Tag Archives: solution

What is the State of the Union for IVF children and families?

It’s 2014, is it too early to ask for Equal Treatment Under Law for IVF children and families? What is the State of the Union for IVF children and IVF-state-of-the-unionfamilies? If you do the deeds (IVF), you will know the needs (lack of laws).

By not having these laws, the state of the union for IVF children and families are:

1) If there is a DNA mismatch where the sperm sample accidentally got swapped in the clinic, should there be a legal framework where the intended parent can still take the IVF child like a loving parent and have the opportunity to raise them?

2) If a “genetic link” is required between a US parent and a child born outside the US, how will an infertile or dysfertile person who is middle-class ever get a child legally in the US? Is this how US society defines a “parent” or are the Immigration laws not in sync? Can someone misuse this discrepancy and hurt innocent IVF children?

3) If a person gives consent to IVF child and then later changes their mind, thats their right but should there also be laws to hold the adult accountable and responsible for bringing the innocent IVF child into the world and then abandoning them?

4) If a gay or lesbian couple decide to do surrogacy/IVF and only one of the parents has a”genetic link” and during the ongoing iVF pregnancy, what if the the “genetic parent” decides they don’t want the child and files divorce? If the “non-genetic parent” still wants a child, can they legally get the child to the US? What are the rights of the innocent, voiceless IVF child who is now abandoned? What are the rights of an IVF child who is born during a divorce? Do they have same rights as natural born children of an ongoing divorce?

Are these choices representative of a civilized society which also includes a minority population of infertile or dysfertile parents to be? This discrimination needs to stop and the “legal disability” created for IVF families needs to be removed by simply providing laws which have caught up with technology. The lack of laws for IVF children and families is like placing a staircase in front of a wheelchair bound person.

What happens from a “legal perspective” when there is a DNA mismatch?

Given the local laws like in India, an IVF child born to “foreign parents” in India is not considered an Indian citizen despite being born to an Indian citizen surrogate in India. Depending on the “accidental swap”, the “genetic parent” is most likely also another foreigner meaning this law is still applicable. This means an IVF child is land-locked in India but is NOT an Indian citizen. What are the rights of the innocent IVF child? Are they stuck in IVF purgatory?

Instead of playing blame games, it is better to embrace science, truth and facts. Some of the brightest scientific minds like Einstein and Madam Curie made some of the most popular scientific and technological discoveries and innovations by “accident”. Thats how science works and wherever “human hand” is involved. Humans make mistakes, get over it but to punish innocent IVF children for that is inhumane. Let us UNITE in the best interest of all IVF children and families. The right answer is to have adequate laws to address these issues so that adults are held responsible and accountable without endangering the welfare of innocent children. Thats the humane thing to do. Even after all the finger pointing and blame games have subsided – whether years, decades or whatever – the solution will remain the same – its inevitable.

Most people may have front-row seats or sideline seats to the “IVF story”, become a part of it and then one will realize how painful a tragedy it is to be faced with the option of ABANDONING an IVF child after all the years of struggle, anxiety, stress, sleepless nights, and so on. Drain on financial and legal resources is one thing but the inhumanity against your child as a parent is going to rattle any parent – IVF or not. The right answer for the “front-row” and “sideline” is to offer their support to the minority because thats how democracy works through support of majority on issues which do not affect them directly but are humane to other minorities.

It is upto each one of us whether we are Sandy Hatte or Ann Pettway or Edie Windsor? Dealing with the remnants of my innocent, voiceless IVF children who are split and in legal limbo is an issue that can be solved with education and awareness and not secrecy and lies.

Freedom Comes in Decades, Lifetimes, Multi Generations?

Freedom is an elusive word. Some of us forget the ones who fought for our freedom, some of us who havefreedom from shackles freedom do not respect it enough. Most of us are still fighting for freedom in our own ways. Whether it is a spouse who is a victim of domestic violence and abuse fighting for their freedom OR an abducted victim fighting for their freedom OR nations fighting for their freedom OR sexual orientation based freedom OR race based freedom OR gender based freedom OR immigrants fighting for their freedom OR IVF parents fighting for their freedom OR fighting from freedom against secrecy and lies OR fighting for TRUTH.

Historically, all humans who went on to be remembered for their struggles which led into a freedom movement of its own have relied on ONE UNIVERSAL fact – TRUTH. Their demands may NOT be WELCOME at the time but over time even after their death, their demands remain CONSTANT because they were based on TRUTHIf you are LGBT and Black in America, what does freedom mean to you? If you are an immigrant and IVF parent in America, what does freedom mean to you? African-Americans are a minority and a bigger minority than being IMMIGRANT and IVF parent. So at least the mainstream media gets them exposure if no solutions to the issues. As an immigrant and IVF, we don’t even get exposure let alone solutions to our issues caused due to lack of laws. So while we DO NOT want to distract from the ongoing debate on minority RIGHTS in the USA, we want to “take LESSONS” from it. The FACT is IVF brother and sister are SEPARATED because they are IVF and immigrants. If they were NATURAL BORN or were born in the US, they would NOT be SEPARATED. A parent NEVER stops loving his children. And to fight for JUSTICE and a better FUTURE for your children is what every human has been doing for last 10000 years. Being human is NOT about having a career, a great home, a great car, a great status, it IS about building a better FUTURE – thats what humanity is all about or is it?

1) “I consider my nephew’s murder a hate crime,” he told me, his voice laced with bitterness. “They hated his success.” – said US Congressman Elijah Cummings.

Is Vedant, an IVF son, a citizen of India SEPARATED from his primary care provider and his only known biological family under forced silence and threats a HATE CRIME against IVF children and families? Is it because his IVF father is an immigrant and IVF parent? Even if inadvertent, this is the REALITY. What is the solution?

2) “We have famous names of outstanding achievement,” the Rev. Jesse Jackson told me. “We have LeBron. We have Jay Z. We have Barack Obama. But that is not a random sample. What matters is the undercurrent, and it’s pulling our people down.”

We have great names who are following the laws and saying the TRUTH like Edie Windsor, Tony Briffa, Jaclyn Schulz and are an inspiration to us all for their strength and courage to speak the truth. What matters is the undercurrent, and it’s pulling people down. It is what makes people SNATCH away someone else’s freedom to satisfy their personal gains including using secrecy and lies.

3) In June 2013, the US Supreme court issued opinions restricting the reach of affirmative action and the Voting Rights Act. Earlier this month, a jury in Sanford, Fla., acquitted George Zimmerman of all charges, accepting his claim that he had shot and killed a 17-year-old unarmed black youth named Trayvon Martin in self-defense. The 2012 shooting and the 2013 verdict divided the country, but united Black America around the reasonable fear that no black child — especially no black male — is safe from the assumption that he is somehow a threat to the civil order on any street he walks.

In another ruling in June 2013, the US Supreme Court struck down DOMA opening the doors to over a 1000 federal benefits for gay families like immigration for gay families. Also in June 2013, the US Senate passed a landmark immigration reform bill.

What is the validity of spousal LGBTI immigration before 2013 because it clearly shows it was illegal? Is it a crime to LIE and break the laws? Will IVF children of immigrant gay families now be allowed to immigrate to the US regardless of the parent’s gender?

In 2009, SEPARATION of two innocent immigrant IVF brother and sister born in an intersex family and the ONGOING CRISIS of SEPARATION with NO RELIEF for VICTIMS shows that NO IVF child – especially NO IVF child of an IVF father (based on gender) – is somehow a threat to the social order of parenting and should be removed from the father at ANY and ALL costs.

Freedom is elusive. Any loving parent will continue to FIGHT for their children. We fight because we are a parent and also because we are HUMAN. If someone’s human rights are being violated, someone needs to speak up especially if the victims are innocent, voiceless children. Anyone who has gone through IVF understands that IVF is not just a birth or depositing your sample at the IVF clinic, IVF is a JOURNEY. International IVF involving immigration laws (or lack thereof) is a tragedy and the secrecy and lying is abuse and torture because one cannot get relief as a victim without the TRUTH being shared. It’s a roller coaster ride of emotions, finances, upheavals in life, stress, loss of job, and the nail in the coffin is LOSS of the IVF child due to LACK of laws!

It may take weeks, months, years, decades, lifetimes, multi-generations, but it is a FIGHT for TRUTH owed to IVF children and ALL others yet to be born. We need EQUAL rights for IVF children and families NOW. In the interim, we are ready for FALSE accusations, persecution, defamation, injustice, secrecy, lies, a thousand lies to hide one lie, etc. We have already EXPERIENCED this and are somehow still surviving and alive.

It Could Have Been Me – US President Obama

US President Obama: Trayvon Martin Could Have Been Me

Not to distract from the case but instead to “take lessons” from it for other minorities dealing with infertility or acceptancedysfertility. It is about ACCEPTING our realities of today, so we can move forward with a solution for tomorrow.

1) “When Trayvon Martin was first shot, I said that this could have been my son. Another way of saying that is, Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago,” Obama said.

Vedant was separated from his IVF father and only known biological parent because of his father’s gender, a male. When Vedant is 35 years, ALSO a MALE like his father, and if he wants to become an IVF father, will he have EQUAL rights to love and enjoy with his IVF child?

Just like there is “soul searching” to do in race relations, there is “soul searching” to do in “parenting laws” AND true meaning of “best interest of the child”. 

“Become the change you want to see in this world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

2) “I think it’s important to recognize that the African-American community is looking at this issue through a set of experiences and a history that doesn’t go away,” Obama said. “There are very few African-American men in this country who haven’t had the experience of being followed when they were shopping in a department store. That includes me.”

Fathers are DEMONIZED and ALIENATED from their innocent children and this stereotype is USED against them and the children. It is important to recognize the issue of alienated fathers through a set of experiences and a history that doesn’t go away. There are very few ALIENATED children who have not experienced ABUSE at the hands of the ALIENATING parent even though somehow we justify it and NOT take any action against the ABUSIVE parent.

There is NO words to feel or describe the pain of being ALIENATED from your child, NOT even an apology from the government – just ask the mothers AND children from the baby scoop era.

What is alienation DOING to the innocent children?

3) He went on to recount instances when he had heard “the locks click on the doors of cars” as he walked down the street. African-American men are used to getting into an elevator and seeing a fellow passenger “clutching her purse nervously and holding her breath until she had a chance to get off,” he said. “I don’t want to exaggerate this, but those sets of experiences inform how the African-American community interprets what happened one night in Florida,” Obama said. “And it’s inescapable for people to bring those experiences to bear.”

If a woman had used her egg and with help of a sperm donor and surrogate to conceive IVF children, would the SIBLINGS be SEPARATED because of their parent’s GENDER? If a lesbian couple had an IVF child, would the immigration laws affect them adversely in 2009? If a gay couple or an intersex couple had an IVF child in 2009, are the immigration laws the SAME for them? No need to exaggerate this point, but the innocent IVF brother and sister are SEPARATED because of their biological parent’s GENDER and it’s inescapable for fathers to bring these experiences to bear regardless whether you are single father, gay father, intersex father, straight father.

Why FORCE innocent IVF brother and sister to grow up separately? Is it their “fault” to be born IVF? The lack of laws even if inadvertent are resulting in that REALITY.

Rosa Parks was TIRED of racism and she took a stand. A spouse caregiver of intersex was first LIED and CHEATED into a fraud marriage and now his IVF children are being LIED and CHEATED out of their innocent childhoods together. Sometimes we all need a SPARK like Ms. Parks in our lives to have the courage and strength to stand up against wrong and let TRUTH prevail even though it may not be “acceptable” at the time.

4) More generally, Obama lent support to the idea of creating a coalition — of business leaders, elected officials, celebrities, athletes — to address the need for African-American men to feel that they are “a full part of this society.”

IVF fathers regardless of sexual orientation also want to be a “full part of this society” and a “full part of their IVF child’s life”.

Will it take a powerful business leader, a celebrity, athlete, elected official to HIGHLIGHT the issues of IVF children and families? Or intersex families?

5) “If we’re sending a message as a society in our communities that someone who is armed potentially has the right to use those firearms, even if there’s a way for them to exit from a situation, is that really going to be contributing to the kind of peace and security and order that we’d like to see?” asked Obama.

If we are saying that if an intersex and infertile person can fraud unsuspecting, innocent victims, commit marriage fraud marriage, commit immigration fraud, abuse the spouse and child, abandon an IVF child making them STATELESS and placing them in a LEGAL LIMBO, and refuse the two siblings to meet and HAVE NO LEGAL REPURCUSIONS for the secrecy, lying and flagrant violations of multiple laws, is that the kind of society we want for our children? To teach them to lie and violate others’ rights? Instead isn’t it better to be someone like Edie Windosr and FIGHT for your RIGHTS and all others in the process? Or be like Tony Briffa and say the TRUTH and EARN the respect? Or be like Ms. Schulz, an openly MRKH woman inspiring others to be strong and have courage to say the TRUTH. Isn’t it better to live freely with truth than in secrecy and violating laws?

Intersex is a naturally occurring condition meaning more intersex children will be born. Do we want to raise them as a society with truth and respect or secrecy and lies?

Regardless of which side of the debate you are in – pro-life or pro-choice, pro-IVF or natural born children only, pro-LGBTI (Lesbian, Gay, Biexual, Transgender, Intersex) or against, pro-IVF or adoption or remain childless, and so many other variations. The FACT is the IVF child is BORN, now what, do they deserve EQUAL rights as HUMANS or not?

6) “I just ask people to consider if Trayvon Martin was of age and armed, could he have stood his ground on that sidewalk? And do we actually think that he would have been justified in shooting Mr. Zimmerman, who had followed him in a car, because he felt threatened? And if the answer to that question is at least ambiguous, it seems to me that we might want to examine those kinds of laws,” he added.

There was every INTENT to provide a sibling and it was a joint consent to have a second IVF child. If its a crime to ABANDON a natural born child, why is it NOT a crime to abandon an IVF child? Are the needs and rights of an IVF child LESS? What if there was NO second IVF child on the way, could Maulik have ENJOYED watching his IVF son grow up? What if the second IVF child had been declared in the US divorce filing and been ALLOWED to enter the US in 2009 and that way Maulik was NOT SPLIT into raising one child over the other. If there was no IVF Holocaust and if BOTH IVF children were in the US, could Maulik have defended himself and presented the FACTS to the court due to NO mitigating circumstances? Is this a case of fait accompli? Has the “best interest of the children” been honored?

If the answer is at least ambiguous, it seems that we ought to examine non-existence of laws for IVF children and families, intersex families.

Let us HOPE that we do NOT have to wait till 2039 (when Vedant turns 35) to get EQUAL rights for IVF children and families. I have faith our society can do better. In 2013, the US Supreme Court allowed gay marriage and federal benefits like immigration for gay families was allowed. If these laws existed in 2009, would Maulik have been able to UNITE his IVF children and NOT be separated?

What is it like living as an African American and LGBT in the US in 2013? What is it like living as an immigrant and IVF parent in the US? The answer to the latter is you live in EXILE outside the US because your IVF child is NOT welcome to the US or an IVF parent after all the struggles of infertility or dysfertility can ABANDON or give up the IVF child for ADOPTION outside the US and live a luxurious life in the US without their IVF child. What are the rights of the IVF child?

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Solutions for the Future – IVF and Caregiver

Being a spouse in a dysfunctional intersex marriage takes a toll. Frankly, its great to be left alive. Speaking up for Be Differentyour own rights is every human’s right or is it? Speaking up for innocent, voiceless children’s rights is every parent’s right or is it? Will TRUTH be allowed to prevail? Will TRUTH be part of the solution for the future?

Looking for an Erin Brockowich or “Pam Landy” from the movie “The Bourne Ultimatum”. Anyone willing to give it ALL to uncover the TRUTH and provide relief to the VICTIMS?

Solution for IVF children

While we are witnessing an undercurrent of change in gay, lesbian, transgender rights as more states and countries are passing equal marriage laws, another minority is being ignored, IVF (in vitro fertilization) children. Infertile heterosexuals, single parents, lesbians, gays, intersex have three options to have a child.

1) Be childless or 2) Adopt or 3) Use technology like IVF to have a biological child if possible.

While heterosexual marriages have been legalized for centuries and hence the LAWS are well-established, children of such marriages also have well-established legal standing. Legal adoption also has been around for decades and so laws are well-established in the best interest of the children. What about IVF children of lesbians, gays, intersex families? If the parents are only getting rights now to marry legally, what is the status of their IVF children? As time moves forward in the 21st century, the number of IVF children are going to INCREASE. We need a solution.

As a spouse caregiver of intersex and an IVF father, its a minority within a minority. Being forced into silence and lie while all this occurred did not help. And now there are sections of the society who still want to force me into silence. It is important to speak up not for me only but more so for equal rights for my IVF children and others like us.

I am NOT anti-intersex. In fact, people like Tony Briffa and Imogen Callaway and other publicly declared intersex people are role models. Simple reason – they are asking for respect by being honest and truthful. At a personal level, I was cheated, frauded and made to live a life of secrecy and lies. NO MORE. At a legal level, the laws for this case are non-existent and as a result, my IVF children are being punished for our secrecy and lies. This case is more about living a life of thousand LIES rather than intersex or IVF and how secrecy and lies punishes innocent, voiceless victims.

Child is Born Illegally, Now What?

For those who claim intersex are women and its NO BIG DEAL, then why lie about it to a potential spouse? What about rights for my IVF daughter, a woman, who is in a state of LEGAL LIMBO? How can we begin to talk about “protecting legal rights” of someone when their legal status is in LIMBO? Does the innocent child have a right to human rights and child rights? Does the innocent child have rights to a legal identity? Does the innocent child have rights to get a passport? What are the responsibilities and accountability of an IVF commissioning parent when they authorize an IVF pregnancy but later change their mind and abandon it? Are we resorting to “baby making factories” with no respect for basic human decency and dignity? I want EQUAL RIGHTS for my IVF daughter, a WOMAN.

We have evidence and facts to show that my IVF child was brought into this world ILLEGALLY – part of the secrecy and lying agenda of a dysfunctional intersex family. Now where are her EQUAL rights as a human being? If a building is constructed illegally, the local government authorities will either destroy the building as illegal construction or provide a legal recourse through “penalties” to legalize the building. Well, an IVF child has been born illegally, should we destroy her or should we provide a legal recourse to “legalize” her?

Compassion

For those who claim compassion for an infertile and intersex person, was it compassion when a fraud marriage was allowed to continue AFTER it was revealed during the marriage that the person is intersex? Again, the issue is NOT intersex, the issue is lying, cheating and fraud from a personal level. From a legal level, the LAWS do not consider it a legal marriage, so the right answer is to fight for EQUAL rights rather than going around and lying, cheating, and frauding innocent, unsuspecting victims.

Was it compassion enough to stay in a fraud marriage and become a young, male, spouse caregiver in silence and secrecy and respecting the intersex person’s wishes? By the forced secrecy and lying, I was DENIED help and support. Second, the same lies and secrecy are being USED AGAINST me and my IVF children to SEPARATE us today. If the intersex person is a butterfly today, me and my IVF child have witnessed the ugly larvae stage of transition after the Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) during marriage and the Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) following it. Not reporting the crimes of abuse and violence albeit due to medications is today being USED AGAINST me and my IVF children to SEPARATE us. Being a primary care provider for my infant child during these times in silence were some of the best days of my life regardless of my gender. How many young, male, spouse caregivers of intersex do you know? Actions are more powerful than words, we have shown every respect to intersex, probably more so than the medical community who treats them. There are several intersex individuals who have been forced into this surgery which UN Special Rapportuer on Torture called for a STOP followed by a complex web of institutionalized secrecy and lies. They either had this surgery as a child or an adult but how many intersex people had this surgery DURING a marriage? Are there any scientific studies on the effects of this surgery DURING a marriage? Does the spouse have ANY RIGHTS to the truth and effects of this surgery DURING a marriage? Or is he a hostage and a slave to the intersex rights movement and now as a result so are his innocent, voiceless IVF children? Blame the medical system, not the compassionate spouse who did the best a human could do given the deck of cards dealt to him. Have we followed the Yogyakarta principles for LGBTI before they were written?

After years of silence, abuse, violence, lies, victimization, it is our turn to ask for COMPASSION and respect for LAWS. Show us COMPASSION and make a statement NOT against intersex but AGAINST lying and disrespect for LAWS. Show us that TRUTH is appreciated and is the right way forward. Years of secrecy and lying has led to punishment for innocent, voiceless IVF children. NO MORE.

Sometimes as a heterosexual IVF father, I feel it may be better off being “gay” in 2013 for the sake of my IVF children. Personally, I would continue to live as an heterosexual but publicly I would represent being gay so that my IVF children would get their EQUAL rights. Because in 2013, a gay father with IVF children is celebrated and has all the sympathies and compassion but a heterosexual IVF father has his children SEPARATED. How does the gender or sexual orientation of a parent matter in securing EQUAL child rights? Being a primary care provider for my infant child during these unique times in silence were some of the best days of my life regardless of my gender. Socially, we do need to evolve to accept the TRUTH.

Punish me for NOT reporting the crimes and abuse and for showing compassion and send a message accordingly  for the future. But please SPARE my innocent, voiceless IVF children and allow them to grow up together rather than separating them and punishing them who have committed NO CRIMES. As any passionate and loving parent, thats my prayer on behalf of my children.

Blame Game or Solution?

Here are two sensitive, complex cases about innocent children. As good natured humans, we try our level best toInside Matters do the right thing, but what happens when something goes awry like a bad science fiction story? Do we resolve to BLAME GAMES or look for a SOLUTION?

Case 1 : IVF Child Stranded

In a recent case of in vitro fertilization (IVF), a US couple was having a child in India through IVF and surrogacy. As per media reports, the plan was to use the husband’s sperm, an anonymous egg donor and surrogate which would mean the only DNA connection is with the father. As per US immigration laws, a child born outside the US must have a “biological link” to one parent in order to be allowed to come to the US immediately. As it were, there was an accident and a happy moment turned into a horror story. The IVF clinic accidentally swapped the samples and therefore rendering the innocent IVF child with NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION with the US couple. They would fail a DNA test and the innocent child is stranded. Whose fault is it? Is it the innocent IVF child’s fault? Is it the loving commissioning parent’s fault? Is it the IVF clinic’s fault? Is it the medical professionals fault?

Instead of playing the BLAME GAME, it is important to recognize that to err is human. And accidents happen. Now we must move forward, provide a solution and a legal recourse in the best interest of the child. Or is it?

Case 2: IVF Child Abused

In another case, an IVF child also born in India, was taken to the US and attempted breastfeeding by a genetic Male Breastfeedingmale while on female hormonal treatment. The issue is there was no lactation and the innocent IVF infant was left to cry incessantly as he was hungry. The issue is not the “attempt to breastfeed” by a genetic male, the issue is refusal to feed a hungry infant through alternative means. Is that child abuse? Is it the innocent child’s fault? Is it the genetic male’s fault for trying to breastfeed? Do we blame a group of the society at large who place too much importance on motherhood = breastfeeding? Should gay couples be allowed to breastfeed their children? Is it the medical professionals fault for not taking scientific facts into account of the competing effects of female hormonal treatment AND lactational hormones?

Instead of playing the BLAME GAME, it is important to recognize that to err is human. And accidents happen. Now we must move forward, provide a solution and NEVER subject another voiceless infant to hunger just to satisfy a genetic male under medication wishlist of breastfeeding.

Case 3 : IVF Debate – Personal or Public Policy Issue?

Being gay is a personal issue but gay rights is a public policy issue. Opting for IVF is a personal issue but IVF child rights is a public policy issue.

The perils of IVF are many. The perils of HUMAN CLONING are many. As a society, while we run to help infertile people to have a child through IVF, have all different scenarios been accounted for and appropriate LAWS been passed protecting the basic human rights of ALL? Or are we just moving the cheese?

We look for SOLUTIONS as we go to the next frontier, where no human may have gone before. We bring with us our heart, our mind, and all sum of our knowledge as a humankind to put our best foot forward.