Tag Archives: spouse caregiver

Change is Refreshing – IVF rights

Whether be it spouse caregiver or being an immigrant or being an IVF father or being all of the above – change is required for all. If one does not havechange-refreshing-ivf  the intent to “become the change you want to see in this world”, no person can constantly go through such life-changing events. There is positive change and there is negative change. Positive is sharing and caring while negative is secrecy and lying. What will not ebb is the constant flow of the river of change. Despite seeing all the trauma in life, when one sees the abuse repeated on their innocent children, life stops and makes you wonder, is it time to speak up finally?

There are parents of children with mental disabilities or physical disabilities or victims of bullying or victims of abuse or children with Down’s Syndrome or victims of lies. As a parent, do you abandon the innocent child or do you stand up for what’s right? I am an IVF parent and while IVF may not be a disability, the lack of laws for IVF children and families sure makes it feel like so. The result is the same – unequal rights for innocent children and families. And it is much better to fight for equal rights for all IVF children and families instead of lying about it including breaking laws.  Thats what an IVF father who is also an immigrant and part of an intersex family is doing for his IVF children – standing up finally after years of abuse in secrecy.

It is obvious that an intersex, immigrant, international IVF family should not exist legally in the 2000s. Unless some laws were broken, this would not be possible. Even in 2014, it is taboo to talk about an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. But truth always finds a way and time always supports the truth. People can choose to be secretive and lie about the facts for personal benefits OR speak up and fight for the truth for themselves and others to come. After all, what is so WRONG about helping a fellow human being who is intersex, infertile and an immigrant for whom laws itself fall short? Why should one continue to lie while other intersex or infertile or immigrant children and families are suffering due to lack of laws?

A murderer is also a man or woman, someone’s son or daughter, father or mother, brother or sister BUT still a murderer. They are right here amongst us.  Just like that an intended IVF parent is also someone’s daughter or son, sister or brother, mother or father BUT may also be an IVF criminal. By fighting for the truth, we hope to address the rights of the IVF children, what are the rights of the IVF child when born during a divorce? Are IVF children a “commodity” OR are they real human beings with equal protection as children? What happens when laws fall short and people take advantage and break the laws?

With cases like “baby Gammy” or “baby Medhavi” becoming a common occurrence, it is time to speak up, especially the people who are affected by these lack of laws. One can appreciate that the IVF community is a minority and there may not be many takers but if you are a parent, you would care because you care about any child as a loving parent. If you are a law-abiding human being, you would care because humanity is our cornerstone and when people break laws for personal benefit while placing innocent children as shields, there has to be consequences.

It is very traumatic to live as an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. But it is far more traumatic to knowingly split innocent IVF siblings and place them in legal limbo. Sadly love and compassion do not matter but laws do as our lives are ruled by laws. By UNITING the innocent IVF siblings we send two messages that laws matter AND so restores faith in humanity where compassion matters. Are we ready to do the right thing in 2014 or do we have to wait a century for equal rights for IVF children and families and give them justice?

I got it wrong – Plain and Simple with IVF

Are we ready to UNITE and not DIVIDE innocent IVF siblings and stop punishing them for crimes they did not commit?  There is a common theme between the story of an intersex spouse and an immigrant IVF father  in 2000s and a recent published memoir, Hard Choices, by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had this to say about her voting for the Iraq warhillary-clinton-iraq-war-ivf in 2002.

1) “I got it wrong. Plain and simple.”

Being a spouse in an intersex marriage is not wrong but it may be illegal, having a child through IVF is not wrong, being an immigrant is not wrong, being a primary care provider for your child as a father is not wrong, helping a fellow human being who happens to lie and break laws is wrong. I got it wrong as an intersex spouse, IVF father, immigrant. Plain and Simple.

2) “As the war dragged on, with every letter I sent to a family in New York who had lost a son or daughter, a father or mother, my mistake (became) more painful,” Clinton adds.

As the fraud marriage dragged on and more truth got revealed, I realized I had been lied to and that is not love under any circumstances. I had followed my heart like my family taught me and that is not wrong. With every day passing in abuse for me and my innocent child, my mistake became more painful not due to intersex, IVF, or being an immigrant but due to lies, secrecy and breaking the laws.

3) “I thought I had acted in good faith and made the best decision I could with the information I had. And I wasn’t alone in getting it wrong. But I still got it wrong. Plain and simple.”

I thought I had acted in good faith in helping a fellow human being who happens to be intersex, infertile and an immigrant. I did not realize the severe lack of laws for our situation. I did not realize that showing compassion and respect where the laws itself falls short was such a heinous crime that my innocent IVF children had to be punished for it. I did the best I could in being a spouse caregiver of intersex, a loving IVF father, a primary care provider for my child in silence and secrecy despite the lack of laws. But I still got it wrong because I trusted a person who lies and breaks laws like a common criminal. Plain and simple.

I never dreamt that my innocent IVF children would be used as human chatal and “property” in the war on fertility. I never dreamt that innocent, voiceless children would be made victims rather than being given equal rights as a human being. I never dreamt that being born IVF would be used as discrimination rather than as celebration.

Lying for the sake of your children should not become the weapon of choice for seasoned liars. What is better? To lie to save a life or to lie to take a life?

The Link Between Scottsboro Boys and Fertility Rights

The recent news of the “Scottsboro boys” being posthumously pardoned is more symbolic and should be celebrated because we as a society are acceptingfertility rights - ivf our “wrongs” even if too late. It takes great courage. Although the wrongful convictions will not get their lives back or what could have been of being able to have a family, a child, respect and dignity and above all being allowed to LIVE as a HUMAN BEING. The question to answer just like Alabama did by pardoning the last of “Scottsboro boys” even if posthumously is to be on the “right side of history“. Much like in the case of “Scottsboro boys”, the prevailing false stereotypes ingrained in people and the system that failed them, most people do not realize the mistake until it happens to “them”. Fertility affects about 15% of the population, so we are faced with similar false stereotypes and are held hostage until change arrives.

Is history repeating itself in wrongfully abusing others? That was 1933 and now it is 2013. The spirit in which this is written is looking forward, what will be the state of fertility rights in 2084? It is a fact that an infertile human being cannot bring a child born outside the US legally to the US because US laws requires a “biological link” as established by DNA (only sperm and egg counts, carrying a child in your womb does not count) between parent-child. Sadly due to the infertility, they cannot have a “biological child”. Then how does a person who is infertile or intersex or gay or lesbian or straight who cannot have a “biological link” to the child supposed to have a child legally? The right answer is change the laws and not break the laws and we need fertility rights. While the “Scottsboro boys” did not get justice while alive, they have been credited with great strides in the civil rights movement. For example, inclusion of African Americans on juries and adequate legal representation for fair justice and due process.

In a case of immigrant, IVF parent, spouse caregiver of intersex, was a similar person allowed to be on the “jury”, was adequate legal representation provided to ensure due process and fair justice? Or was the truth suppressed to fit the need of the hour?  Does the “average” person understand the life of an immigrant, IVF parent and a spouse caregiver of intersex and the related secrecy, lies and lack of laws and its effects? The secrecy and shame are the biggest culprits. The rights of an innocent child are tightly coupled with the rights of a parent. Is it wrong for an IVF, immigrant father to want children? Or should he be forced and ALSO by association his IVF children be forced to live secretly and become invisible like the “Scottsboro boys”? The link between racism and reproductive rights is to deny the truth and thereby the rights of innocents and making them “legally invisible” only furthering the crimes of continued secrecy, lies and false allegations.

In our zeal to provide a child to an infertile adult, have we forgotten about the rights of an innocent, voiceless IVF child? We have defamation, false allegations, rampant breaking of the laws, abuse and victimization of innocents, intimidation, secrecy, lies and WORST, denial of basic human dignity and respect of innocent IVF children. Welcome to 2004 – lack of fertility rights and waiting for justice…

  • It is a fact that an intersex marriage is illegal – so change the laws but do not break the laws and victimize unsuspecting human beings.
  • It is a fact that intersex person is infertile and cannot have a biological child legally – so change the laws but do not falsely accuse others and victimize innocent children and break the laws. As per CDC, 1 in 6 couples is infertile – how is the “couple” defined – only heterosexual couples? Are LGBTI, single parents included in this “statistic”? Do they deserve fertility rights as human beings?
  • It is a fact that intersex person cannot immigrate based on “marriage” – so change the laws like Edie Windsor did by helping strike down DOMA but do not break the laws and victimize others.
  • It is a fact that caregivers have no rights and further caregivers of LGBTI have no rights at all until recently because they have to live “invisibly and secretly” – so change the laws. There are 65.7 Million family caregivers in the US – are LGBTI caregivers included in this “statistic”?

If a caregiver claims they lost their career, social life, their children, financial resources, etc. because of family caregiving duties – it is OK to glaze over. But if a paid caregiver slips on the floor, they can file for worker’s compensation. How is that equal and fair? As a society we need to encourage family caregivers because it can do wonders for patients but we also need to protect the rights of the caregivers. Or do we want a society where everything is “legal” including the family caregiving relationship?

Somehow discriminating innocent people in the name of “best interest of the child” has become the norm. We look forward to the day when every person is first seen as a HUMAN BEING and then a male or female or intersex or straight or gay or lesbian or black or Asian or white or Hindu or Christian or Muslim and the endless segregation and segmentation we bring in our society to justify “human rights”. The basic human right we need is to recognize every person first as a HUMAN BEING – then everything else.

Our heart goes out to the “Scottsboro boys” in what could have been – the years lost, the lives torn, the wrongful defamation, the loss of basic respect and dignity, the loss of family, the loss of listening to crackling laughter of a child, the loss of lifting your child up in the air, the loss of a child kissing their loving parent, the loss of playing and reading with your child, the loss of seeing your child having a better world than you did, and on and on. The BIGGEST loss is despite the false allegations, false convictions, and loss of several human rights, the innocent had NO shot at justice or to be heard FAIRLY. That breaks a HUMAN BEING down like nothing else can. We salute them for their courage, strength and beliefs forever.

Infertility is very traumatic but does that justify placing innocent, voiceless IVF children in legal limbo? How can you ensure “legal rights” to a person who has “no legal identity”? In many ways, the IVF children and families are invisible like the “Scottsboro boys” – deprived and made invisible.

Survival Guide to IVF, Intersex, Immigration

Laughter is the best medicine. laughing

How do you survive being an IVF father, a spouse caregiver of intersex and lack of immigration laws for an IVF father in forced silence under threats?

Try laughter and a lot of love and support from the family.

To Lie Or To Say the Truth

As a spouse caregiver of intersex or Eunuchs as they are known in India, what is MORE important – TRUTH or diana careslying? Having to raise a little girl with NO mother, people have questions and one has to live in this community with people around them and sooner or later the Questions have to be answered. Or maybe the father had an affair or maybe the father had an illegitimate child. Legally they are right, an IVF child born to a father where neither the egg donor nor the surrogate is the wife of the father is considered a child “born out of wedlock” or an “illegitimate child”. Why is my IVF child illegitimate due to NO FAULT of their own? What are the consequences of being in LEGAL LIMBO? As a loving parent, one vociferously defends the RIGHTS of a child and say the TRUTH. If saying the TRUTH is a crime, so be it. If asking for rights of innocent, voiceless children is a crime, so be it. The challenge is if you were a parent in my shoes, what would you do?

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court.

Do we say the TRUTH the child is IVF or do we LIE?

Do we say the TRUTH to get a passport or do we LIE and risk criminal charges?

Does the IVF child deserve a passport or do we LIE and land-lock her?

When laws for short, do we ask for change in LAWS or BREAK the LAWS?

Are siblings IMPORTANT or do they deserve to be separated?

Intersex or Eunuchs have to deal with trauma. A spouse of Eunuch also has to deal with trauma. A spouse of Love-Honesty-Truth-Respect-NothingEunuch also is a victim of abuse, stigma, secrecy, lies, name calling, etc. as much as an Eunuch. There is a lot of hypocrisy in the community, we may not LIKE it but have to deal with the reality and for that one needs to be HONEST with themselves. Then there are people who DO NOT care whether you are Eunuch or NOT, whether you are IVF or NOT, what matters is are you TRUTHFUL and HONEST?

If you truly LOVE someone, a partner, a child, a parent then TRUTH is paramount. One can present FALSE and FRAUD documents to the court and get away with the LIES and CRIMES, how do you LIE and HIDE from a person you LOVE? Maybe you LOVE yourself MORE? Any brainwashing and alienation is short-term and wrecks several lives once TRUTH is revealed. Just ask any intersex child who has been LIED to for years OR a spouse of intersex who has been LIED to for years. Why REPEAT that with an IVF child? 

As Shakespeare pondered, To Be Or Not To Be, That is the Question…

To Say the Truth Or Lie, That is the Question…If Not for yourself then maybe as a lesson to innocent children – the future?

If one is a Butterfly today, what was the Pupa stage like?

In a marriage everyone says that a person changes after marriage – man or woman. The courting time is NOT butterflythe same as life after marriage. When issues arise, there are communication issues, therapy sessions, maybe friends and family, and if there is LOVE somehow things work out or one breaks-up. It is safe to say it is in our human behavior that we all are inherently displaying and placing our best foot forward during courting and once the deal is done maybe we start taking the other person for granted OR are distracted OR were LIED to or CHEATED or FRAUDED. As individuals, we all have our issues to deal with but communication is KEY. In that, truth is KEY. In that, LOVE PROSPERS.

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court

When a fraud intersex marriage begins to unravel, it has disastrous consequences at ALL levels if there were LIES. There are a lot of intersex people who are HONEST about their situation with the person they claim to LOVE and it often works out amicably. So the issue is NOT intersex, the issue is honesty and trust and love. When those things CHANGE in any marriage, how can it survive? In an intersex marriage in 2000s, there is the added burden of dealing with the LACK of LAWS. There are lot of intersex people who had the surgery either BEFORE marriage while their parents were the caregivers or never had the surgery. So the issue of a “spouse caregiver” does NOT arise. Then there are the facts we have to consider.

CAIS and its Effects in a Marriage

There is scientific evidence that people with Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) have male testes. The medical community often recommends a surgery to remove the male testes (which has since been determined as unnecessary and as torture) and go on a Hormone Replacement Therapy. The medical treatment causes depression, irritability, wild mood swings, severe trauma among other things. This is what is REPORTED in medical literature. The medical community uses a concealment based approach to systematically LIE and create fraud medical documents.

1) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is LYING. Because of the LIES, it takes away the RIGHTS of the spouse caregiver. What about the violence, the abuse, the threats during this transition phase? By denying the TRUTH, the abuse and trauma are CONTINUED on the unsuspecting, victim spouse caregiver of intersex.

2) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is DENIAL of TRUTH.  What about the FACT that the father was the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for the IVF child because the intersex person was under medical treatment? What about the inseparable BOND and love that a son had with his father because he was his primary care provider in silence despite the “conventional stereotypes” against males. Was it a MISTAKE to show compassion and stay quiet and have the silence and humility USED against you or worse, against innocent brother and sister?

3) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is the LAW relies on documents and what do you do with a FRAUD MEDICAL DOCUMENT in court? If an intersex person chooses to DENY themselves the TRUTH and continues to LIE, they are cheating themselves the MOST. Their LIES are hurting so many other LIVES.

4) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the fraud medical records have unintended consequences on innocent children including ABUSE.

5) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, most insurances do NOT cover the surgery and is an out of pocket expense for intersex patients and families. Without TRUTH and awareness, how can we get insurance benefits for other intersex people and families or do we continue a pattern and trend of fraud and lying?

6) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is DENIAL. The first step for any solution is acceptance. How can we ever get to any solution for the children if we LIVE IN DENIAL? Instead, one continues to repeat a thousand lies to hide one lie and continuing to HURT and ABUSE more people. Are SIBLINGS important?

Transition – the Pupa Stage

It is absolutely very traumatic for a CAIS person to go through the unnecessary surgery and then go on HRT. And that too during a marriage to a spouse they LIED to about their situation. If the trauma was NOT enough, it would only make the trauma MORE because of the guilt or may be not if they are seasoned to lying. Is there any trauma for the spouse caregiver of intersex? Or is the spouse caregiver AT FAULT to be married to an intersex person and wanting to help? A person CHANGES in every way possible as they work through this transition – mentally, physically, physiologically, emotionally, spiritually. Any one of these changes has a profound EFFECT in any marriage. Notice we are leaving intimacy out of it. Now imagine ALL these CHANGES occurring at the SAME TIME in a marriage, it is certainly MORE than a FULL CUP of CHANGE. It is often sprinkled with violence, abuse, emotional out bursts, guilt, threats, irritability, and so on. As time goes on, the stabilization occurs AND the person has CHANGED. Worse, it happened in secrecy and silence. Did anyone pay a PRICE for the CHANGE?

The Butterfly

The person whom you knew BEFORE the marriage has CHANGED – nothing new for most marriages. The person whom you became a spouse caregiver for has CHANGED – there are lot of spouse caregivers too. The person for whom you gave up higher education, career, better part of 30s, respected their privacy and secrecy, living in a world of 6 billion BUT living LONELY in secrecy due to the TRANSITION has CHANGED – now we are getting into the “minority region”. Over time, the medical treatment has stabilized and maybe even CHANGED for the better. If the person is a butterfly today, a spouse caregiver of intersex and his IVF child have experienced and seen the WORST pupa stage in silence. Who was the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for the IVF child during this traumatic transition and ongoing medical treatment? It is an experience that stays with you for a lifetime. As traumatic as miscarriages are to a mother, one can NEVER forget. One tries to live and move on and maybe even are blessed with other children but the MISCARRIAGE and its experience are ALWAYS a part of you. Our life is a SUM of our experiences.  So please do NOT placate by suggesting cliche statements like “past is past”, “move on”, etc. Unless you have experienced the transition of your spouse in every way imaginable way and discovering the LIES, you have no CLUE what that is. That experience has made a STRONGER person of the caregiver, why FORGET?

So if the person has stabilized, if they have CHANGED for the better, what is the issue? The issue is LIES that involve breaking the laws. The issue is the continued LIES to SPLIT innocent brother and sister. By showing a fraud medical record of having a “removal of ovaries” surgery DOES NOT change the facts. First it shows that the intersex person is still in DENIAL and one has to deal with the multitude of issues for themselves. Second, it DENIES the RIGHTS of others like the innocent IVF brother and sister and the spouse caregiver. Its as if their life of abuse, lies, pain, suffering, trauma, victimization NEVER happened. It takes away the basic human dignity of a person to speak the TRUTH. Third, CAIS is naturally occurring meaning there will still be OTHERS born with it who will ALSO have male testes. How will the LYING or FRAUD medical records HELP them? Isn’t it better to say the TRUTH and empower them with the TRUTH?

Chaos Theory and Butterfly Effect – As the theory goes that a butterfly flapping its wings in China can cause weather systems in the US. What do years of secrecy, lies and breaking laws do to an unsuspecting, innocent family who are SPLIT with two IVF children on two different continents and are NOT allowed to meet? Is it fair to say that the lingering effects of being part of an intersex family and the lack of laws to address the issues of an intersex family are with them for a lifetime?

Looking Ahead – Move Forward

The irony is that the LIES of the medical community have traumatized and devastated several intersex children unnecessarily. The REAL culprit being secrecy and stigma. Now the SAME LIES are traumatizing and devastating the innocent childhoods of an IVF brother and sister. What have the LIES accomplished? They have placed the innocent IVF children in LEGAL LIMBO. Should we repeat history and DENY them their RIGHTS TOO like denial of rights for intersex?

The lesson learnt is that intersex or IVF is NOT the culprit. The LACK of LAWS due to secrecy, lying and lack of awareness is. So NO MORE lying, truth begins. The journey may be long, tedious, lot of opposition, against conventional wisdom with the ongoing LGBTI movements, BUT then again what is “conventional” about this case? Change is constant, change is inevitable just like TRUTH.

Use, Abuse, and Discard – Intersex, IVF, Immigration

There are always TWO sides of the story in any relationship. If the relationship is healthy, there is no break-ups.Fight for truth If the relationship is unhealthy, there are break-ups. How a break-up occurs reveals the TRUTH in an unhealthy relationship. If children are involved in a break-up, it says a lot about the person on how much they love themselves Vs their claimed love for children in the relationship. In a healthy break-up, the children get to see both parents and have the opportunity to live freely. In an unhealthy break-up the abuse continues in the form of parental alienation, secrecy and lying and restricting free will and freedoms of an innocent child. The slavery to secrecy and lies continue. There may be violations of the court order but thats OK. There may be gross violations of laws but thats OK. Depending on which side of the coin you are, you got USED, ABUSED and DISCARDED. Thats OK for an adult (is it?), is it ALSO OK for innocent, voiceless children? Are SIBLINGS important?

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court. For those who support status quo, we did maintain status quo and look what happened – two innocent and voiceless siblings, on two continents, in LEGAL LIMBO. Let us NOT repeat status quo, let us ask for CHANGE and MOVE FORWARD. What is different about an intersex relationship between immigrants who do international IVF to have children? Is it “unconventional” for a male to ask for rights of a child, just wait for a few years now that gay marriages are being legalized, gay divorces will follow and it will become “conventional” (meaning laws will be formulated) but it may be TOO LATE for the innocent brother and sister. This case is from the FUTURE but the strategy of secrecy, lies, fraud, manipulation of systems, breaking laws are consistent with a criminal.

1) Intersex

Lot of complex issues and breaking the laws for starters. One has SPLIT two kids on two continents. Legally there is shared custody of child but NOT practical custody. Ironically, IVF is done due to infertility of intersex and now the biological parent has to deal with legalizing a STATELESS IVF daughter while SPLIT from his son. We have gone beyond USED, ABUSED, and DISCARDED. It is one thing to ABUSE an adult (actually a male) but it is totally different to ABUSE an innocent, voiceless child. It is one thing to SLAP your spouse/partner, it is totally different to SLAP an innocent child and DENY them basic rights as a human being. Legally, intersex are either invisible to less rights to no rights. Does the spouse inherit the same unequal rights by association and dealing with the effects of intersex? Intersex are victims of nature and unsuspecting spouse of intersex are victims of _____? What is worse – victim of nature or victim of a criminal? Any loving relationship (spouse, parent-child, friends) based on a foundation of LIES is not LOVE. It is pretending to get what you want including breaking the laws. US President Obama has no patience for lack of gay rights. What about lack of immigration rights for LGBTI and IVF children and the folks who still have to deal with those effects with two kids on two separate continents? Intersex is very traumatic, wait till you meet infertility.

Even FDA recalls drugs after learning the TRUTH – the same drugs that it once deemed safe and effective when they approved it. That’s the power of truth – it allows an opportunity to fix once truth is known, it offers a SOLUTION.

2) Infertility

Thankfully to some great medical research and work, we have an opportunity to use techniques like IVF to have children and deal with infertility. Unfortunately, IVF is not affordable by everyone and IVF is a journey. First there is the money issue. Next there is the matching of the donors, surrogate issue (depending on your case). In an IVF between two genetic males, one needs both an egg donor and a surrogate – a scientific fact. Then there is the stress, the anxiety, the uncertainty, the ups, the downs, the valleys, the hills, and for some lucky folks, the end of the roller coaster ride blesses you with a lovely IVF child. The first trauma is missing the birth of your child or celebrating it due to secrecy and lies. Despite “conventional stereotypes”, the father becomes the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for the infant because the intersex person is still undergoing medical treatment and is in a transition phase. There is an inseparable bond between the son and the father as a result. Feeding is an issue for IVF children as the surrogate may not be around depending on the case. Formula is a good alternative to breastfeeding. But what if a genetic male wants to take hormones and attempt breastfeeding? How many mothers come home after child birth and ask the fathers of the child to breastfeed their child? huh? How many gay parents bring home an infant and attempt to breastfeed by taking hormones to lactate? Yes, after the roller coaster of IVF, one has to endure watch their innocent, voiceless IVF infant be abused at failed attempts of breastfeeding and going hungry. Intersex is very traumatic, then you meet infertility, now wait till you meet international IVF and immigration laws for immigrants.         (Hint :                     ) <- attempt to show “do not exist”….

3) International IVF and Immigration

We do NOT have consistent LAWS internationally. So an international IVF by immigrants can create some very UNIQUE and RARE circumstances. Only someone with intimate knowledge of the facts can use it to MANIPULATE to their advantage. It is one thing to say that you know better to an immigrant in an intersex marriage, we should NOT have done international IVF because laws do NOT support it. Does that mean infertile immigrants should remain childless including intersex immigrants? However, two lovely IVF brother and sister are BORN, now what? If a building is illegally constructed, either break it down or legalize it assessing penalties. The IVF children are illegal, should we “break them down” or legalize them? This is HUMAN LIVES we are discussing.

Immigrants do NOT have same rights as citizens. Thats a legislative issue. What happens when this is used disparagingly against the male and worse against innocent, voiceless IVF children? And yet go on to claim they LOVE a child? Alienating a child from the parent is abuse yet common. But alienating a child from a sibling takes a WHOLE NEW LEVEL of ABUSE. Moreover, placing the sibling in LEGAL LIMBO for their personal interests takes VIOLATION of human rights and child rights to WHOLE NEW LEVEL. Do you think its a very selfish way to show LOVE for a child? If we are going to allow to have IVF children be born with NO responsibility on the commissioning adult, what’s next? Human cloning for personal benefits?

4) BONUS: Caregiver

Intersex is very traumatic, then you meet infertility, now you have met IVF and immigration. Most intersex people have surgery done to them without informed consent. It is so traumatic and torturous that the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP to this. Rarely, the same surgery is done DURING a marriage. Typically the parents are the caregivers of intersex and have help and support. If a spouse has cancer or mesothelioma, a caregiver spouse is allowed to share the truth and get help and support. What about the spouse caregiver of intersex? Should they be forced into SILENCE under threats? Is that abuse? Where were the parents of the intersex after the surgery? Now meet all at the SAME time – intersex, infertility, international IVF, immigration, caregiving. Result is Secrecy and Lies  under THREATS rule while innocent, voiceless brother and sister are being punished for crimes they did not commit. Does not sound like JUSTICE, does it?

The issue is NOT whether an intersex person can be a parent, or a non-biological person can be a parent,

Life dealing with Intersex, IVF, Immigration
Life dealing with Intersex, IVF, Immigration

the issue is when a person is suffering from severe trauma and is undergoing medical treatment, how can they be a PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for an infant? And what about the abuse endured? And when the medical situation has stabilized, they have USED the caregiver, ABUSED the spouse and now DISCARDED the spouse and the IVF child leaving them in LEGAL LIMBO because it NO LONGER SUITS them. We can accept situation is traumatic for which LIES need to stop and TRUTH needs to come out – first for the sake of innocent, voiceless children need RELIEF as VICTIMS if not justice.

Its a fact we need equal rights for intersex, IVF children and families, caregivers. If no one speaks up, we will NEVER get started and NEVER get the equal rights. We did the Intersex, IVF, Immigration journey in secrecy and lies, NOW it is time to ask for equal rights with education and awareness – if not in our lifetime then at least in our children’s lifetime. TRUTH is the solution, secrecy and lies are disastrous – one gets USED, ABUSED, DISCARDED in a whole NEW LEVEL. This is abnormal behavior. There are intersex people who are living with the TRUTH, have legally ADOPTED kids, are good parents. They do not PREY on unsuspecting people and break the laws and commit crimes. These are traits of a criminal regardless of sexual orientation or gender.

Steel Magnolias – Before The Dawn

2013 has been a great year of changes. Especially if you are someone living a life of secrecy and lies as an lonely treeimmigrant, IVF parent, and as an intersex family – a lonely survival. And we are NOT even done with the year yet, so looking forward to this year. Let us have an open discussion about intersex families, the legal issues, the social issues, the financial issues, the international issues, the immigration issues that they face in 2013 and before that. Its the Steel Magnolias for infertile families where we can have an open discussion to get to a solution. Some issues are coming out in the open and so there is no need to LIE any longer and some are unresolved and so LYING continues with a secretive past – before the dawn. Dealing with infertility and lack of laws in 2013 is the night before the dawn for infertile families. After going through the trauma of infertility, multiple failed attempts, financial losses, social losses, job losses, and so many emotive and humanity issues, the least we expect from the government is EQUAL laws. Whether that requires classifying infertility as a “disease” or classifying it as a “disability” or classifying it as a “special need”, thats not the point. The point is a minority can only get EQUAL laws with support of the majority in a democracy. The current status of lack of laws is a long night of darkness and trauma for some infertile people.

1) In February 2013, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture (SRT) called for a STOP to unnecessary surgeries on intersex people. So if someone is lying about such an intersex surgery, will we have to wait another few decades for the truth? And is it torture on the person who knows the truth but is being defamed as the liar? And the UN decision shows there was torture and are dealing with the issues of the intersex people, when will we start understanding and addressing the issues of the caregiver of the intersex? If second-hand smoke is banned in public places after all these decades, what about the “second-hand effects” of this unnecessary surgery?

2) In June 2013, the US Supreme Court struck down DOMA paving the way for thousands of federal benefits to LGBTI (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex) spouses and families including immigration rights. Does this mean if immigration rights were granted before 2013 based on a LGBTI marriage are valid or were laws broken? More importantly, does this mean that other LGBTI immigrants have the SAME access or should they also be taught to lie, cheat, and fraud? Campaign to change the laws or break the laws – what is the message we want to send?

3) There are still NO laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families. We still have a lot of work to do ahead. In the interim, what about the rights of the innocent, voiceless victims – the IVF children?

4) If there was no second IVF child on the way – a SIBLING, the entire case would NOT have happened. But there is a SECOND IVF child – what about their rights? Again, what is the message we want to send to other IVF families – change the laws or break the laws?

5) The International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission (IGLHRC) launched the Yogyakarta Principles including Intersex in 2010. If this was done a decade ago, would a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex who PRACTICED the Yogyakarta Principles before their existence get any help and support for his human rights?

6) The lesson learnt from people like Edie Windsor, Tony Briffa and several other LGBTI people is say the TRUTH. They may be inadvertent activists but it first starts out as a PERSONAL case. With TRUTH, they help themselves and others and future generations. It is about freedom from slavery to secrecy and lies.

If you think dealing with issues like

being a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex for an unnecessary surgery AND

being an IVF parent AND

being an immigrant AND

forced to SPLIT the IVF siblings AND

being a minority within a minority AND

living in secrecy and lies AND,

AND, AND is too complicated, try living it!

Even though left for DEAD, we are still alive and here to say the TRUTH…the only thing that prevails. Being intersex is very traumatic and we have witnessed and experienced it, what about other members of an intersex family? The issue here is NOT intersex, the issue is relentless, incessant lying including breaking laws. The secrecy, abuse, torture, inhumanity, breaking of the laws. It is one thing to do these to an adult, it is totally separate to do this to innocent children.

We cannot wait to see what rest of 2013 and the future ahead brings? Because if all these laws existed BEFORE, innocent brother and sister would NOT be growing up separately.

The irony is that the medical community provided non-circumspect care for decades labeling it as the best gandhi-father day-truthinterest of the intersex child as the UNSRT has called for a STOP to the torturous unnecessary surgery. NOW, does anyone care about the best interest of the IVF child and others in an IVF process or is about the “PAYING ADULT”? By REPEATING the lies, the RESULTS will not change – try TRUTH. Maybe in a few decades, we will have a REPORT from some “QUALIFIED” agency which will CLAIM the heinous and torturous condition of IVF children and others in an IVF process should be REGULATED so there is an opportunity for JUSTICE and RELIEF for VICTIMS. Alas, the innocent childhoods will have been lost by then and all we will have are apologies.

Criminal Intent – IVF Style

When this case sinks in to enough people’s minds and a critical mass is there for them to see that it could have law-and-order-criminal-intenteasily been them. The complex combination of lack of laws for Intersex, Infertility, Immigration, Invisibility – the four “I”s of this case or “effects of intersex family” is wrecking HAVOC and traumatizing innocent, unsuspecting victims. While we WAIT for EQUAL laws to pass, what if laws are broken in the PRESENT with a criminal intent? There are intersex people who are honest, there are gay people who are fighting to get LAWS and RIGHTS (like Edie Windsor)  and helping themselves and others. Their intent is NOT to break the laws but to recognize their circumstances by sharing the TRUTH and getting LAWS changed to reflect their realities and others like them. They are the spark like Rosa Parks – take a stand.

Could This Be You?

“Become the change you want to see in this world” – Mahatma Gandhi

1) In a recent study, nearly 1 in 4 Americans are a family caregiver which is 25% of the population. The actual numbers may be more as NOT every family caregiver identifies themselves.

2) Spouse caregivers of breast cancer or mesothelioma or Alzheimer and others are allowed to share the facts of their issues so they can get help and support. Is the same true for spouse caregivers of intersex? To put it into perspective, in a recent study it was found that 83% of male spouses leave their spouse when diagnosed with a traumatic condition instead of becoming a spouse caregiver.

3) Support for “equal marriage rights” in 2013 in the US is well above 50%, what was it in early 2000s?

4) Support for immigration of gay families to the US is increasing in 2013, what was it in early 2000s?

5) As per CDC data, infertility affects 1 in 6 couples which is accounting for straight couples. In 2013 with “equal marriage rights”, what is the new infertility or dysfertility” rate including LGBTI couples? A study is NOT out yet but logically it seems there will be MORE people affected by it than there were in early 2000s.

6) All these issues lead to a “critical mass” to have LAWS that affect people who may be family caregivers or in a LGBTI marriage or dealing with infertility or dysfertility or immigration of gay families or immigration of IVF children. We are NOT there yet in 2013. We are still WAITING for these realities to kick in.

Unless there was love and compassion, a spouse would NOT subject themselves to this and later to find out they were LIED, CHEATED, FRAUDED knowingly and deliberately all along. The secrecy and lies in dealing with intersex DOES NOT make it easier to get truthful information. Now the secrecy, lies and criminal intent are being USED to CHEAT and ROB innocent, voiceless children out of a CHILDHOOD together. Regardless of whether you are straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, in a relationship where there is LOVE, there is NO ROOM for lies, cheating and fraud – trust and truth are cornerstones of LOVE regardless of how one TWISTS it whether with a partner or with a child. This was true for thousands of years, it is true today and will remain true forever. To claim or suggest that a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND a surviving IVF father of victim IVF children participated in the crimes is most OFFENSIVE and IGNORANT. A victim of abuse and violence DID NOT speak up because they were SILENCED under THREATS and NOT because they did not want to. If intersex is a minority then FACTUALLY, spouse caregiver of intersex are even a SMALLER minority of that. Who is helping them deal with EFFECTS of intersex and the lack of laws for it? To suggest they are criminals shows the lack of understanding of intersex families and the reason for UNEQUAL rights of intersex, IVF children and families, and family caregivers.

Criminal Intent

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court

Mr. Rajat Gupta is a very reputable individual with a great story combining BOTH Indian dream and American IVF-Spouse Rights Updateddream. He has also been recognized as a great contributor to the overall good of the community, a philanthropist and uplifting many careers and providing several jobs and allowing families to prosper. But he did LIE. And the LAWS prevailed. The VICTIMS of his LIES received some monetary benefit from the heavy fines imposed upon him. Thats RULE of LAW.

To say this case is about intersex or infertility or immigration or invisibility would be UNTRUTHFUL. These are the “issues” of the case but someone knowingly and deliberately LIED. Criminals LIE. People who LIE make others LIE under secrecy and threats. CRIMINALS use threats and make others ALSO LIE.

1) Till 2013 in the US, gay immigration was illegal. So if someone LIED before then and immigrated to the US, is that valid? Thousands of gays have WAITED to marry legally and help their binational spouses for immigration and NOT committed FRAUD. Some even waited over 40 years instead of victimizing innocent, unsuspecting people because their LOVE was built on TRUTH.

2) Immigration of IVF children born outside the US is strictly on the basis of “biological link” as per prevailing laws, so if an IVF child is in the US with “no biological link” with anyone, were any LAWS broken?

3) It is required to declare an ongoing pregnancy when filing divorce in US so that the court can decide the best interest of the children. What if an ongoing IVF pregnancy in India is NOT declared in a US court divorce filing, how will the “best interest of the child” be protected? Does the US condone such behavior where an adult in the US can place an “order” in foreign countries like India for an IVF child and later change their mind and abandon the IVF pregnancy? What are the rights of the abandoned IVF child? What are the rights of the left-behind IVF parent? How do they move forward?

4) By having false medical records, we cannot even begin to get solutions to REAL problems. First one has to overcome the burden of false, authoritative, legal medical records and if they SURVIVE, they can state the FACTS so that we can work on a SOLUTION for the issues. False medical records is both disrespectful to the patient and the caregiver wanting to live a life of truth and dignity. Especially WORSE if there was ABUSE of innocent, voiceless infants because there was SILENCE under threats. When health professionals make false medical claims, it has reverberating effects on innocents including not getting justice they deserve.

5) Divorces happen, its nothing new. What is the future of LGBTI divorces and more specifically children of LGBTI in a divorce? When there is criminal intent, should an IVF child be separated from his primary care provider? Should the child have ANY rights to grow up with his sibling and family and have an active participation in his life? Has the child abandoned his sister he wanted and requested to be alienated from his biological family? Do the RIGHTS of an innocent, voiceless CHILD trump an adult who happens to LIE with criminal intent? What’s the JUSTICE in ROBBING FROM a CHILD? Even International Adoption laws allow for a subsidiarity principle in the best interest of the child to UNITE siblings to grow up together. Do lack of international laws for IVF/surrogacy children mean VICTIMIZING them? It is the principle and we all know the “right” thing to do which is to NOT PUNISH innocent IVF siblings by forcing them to grow up separately for CRIMES they did not commit. And submit ourselves to working for standard, consistent international legal framework for international IVF/surrogacy so that a HEINOUS act like this IVF holocaust does NOT occur again.

Good Things Happen to Good People

Is it true? I was left for dead but miraculously survived due to the love and support of my family. So I for oneDomestic-Violence-Abuse-Against-Men believe in this statement. Question is are my IVF children “good people”? Will “good things” happen to them? Will my innocent, voiceless IVF children be silenced?

The Taliban failed to silence us” – Malala Yousafzai

As per a recent study in the US, there are 65.7 Million family caregivers in the US. Out of which about 33% are male, about 13% are spouse caregivers and less than 4% of the caregivers are below the age of 35. As a young, male, spouse caregiver, I thought I was doing something “good”. In another study, women are 6 times more likely to be divorced or be left alone by their spouses or partners when diagnosed with a traumatic condition. As a spouse caregiver by staying in a marriage, I thought I was doing something “good”.  I was working on “feelings”, something I have been since taught that for men to have “feelings” is like fake jewelry. We are only supposed to show “feelings”, no one actually cares if we have “real feelings”. We will delve on “feelings” and “gender” a little later.

What Lies Underneath

What started out as something simply following your heart and being “good” to fellow human beings turned intoUglyHeart-PrettyFace a massive learning experience. Worse, it has turned into a punishment for my IVF children who are innocent and voiceless. Every marriage has issues, it is the ability to come through it. As a family caregiver, I put my education on hold. As a direct consequence, certain career paths became non-existent especially in the line of finance and business. Money is not everything in life, love is…right, I tried that. The entire relationship became about servitude and slavery to secrecy and lies. You see the “traumatic medical condition” is intersex, something still TABOO and not to be talked about openly. Then how do we DEAL with EFFECTS of INTERSEX to people like us? As victims, how do we get relief without being able to voice our concerns?

1) Because the spouse is intersex, an intersex surgery was needed which was based on a concealment based approach using lies, secrecy, coercion and misinformation. While we had NO evidence until 2013 that the surgery was unnecessary and was torture when the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP. Apparently, we are one of the several “guinea pigs” in medical experimentation of intersex without our knowledge.

2) Because of intersex in the family, there is infertility. Infertility has several solutions but as immigrants to the US, the solutions become limited. International IVF is one of those solutions but immigration rights are still NOT equal for intersex families. While gay and intersex families are different, from a legal perspective, they are treated the same especially when it comes to immigration and marital rights. Till recently, gay marriage was illegal in the US and so was immigration of gay spouses. What is the status for intersex marriage and immigration based on intersex marriage?

LOVE – Have Some Compassion

We have every sympathy for an intersex person and let our actions speak for themselves. What we also have is sympathy for EFFECTS of intersex on families when it comes to infertility, immigration and marital rights. It is a LACK of these rights for intersex families is why the innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister arePushing the Envelope SEPARATED. Maulik became an inadvertent familypreuneur in dealing with intersex issues and effects of an intersex marriage. Family means LOVE and TRUST and RESPECT for each other. There is no room for LIES, SECRECY, and FRAUD. Regardless of whether it is a heterosexual, gay, lesbian, intersex marriage or relationship, LOVE IS defined the SAME way.

If an intersex person has EVERY right to “feel” how they want, does the spouse have a right to “feel” how they want based on the discrimination faced as a member of the intersex family? Are both EQUAL humans? Being intersex is natural and something not in a person’s control but secrecy and lying about it is in a person’s control including STRIPPING rights from an unsuspecting, unknowing spouse.

Certain things ALWAYS remain true even though it may be SHOCKING when they first are revealed and there is a huge resistance to CHANGE. Galileo’s observation that earth revolves around the sun and not the other way around. Even though Galileo was defamed, tortured and humiliated at the time, today we all KNOW he was saying the TRUTH.

In the future, there will be people born with CAIS with male testes and NO ovaries or uterus and have a genetic makeup of “XY”. Just because some doctor chose to LIE and create a FRAUD medical record (a crime) does not make a CAIS person have “ovaries”.  There is a severe traumatic phase when one undergoes this surgery and treatment, a caregiver would know intimately. Can the person be a PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for an infant at the same time? Because the spouse was being “good” with the secrecy and lies, somehow it is OK to separate his son from him now? or to SEPARATE a brother from his sister?

People like Tony Briffa and Edie Windsor are the true faces of LGBTI because they are being HONEST. They are leading the way on how to get EQUAL rights. If gender is based on how someone “feels” and NOT chromosomal makeup like “XX” or “XY” or any other variation, the only thing we “feel” is honesty and respect for LAWS is needed especially in a sacred relationship like LOVE – truth is paramount. If someone’s HUMAN RIGHTS are violated, say the truth and fight for EQUAL rights but do not trample on other people’s human rights by victimizing innocent, unsuspecting people.

Had there been NO intent to lie, cheat, fraud the spouse in an illegal marriage, there would be NO continuation of LIES and FRAUD to separate an innocent son from his sibling and only known biological family at any and all costs.

Do good things happen to good people? Let us hope children are counted as people and not a trophy for infertility and something good does happen to them.