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IVF or Natural Born Child, Would You Like Equal Rights With That?

A child is a child, having equal rights should not matter. Its 2014 and we have some archaic and barbaric laws which are hurting IVF or natural - equal rightsinnocent children. It is HARD not to get your hairs raised both as a parent and as a human being. When will we get equal rights for IVF children and families? How stereotypes of the society and justice system are hurting and violating the rights of innocent IVF children?

“In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, we did some things that were wrong. We did a whole lot of things that were right, but we tortured some folks. We did things that were contrary to our values,” said US President Obama.

“it’s an incredibly sad story”. “I guess it illustrates some of the pitfalls involved in this particular [surrogacy] business,” said Australian PM Abbott on abandoned IVF baby in Thailand.

What should we say to abandoned IVF baby in India and knowingly splitting IVF brother and sister across the US and India? An IVF parent knows the facts but the “system/laws” have a long way to catch up…in the meantime, what should the IVF parent do to the IVF siblings? – Abandon them or fight for them or die from their own personal trauma – perhaps the real intent so that there is NO LEGAL challenger. While systems may be slow to catch up, people still commit crimes and should we right multiple wrongs or do we look the other way? Is it torture for an IVF family to be knowingly SPLIT up – is this their Abu Ghraib? is this their double whammy of MH370 and MH17? Rather than pointing fingers, we are looking for justice, we are looking for a solution to UNITE innocent IVF brother and sister because regardless of any justification, knowingly splitting up siblings is a crime today and will be in the future. Infertility is very trauma

As times move forward and more democratization of the world, more people are finding the strength to report the truth no matter how bitter nor are afraid of the persecution by powerful people. The primary driving force behind the truth is best interest of innocent children. Recently, there was a case where a Hollywood IVF parent-to-be decided to abandon an ongoing IVF pregnancy despite giving consent in the first place. In another case, a person successfully filed for divorce without declaring an ongoing IVF pregnancy resulting in successfully splitting two innocent IVF siblings and placing them in legal limbo. In another case, an Australian couple abandoned an innocent IVF child because he has Down’s Syndrome. In another case, a Canadian couple was unable to take their IVF child born in India due to a “DNA mismatch”. In a US case, a “mother” was not considered the mother of two lovely IVF children because she only carried them to term but had “no genetic link” as she used an egg donor. After four long, grueling years, the US changed its laws for “IVF mothers” like these. There are several such IVF cases but they rarely come to light in 2014 because it is taboo, stigma, secrecy. Ask the victimized IVF child if they care about all this? In each case, the truth has to be told, the unaffected public needs to be educated on the facts and lack of laws for international IVF, and finally, maybe, the government may take some action after prolonged number of years. How is that the “best interest of the child”?

  1. What are the rights of an IVF child born during a divorce?
  2. What are the rights of an IVF child who has been knowingly abandoned?
  3. What are the rights of an IVF child who had a DNA mismatch?
  4. If an IVF mother can dream of providing a sibling to an IVF child, can an IVF father have the same dream? More critically, can an IVF child of an IVF father dream to have a sibling to love, share and grow up with?
  5. When an IVF child is abandoned, what are the rights of a left-behind IVF child and parent/caretaker?
  6. If consent is REQUIRED to commence IVF/surrogacy, then what should be the responsibility and accountability when the same cnsenting adult decides to abandon an innocent IVF child they consented to before?
  7. If a genetic parent is REQUIRED to pay child support for a child they abandoned, what should be the responsibility and accountability of a non-genetic parent who gave consent for an IVF child but later abandoned?
  8. If a non-genetic parent has EQUAL rights to an IVF child they consented to, then what should be the responsibility and accountability of a non-genetic parent who gave consent for an IVF child but later abandoned?
  9. If a commercial surrogate delivers an IVF child as per consent, does she deserve to get paid by the consenting IVF parents when she delivers? What are the surrogate’s rights (a woman also) or do only rights of the infertile matter?
  10. Why do we have these disparate laws for IVF children and families? Instead of trying to shove facts under the carpet, intimidating and threatening IVF parents who care deeply for their child, falsely persecuting and oppressing innocent IVF parents and therefore his IVF children, isn’t it better to have equal rights for IVF children and families? Let’s solve the bigger problem instead of dancing around secrecy and lies.

The world is perhaps a few decades away before having equal rights for IVF children and families including donors, surrogates, intended parents but in the meantime let us not continue the victimization and abuse of innocent IVF children by denying them justice. In the bigger historical context, the laws requested will become a reality then why punish innocent IVF children today?

If the same children were not born via IVF but were born naturally, would they have to deal with these lack of laws? Are innocent IVF children and families specifically being targeted if not deliberately, at least inadvertently by not taking any action to have equal rights?

The Father’s Day I Was Forced to Miss

Every IVF journey is unique in its own way. Regardless of the fertility issues, the wanting to have a child is common to being a human not whether youfathers-day-ivf are fertile or infertile or married or unmarried or male or female. That’s why our society allows heterosexuals, singles, married, gays, lesbians and whatever other segmentation to be loving parents. Good parenting is based on being a good human being and not your gender or your sexual orientation or you immigration status. For any IVF parent – whether they are successful or not with an IVF child, wanting to have a child is innate and tugs at every emotion that a human is known to have. Then why can’t an IVF father celebrate Father’s Day on becoming a happy father? The Father’s Day I NEVER had.

It was ten years ago, my first child was born through IVF, a lovely son. He was born a few days ahead of Father’s day that year BUT I could not celebrate and jump with joy for my child because the SECRET might be out that my spouse is infertile. I was forced to miss my First Father’s Day. Today, the lies have caught up because my innocent IVF children are paying the price for it and it is time to speak up for their sake. Due to my spouse’s infertility and respecting that, I am the biological father and with help of compassionate egg donor and surrogate, we were blessed with a lovely IVF son. But the IVF was a secret and we could not tell anyone because the infertile spouse did not want to reveal to anyone about the infertility. To the select few, we could talk about surrogacy but under NO circumstances we could reveal that there was NO BIOLOGICAL LINK between the infertile spouse and the IVF child because god forbid, what if people find out the truth? Of course, due to the LIES, not only the innocent child got placed in LEGAL LIMBO but ended up disrespecting the compassion of the egg donor and surrogate for not giving them due credit. As the saying goes, when you live with a criminal who breaks laws, you pick up bad habits. Having a child through IVF is not a bad habit, LYING and continuing to LIE is the bad habit. Infertility is NOT bad, it is natural. How one deals with infertility is what is bad like secrecy and lies for personal advantage.

  • Can an IVF father be allowed to celebrate his child’s birth?
  • Can an IVF father be allowed to share his emotions from a traumatic IVF journey?
  • Can an IVF father be allowed to enjoy the company of all his IVF children as he wanted?
  • Should the innocent children of an IVF father be discriminated because of the gender of their father?
  • Is infertility so traumatic that the ONLY way to solve it is by SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings?
  • Is infertility so traumatic that the ONLY way to solve it is by alienating an IVF father from his lovely son and vice versa?
  • As a fertile IVF father, I have STARED infertility in its face. I know infertility. I have tried to defeat infertility. I know the trauma. I know the emotions. I know the lack of laws. I know that it is the LOVE and CHARACTER of a parent that counts and NOT the gender or genetic link of a parent with a child like the laws demand.
  • IVF is meant to help with infertility. Regardless of the trauma of infertility, what is happening to innocent IVF children who are siblings is far MORE traumatic. I am their IVF father and I intend to protect my IVF children and get them their rights. This fight is NO different than slavery, women suffrage, Brown Vs. Board of education, civil rights, gay rights, transgender rights, and now IVF rights. Personally I believe that over the history, every social struggle has needed a catalyst like Rosa Parks. Who is the Rosa Parks for IVF? Who is the Harvey Milk for IVF? Who is the Laverne Cox for IVF?

A shout out to all fathers – IVF, white, black, brown, blue, maroon, single, married, divorced, straight, gay, intersex, otherwise – Have a Happy Father’s Day and may you NEVER be forced to MISS a father’s day.

As another year goes by and with tears in my eyes as I get cake and card for my alienated son on father’s day and his birthday (they happen to be very close, if you recall), I wonder why should a brother be SPLIT from his sister, why should a son be separated from his IVF parent and what did all the lies achieve? Divorces are not new, they happen. But should the “best interest of the child” be maintained in any divorce? Should innocent IVF children be placed in legal limbo due to divorce? Should innocent IVF siblings be SPLIT? Should innocent IVF children be abandoned with no recourse for justice? If you consent to IVF, you are responsible for welfare of the IVF child – simple. Not the donor, not the surrogate, not the IVF clinic, not the orphanage where the innocent IVF child may end up, but the consenting IVF parent has to be held accountable and responsible. Its a new century and the crimes are new, have the laws caught up yet for IVF children and families?

 

Abandon Ship by Captain, Abandon IVF child by Intended Parent

For centuries there has been an unwritten rule that captains of a ship get rescued last when a ship is in distress. Capt. E. J. Smith of Titanic dutifully didabandon-ship-ivf this. But are there any laws to enforce this? What if a captain of a ship is selfish and decides to abandon ship in a time of distress before all the passengers have been safely rescued? Can you enforce that by laws? Is abandoning ship by a captain before rescuing the passengers “akin to murder” as South Korean president claimed? What about abandoning an IVF child in a foreign country that an adult consented to?

Much like what a captain is to a ship, a woman is to a family. Even IVF laws are written with this in mind leaving little for male IVF parents. She is the soul of the family, the bond that ties, the glue that holds it together, the soul that forgives relentlessly and the soul that takes on more unsaid hardships for the sake of the family. We all know who it is, we all have one in the family, we call her “mother”. Lately in a surprising way, captains of ships in distress have known to abandon ship rather than rescue its passengers. The unwritten rule has been broken, now what? What if the mother decides to abandon an IVF child, what do we do? There is an unwritten rule that IVF parents are engaged in IVF/surrogacy because they want a child and they would NEVER abandon an IVF child, but what IF someone does exactly that – abandon an IVF child, now what? The unwritten rule has been broken, what about the survivors who made it?

When the unthinkable happens, one has to move forward. Like when an IVF father has to live in exile because his IVF child is not welcome to the US. Like when the captain abandons ship then the vice-captain or someone lower in the chain of command takes over and do what they do best and possibly giving up their life while trying to save others. For an IVF child who has been abandoned, the first thing is who pays the surrogate who agreed to do this for a fee or does she not deserve any payment since the intended parent abandoned? Who raises the IVF child and what are their rights? Or does the child go to an orphanage and be lied to all their life and never revealed they were born through IVF only to be abandoned? Do we just shove the issues under the carpet? As in gambling, it comes down to skin in the process. Maybe if you have your womb, or your egg or sperm then maybe you are more obligated to NOT abandon the innocent IVF child. There may even be laws to track you down since you would be the “biological parent”. But if you have no ties to the child, then you can abandon the innocent child with no legal consequences. Does that seem right from the perspective of the abandoned IVF child who is in legal limbo? We as human beings are better than that or are we? Or are we all like the captain of the Italian Ship and the captain of the South Korean ship where we abandon ship and no legal consequences will occur. There are “non-biological” IVF parents who have made big sacrifices showing that it’s not the biology that counts but it’s the intent of an intended IVF parent much like a captain abandoning ship.

A parent-child relationship is based on the connect of the hearts based on truth and not what the laws say. US laws require a genetic link between a US parent and a child born outside the US, is that how we define parentage? Just like the innocent deaths of so many passengers who could have been rescued, the innocence of childhood has been killed from IVF siblings forever. For a captain of the family, the same person can be a spouse, a lover, a parent to their child AND a abuser or abandoner of their child. Which name do you refer with? A captain on a ship is still a captain but if he abandons ship, what name do you refer with? – The South Koreans refer to the abandoning captain by “Evil of Sewol”. The South Korean president likened the abandoning captain to “murder”.

I miss my son terribly, I miss my son missing out on growing up with his sibling terribly. I do have the last words he told me and the pictures of us together and they mean “I love you, Papa”. Let us see if that’s where we pick up from when we are together again or has he been brainwashed and alienated? What he thinks about me is largely up to the person raising him whether to choose to say the truth or lie in their best interest – certainly not the “child’s best interest” which is considered the gold standard by courts which I fail to grasp in an international, immigrant, IVF, intersex family case – whose best interest is kept?

What is the State of the Union for IVF children and families?

It’s 2014, is it too early to ask for Equal Treatment Under Law for IVF children and families? What is the State of the Union for IVF children and IVF-state-of-the-unionfamilies? If you do the deeds (IVF), you will know the needs (lack of laws).

By not having these laws, the state of the union for IVF children and families are:

1) If there is a DNA mismatch where the sperm sample accidentally got swapped in the clinic, should there be a legal framework where the intended parent can still take the IVF child like a loving parent and have the opportunity to raise them?

2) If a “genetic link” is required between a US parent and a child born outside the US, how will an infertile or dysfertile person who is middle-class ever get a child legally in the US? Is this how US society defines a “parent” or are the Immigration laws not in sync? Can someone misuse this discrepancy and hurt innocent IVF children?

3) If a person gives consent to IVF child and then later changes their mind, thats their right but should there also be laws to hold the adult accountable and responsible for bringing the innocent IVF child into the world and then abandoning them?

4) If a gay or lesbian couple decide to do surrogacy/IVF and only one of the parents has a”genetic link” and during the ongoing iVF pregnancy, what if the the “genetic parent” decides they don’t want the child and files divorce? If the “non-genetic parent” still wants a child, can they legally get the child to the US? What are the rights of the innocent, voiceless IVF child who is now abandoned? What are the rights of an IVF child who is born during a divorce? Do they have same rights as natural born children of an ongoing divorce?

Are these choices representative of a civilized society which also includes a minority population of infertile or dysfertile parents to be? This discrimination needs to stop and the “legal disability” created for IVF families needs to be removed by simply providing laws which have caught up with technology. The lack of laws for IVF children and families is like placing a staircase in front of a wheelchair bound person.

What happens from a “legal perspective” when there is a DNA mismatch?

Given the local laws like in India, an IVF child born to “foreign parents” in India is not considered an Indian citizen despite being born to an Indian citizen surrogate in India. Depending on the “accidental swap”, the “genetic parent” is most likely also another foreigner meaning this law is still applicable. This means an IVF child is land-locked in India but is NOT an Indian citizen. What are the rights of the innocent IVF child? Are they stuck in IVF purgatory?

Instead of playing blame games, it is better to embrace science, truth and facts. Some of the brightest scientific minds like Einstein and Madam Curie made some of the most popular scientific and technological discoveries and innovations by “accident”. Thats how science works and wherever “human hand” is involved. Humans make mistakes, get over it but to punish innocent IVF children for that is inhumane. Let us UNITE in the best interest of all IVF children and families. The right answer is to have adequate laws to address these issues so that adults are held responsible and accountable without endangering the welfare of innocent children. Thats the humane thing to do. Even after all the finger pointing and blame games have subsided – whether years, decades or whatever – the solution will remain the same – its inevitable.

Most people may have front-row seats or sideline seats to the “IVF story”, become a part of it and then one will realize how painful a tragedy it is to be faced with the option of ABANDONING an IVF child after all the years of struggle, anxiety, stress, sleepless nights, and so on. Drain on financial and legal resources is one thing but the inhumanity against your child as a parent is going to rattle any parent – IVF or not. The right answer for the “front-row” and “sideline” is to offer their support to the minority because thats how democracy works through support of majority on issues which do not affect them directly but are humane to other minorities.

It is upto each one of us whether we are Sandy Hatte or Ann Pettway or Edie Windsor? Dealing with the remnants of my innocent, voiceless IVF children who are split and in legal limbo is an issue that can be solved with education and awareness and not secrecy and lies.

The Fertility Wars

To the ones who pontificate on infertility or dysfertility, if you have done the deeds then you will know the needs of an infertile or honesty-lies-ivfdysfertile family.

Wars have always been fought amongst humans. There is a fertility war going on right now where lack of laws leads people to do things which is hurting innocent children. What is better – to give a life or diminish a life? By placing innocent children in legal limbo it is attacking their basic human dignity and respect. It is a crime against humanity from the innocent child’s perspective because people with no legal identity have no legal rights – they are legally invisible yet have to survive physically in this same world.

Just like any other war, there are wounds, scars, destruction of lives, innocent children who are voiceless victims, the fertility wars of immigrant, IVF, intersex family in 2000s. Is it time for a change?

There are lot of ways to solve infertility but to create an IVF child and then to abandon the child is NOT a solution to fertility issues. The innocent child deserves equal respect as a human being. The compassionate surrogate who agreed to help and carry the child deserves equal respect as a human being and not to be left stranded with a child she agreed to carry for someone else.

It is one thing to have an IVF child as an infertile person but what is it to use anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-intersex laws to use against an IVF family and children who are IVF siblings?

During the baby scoop era in the US, children were taken away from their “biological mothers” because their only fault was to be born to a “single mother” which was socially unacceptable at the time. Is the same philosophy and stereotypes being repeated with IVF parents, families are being discriminated based on biology and gender of a parent to a child? Or do we have the strength and courage as a society to face the facts if not for the adults sake then at least for the sake of innocent, voiceless IVF children?

Are only women allowed to grieve and have sympathy for infertility? Or is wanting to have a child a “human” trait and a man may also want a child just as dearly? Stereotypes are just that stereotypes but they ruin lives in so many ways because laws reflect stereotypes.

What if an interracial couple in the US had a child together pre-1967, does that mean the child deserves no legal identity? Or does that mean the child deserves the love of only one parent? What if gay parents had a child pre-2013, does that mean the child deserves no legal identity? Or does that mean the child deserves the love of only one parent?

What if a gay couple have a child together in 2014 born outside the US and there is a DNA mismatch, does that mean the child deserves to be abandoned? Or does that mean the gay parents should have to give up their life in the US and live in exile with their child outside the US?

What if an infertile person wants to have a child but is born outside the US in 2014, how can they legally bring the child to the US with no genetic link?

In an infertile marriage, is it only the infertile spouse who is suffering the trauma of being childless or does it affect both spouses? Surely the fertile spouse could just leave but then given the prevailing laws, how would the left-behind infertile spouse legally have a child?

If an IVF child was born using the father’s sperm, anonymous egg donor and surrogate, and the father was the primary care provider for the child during the tender years due to ongoing medical treatment of the spouse, who is the stereotypical traditional “mother”. Between gay parents, who is the “mother”? Or do we talk about “primary care provider” to convey the same message?

Is infertility so shameful and secretive that the fertile spouse has to be forced into silence from the joy and celebration of his first born child because no one can know about the infertility in the marriage? We have to pretend that the child born is the “biological child” of both parents? If infertility is so shameful and secretive, what is it doing to the fertile spouse and their emotions? Are they humans also? Is it a crime to be born fertile?

If it is the love and character of a parent which counts and not the biology or gender than why lie or suppress facts to the courts and legal authorities? Is it because laws have not caught up yet? And is it wrong to use the inadequacy in the laws to split a primary care provider and a child?

Is the only way to have a child is to abandon another child?

Infertility is very traumatic – both for the infertile person AND the fertile spouse when infertility is dealt jointly in a marriage. The lack of laws are remnants of decades, centuries if not millenias of stereotypes. Certainly not something which can change overnight but in the meantime innocent children are being hurt. Gays will continue to have children even if laws have not caught up. Intersex families will continue to have children even if laws have not caught up. As a society, how do we address the needs of such children who may be placed in legal limbo? Is their welfare being endangered without a valid legal identity? Are the innocent children being made “legally invisible”? Is shoving them under the carpet and pretending they do not exist valuing their “human life”? As a parent, no one wants their child to be called ugly. But as an IVF parent, thats what is happening to my IVF children due to lack of laws. How dare as a fertile person I thought of having an IVF child as an immigrant, intersex spouse? Now my IVF children must be condemned and punished for this horrific crimes…really, thats our reality but is it the right reality? The right answer is to change the laws and not break the laws. The right answer is to save children and not abandon them.

Helping is a SIN, Being Compassionate is a Crime for your IVF Children

In 2014, it is still a crime for a father to have IVF children with help of compassionate egg donor and surrogate. It is such a heinous crime that his IVF father-sin-ivf-children-crime-compassion-helpchildren must be punished by splitting them. It is such an atrocious crime for a parent to have children that the only way to resolve it is by splitting the IVF siblings and splitting an innocent child from his primary care provider. It is such a barbaric crime that the innocent, voiceless IVF children deserve to be in IVF purgatory with denial of their rights as a human being as they are “legally invisible”. It is such an heinous crime to be compassionate and helpful towards fertility that a fertile parent must choose between two IVF children on two different continents! The Nazi lifestyle from Sophie’s Choice is a stark reminder of the barbaric choices a parent is forced to make among their children whom they love equally. Secrecy and stigma are the real culprits. In honest cultures, the genetic father gets sole custody of both IVF siblings provided there is no fraud, conspiracy, lies or breaking laws.For those who want to pontificate about how “offensive” it is to talk about someone’s infertility need to first deal with infertility in a marriage without the “I”, what is offensive is to “commodify” innocent IVF children and deny them basic human rights, dignity and respect of a human being. Regardless of who you are, as a parent, it behooves you to speak up when your child does not get the basic human dignity and respect they deserve. That is not offensive, that is stating facts. And if you do not like the truth, maybe you shouldn’t have committed such horrible crimes. The US laws require a “genetic link” between a parent and a child born outside the US, then how will infertile parents get a child legally? Is helping an infertile person a SIN? Is it so terrible that their child should be taken away from them? Is it so terrible that their child should be split from his siblings? Is it so terrible that an innocent child has to be abandoned in order to get her brother as a trophy of an infertile person? Do children have rights? Are children human beings? Or are IVF children “manufactured” people purely for the whims of people? What’s next, human cloning and skip IVF? If you are infertile, you do IVF for a child and if you need a heart or a kidney or a liver, you do human cloning, right? In plane flights, passengers with small children are given preference in seating, but no similar compassion for IVF children who are in legal limbo? When crossing the street with children, traffic stops to let the children cross but no similar treatment for IVF children in legal limbo? When children are abused within the four walls of a home, it is a crime but no similar treatment for abusing and silencing IVF children?

The issue here is stereotypes and bias being used against innocent children. The issue here is lack of laws for IVF children and families has been maliciously used against the children. The issue here is it is one thing to silence and abuse an adult but when you abuse someone’s child(ren), then the parent speaks up against the atrocities and crimes regardless of whether one is immigrant, IVF, intersex, infertile, straight, gay, lesbian, white, black, Asian, whatever. Don’t mess with Texas, don’t mess with children of a loving parent. Where is the justice for an abandoned child? Where is the justice for a brother wanting a sibling? Where is the justice for a sister wanting to meet her big brother? Where is the basic human dignity and respect that every child deserves? No more discrimination based on birth type.

As a member of an immigrant, intersex, infertile family, we had children through IVF – probably a dream come true for most intersex people. What has the government done to pass laws to make all this legal so that ALL intersex, infertile, immigrants can also ENJOY the same? Is splitting innocent IVF siblings the ONLY way to achieve this? Where is the legislative help when we need it if not in the adults best interest than at least in the best interest of the children?  Don’t try to give human rights within the confines of your private home; do it publicly. Because when laws cannot guarantee basic human rights to an immigrant, intersex, IVF family, the same lack of laws can be used against your humanity to be helpful, compassionate and understanding. The very ideals that you stand for can be turned around against you. If the US justice system believes that infertile parents deserve children then why aren’t their laws in sync in the best interest of the child? That way infertile people do not have the need to break the laws and manipulate the justice system for personal, selfish ulterior motives which places innocent children at risk and in legal limbo. That way when well-intentioned parents of IVF children born outside the US have an unforeseen “DNA mismatch”, they can still bring their child to the US and raise them lovingly rather than breaking laws or living in exile. Or should we punish the innocent, voiceless IVF children for crimes they did not commit by sticking them in an orphanage? That would be “commodifying”. It is already happening, question is when will we wake up?

In an intersex marriage, only one spouse is fertile. If they do IVF then they use an egg donor and a surrogate using the husband’s sperm. Legally, the child born out of this arrangement is termed “child born out of wedlock”. Why? There is a term in the English dictionary and it is OFFENSIVE. Why is this offensive language denigrating all IVF children still on the law books in 2014? Does this mean all intersex, infertile couples children are “child born out of wedlock”? Are there legal ramifications, stigma, secrecy on the innocent IVF child? Its a vicious circle – due to secrecy and stigma, there is not enough education and awareness and therefore it is not a political issue and therefore there is no need to change the offensive and unequal prevailing laws for IVF children and families. It is 2014 and it is time to speak up looking ahead at the 21st century. It is time to have equal rights for IVF children and families. It is time to have a dream when the love and character of a parent will count more than the biology and gender of a parent both in family courts and immigration courts so that the justice system is NOT MANIPULATED. Results count and the current result is a brother separated from a sister he wanted, a girl child who was abandoned, aging grandparents who cannot see their first grandson, a grandson who cannot see his aging grandparents, a father who was abused and silenced for showing love, compassion and help, two innocent children who are subjected to the same REPEAT strategy of silence, secrecy, lies and abuse. No More. The IVF children are humans too and deserve EQUAL human rights, not secrecy and lies. We tried the approach of secrecy and lies and it is horrendous, traumatic and heinous.

Is it a crime to be compassionate to an intersex person? Legally intersex people cannot marry. Until 2013, LGBTI immigration of spouses was not legal in the US, so what if someone lied and frauded the government before then? Some intersex people have to go through a very traumatic surgery which the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture in 2013 called for a stop. If its “torture” for the intersex person, is there any trauma or torture on the spouse and children of intersex marriage when the surgery is done during the marriage? If the spouse stayed quiet and showed compassion as a spouse caregiver, is that such a big crime that not only he suffered abuse as a silent caregiver but now it needs to be repeated on his innocent children by splitting the siblings? Was it wrong to stay silent? Was it wrong to show compassion?

It is a miracle that the spouse has survived. The reasons why an intersex person is suicidal are the exact same reasons why an abused spouse caregiver of an intersex person may die. To have the trauma, secrecy, lies, abuse being repeated on his innocent IVF children by splitting them up calls for a change, one cannot stay quiet in the best interest of the children. The case is not about IVF, it is not about intersex, it is not about compassion, it is not about being helpful, it is not about love, it is not about infertility, it is about LIES, LIES, LIES. And any parent, IVF or not, when it comes to their child will say the truth if they truly love their child. Children also grow up one day into adults. While they may be brainwashed and alienated but as a parent we want to give a better world for our children. I have a dream that by the time the IVF children grow up, there will be equal rights for IVF children and families.

IVF in 2014, Could this be You?

The gap in IVF laws is like placing a staircase in front of a wheelchair bound person. 

We are turning a page from 2013 to 2014 with our own wish list as IVF families. Most people say that changing the laws is very long and a very laboriousIVF 2014 laws change process but it is worth it for innocent children. We do not expect miracles but we do expect equality in the America we know and want. If you are planning for IVF, welcome you are part of the IVFHood but could this happen to you if you attempt affordable IVF outside the US or should you remain childless as a middle-class infertile or dysfertile American?

1) What if the sample is accidentally swapped in the IVF clinic outside the US resulting in a DNA mismatch?

2) What if you are  a US citizen woman who uses donor sperm and egg and her own womb to have IVF children outside the US? You carry the IVF children to term in your own womb for 9 months, you love and care for the IVF children like any mother but you have no “genetic link” as per the US laws.

3) What if you are an immigrant father who uses his biological sperm, egg donor and surrogate to have IVF children outside the US? You have a “genetic link” but “no US mother” since both the donor and surrogates are foreigners.

US immigration laws which are discriminatory and based on biology and gender of a parent rather than the love and character of a parent. The innocent IVF child cannot come to the US without a “genetic link”, what will you do as an IVF parent? The innocent IVF child has been rendered stateless and may face being given away to an orphanage simply because we as humans cannot agree on laws. Dehumanizing innocent children is not the answer.

  • You may not care whether the IVF child is not “genetically linked” to you as a parent but the laws and government do.
  • Will you bring the IVF child illegally to the US using smuggling routes?
  • Will you relocate to a foreign country were your IVF child is land-locked and raise them with love and care?
  • Will you abandon the IVF child in a foreign country and return to the US disappointed and depressed?
  • Such stateless/forcefully abandoned IVF children end up in orphanages, do they have human and child rights?
  • Will you join the fight to change the laws with the times and have equal rights for IVF children and families?

The gap in IVF laws is like placing a staircase in front of a wheelchair bound person. 

There are both sides of the debate. Some people (mostly who are fertile) say one should adopt rather than go for IVF. Maybe they are not aware of the stringent adoption laws just like they may not be aware of lack of IVF laws. Some people may say if you are born infertile maybe a divine power had a reason and should remain childless. But what if you are in an infertile marriage, should the other spouse who is fertile also remain childless? Is it wrong to help a fellow human being who is infertile? Some people maybe anti-IVF, to them we ask once the IVF child is born, should all children be treated equally and not be discriminated on their birth type? Should we punish innocent IVF children for crimes they did not commit?

2013 has been a great year for the LGBTI movement but there is lot more work to do. DOMA was struck down. Several states are approving laws to allow same-sex marriages. US Immigration laws allows same-sex couples to sponsor for their spousal immigration. The next logical step is to have children in a marriage. While as per CDC data, 1 in 6 couples are infertile in the US, 100% of all LGBTI couples and single parents can only have a child through adoption or IVF and only one parent may have a “genetic link” with the child as required by US Immigration laws. These instances of lack of laws for IVF children will only increase, where are the laws to protect the welfare of the innocent IVF children? Or should LGBTI families be denied children? Let us hope 2014 marks a beginning of a new era where the laws have caught up with technology and social acceptance. Let us hope “baby scoop era” is not repeated due to “social inacceptance”. Let us hope the humanitarians of the 20th century, Mahatma, MLK, Jr. and Madiba taught us a small slice in humanity for the 21st century.

Legal Disability and Discrimination of IVF

We do not expect our governments to get rid of our disabilities and help us climb stairs or help us see, but we do expect our governments to pass laws sodisability-discrimination-ivf that there are ramps to buildings and Braille on public boards and so on so people can self-help. We do not expect our governments to give a child to every human but we do expect our governments to have laws for all children (including IVF) to be treated equally. Anything less is a test of time and is discriminatory. December 3 is International Day of Persons with Disabilities.

I love you my children because you are wonderful children and you are a wonderful human being. Second because you are my children and inherently every parent loves their child. Third you symbolize something much bigger than you or me because of the gifted way you came to our world with compassion, struggles, sacrifices of several people – humanity at its best. As part of an international IVF, immigrant family in 2000s with lack of laws, we are rendered effectively with “legal disability” and discrimination. Do we continue to suffer in silence or do we state the truth and ask for help (not pity)?  In the near future (I hope but life has taught me it will be distant), gender of a parent or the biology of a parent will not be used to discriminate against innocent children. Over the years, human society has struggled with political correctness on how to deal with disability and discrimination of humans and different societies deal with it differently. What is critical is results count and effects of our actions or inactions count. Can we extend a hand to help or do we chop off the hand that tries to help? Can you help an IVF child get home? – The answer is simple, pass laws for their real-life situations and needs.

In some countries, it may be illegal to discriminate against people with disabilities but still no services are provided that can provide self-help. For example, public signage should be Braille compliant or public buildings should be ramp compliant for wheelchair access and so on. So while there may be laws to punish discrimination, are we providing “help” to seamlessly allow disabled people to grow, develop and feel empowered on their own? Most developed countries have both laws AND services to address the real life issues and concerns, where do innocent IVF children fit in to the puzzle? Neither laws exist for them nor help exist for their specific needs and issues, are they invisible? Are they also equal human beings who deserve basic human rights and decency if not equal? Do surrogates deserve protection and rights for the services they offer in terms of a gift of an IVF child? Or should they be abandoned or mistreated? If intended parents sign up for an IVF child and then file divorce during an ongoing pregnancy, why should that be an issue/problem/denial of basic human rights for the IVF child and/or the surrogate? What counts is the current state rather than how we got here. Current state is that in some cases IVF children are being discriminated due to no fault of theirs. Whether it is an accident in the IVF clinic resulting in a DNA mismatch and thus the immigration laws are triggered separating the parent and IVF child OR a birth mother who used donor eggs and sperm but not having a “biological link” as defined in the laws OR a biological father who used donor eggs and surrogate but has “no legal mother” of the IVF child OR when a divorce is filed during an ongoing IVF pregnancy. These real-life situations are placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo and violating their fundamental and basic rights as a human being. If you are “invisible” in the legal system with no legal identity, can you demand for your legal rights? Do “invisible” human beings have rights?

The special situations create a “disabled” world of legal limbo for innocent IVF children. While the laws may be inadvertent, our inactions and not passing any new laws to protect the innocent IVF children is discriminatory. The IVF child has been made “invisible” of their needs and issues and that causes their “legal disability”. As an IVF parent, I have been through several roller coasters – emotional, financial, social, physical, spiritual, and so on. I love my IVF child so much that went through the roller coasters all over again for another IVF child. And then to have them grow up separately due to no fault of theirs, rather, using my gender as an IVF parent to discriminate and separate them is worse than appalling, it is heinous. One can understand the lack of laws, but to show utter disregard and basic human decency for a human life and that too innocent children is heinous. To the world, deliberately separated IVF children may just be a statistic, for me they are everything (all IVF children). In one case, they are two beautiful IVF brother and sister – who deserve the best and who deserve basic rights if NOT equal. Equal rights for IVF children is a dream that may not be achieved in this lifetime because of the snail’s pace of progress on this sensitive subject, so help us at least by giving us basic human rights, if not equal.

To Kill A Mocking Bird – Revisited in IVF

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” – To Kill A Mockingbirdcropped-IVF-Spouse-Rights-Updated-e1372912834694.png

The year is 2013. We are still living in a world with unequal rights for IVF children and families. World has
witnessed women suffrage, civil rights, freedom from colonialism, apartheid, interracial marriages, single parenthood, baby scoop era, gay rights and we are onto the next frontier – intersex rights and rights for IVF children and families. Each issue is about fighting “social acceptance” of its time. Is 2013 a good time to start having a discussion of equal rights for intersex and IVF children and families or are we too early? Will there be others who benefit from having equal rights for IVF children and families and equal rights for intersex families?

As a left-behind parent of an abandoned IVF daughter and watching her turn 4 years, every moment has been worth it. We celebrate her existence and learn from the sacrifices why every human life deserves equal respect and dignity including her. There are no winners here but to punish innocent IVF children who are the most undeserving victims for the crimes they did not commit are the biggest losers. As adults, we must bring their rights as an individual to the forefront. I have a dream that one day it will not be the gender of a parent but the love and character of a parent which will define parenthood. More importantly, innocent siblings will not be judged or discriminated based on the gender of their parent.

For those who claim its a minority and tries to somehow justify the unequal laws, is that what you would say and teach your child?

For those who claim its one bad apple and let it go, is that what you would say and teach your child or teach them to stand up for their rights and others rights?

For those who claim just let it be, letting it be would mean accepting the dehumanization and disrespect for basic human dignity and that too our own child, will you as a parent let it be if your child was the victim?

The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.” – To Kill A Mockingbird

What we are seeking is a solution to the catch 22 situation we are in as an immigrant, IVF family in 2013. We have been deliberately placed into this situation due to lack of laws. Most other people just “give up” and go on in life or are unaffected by the lack of immigration laws for IVF children because the child and parent are both in the same country like the case of a California surrogate who is raising the IVF twins the biological parents abandoned – but they are all within the boundaries of the US. Inspiration comes from a Canadian couple who moved to India for 6 years before they were allowed to bring their IVF child to Canada – power of staying UNITED and saying the TRUTH. After waiting for 6 years, they were miraculously granted to take their IVF child to Canada on “humanitarian grounds” and an “exception” to the law was granted. So there is a chance?

Why cannot two IVF siblings be UNITED based on the same “humanitarian grounds”? Why cannot the two IVF siblings be taken out of the “catch 22” situation which has been created by clever manipulation of the US laws or rather lack thereof. If gay rights existed in the US in 2009, the two IVF children would NOT be separated.

As per a June 2011 US government report, the right answer is for the laws to catch up with IVF technology then isn’t this the perfect example why? Two innocent IVF siblings are being punished even if inadvertently for crimes they did not commit. What would be the disadvantage of having equal rights or having a discussion on immigrant IVF rights?

A lot of countries like India, Nepal have long recognized the “third gender” and so have laws that are specific to issues that affect families of third gender. In 2011, Australia and later New Zealand, started allowing “I” or “O” as an intermediate gender for intersex. In 2013, Germany will become the first western Europe country to recognize the undetermined gender for intersex. When will US offer the same? More importantly when will US change the laws to address the specific issues that affect intersex families and children of intersex families like IVF children?

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