Tag Archives: sibling

IVF Fiction : Top 10 False Claims About IVF Children and Families

Below are 10 claims justifying separating innocent IVF brother and sister, followed by the facts that the assertions ignore or distort. The irony is that bysiblings-together-ivf denying facts, we are denying justice and more importantly not willing to change the laws which means only more innocent victims. When will we wake up and accept the facts and deliver justice? If a mother tries to unite her children, does a father have the same rights to unite his children? More importantly, what do the siblings want – is it about their lives or others lives?

Claim 1 : There is only one child of the marriage.

Fact : When the divorce was filed in the US, the second IVF sibling was on the way and 6 months term in a surrogate’s womb with every intention of having both siblings grow up together. Why was the IVF pregnancy deliberately NOT declared in the divorce petition? Was abandoning the second IVF child pre-meditated? The divorce was filed in July 2009, the second child was born in September 2009, the divorce was granted in May 2010. How is there ONLY ONE child of the marriage? If the siblings were united and no child was abandoned, there would be no discussions or issues. Are we denying rights to innocent IVF children by making them legally invisible? Is this a repeat of baby scoop era simply because IVF fathers, families, children are not yet “socially acceptable”?

Claim 2 : The IVF children born in a marriage have equal rights

Fact: As per prevailing US laws, IVF children born to IVF fathers like Maulik using an anonymous donor and surrogate are considered “child born out of wedlock”. Its confusing, is there a “marriage” or not?

Claim 3 :  IVF children and families have equal rights and are not discriminated

Fact : This is only an issue because an innocent child is being alienated from his siblings and family. Plus, the US laws have been heartlessly enforced on other IVF families to separate loving families. US law requires a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US, the right answer is to fix the law and NOT alienate innocent IVF siblings. When a DNA mismatch occurs, why can’t the innocent IVF child still be allowed to grow with the intended parents if they do not mind? Is parenting based on love and character or biology and gender?

Claim 4 : I am the mother suggesting also the primary caregiver.

Fact : Being a mother and primary caregiver are two separate things. How does a person recovering from multiple severely traumatic surgeries and medical treatments who has taken leave from work due to physical ailments ALSO be a primary caregiver for an infant? One of the surgeries is so severe has been called for a STOP by the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture – what are the effects of this torturous treatment to the patient, spouse and children around them? There is sympathy and compassion and maybe someone else took the position of “primary caregiver” – maybe the other adult in the family – Maulik, the biological IVF father? In an IVF family where a child is born using an anonymous egg donor and surrogate and the father is the primary caregiver during the tender years of the IVF child, who is the “stereotypical mother”? More importantly, what are the feelings of the innocent child who has bonded with the father based on facts and not stereotypes?

Claim 5 : I love the child.

Fact : No one doubts that. But do you love yourself more? Do others love the child LESS? One cannot abandon a sibling to get custody of her brother. What will the brother and sister feel by denying them a childhood together? Do the innocent IVF children have basic human dignity and respect or are they property to be trafficked and abandoned and placed in legal limbo with no regard for their humanity? Denying facts is denying justice. There are still people in this world who deny the Nazi holocaust, is that justice for the millions of victims and survivors?

Claim 6 : This marriage is legal.

Fact : This is an intersex marriage. Any laws are based on a simple fact – that it should be repeatable. Can other intersex people ALSO legally marry in India, immigrate to the US as a derivative spouse of a marriage and get US citizenship as per prevailing laws? The right answer is to accept the facts, change the laws for all intersex families instead of creating victims out of people who tried to give human rights to people where government itself felt short. Are human rights of such people protected? Or is the message to NOT help intersex people?

Claim 7 : The son deserves to be with his [biological] father.

Fact : This is what the US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said in 2009 about a son, Sean Goldman, in Brazil being united with his father in the US. Sean was living with his biological maternal grandparents and step-father, were they not giving him food, shelter, education, opportunity for growth or was he being abused – the “standard” gauges used by courts? The rights answer is do the right thing. Why is Vedant being alienated from his father, his primary caregiver, his sister, his extended biological family?

Claim 8 : Intersex people have equal rights, IVF families have equal rights.

Fact : Intersex people cannot legally marry, cannot have children genetically. US laws require a “genetic link” between US parent and child born outside the US. Then how does an intersex person legally get a child to the US? Abandoning a sister to get her brother is not the right answer. Breaking the laws for one person while others are still being victimized is not the right answer.

Claim 9 : IVF fathers are NOT discriminated, more importantly, his IVF children are not discriminated.

Fact : The IVF son is in the US on an Indian passport. If he is a US citizen because his father is a US citizen then given the same logic, his sister in India is also a US citizen. Why is she being DENIED a US passport? More importantly because both IVF siblings are land-locked on two separate continents, they have NEVER met. Where is the humanity, the logic to punish innocent victims for crimes they did not commit? You can fool them now as they are voiceless and too young but once they grow up, what answer will you give them – love? Truth and facts go a lot farther. Changing laws to fit the needs of the 21st century is the right answer, SPLITTING innocent siblings is not. In January 2014, Secretary Kerry issued a policy where IVF mothers who have no genetic link but gave birth to IVF children would be considered “at par” as mothers for passing US citizenship rights to IVF children. This is after years of showing rigidity. It was also made retroactive, a rare occurrence. Why not something similar for immigrant IVF father and his IVF children if not for his sake then at least for his innocent IVF children’s sake?

Claim 10: IVF family rights are isolated and rare

Fact : White, black, Asian, others, single, straight, gay, intersex fathers are ALL affected by the lack of IVF laws if they attempt to have a child through IVF. There can be a DNA mismatch, they may be immigrants, and so on. Worse, the gender of a “biological father”  is being inadvertently used to punish his IVF children – why? This problem will need to be solved in the 21st century – the sooner, the lesser innocent victims, the lesser lost childhoods.

We are confident that in the future there will be equal LGBTI rights, there will be equal IVF children and family rights. But abandoning an IVF child will still remain a crime, it will still remain a crime against the humanity of the innocent IVF child. If we have laws to protect innocent children from pedophiles, why are there no laws to protect children from IVFphiles? Moving forward with truth is the only way forward.

Happy Women’s Day – From the Eyes of an IVF Girl and Father

It’s March 8th and wish everyone a Happy Women’s Day. We all have very special women in our lives. Children of gay parents also have some special womens-day-ivfwomen in there lives starting with the compassion of the donor and surrogate to be thankful for. It is the gift of life. Let us celebrate daughters, mothers, sisters, wives, companions, friends who reinforce humanity still exists.

As an immigrant, IVF father I have been taught heartlessly that follow the laws and do not follow your heart. Worse, my innocent IVF children must be punished for my gender and for crimes they did not commit. Any parent – IVF or otherwise, mother or father, that’s where we draw the line. Abuse me, its one thing, abuse my innocent children, its a whole another issue. I refuse to agree with the “system” that following your heart is wrong and I have several women who have shown me why. Without these women, as an immigrant, IVF father who is abused and his IVF children are abused with no justice, one may have thought differently. I am blessed to have several women in my life to thank for that and today I wish them all a happy woman’s day. A person is NOT defined by how they look on the outside but its the inside that counts. We patiently wait till laws catch up and stop discriminating innocent IVF children based on their birth type and parentage.

First, it is my lovely IVF daughter. As a future woman, what should I tell her and how should I raise her? I think truth is the best option which can be told depending on her increasing levels of maturity. Any lies will have disastrous long-term effects on her own life and others around her. I am blessed to have her in my life as she brought out the best in the community. It showed humanity still exists. Not a single person has told me that it is wrong to have saved my daughter rather than abandoned her except the laws. People often confuse fight of an IVF parent Vs. fight for equal rights for IVF children. People often use references like “Frankenstein”, “Aquarium”, “child born out of wedlock”, etc. to define the IVF process and somehow its related “flaws”. Regardless of how one feels about IVF, once the innocent child is born, you are calling my IVF children such vicious names. Please do not call my child ugly – no parent wants to hear that regardless of what the situation is. If you cannot show compassion or humanity, it is better to stay silent – something a mother, a woman teaches to their children.

We thank the compassion of the donor and surrogate for allowing us to be blessed with the presence of our lovely IVF daughter. After years of failed IVF attempts to finally be successful, it was a blessing. One cannot think of abandoning her despite the circumstances. It would be a crime against humanity against the innocent, voiceless IVF child and it would be disrespecting the compassion and heart showed by the egg donor and surrogate.

We celebrate my mother, her grandmother who in her golden years instead of slowing down raised an infant girl single-handedly. She had lot of support from my father, the grandfather and several other fellow women in the community who brought her clothes, toys, spent time playing with her as an infant, helped my mother soothe and get through the tsunami of IVF. It truly does take a village to raise an abandoned IVF child. I was distraught, traumatized, almost frozen but my mother showed how to live only how a woman can. She is the pillar of why we need women in our lives. Despite her failing health, she raised my daughter with all the love and care, without fearing a conservative society, and took charge of saving an abandoned girl child. I have one life but my parents have given me birth twice and literally saved my life after this most traumatic events.

We celebrate my sister, the aunt to my daughter, who dropped everything at the drop of a hat and rushed by my daughter’s side when she was born. She has two daughters of her own who were in school and had exams but saving the abandoned infant seemed more important. Her spouse, my brother-in-law took care of the home chores and ensuring their daughters do not miss any thing out of school. Since my family was from the “boys side”, there were lot of inherent “stereotypes” to counter, lot of abuse one has to counter, but my sister and family steadfastedly stood their by my daughter’s side and did what they needed to do to get her home – safe and secure. The abuse against my gender was taken out against my innocent daughter and family including innocent women and seniors. At least the “boys side” of the family was there by the infant’s side. There is a “maternal instinct” that kicks in every woman which I could sense from thousands of miles away while in the US as my family would keep me updated over the phone. In my distraught state, I helplessly felt they were the best thing that happened to my IVF daughter whom I could not see after years of failed IVF attempts. The IVF journey itself was very exhausting that I could not get to the “last mile” of the IVF journey. I am blessed to have a sibling, a sister, who gives you unconditional love. More importantly, both my IVF children are blessed to have an aunt who has steadfastedly stood by them right since their birth. We celebrate siblings, celebrate sisters, celebrate mothers, celebrate family – where women are not just the back bone of a family but the bone one needs when tsunami strikes. Sadly, such sibling love is being stolen from my innocent IVF children by separating them.

I have been blessed to be married to a woman who is very loving, caring and understanding. She has taken to my daughter like a mother. She is patient with me as I still struggle through the discrimination, abuse and lack of due process and justice. She understands the fight is for the IVF children and not of men Vs. women. Sadly the archaic laws were written when fathers alone may not have been the “legal parent” and this places innocent IVF children who are siblings in legal limbo and abuses their human rights. Her patience and love allows an opportunity to have some semblance of a normal life – a soothing feeling to the everyday trauma. We are also blessed with a lovely child who is not discriminated against by laws since birth – a common feeling for most parents; a welcome surprise for an immigrant, IVF father – why should a parent’s actions be used against an innocent child? What about their human rights?

All the women in my life have taught one thing which is to live happily. The true worth of any person is to be able to live freely and enjoy freedom of expression and respect laws. The women in my  life are allowing me an opportunity to live freely and have taught me that there is nothing wrong in following your heart even if the laws have not caught up. 

Happy Women’s Day!

Bridging the Gap Between Morals, Ethics, Laws in IVF

Is there a difference between morals, ethics and laws? Or maybe the better question to ask is there a difference between immorality, unethical and ethics-morals-laws-ivfillegal? In most situations, everyone knows this happens and people are willing to let it slide. Maybe you saw someone misbehave with a lady and you let it slide or some people may not consider infidelity as unethical or immoral and it certainly is legal. While as adults we may let things slide as “none of my business” or “to each their own” or “I must do something”, as parents we have to ACT and teach our children the difference between right and wrong, the difference between morals, ethics, and laws. When it comes to children, should all three be the SAME? Or is that what the intent is for parents? Or should there be a “GAP” between morals, ethics, laws when raising good children – our future?

Historically, the morality gauge of a society changes first, then ethics, and finally the laws. Like over time people accepted gay rights to where there are laws. In the modern times it has taken a few decades for this. When will it be time to have social acceptance and equal laws for IVF children and families?

As per laws, a genetic link is required between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Therefore, an infertile US person cannot get a child (like an IVF child) born outside the US legally into the US. That would be breaking the law and is illegal. While finding someone who IS fertile, have an IVF child, get the IVF child into the US and then dump the fertile parent and alienating the innocent child from the biological parent is OK for the child? Is that immoral and illegal? Or what if a lawyer who helps an infertile immigrant pull this conspiracy off by abandoning an innocent IVF child in India who is the sibling of the child (that he wanted) the infertile person claims to love. Is that unethical, immoral and illegal from the IVF children’s perspective? A lawyer may have been “ethical” to their client but what about the fact that they helped in abandoning an IVF child and making them “legally invisible”? If a lawyer finds out their client has broken the law and especially where the welfare of a child is endangered, what are the ethics, morals and laws of disclosing that to the court and/or appropriate authorities? What is it to treat an innocent, IVF infant like a “tool”? What is it to use an innocent IVF sister as a “tool” against her IVF brother? Do innocent IVF children who are born have equal rights as other children?

We always hear “the best interest of the child”. What is the “best interest of children” in splitting two lovely innocent IVF brother and sister?

Is abandoning a natural born child different than IVF child? It should not be  but legally it is different. IVF children end up in legal limbo. What are the rights of the IVF child who was consented to by an adult but later the adult decided against it? What should one do with the abandoned IVF child? Unlike natural births, IVF births are deliberate and planned and comes with a more heightened sense of responsibility and accountability towards the IVF child, the donor and surrogate. When you abandon an IVF child, you are also abandoning the humanity of others including the donor and surrogate.

Are the needs of a natural born child any different than an IVF child? There shouldn’t be any difference but legally it is different. While it is a crime to abandon a natural born child, there is NO crime to do so with an IVF child (wonder if human cloning is ever allowed, is this what people will do?). While an adult will be held accountable and responsible for abandoning a natural born child, the abandoning IVF parent has no obligation towards the IVF child. Is that because the IVF child has been made “legally invisible”? It that ethical and moral and illegal against the innocent child?

Do the right thing – thats what we tell our children. Here are a few things done right:

1) DO NOT give human rights to others in private, be vocal and be public about it. The person receiving the “equal treatment” (where government itself falls short like gay rights, intersex rights, fertility rights, immigration rights) may turn it around against you. Is that immoral, unethical and illegal?

2) DO NOT break the laws for your spouse. Love, compassion, help are all one-way streets and those things are not returned to you. If you show love, compassion, help to others where laws itself fall short, when the lies are used against you, no one will help you and instead hold you “equally accountable.” Is that moral, ethical and legal? The only crime committed is not reporting the crimes which is not same as committing the crimes or intent to commit crimes.

3) DO NOT get blackmailed by liars and criminals who break laws. They will get in trouble and so will you. Worse, your innocent, voiceless IVF children may get in trouble too for no fault of theirs other than to be born IVF.

4) The RIGHT thing to do is to educate and advocate for equal rights and let the government do the right thing by passing equal rights and laws so you can also follow laws. Trying to do the “right thing” on your own like helping an infertile person have a child when it is not allowed legally, or being married to an intersex person when it is not allowed legally, or sponsoring immigration of an intersex spouse when it is not allowed legally, it will only get you in trouble and worse your innocent children in trouble. These crimes are so heinous that it pales the abuse, domestic violence and cruelty and suffering that one may have endured in trying to give equal rights to an immigrant intersex person.

Inspired by Dale Henson, IVF is here to Stay, where are the equal rights for IVF children and families?

Recently, Dallas TV reporter made one point clear that it is important to be on the right side of history and given time, things will change with greater it-could-have-been-yousocial acceptance. We need to speak TODAY with our eye on the FUTURE. In the meantime, innocent victims are being created. In 2014, a gay man coming out in NFL is “news”, will it be news in 5-10-200 years from now? More importantly, does he have equal rights? What are the rights of an immigrant IVF father and his IVF children in 2014? When will it be socially acceptable to have loving IVF fathers and not PUNISH their innocent IVF children for being born to a male?

An IVF father spends sleepless nights in US because of anxiety and calling to India to know the status of his IVF child in a surrogate’s womb in India but his “love” is “less”.

An IVF father travels across the globe multiple times to have lovely IVF children but thats not “enough” of a sacrifice and love to have equal laws.

An IVF father is denied his joy and celebration on birth of his first child 3 days before father’s day because an infertile person must not be “outed”. The feelings of an overjoyed IVF father who spent endless months of sleepless nights are LESS than the emotions of an infertile person wanting to keep everything secret. Isn’t the point to love and celebrate the child more important than a secretive, lying adult?

What happens when an immigrant IVF father tries to give human rights to a person where laws itself fall short? Are his and his IVF children’s rights protected also? Is it OK to cannibalize human rights of others to achieve your own or is it a greater good to petition for change in laws rather than break the laws?

If we can break laws for intersex, immigrant, infertile adults today, is it still a crime and will it always remain a crime to abandon an innocent, voiceless IVF child with no responsibility and/or accountability? Get on the right side of history.

An IVF father cares for his IVF child (primary caregiver) because his spouse is undergoing medical treatment but thats not “enough” of a sacrifice love to have equal laws.

Who is the “mother” or the question is who is the “primary caregiver” who shares a close bond with the child meaning what does the child want? Is the “mother” the egg donor with the genetic link or the surrogate who carried the child during the pregnancy or is it the primary caregiver through his tender years? What is the child’s “mother tongue” – the language any child learns to speak first based on their proximity and bond with their primary caregiver.

An IVF father changes his job so that he can spend more time with his IVF child while raising him but thats not “enough” of a sacrifice and love to have equal laws.

An IVF father changes diapers, feeds the child, does not abuse the child by wanting to breastfeed or shaking or snapping at him, puts him to sleep, singing home made lullabies on how the IVF father waited half a world away for his IVF child to arrive but thats not “enough” of “love” to have equal laws.

An IVF father takes the IVF child to golf days or library days or zoo days or museum days or play dates but thats not “enough” of “love” to have equal laws.

An IVF father wants to provide his child his wish, a SIBLING – again through IVF but thats not “enough” of “love” and both the IVF father and the innocent IVF child should be DENIED the love of another child/sibling. It must be a heinous crime for an IVF father to want to provide a sibling for his IVF child. Get on the right side of history.

An IVF father is placed in a Sophie’s Choice predicament in the Nazi times, pick one child over the other. Is any parent’s love divided among their children or is it shared? But thats not “enough” of “love” to have equal laws.

A gay father can tell the truth to his daughter but an IVF father cannot tell the truth to his IVF child lest an infertile person’s rights be offended. Do other people have rights including innocent IVF children?

A gay immigrant cannot bring his child born outside the US through IVF, neither can an intersex immigrant IVF father. Equality.

It is a crime to forcefully breastfeed infants by males due to lack of milk but the infant has no rights and deserves to be abused.

It is a crime to abandon a child but not when it is an international IVF child – maybe their lives are not as precious, is that what the IVF brother will think  about his IVF sister he wanted – get on the right side of history.

It is a crime to suppress facts to the court, lie to the court, perjury, filing false cases, but that’s OK because the rights of a secretive, lying adult are more CRITICAL than the rights of innocent, voiceless IVF children.

US laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and child born outside the US but that’s OK, we will just steal a child “legally” from a loving IVF father much like the “baby scoop era” and give the child to a non-genetic parent instead of changing the laws. How about getting on the right side of history?

Can one achieve human rights by cannibalizing the human rights of others? What are the rights of an intersex spouse caregiver who is frauded, lied, abused? What are the rights of immigrant, IVF fathers? More importantly, what are the rights of IVF siblings of an immigrant, IVF father?

Do current US laws which are anti-IVF create situations like Sandy Hatte, Ann Pettway where women are forced to steal, lie, fraud, cheat children from other people? More importantly, what are the rights of the child? Do they deserve to live freely? Do they deserve to grow up lovingly and carefree? Do they deserve to grow up with siblings? Do they deserve to learn to be compassionate and loving and if you follow your heart, one cannot go wrong despite the unequal laws?

Instead of saying a thousand lies to hide one lie, how about just getting on the right side of history and providing equal rights for IVF children and families. It is inevitable. Do it now while we can still save innocent childhoods rather than apologies later.

Who Needs Siblings?

Two Siblings, Two Continents, Never Met – Why? Siblings are good because… Siblings Forever

  1. They help you realize it’s important to hug, kiss and share. Like sharing a child with an infertile person.
  2. They teach you the first lesson in forgiveness and forget – one minute you are at each other’s throat, the next minute you are playing together like the two happiest people in the world. Like when as an adult you find out your spouse cheated you and broke the laws but you move on.
  3. They teach you the first lesson in teamwork. For example when immigration laws are against IVF children and families, it is important to work as a team to get your rights as individuals from the government.
  4. They teach you compassion and love for a fellow human being. Parents give unconditional love to every child ideally, emotions coming from a sibling are special. Like for example, if your spouse is sick and needs care but wants secret, you don’t leave your spouse instead you respect their feelings out of love and compassion and you serve as a silent caregiver despite the abuse unto you.
  5. Older siblings get their first lesson of responsibility and care when helping and watching their parents care for little babies. Something an innocent child is missing because of secrecy and lies.
  6. They give a sense of a family. After all kids like playing with other kids and not adults all the time. It is upto the parents how to nurture the sibling bond into adulthood. Siblings can have different bonds. A traditional bond between blood sisters or brother-sister or brothers. Then there are “special bonds” between twins or triplets, then there are special bonds of a blended family, then there are special bonds between siblings who are adopted into a family, then there are special bonds between siblings who are born through IVF. It is more about thinking from the perspective of the child than anyone else. Why deny this opportunity of siblings?
  7. There is the sibling rivalry – whether it is nurtured into love or hate depends on how parents treat the siblings. Spiteful, Prejudiced, taking sides, selfish parents may not nurture a healthy relationship between siblings and the innocent siblings end up hating each other. They maybe enacting acts out of selfishness without realizing it is hurting a healthy relationship between siblings.
  8. Siblings have your back no matter what.
  9. If you are an Immigrant, international IVF parent and are unable to be present for your IVF child’s birth, your sibling will rush by the side of your new born IVF baby. You can’t pay someone to do that – thats family.
  10. If you are an immigrant, international IVF parent and your IVF child is abandoned but you cannot be there, your sibling will drop everything in their life, their work, their kids school just to be by the side of your new born IVF child AND fight against the abusive IVF clinic for the rights of the child – thats family.
  11. Siblings can help you create fraud documentation claiming you as a biological parent even though medically one is infertile – thats family.
  12. Siblings can help you lie and steal and keep your secrets – thats family.
  13. Siblings can help you break laws and keep your secrets – thats family.
  14. Either way whether they rescue your child or rescue you with lies and breaking the laws, it seems like siblings are the ones who rescue you when in need because there are very few other people we can confide in as adults.
  15. Then why deny an existing sibling to an innocent child – a sibling he wanted? Why deny an opportunity to make a sibling bond? Is this selfless love of a parent or selfish love? 

It is one thing to divorce but to split up innocent siblings AND place them in legal limbo deliberately takes ABUSE to a whole another level. It is traumatic to be infertile but that does not mean one can go around spreading lies, breaking laws, abusing people, abusing innocent children, violating basic human rights and child rights of innocent children. It is true that infertile immigrants don’t have fertility rights, so stand up and fight for rights rather than abusing others and living as a criminal. Its a far better lesson to teach an innocent child than any “love”. Even when unmarried gay couples split, both parents get practical co-parenting with the innocent children and siblings are NOT split. But if you are an immigrant, intersex IVF family in the 2000s, it is such a terrible crime that not only the child is separated from his biological family but also from his siblings and dehumanized due to lack of legal identity – the price of criminality, secrecy, lies and breaking laws. Even after 60 years, siblings UNITE from North and South Korea showing the love for each other and how governments CANNOT SPLIT siblings.

Siblings outlast marriages, siblings outlast divorces, siblings outlast lies IF they are given an opportunity.

Eunuch’s lies and its Domino Effects

It is one thing to have anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-intersex laws but to use them to split innocent IVF brother and sister and place them in domino effect of lies IVF childrenlegal limbo is a heinous crime against the children. As a parent, an adult would go through anything for a child including abuse but to have the same abuse repeated on your children, will you stand by quietly or will you speak up for their rights? Every human being deserves a child but the reproductive rights and laws are discriminatory, is that an individual’s issue or the government? Every child deserves equal rights including IVF children but the laws are discriminatory, is that an IVF parent’s issue or the government’s issue to resolve? As a binational immigrant, intersex, IVF family – is that our issue or the lack of laws issues is for the governments? As a young, male, spouse caregiver of Eunuch and being a binational, immigrant IVF father, is it wrong to deal with trauma after trauma after trauma after trauma (domino effects) in dealing with the issues (lack of laws) of a Eunuch family? We start our journey in India because that’s where it all began – marriage to an Eunuch, IVF children born in India to Eunuch marriage and the lies of a Eunuch resulting in making everyone else in the family effectively living neither here nor there. Thanks to the love and support of the family that we are still alive and have an opportunity to speak the truth. We seek inspiration from people like Rosa Parks, Susan Anthony, Edie Windsor, Tony Briffa, Jaclyn Schultz (Miss Michigan 2013), Nina Davuluri (Miss America 2013) who have the strength and courage to speak the truth and allow people to accept who they are and not use a continuing web of secrecy and lies which violates rights of other people. If an Eunuch deserves compassion, does an innocent IVF child deserve compassion?

India has long recognized Eunuchs legally, the third gender. Other countries like Nepal, Australia, New Zealand and several other Asian countries do so also. Germany, the first “western” country started offering the third gender. Non-conforming to the binary gender provides an opportunity for people to be HONEST and not be forced to lie whether they are male or female. This provides an opportunity to address real concerns of an Eunuch family – like being able to have children legally.

  • We have the first IVF child born in a Eunuch family in India and quite possibly the world – instead of celebrating, we are living in secrecy and lies.
  • We have the first IVF sibling in a Eunuch family – instead of celebrating and providing the love of a sibling to an IVF brother, we are living in secrecy and lies.
  • Given the prevailing laws, could an Eunuch have gained custody of an international IVF child without violating any laws? Could this have been achieved without abandoning another IVF sibling and denying them the due process? Is it a crime against humanity from the child’s perspective? Did the donor and surrogate agree to share their humanity only for the IVF child to be abandoned and to be given up to an orphanage?
  • When an IVF journey results in a successful IVF child, it is a time to celebrate and announce the birth of a child and not a time to be forced into secrecy and lies to convenience someone so that they can break the laws.
  • By not stating the facts that a child is IVF, we are disrespecting the best of humanity – compassionate women like the donors and surrogates. We are also teaching innocent children to lie for personal benefit. Secrecy, lies, fraud is not a world a parent wants for their child. Instead we should be celebrating the donors and surrogates and the selfless humanity they have exhibited resulting in two wonderful IVF children for this family.
  • If only mothers are allowed to be parents, how do we explain gay parents and single fathers who equally love their children? If we can celebrate gay parenting and single fatherhood, why can’t we celebrate IVF fatherhood based on merits and facts?
  • It is one thing to lie to the court about the facts to gain custody of a child by an infertile person but does that change the facts? The DNA tests will still fail, the truth will be exposed and the lies will not stand the test of time and placing innocent children at risk of legal limbo.
  • An unemotional male as stereotyped cannot go through something like this. We can agree that different lobbies will try to malign, defame, falsely accuse, etc a binational, immigrant IVF father AND a young, male, spouse care giver of Eunuch for their political and social agendas. However, it would be impossible for an unemotional, inhumane person to actually live through this and survive to talk about it. It is about the IVF children and their rights to equality – a wish of any parent for their child to have a better world than theirs.
  • Mothers deserve all the love and praise, they sacrifice a lot for their child, they are at every beck and call of the child, for this they have to be physically available, mentally be available, emotionally be available. A person who is in depression and severe trauma on medications and under medical treatment is not a candidate for this. Instead of lying about the facts, we should be saying the truth so that NO other child has to undergo the abuse again. For the record, we did stay silent and above all took care of the innocent child as a primary care provider during these times, however we were punished for our silence and societal stereotypes were used to split the innocent child from his family and his primary care provider.
  • Medical conditions are nothing new, it is about how we handle them. We look to Angelina Jolie and Amy Robach for inspiration on dealing with life changing medical events with truth, strength and love of family and friends. Due to their celebrity and public persona they can help if only one person. What good would it do by living in secrecy and lies? Why miss a learning opportunity due to secrecy and lies? Hiding the trauma and abuse of a recovering Eunuch patient may place future innocent children and spouses at risk. The right answer is to accept the facts, wait for Eunuchs to stabilize as they undergo medical treatment and then have a child. We look forward to a world when we can discuss the issues of Eunuch surgery and its effects same as breast cancer without any secrecy, stigma and arrive at real solutions. Secrecy and lies are not the way to handle any traumatic situations.
  • Eunuchs cannot legally marry, Eunuchs cannot legally immigrate with children, Eunuchs cannot legally immigrate based on marriage. Instead of celebrating someone who has managed to achieve all this apparently without breaking any laws, we are forced into secrecy and lies. How will this help other Eunuchs and their families or are they also forced to lie and break the laws?
  • There are lots of positives to be learned from a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND a binational immigrant IVF father – instead we have to force him into secrecy and lies and defamation and false allegations. Why can’t we celebrate the values of “till death do us apart”? Instead of celebrating the fact that a person was presented with the fact he was married to an Eunuch, the spouse did not leave, went through an unprecedented Eunuch surgery, the spouse did not leave, infertility exists in an Eunuch marriage, the spouse did not leave, the male spouse became the primary care provider for his son due to the ongoing medical treatment and resulting physical and mental unavailability of the other spouse, both agreed to a second IVF child only to abandon the IVF child when born, the spouse, the biological parent did not leave the second IVF child. It is very traumatic for the Eunuch but is the trauma any less for the spouse. Thanks to the love and support of the family, miraculously the spouse is alive. Which one of the values that he exhibited are unworthy of sharing with children? Is it wrong to show love and compassion? Is it wrong to help another human being? Is it wrong to expect truth? Is it wrong to expect basic human decency and respect for your children if not equal?

The right answer is to change the laws. As you read this today or read it a 100 hundred years from now – the young, male spouse caregiver of Eunuch and a binational, immigrant IVF father had his heart in the right place and always had the bigger picture in mind – every human counts. What cannot count is the secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, torture which are human-made. An IVF father, a parent only wishes to tell his children that do not break anyone’s heart even though someone breaks your heart. I will teach you strength and courage to help yourself and ALSO help the person who broke your heart – the same thing my parents taught me. Equal rights for IVF children and families, equal caregiver rights are themes relevant today and will remain relevant till equal rights are granted – whether today or a 100 years from now.

Miss You on Missing Out

The reason an IVF brother cannot see his IVF sister or his biological family is because he is born through IVF to an immigrant, IVF father in 2000s – tooIVF-children-alienation early for our times. If he is happy growing up away from his biological family without his knowledge, could he have been HAPPIER growing up freely with his siblings, family, truth, having a valid legal identity? When love is enveloped with secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, breaking laws, criminal acts, is it love? It is not ONLY about the infertile and affluent adult but also about donors, surrogates and IVF children. Pass laws and not separate children from biological family like the baby scoop era. We miss our child on missing out :

0) Our son cannot fulfill his dream of having a sibling – journey that took 3 years, several failed IVF attempts, and 4 more unjust years and counting…

1) Our son cannot kiss or hug his sister and a sister cannot kiss or hug her brother. It is about the love.

2) Our son cannot marvel first hand at how infants are so small and how they grow up. It is about the love.

3) Our son cannot play house, or kitchen, or bath time with his sister and enjoy the awesome play juice and play snacks she makes. Siblings will fight with each other but when a third person enters, they become a team of one – typical siblings – our son misses out. It is about the love.

4) Our son cannot celebrate in sibling events like Rakhi, Bhai Duj, Siblings Day and so on. It is about the love.

5) Our son is being brainwashed and alienated from his biological family. It is about the love.

6) Our son cannot read books, ride the bike, fly kites, and so on with his siblings. It is about the love.

It is one thing to have anti-gay laws, anti-IVF laws, anti-intersex laws, anti-immigrant laws, but to use them in order to SPLIT innocent IVF siblings takes it to whole another level – certainly not the best interest of the child. And if a person did not care about the human rights of an intersex, immigrant, infertile person, would they have international IVF children as an immigrant and spouse caregiver of intersex? It is time to move on and start thinking about the future generations of IVF children and families…An IVF parent is very resilient, persistent and determined – its in their IVF DNA.

7) Our son does not have a valid legal identity to travel and so much education, exposure to his growth and development is stunted. Is it love?

8) Our son has to be lied to about his birth and the fact it is through IVF which dishonors the very basic fundamentals of humanity and compassion of people like the donor and the surrogate. Will he learn to be compassionate? Will he learn to speak the truth? Is it love?

9) When equal rights do not exist, one should not break the laws but respect the laws and demand for a change in laws. By forcing secrecy, lies, abuse, defamation, breaking the laws and forcing anyone to speak the truth to bring change is no way to teach an innocent child. Is it love?

10)  Every human being deserves a child but it needs to be done ethically, morally, and legally because no matter how good a parent you are now, one has to face their IVF child eventually with facts and love. There is no love in secrecy, lies, and breaking the laws – it is criminal. There is no love in abandoning an IVF child during pregnancy, it is criminal. There is no love in continuing to place innocent IVF children in legal limbo for personal benefit and call it love – its selfishness which is a crime as per Judge Castel.

IVF Prison – Restricting Freedom

pris·on : any place of confinement

IVF prison child

Thats the dictionary definition of prison. Using anti-LGBTI laws and anti-IVF laws, a commissioning parent has made an innocent, voiceless IVF child stateless and thus confining the biological parent where the child is – land locked and stateless with freedoms restricted.  There is sympathy for infertility but is the best solution to infertility to “land-lock”  innocent IVF siblings in legal limbo and force to live separately in IVF prison? As human beings when your freedoms are restricted especially illegally thats when one speaks up for the greater good. Especially when those freedoms are violated of innocent, voiceless children. After surviving death, the truth has to be heard as the silence is victimizing innocent children. 

Why is an innocent, voiceless IVF child rendered stateless? Why are we land-locked? Why are her freedoms being restricted? Do people in legal limbo have legal rights? When we see the innocent little girl, what is her crime to be in IVF prison? What crime has IVF parent committed to have a Nazi-like Sophie’s choice moment where he is forced to pick between two children? An IVF parent can roam about the world but his IVF daughter cannot. How can he go alone anywhere? Is it a crime to share an IVF child with a non-biological parent? or is it a crime to lie and break the laws while doing so? Who is going to address the issues of abuse by the non-biological parent? Ours is a plea for compassion on humanitarian grounds, who is listening? Having “baby IVF laws” is the right answer instead of continued persecution and forced silence. The right answer is to acknowledge the facts and move forward to a solution. It is a decade of secrecy and lies which has gotten into this mess and only truth can lead us forward. Freedom from statelessness. 

It is not whether an infertile or dysfertile or intersex or gay or straight person deserves a child, its about a good parent deserves a child. Would any good parent create stateless babies and offer no recourse? Is that a violation of the childs rights? Is this child abuse? White-collar crimes are sophisticated and ahead of their times but they are still crimes.

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court.

How does an intersex, immigrant, non-biological parent with fraud documents who is not the primary care provider get custody of an IVF child? Is it by abandoning an IVF sibling and sending the other parent packing so there is no one to mount a legal defense? Is the best solution for infertility to create stateless children? Is the best solution to infertility to use the anti-intersex, anti-gay, anti-immigration, anti-IVF laws against innocent children? Is the best solution to alienate an innocent IVF child from his primary care provider and biological family and siblings? Is the best solution for an IVF child to grow up isolated and alienated from his biological family and siblings? Is the best solution to send the loving, caring, biological parent to “prison” (land-locked) by abandoning the IVF sister?

Prisons come in all shapes and forms – the traditional prisons as provided by governments or house arrests or house arrest on your private island (but still an arrest and restricting your freedom)  or IVF prison or being forced into statelessness due to no fault of yours like victims of Saddam or Gaddafi or IVF children due to lack of laws and absence of action. For those who claim that the number of IVF children rendered stateless is NOT the same as stateless victims of Saddam or Gaddafi should come on an IVF roller-coaster ride. Please do not offend and further victimize by using “numbers” to justify the crimes and inaction. A crime against an innocent child is a crime regardless of “numbers”.

Reality Check – The core concept is restriction of freedom – an unAmerican way

While the judicial systems and social systems are pontificating on “equal rights” for non-biological parents, what about people who do that in action? The reality is that laws are based on “biology”. The reality is that laws provide “equal benefits” of parenting to non-biological parents but none of the responsibility and accountability to non-biological parents, why? If an IVF child is stranded, then the “biological parent” is made to pay the child support but there is NO responsibility and accountability on the “non-biological parent” who equally commissioned the IVF pregnancy? If the IVF child is born, both commissioning parents – biological and non-biological, share “equal rights”  in benefiting from enjoying shared custody of the IVF child then why not “equal” in an abandoned IVF pregnancy?

In an abandoned an IVF pregnancy, whose responsibility is the innocent IVF child and what are their rights? Both commissioning parents be treated “equally” or should it be on the surrogate left holding the baby in the womb or is it only the “biological parent”? Or should we abandon the IVF child or give up the child for adoption? Unlike unwanted natural born pregnancies, an IVF pregnancy is deliberate and wanted. When the IVF child grows up, they will want to know why they were “manufactured” only to be abandoned? While these are issues that a parent can feel – both biological and non-biological, what is the legal system doing about it? What are the rights of the IVF child? When an IVF child is rendered stateless, what are the options? Where is the legal framework to address the issues? Is it child abuse of a special kind?

It is a fact that an intersex person’s freedom is restricted in the 2000s and so is of a binational immigrant, IVF father. Is the best solution to permanently restrict the freedom of innocent, IVF children of a dysfunctional intersex family?  The reign of secrecy and lies has to end in the best interest of the children.

Dehumanization – IVF Siblings Split Due to Lack of Laws

Anyone who has followed this story of two IVF siblings being split as personal is missing the point. Yes, its personal like every law that has been dehumanizing IVFwritten by humans is also based on someone’s personal experiences. But the point is to have equal laws for IVF children and families. The innocent, voiceless IVF siblings are SPLIT because of lack of laws and someone judiciously and cleverly manipulating the system to their advantage by breaking the laws. It is one thing to claim to love a child but to trample on the rights of another innocent child takes a whole new meaning. How many other IVF children are being affected due to these lack of laws? How many other families of IVF children think this is only “personal” and lack of laws is not an issue? By not giving “equal rights” to IVF children who are also human beings, are we dehumanizing them as some “property” to feel saddened for or feel sympathy for the situation. What we need is compassion AND equal rights so that IVF children are truly treated as humans with a guarantee of protection of their fundamental human rights.

  • Denial of existence of IVF children is “dehumanizing” them like when they are not declared in a divorce proceeding and the best interest of the child is withheld from the court.
  • Denial of state issued legal identity like Passport is “dehumanizing” them. Do people with “no legal identity” have any “legal rights”?
  • Denial of their basic human dignity and respect is “dehumanizing” them.
  • Denial of protection of their fundamental human rights and child rights is “dehumanizing” them.
  • Creating stateless IVF children due to no fault of their own and not providing any legal recourse is “dehumanizing” them.
  • Continued discrimination of IVF children and families without any legal recourse or any relief for victims is “dehumanizing” them.

Empowered girls grow up to be empowered women. They grow up to be empowered mothers, leaders, and innovators. They grow up to move their communities forward and make the world a better place.” – said US Secretary of State John Kerry on International Girl Day 2013

Where are the rights of an IVF girl child? a sister? a daughter? a woman of tomorrow? and a mother of tomorrow? We need the rights today to avail of the tomorrow. How many “dehumanization” events have to occur before criminality kicks in?

  • It is one thing to illegally abduct an IVF child, but to do it at the cost of “dehumanizing” their IVF sibling and denying them their basic human dignity and respect takes on a whole new criminality.
  • It is one thing to be denied basic human rights as an intersex person but to repeat that to an innocent, voiceless IVF children takes on a whole new criminality.
  • It is one thing to be denied equal marriage laws and immigration laws as an intersex person but to use the very same anti-gay, anti-LGBTI, anti-IVF immigration laws to SPLIT innocent, voiceless IVF siblings takes on a whole new criminality.
  • It is one thing to be born infertile and IVF is here to help but to abandon an IVF child and denying their rights takes on a whole new criminality.
  • It is one thing to be “dehumanized” as an intersex person due to lack of laws but it takes a whole new criminality to knowingly and deliberately impose the “dehumanization” on unsuspecting victims.
  • It is one thing to live in secrecy, lies and breaking laws as an individual but to impose abuse and silence under threats to others to also live with secrecy, lies and as a criminal for life takes on a whole new criminality.

The cycle of secrecy, lies and breaking the laws has to end. The cancer of secrecy, lies and breaking the laws eats one up alive seeing their innocent, voiceless IVF children being punished for crimes they did not commit. No more. The right answer is education, awareness and equal laws

Was it wrong to help an intersex, immigrant and infertile person for whom laws itself fall short in extending and protecting their human rights? Is the social conscience misplaced where even laws fall short? If you are in a gay marriage, are both spouses equally affected by the presence or lack of laws and issues of a gay marriage like immigration, IVF children, and so on? Should the lack of laws now extend as punishment in legal limbo to IVF children also? What are the lessons learnt from living in secrecy, lies and relentlessly breaking laws for a decade? Do we repeat the mistakes or do we learn from them? A young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex overcomes a lot of challenges repeatedly in silence and then repeats it as an immigrant IVF parent with lack of laws, why should the IVF children also suffer in silence due to lack of laws? The thought process is the same – equal rights, first it was intersex, then immigration, and now it is IVF children and families. Social justice and social equivalence are the hallmarks of this case – and no one deserves justice more than innocent, voiceless IVF children who have committed no crimes by UNITING them.

Adoption Vs. IVF

Infertility is very traumatic. There are lot of solutions to deal with infertility. What happens AFTER you have found On-Infertile-grounda solution? What is the best interest of the CHILD? Is the trauma of the infertile person GREATER than the best interest of the child? How many VICTIMS need to be created and be abused and violated to satiate the need of one infertile person? There are plenty of articles and information on whether to ADOPT or go for IVF/Surrogacy? This article will NOT focus on the “pre-decision” making process but rather rights of the “IVF child” and why are there differences in law? The best interest of the child remains the same regardless of whether adoption or IVF/Surrogacy, then why are laws NOT reflective of that? They say a child only knows LOVE and the biological link does not matter YET the laws are based on “biological link”. And when issues arise, the only thing one has to fall back on is LAWS. So it is important to discuss ADOPTION Vs. IVF/Surrogacy from a LAW perspective.

The laws for adoption are made with best interest of the child in mind FIRST. The best interest of the adoptive parents is secondary. Is the same true in IVF/Surrogacy?

0a) Adopted children are natural born and the science behind the natural birth of an adopted child is same as other natural born children.

0b) IVF children are born well through IVF. Scientific studies claim that because of the way IVF children are born, the hormones, the fertility treatments, the frozen samples or embryos, psychological state of parents using IVF (it is a very stressful time), etc. places IVF children at a “third higher risk of cancer” or “65% more likely to have leukemia” or “90% more likely to have brain cancer”.

1a) Adoption is well understood and regulated – both domestically and internationally thus providing a consistent, standardized way of dealing with adoption.

1b) IVF/Surrogacy Laws barely exist – from banned in some countries to allowance in others and there is NO international law for IVF/Surrogacy children creating situations where innocent, voiceless children are LEFT in a LEGAL LIMBO.

2a) If a 5 year old is adopted and taken away from his biological family, his biological family has a RIGHT to tell him the facts.

2b) If a 5 year old IVF son is taken away from his biological family, his biological family has NO rights to tell him the truth and are instead muzzled and silenced under threats.

3a) There is a use of subsidiarity principle in adoption where SIBLINGS are allowed to grow up together even though the parents may be non-biological.

3b) In an international IVF, IVF SIBLINGS maybe deliberately separated with NO legal consequences and there is NO regard for best interest of the children.

4a) In adoption, a homestudy by a licensed MSW or MA in Psychology is a MUST before a non-biological parent can adopt a child.

4b) In IVF/Surrogacy, anyone with MONEY can get a IVF/Surrogate child. There is NO requirement for equivalent of homestudy and somehow a “biological parent” already suffering from trauma of infertility is supposed to POSSESS the knowledge of a licensed MS or MA in Psychology. Even a pedophile can somehow take an IVF girl child legally.

5a) Adoptions typically take months to years and because of the heavy vetting process, a great deal is known about the future parent including any errant behavioral or psychological problems.

5b) In IVF/Surrogacy, MONEY talks. Once you have the money, get donors and surrogate lined up and place your order for a “baby” with NO vetting process. Heck, you could even place an “order for an IVF baby” and then later change your mind and ABANDON the IVF baby with NO legal consequences. What are the rights of the IVF child? What are the rights of the surrogate? What are the rights of the left-behind parent?

6a) Adoptions are highly and tightly regulated. In an international adoption, proper legal documents and paperwork needs to be followed including birth certificate and the corresponding passport and visas.

6b) IVF/Surrogacy has NO regulations and fraud documents can be secured with relative ease. After all, IVF is marketed as a “good thing” for the infertile parent and NOT as a “good thing” for the child. The paying customer for IVF industry is the “parent” and NOT the IVF child. Does the IVF child have a RIGHT to proper legal documents and proper LEGAL STATUS or are they also VICTIMS to their infertile parent’s whims?

In our changing world, it would  be NO longer correct to say that infertility is an issue only for women. How would we resolve gays having children? Even in heterosexual couples, there are cases where men are more caring than women due to various reasons. Are we as a society ready to accept the CHANGE? Then again, IVF/Surrogacy is all about CHANGE and is a 21st century issue, isn’t it?