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Respect – Living the Life as A Woman

I am a male. I am not transgender, I am not intersex/DSD, I am not a woman. But having experiences like family caregiving, infertility, primary care provider for children which are “traditionally” associated with women has provided me with a fresh perspective on what it may have been like to live as a woman and undergo abuse for centuries. The worst is that my gender is punishing my innocent children which has forced me to speak up. I have learnt a lot from Susan Anthony’s, Rosa Parks’s and other women in the world and also from likes of Scotsboro boys’. While there is no comparison to what women have gone through for centuries; the injustice, neglect, abuse is what is in common – which is why there is Respect for living as a woman. Sadly, it is a cycle of being used, abused and discarded by others that we find in common. When will we have laws to protect hate crimes against IVF children and families?

1) When I was abused, I stayed silent. The law enforcement tells me that I should have spoken up then and its too late to get justice now. Does that mean the abuse did not occur? When laws were broken forcefully, I stayed silent. The law enforcement tells me that I should have reported the crimes. Does that mean the crimes did not occur? Ironically, plight of some IVF children today is what was done to innocent intersex children which is lies, fraud and manipulation.

2) If there are rape trauma crises centers, if there are sexual abuse trauma crises centers, if there are child abuse trauma crises centers, where are the IVF trauma crises centers? Having crises centers for different issues implies two things – 1) There is acceptance of facts and the need to act to protect the innocent and 2) Qualified professionals trained to act in the best interest of the victim – medical, legal, financial, etc.

In the absence of IVF trauma centers, are we as a society not wanting to accept the facts and that IVF trauma does not exist and it is better to shove the truth under the carpet like the way our society dealt with concealment based approach in treating intersex people or taking away innocent children from their biological mothers during the government approved “baby scoop era”? In the absence of IVF trauma centers, are we as a society failing to provide qualified professionals to victims including innocent IVF children and until justice is received, does it mean the victimization and abuse continues which is blessed by the system due to its inaction and lack of laws?

3) If a woman is pregnant and her spouse abandons the child and the mother-to-be, it is a sinking feeling. Is it like getting kicked in the stomach as a pregnant woman? As a left-behind parent, one moves on for the sake of the child with no child support, loss of dignity and respect for innocent child, possible character humiliations, loss of job, career, separation from family and friends, etc. Same is true for a left-behind IVF parent of an abandoned IVF child, one finds the strength and courage to move on for the sake of the child despite being a male as the society and laws deem “fathers” are “second-class” parents.

If a woman who is abandoned while pregnant, what if the spouse runs away with the older child? This leaves the woman to deal with her pregnancy all alone, provide welfare of the child on her own AND the trauma of losing a child whom she loves. Worse, the older child will not be afforded the love of a sibling he wanted because the parent has split them. In all this, the mother raises the abandoned child through the trauma and hopes someday her children will be UNITED. Is an IVF father of two split siblings allowed to have the same feeling?

If an intended parent abandons an IVF pregnancy after giving consent, who pays the surrogate and what are her rights and whose responsibility it it to raise the IVF child? Is the surrogate also considered a woman whose rights have been violated if left abandoned with an IVF child?

4) For centuries women have been the “traditional family caregiver” and for most part they still are in a majority now. A family caregiver can be in multiple roles – as a parent, child, sibling, etc. However, insenuations have existed like “being a housewife is not a real job”, “stay at home mothers” do not contribute to society, etc. Yet as loving mothers or spouses or daughters or sisters as they are, they continue to spread their love (often in silence) regardless of what laws say or what society thinks while giving up their true potential, ambitions, careers. Same is true as a spouse caregiver of intersex/DSD who is forced into silence.

And when women started asking for their rights be it rape, disenfranchisement, abuse, violence, sexual harassment, etc. initially, it was written off as “being emotional”. That was last century and it may be true even today in several parts of the world. An immigrant, IVF father feels the same way and demand for rights is discarded as “being emotional” while failing to recognize that it is the innocent IVF children who are the ones being punished because of their parent’s gender. Just like Susan Anthony’s of the world, one must continue to fight for the truth regardless of how long it takes.

5) If a woman uses her egg and gets help from a sperm donor and surrogate, she can legally take the child anywhere while if a man uses his sperm and gets help from a egg donor and surrogate, the same is not true. Who is the real victim – the IVF father or the innocent IVF child? Like any parent – mother or father, gay or straight, black or white or Asian, child with Autism or a learning challenge, etc, etc – any parent will speak up when their child is abused, violated and worse used as a “tool”. Every human being has rights, including an innocent IVF child of an IVF father.

6) There is no “I” in infertility or IVF. Dealing with infertility first requires lot of patience and compassion from fellow human beings. “I” cannot do anything. The anxiety, the sleepless nights, the pain, the suffering, the trauma, the loss of child, the failed IVF cycles, the multiple trips to the IVF clinic filled with hope, the thumbing through online forums, the blessing of a IVF child, the joy and celebration of an IVF child, etc etc affects any person dealing with IVF and infertility – it is NOT a woman or man thing, it is a HUMAN thing. Having lived through these experiences which are traditionally associated with women dealing with fertility, it has given a unique perspective on even how innocent IVF children are victimized due to being born to a “man” VS. “woman”. Our society and laws have a long way to catch up.

7) It has taken centuries and lots of abuse, violation of rights, trauma for women to begin to get equal rights in the workplace. When will men get equal rights at home in the family especially in the best interest of innocent children?

8) To the naysayers, I ask a simple question, exactly what more do you want out of a spouse – male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, otherwise?

  • You have a traumatic condition, you deal with it together and become a spouse caregiver,
  • One spouse wants silence at the cost of abuse to the other spouse, you give silence,
  • One spouse wants to lie, fraud and break the laws, you give in to the threats and abuse in silence,
  • One spouse is infertile, you deal with it together using IVF,
  • One spouse is under medical treatment and trauma preventing to be a “primary care provider” for the child, you become a primary care provider for the IVF child in silence,
  • The IVF child both love wants a sibling, both give joint consent to have a second IVF child, one spouse decides to abandon the child while the other is left to pick up the pieces including giving up his son whom he loves AND his son having to give up his primary care provider and a sister he wanted.

Perhaps the spouse is looking for slaves including innocent children with no human rights in 2014? 

Don’t give me love, don’t give me compassion, just give me respect and truth.

If being in a intersex/DSD marriage which the laws do not recognize, if becoming a spouse caregiver of DSD/intersex for a surgery which UN considers torture, if dealing with infertility with respect for the infertile spouse, if raising IVF children due to ongoing medical treatment of the spouse, if dealing with multiple lack of laws for issues like intersex, IVF, immigration in 2014 is too new is RESPECT, then all I ask is to give RESPECT to my innocent children if not me and UNITE them.

Had equal rights for intersex, equal rights for IVF children and families existed, would innocent IVF siblings have been SPLIT? Economic deprivation and loss of financial resources directly threatens the right to get justice in 2014 because no counsel works for free.

Would You Want Forgiveness or Compassion?

Knowing and admitting to one’s weakness is the biggest strength. It takes a lot to admit to the truth.child-alienation-child-abandon-ivf-compassion-forgiveness

We all have skeletons in the closet but what if they happen to be of innocent children whose rights have been violated, is that enough to speak up? They could be IVF children, they could be immigrants, they could be intersex families for whom laws do not exist. Threat of persecution is no reason to remain silent and being on the right side of truth and history is what matters.

A lot of people have said, aren’t forgiveness and compassion the same thing? To most, maybe. But to an immigrant, IVF parent of lovely IVF children, forgiveness and compassion are different. If you were climbing a staircase, where one step was forgiveness and other step was compassion and there is a fire burning below meaning you HAVE to climb, turning around is not an option, which would you choose? When a mother and father have raised their son to respect all, love your spouse and family, show compassion and forgiveness, why should he stay quiet? What is so heinous and criminal that they taught their child that we need to hold secrets or lie about? Don’t show compassion to infertile people, that don’t forgive liars, that don’t keep secrets? If none of these were taught, then two lovely IVF children would have never been born. As for the intersex  person, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP to the surgery. So if torture is heinous, is that the spouse’s fault or is that the medical community who victimized an entire immigrant, IVF, intersex family? If an intersex person is a victim of the medical community, what is it for the spouse and children of an intersex family? The lying must stop and let truth prevail. In the meantime, splitting innocent siblings cannot be the RIGHT answer, its a slap to our humanity as a whole, isn’t it? A parent is not only about being able to provide food, shelter, education for their child but also fight for their child’s rights instead of violating them and a parent has to lead by example the virtues of compassion and forgiveness.

1) If you are frauded into an intersex marriage and find out the truth after marriage and even though laws allow you to get the marriage annulled, you stay, is that forgiveness or compassion? You go on to become a spouse caregiver, is that compassion or forgiveness?

2) Because you are in an intersex marriage, there is infertility. You go for IVF under secrecy and lies because no one should know about the infertility due to stigma. These lies mean breaking laws. Is that out of compassion or forgiveness?

3) When one goes for IVF in an intersex marriage, you need an egg donor and a surrogate. Compassionate women will agree to become egg donor or surrogate, not forgiveness.

4) The IVF clinic who works on the case and is successful in a first of its kind case in India and probably in the world, an IVF child of an intersex, immigrant family. Legally, this family cannot exist because no prevailing laws support it. So is everyone breaking the laws forgiveness or compassion?

5) An IVF father is forced to lie and remain silent and NOT celebrate the birth of his first child and pretend father’s day never happened because of secrecy and lies needed to bring the IVF child to the US, is that forgiveness or compassion?

6) When a person is infertile and is married, is infertility an “I” problem or a “We” problem? When there are lack of laws for IVF children and families, is that an “I” problem or a “We” problem for an IVF family?

7) When there is victimization at the hands of the medical community of intersex people and the families and spouse of intersex people, is the victimization isolated only to the “intersex person” or are the families like spouse, children, parents, siblings also victimized? Is it an “I” problem or a “we” problem?

8) When you have an IVF child born outside the US, all IVF children are subjected to US Immigration laws. What happens when an innocent IVF child is caught up in the complex web where simply laws have not caught up with technology, what do these US parents do – the easy way is to abandon the IVF child they wanted and quite possibly poured their life savings and emotional savings into OR give up their life in the US and live in exile and raise the child they always wanted. What about the rights of the IVF child, an innocent human being? Do they have a say? Is this the best we can do as a society in 2014?

9) It is one thing to have laws which have not caught up with technology, to some extent it may be even inadvertent, but what is it to use these “gaps in laws” for selfish advantage which directly  hurts the welfare of innocent children? Is this a new level of white collar crime in the 21st century? And are laws there to protect the innocent children or place them in legal limbo?

10) If you are an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent, will you want forgiveness or compassion or both? And what does an innocent IVF child who has been abandoned deserve? And what does an innocent IVF child who has been alienated from his sibling that he wanted and biological family deserve? If a parent of an intersex child can ask for compassion and forgiveness, what can an IVF parent ask for his innocent IVF children?

To move forward, why can’t we see some compassion for innocent IVF siblings who have NEVER met and UNITE them? History has shown that united we stand, divided we fall and splitting siblings including the US judicial system will simply not stand the test of time.

Truth on Mother’s Day

This could have been a great mother’s day story and how a “village” helped to make a mother – the difference is truth Vs. lies, the difference is respect Vs.ivf-mothers-day  secrecy. A lovely IVF child was born due to blessings of a lot of good-hearted people. They deserve the thanks and recognition. The year was 2004. The month was June. A lovely IVF child was born after our first successful attempt. We were young, we were naive, we knew hat the failure rates are twice that of success rates for IVF but did not experience it. Plus it was all remote for us and done in high secrecy. The chances of failure far outweighed chances of success and there he was, our lovely IVF son, thanks to the compassion of so many people. If an intersex, infertile, immigrant parent is happy to be a mother of a non-biological IVF child today separated from his sibling and biological family, they should be thanking the GRANDMOTHER of the IVF child who taught her son to show respect for all, compassion and forgiveness. Because if we go by the laws, every law as it pertains to intersex, immigration, IVF has been BROKEN in 2000s, now what? Maulik as a father thanks his mother for all who she is and came to the rescue again at age 68 when an innocent IVF sibling was abandoned. Words cannot describe what a mother is but her actions and what she teaches her children are far more powerful.

So who is the mother? The egg donor as the laws recognize, the surrogate as the laws recognize provided she gives birth on US soil, or the biological father who was the primary care provider for the infant after birth due to the traumatic medical condition of the spouse? Since laws rule our lives, it is important to discuss based on facts and not offend anyone.

1) It was the compassion of the egg donor that gave us our IVF son and recognizing and thanking her is long overdue.

2) It was the compassion of a surrogate who carried the IVF child to term and recognizing and thanking her is long overdue.

3) The biological father stepped in as the “primary care provider” for his IVF son out of love and because the spouse was still recovering from some very traumatic medical surgeries. He did not speak up but that does NOT mean he is NOT the primary care provider. When sickness is extended over a long period of time, it takes a toll on everyone in the family, not just the patient. Add to this the complexity of secrecy, lies, breaking the laws, crimes, lack of laws, and so on makes it only worse.

4) As far as laws go, our IVF son should not exist. So what should we do with him? Is that his fault? Do we punish him into IVF purgatory for life?

5) As far as the laws go, a US parent must have a genetic link to a child born outside the US, so how do infertile Americans bring a child born outside the US legally? Does this force infertile people to lie, cheat, fraud and/or abandon innocent children so that they can have a child at any cost?

6) It was the biological father who first agreed to IVF meaning he does NOT think that infertile people are any less of a parent. He is humble and so kept the “secret”. Secrecy, lies, crimes is what is bad parenting and bad as a human being. What if truth instead of lies were allowed, what if there was respect instead of secrecy, an immigrant couple from the US coming to India to have an IVF child with help of anonymous egg donor and surrogate delivering India’s and probably the world’s first IVF child of an intersex couple. That’s the truth. Should that be celebrated with truth and respect or twisted with secrecy and lies?

7) It may be convenient to lie to others including legal authorities about being a “biological mother” of an IVF child, but does it help the child? Does it help the IVF child out of legal limbo without changing the laws? Is that being a good mother?

8) It may be convenient to hide one’s intersex surgery, one’s intersex status but does that help other intersex, infertile people get equal rights without changing the laws? Does it help the spouse caregiver of intersex who suffered in silence because technically due to fraud medical records the surgery NEVER occurred, however the abuse, the violence is real just like yesterday even after all these years.

9) Apart from being a good parent, is it equally important to to see how a parent treats others kids when it comes to good parenting? What do you think the children of Ariel Castro are thinking about their parent? Abandoning an IVF sibling, a sister, and using her as leverage with full knowledge of lack of laws for IVF children and families, just to acquire effective sole custody of the IVF brother, what is that? Is that a mother? Is that a loving mother?

10) A mother is someone who gives unconditional love and also teaches the difference between right Vs wrong, truth Vs lies, respect Vs secrecy. By living in secrecy and forcing secrecy on others, other than breaking laws, one is disrespecting the contribution of others. It is NOT about right or wrong, as humans we all make mistakes; it is about being on the right path.

11) A loving mother and father taught their son to respect all, love his spouse dearly through thick and thin, and do the “right” thing. He stayed in an intersex marriage despite being illegal and having been frauded, he became a spouse caregiver of intersex despite 83% males leaving a spouse when diagnosed with a traumatic condition, he had a child through IVF despite immigrant, IVF fathers do not exist as per prevailing laws, he raised his IVF son as a primary care provider due to the spouse’s illness and kept it all a secret as the spouse wanted and what happens in return? An abandoned IVF daughter, split IVF siblings, loss of job, career, reputation, a life created with hard work over 21 years, innocent victims of fertility. It is one thing to abuse a male, a parent, an IVF parent (lack of laws) but to abuse his IVF children is a whole another issue. No parent can stay quiet.

This Mother’s day, let’s pray and hope what all mothers do which is to bless them and more importantly, bless their children and teach compassion. If a mother of an intersex child who may go to any lengths to ensure their infertile child gets a child at any cost, what should an IVF parent do for his IVF child? What we pray for is equal rights for IVF children and families, equal intersex rights because if they existed in 2000s then a person who happens to be intersex, infertile, immigrant would have not felt threatened enough to split IVF siblings but keep them UNITED as intended.

Lessons Learnt from Lack of Laws for Intersex, IVF, Immigration, Invisibility

Before anyone is a male or female, they are first a human being. Before anyone is a human being, if they have children, they are a parent. The point is abe-kind-to-unkind parent is willing to take abuse if it protects their child meaning giving up their own human rights. Too often issues are divided based on male Vs. female, right Vs. wrong, or based on race, or religion or sexual orientation, or rich Vs. poor or whatever is the new divisive flavor of the day. Individuals who are human beings live personal lives. Human beings live their lives as per emotions, however, lives are lived as per laws regardless of how archaic the laws may be. Sometime in the 21st century, there will be equal rights for intersex, immigrants, infertile, IVF. Till then what is it like to live in the 21st century with 20th century laws? Here are top lessons learnt from lack of laws for intersex, IVF, Immigration and Invisibility.

  1. Be kind to unkind people, they need it the most. Do not lie to your spouse especially if it places another human being at risk and victimizes them due to lack of laws. That is unkind. Being intersex, infertile, immigrant or invisible are separate issues. Fundamentally, any loving relationship – marriage or otherwise cannot be built on the foundation of lies – it affects the individual and everyone else around them.
  2. Be ruthlessly selfish – You will get what you want. As a law-abiding person, be very selfish meaning use the laws to your advantage but don’t be ruthless like splitting innocent siblings or abandoning one sibling to have another or alienating a child from his family. You may be able to look yourself in the mirror, you may be able to hoodwink the authorities and break laws relentlessly, but can you look into the innocent eyes of the victimized children?
  3. Male Chauvinistic Pig – Until the laws are changed, in some cases, it may be better to be a male chauvinistic pig in the best interest of your children. Anti-male laws may have good reasoning but when anti-male laws are used against innocent children because their only legal parent is a “male”, maybe it is better to be a male chauvinistic pig instead of showing compassion so at least the innocent children are saved.
  4. Fraud – While laws may not recognize intersex marriages, in time the laws will change to allow intersex marriages. However, fraud will still remain fraud. It is not that intersex marriage is wrong but fraud is wrong. The lack of laws in recognizing an intersex marriage affects and victimizes both spouses equally.
  5. Secrecy and Lies – One can lie and fraud to break the laws but how does it help others and the greater good?
  6. Do the Next – Dealing with infertility and intersex is a double whammy and very traumatic. Add the layer of immigration and invisibility only makes it more complicated and  traumatic. Whose human rights do you uphold? Person who lies and breaks the laws in secrecy OR person who wants to be free from the social and legal discrimination using truth? After living through intersex, IVF, immigration, it is the innocent child who wins – hands down and not a liar who breaks laws and places innocent children at risk and in legal limbo. Can you do the “next” and start living in the 21st century?
  7. Caregiving – Becoming a family caregiver is both a privilege and a balancing act. Doing it in secrecy is foolish. When anyone becomes a family caregiver, it shows they deeply love and care for a fellow human being. It comes with its own stress, issues, and balancing acts. When you are forced to do this in silence and secrecy, is it abuse? The abuse is the “secrecy and silence” part. Every human has the right to express freely including a caregiver.
  8. IVFHood – Its a minority neighborhood. Its a secretive neighborhood. There is lot of support available in 2014 than in 2003. If you gave up your life trying to have a child with someone who the laws do not support like an intersex, infertile, immigrant in the US, then NO ONE CARES if you did. Its a lonely neighborhood. Worse, your IVF children will be punished for being born in an intersex, immigrant family in 2000s as if its their crime. Your fertility used as a currency in the war on fertility against you and your innocent children.
  9. Legal System – It is non-existant when it comes to intersex, immigrant, IVF family in 2000s. Legally, we do not exist. If you confess to the truth, then the legal system has to deal based on prevailing laws and legally an intersex, immigrant, IVF family does not exist. So it is best to make them invisible, pretend they do not exist, suppress facts and split innocent IVF siblings – we are sure it is the BEST solution – more lies!
  10. Workarounds – People who are either naive or stupid offer options like asking the IVF father to adopt his own biological IVF child to “workaround” the limitations in current IVF laws. They fail to recognize how offensive this is. Its kinda like asking a man of color in 1800 that if they don’t like being a slave, why don’t they just change the color of their skin? Slavery was legal in 1800 but the discriminatory laws did not stand the test of time. It would be better for the person of color to fight on the right side of history and NOT change the color of their skin just to “workaround” the prevailing laws. Or maybe telling a woman of the suffrage woman of the early 1900s to just become a man to get equal rights. Similarly for an IVF father in 2014, it is better to stay on the right side of history and get the facts out and ask for their rights and their innocent IVF children’s rights rather than submit to the persecution and threats of a failed judicial system. It will definitely stand the test of time and more importantly, the biggest jury for an abused IVF father are his innocent IVF children – what do they think?

Abandon Ship by Captain, Abandon IVF child by Intended Parent

For centuries there has been an unwritten rule that captains of a ship get rescued last when a ship is in distress. Capt. E. J. Smith of Titanic dutifully didabandon-ship-ivf this. But are there any laws to enforce this? What if a captain of a ship is selfish and decides to abandon ship in a time of distress before all the passengers have been safely rescued? Can you enforce that by laws? Is abandoning ship by a captain before rescuing the passengers “akin to murder” as South Korean president claimed? What about abandoning an IVF child in a foreign country that an adult consented to?

Much like what a captain is to a ship, a woman is to a family. Even IVF laws are written with this in mind leaving little for male IVF parents. She is the soul of the family, the bond that ties, the glue that holds it together, the soul that forgives relentlessly and the soul that takes on more unsaid hardships for the sake of the family. We all know who it is, we all have one in the family, we call her “mother”. Lately in a surprising way, captains of ships in distress have known to abandon ship rather than rescue its passengers. The unwritten rule has been broken, now what? What if the mother decides to abandon an IVF child, what do we do? There is an unwritten rule that IVF parents are engaged in IVF/surrogacy because they want a child and they would NEVER abandon an IVF child, but what IF someone does exactly that – abandon an IVF child, now what? The unwritten rule has been broken, what about the survivors who made it?

When the unthinkable happens, one has to move forward. Like when an IVF father has to live in exile because his IVF child is not welcome to the US. Like when the captain abandons ship then the vice-captain or someone lower in the chain of command takes over and do what they do best and possibly giving up their life while trying to save others. For an IVF child who has been abandoned, the first thing is who pays the surrogate who agreed to do this for a fee or does she not deserve any payment since the intended parent abandoned? Who raises the IVF child and what are their rights? Or does the child go to an orphanage and be lied to all their life and never revealed they were born through IVF only to be abandoned? Do we just shove the issues under the carpet? As in gambling, it comes down to skin in the process. Maybe if you have your womb, or your egg or sperm then maybe you are more obligated to NOT abandon the innocent IVF child. There may even be laws to track you down since you would be the “biological parent”. But if you have no ties to the child, then you can abandon the innocent child with no legal consequences. Does that seem right from the perspective of the abandoned IVF child who is in legal limbo? We as human beings are better than that or are we? Or are we all like the captain of the Italian Ship and the captain of the South Korean ship where we abandon ship and no legal consequences will occur. There are “non-biological” IVF parents who have made big sacrifices showing that it’s not the biology that counts but it’s the intent of an intended IVF parent much like a captain abandoning ship.

A parent-child relationship is based on the connect of the hearts based on truth and not what the laws say. US laws require a genetic link between a US parent and a child born outside the US, is that how we define parentage? Just like the innocent deaths of so many passengers who could have been rescued, the innocence of childhood has been killed from IVF siblings forever. For a captain of the family, the same person can be a spouse, a lover, a parent to their child AND a abuser or abandoner of their child. Which name do you refer with? A captain on a ship is still a captain but if he abandons ship, what name do you refer with? – The South Koreans refer to the abandoning captain by “Evil of Sewol”. The South Korean president likened the abandoning captain to “murder”.

I miss my son terribly, I miss my son missing out on growing up with his sibling terribly. I do have the last words he told me and the pictures of us together and they mean “I love you, Papa”. Let us see if that’s where we pick up from when we are together again or has he been brainwashed and alienated? What he thinks about me is largely up to the person raising him whether to choose to say the truth or lie in their best interest – certainly not the “child’s best interest” which is considered the gold standard by courts which I fail to grasp in an international, immigrant, IVF, intersex family case – whose best interest is kept?

Effects of Secrecy and Lies

There are long ranging effects of secrecy and lies especially ones that breaks the laws. Gandhiji was proud to call himself as the “God’s Eunuch for the nation” and it is fitting that 67 years after independence that Gandhiji fought for, the Indian Supreme Court has given rights to Eunuchs. It is good to see the progress for the third gender when Indian secrecy-lies-closet-ivfSupreme Court recognized the rights of the “third gender”. This proves two things – 1) Third gender exists and its not a myth and its just a matter of time before others also follow like the US, UK, etc. (2) The rights of third gender did not exist before now and when will there be rights for spouse and innocent children of a third gender marriage who are equally affected by the lack of laws. What about the rights of a spouse and innocent children of a third gender marriage? Is the lack of laws adversely affecting the individual who third gender and also the spouse and children of a third gender marriage? What if a spouse and children have given the human rights to a third gender person which the court has only done now, do the spouse and children also have human rights and who protects them? An individual can be a great parent while they may be the worst criminal – two roles, same individual. Ariel Castro, the infamous father who apparently was a great parent but had abducted and tortured innocent girls including some knew his own children. No one could believe that Ariel Castro was the same person as depicted in the news or as facts started pouring out. A life of secrecy and lies is very troubling for anyone. It is one thing to abuse an adult but to abuse an innocent child leaving them in legal limbo is whole another issue and the truth has to come out to get justice for innocent children. If a mother stays silent through the abuse, is the best solution to split her children because she failed to report the abuse? Is that creating more victims and punishing the innocent? At the end of the day, parent-child relationship is a matter of heart between two individuals and not what the law or court thinks. US laws do not recognize parents of IVF children who do not have a genetic link as parents, does that mean its true?

If one has lied about their marriage, then how can they ask for justice when they wake up?  If one has lied about their child having been born naturally when in fact it is through IVF, how can one ask for justice when they wake up? If one has stayed silent about their second IVF child and when that child gets abandoned, how can one ask for rights of the innocent abandoned child? If one has stayed silent through the abuse, criminal acts, breaking the laws, then how can one expect justice when they wake up? If a rape victim or a sexual abuse victim reports the facts after years of trauma and abuse, does that mean it didn’t occur even if statute of limitations may have passed? The effects of secrecy and lying are long-term and they stay with the victim forever. No amount of apologies even from a Pope may be enough. Acceptance of facts is the FIRST thing because first there was the crime which followed by years of denial and persecution of victims. Victims of white collar crime like victims of Bernie Madoff or other fraud victims or victims of sexual abuse from clergy are same as victims of an international, intersex, immigrant, IVF fraud. There is no objection to intersex or immigrant or IVF, it happens that this triple whammy has no laws and when someone frauds innocent IVF siblings of growing up together, the facts have to be stated for two main reasons – 1) Change the laws so other immigrant, or IVF, or intersex families don’t have to use secrecy and lies and victimize innocents. (2) Two innocent IVF siblings deserve better than being punished in legal limbo for crimes they did not commit.

Lying about an intersex marriage as an heterosexual marriage is ignoring the facts, especially when intersex marriages are illegal but heterosexual marriages are not. An illegal marriage affects both spouses – intersex spouse and the non-intersex spouse.  Further, other intersex people still cannot legally marry if they want to be honest. A life of dishonesty leads to other issues including adversely creating innocent victims out of others.

Calling an intersex surgery as “removal of ovaries” is ignoring the facts, especially when other intersex people have to move court to get the same surgery done while if one lies, they get away with it including the insurance fraud since insurance does not cover such surgeries.

If one were honest about an intersex surgery, it would have allowed to know that it is torture and very traumatic and as per the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture, it should be stopped. However, it requires one to be honest first. There is no doubt it is torturous being a first-hand witness as a spouse caregiver of intersex, what is it for the spouse and child of an intersex marriage recovering from intersex surgery in silence?

Infertile people in the US cannot legally bring a child born outside the US without a “genetic link”, so they may “marry fraudulently with a fertile person” or steal a child or kidnap a child or abandon one IVF child in a foreign land while abducting their IVF Sibling in another country. Isn’t it better to ask for equal rights instead? Why victimize and punish innocent children? Why be an Ariel Castro?

A life of lies cannot be lived forever. A life of white collar crimes cannot be lived forever. A life of alienating innocent siblings cannot be lived forever. It is time for change but with honesty. Giving human rights to others in the privacy of your own four walls is not advisable especially when intersex people lack basic human rights like marriage rights, fertility rights, immigration rights, etc. Instead we continue our struggle to give the same human rights to all but do it so publicly because that’s how our society works.  Don’t try this at home, kids! seriously or the biggest victims will be your innocent, voiceless kids.

After Five Failed IVF Attempts, An IVF Sibling is Abandoned

It’s a wonderful life, the American dream of an immigrant. Come to the US for education, get a job, work hard, get a home, get a family, have children Failed-IVF-Learningand live happily everafter. Wrong…if you are a proud IVF father like Maulik, these are not your rights and worse, neither are they rights of your innocent IVF children. More than the material comforts, more than an academic education at the highest levels, one thing America teaches is all humans are equal and all have an opportunity to live freely. One should have the courage to say the truth and fight for what’s right. Whether these “ideals” hold true for an immigrant, IVF father part of an intersex family in 2014 or whether he and his innocent, voiceless IVF children will be persecuted remains to be seen. After 5 failed IVF attempts, one cannot ask an IVF father to just abandon his IVF child. She is very much wanted. Maulik can come to America but not without his daughter as was intended.

When someone is a criminal who breaks laws, it is not about their race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, it is about the person having criminal intent. Abandoning an IVF child is wrong today and regardless of any future laws passed, abandoning children will remain criminal and a crime against the humanity of the innocent child. It is one thing to abuse a man for being born a man but to abuse his IVF children is whole another issue. The trauma of an IVF journey unfolds in different ways for every person going through it – fertile or infertile, male or female, donor or surrogate, and yes most importantly the IVF child! For an intended parent to have given consent for an IVF child and not declare the IVF pregnancy in a divorce filing is ignoring their basic rights as a human being and using them as a “tool” in the war on fertility. The innocent, voiceless IVF child is NOT A TOOL. What next, create clones for heart transplants because the patient needs a heart and when the heart is removed from the clone, let the clone die? No, the clone also has human rights because they are born human.

Follow your heart -its the inside that counts, right? In any person’s life, in any person’s married life, the true test comes when one of the spouse is struck with a traumatic situation. Will the other spouse or partner stay in the relationship, offer support to a fellow human being, even become a caregiver if need be? It is not the material benefits like a house, cars, luxury, etc. that make up a life, when a human is in need, the one thing they MOST VALUE is support of a fellow human being. Does being a young, male, spouse caregiver of an intersex patient who just had intersex surgery count?

One of the WORST ways you can hurt a fellow human being is by hurting their innocent, voiceless children. It is not ruining a person financially, legally, or even killing them, when you abuse someone’s children with NO JUSTICE, a person breaks down and is living dead but has to continue living for the sake of their victimized children. Is alienating one IVF sibling from rest of his loving, biological family AND abandoning another IVF sibling in legal limbo count as the worst way to treat a human being in a white collar crime? Would water boarding of an adult which has been called as a torture be better than this because the real victims here are innocent IVF siblings who are being punished for crimes they did not commit.

For any parent, injustice and abuse against their children is intolerable. If parents speak up not using the “R” word for their children or wanting inclusion in school activities for all children or wanting a foot bridge over a bayou for their children on their way to school, is it too much to ask for an IVF parent to have proper LEGAL status for their IVF children? Only if a person has proper legal identity then they have legal rights until then they have no legal rights because they legally do not exist even though they exist physically.

I Cannot Raise My Son Because I Am Raising His Sister – My Daughter

I love my son very much, I miss my son very much, I miss him missing out on growing up with a sibling he wished for. As one struggles through the IVF-Crueltyinadequacies of the laws for intersex, immigrant, IVF families of 2000s, one has to wonder why punish innocent, voiceless children? Any system of justice is based on a few basic assumptions – (1) To punish an innocent is far greater crime than delivering justice to millions. (2) Justice delayed is justice denied. (3) Justice should be repeatable meaning whatever the outcome is, others should be able to benefit from it without breaking any laws. (4) Humans are not perfect, laws are not perfect but to discriminate and punish innocent child victims is a far greater crime against their humanity. And then to justify the discrimination by shoving it under the carpet is not working towards a solution rather only further victimizing innocent victims. I, a male immigrant, an IVF father cannot be with both my two IVF children at the same time because the laws do not allow us. Perhaps having children through IVF as a male was so heinous a crime that both me and my innocent IVF children should be punished for it. My innocent son cannot read bed time stories to his sister (like I used to read to him and promised my son that he can do the same with his sibling) is because my innocent IVF children are born of an immigrant, IVF father. My daughter cannot kiss and hug her brother like she wants to because my innocent IVF children are born of an immigrant, IVF father. Abuse me, why abuse my innocent children? Discriminate against me, why discriminate against my innocent children?

If it were 1800, when slavery was legal, to suggest to a person that if they don’t want to be a slave, they should change their skin color may have been “legal” for the time. But its 2000s and times have changed. If I were that person, I would keep my skin color the way it is and rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights for me and everyone like me. A story of an immigrant, IVF father in 2014 is similar, rather than “accomodating” to the discriminatory laws of today, would rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights of IVF children and families.

Left with whether to live in US with a comfortable job and enjoy my IVF son grow up OR raise my IVF daughter stuck in India because she is born to a US father? What would you do? Could you sleep knowing you abandoned a child you wanted and consented to? I do not know what birth mothers feel like who have had to give up their children due to their personal circumstances. I am sure it hurts them with a big hole in the heart that no one can see. What does an IVF parent feel when forced to give up their child due to lack of laws – that we do know? When a man abandons an innocent child, he could be the child’s father, the husband to the mother of the child, or an abandoner of the child. What “name” will the mother of the child refer him with – Husband, Father or Abandoner? When an IVF parent is abandoned with an IVF child, what do you call the other intended IVF parent who also consented to the IVF child but decided later to not want the child? It is NOT about whether someone is raising a child well, it is about were laws broken and whether that’s what the child wants, if the child is happy, can he be happier? Ms. Pettway raised a wonderful daughter – someone so smart that she figured out she had been removed from her birth family at 19 days. What does the innocent child victim want? It is not the “standard yard sticks” of whether the child is getting food, shelter, water, education, freedom, be allowed to grow and develop. It is about right Vs wrong. It is about truth Vs. lies. It is about respecting laws Vs. breaking laws. It is about being honest to the innocent children – the ultimate jury. I do not know what surrogates feel like when they give the IVF child to the intended parents? Some feel “mission accomplished” because they were able to help a fellow human being. If “intended parents” are given rights to an IVF child, should the “intended parents” also share the responsibility and accountability for the welfare of the IVF child? Because without the consent of “intended parents” and their finances, there would have been no IVF child. What if the “intended parents” decide to abandon an IVF child? What are the rights of the IVF child? Who cares for the welfare of the IVF child that the “intended parents” consented to? Is the IVF child a human being who deserves basic human dignity and respect or can they be discarded with no consequences? I suppose if a person who needs a heart, can create a clone, rip their heart out and use it for themselves fully knowing that without a heart, the clone cannot survive but I suppose that’s the “clone’s problem” and not the person who consented and paid for the clone, right? Because they must have a heart at all costs or they will die. Is all human life equal? Whether its a clone, an IVF child, a beggar, a poor man, a rich man, an IVF father, an immigrant, an intersex person, a DNA mismatch IVF parent, etc – are they all equal?

Humans have dealt with infertility since humankind has been around. Infertility affects “humans” and not just a man or woman. But the fertility laws are not reflective of these facts. It is one thing to discriminate and abuse a human based on color of their skin OR their caste OR their nationality OR their gender OR their sexual orientation but to discriminate innocent children based on their parent’s actions flies against everything we consider dignified and civil about humanity in 2000s. May be it was a heinous crime to try and help an intersex, immigrant person in 2000s where laws itself fall short? As we struggle to make sense of this madness, we cannot find a precedent. Surely, it must have happened to someone else but infertility is dealt with secrecy and lies meaning not too many people talk about it (we didn’t!). Or dealing with IVF is too new and there simply are not laws which have caught up with technology. Regardless how we end up as a community in the future there will be equal rights for IVF children and families, and even then SPLITTING innocent IVF brother and sister will still be wrong.

The authorities claim no laws have been broken yet they cannot cite a law which allows a US parent to bring an IVF child born outside the US with no genetic link. By denying facts, will it magically help other innocent IVF children and families who run into DNA mismatches and lack a genetic link? The authorities claim same-sex immigration was made possible in 2013 yet they cannot explain why no laws were broken if it were done before then. The right answer is to change the laws and not break the laws. People who break the laws are criminals. A criminal is also someone’s sister or brother, someone’s son or daughter, someone’s father or mother but they broke the laws and for that should their innocent children be punished? Do current laws allow US parents with no genetic link to bring a child born outside the US? Is “wishful thinking” in line with current laws? Is SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings due to lack of laws and its manipulation the best answer? It is clear laws have been broken, it is clear that humans who help others have no protection or justice from the system, it is clear two innocent IVF siblings are being punished for crimes they did not commit. Will we continue to solve this using secrecy, lies, deception, denials, apathy, threats, persecution or actually grow a spine and take action and change laws so this never happens again?

Attempted Death of an IVF Parent and his IVF Children

Imagine being at the top of a waterfall, the scenic beauty, the flowing water and the radiant top of the world feel. Imagine being on theivf-saving-children banks holding your 5 year old kid’s hand and talking to him about his little sister. Just then a tsunami strikes and you are in the water with one hand holding your son’s hand who is on the river bank and in your other hand you have his new born sister who is facing downstream towards the waterfall. What would you do? If you let go off the infant, it’s guaranteed death either by drowning or the fall when she hits the waterfall. On the other side, if you try to save the infant you have to let go of the hand you are holding your son with. The water is rushing, it’s a tsunami, you have to think fast, not much time, what will you do? Save the infant or save the 5 year old – you are a parent to both children and love them equally?  Or take the plunge down the waterfall with the infant and give her a fighting chance to survive or die trying to save her. You could just let go off the infant and save your 5 year old and have another child.  What would you do? Oh yeah, the infant happens to be the sibling that your son wants.  So if you let her go, what will you answer your son? As a fellow American, the question to ask the soul of America is does the US condone behavior where US persons give consent to have an IVF child abroad through a donor and surrogate and later abandon the IVF child with no responsibility or accountability towards the innocent IVF child or the surrogate? If they had done the same in the US, would the US legal system have prosecuted them and at the very least made them accountable for the welfare of the child? Are the needs of an IVF child just the same as other children to grow, develop and prosper? Then why is there discrimination? What’s next – illegal human cloning to get a heart or other organ a person wants regardless of what happens to the clone once the heart is salvaged? Do other people including innocent children have rights? The worst is that innocent, voiceless children are the victims and being discriminated. No parent, IVF or otherwise, mother or father, wants that for their child. Time will tell whether saving an infant from drowning at a waterfall or allowing them to die is a better choice? It is a choice that no parent should ever have to make – IVF or otherwise, mother or father, fertile or infertile, immigrant or citizen, human or not. As a parent, is it better to die OR to survive and be able tell the truth so that no more innocent, voiceless victims suffer? Maybe the plan was for the IVF parent to die either from trauma or by suicide so no legal challengers exist. But he survived, his daughter survived, the sister survived, the brother survived and now its time to UNITE the innocent IVF brother and sister and NEVER have innocent IVF children be used as leverage or “tools” in the war on fertility. Most people when they approach a river, they admire it’s beauty. If its a fast downhill river with white water rapids, they admire that or if it’s a slow river, they admire the calm and serenity. Either way they admire it from the outside, perhaps take a few pictures for memories and go on. Most people do not step into the river to see the depth or is the bottom rocky or muddy or does it have vegetation, shrubs, plants, snakes, reptiles, etc. underneath the water. Even if they get knee deep, it’s not deep enough. For that, one needs to put their face inside the water to see what’s really going on. And that’s how one has to deal with the world of being an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. If you do the deeds, you will know the needs. The bigger question for humanity is do innocent children have their own human rights OR are they property of adults? Does an innocent brother have a right to grow up with his sister and vice versa? Do innocent children who have been used as chattel, leverage, tools, abandoned for personal ulterior motives have rights as a human being and do they deserve basic human dignity and respect?

IVF Lessons from Glenn Ford Exoneration

In a recent story about an innocent man, Mr. Glenn Ford, being exonerated brings both joy and frustration. The frustration is multiple fold that andna-exoneration-ivf innocent human was continually victimized. The joy is two fold – an innocent victim finally gets the freedom he deserves and second the silver lining that the US court has the strength and courage to admit its mistake and give credibility to an honest justice system based on facts. Mr. Jonathan Fleming also was exonerated for a wrongful conviction after 25 lost years.
“Glenn Ford is living proof of just how flawed our justice system truly is. We are moved that Mr. Ford, an African-American man convicted by an all-white jury, will be able to leave death row a survivor.”
“Vedant was split from his primary care provider, his father AND his sister he wanted because the comradrie involved were clueless about intersex, immigrant, IVF issues and laws. Maulik, a non-white and the father has survived abuse and torture but will Vedant and Medhavi get an opportunity to grow up together as intended or will they be punished for their IVF father’s gender?” If the same two children had been born to an IVF mother, would they have been split, then why the discrimination against the innocent IVF children?
What are the similarities of injustice and lack of due process?
1) While Mr. Ford spent over 30 years in prison for crimes he did not commit, there is no way an immigrant, IVF father can compare their situation other than respect for Mr. Ford. Mr. Ford was on death row while Maulik’s life is saved due to the love and support of family when placed into the most heinous situation.
2) The first comment Mr. Ford made after being freed is “he missed out on his son’s growing up“. Same here…we are missing out on Vedant growing up AND above all, we are missing Vedant on missing out growing up with Medhavi – a sibling he wanted –  we are just the messengers.
3) DNA evidence exonerated Mr. Ford, DNA evidence would also exonerate Vedant and Maulik. US laws require a DNA test for children born outside US, why were these rules not followed and now that it has been brought to the attention of the appropriate authorities, why is their refusal/denial to conduct the DNA tests  as required by US laws? A simple test would offer a chance to not one but TWO innocent childhoods to grow up together as intended.
4) The lawyers for Mr. Ford argued that “his trial was compromised by the unconstitutional suppression of evidence and by inexperienced counsel“. Ditto, same here. The difference is we NEVER got “due process” or a trial in court and implicitly neither did the innocent children get “due process”. All we received was intimidation like the false criminal charges of child abuse and contempt of court. Everything was done underhandedly either deliberately or being inexperienced in dealing with the complexity of an intersex, IVF, immigrant, international case in a Texas court. Regardless, has justice been served to Vedant and Medhavi – the real innocent victims wrongfully convicted to grow up separately? or do we have to wait 30 more years? No shots were fired but two innocent childhoods have been murdered because an infertile person who happens to lie and break laws must have a child. Maulik was the primary care provider for Vedant because the spouse was under medical treatment (something that the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has since called for a STOP), have Vedant’s feelings due to this close bond with his primary care provider (Maulik) been upheld or has the truth been shoved under the carpet? If “due process” was allowed, all the facts would have been submitted to the court. Without “due process”, there is no fair justice – it is single-sided much like it was for Mr. Ford and previously for the “Scottsboro boys”. The difference is the biggest innocent victims here are voiceless children.
5) The silver lining for here is the fact that a US court has the courage to accept its mistake and make it “right” even if after 30 years instead of shoving the truth under the carpet and create more innocent victims.
6) The issues we are dealing with are too new for 2000s. In the future when equal intersex rights exist, equal IVF children and family rights exist, equal immigration rights exist, abandoning children like Medhavi will still remain a crime regardless of “jurisdictions”. For its a crime against the humanity of the innocent IVF child. If innocent children in Thailand or Afghanistan can get justice from a US court for actions committed by US persons without the children ever setting foot on US soil, I am sure Medhavi deserves justice too. It may not be the Texas court we are in or maybe it is but will continue to find that court where Medhavi gets justice because she and other IVF children like her do not deserve this abusive and heinous treatment.
7) The crux of the case is abandoning a child and splitting siblings. If the two children were growing up together, would we have spoken up? If Medhavi were not abandoned and had the divorce been filed AFTER getting Medhavi to the US, could one have got custody of Vedant given the legality of marriage in question both in India and US, no biological link to children, and Maulik would have been a US Citizen by then while the spouse would still be a green card holder obtained via marriage whose validity itself is in question. Would she have been thrown out of the US for immigration fraud? No one will ever know, however, we do have a living breathing human life in Medhavi who deserves basic human dignity and respect and NOT to be used as a tool to secure her brother. Medhavi deserves justice and until her perpetrators and co-conspirators are roaming freely, it is not safe for us.  Medhavi has been used as leverage by an infertile person who happens to lie and her co-conspirators. We are simply picking up the pieces and trying to survive. What possible calamity had come upon the spouse to not come to India when Medhavi was born? Or was it pre-planned? 
8) In another case, a US Citizen IVF mother is NOT residing in the US with her now US Citizen IVF children (after waiting for 4.5 years). Again giving a ray of hope. So it is possible to live freely – the court needs to understand the facts first. If Maulik were a woman and was an IVF mother, would the IVF children – Vedant and Medhavi have been split? You may not want to accept it but this is a clear case of gender discrimination which is actually punishing innocent children. Gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers, IVF parents (mothers and fathers), we stand united.
9) The real issue is not whether Vedant is a US Citizen or not. The real issue is it has been 1635 days and counting since the siblings were deliberately and pre-meditatively SPLIT. As an immigrant, IVF father in 2000s, we are doing something about it and upholding Vedant’s wishes and rights. What has the other party done about uniting the brother and sister – if not for her sake then for sake of Vedant whom she claims to love dearly? What has the US government done in upholding Vedant’s rights if they claim he is a US Citizen? The US government does have a “humanitarian parole” at its disposal to make “exceptions”, why has the US Government not exercised humanitarian parole in the case of Medhavi? I cannot think of a better case to utilize the humanitarian issue. The Texas Court is part of the “US Government”. There is a shared responsibility here and we have to put the children’s best interest first…have other parties done that?
10) Maybe as IVF parents and children it is about time to question the system in a civilized, dignified and humble way? We need an option that preserves our basic human dignity and respect instead of further victimizing us. Suppose that one has been drinking the Kool-Aid too long, we know we did. The US is the “go-to” country when it comes to upholding human rights but in our rarest of the rare cases, it falls short. It is the ability of the US to accept the truth and move forward with leadership while setting an example for others, this is the slice where we lay hope for innocent IVF children and families. An IVF father has to be more patient than an IVF mother, a fellow IVF mother was patient for 4.5 years, Maulik has been patient for 4.6 years and counting, lets see how many more? They certainly cannot hold Vedant captive beyond his 18 years of age and truth will be known – perhaps there may even be new and equal laws by then which would prevent such heinous situations from occurring proving that we are on the right path and on the right side of history. Maulik always has been about upholding human rights – first with an intersex spouse and lack of rights both in India and the US and now IVF children and families.
All we ask is justice for innocent, voiceless IVF children. It may hurt the ego but it is about doing the right thing for the innocent children, it is not about us adults.