Tag Archives: secrecy

First Father’s Day

The year was 2004. I became a FATHER for the first time. Father’s day that year happened to fall on June 20, Father-Son-Daughter2004 – the third Sunday of June. For all my life, I had been looking forward to becoming a father. I became a father for the first time on June 17, 2004 but I was FORBIDDEN to tell anyone till June 24, 2004. I had to keep the birth of my first born child a secret and forced to lie about it. My first father’s day, June 20, 2004 passed by solemnly with NO childfare or fatherfare. There was NO CELEBRATION on arrival of my first born child, there was NO CELEBRATION for a first time father. That was our first father’s day. For what? It is not about words of “Happy Fathers Day” but the action behind it and it is important for someone to speak up against the slavery to secrecy and lying and ask for equal rights for IVF children and families. Sometimes, we all need a spark like Rosa Parks. I was left for dead but am happy to have come out alive instead through the love and support of my family.

Secrecy and Lies for What?

I was living in the US as an immigrant as an Indian citizen and was in an infertile marriage. I did not see the “I” in infertility during a marriage. Thats what marriages are about, you experience everything together as a couple. As a result, we had to opt for an expensive procedure called in vitro fertilization (IVF) in India. The other option was adoption which was not possible as immigrants in the US and there are other reasons too complicated to dive into here and requires a separate discussion. Suffice it to say, going for IVF was NOT an easy choice and was full of struggles, anxiety, uncertainty and so many other things which are hard to capture in words. Given our situation, I used my biological sperm and with help of some very compassionate women used an anonymous egg donor and surrogate to have an IVF child like a single father or a gay father would. However, I was forced into secrecy and lies under threats from the spouse and family to NOT utter the TRUTH to anyone. Everyone was led to believe that the spouse was the biological mother when it is IMPOSSIBLE. This resulted in staying SILENT when my first child was born instead of jumping up with joy and celebration and not to mention breaking of the laws. Anyone who has known me long enough knows how much I love kids and what a great celebration I had when my first niece was born. You can only imagine what it felt like being oppressed, abused and silenced when your first child is born. The SECRECY and LIES have cost us bitterly.

The Birth of the First Child – Is it a Crime?

The due date given to us by the fertility clinic for the IVF child was July 12, 2004. We were planning to leave on June 19, 2004 for India anyways and be there a few weeks early just in case and be sure to witness the child’s birth. On June 17, 2004 at about 2 am Houston time the phone rang and I thought what could be the emergency? It was a CONGRATULATORY call that the IVF child came early and I had just become a FATHER for the FIRST time. I was so overjoyed. And also sad that could not be there for my son’s birth. I was not AWAY at war or I was not AWAY on a business trip on why some fathers who miss a child’s birth. It is not that I did not care for the child and so missed his child’s birth. I missed the birth of my first child because I did not see the “I” in infertility during a marriage. I treated it as a “we” issue.

Rather than jumping with joy and distributing sweets and making phone calls to everyone you know and inform them of the wonderful bundle of joy that you have been blessed with, half a world away, we sat there brooding at our kismat. Our physical health was NOT great either. The spouse had broken her leg and had got ACL surgery done on the knee and was in recovery with use of one and a half leg and needed assistance in getting around. In the process of caregiving for her in silence and alone with NO help or support, maybe the stress got to me and I had shingles which had paralyzed my left arm. There we were, two people – one with a broken leg and the other with a paralyzed arm, who had just been named parents of an IVF child half a world away but could not see him, hug him, hold him and WORSE could not tell anyone of the joy. We had to LIE and be SECRETIVE about the first born child, had we committed a crime?

First Father’s Day

June 20, 2004 rolled around, my first father’s day but I did not get anything as a father, not even a wish. I could NOT tell anyone I was a father. I had to HOLD everything in because it would be “insensitive” somehow to say anything to an infertile, intersex spouse who is FORCING you to LIE and remain SILENT in her best interest. There was NO CELEBRATION on arrival of my first born child, there was NO CELEBRATION for a first time father. That was our first father’s day. Five years later, we were blessed again with a lovely IVF daughter born in the same way whose birth ALSO I missed. She came into this wonderful world after 3 years of trying and several failed IVF attempts. The trauma for an IVF father through this times is often misunderstood and misinterpreted or rather “stereotyped”. IVF fathers are also human beings and happen to care for their children just as much and protect them like a lion. I am living in EXILE with my IVF daughter and separated from my IVF son. Whether IVF fathers and their IVF children have human rights more than cats and dogs is a discussion for some other time.

Today, I cannot even participate in my IVF son’s life. I am FORBIDDEN to tell the TRUTH to my IVF son.II am alienated from my son. I was his primary care provider for his infant years for reasons too complex to get into here. But because I look like a man (reminds me of the SNL series from the 90s), I have NO rights and me and my IVF children are treated as slaves of secrecy and lying. It is NOT the intersex or INFERTILITY which is the issue but the SECRECY and LYING and breaking the laws with NO legal repurcusions. Incidentally, the birth date reported as on the birth certificate is of June 24, 2004 to satisfy the needs of the infertile spouse and family. Why are we still lying? Are we human and do we have rights too? It is time to speak up against the abuse, torture, forced silence under threats and just say the TRUTH.

EQUAL Rights for IVF Children and Families

Natural born children are just as beautiful as IVF children. Then why the difference in the laws? I love all children but the case for IVF children takes special precedence because no laws exist. It is dealt with secrecy and lies hurting the innocent, voiceless children. It is time to end the slavery to secrecy and lying and start saying the truth so we can get EQUAL laws like many other social justice issues that have come before us. Sometimes a spark like Rosa Parks is needed. I was left for dead but am happy to have come out alive instead through the love and support of my family.

Father’s Day come and go since then. But the dreadful memory of the first father’s day is hard to erase. It is offensive to be “stereotyped” as a male and as a parent just as much as a woman is “stereotyped at work”. The fact is that my innocent children are separated because of their parent’s gender – A MALE. Asking for EQUAL laws in the best interest of the children is this father’s dream. Is it OK to stand up against prevailing laws for equality – a page from Ms. Rosa Parks?

Don’t Try Human Rights At Home

From the famous American lexicon, “Don’t try this at home, kids”, I have learnt my own American story, “Don’tEqual Human Rights - Father try to give human rights at home“. As a human being, regardless of our race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, religion, nationality, caste, creed, and other etc etc, we are FIRST a human being. It is natural to feel compassion for a fellow human being and sometimes as individuals are faced with deep moral, ethical, and legal question about “human rights”. In cases where the laws itself fall short in “human rights”, do not try to do so on your own within the confines of your home. It may boomerang and falsely project you as a devil for personal gains of others. For example, if you believe gay marriage should be legal but its not yet, then the right answer is to fight and wait for equal laws. Do not BREAK the law and marry and present a fraud marriage certificate and claiming it as a legal marriage. In the long term, it will NOT help you. Also other gays wanting to marry and who are honest will not get their rights. Worse, your children may be placed in LEGAL LIMBO and punished inadvertently for crimes they did not commit.

Two Sides Of The Same Coin

A person who tries to show by action “human rights” at home where laws itself falls short is also a person who is an activist by nature. Its in their DNA. They are two sides of the same coin. The point is you cannot REMOVE the activist from a person who strongly believes in human rights.

Be the Change You Want to See in the World” – Mahatma Gandhi

The right answer is to petition the government in a democratic forum and ask for change in laws, not break the laws. The right answer is to be allowed an opportunity to say the truth to your kids as age appropriate. The right answer is to say the truth with compassion and show independence with love. That way every participant’s human rights and respect for basic human dignity and respect are maintained. If they can fight for other people’s human rights in their own way in the confines of their home in secrecy, they can ALSO fight for their own human rights. And the fight only gets stronger when innocent, voiceless children are involved. And the fight get even stronger when the innocent, voiceless children are your own.

Degree Of Abuse

While morality and ethics cannot be enforced, can prevailing laws be enforced? And if degree of abuse is a scale to be used in imparting justice and relief for the victims, it is important to consider all the facts of the case.

1) We have every sympathy for an intersex person and our action speaks louder than words. It is a miracle to be still alive after being left for dead. Before you speak up, please show your credentials and experience in dealing as a young, male, spouse caregiver AND and international IVF father to show authority in your message. Just like being gay is a personal but having EQUAL gay rights is a public policy issue. Similarly, being married to an intersex person and NOT reporting the fraud is personal but having EQUAL rights for spouse of intersex and international IVF father is a public policy issue. Incidentally, a spouse of gay is also gay so both are affected equally by gay rights or lack thereof. What about rights of a spouse of intersex? Being in love with someone is personal but being “legally married” to someone is a public policy issue.

2) Being intersex is by birth meaning it is NOT in their control but being honest or lie about it in a sacred relationship like marriage is in their control. To lie, cheat, and fraud unsuspecting spouses is completely in their control. Regardless of a straight or gay or intersex or lesbian relationship, any relationship built on a foundation of lies is bound to fail not because you are intersex or gay or straight but because it was lying to the person you claimed to love. Is this love? Is this love? Is this love that I am feeling? Or is it abuse? An unsuspecting young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex was placed in the situation because of another human beings actions Vs. an intersex person’s condition is natural. Which is a degree of greater abuse?

3) Education and awareness is spreading about intersex. Secrecy, lies and stigma are bigger culprits. There are more and more advocacy groups and support groups who are petitioning for equal laws. The point is an intersex person has an “outlet” to voice their concerns and issues. Where are the support groups and advocacy groups for a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND international IVF father to lend a “voice” for their issues and concerns and the inadequacy of the prevailing laws?

The specific list of abuses can be provided upon request both against the spouse and the children. We support equal rights for intersex but this is NO way to do it involving gross abuse of others rights especially innocent, voiceless children. Other intersex people who are being honest and living truthfully are leading the way for EQUAL intersex rights.

A Decade of Secrecy and Lying

“I am gay and I am proud.” If its OK to say that for a man, is it OK to say, “I am an IVF father and I am proud”?LoverNotFighter There are certain secrets that we take with us when we die if not for selfish reasons then to save someone else. But does that mean those “secrets” should be used as a WEAPON against you and worse, as a WEAPON against your innocent children? Or should such people be censored and silenced? What could be the possible motives behind “sushing” people, otherwise known as oppression and abuse. The common theme is whenever fighting for social justice, first the minority is abused and silenced and later given their EQUAL rights while in the meantime several INNOCENTS suffer. Eventually, the TRUTH makes it out and always finds a way. It takes courage to say the truth and stand behind the truth against all adversities. Thanks to the strong values instilled by parents, I am still alive after the heinous and horrific torture and abuse for a decade. Let us see if truth continues the same or provides a ray of hope for me and my innocent IVF children? No one is saying that a life of an intersex and infertile person is NOT traumatic but to use secrecy, lies, threats and abuse as a weapon to perpetrate crimes against unsuspecting, innocent is far worse. We are sympathetic to the intersex person both in words and action but having our children in LEGAL LIMBO is far WORSE. It is SECRECY AND LYING the real culprits. What we are seeking is a solution as a way forward, not a continuation of secrecy and lies of the past. To the medical community who actively participates in this secrecy and lying which is a CRIME, walk in our shoes for one day to understand the repurcusions of secrecy and lying making victims out of innocent intersex people, families of intersex people and lives of innocent children. While their hearts may be in the right place, their decisions are NOT.

Victimized Children

Had the two innocent IVF siblings NOT BEEN SPLIT, this story may have never made it out. Granted, the FACTS are very unique, and one has to ask themselves, can this be a happenstance or for FACTS to be so TWISTED, was it pre-meditated to SPLIT the IVF children? I want IVF children to be in NO LEGAL LIMBO so they can ENJOY EQUAL PROTECTION UNDER THE LAW. Is it wrong for a parent to want EQUAL rights for their children?

We are dealing with a TRIPLE WHAMMY – intersex, infertility, immigration but ABOVE ALL we are dealing with secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, and threats. We simply CANNOT abandon an innocent child, we have to fight for TRUTH. If you have a case precedence, please do let us know, we are all ears.

Historically, slaves were tried to be “sushed” but they got liberty, women suffrage was not welcome initially but they got liberty (and some may say, there is still ways to go for equal rights for women), same result with civil rights and apartheid, end to colonialism including where leaders like Mahatma Gandhi was tried for “sedition charges”, the infamous “baby scoop era” only to apologize later, the gay rights movement still under way. Then we have IVF (infertility) and intersex. To truly understand this case, one would have to “fast forward” a few decades. In the meantime, there are VICTIMS who are suffering because of SECRECY AND LIES and the resulting crimes from the lies.

People who are infertile are DESPERATE to have a child and may present fraud documents or kidnap children or even KILL people to have a child at any and all costs. People who are seeking JUSTICE continue to speak the TRUTH without HARMING anyone because they understand the POWER OF TRUTH…it may take time, but TRUTH prevails, there is NO need to harm, defame, lay false allegations, abuse, silence, threaten anyone.

Core Issue – Truth

One can see why an infertile and intersex person wants to defame, lay false allegations, commit perjury, fraud, abuse, alienation, and other crimes just so that they can have control of an innocent IVF child. If you TRULY LOVE a child, you would teach them TRUTH with COMPASSION. The issue is neither intersex NOR infertility (IVF) but LYING, FRAUD, ABUSE and complete DISREGARD for the LAWS. And then wanting to censor and silence the TRUTH for selfish gains. How will other intersex people BENEFIT by staying silent? How will other binational immigrant infertile parents who may use IVF BENEFIT by staying silent? The right answer is education and spreading awareness and getting EQUAL rights.

Years ago breast cancer or cancer in general was considered TABOO and created more confusion by the secrecy surrounding it. Today, education and awareness has NOT only changed it but also we celebrate both the cancer patient and caregiver. If a gay couple are madly in love with each other in 1960s, would they go to a different country and get a “marriage certificate” and present it in the US as a “valid marriage certificate” knowing fully well its fraudulent. Even if the couple “gets by”, does it HELP the gay rights cause? Or is it better to advocate and get EQUAL rights and wait to get married. Just ask the thousands of “same-sex” couple getting married LEGALLY in 2012, 2013 and so on…

Change For the Future

I am an IVF parent and I am proud. I want my IVF children to know the truth, not learn secrecy and lying. After a DECADE of secrecy and lying, I have learnt that more than helping anyone, it punishes innocent VICTIMS. Lets get into the SOCIAL JUSTICE by education and advocacy. It may take time like other social justice issues of the past but its the RIGHT thing to do. In the meantime, if I am to be censored or oppressed or abused, it is NOTHING new of how humanity DEALS WITH CHANGE. Has history taught us something or are we still as RIGID to CHANGE? Time will tell.

The Three I’s – Intersex, IVF, Immigration

If you had to narrow down the case into three things – the three “I”s, they are Intersex, IVF (infertility), Immigration. Historically IVFRightsand still true as we speak, all three areas are dealt with secrecy and lying including instances where laws are broken claiming “greater good” or humanitarian reasons. This case is a few decades or maybe a few centuries ahead of us. For example, women suffrage came at the beginning of 20th century but ask around and you will get the real pulse whether “equal rights” for women exist or not anywhere in the world now? The point is it takes decades if not centuries when it comes to issues of social justice. The BIGGER point is these kind of issues span generations and so an individual can spend an entire lifetime and still have NOTHING to show for it. But does that mean the HUMAN SPIRIT should be bottled up or let freedom ring? There is a TRIPLE WHAMMY in this case and all with issues of secrecy, lying, fraud, abuse, threats, crimes in the name of “greater good”. There is a fourth “I” and the fourth whammy, albeit the most important one and the sole reason for speaking up.

The Fourth “I”

The fourth “I” is INVISIBLE. Because of secrecy and lies, the laws are lacking in each case and the individuals affected by these scenarios are largely “invisible” in the eyes of the law. So how do we get JUSTICE and RELIEF for the VICTIMS when they are “invisible” in the eyes of law? Placing individuals and that too innocent children in a situation of LEGAL LIMBO is far worse than the condition itself. This case forces one to discuss ALL the “I”s simultaneously let alone any one single issue. “Uphill task” seems like a small word rather climbing Mt. Everest in January seems more appropriate – Death is inevitable. But the HUMAN SPIRIT is such it wants to persevere for TRUTH. It wants to at least TRY for the sake of innocent IVF children – the most vulnerable of vulnerable. Let DEATH come whether literally or through oppression, silence, false penalties, etc. – TRUTH cannot be stopped. The TRUTH MUST come out. Since this is a generational long fight, only the TRUTH will survive and eventually will offer a SOLUTION (equal laws).

End Secrecy with Truth and Respect

If you were to take any one issue at a time – be it intersex or IVF or Immigration, its a controversial topic by itself. Add to that the complexity of secrecy and lying and as a result one spends MORE TIME in defending the LIES rather than working towards a solution. As the saying goes, one lie leads to a thousand lies. If a person has committed Immigration fraud, they are NOT going to volunteer that information. If a person is intersex, they are NOT going to volunteer that information although more people are being honest realizing its the right way to go. By staying silent, their rights are being violated. If you are IVF, you do not even know what it means until you are 14-18. Too LATE to ask for ANY rights by then. That is assuming your parent or your guardian is HONEST with you. It is possible to start a whole new cycle of secrecy and lies again- the WORST thing to do to an innocent child. Regardless of what the solutions are for intersex, IVF, Immigration, by discussing the issues faced, we can end the secrecy with truth and respect.

Whether you are liberal or conservative,
Whether you are pro-life or pro-choice,
Whether you are pro-immigration or anti-immigration,
Whether you are pro-IVF or anti-IVF,
Whether you are pro-adoption or anti-adoption,
Whether you agree in same-sex marriage equality or opposed to it,

the FUNDAMENTAL issue is TRUTH. When you are presented with decisions in life from your conscience,

Will you choose TRUTH or SECRECY and LIES?
Will you SACRIFICE innocent children or UPHOLD their rights?
Will you fight to get RELIEF for VICTIMS or VICTIMIZE innocent, unsuspecting people?
Will you BREAK the LAWS or RESPECT the LAWS?
And where LAWS fall short, will you fight to get NEW LAWS or BREAK the LAWS and silence any voice against the TRUTH?

Where is the “greater good” in deliberately placing innocent children in LEGAL LIMBO? That directly results in taking AWAY their LEGAL rights.

2101: An IVF Siblings Odyssey

The year is 2101.

Equal rights for IVF children and IVF ecosystem exist. The struggles for equal LGBT rights, same-sex marriage, adoption rights by LGBT has been had. Equal rights for 2101 : IVF siblings odysseyintersex has been had. Intersex marriages are legalized. There is a global recognition of the existence of the “third gender”. It is no longer taboo to discuss the truth. Adoptions by intersex are legalized. IVF/surrogacy by intersex is legalized. We have already LIVED this life of secrecy, lies and fraud in 2000s, maybe a century too early. Living a life of secrecy, lies and fraud and then having your children bear the punishment is too much to bear. Fast forward to 2101. It is common to see gay couples raising children without a “traditional mother”. It is common to see single men raising children without a “traditional mother”. “Social acceptance” of parenthood definitions are changing. Will an IVF father have rights to raise his biological children? More traumatically, will the children of an IVF father who are biological siblings be DISCRIMINATED against because of their IVF father’s gender, a male?

Are spouse of intersex and children in an intersex family in 2013 in same place where Jeanne Manford was in 1972? It is rather ironical that social justice and equality is delivered when someone dies or respect is only earned after death. I was left for dead, however the love for my children helped me survive. IVF children symbolize “GIVING LIFE” and NOT taking life. This struggle for equal IVF child rights and equal IVF family rights which may include heterosexuals, gays, lesbians, intersex is a peaceful struggle. We ask everyone to join us and help us accelerate the inevitable.

Here is a BOLD statement: “SINGLE WOMEN SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN AND ARE FORCED TO GIVE THEM UP FOR ADOPTION BY THE STATE”.

If it makes your hair stand up or gives you the churns in the stomach or simply makes you think what a STUPID statement, this is exactly what governments of Canada, Australia and other countries in the 1960s and 70s did because “single mothers” were “socially unacceptable”. It was state-sponsored forced adoption of innocent children from loving mothers whose ONLY fault was they were single and they lived in a primitive time.

In 2013, somehow it is OK to forcibly take a child away from an IVF father who loves his child deeply and the child loves his father deeply.

As the old addage goes, HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. There is no doubt that in a not too distant future, IVF fathers will be “socially acceptable” and their children will have EQUAL rights as a natural born child and NOT BE DISCRIMINATED against because of their father’s gender. An IVF father can be a loving single father, a gay father or a spouse of intersex. Imagine in the future when looking back and thinking, my what a STUPID thing was it to separate loving biological families.

After World War II, in the US there were forced adoptions of native American children to white American families in an attempt to better assimilate the native Americans with the rest. Diversity was not respected. Today, the same government is conducting TRUTH and RECONCILIATION commissions. The children who grew up SEPARATELY from their biological parents are confused. No words can describe their feelings. We can assume that the white American families who adopted the children gave the best care and love in raising the children but as the innocent children ask, WHY? It is NEVER acceptable to DESTROY and SEPARATE loving biological families.

Sadly in a country like India, female foeticide or infanticide still occurs. But if an IVF girl child is pre-meditatively abandoned and left for dead, there is NO repurcusions. If an egg donor dies during an IVF procedure, does she have any human rights? Are there any legal repurcusions and who should be held liable? If a surrogate dies during an IVF child pregnancy or birth, does she have any human rights? Are there any legal repurcusions? Is IVF being inadvertently used as a “baby making factory” with no respect for basic rights for the innocent IVF child and the IVF ecosystem as a whole?

Social Engineering will always be experimented for the so-called “greater good”. And in doing so, living on the “edge” and taking extreme decisions as a system may seem “normal”. But certain things remain constant, like CHANGE and TRUTH. By placing a human on the moon, the need for OXYGEN does not go away. Even if the human is tethered to an object in space, a lifeline with OXYGEN must be maintained. Do all the “SOCIAL ENGINEERING” you want, NOT MAINTAINING a tether with a loving BIOLOGICAL FAMILY is too risky and with UNKNOWN results for the innocent CHILD who has NO VOICE.

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