Tag Archives: silence

You Don’t Know Until It Happens To You – Could it be You?

Teach your child to never betray someone they truly love. Whether its your parents, siblings, spouse, children or others, if you truly love them then do not abuse, lie, and force secrecy. Its love, but not for someone else, its love for thyself which is not a crime but breaking laws, abuse, violence, fraud, cheating, lying are crimes. After a continued life of secrecy and lies having to watch your children suffer due to the secrecy and lies; it is not fair to them and the millions of other children like them.

You don’t know until it happens to you. Maybe the age-old saying does have some truth to it after all. Less than 16% of couples IVF mattersexperience infertility while 50% of marriages end up in divorce. So most people may have knowledge about the family law system but far fewer know about fertility in a marriage. Add the secrecy and stigma to fertility issues and there is hardly a chance of the “word getting out”. If we continue to live in secrecy, how will we usher in change? How will we make it a better place for others and our children? Any person who is trying to have a child – straight, single, gay, DSD/intersex, lesbian – this could have been you being separated from your IVF child because of lack of laws.

Most Americans we know are conscientious, compassionate and want to know the truth. USA is a nation of immigrants. But majority of the population has not experienced immigration first hand. And so the “ongoing lot” of immigrants are again a minority and most people would not know the immigration laws until it happens to them. Statistically, there are 1 in 2000 people who are intersex/DSD and people with Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) are 1 in 20000 – again another rare minority. Now imagine if a family had to experience all these four minorities combined together? Imagine doing it in silence. Imagine no one being able to understand what it means to go through this and be able to survive and be alive. Imagine the children of such a family and their fate? Where do we even begin to make sense and how many “layers” of lack of laws, human rights, equitable justice, etc, etc etc do we have to go through before people begin to understand the several complications. Not to mention, the secrecy and lies does NO HELP in the education and awareness process.

There is no doubt that people who are CAIS and undergo a surgery (which has been called for a STOP by the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture) are under severe trauma and depression. Do they need time to recoperate? How much time? Can a person under severe trauma and depression enough to be called torture also be a primary care provider for an infant? What about the abuse and violence that was perpetrated on innocent victims during this stabilization process? There are studies, recommendations which are now coming out for people with Disorders of Sexual Development (DSD), are there any studies for spouse and children of DSD who also suffered through the surgery and its treatment in silence? Is there any trauma for them? There is a lack of laws situation for people with DSD including not being able to marry legally, or being able to immigrate as a spouse, or being able to legally have a child through IVF. So does it make it OK to lie, cheat and fraud an unsuspecting spouse into a fraud marriage? get immigration illegally? get a IVF child illegally? Since the laws have NOT changed, other DSD people still cannot repeat this. Since the laws have NOT changed, the innocent IVF children are placed in legal limbo due to the suppression of the facts. Since the laws have not changed, the fertility rights for LGBTI families are non-existant. If there is domestic violence against a male spouse in a LGBTI marriage, are there any laws to protect them?

The right thing is to teach our children to love and show compassion to fellow human beings no matter what. Becoming a family caregiver instead of walking away is a proud moment to be celebrated most importantly for the parents of the caregiver because they raised their child right. It is better than parents who teach children to lie, fraud an unsuspecting spouse. It is better than someone splitting innocent and defenseless IVF siblings just because they cannot have a child. It is better than someone who abandons an IVF child, a deliberate pregnancy. The question is not if someone can become a good parent, the question is WHEN? And how much abuse and violence was endured by others during the ongoing medical treatment under severe depression and trauma?

You don’t know until it happens to you – intersex, immigration, infertility, invisibility. And then to have the same secrecy and lies repeated on your innocent, defenseless IVF children. The actions to support equal human rights never stopped. It was limited to intersex and immigration earlier. Now we have added IVF children and families. And all can benefit by the truth, not secrecy and lies as we have already experienced. In a few years from now, when the IVF children are grown and are adults, maybe we will live in a world where gay marriage is NOT taboo, IVF families are NOT taboo, DSD/intersex is NOT taboo. And so correspondingly there will also be laws to represent the societal needs. What will the IVF children want – truth or lies?

IVF Parent Wish List…

The lack of laws is creating an impossible mountain to overcome for IVF children and families much like a staircase for a person in a wheelchair. Help us to self-help ourselves. We don’t want pity, just laws for protecting our basic human rights and have an opportunity to be treated equally.

An IVF parent never tires, its ingrained in their DNA. Most people who become an IVF parent have experienced failure before success of  birth of a lovelyIVF-Wish-List IVF child. Every IVF parent’s journey is unique and not giving up is in their DNA. Even after multiple rounds of IVF treatment and failure, an IVF parent continues to find innovative ways to have a child. In every IVF parent is a very strong person overcoming several challenges, sadly, sometimes in silence and isolation due to the secrecy and stigma with infertility or dysfertility. The discrimination against IVF parent based on gender and biology is causing discrimination against IVF children and its time to begin to petition for a change. Stop dehumanizing children for personal benefit and rise above for the greater good. Currently, asking for basic if not equal rights for IVF children and families is the wake before the Brown V. Board of Education or Roe V. Wade or [Interracial marriage] V State of Virginia or the civil rights movement or the latest being DOMA’s revocation. We are beginning an IVF Movement for future rights of IVF children and families.

Theodore Roosevelt’s quote, “Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those timid spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live In the grey twilight that knows nether victory nor defeat.

Most people DO NOT know or understand what an IVF parent goes through. Statistically as per CDC data, about 1% of all child births are through IVF. Statistically, only 1 in 3 IVF attempts are successful. By conservative estimate, that would mean about 3% of the parents have experienced and attempted IVF resulting in success or failure. When you extend the number to the general population, the number is even smaller because not everyone is a parent in the general population. So we are talking about a very small minority of total population who actually have the experience of IVF. The medical doctors, the supporting medical staff help with IVF and are integral part of the IVF journey but do not go through the same roller coaster rides of emotions, finance, immigration, laws, etc. The IVF ecosystem is large – donors, surrogates, intended parents, and yes, most importantly the IVF child who physically go through the roller coaster rides of emotions, anxiety, sleepless nights, silence, isolation, keeping a happy face outside but crying on the inside, financial issues, legal issues, immigration issues, etc. Statistically, most people DON’T know or understand what an IVF parent goes through unless truth is allowed to be shared. Is silencing an IVF parent a sophisticated form of white collar crime and advanced child abduction and/or retention for personal benefit? What is the best interest of the child?

We begin the IVF Parent Wish List AFTER the Birth of an IVF child and in the best interest of the IVF child. Its been 35 years since the first IVF child was born, is it time to come out of secrecy and start asking for scientific information and legal rights for IVF children and families. If I had enough money as an IVF parent, I wish to…

1) Move Forward for Change – Advocate and donate huge sums for medical research on IVF children’s health, well-being and long-term needs like Michael J. Fox advocates about Parkinson’s disease.

2) Get a Celebrity Endorsement To Raise Awareness – Advocate for equal laws for IVF children and families by speaking the truth like Magic Johnson did by talking about HIV and changing the course of history in terms of medical funds and research for HIV/AIDS. What we need is more scientific data and research and not secrecy and lies.

3) Human Rights and Child Rights – Expose the inhumane conditions and fraud in the IVF industry where some rogue people have converted into a “baby making factory” with no respect for basic human dignity of an IVF child and others. Children need protection from a new brand of criminal –  IVFphiles. Erin Brockovich, Rosa Parks, Susan Anthony come to mind as inspiration in taking on a flawed system.

4) Scientific Research – Seek to understand the behavioral issues and any other health issues experienced by IVF children due to their unique birth circumstances as studies are now reporting. We need more studies in to help IVF parents and children not more silence and fraud. By accepting the truth and understanding issues if any, we can help innocent children better adjust to life and be all they can be.

5) Better Health – New studies claim that because of the IVF procedure, IVF children maybe at a higher risk of cancer like leukemia. In case an IVF child needs a bone marrow, will the “biological link” help save his life or will the fraud birth documents falsely claiming an intended parent as the biological parent? What is needed is more scientific evidence and not furtherance of secrecy, lies and fraud as it hurts innocent IVF children apart from it also breaking the laws.

6) Best Interest of the Child – There are several parents with children of Down’s Syndrome, ADHD, ADD, cystic fibrosis, Tay-Sachs Syndrome and other medical conditions. As any parent, they are looking for a normal if not better future for their children. They are looking for an environment of basic rights if not equal. Same is true of an IVF parent who wants protection of basic human decency and respect for the IVF children and not to be treated like “property” even if inadvertent. Only sharing of facts and truth can reveal this, silence and secrecy only further victimizes innocents and worse it does not benefit in getting laws changed or passed creating more innocent victims possibly in the future. 

There are several other issues specific to the health and well-being of an IVF child far too complex to go into in 2013. The ethos of USA has been to say the truth to seek change and justice even if spread across decades. Maybe we need to wait a few more years or decades before we are allowed to come out as proud IVF parents facing real issues and challenges instead of being deemed offensive. The bill of rights for IVF children and family has neither been thought of yet nor a priority because it affects a very small minority. Is it OK to continue to victimize the most vulnerable of the vulnerable? For others, a victimized IVF child and denial of their rights and respect as a human being may just be a “statistic”, for an IVF parent the child is their LIFE who deserves basic human dignity if not equal.

Outcaste – Is Silence Abuse?

Silence is Abuse

First Abuse, Then Silenced, Finally Censorship….stay tuned, maybe killing a fertile person for a child is next?

Looking for an Erin Brockowich or “Pam Landy” from the movie “The Bourne Ultimatum”. Anyone willing to give it ALL to uncover the TRUTH and provide relief to the VICTIMS?

खामोश रहकर तू – ना इतने गुनाह कर , कि ख़ुदा भी आकर कहे तुझे – अब बस कर अब बस कर |

Do not commit so many crimes by staying silent that even God will come ask you to stop, just stop.

Intersex people being honest is refreshing. Should spouses of intersex also be allowed EQUAL freedom to deal with the issues they are facing due to lack of laws and discrimination?

Story of Jessica who had family support including her boyfriend in her surgery and the whole family got together because they could be honest with each other. Truth and honesty breeds love.

Story of Cynthia, again another great story of intersex person in Chicago who may be struggling but is happy at being honest and everyone around her accepted her because of her honesty. Truth and honesty breeds love.

Several other such first-hand stories are available about intersex people. Do spouses of intersex have EQUAL rights to voice the story from their perspective even though the intersex person wants to impose silence, lies and dishonesty? How do you deal with complex issues like EQUAL rights for children and EQUAL rights for spouses of intersex without petitioning with facts and truth?

IS SILENCE = ABUSE?

Silence is Abuse