Tag Archives: trauma

Be The Change You Wish To See In This World

Let us celebrate Mahatma and his teachings on this Gandhi Jayanti day. Like another great leader and a follower of Gandhiji, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, we have a dream that one day there will be equal rights for IVF children and families.gandhi-king-respect

IVF siblings are in legal limbo because we lied about intersex, IVF, and immigration. IVF siblings are in legal limbo because we tried to give rights to intersex and related issues in secrecy where government itself falls short. Intersex have been dealt with secrecy and lies in a failed approach and now repeat a similar strategy of secrecy and lies on IVF children and families and expect different results? How will it help the greater good?

When life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade. When life throws a curve ball, you can hit it out of the park or go out trying hard.  When someone makes you break laws, you can speak up for a better future especially for innocent children. Dealing with secrecy and lies helps no one. Education and awareness and empowering people with truth is far better. Dealing with issues like intersex, infertility (IVF), immigration in 2000s is a challenge for anyone let alone dealing with any one of these issues individually – to deal with all of them together and remaining invisible is creating innocent, unsuspecting victims. These are not separate issues, because in an intersex marriage, they also have to deal with infertility, and because they went for affordable IVF outside the US unlike mega-rich folks in the US, they also have to deal with immigration. The starting point is secrecy and lies with intersex and certainly the end will NOT be continued lies and breaking laws. Its a new dawn and we want equal rights for IVF children and families and intersex families. So, lets march ahead! Will you join us?

In 2013, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP to unnecessary intersex surgeries. Yet we were made to go through it in 2002 during a marriage with no proper protocol, is it torture? What if we had been allowed to be open about it like a breast or testicular cancer, could we have got better help? Could the education and awareness have helped a greater good sooner?

The claim is that there is a risk of testicular cancer in intersex patients if they do not remove the testes. What is the risk profile? In IVF children due to the fertility treatments, hormones, the induced egg harvesting, the frozen samples, a study claims IVF children are a third more likely to have cancer, they are at 65% risk of having leukemia. If an IVF child needs a bone marrow to live and is forcibly separated from his biological family using fraud documents, who will save his life? What is in the best interest of the IVF child?

In 2013, a first of its kind legal case was filed in the US for unnecessary intersex surgery. The current protocol of misinformation, secrecy, lies, fraud medical records in dealing with intersex surgery during marriage in 2002 is a disservice to both and should be stopped immediately in its current form.

In 2013, people are still struggling to have insurance companies pay for these unnecessary intersex surgeries because they are being honest about it. What if they instead lie and lie on medical records and fraud the insurance company into paying for the surgery? How has lying helped the greater good?

In 2013, Germany will become the first country in the “western nations” to legally recognize intersex as the “third gender”. Earlier in 2011, Australia and New Zealand also allowed a legal recognition of “third gender” while several Asian countries have legally recognized the “third gender” for some time now. By having “legal recognition”, one can get legal rights and more importantly have issues addressed like intersex rights, infertility rights and immigration rights.

In 2013, US started allowing “same-sex” couples to legally sponsor their partner’s immigration and thus not breaking families or forcing them to live in exile or secrecy. What if someone lied and got their US Immigration before 2013 by hiding their “same-sex” condition – they got a personal benefit but how did it help others like them? Empower with truth like Edie Windsor or lie for individual benefit?

In 2013, US Citizens and residents still cannot bring an IVF child born outside the US with “no biological link”. Some people may have lied, created fraud records and got an IVF child illegally into the US by breaking the laws, they got an individual benefit, how did it help other infertile people or other immigrants or other intersex people? How did it help the IVF child by being in legal limbo? What does the UN Special Rapporteur on Human Rights and/or Child Rights have to say on this?

In 2013, surrogate and intended mothers are fighting to get rights for maternity leave when the IVF child is born. What if someone lied and frauded the FMLA system in 2004 for an IVF child but did not disclose it? By lying, they got an individual benefit but how did it help the greater good and other intended and surrogate mothers? Does this mean that gay fathers or single fathers or fathers who are primary care providers for IVF children do not deserve leave when child is born? Or are we just ignoring them and pretend they do not exist?

There are people who are looking for insurance coverage today to help with their infertility which requires saying the truth. Since we lied about IVF and infertility, we could not avail of this and more importantly we could not join the voice of others asking for fertility rights. Ironically, it is the lack of fertility rights which is the cause for splitting the IVF siblings.  By staying silent we cannot help a greater good and it is important to speak up for oneself and others.

In 2013, what happens to IVF children who are born either due to an accident in the IVF clinic or a commissioning parent abandoned the IVF pregnancy and placing them in legal limbo and causing them to be stateless. What are the rights of such IVF children? Maybe we are asking too many questions too soon and should wait a few more years until we get a critical mass of “stateless IVF children” and left-behind parents. Punishing innocent, voiceless children that we “create” is not why we brought them into this world, right?

We are sympathetic to an intersex, infertile, immigrant – let our actions speak louder than words who were sent as canaries in the coal mine. But we also have issues due to lack of laws around intersex, infertility, and immigration and have a right to be heard – especially for innocent, voiceless IVF children. Our IVF children are SPLIT due to lack of laws, we cannot continue to bear and endure the torture and trauma in silence. We cannot see other IVF children, other infertile people, other immigrants just continue to be victimized and suffer just for speaking the truth. What we need is a legal framework and allow us to live in harmony with equal rights. Keep marching ahead.

In this generation, people who thought and looked ahead are punished and worse innocent IVF children are punished including abuse, silence, defamation, breaking the laws at any cost to steal a child away from his loving, caring biological family and the primary care provider. Let us hope in the future that people who look and think ahead if not rewarded are at least not punished and at the very least, their children are not punished for crimes they did not commit.

Because What’s Right is Right and What’s Wrong is Wrong

Should we lie to our children or should we teach them to lie or are children smart and learn from our lying? Therise-fall conventional wisdom is one should not lie to children, say the truth but in an age appropriate manner and most certainly without breaking any laws. However, do all parents adhere to this? By lying to children we are creating a whole new generation of WRONG.

1) Trauma or No Trauma?

An intersex person is born this way naturally but yet the secrecy and lying make it some “unnormal” condition. One intersex person may claim their situation is very traumatic, another may take offense to the word, “trauma” and would rather see it as just is. What about someone who has to DEAL with all the issues of intersex in secrecy and lying while breaking the laws? If its NOT TRAUMATIC, then what would be the need to create false and fraudulent medical records?

Some people may try to play a spin on it and claim, well that’s just the way we have dealt with the condition for decades – with secrecy, lying and fraud medical records. Right, and ask the intersex person who was the victim how they feel about it? Just because we have been committing crimes as an institution for decades, it still remains a CRIME. Even if the “institution” claims it is not a crime, how does robbing from a child using lies make it “right”? In a first of its kind case, a court in the US recently admitted a case that claims the intersex surgery on innocent children is unconstitutional. Lying to children, lying to parents, is WRONG. Times are changing…is it WRONG to lie to spouses of intersex also?

2) Lessons learnt – TRUTH or LIES?

The lesson learnt is CLEAR. Lying to children in WRONG. Parents of intersex children who were either lied to or were forced to lie to their intersex children is also WRONG. Empowering with TRUTH is the right answer. The right answer is to get equal rights for intersex and discuss the issues that face intersex families and get laws. As canaries in the coal mine who miraculously survived, lying to children does not help the child. When the child grows up into an adult, they may NOT like their parents who lied to them. Worse, they may also LIE and hurt others. It’s a vicious circle.

Should we LIE to IVF children? Should an IVF parent be forced to LIE to his IVF child? The society, the doctors, the laws all want the IVF parent to LIE to his IVF son. Should these LIES be used against the innocent, voiceless IVF child to separate him from his siblings and family? And how exactly will that HELP the innocent, voiceless IVF child? The right answer is to discuss the issues of international IVF children and families and get laws. It maybe a lifelong fight but its the right fight.

3) The Right Fight for a Parent

Just like an intersex person will always have close ties to intersex issues, IVF children and families will always have close ties to IVF issues. We are BORN THIS WAY. What’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. Understanding and sympathizing with desperation of an intersex person is one thing but to REPEAT the secrecy and lies with a whole new class of children and creating new victims due to secrecy and lying is different.

An intersex parent may have been lied to or were taught to lie to their intersex child. How has that helped? Why REPEAT the same with another class of minority – IVF children and parents? How will that help? How do you get justice and relief as victims using secrecy? For a parent, it is one thing to be slapped BUT to have your innocent child SLAPPED is more than a school yard fight. Because this SLAP is about dignity and respect for basic human rights and NOT treat innocent, voiceless IVF children like “property”. Its a SLAP that NO other IVF child or parent should have to endure or experience. Having experienced intersex, IVF, immigration, lies, breaking laws, secrecy and beyond, it is time to STOP and place children FIRST.

A Canadian couple had opted for IVF in India but due to an accident at the IVF clinic in India, the sample got swapped and thus there was a DNA mismatch. As per prevailing immigration laws, the IVF child could NOT immigrate to Canada without a “biological link”. The non-biological IVF parents gave up everything in Canada and moved to India for 6 years and fought for 6 years to have the IVF child legally taken to Canada. It is NOT about the biology, it is about LOVE and TRUTH and while they had 6 horrific years they never planned or imagined, their prayers were answered because they spoke the TRUTH. In the end, what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong.

In another IVF case in India, the non-biological parent from the US never came to India on an IVF child’s birth and thus abandoning her. The IVF child is still languishing in LEGAL LIMBO and STATELESS after 4 years of innocent life. Why bother commissioning IVF if this is the horror to level on an innocent, voiceless child? Where was the non-biological US parent?

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