century, it is time to HARNESS the IVF movement equal rightstechnology. IVF is a wonderful technology that assists infertile or dysfertile people to have children. And just like any other technology, it can be misused. In this case, IVF produces “human babies” and somehow we are of the opinion that “human babies” have MORE rights than other animals or material things. IVF children are NOT to be treated like “property” but rather as their own individual human beings with their own rights. The IVF ecosystem is bigger than the traditional two parents and rights of all need to be considered including IVF children and families, donors, surrogates.

There are other medical conditions with far FEWER incidence rates but have a lot more awareness and LAWS to help families cope with this. Medical conditions like cystic fibrosis, autism, certain forms of cancer, and so on have FAR FEWER incidence rates than infertility as per CDC data. Then why the DIFFERENCE in the legal treatment? Why are there NO CONSISTENT LAWS for protecting IVF children and families dealing with infertility? Maybe because it is dealt with secrecy, lies, and lack of awareness and TRUTH is TWISTED. How is UNTRUTH going to solve a problem? Dealing with facts and promulgating EQUAL laws will. If you agree, join us in an IVF Movement.

BANNING the technology may be a knee-jerk reaction but not a permanent one and it stifles innovation. Multiple factors are calling for urgent action for the IVF Movement and to pass laws. With increasing globalization, international IVF is more prevalent mainly due to affordability. As gay marriages are being legalized, there will be a greater demand to have children through IVF. If there are international laws for child abduction and child adoption, why are there NO international laws for IVF children and families? There are citizenship issues and IVF children are inadvertently placed in LEGAL LIMBO. How do you protect the rights of an innocent, voiceless IVF child whose own LEGAL STATUS is in LIMBO? Do IVF children have any rights or are the “property”?

In the IVF movement, there are several participants. Certain scientific facts CANNOT be unchanged. To have a baby, one needs sperm, egg and a womb. It is NOT OFFENSIVE, it is a FACT. Most citizenship laws are based on “BIOLOGICAL LINK” even though non-biological parental rights are promoted. The reality of international IVF and immigration is NOT IN SYNC with social realities of non-biological parental rights. First, we need a consistent set of terminology in the IVF movement independent of GENDER or SEXUAL ORIENTATION. We need to recognize that the IVF child is a HUMAN BEING with their own individual human rights and not “property” to be traded.

Infertility – Any individual with fertility issues.

Dysfertility – Any individual or couple who are fertile but need help of someone else to have a child. For example, a gay or lesbian or intersex couple, or a single parent.

Intended parent – Any parent – male or female wanting to be responsible and accountable for an IVF child starting with birth, raising, and their growth and development.

Donor – Any compassionate human willing to donate their egg or sperm.

Surrogate – Any compassionate woman willing to offer their womb for gestation, sometimes could be the mother herself depending on the fertility issues.

IVFphile – An intended parent who abandons an IVF pregnancy midway with no responsibility or accountability for the IVF child and the left-behind IVF parent. Sometimes leading to a case of LEGAL LIMBO or STATELESSNESS for the IVF child and IVF parent causing severe harm and damage. Much like a pedophile where the innocent, voiceless victims have no say. Who pays the surrogate if an IVFphile abandons an IVF pregnancy?

IVFphobe – People who are opposed to IVF for moral, religious or personal reasons and thats to be respected. Some choose to remain silent about their opposition, while some are vocal and while some are offensive and abusive. Any opposition should pre-date the birth of the IVF child, once the IVF child is born, why abuse and punish innocent IVF children and give them LESS rights (even if inadvertent) than any other human child?

IVF parent – Socially, same as the intended parent. But legally, a “biological link” is required with the child for immigration purposes which creates a legal entity called “IVF parent” as the parent with the “biological link” to the child for legal purposes.

Intended Residence – Because of international IVF, immigration laws of resident countries need to be followed. Just like it is important to identify intended parents of an IVF child, it is equally important to identify the intended residence of the IVF child and ensuring the IVF child can PASS the prevailing immigration laws to get to the intended residence. Much like the substantial presence test used for immigration and tax purposes.

Any parent who has been through IVF can tell you that IVF is a journey. Not to take anything away from a parent who gave birth naturally but if infertility or dysfertility is a medical condition, it has to be treated as such. Education, spreading awareness is going to get us to a stage of EQUAL laws. It maybe a while and takes time BUT is the right path. As one can see the IVF ecosystem is huge and it takes more than the “two traditional parents” to make a child. Do the LAWS reflect this reality? Is everyone’s best interest in an IVF procedure accounted for? Just like IVF is a journey and a roller-coaster ride of emotions, finances, unequal laws, etc., the IVF Movement is to eradicate or soften the blow of these issues.

Robbing From a Child

What possible point can an adult be wanting to prove by robbing from a child? What possible virtue could an rob children of tomorrowadult want to instill in a child by showing them how to rob from an innocent child? What possible lesson an adult may want to show an innocent child by robbing them of a sibling, a parent, a biological family?

“This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – Judge P. Kevin Castel in the case of Carlina White

Carlina White was kidnapped when she was merely a few days old and SEPARATED from her biological family. Decades later, she figured out on her own the truth and facts. She outed the very caretaker who had raised her for ALL these years despite the brainwashing and alienation against her BIOLOGICAL FAMILY. Today as per news reports, she is removed both from her biological family AND the woman who raised her. Is this the future of separated IVF children or do we have time to SAVE them?

During the baby scoop era, BIOLOGICAL children were SEPARATED from their mothers because their only fault was being born to “single mothers”. Whether the adoptive parents knew the truth or not, today the same children and the “single mothers” are getting apologies from the government for its actions. However, they are UNABLE to restore the LOST childhoods and siblings and the love of a biological parent. Why rob from a child?

Sean Goldman in Brazil was reunited with his biological father in the US in 2009 after 5 years because as US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said at the time, “A child belongs with his [biological] family”. Was Sean being abused, or not being given food, clothes, toys, education, nurture for his growth and development by his biological grandparents raising him? Its the “right thing” to do, why rob from a child?

In an immigrant, international IVF case, the RESULT is the same. An innocent IVF child SEPARATED from his only known BIOLOGICAL FAMILY and his PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER. Except he is too young to have a voice that can be heard, so its OK to ROB him of his rights. In 2009, immigrant gay rights DID NOT EXIST in the US. However, the intention of the US government was NEVER to separate families as they started allowing gay families to immigrate to the US in 2013. A spouse of intersex is NOT gay but from a legal perspective, the same laws (or lack thereof) are applicable. Only someone with intimate knowledge of the immigration laws for IVF children of US immigrant father (or rather lack thereof) could have used the loophole in the law in 2009 for their personal benefit. The RESULT is STATELESS IVF children. People who are STATELESS do not have EQUAL rights. For example, the right to get a passport and travel freely in the world to meet a SIBLING. Why rob from a child? The not being able to play catch with him or read him the night time stories or helping him with his school projects and the intermittent hugs and kisses is what I miss the most – active participation in your child’s life.

Beyond Traditional Abuse

It will take a few years or even decades for the case facts to sink in and to connect the dots. But even over time, the FACTS will remain the same and intact. This is NOT about intersex family rights or IVF rights OR gay rights or caregiver rights or immigration rights. This is about someone knowingly and deliberately breaking the laws and preying on innocent, unsuspecting victims. People with CAIS will continue to be born as its naturally occurring, they will continue to be born with male testes even though someone with CAIS may have a medical record from a doctor stating they had “ovaries”. Just like that is a LIE and in fact, lying on medical records is a crime, it only goes to show how widespread the CONSPIRACY is. When highly educated and learned people begin to commit crimes, is there any hope, are there other inadvertent VICTIMS? Is teaching children to lie and live in secret the FUTURE strategy of dealing with CAIS and intersex? Why rob from a child?

Effects of a FALSE medical record

The issue is NOT whether a genetic male should be allowed to breastfeed, the question is after how many cries of a hungry infant is it ABUSE due to LACK of milk when a genetic male attempts to breastfeed? Just like the medical record stating “ovaries” in a CAIS patient is FALSE, breastfeeding by a genetic male due to lack of milk is FALSE. It may be wishful thinking but still FALSE and underscores the ABUSE upon the infant and the partner FORCED into SILENCE. It underscores the OTHER VICTIMS of the secrecy and lies. Why rob from a child? To put into perspective, how many mothers asked the father of their infant to breastfeed? Is it a natural instinct?

Similarly, if a patient is under severe trauma and is under ongoing medical treatment, how can they be a PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for an infant at the same time? It’s wishful thinking BUT still FALSE. Why rob from a child?

Just like CAIS people do not have ovaries even though a medical record may state otherwise, an IVF child does not become a natural born child even though a document may state so. Lies remain lies and TRUTH remains TRUTH. How many LIES to hide one LIE? Truth is easier. Rather than teaching children to LIE and live in secrecy and abusing and victimizing others, it is BETTER to teach them the truth and celebrate who they are, how they are. As a parent, thats what I want for my IVF children, celebrate the TRUTH and celebrate the HUMANITY of all responsible for bringing them into this world and raising them.

If you are a great parent, why would you ABANDON an IVF child after placing an order WITH NO respect for the IVF child’s rights or basic human dignity. IVF creates unique situations. An order can be placed for an IVF child as long as you have MONEY. No egg, no womb, no sperm REQUIRED, just MONEY. Then if you change your mind during the IVF pregnancy, WHAT are the RIGHTS of the IVF child, the RIGHTS of the SURROGATE, the rights of left-behind parent? Do they have RIGHTS TO move forward in LIFE as they begin to assemble a life from the broken pieces and STATELESSNESS and LEGAL LIMBO? Did STATELESS refugees from Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Sudan, Rwanda, South America, Europe, etc. have RIGHTS to MOVE forward if they survived? Why rob from a child?

Just like the medical community and parents of intersex have taught their intersex children to LIE and live in secrecy, it is a FAILED approach. Teaching IVF children they are NOT IVF and somehow making “IVF” a taboo subject is WRONG. Being who they are and being PROUD of who they are is the right approach. Especially in cases of IVF children like Vedant and Medhavi, so many people CAME TOGETHER to bring them into this world and raise them, it is a PROUD moment to celebrate the contributions of others and NOT HIDE it. It would be DISRESPECTING the humanity around us. Why ROB from a child? What is the “greatness” in trying to inculcate children by teaching them to rob from a child?

Good Things Happen to Good People

Is it true? I was left for dead but miraculously survived due to the love and support of my family. So I for oneDomestic-Violence-Abuse-Against-Men believe in this statement. Question is are my IVF children “good people”? Will “good things” happen to them? Will my innocent, voiceless IVF children be silenced?

The Taliban failed to silence us” – Malala Yousafzai

As per a recent study in the US, there are 65.7 Million family caregivers in the US. Out of which about 33% are male, about 13% are spouse caregivers and less than 4% of the caregivers are below the age of 35. As a young, male, spouse caregiver, I thought I was doing something “good”. In another study, women are 6 times more likely to be divorced or be left alone by their spouses or partners when diagnosed with a traumatic condition. As a spouse caregiver by staying in a marriage, I thought I was doing something “good”.  I was working on “feelings”, something I have been since taught that for men to have “feelings” is like fake jewelry. We are only supposed to show “feelings”, no one actually cares if we have “real feelings”. We will delve on “feelings” and “gender” a little later.

What Lies Underneath

What started out as something simply following your heart and being “good” to fellow human beings turned intoUglyHeart-PrettyFace a massive learning experience. Worse, it has turned into a punishment for my IVF children who are innocent and voiceless. Every marriage has issues, it is the ability to come through it. As a family caregiver, I put my education on hold. As a direct consequence, certain career paths became non-existent especially in the line of finance and business. Money is not everything in life, love is…right, I tried that. The entire relationship became about servitude and slavery to secrecy and lies. You see the “traumatic medical condition” is intersex, something still TABOO and not to be talked about openly. Then how do we DEAL with EFFECTS of INTERSEX to people like us? As victims, how do we get relief without being able to voice our concerns?

1) Because the spouse is intersex, an intersex surgery was needed which was based on a concealment based approach using lies, secrecy, coercion and misinformation. While we had NO evidence until 2013 that the surgery was unnecessary and was torture when the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP. Apparently, we are one of the several “guinea pigs” in medical experimentation of intersex without our knowledge.

2) Because of intersex in the family, there is infertility. Infertility has several solutions but as immigrants to the US, the solutions become limited. International IVF is one of those solutions but immigration rights are still NOT equal for intersex families. While gay and intersex families are different, from a legal perspective, they are treated the same especially when it comes to immigration and marital rights. Till recently, gay marriage was illegal in the US and so was immigration of gay spouses. What is the status for intersex marriage and immigration based on intersex marriage?

LOVE – Have Some Compassion

We have every sympathy for an intersex person and let our actions speak for themselves. What we also have is sympathy for EFFECTS of intersex on families when it comes to infertility, immigration and marital rights. It is a LACK of these rights for intersex families is why the innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister arePushing the Envelope SEPARATED. Maulik became an inadvertent familypreuneur in dealing with intersex issues and effects of an intersex marriage. Family means LOVE and TRUST and RESPECT for each other. There is no room for LIES, SECRECY, and FRAUD. Regardless of whether it is a heterosexual, gay, lesbian, intersex marriage or relationship, LOVE IS defined the SAME way.

If an intersex person has EVERY right to “feel” how they want, does the spouse have a right to “feel” how they want based on the discrimination faced as a member of the intersex family? Are both EQUAL humans? Being intersex is natural and something not in a person’s control but secrecy and lying about it is in a person’s control including STRIPPING rights from an unsuspecting, unknowing spouse.

Certain things ALWAYS remain true even though it may be SHOCKING when they first are revealed and there is a huge resistance to CHANGE. Galileo’s observation that earth revolves around the sun and not the other way around. Even though Galileo was defamed, tortured and humiliated at the time, today we all KNOW he was saying the TRUTH.

In the future, there will be people born with CAIS with male testes and NO ovaries or uterus and have a genetic makeup of “XY”. Just because some doctor chose to LIE and create a FRAUD medical record (a crime) does not make a CAIS person have “ovaries”.  There is a severe traumatic phase when one undergoes this surgery and treatment, a caregiver would know intimately. Can the person be a PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for an infant at the same time? Because the spouse was being “good” with the secrecy and lies, somehow it is OK to separate his son from him now? or to SEPARATE a brother from his sister?

People like Tony Briffa and Edie Windsor are the true faces of LGBTI because they are being HONEST. They are leading the way on how to get EQUAL rights. If gender is based on how someone “feels” and NOT chromosomal makeup like “XX” or “XY” or any other variation, the only thing we “feel” is honesty and respect for LAWS is needed especially in a sacred relationship like LOVE – truth is paramount. If someone’s HUMAN RIGHTS are violated, say the truth and fight for EQUAL rights but do not trample on other people’s human rights by victimizing innocent, unsuspecting people.

Had there been NO intent to lie, cheat, fraud the spouse in an illegal marriage, there would be NO continuation of LIES and FRAUD to separate an innocent son from his sibling and only known biological family at any and all costs.

Do good things happen to good people? Let us hope children are counted as people and not a trophy for infertility and something good does happen to them.

Natural or Human-Made Trauma?

There are varying degrees of trauma that people face day-in and day-out. The same event also affects each traumaperson differently. What is more traumatic? When trauma occurs for things outside your control or when trauma occurs due to someone else?

For example, being born intersex is not in a person’s control but is lying about it in their control? And what happens when you lie? Lets say you get into an illegal marriage by lying to an unsuspecting, innocent person and then you lie to the government to get immigration as a spouse, then you lie to have a biological child even though medically you are infertile, then you lie and separate the child from his biological family, then you lie and abandon an innocent child, a sister of the child you claim to love so much, then you lie, lie, lie. Do you ever stop and think as to how many other people are HURTING from the lies? how many LAWS have been broken? Are these crimes? And the LIES are great because not only you DUPED an innocent, unsuspecting spouse and got a chance to enslave them but you also FOOLED and BROKE LAWS of TWO GOVERNMENTS with NO RESPECT for RULE of LAW. Does that mean other intersex people can legally marry, does that mean other intersex people can immigrate legally through their spouse, does that mean other intersex people can have a child? What have the LIES and BREAKING the LAWS got you?

There are two types of trauma – natural and human-made. Which is worse? The trauma from natural causes is not a crime but causing human-made trauma to others including breaking laws, violating rights of others including innocent, voiceless children is multiple counts of crimes or is it?

EventNaturalHuman-Made
Being Born Eunuch or Hijra or IntersexYesNo
Infertility Due to being born Eunuch or Hijra or IntersexYesNo
Family CaregiverNoYes
Saying a Thousand Lies to Hide One LieNoYes
Intersex Surgery and Ensuing Treatment and TraumaNoYes
Laws for Immigration of Eunuch or Hijra or Intersex spouseNoYes
Lies Causing to Break Laws and Abuse of ChildrenNoYes
Lies Causing STATELESS IVF ChildrenNoYes
Lies Causing SIBLINGS to be SPLIT DELIBERATELYNoYes

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Or Be Transparent?

We all have now learnt that the US policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was wrong and a failed approach. It took abouttruth always two decades to realize that. How many innocent people did the policy hurt? How many people’s rights were violated? Even though it was a stated government policy, it does NOT make it right as the US Supreme Court has proven. In parallel, the social acceptance of gays and lesbians has also increased not to mention that gays and lesbians have become vocal, educated others, spread awareness and so are able to get support from the majority to get their rights.

An Ode to Darren Manzella

Sadly, Darren Manzella passed away recently in a car accident. He was one of the champions of the now rescinded “Dont Ask, Dont Tell” policy. He spoke the TRUTH first in 2006, went public in 2007 and was discharged in 2008 from the Armed forces. He inspired others to say the TRUTH. Was his only fault for saying the TRUTH? Maulik and his IVF children are SPLIT because of lack of gay immigration rights. Maulik, a male, was an immigrant and had the audacity to have IVF children in India while living in the US with “NO LEGAL MOTHER” in the US. In 2009, Maulik was silenced about his claims of IVF and intersex, then in 2010, Maulik was forced to live in EXILE in India to raise his abandoned IVF daughter, in 2013, the US government started allowing gay immigration. The abandoned IVF daughter is still STATELESS and cannot leave India and the IVF son is NOT allowed to come to India resulting in the two siblings NEVER met. In 2013, US saw its first law suit against intersex surgery. In 2013, Germany became the first European country to legally offer a “third gender” for intersex. The question is why are we punishing IVF siblings by forcing them to grow up separately because their IVF father tried to give human rights to an intersex person BEFORE the government could? Punish the IVF father for this heinous act of compassion, why punish his innocent, voiceless IVF children? Mr. Manzella has inspired many including this IVF father to continue to say the TRUTH even if its ahead of our times.

Is history repeating itself? If you are an IVF child or parent, should a failed policy of “Dont Ask, Dont Tell” imposed upon you? Will this hurt any innocent people including innocent IVF children? In an international IVF, does this policy place innocent IVF children in a LEGAL LIMBO? Will there be other victims? Unless IVF children and families are allowed to educate, spread awareness for the issues they face, how will they get EQUAL rights? Secrecy and lies are a failed approach as we have already witnessed.

Is history repeating itself? If you are intersex or a spouse of intersex, should a failed policy of “Dont Ask, Dont Tell” imposed upon you? Will this hurt innocent people? In an international intersex marriage where such marriages are still NOT legal, what will be the implications of an ILLEGAL marriage? Will there be other victims? Unless spouses of intersex are allowed to educate, spread awreness for the issues they face, how will they get EQUAL rights? Secrecy and lies are a failed approach as we have already witnessed.

Living and Breathing Effects of Intersex

Maulik became an IVF father because of infertility in an intersex marriage. Should he have LEFT the intersex marriage instead of having a child through IVF? Maulik was frauded into an intersex marriage without the truth being revealed. Maulik became a spouse caregiver of intersex because of an intersex surgery during a marriage. Should he have left the intersex spouse instead of becoming a caregiver? Even the parents (traditional caregiver for intersex) of the intersex spouse did NOT come to provide any assistance. Maulik’s life is ALL about intersex and its effects, specifically the effects of SECRECY and LYING. Maulik has lived intersex and its effects since he was unknowingly frauded into an illegal intersex marriage. Maulik does not know anything other than intersex, caregiving of intersex, infertility, IVF, immigration of intersex, immigration of IVF children. This is his LIFE. You CANNOT shut someone up from talking about their LIFE unless flagrant human rights violations are OK. The right path is to educate and spread awareness and move forward with transparency. Secrecy and lies are a failed approach. Anyone who tries to “shut up” Maulik through a court order or threats is directly VIOLATING the human rights of Maulik and all those who he is speaking up for including innocent, voiceless IVF children and families and such acts may even be criminal. One can continue on the path of secrecy and lies but in the end truth always prevails. Intersex, IVF, spouses of intersex are all victims  and slaves of secrecy and lying, it needs to end here now.

If intersex is so traumatic, then what is it for a spouse of intersex who was frauded and enslaved? What is it for an IVF daughter who was abandoned before birth deliberately to secure his IVF brother away from his family? We agree intersex is traumatic but that DOES NOT mean one can ABANDON an innocent, voiceless IVF child and make them STATELESS. What about the RIGHTS of the CHILD? One can understand the issues that infertility causes but that does not mean one can deliberately SPLIT siblings with flagrant violations of the law and violating other human beings basic human rights.

Working FOR IVF Children

What takes precedence, the rights of an Intersex Adult or an Innocent, Voiceless IVF child?MRKH IVF Children

Its 2013. We are still years away from equal rights for intersex OR IVF children. Both subjects are HIGHLY SENSITIVE and often dealt with secrecy and lies and also BREAKING the LAWS. In most cultures, it is still TABOO to discuss anything about intersex or IVF/surrogacy. In ways, it reminds us of how we first dealt with HIV/AIDS. There are a lot of rumors, lies, misconceptions that precede any kind of acceptance. I have NO DOUBT that intersex and IVF children and families will ALSO see acceptance and equal rights in the future. But we are living in 2013 – a time of transition for intersex and IVF rights, so lets talk about 2013. We have every sympathy for intersex and let our actions speak for itself, are we allowed to have some rights and sympathy for our IVF children, if NOT EQUAL rights? As an IVF parent, it is offensive to treat IVF children as an after thought with NO respect for their basic human rights and child rights and showing them basic human decency.

Brief Recent Timeline of International Events related to Intersex

1) In late 2000s, IGLHRC, endorsed the inclusion of “I” for Intersex in the LGBTI or GLBTI (Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, Transgenders, Intersex) movement for equal rights as mentioned in the Yogyakarta Principles for LGBTI activism.

2) In February 2013, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP to coerced intersex surgeries.

3) In May 2013, a first-ever law suit was filed for a wrongful intersex surgery in South Carolina, USA

4) In June 2013, the US Supreme Court struck down DOMA and opening a path to federal benefits for same-sex marriages in the US. The direct result of this event was US Immigration allows same-sex spouses to legally sponsor their foreign or binational spouse for US Immigration. Same-sex spouses NOW have access to same federal benefits like traditional marriages including social security, healthcare directives, estate planning, income taxes, and thousands of other federal benefits.

5) In 2011, Australia and later New Zealand, started allowing “I” or “O” as an intermediate gender for intersex and transgender on government issued passports and legally recognized the third gender. This is something other Asian countries like India, Nepal have already been doing for years before Australia or New Zealand.

6) In June 2013, Australia started allowing “I” as an intermediate gender or third gender for intersex and transgender when filling out personal documents in addition to Male/Female. India already allows this years before Australia on voter identity cards, Aadhar cards, passports, etc.

The US and most other western countries ONLY recognize two genders which complicates legal issues for intersex and transgender who may wish to be identified differently. It further COMPLICATES legal issues when there is a binational immigrant intersex marriage with IVF children. Is same-sex marriage SAME as intersex marriage? Are US and other western countries playing “catch up” on this social issue? There is a momentum growing for EQUAL LGBTI rights across the world. Do we wait for EQUAL IVF children and families rights?

Regardless of laws for binary or third gender, the IMPORTANT thing to realize is SECRECY and LIES are not the solution. It is better to be HONEST so that you can get LAWS. Change is coming, what if you got started with change without any resources BEFORE the LAWS existed? What if you did ALL this a DECADE ago? What are the SCARS when an individual tries to give HUMAN RIGHTS to a person where LAWS and government itself FALLS SHORT?

Brief Recent Timeline of International Events related to IVF/Surrogacy Children and Families

1) In 2002, India allowed commercial surrogacy leading a BOOM in medical tourism which also spread to other countries later yet there are NO laws to provide relief for victims.

2) In 2009, US immigration laws do not allow a legal immigrant father to bring a child born outside the US without a “US green card mother”. How will gays or single fathers or spouses of intersex bring their IVF child born outside the US? IVF helps infertile or dysfertile people. In an intersex marriage, the infertility is due to the intersex person, should the spouse of intersex NOT have children because LAWS do not support them?

3) In 2009, in a divorce filing in US, there is NO mention of an ongoing IVF pregnancy in India and thus suppressing the facts from the US court. Why is it NOT mandatory to declare an ongoing IVF pregnancy when filing a divorce just like reporting a natural born pregnancy? Is the IVF child LESS of a child than a natural born child? Is that DENYING the rights of an innocent, voiceless IVF child? Why cannot the IVF child get child support if she was born during the “marriage” assuming intersex marriage is legal.

4) In 2011, the Hague setup a committee to specifically address the needs of IVF children and families especially from an international perspective along the same lines as Hague Convention for International Child Abduction and Hague Convention on International Child Adoption. We still do NOT have international LAWS for IVF/Surrogacy children. Is there a loophole being exploited RISKING lives of innocent, voiceless IVF children and victims?

5) If a parent places an “order” for an IVF child in a foreign country and then later decides to change their mind and DOES NOT show up at the time of the birth of the IVF child, what is their responsibility and accountability for the IVF child? Is that endangering the welfare of the child? In a commercial surrogate agreement, bulk of the amount is to be paid upon a successful birth of an IVF child, who pays the surrogate if the parent abandons the IVF pregnancy? What are the RIGHTS of ALL the participants in an IVF pregnancy including the IVF child? As an IVF parent, it is BOTH offensive and disgraceful to treat my IVF child as a bargaining chip. She is FIRST a human being and she deserves basic human decency and respect. Is asking for basic human rights and child rights for your children allowed?

6) By denying ENTRY into the US for an IVF child and effectively denying the federal and state benefits like child support, child welfare, social security, income tax deductions, special protection under child laws, and so on. The benefits that some gay couples have fought for and waited for over 40 years in the US; do we have to repeat it for IVF children/families?

7) US Immigration law requires a “biological link” between a child born outside the US and the sponsoring parent. IVF changes a lot of definitions around “biological link”. There are 8 different ways to assign parentage in an IVF procedure, do the current LAWS capture all scenarios?  A sperm sample maybe swapped and thus a DNA test for a “biological link” may fail OR a mother may use an egg and a sperm donor but use her own womb but would have “no biological link” as per prevailing laws. The possibilities go on. The question is what is the best interest of the IVF child? The current language in the law uses words like “child born out of wedlock” for IVF births which is both offensive to the parent and the child. Is it time to get some sensitivity into the legal language? Can we just have it as “child born”? Or are we proposing to call IVF children “bastards” legally and get away with it? As an IVF parent, my IVF child deserves better and the situation created certainly is appalling and denigrates basic human decency of an innocent, voiceless child. If an IVF child is considered born “out of wedlock” as per federal Immigration laws, then was the child born “of the marriage” as per state laws?

8) There are situations which render innocent, voiceless IVF children STATELESS. Is that a crime against humanity? How does a STATELESS IVF child get RELIEF as a victim? When parents are fleeing conflict zones like Syria with their 1 year old daughter who has NO passport, they do NOT apply for a passport for the child to the Syrian government. They just take what they can and flee the country to save their lives and their children’s lives and become STATELESS. Whenever they land in an adjacent country as a refugee, they ask for RELIEF as a VICTIM and get proper identity for themselves and the children from the host country to MOVE ON in life. They DO NOT ask for JUSTICE by suing the Syrian government. Help US MOVE FORWARD.

If the world is about moving on and the future, why should innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister be DENIED the right to grow up together, hug and kiss together, and so many other great childhood memories. There was EVERY intent to provide a sibling to the older IVF son and after 3 years and several failed IVF attempts, why deliberately ROB rights of innocent, voiceless IVF children?

The most important lesson learnt from being a caregiver of intersex is that parents should NOT teach children to LIE, it has disastrous results as an ADULT. Even if the doctors, medical professionals, trusted advisors, governments, etc teach you to LIE, make every resistance. Secrecy and stigma are the BIGGEST culprits. As a parent, I do NOT want to repeat a life of secrecy and lies for my IVF children and all others like us. We deserve BETTER, if not EQUAL.

It is time to start working FOR IVF children and families and NOT work AT them. We are NOT an after-thought of LGBTI. We are as much victims of secrecy and stigma as the LGBTI people.

Costs of Living Ahead of Time

We are dealing with the 4 I’s – Intersex, IVF (infertility), Immigration and Invisibility. We dealt with it Supreme court gay marriageusing secrecy and lies and that’s a failed approach because the biggest victims are innocent, voiceless children – brother and sister. Instead, asking for equal intersex rights, equal rights for IVF children and families, equal caregiver rights would be the right approach. These may take years, decades or lifetimes. In the interim, how does one deal with the lack of laws issue? Do we let truth prevail and let current laws prevail or secrecy and lies including breaking the laws?

What are the costs of living ahead of our times?

1) Its a FACT that LGBTI immigrants could not sponsor their spouses/partners for US immigration until 2013. So what if an LGBTI immigration was granted before 2013 using suppression of facts, is that legal?

2) Its a FACT that “intersex” is a legally recognized third gender identity in Australia in 2013. Will other “western countries follow and play catch up”? What if these human rights were accorded to an intersex person before 2013 by an individual where the government itself fell short? Does the individual have any human rights of their own as a human being? What about the effects of these lack of laws both on the intersex person and the spouse who dared to do the “right thing” before laws allowed?

3) Its a FACT that illegal immigrants in the US, especially innocent children, may be provided a PATH to legitimize and stay UNITED with their families as per the proposed US Immigration Bill in 2013. Is the same true for IVF children who were DENIED immigration by abandoning US parents? Or we still have years and decades to go?

4) Should lack of US Immigration laws be the reason to separate innocent, voiceless IVF siblings and DISALLOW them an opportunity to grow up together?

5) Its a FACT that there is MORE than one way to assign parentage for an IVF child. Have all the possible scenarios been considered in the best interest of the IVF child and ALL the participants?

6) Its a FACT that people may circumvent LAWS for their own personal gain. For example, placing an “order” for an IVF child and then changing their mind and NOT show up to take responsibility or accountability for the IVF child at birth. Does the IVF child have ANY rights? Is the IVF child a human being with human rights? Are the needs of an IVF child LESS than that of a natural born child? If its a crime to abandon a child and endanger their welfare, why is it NOT a crime to do the same thing to an IVF child? If the IVF child is born through a commercial surrogate, then who PAYS the surrogate for a successful birth of an IVF child? Does the surrogate have ANY rights to be treated EQUALLY as a human being or is she ALSO left abandoned WITHOUT agreed upon payment for her compassion and generous help?

7) There are 65.7 million family caregivers in the US. About 33% are male caregivers Vs. 67% female caregivers. The ratio is narrowing and the stereotypes are changing. There are more men today who are the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDERS at home. Do the LAWS reflect that or are laws based on stereotypes? Women may ALWAYS outnumber men in terms of number of caregivers but should there be laws to protect caregivers Vs. laws to protect caregivers based on GENDER?

8) Since gay marriage is being legalized, what will gay divorce look like? Will there be child support payments from one male to another? Will there be laws against domestic violence and abuse protecting men?

9) Since intersex marriage is NOT yet legal, what will intersex divorce look like in the future? Does “same-sex” marriage cover “intersex” marriage? If it does, then why the legal existence of a third gender? Will it mean biological siblings be FORCED to be separated? What CRIMES did the innocent siblings commit?

10) It takes a lot of strength and courage to survive and be alive to tell the facts. The strength and courage comes from the innocence of the children, if we dont speak up for them, then who will?

In a world based on shock and awe where secrecy, lies, fraud are utilized, the world is HARSH and CRUEL. As TRUTH starts to prevail, the world becomes compassionate and free. Just like several gay spouses who waited years, decades to marry legally and be able to sponsor their spouse for immigration legally – they are living with truth and freedom. Thats what is needed for innocent IVF children and families – truth and freedom.

The costs of living ahead of our times is giving up truth and freedom. A life lived in secrecy and lies does no good to anyone and may even victimize innocents. Living with truth elevates your dreams and in the process dreams of others too. Ask Edie Windsor.

Coming Out – Strength and Courage

Recently, in the Ms. USA pageant for 2013, Ms. Michigan participated as a MRKH woman. She is a source of MRKH IVF Childreninspiration not because she is MRKH but because of her strength and courage to accept the truth and be honest. She became an inspiration overnight to ALL who need strength and courage in their lives to speak the truth including us.

MRKH and IVF

MRKH is a condition where women are infertile but can have children through help of medical technology like IVF. There is a connection between MRKH and IVF. People with MRKH may opt for IVF to have children. And should IVF children and families and have EQUAL rights? Secrecy and stigma have traditionally been used to deal with both conditions and times are changing. We are in a transition period. So let us get rid of secrecy and stigma with truth. A lot of strength and courage will be required as we move through this transition period. Not everyone may be as accepting or as willing to make a change. But we must persevere because there are a lot of other people living in SILENCE and SECRECY. Our strength and courage to say the TRUTH will help all of us and serve as inspiration to others.

For now, Ms. Schultz as Ms Michigan 2013 has shown the way with a light so powerful that it reached halfway across the world. We wish her all the best and continue to inspire others.

As an IVF parent of a STATELESS IVF child, she has provided inspiration for both me and my IVF daughter. Ms. Schultz is the kind of role model I want for my daughter. My daughter does not have MRKH as far as we know but she will need the same strength and courage to speak and stand up for the truth. For me as a parent unless I gather the strength and courage to speak the TRUTH, how will I get a “LEGAL STATUS” for my IVF daughter?  And how will we get her the legal rights she deserves as a human being?

Regardless of the situation, rendering innocent children STATELESS is a gross violation of human rights and courage-truthother laws. The current lack of laws for IVF children and families creates this STATELESS situations. Being “STATELESS” is an issue of legal paperwork between countries, meaning the situation is “CREATED BY HUMANS”. While other medical conditions are natural meaning they are outside a HUMAN’s CONTROL. Then why can’t HUMANS figure out a way to give “LEGAL STATUS” to STATELESS IVF children?

We have been so victimized due to secrecy and lies that we are NOT even asking for EQUAL rights but just some rights as a human being. Is that allowed? We are finding courage and strength to speak the truth.