Tag Archives: STATELESS

Machiavellian Fertility Wars – What is the Best Interest of the Child?

Fertility Wars – Not too long ago, in a world very close, fertility wars had erupted because sometimes people want a child at any and all costs. But FertilityWarsthe force is Strong in the “little girl” Medhavi born via IVF/Surrogacy left stateless in “IVF prison” from the fertility wars is growing up happily. We are thankful and with help of the STATE, she is able to be united with her brother despite the First Order, after all there is love and compassion in our civilized world where truth has a chance. But not for long. As the Force awakens, time will tell if the innocence and love of a little sister will overcome the dark side of Machiavellian fertility wars? Will this #BrownGirl, “Princess Leia” be united with her brother “Luke Skywalker” split at birth? Stay tuned. It is inevitable the siblings will meet either now or as adults, why barricade them from building a bond and memories? Let us unite them expeditiously and “begin to make things right”. Taking the “high road” has turned disastrous for innocent children and that changes everything where truth is the only way out.

Basic Human Dignity And Respect of a Child

Nowadays they say a girl can be anything, can she be a “little sister” as intended? These are the questions coming out of the fertility wars and for a parent, a child is a child and for siblings, a sibling is sibling, regardless of how laws see them. Do children born via IVF/Surrogacy count equally? These are the real innocent victims of fertility wars and as a parent both are equal and perhaps someday the rest of the world will also see them at least as human beings if NOT equal. No one is spared in fertility wars, not even an innocent child. My lovely daughter was conceived after several failed IVF attempts. Then she was NOT declared as a “child” when divorce was filed in the US. Then the other consenting side NEVER came to India at her birth to fulfill the legal obligations to “legalize” the IVF/Surrogacy child rendering her stateless and “deleting her legal existence”. No phone call, no card, no baby clothes, no nothing, as if a little human being DOES NOT EXIST. Up until then, there were regular visits and inquiries for the same child, so why the sudden “disregard and disdain” for the same innocent child, was it pre-planned? First and foremost, they are a HUMAN BEING, then a child, then a daughter, then a little sister. Regardless of whatever the justifications that an individual or anyone supporting such justifications, as a loving parent, please do NOT tell me that a child DOES NOT COUNT. She counts and the UNHCR agrees as they have the “I, Belong” campaign to eradicate childhood statelessness regardless of how the child came about. The heinousness has to be stopped not just against a daughter but any child like her because its wrong. As an IVF/Surrogacy parent, we already have enough trauma dealing with infertility emotionally, financially, legally and to have a child be “unrecognized” and “dehumanized” when born after several failed IVF attempts puts into question what does our civilized world stand for? Time will tell if “savingagirlchild” was the right decision or should it cost me my other child and a sibling and cost us our hard-earned American DREAM lost in the fertility wars? I came to the US at 17 with $500 bucks and was forced to leave everything of over 21 years to save my immigrant IVF/Surrogacy born daughter in India for wanting to help infertility in the US. I have no regrets as my daughter is far more valuable and I would have done the same for my son. The question is have I lived with American values of family first, equality, respect for all even if laws fall short? I was 37, my most formidable years as an earning professional and achieve my American DREAM and implicitly my innocent child’s AMERICAN DREAM, our dreams lost due to the fertility wars. Where is the tolerance and respect for our diversity as IVF/Surrogacy family? I like to have fun as much as the next guy but do NOT question my love as a parent without understanding the facts because only thing more powerful than lies, demonization, vilification, fear-mongering, threats, intimidation, abuse is TRUTH. When I see the world from the perspective of my lovely daughter, an abandoned child and deliberately made stateless with no help from perpetrators despite multiple requests as if she does not exist, it is hard to understand what exactly do big words in our civilized world that empower us normally like “savegirlchild”, “joyofbirthofsibling”, “womanpower” mean? Instead I see a repeat of a failed strategy of “baby scoop era” being employed to justify taking away a child from a loving, biological family AND a brother from a sister and somehow everything is “fair” in fertility wars including an innocent child abandoned and made stateless. Other words like “childhood statelessness”, “lies”, “demonization”, “vilification”, “fear-mongering”, “separation” take over and do not allow hugs and kisses or build any memories between siblings and a loving family. Fighting for her rights has taught me a lot, especially the ugly underbelly of fertility wars where somehow its ok to rob from Peter to pay Paul and hurt innocent children. It’s not OK because she is first a human being and deserves human decency and respect.

Recently in India, Ms. Asha Devi spoke out about her innocent daughter who was raped ruthlessly in 2012 and announced her real name as Jyoti Singh declaring why should they be ashamed, it’s the perpetrators who carried out this heinous crime should be held accountable and responsible for their actions. She is absolutely right, why should my innocent daughter, Medhavi, deliberately made a refugee as a stateless child be silent as an abandoned child with no help from the US parent who put her in an “IVF prison” ruthlessly and heinously. In 1915, it may have been OK to silence a rape victim for “family honor” and worse plead with the rapist to marry the victim to both “shield family honor” and the notion how can a single woman who is a rape victim survive? In 2015, no one would dare suggest this but yet somehow its OK to suggest that a parent who abandoned an IVF/Surrogacy child, knowingly made them stateless and never provided any help despite repeated requests should be allowed to “connect” with the stateless child victim? It’s NOT OK. It would be revictimizing the victim for the same reasons a rapist does not “connect” with a rape victim. And the ignorance which existed in dealing with rape victims in 1915 is the same ignorance in dealing with international IVF/Surrogacy victims. There is a right way and a wrong way and abandoning an innocent child, making them stateless and extending no help is NOT the right way. In an increasingly globalized world, we are a better civilized world than that and a child is a child equally valuable to their loving parent regardless of their nationality and birth type. The only thing more traumatic than the dehumanization of an innocent child, separating from a child and the emotional, financial, legal torture and trauma is being re-traumatized and revictimized by the same perpetrators in the “name of law”.

Bullying one’s way to Parenthood

One cannot bully their way into parenthood and where was the “parent” when an innocent #BrownGirl needed their US parent to complete her legalization as an IVF/Surrogacy child born in India with consent from a US parent? After several failed IVF attempts, why would a “parent” leave a child and more importantly what are the rights of the child when this happens? Do they count as human at least? Much like the “same-sex” marriage debate, while “laws” defined “marriage” between two people based on “gender”, rest of humanity believed “marriage” is about “love” between two people. In the meantime, some same-sex partners had to lie about their love in fear of persecution and ridicule like some folks claiming to be able to medically “reverse” being gay. The same bigotry still exists in different ways where the “laws” and “societal stereotypes” today discriminate against love of a parent and child based on “gender”, “birth type”, “nationality” while rest of the humanity believes “parent-child” is about “love”. Meanwhile in 2015 for us loving parents, IVF/Surrogacy children are just children like any other child and perhaps someday the rest of the world will also see them at least as human beings if not equal. For rest of the world, Medhavi, may be a “stateless” and left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child and perhaps does not count despite the UN Refugee agency running a campaign to end childhood statelessness. She is my lovely daughter and I love her just as much as any other child. More than that, I like to talk about my daughter not out of arrogance but she is also my savior from a repeated cycle of secrecy, lies, abuse, torture, trauma, medical negligence, lack of laws from which I could NOT get out. She is what is “good” in this world like the love and compassion of donors and surrogates, family, friends and strangers who gather “like a village” to help raise a left-behind child, she is what happens when good people surround us with their humanity. She IS the future we hope to build.

Does Loving a Child based on gender, genetic link or just love?

Emotionally and legally there is a difference between adoption and IVF/Surrogacy. In adoption which is regulated, the genetic parent for whatever circumstances without passing judgment did give up the child. In IVF/Surrogacy which is unregulated, the fertile spouse shows compassion and wants to share a child with the infertile or dysfertile spouse AND very much WANTS the CHILD. It is one thing to have laws not caught up with technology like IVF/Surrogacy as cited in the US Department of State June 2011 report, it is completely another to use the gaps in the laws against an innocent child, they are still someone’s child just like the victims of Ariel Castro were also someone’s innocent children. This is against our American values and we do not approve this message. We must work together with the same compassion that the larger IVF/Surrogacy ecosystem including donors and surrogates represent in an ethical, moral and legal way which respects rights of ALL especially the innocent children. The gaps in the laws is setting up a dangerous and heinous situation of a medico-legal disability where innocent children are used against each other in the latest tools in fertility wars. The dark clouds of Machiavellian fertility politics take over sacrificing everything, not even sparing an innocent little sister, an equal human being in her own right. For those who doubt, walk a step in the shoes of an IVF/Surrogacy parent where the laws require ALL responsibilities of a “mother” from the genetic parent but NO rights that of a “mother”, traditionally the “primary care provider” which implicitly hurts innocent children with denial of rights. With changing times, if the intent is “best interest of the child”, the system needs to update itself when a divorce is filed to ask the question to both spouses, “Are you responsible for any child or any ongoing pregnancies?” instead of “Are you pregnant?” This is NOT to say the system is ignorant but rather to say that some malicious minded people are manipulating the system and in the process hurting innocent children and denying them rights. And regardless of nationality or birth type, ALL children are equal. It is one thing to discriminate against an IVF/Surrogacy parent due to their “genetic link” to the child OR their “citizenship status” or their “gender” but it also implicitly discriminates against an innocent child AND innocent siblings who are separated at birth.

Real World Vs. Bizarre World of Lies

My child is still a child and as a left-behind parent, the US government provides milk and diapers for the child and NOT the parent. I want the milk and diapers with interest for my left-behind American child. The point is to recognize her as a human being instead of dehumanizing her and children like her. In America, we respect our differently abled and provide ramps, where is the “ramp” for IVF/Surrogacy children like mine for their medico-legal disability and for building a family differently? Abu Ghraib was a terrible tragedy by a few bad apples and it does NOT reflect rest of Americans and our values but it still did occur and right answer is to acknowledge facts, hold the few bad apples responsible and accountable and move forward. The plight of stateless children born via international IVF/Surrogacy is real provided truth is allowed. In the real world, the Canadian couple did NOT abandon the IVF/Surrogacy child and did NOT split the siblings. The US-Israeli mother did NOT abandon the children and did NOT split the siblings. Instead in both cases they fought against the system for years to get a legal identity for their innocent IVF/Surrogacy children while keeping the siblings together. It is a real problem with real consequences because in the real world countries like Thailand, Nepal, India, Mexico have banned IVF/Surrogacy for foreigners due to few bad apples. The UN has launched a campaign to eradicate childhood statelessness. Others in the real world are confronting the issue and addressing the consequences in best interest of the child. But in the US, how come fling divorce in the US creates a stateless IVF/Surrogacy child in India? Do they have rights as a human? A person can lie, suppress facts and legally “delete” an innocent child from “legal existence” denying their rights and live freely in the US while the innocent child is stateless and stuck in “IVF prison” in India and separated from sibling, how is that fair to the child? If my child and others like her are “human”, the democratic governments need to prove it with action and not simply compassionate words OR they should live the life of a stateless child to understand the dehumanization they face so they can take action as responsible democratic governments that works for ALL equally. In democracy, “numbers matter” and for any parent, the child IS their world. Ask this of any billions of parents around the world. Whether its a poor mom, a single mom, a parent of a Down’s syndrome or Autism child, an IVF/Surrogacy parent of a stateless child – we all want the same thing – respect for our innocent child. But somehow respecting a child depends on who is asking and not based on the needs of the child.

Whose stateless child survivor would you rather be – ISIS or international IVF/Surrogacy? Or neither?

Many people, especially ignorant people want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apolgize for being correct or for being years ahead of your time. If you’re right and you know it, speak your mind. Speak you rmind even if you are a minority of one.  The truth is still the truth. ” – Mahatma Gandhi

On Gandhi Jayanti day, will anyone come to the rescue of stateless children and move forward with the truth?

For most people, it would be insane to compare ISIS Stateless Child and international IVF/Surrogacy Stateless Child but that’s because they have not been viewed from the perspective of a stateless child.STATELESS No loving parent will take the dehumanization of their innocent child lying down – whether done by a stranger OR a relative because it hurts innocent children. In a civilized world, we do NOT make children stateless deliberately and if they become stateless inadvertenty as in the case of IVF/Surrogacy, we resolve it fastest like Australia did in the case of baby Gammy. As a normal human being, we all have sympathy and compassion whenever we hear of an innocent child dying while trying to escape torture, but what does it mean to be stateless? As an educated, white collar professional, what does it mean to raise a stateless child? DEHUMANIZATION of the innocent child – that’s what statelessness is regardless how one got there – physical warfare or lies that break the laws. Who answers the questions of a stateless child?

When a child is stateless, well, they are stateless regardless of how they got there….war, refugee, slavery, international IVF/Surrogacy. As a loving parent, one has to move forward and deal with the practical implications OR abandon the innocent child and run away – sadly no one will care because they are stateless meaning NO RIGHTS. A stateless child means loss of freedom, no identity, loss of basic human dignity and respect, no chance of approaching a court for justice against the perpetrator. For example, a fleeing stateless child can make an arduous trip to Europe or America in trying to escape the persecution and if they die due to the hardships, they have no rights against the person who created this situation.

The Hole Pope said, “I Am Convinced That We Can Make A Difference“. Be it the Catholic church taking decades to recognize the sexual abuse against innocent children while protecting adults OR philanthropists like Rajat Gupta and Bernie Madoff frauding people, OR corporations like Volkswagen falsifying documents and tests, in the end truth prevails no matter how long it takes. We have no doubt the truth will prevail in this case also but will the innocent children be spared and be united and allowed to grow up together in truth and freedom?

Prime Minister Modi of India at his UN speech in 2015 PM Modi of India at UN 2015, “We must reform the United Nations including its Security Council so that it carries greater credibility and legitimacy”. The future is about truth and transparency like books about IVF/Surrogacy for children to help understand the facts and NOT about lies which hurts children and breaks laws like making children “STATELESS”.

And let’s hope the powers to be can address the needs of an abandoned IVF/Surrogacy child by an American who has been DENIED “truth”, “liberty”, and “justice”.  And how does this help a child? Even if inadvertently, are we dehumanizing the child? We just want the cruelty to stop against innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and families.

I don’t have a child who is blind, deaf, without a limb or leg, with Down’s syndrome, with Cystic Fibrosis, or any other commercial condition, I have a child who was used as a tool for blackmail and denied rights as a human being and is stateless. I have children who count and are stateless, is that enough to be treated as an equal?

 

Made Stateless by ISIS, Saddam, GaddafiMade Stateless by IVF/Surrogacy - baby GammyMade Stateless by IVF/Surrogacy - baby Modi
Loss of Freedom (Prison)YesYesYes
Loss of Fundamental RightsYesYesYes
Respect as a ChildNoYesNo
Dignity as a Human BeingNoYesNo
Refugee StatusYesYesNo
Justice and relief from perpetratorNoYesNo

The Americans I Know

Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.” – US President Abraham Lincoln

Men – their rights and nothing more; Women – their rights and nothing less. Failure is impossible.” – Susan B. Anthony

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much. All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming.” – Helen Keller

The only tired I was, was tired of giving in. You must never be fearful about what you are doing when it is right.” – Rosa Parks

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.” – US President Ronald Reagan
The Americans I Know care about human beings, human rights, child rights, truth, morals, principles, rule of law. However, this is NOT the America I 

Mia-Love-the-america-i-know-is-great-ivfknow through its laws.

Does an abandoned IVF child have a right to life?

The Americans I Know would willingly die for something they love like the thousands of soldiers who have died for their country they love. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws.

The Americans I Know would stand up for what’s right, stand up for a principle even if it means going against the tide of the time and face stiff opposition. Like Abraham Lincoln or Susan Anthony or Rosa Parks or MLK, Jr. or Edie Windsor. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws.

The Americans I Know believe in doing the “right thing” and not just paying lip service. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws..

The Americans I Know believe in liberty, justice and freedom for all including innocent IVF children. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws.

The Americans I Know would cry and cringe and rally around a cry of innocent little children to be freed. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws.

The Americans I Know would do anything to protect the rights of innocent voiceless children. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws.

The Americans I Know would hate to create STATELESS children and place innocent children in legal limbo. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws.

The Americans I Know would defend the rights of innocent children regardless of their birth type. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws.

The Americans I Know would require a person be held accountable and responsible for abandoning an IVF pregnancy and look after the welfare of the abandoned IVF child. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws.

The Americans I Know would require a person be held accountable and responsible for abandoning an IVF pregnancy and look after the welfare of the surrogate as per the terms. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws.

The Americans I Know would treat all children equal – especially an IVF brother and sister born exactly the same way. However, this is NOT the America I know through its laws.

The Americans I Know are not proud of the “baby scoop era“.

The Americans I Know would not split up siblings.

The Americans I Know who may be gay or lesbian or intersex would respect the laws and wait for years if not decades until same-sex marriages became legal so they can get legally married and NOT break the law and “hush” up everything.

The Americans I Know who may be in a same-sex marriage would love to sponsor their spouse for immigration but would follow the laws and not break the laws.

The Americans I Know would be proud of showing compassion and love.

Modern Day Slavery

In a recent study, India has a dubious presence of being the country with most modern-day slaves in the world – an estimated about 14 million people.Lincoln-slavery-freedom Slavery in any form is bad. January is National Slavery and Human Trafficking Month. As an evolving human society, we have learnt our lessons but have we? While most people are not affected by infertility or dysfertility and therefore are unaware about the underbelly of dealing with being childless. The “popular mantra” is providing a child to the infertile adult while ignoring the needs of the innocent, voiceless child. Most cases are normal but what happens when IVF children are victims and due to lack of laws have no legal recourse? Should we be allowing criminals to take children away from their biological families simply because they are affluent and infertile? Or does the CHILD have EQUAL rights? What we need is freedom from the slavery of secrecy, lies and fraud and have an opportunity to live freely with a valid legal identity. Recently, India has also become a global hub in international IVF/surrogacy. The international IVF industry is flourishing without any laws. Is this vacuum of lack of laws while churning out innocent IVF babies with compassionate surrogates creating modern day slaves in some cases? If so, where is the relief for victims and where is the justice? The spirit of the article is to bring change with stating facts and truth. Let us analyze the modern day slavery report and a case of an immigrant, IVF, intersex family in 2000s married in India and had IVF children in India and are split across two continents in the US and India and are denied to meet. “The study could help governments assess and eradicate slavery, which is a ‘hidden and diverse’ crime”, Walk Free said. We hope that the governments assess and eradicate the modern day vacuum in international IVF/surrogacy which is a “hidden and diverse” crime. The fact that innocent, voiceless IVF siblings have been heinously split is what prompts the discussion. The definition and parameters used in the Global Slavery Index by the Walk Free Foundation to define modern day slavery include:

1) Practices such as debt bondage – If two adults agree to have an IVF child together and one commissioning parent abandons an IVF pregnancy mid-way, should there be any responsibility and accountability placed on that parent for the welfare of the IVF child? In a commercial surrogacy situation, since the commissioning parent has abandoned, who will pay the surrogate for the IVF child and what are the rights of the surrogate? Because of the abandonment, the IVF child may become stateless without a “legal identity”, what are the rights of the IVF child? Do they deserve basic human respect and dignity? If one of the commissioning parents – the biological parent is forced to either also abandon his IVF child due to lack of laws or give up his career, life, and family and move to India to raise the abandoned IVF daughter and thus placing an extreme financial burden on him and the IVF child. Fighting for rights is very expensive and requires financial resources. If a natural born child is abandoned, legally there is a recourse to get child support for welfare of the child. But discriminating against an IVF child is OK? Are the needs of an IVF child any less than any other child? EQUAL is all we ask.

2) Forced marriage – Being intersex is very traumatic and is what we are told especially to people who have little to no awareness on the subject. Legally, intersex people cannot marry. What is the greater good – demand for equal marriage rights or lie and force unsuspecting victims into intersex marriage? Socially whatever we may think, legally being in an intersex marriage, both spouses have to deal with the lack of laws issues because an intersex marriage is illegal. Recently, Edie Windsor in the US in its defeat of DOMA demonstrated that the right answer is to change the laws, not break the laws. Along with her, several others benefited including immigration for same-sex spouses. Some spouses have waited over 40 years to legally marry but not break the law – their love did not decrease. Some spouses have waited several years to sponsor their spouse for US Immigration based on marriage unlike frauding the US Immigration for personal benefit. Forcing any unsuspecting spouse into a marriage under threats and silence is abuse. There are also intersex people who are honest which is a good example to follow than to lie, fraud, abuse and exploit others including innocent children. If an intersex person can demand for equal intersex rights and equal reproductive rights due to infertility, can they also give equal rights to IVF children and families and spouse caregiver of intersex? Being a victim of gender role stereotyping is one thing but to victimize a child like that is another. A spouse caregiver of intersex and an IVF father was the primary care provider for his IVF child when born because the intersex spouse was under medical treatment and was under severe trauma to care for an infant. That’s a fact creating a deep bond between the innocent child and the “father/mother/primary care provider” – why rob him of that just because it does not “fit the gender role stereotype”?  He was both a mother and father under the most grievous of circumstances. Neither the compassionate egg donor or the surrogate who gave birth were around, we lied. And if the “mother” is the person who spends the most time and bonds with the child in the initial months, then that would be the IVF father because of the unique circumstances. To deny the truth would be to also deny the facts of abuse and violence perpetrated while undergoing medical treatment with severe trauma and depression. It is sad and compassion worthy but it is not worthy of denial and lying. If a child is raised by a gay couple, who is the “mother”? Should we start teaching our children to say “primary care provider” instead of “mother” and “father” to get the point across?

3) Sale or exploitation of children – There are no specific laws for IVF children. There are 8 different ways in how parentage can be assigned in an IVF child while there is only one way for a natural born child. Socially whatever we may believe that it is the love for the child and not the biology or gender of the parent, the laws are strictly based on biology and gender of  a parent. This gap creates situations sometimes where innocent IVF children are rendered stateless and/or are exploited. What is their fault? Is having a legal identity the right of an individual? Is having valid birth documents the property of an individual – something they will need from birth to even age 60 or 70? Why should an innocent, voiceless IVF child be punished for crimes they did not commit?

4) Human trafficking – As stated earlier, the laws are based on biology and gender. If you do not like the laws, change the laws but do not break them especially which hurts innocent children. Legally, an intersex person cannot marry, nor can they have a biological child, neither have the adopted a child legally, then how can they have “legal custody” of an IVF child? Was there any suppression of facts? Were any laws broken or violated? Is this a sophisticated white collar crime in human trafficking? Is denying the IVF child the truth and access to his biological family and siblings a violation of his human rights? Is denying a valid legal identity to a child a violation of laws? A US grandmother was arrested and charged for abducting a child uncovered on presenting false birth documents.

5) Forced labor – Using an anonymous egg donor and surrogate for their compassion to have an IVF child is one thing, to lie and claim as your own and denying them the gratitude and facts is ____? Claiming to love an IVF child while abandoning another IVF child – their sibling is defined as love for the child in which world? Had the conspiracy to split the IVF siblings and suppressing the facts from court while creating a unique circumstance using anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-LGBTI laws, could a person have got “legal custody” of an IVF child? Was the innocent IVF child used as “property” to be discarded with no consequences or is the IVF child a human being with protection of basic human rights and dignity?

6) Others are tricked and lured into situations they cannot escape – An unsuspecting male was tricked into a marriage only to be later revealed it is both marriage fraud and in fact is illegal because its an intersex marriage. Next came the intersex surgery during marriage which is even rarer and the resulting abuse, violence and caregiving of a person who is changing in every way possible. They say a spouse changes after marriage, this takes it to whole another level – physically, physiologically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. Next came the infertility and the resulting international IVF and its lack of laws and immigration issues. The trickery, secrecy, lies, fraud were so ingrained and brainwashed that one can simply not escape. That does not mean it did not occur. If the mistake is the crimes were not reported but that does not mean the crimes did not occur. We had become slaves to the secrecy, lies and fraud of living as intersex, immigrant and IVF in 2000s. The effects of this slavery is still continuing because innocent IVF brother and sister are divided and are stateless in legal limbo. The bigger questions to ask are :

  • How do we solve the issues of intersex? Is it by secrecy, lies and victimizing innocent, unsuspecting spouses – also humans OR by passing equal laws for which facts and truth is necessary?
  • How do we solve the issue of IVF/infertility? Medically, IVF helps infertile or dysfertile humans, have the laws caught up with technology to address the issue in “entirety”?
  • How do we solve the issue of IVF children rights? Is it enough to say that great we have delivered a child to an infertile or dysfertile human or do we also need to equally protect the IVF children and donors and surrogates and families and the “entire ” IVF ecosystem?

If it were 1800, to suggest to a person that if they don’t want to be a slave, they should change their skin color may have been appropriate for the time. But its 2000s and times have changed somewhat. If I were that person, I would keep my skin color the way it is and rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights for me and everyone like me. A story of an immigrant, IVF father in 2014 is similar, rather than “accomodating” to the discriminatory laws of today, would rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights of IVF children and families.

Parent of Intersex or IVF – The Fight for the Greater Good

If you were a parent of intersex, what would you teach your child? Say the truth or lie? October 26 is intersex awareness day and here is a real life story about a dysfunctional intersex family of 2000s falling victim to the anti-intersex, anti-gay, anti-IVF laws. Sure while millions of Greater-Goodintersex people do not have equal rights to marry legally, an intersex person can lie and fraud an unsuspecting person into a fraud marriage OR fight for EQUAL rights for all the intersex people. Sure while millions of intersex people are infertile and may want a child, one could lie and break the laws to have a child and place the innocent children in LEGAL LIMBO or fight for EQUAL rights for all intersex and infertile people to have children legally. Sure an intersex person who is a parent can claim to love a child and lie to them and ironically, an intersex person has a deep understanding of the effects of lies OR say the truth to the child and not have a cycle of secrecy, lies and fraud be repeated on innocent children.

As a left-behind parent of an abandoned IVF daughter and watching her turn 4 years, every moment has been worth it. We celebrate her existence and learn from the sacrifices why every human life deserves equal respect and dignity including her. There are no winners here but to punish innocent IVF children who are the most undeserving victims for the crimes they did not commit are the biggest losers. As adults, we must bring their rights as an individual to the forefront.

Parents are faced with all kinds of issues with their children – autism, cystic fibrosis, ADHD, self-esteem issues, IVF, donor-conceived child, and so on. Would your love as a parent become any LESS by saying the truth to the child and helping them deal with the issues caused by the fact they have autism, or CF or ADHD, or IVF? Do you empower the child with the truth or do you teach them to lie? As a parent, what would you teach your child?

1) Hi, I am intersex, probably a 1 in 2000 or 1 in 20000 births (a rarity) due to current laws I cannot legally marry nor can I have children due to infertility and nor do I have equal immigration rights. I love children and would love to be able to adopt or have a child legally. Will you please support equal rights for intersex?

OR

2) Hi, I am intersex but I will not tell you, I will continue to lie how I have been taught by the medical community and parents and marry an unsuspecting victim fraudulently. I will teach them to lie as well and we will lie to have an IVF child (not to mention the lies are breaking laws). I will split the IVF child from his  primary care provider and siblings by claiming them as a “biological child”. Oh the laws have NOT changed and so the IVF child is in LEGAL LIMBO due to the laws I broke.  Don’t care about equal rights for intersex and equal rights for IVF children and families, I got mine. Will you please have sympathy and forgive me?

As a parent, what do you want to teach your child – option 1 or option 2? Where is the humanity?

For those who claim the victim is being shallow or urging him to let go, they fail to capture the victim has taken a few leaps ahead. It is like saying rapes occur because women dress promiscuously but then how do you explain rapes of 3, 4, 5, 6 year olds? It is like saying sexual abuse inside the family occurs but we should let it go and not report it to save “family honor”, how will we raise awareness and bring change? Where is the “family honor” in abusing someone in your own family and forcing them to be silent? It is like saying an infertile person deserves a child at any and all costs, what does the child deserve? If you are going to ask a spouse caregiver of intersex and an immigrant IVF father who has lived in silence and abuse with denial of rights to have the SAME REPEATED on his IVF children, what does that make you? Knowing and understanding of facts is a must before passing any judgments. There is nothing “traditional” about this case.

The claim is that there is a risk of testicular cancer in intersex patients if they do not remove the testes and have the intersex surgery. What is the risk profile? In IVF children due to the fertility treatments, hormones, the induced egg harvesting, the frozen samples, a study claims IVF children are a third more likely to have cancer, they are at 65% risk of having leukemia. If an IVF child needs a bone marrow to live and is forcibly separated from his biological family using fraud documents, who will save his life? What is in the best interest of the IVF child?

A child simply does not need food and education, or school and sports, or career and life to grow and become a positive contributor in the society. A child ALSO needs morals, values, a strong foundation based on love and truth. Any love based on LIES is not love for the child but love for the self. When going through life as an intersex family and its related issues – trauma one after the next, there was no script to follow on what to do, it was the abyss – the unknown. Today its clear – regardless of the situation, follow the truth and stand up for your rights – like Edie Windsor and one may get rights for a greater good in their own personal fight. That is the final analysis.

Minority Report

This is a unique minority report, however we do not have the “precogs” available like in the movie, Minority Report. In a few years, looking back, the minority reportright thing will have been to unite the innocent IVF brother and sister instead of splitting them. Of course, it will be nice to also have equal rights for IVF children and families in the future so that these inhumane situations are not created. Sadly, infertility and IVF are dealt with lot of secrecy and stigma which means not too many people speak up and suffer in silence. Due to lack of laws and lengthy legal battles, they may even abandon the IVF child unwantingly. What are the rights of the IVF child – whether forcefully abandoned or not? As a human race, why are we “manufacturing” human babies without adequate laws protecting the rights of IVF children and families? Can we do better?

If two IVF siblings are born the same way from a legal perspective, then should both have them have the same legal status? Is it fair to show compassion to one and not the other?

It is a fact that laws have been broken and IVF children have been created who are in legal limbo and land-locked and our only solution as humans is inaction? Should the innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister be united?

If child trafficking is a crime against humanity, is creating IVF children and placing them in legal limbo thereby denying their rights a crime?

If human trafficking is a crime whereby their basic human rights are violated, is creating IVF children and making them stateless and land-locked a crime?

There are several Nazi guards and soldiers sheltering in the US who may have never committed any crime on US land. However, because of the crime against humanity, they are still prosecuted and deported and brought to justice. Is creating stateless IVF children deliberately a crime against humanity? Do IVF children have rights and do they deserve equal rights as humans?

Nazis created situations where a parent had to pick between innocent children on who to send to the gas chamber. Is creating situation and manipulating the anti-gay, anti-IVF laws to place an IVF parent in a situation to pick between two IVF children on two separate continents?

Minority within Minority

The other minority is intersex people and families. Is the secrecy and stigma only felt by the intersex person or also by the spouse of intersex and children? Are the effects of intersex surgery only felt by the intersex person or also the spouse and children when the intersex surgery is performed during a marriage? Is infertility and lack of laws for intersex families only felt by the intersex person or also by the spouse of intersex and children?

First, we have to get past the “shame and secrecy”. If gays are proud and open, they achieve equal rights. Why can’t intersex families also hope for the same? So are intersex male or female or “third gender”? If intersex are female then why are governments passing laws to have a legal “third gender”? If intersex are female then why are they removing male testes and lying and creating fraud documents about the surgery? If this surgery is “torture” and traumatic for the intersex patient, what are the effects on the spouse of intersex and children of intersex when the surgery is performed during a marriage? Is gay family rights same as intersex family rights?

If an intersex person has a “right to feel female”, does a spouse of intersex have an equal “right to feel” also? Does the spouse of intersex have the “right to feel” what governments and honest intersex people around the world are feeling, the need for “third gender”? This is a specialized “spouse of intersex” who has witnessed the transition of an intersex person in every way possible when they had the intersex surgery during the marriage – an event that does not occur for most intersex marriages. The spouse is as much of a victim and in severe trauma of a different kind as much as the intersex person. Only by recognizing the facts can we move to a solution. We are genuinely missing the “precogs” to offer insight into the future. The spouse and children in an intersex marriage are the minority within a minority and have equal rights too or not?

The issue is not intersex, infertility (IVF) or immigration, these are just the mechanisms used to expose the lack of laws. The issue is secrecy, lying and relentless breaking of the laws with no respect for basic human dignity and respect including innocent children. The silence is offensive and hurting innocent, voiceless IVF children.

An IVF Tale of Two IVF Siblings, Two Continents, Two Parents

Is it time to start discussing about the issues faced by IVF parents, children and families? Is it time to discuss theshaping-the-future-together shaping of future together in the best interest of innocent, voiceless children?

In 2011, after 6 years of a gut-wrenching ordeal, a Canadian couple was allowed to take their non-biological IVF child back to Canada. They gave up their life in Canada, stayed in India for 6 years fighting, waiting, and praying. International IVF laws are in its infancy and creates situations which are rare and unique and due to NO fault of the IVF child or the intended parent, the IVF children and families are SPLIT. The IVF couple fought TOGETHER to keep the IVF siblings UNITED and they WON.

In 2009, a US father on green card could NOT take his IVF daughter to the US without a “legal US mother”. He gave up his life in the US and is living in EXILE in India fighting, waiting, and praying. In his case, he also has an IVF son born similarly and he is the only known biological parent (legal requirements) who is in the US and has NEVER met his biological IVF sibling. Now the IVF father is fighting to UNITE his IVF children – 4 years and counting.

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court.

There are some similarities between these cases like laws catching up with technology like IVF OR parents giving up everything to be with their IVF children and fight for their rights OR asking for UNIFICATION of IVF children and families based on humanitarian and compassionate grounds OR family forced to be SPLIT on two continents OR intent of parents was to give birth to life and have children, NOT to abuse life. There are some STARK differences in the two stories between the IVF siblings on two continents in this still developing legal chasms of international IVF.

As an immigrant IVF father and a spouse of intersex in 2013, one IDENTIFIES more with women of history THAN men. Susan B Anthony, Rosa Parks, Mothers, Erin Brockovich, the surrogate in California, the women of baby scoop era are HEROES and INSPIRATION even though an IVF father is judged with bias against men as parents. Sadly, the bias against a male who happens to be an IVF father is passed on and punishing innocent, voiceless IVF siblings. As a parent, one has to speak up if not as a man. Men like Swami Vivekananda, Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. helped in getting this far but it is understanding the struggles of women which will take it forward from here. People abuse a spouse of intersex, abuse an IVF father because we are a minority within a minority but we are still HUMAN with existential issues like moving forward with IVF children in LEGAL LIMBO. The abuse only emboldens that we need to speak the truth with compassion to educate and spread awareness. It may take a few years, decades, or generations just like parents of gay rights or intersex rights but TRUTH will remain constant. We are NOT against intersex marriage, we are against LYING, breaking the laws and using LIES to HURT innocent, voiceless children and other unsuspecting victims. If a rape survivor does not report a rape but is forced into silence under threats, does that mean RAPE did not OCCUR? Does that mean they are not a victim?

If infertility is a medically identified disease, what is “causing harm” to the treatment (IVF child)? When organ transplants occur, the rights of both humans (typically adults) are protected; why is there NO protection for the IVF child when infertility is treated? Does an IVF child DEMAND and DESERVE the basic respect and dignity of a human being and not be treated like “property”?

1) Accidental Vs. Pre-meditated

In 2005, Canadian parents could NOT bring one of their IVF children back to Canada immediately because as per Canadian immigration laws, a “biological link” is required for a Canadian citizen parent to have their IVF child born outside Canada to legally immigrate to Canada. It seems there was a medical accident and the sperm samples got swapped at the clinic resulting in a failed DNA test between the parents and the IVF child. Is this a FAULT or accidents of science and technology? Most scientific innovations in history of the world have come from “accidents” – its how we learn, ask Madam Curie. Even though there is NO law for the facts that occurred, the Canadian government relented in the end and after 6 years allowed the family to live together in Canada. The non-biological IVF parents gave up 6 years of their lives showing that it is NOT the biology but the LOVE of a parent. The “biology” needs to be discussed because of the LAWS.

Moral of the story : Stay together, say the TRUTH, follow your heart and be UNITED.

In the US case, the immigration laws are similar to Canada but the US case is slightly more complicated. The IVF father was an immigrant to the US and NOT a citizen at the time of the birth of the IVF children in India. So different set of immigration laws apply for IVF children born outside the US to US immigrants and is based on gender. Historically, the physical mother and legal mother of a child are always the same and so laws are written like that. IVF presents unique situations where an IVF child will have a physical mother but “no legal mother“. In this case both the anonymous egg donor and surrogate were Indian and had no “Legal standing in the US”. Without a “legal US mother”, an immigrant IVF father cannot bring an IVF child to the US even though a “biological link” exists. Where was the non-biological parent for the IVF child? Only someone with intimate knowledge of these laws could have used them against the IVF father and his IVF children. The result is two IVF siblings have NEVER met. The IVF sister cannot go to the US and the IVF brother is NOT allowed to come to India.

Moral of the story : Stay together, say the TRUTH, follow your heart and be UNITED. The Canadian IVF parents proved its NOT the biology, its the LOVE of a parent, where was the non-biological parent of the IVF child in this US-India case? If the situation is accidental and not pre-mediated, what efforts have been made to UNITE the IVF brother and sister?

2) Divorce happens; should IVF siblings UNITED or SEPARATED?

In another case, the biological parents had commissioned an IVF pregnancy in the US but later decided to divorce mid-way and abandoned the IVF pregnancy. The result is the surrogate who legally is considered a “non-biological” parent was “left-behind” both with the twin IVF children and non-payment for her services. The compassionate surrogate has her own children to raise and despite the emotional and financial trauma decided to raise the IVF twins herself and is slowly getting back on her feet. What is the difference between such parents and deadbeat parents?  Any technology can be misused and abused by a few bad apples, where are the laws to protect and ensure the rights of such IVF children and left-behind families and surrogates?

Moral of the story : Divorce happens, siblings should NOT get hurt and some compassionate human being is always around the corner. Luckily it all happened within the boundaries of USA (no immigration laws complications) and the IVF siblings are together and the surrogate, now the mother, has both emotional and financial help and support.  We need protection from IVFphiles.

In the US-India case, a divorce was filed in the US by the non-biological parent who ALSO agreed to the second IVF child and surrogacy. When the divorce was filed in the US, there was NO mention of the ongoing IVF pregnancy in India, its like the IVF child was DELETED from legal existence in the US and thus denying any LEGAL rights an innocent, voiceless child is normally given in the US – a leader of human rights and child rights. The IVF father was placed in a situation of either staying in the US and contesting the divorce on FACTS or go to India and raise his abandoned IVF daughter. Thus he has NO practical custody of his biological IVF son. Thus the IVF son has NO right to grow up with his sister he wanted, he has NO right to grow up with his biological family, he has NO right to know the TRUTH. While a gay father can tell his 10 year old daughter he is gay, an IVF father cannot tell his IVF son the TRUTH, WHY? The IVF father gave up his life in the US and came to India to raise his abandoned daughter. The family opted for IVF because of the spouse’s infertility and the IVF father did NOT see an “I” in infertility during a marriage. He arranged for the finances to pay the surrogate as per the agreement, it was NOT the surrogate’s fault. As a “left-behind” parent, the IVF father is struggling emotionally from the separation of his IVF son for whom he was the primary care provider, he misses his son missing out on growing up with siblings, he is struggling financially despite having paid into US socially security for almost 20 years. Today the IVF children are in a LEGAL LIMBO. The validity of the divorce based on prevailing laws is in question. Lying and breaking laws to give human rights to one person HURTS other innocent, unsuspecting VICTIMS and their human rights. There has to be a better way.

Moral of the story : Divorce happens; siblings should NOT get hurt. Living a life of secrecy and lies can be used AGAINST you, worse, it can be REPEATED to ABUSE and HURT innocent, voiceless children. The right answer is to say the truth with civility, humility and dignity.

IVF is very traumatic – its a journey that drains you emotionally and financially, sometimes rewarded with an IVF child and sometimes not. Only folks who have been through an IVF journey can understand like the Canadian IVF parents who gave up EVERYTHING in a heartbeat to stay together as a family with the IVF children.

3) US citizen Vs Indian Citizen

In 2009, a US citizen child who was abducted to Brazil was united with his biological father in the US with support and help from US President Obama and then US Secretary of State Clinton who said, “A child belongs with his [biological] family“. Despite the 5 year gap between father and son, the last report says they are BONDING great and loving each other’s company after being reunited. The family in Brazil was the maternal biological grandparents who were raising him and providing him food, home, clothes, toys, schooling, education, and other things for growth and development. There was NO sign of ABUSE other than not allowing the son to travel to US to meet his father and have a PRACTICAL father-son relationship. Its the “right thing to do”.

Moral of the story : The US is capable of doing the “right thing” where laws sometimes fall short.

In 2013, 3 years and counting, an Indian citizen IVF son has been reverse abducted to the US and is NOT allowed to come to India. The courts in the US have been lied to and the facts have been suppressed resulting in FORCED SEPARATION of innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister who have NEVER met. A father who misses his son dearly and vice versa because of the CLOSE BOND they have since the father was the primary care provider until uprooted. JUSTICE seems distant and forgotten, relief for VICTIMS is what we are seeking. An IVF daughter in India is in LEGAL LIMBO and is STATELESS and cannot travel outside India. How many lives have to be RUINED to give life to one person and their LIES? When asking for justice, one has to listen to statements like, “thats what you get for doing IVF…”. So the IVF parents deserve the punishment, why are we punishing innocent, voiceless IVF children by placing them in LEGAL LIMBO? Do IVF children have rights? And for the record, if you have the GUTS like an adult, come say the same thing after you see the two LOVELY IVF children, I dare you. And for the record, we opted for IVF because of infertility in the marriage due to the intersex person, where are they? Just like being gay is personal but NOT having gay rights is a public policy issue; so is being IVF parent is personal but NOT having equal rights for IVF children and families is a public policy issue.

Moral of the story : Dealing with 4 Is – intersex, IVF, immigration and invisibility is exhausting in 2013. Somehow, still being alive is a miracle and largely a thanks to the parents and their upbringing. Quitting, detering, running away from the issues is NOT in the DNA. Doing the right thing, truth, moving forward is in the DNA – the same DNA the two IVF children will have FOREVER – can’t LIE to them forever, can we?

Just like sometimes a hunter becomes the hunted, sometimes a fertile person becomes infertile due to the trauma and experiences of IVF even though biologically they may be fertile.

Intersex is a naturally occurring condition and is not in an individual’s control, however, lying about it and reducing the rights of an unsuspecting spouse and children is in their control. It is NOT about one’s GENDER, or RACE, or RELIGION, or CASTE or … but its about the CHARACTER of an individual. This case is from the future where if equal rights for gays existed; this case would NOT have happened, if equal rights for immigration existed for IVF children and families; this case would NOT have happened, if equal rights for intersex existed; this case would NOT have happened. Slowly but surely, things are changing. LGBTI immigration was not allowed till 2013, now it is. Intersex families are largely living in secrecy and invisible with their issues, but recently Germany, the FIRST European country legally recognized the “third gender” and thus providing an environment for people to live freely and honestly. Will others like US, UK, Canada follow? In another case, a FIRST in the US, a court determined the intersex surgery as unconstitutional, what about the same surgery during marriage? In another instance, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP to the intersex surgery. What are the effects of such surgery which is torturous and/or unconstitutional when done in secrecy and lies during a marriage on unsuspecting people – both the intersex patient and the spouse and the children? In the future, the effects will be analyzed and understood and there will be more openness to the FACTS including lack of laws. Patience and time always allows for the TRUTH to prevail.

Come Together Right Now

As humans there are lot of good and bad things we may come across in our lives. Its all about seeing it from the lies hidden in truthperspective of each individual. Whenever anything traumatic happens, it’s all about how we pick up the pieces and move on. Here is a great inspirational story of how a drunk driver who accidentally killed two innocent people and is now UNITING with the family of the victim on spreading awareness and having laws changed. Its the true human spirit!

Difference between TRUTH and LYING

When one accepts the truth, they start a process of justice for themselves and due to the freedom may end up helping others for a greater good – Edie Windsor is a recent example. When there is denial and lying, it becomes a self-serving selfish proposition with no real solution to provide relief for victims. As humans, we want TRUTH and move on…LIES only slow us down but cannot BREAK us.

What do you think about a couple in an intersex marriage in the 2000s who were also immigrants and infertile and created IVF children who are now in LEGAL LIMBO should do? Should they continue to lie, live in secrecy and hence continue to defend the lies and wild allegations or come together right now and solve the issue of the innocent IVF children – two siblings who are clearly in LEGAL LIMBO. Do the innocent IVF children deserve better? In this one case, there are so many “greater goods” if TRUTH is allowed to be shared. A Canadian couple moved to India for 6 years before they were allowed to bring their IVF child to Canada – power of staying UNITED and saying the TRUTH.

“I’m really frank with the kids. They ask all the time and I jut give them really honest answers because they deserve that.” – said family of the victims in the drunk driving case.

1) What is wrong about spreading awareness about international IVF/surrogacy children and families especially when no laws exist? The first step is to accept the children are IVF both in privacy of the home and in court instead of making false claims including producing fraudulent records. The IVF children deserve the truth and others like them deserve equal rights and laws. Why punish innocent children for crimes of adults?

2) Actions have placed two lovely IVF children in LEGAL LIMBO. Would it be better to UNITE and get them legalized as per laws in their own best interest? Or should we live in continued silence and abuse? Will others benefit from the change in laws for international IVF/Surrogacy?

3) Would it LESSEN the LOVE of a parent if they were to declare the fact their child is IVF? Lies would lessen the love, TRUTH will only strengthen it. Lies both in the privacy of home and lies in the court are detrimental to the child. What would be wrong in having a law to declare all ongoing IVF pregnancies when filing for divorce so that the best interest of the IVF child is maintained? Is an IVF child a LESS of a child?

4) Experts including people in authority who may have never experienced infertility or immigration issues themselves are worried about the “IVF child” and choose to “hide facts” from them like doctors did with intersex children in a failed approach. Why would lying to children be OK especially lies that include breaking the laws? What does a REAL EXPERT think – in the words of an IVF child?

5) IVF is too new a technology (35 years and counting) mostly dealt with secrecy and only now people are speaking up on dealing with IVF and issues – medical, financial, legal, immigration, etc. Now first set of scientific studies are coming out and the effects on behaviour of IVF children and special needs to address it. An IVF child can get the help and support they deserve only if they are told the TRUTH! Do IVF children deserve that for their own mental and physical health? Is it their right as a human being or are they “property”?

6) Angelina Jolie made quite a few points recently. By going public with her double masectomy, she raised awareness to a new level. Her TRUTH empowered so many others also. She revealed that through genetics she was able to deduce the “risk factor” and make an “informed decision”. Do IVF children deserve the same rights to know the biology of their parent when available? 

7) Just like Angelina Jolie revealed her medical diagnosis and her decision, why would it be wrong to say one is intersex or a spouse of intersex and the issues they are dealing with from marriage rights, immigration rights, fertility rights, medical rights, etc. It takes strength and courage to say the TRUTH.

8) If the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP on the controversial intersex surgery, was there any torture if the same surgery is done in secrecy during a marriage? What are its effects? Several intersex people have this controversial surgery, how many of them have done this during a marriage? 

9) What is the check and balance system against the medical experts who send unsuspecting intersex married couples as canaries in the coal mine? And how do medical experts know what is the “right protocol” to follow if there are hardly any instances to follow for intersex surgery during a marriage? There are several medical conditions for which humans do not have answers but LYING is not the solution.

10) If the so called medical experts believe they have done no wrong then what is the need to falsify and fraud on medical records? Do the medical experts who fraud medical records understand the full impact of their actions on unsuspecting victims including innocent children even if inadvertently?

11) If a CAIS person can go around showcasing a medical record stating they had “removal of ovaries”, does that mean we as a humankind have “solved” the CAIS issue? Does that mean all future babies who are born with CAIS will have “ovaries” or “testes”? By lying, are we IGNORING other effects of medical fraud?  Is it better to empower each person with the TRUTH?

Three Strikes and Justice?

Three strikes is a general rule of thumb for getting out or speaking up. In the all American favorite pastime, speak up truthbaseball (which I terribly miss going to the games with my son – go Stros’), its three strikes and you are OUT. At a personal level, when someone abuses you, do you speak up after the first occurrence or the second or the third occurrence? When someone slaps you, do you usually hit back after the first slap or the second or the third slap? When someone stabs you, do you react after the first occurrence or the second or the third occurrence? As with each occurrence, the severity goes up and the victim may not wait till the second or third time to react. It may be TOO LATE. Being married to intersex with LESS rights is not the issue, being married to an infertile person with LESS rights is not the issue, being a LEGAL immigrant with LESS rights is not the issue, its someone using ALL this against you for their personal benefit which is the issue. Its THREE STRIKES and you are OUT. An innocent girl had the courage to speak up against her own family – her father because of the constant abuse even though she was met with a “let it be” attitude. She believed in saying the truth and decided enough is enough when it comes to abuse. How long must one wait before reporting abuse against a family member? Is there a “finite limit” every human has to tolerate the abuses? What if the victim is ALSO your innocent child?

Being abused, being lied to, breaking the laws to an adult is one thing, there is forgiveness. That’s STRIKE ONE. Having the secrecy, lies, abuse, violence, breaking the laws repeated on your innocent child is STRIKE TWO. Being lonely and staying silent under threats and not reporting the crimes is the biggest regret. Having the same mantra repeated to make an innocent child STATELESS and SPLITTING siblings takes abuse, secrecy, lies to whole another level. What are the RIGHTS of the innocent IVF child VICTIM? When the victims of the “let it be” attitude are innocent children, would you stay quiet or speak up if it were your own children? Would any parent want their child to have the basic human dignity and respect?

Fighting Stereotypes – Victims of “Let It Be” Attitude

In a complex case of intersex, infertility (IVF), immigration – some things are constant – secrecy, lies, breaking the laws and constantly fighting the stereotypes – there is nothing conventional about it. The right answer is to educate and spread awareness because if that existed before, there would be NO secrecy and lies and stigma. Parents of intersex would not have the urge to LIE about their child because intersex is socially acceptable. What are some of the stereotypes to fight?

1) People may see infertility ONLY as a female issue which is horribly wrong. Infertility affects all those who love children, the way of expression may be different. As an IVF father who is remote, one has worked tirelessly including making trips from the US by himself to India to IVF clinics and depositing the “sample”. If you think its just a “trip”, we welcome you to try the roller coaster ride yourself.

2) People may see a non-biological parent raising an IVF child with care. We see an IVF child ABANDONED and in LEGAL LIMBO due to no fault of hers without whom the non-biological parent could have NEVER got practical sole custody of the IVF sibling they claim to love. If the second IVF child had been declared in the divorce decree, would the court have agreed to SPLIT biological siblings? If the second IVF child were brought to the US and then divorce was filed, would the FACTS have been allowed to be stated in the court? To SACRIFICE an innocent, voiceless IVF child for sake of another child is NOT love for children.

3) People may see showing compassion to an infertile person. We tried that and are left-behind with not one, but TWO IVF children in LEGAL LIMBO. What are the LEGAL RIGHTS of people who are STATELESS? For us its about the IVF children, the RESULT OF SHOWING COMPASSION TO INFERTILITY.

4) People who feel compassion for an infertile person and would like to SILENCE us. First, no more silence; been there, done that. TRUTH with civility, humility, and dignity is the only way forward. Second, we welcome those compassionate people to give their egg or sperm and money and we know of several IVF clinics willing to help. You can have the IVF child and just “donate” or “give” the child to the infertile person. Its easy to preach, try practicing it sometimes.

5) We have tried the secrecy, the lies, the victimization, the abuse, the violence in silence. But a criminal mind never changes. As we were stumbling through each issue, it was a FIRST in so many ways. It is time to celebrate the FIRSTS instead of living in secrecy and lies. 

6) By DENYING the children are IVF, we are doing the biggest disservice to the “it takes a village” people who helped bring the IVF children into the world and raise them. It shows the HUMANITY and COMPASSION still alive in this world. DENIAL would be criminal. In TRUTH, we will be honoring those who have truly helped like the “village” that helped raise the IVF children.

7) People may see a parent with an IVF child. We see an innocent child being lied to and having his rights violated just like an intersex child. How did the LYING and SECRECY help the intersex child? And how will a REPEAT of the LYING and SECRECY help an IVF child?

8) Abuse an adult, stayed silent. Abuse a child, stayed silent. Abuse another child, can we stay silent? The issue is not intersex, IVF or immigration. The issue is only someone with intimate knowledge of the circumstances could have done this heinous act on innocent, unsuspecting victims.

We have more than THREE STRIKES, what should we do? Continue to LIE or start saying the TRUTH?

The Case for Rights for IVF children and families

There is little doubt left that IVF/surrogacy laws are in its infancy worldwide. The situation is exasperated whereTime-for-equal-rights-IVF-children IVF/surrogacy laws are not far-reaching. There is NO doubt the future will bring equal rights for IVF children and families while in the interim there are innocent lives being victimized. There are both sides of the spectrum – places where IVF/Surrogacy is completely banned to allowance of IVF/Surrogacy with the best interest of the infertile parents in mind and NOT the best interest of the IVF child. Even if one disagrees with a total ban approach, at least its clear, NO IVF child which in some cases maybe better than creating an IVF child and placing them in LEGAL LIMBO and making them STATELESS due to no fault of their own.

It is about moving forward and envisioning a world where equal rights for the entire IVF ecosystem exists – the IVF child, donors, surrogates, and the parents who may be infertile or dysfertile. The canaries in the coal mine miraculously survived. So let’s make the case and have a discussion which is long overdue and is victimizing innocents. Let put children FIRST.

1) Precedence of International laws for children – If there are international laws for child abduction and child adoption, why not international laws for IVF/surrogacy children in the best interest of the child?

2) Precedence of immigration laws for LGBTI – If there are immigration rights for spouses of LGBTI, why not immigration rights for IVF/Surrogacy children regardless of parent’s gender? For example, can an immigrant IVF father legally bring an IVF child born outside the US born with his biological sperm and help of compassionate anonymous egg donor and surrogate? Gays, single fathers, spouses of intersex are some of the people affected.

3) Non-biological parents of IVF children – If non-biological parents can be EQUALLY loving, then why not allow legal immigration of IVF/Surrogacy children by non-biological parents? For example, what if an IVF clinic accidentally swaps the sperm sample and now there is NO DNA match between the IVF parent and IVF child? What should happen to the IVF child who cannot legally immigrate? Are we going to say that “scientific accidents” and “human error” NEVER happens? Ask Madam Curie. As an IVF family, we need a legal framework to move forward in life. Or are we condemning infertile or dysfertile people same way as places which BAN Surrogacy/IVF outright – in the absence of adequate laws, the result is same even though the intent may not be. We need protection from IVFphiles.

4) Human organ transplant – People who donate their organs either while alive or after their death are very noble. There are ethics surrounding each scenario and laws too. The “time window” for organ transplant is very “small” as the organs deteriorate quickly when left outside the human body. The “time window” to give innocent, voiceless IVF children equal rights is “small” because with time and lost childhoods, their innocence is lost quickly with possible trauma for a lifetime.

5) Organ Transplant while alive and after death – There is a difference between organ transplant while alive or after death. The ethics are are slightly different and thats why it is necessary to make a distinction. For a live organ transplant, both the donor (typically, a family member) and the receiver have rights and laws that govern the safety and health of both. There is even a organ donor advocate who looks out for their best interest even though lot of emotions may be involved due to the receiver being a close family member. Why are there NO laws to govern the rights of an IVF child? Why are there NO laws to govern the rights of a donor or surrogate in an IVF procedure? While socially a parent is defined by the LOVE for a child and biology should NOT matter but laws for IVF children and families are OPPOSITE and so we need to discuss “biology”.

6) Lack of laws – Anyone who claims we have laws for the entire IVF ecosystem is either fooling themselves OR has never experienced IVF firsthand. That’s why we need an IVF Movement to educate and spread awareness to get change. What we have is a start, a legal framework for IVF/Surrogacy in its infancy, we have a long way to go and lot more work to do. In a democracy, every minority needs to garner support from the majority who may have NEVER experienced the same issues and have EQUAL laws passed – thats how our system works.

For discussion sake, in a world where both mothers and fathers are EQUAL and can LOVE a child EQUALLY and can be the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER EQUALLY, from a legal perspective, should taking a sperm or egg or a womb from someone treated as “organ transplant”? It is anatomy of the human body. At least should similar ethics, laws be in place to EQUALLY protect the best interest of the IVF child, the donor and the receiver? In case of gays or single fathers, how will we address this where ‘NO LEGAL MOTHER” exists even though a physical mother exists?

This in NO way is an exhaustive list for reasons and urgency to have EQUAL rights for IVF children and families. The intent is to SPARK a discussion which is long overdue and its about time to have the right to say the TRUTH and demand and deserve equal justice for all. Living in secrecy and shadows at the cost of threats and offending someone is NOT going to solve any issues, TRUTH will help us move forward.