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Why IVF Children Need Rights as Individuals?

National Coming Out Day is October 11. I am an IVF father and I am a proud IVF father of my IVF children and I am coming out. Nazi Intersex IVF HistoryIf a gay father can tell his child the truth, why can’t an IVF father tell the truth to his IVF child? United Nation (UN) declared October 11 is International Girl Child Day. Is IVF girl child an equal? Is it offensive to withhold the truth from innocent IVF children and deny them their rights? Is this “freedom”? The lack of laws for IVF children is why as an IVF parent I am coming out in support of “rights of IVF chidlren”. Before we discuss the rights of an IVF father, it is important to understand the current legal landscape for IVF children based on gender and biology of parent. Like with any parent-child relationship, there is an emotional component and a legal component. The emotional component is the same in an IVF parent-child relationship, however the legal component is widely different and is based on gender and biology with the parent. The lack of laws for IVF children and families is why we need to discuss the “rights of an IVF father”. More importantly, the IVF children of an IVF father are discriminated against and are the ones being punished for crimes they did not commit. The intent is clearly to protect the best interest of the IVF child and some very sensitive topics may be discussed which are true and factual in the spirit of getting equal rights for IVF children and families. Let’s get on the right side of history. If we can show compassion to an intersex adult despite breaking multiple laws, why can’t we show compassion to innocent IVF children? We are looking for a way out for victims, not a hand out to this 21st century issue.

Who is an IVF father?

An IVF father is a parent who loves his children and children who love their father. As per US Government’s own research, it shows the positive influence and aspects in children with a father. For the purposes of this discussion, the analogous of an IVF father is an IVF mother who used her egg but used a surrogate to have a child. Women who are undergoing fertility treatments to birth their own child are not part of this discussion. The focus of this discussion is strictly from a legal perspective and the lack of laws which is hurting the IVF children more than the parents. An IVF father can be someone who is a gay father or a single father or if you are an intersex spouse. Should IVF fathers in a heterosexual relationship be considered? Do IVF fathers love their IVF children any less? Does infertility affect men any differently especially some IVF fathers who have been through the same roller coaster ride of IVF emotionally, financially, socially, spiritually, and so on?  And when the IVF child is born and the IVF parent finds out that his IVF child is discriminated against because of his gender, how is that supposed to make a parent feel? After the years of anxiety, lost careers, sleepless nights, trauma, other losses, how is an IVF parent supposed to “equate” to his IVF children that they are somehow less because of his gender?  Currently the IVF laws are based on biology and gender. Why not have IVF laws in the  best interest of the IVF children?  What is so wrong about that? or should we rob from a child like taking icecream from a little child?  If an IVF father uses a compassionate surrogate to have a child (and a compassionate egg donor) Vs an IVF mother uses a compassionate surrogate to have a child (and a compassionate sperm donor) Vs an IVF mother uses both a compassionate egg donor and sperm donor and uses her own womb, why are the laws different for the same IVF child? What crime has the child committed to be treated differently based on a parent’s gender and biology? Because infertility and IVF are dealt with secrecy, stigma and lies there is not open discussion and stifles information sharing and only now scientific studies are emerging based on facts. A recent study claims that because the way the IVF children are born with the fertility treatments, hormones, and other things, IVF children are a third more likely to develop cancer or are at 90% risk of brain cancer and 65% risk of leukemia. God forbid but if an IVF child who has been taken away from his biological family needs a bone marrow transplant tomorrow, will the “fraud birth documents” help save is life or w will truth save his life? The biological parent is more than happy to give an organ if it saves his IVF son’s life but first the truth has to be accepted. The reality is IVF children have certain unique needs because of the nature of their birth as opposed to natural born children including adopted children. What are the rights of the IVF child?

Stateless IVF Children

What if the samples are accidentally swapped in the IVF clinic and there is a DNA mismatch. Is the love for the IVF child any less from the commissioning parent? More importantly, what are the rights of the IVF child? What if the “paying adults” (commissioning parents) decide to divorce during an IVF pregnancy, what are the rights of the IVF child? As gender roles are changing, as society is becoming more accepting of gay fathers, single fathers, or fathers who are primary care providers in a traditional marriage, have the laws caught up? More importantly, have the IVF laws and immigration laws caught up with the technology in the best interest of the IVF children? Not to long ago during the baby scoop era, children were forcibly given up for adoption to well-meaning parents and taken away from their biological mothers because their only fault was to be born to “single mothers” who were not “socially acceptable” at the time. Again the innocent children were discriminated due to the circumstances of the parent. A lot of the adoptive parents may be unknowing of the facts and may have raised the child lovingly, but what is right for the child? Why are adopted children looking for their birth parents now? Today it would be unthinkable to take a child away from a biological mother only based on the fact that she is “single”. Is history repeating itself? Truth is the only salvation and children are very smart and figure it out. Especially IVF children because they have a weird sixth sense about things. The hope is that by the time these stateless IVF children grow up into adults, we will have made a dent in bringing equal rights for IVF children and families, it is something very much they can appreciate unless they have been lied to about their IVF birth. Ironically by lying to IVF children, instead of using an opportunity for learning, we are teaching them the worst of humanity which is lying, crimes and abuse in silence. The humanity is that through compassion of fellow human beings, an IVF child is born – a gift to be cherished and celebrated, not hidden and persecuted. 

If there is compassion for intersex, why not compassion for IVF child?

There is a strong link between intersex and IVF and how it is dealt with – lack of laws, secrecy, lies, forcing people to break laws. As a society we need to learn from our mistakes instead of repeating them in the best interest of children. Most people may not have heard about intersex or IVF repeating mistakes or learning(in vitro fertilization) or may not be affected by it – both are minorities. As per NIH data, about 1 in 2000 births are intersex while 1 in 20000 births are born with Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) – a subset of intersex. As per CDC data, about 1% of births in the US are through IVF while in a recent report, we as a world crossed the 5 million mark of having produced IVF children since its inception in 1978. Clearly, both are minorities and what is the link between the two? Secrecy and lies are never an answer to any issue. If there is increasing social conscience for intersex, should there be increasing social conscience for innocent, voiceless IVF children and families?

For us the reason for speaking up is a little IVF daughter who needs the compassion on humanitarian grounds. For us the reason to speak up is a little IVF son, her brother who needs the compassion on humanitarian grounds. Lending that to a greater good for equal rights for IVF children and families and equal rights for intersex families, even better.

  • Intersex children who are born CAIS are born with male testes – this is natural. Due to stigma and secrecy, the medical community has dealt with sensitive issues with lies and breaking the laws. If compassion is shown to intersex children, why can’t we show compassion to IVF children?
  • Intersex children were and still are being discriminated, should we repeat the discrimination now against innocent IVF children?
  • If Immigration laws require a parent to have a “biological link” with a child born outside the US, then how can an infertile intersex person bring an IVF child born outside the US without breaking the laws? And if we are going to look the other way and show compassion to an intersex person instead of changing the laws then why can’t we show compassion to IVF children also? What if there is a DNA mismatch due to an accident at the IVF clinic, should we punish the innocent IVF child by making them stateless or help them get out of legal limbo?
  • Parents of intersex are either taught to lie to their child and others by the medical community or they learn to lie due to secrecy and stigma. Should parents of IVF children also lie and how will this help the IVF child?
  • Intersex children who grow up as adults feel betrayed due to the lies and secrecy and are demanding for a change. Recently, a first of its kind legal case was filed in the US for such controversial unnecessary intersex surgery. What should IVF children do who have been lied to and what will they do when they grow up into adults?
  • There are medical professionals who do exist who have created fraudulent medical records with very bad consequences on innocent victims later. repeating criesBut at least there is a legal recourse as legal cases are now being filed. Similarly, IVFphiles also exist who place innocent IVF children in legal limbo or make them stateless, how do we ensure and protect the rights of an IVF child or are they dispensable human beings at the cost of infertile affluent adults?
  • The medical community claims that if the male testes are not surgically removed, there is a risk of testicular cancer. What is the risk profile? Is it 5-10% risk? There are now studies available which claim that IVF children are a third more likely to develop cancer, 65% chance of leukemia. Should we continue to lie or help the IVF children by allowing access to the biological family in their own best interest?
  • This widely “accepted” intersex surgery for decades has been called to a STOP by the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture in 2013 and thus showing that secrecy and lies are a failed approach. Should we subject similar “torture” on innocent IVF children in the name of secrecy and lies for next few decades and what good outcome will come out of that? How many more victims will the lies create and should we repeat our mistakes as a society or should we teach the future to accept the truth and empower them?
  • In some countries intersex are given a legal recognition by respecting the truth which is “third gender”. Western countries are coming around and also recognizing the “third gender” which allows people the freedom to live in truth and respect instead of secrecy and stigma. If third gender exists, there will also be equal laws for the third gender to marry legally so that unsuspecting spouses don’t have to victimized and frauded into a marriage. There are intersex people who feel male or female or neither or both (as in third gender). Regardless what is important to recognize is allowing a person the freedom to feel what they want including spouses of intersex – a hybrid model of east and the west, truth with compassion.
  • Immigration rights for same-sex marriages did not exist in the US pre-2013 (DOMA). What if an intersex person committed immigration fraud and got into the US while thousands of other same-sex couples waited years if not decades for their equal rights? If we can show compassion to an intersex person for immigration despite laws having been broken, why not show compassion to an innocent IVF girl child for immigration?
  • A person with CAIS is a genetic male and sadly is infertile. When an IVF child is born, should a genetic male be allowed to “breastfeed” an IVF child when there is no milk? And if thats OK, then why can’t the biological father also take the same hormones and try to lactate and breastfeed the IVF child? It is sad enough that the IVF child has been taken away from the surrogate without any breast milk and then to subject him to abuse and starving him due to lack of milk in the breasts of genetic male. There are adoptive mothers or non-surrogates who have successfully breastfed adopted or IVF children with hormones. Two big differences – one is they are female and the second is presence of milk. Wishful thinking is great but not at the cost of secrecy and lies about abuse of an innocent IVF infant. How many mothers come home with infants from hospital and ask the fathers to breastfeed? Try to get in the shoes of an IVF father. If this is not child abuse, what is? What is the “greater good” in robbing candy from a child?

The lessons to be learnt are from Tony Briffa and Edie Windsor who accept the facts and respect the laws. They are educating and
spreading awareness for the greater good. Secrecy, lies, breaking the laws is a dead-end and does no good to anyone – the truth may help just one if not all and if done right at the very least truth may not hurt anyone.

Because What’s Right is Right and What’s Wrong is Wrong

Should we lie to our children or should we teach them to lie or are children smart and learn from our lying? Therise-fall conventional wisdom is one should not lie to children, say the truth but in an age appropriate manner and most certainly without breaking any laws. However, do all parents adhere to this? By lying to children we are creating a whole new generation of WRONG.

1) Trauma or No Trauma?

An intersex person is born this way naturally but yet the secrecy and lying make it some “unnormal” condition. One intersex person may claim their situation is very traumatic, another may take offense to the word, “trauma” and would rather see it as just is. What about someone who has to DEAL with all the issues of intersex in secrecy and lying while breaking the laws? If its NOT TRAUMATIC, then what would be the need to create false and fraudulent medical records?

Some people may try to play a spin on it and claim, well that’s just the way we have dealt with the condition for decades – with secrecy, lying and fraud medical records. Right, and ask the intersex person who was the victim how they feel about it? Just because we have been committing crimes as an institution for decades, it still remains a CRIME. Even if the “institution” claims it is not a crime, how does robbing from a child using lies make it “right”? In a first of its kind case, a court in the US recently admitted a case that claims the intersex surgery on innocent children is unconstitutional. Lying to children, lying to parents, is WRONG. Times are changing…is it WRONG to lie to spouses of intersex also?

2) Lessons learnt – TRUTH or LIES?

The lesson learnt is CLEAR. Lying to children in WRONG. Parents of intersex children who were either lied to or were forced to lie to their intersex children is also WRONG. Empowering with TRUTH is the right answer. The right answer is to get equal rights for intersex and discuss the issues that face intersex families and get laws. As canaries in the coal mine who miraculously survived, lying to children does not help the child. When the child grows up into an adult, they may NOT like their parents who lied to them. Worse, they may also LIE and hurt others. It’s a vicious circle.

Should we LIE to IVF children? Should an IVF parent be forced to LIE to his IVF child? The society, the doctors, the laws all want the IVF parent to LIE to his IVF son. Should these LIES be used against the innocent, voiceless IVF child to separate him from his siblings and family? And how exactly will that HELP the innocent, voiceless IVF child? The right answer is to discuss the issues of international IVF children and families and get laws. It maybe a lifelong fight but its the right fight.

3) The Right Fight for a Parent

Just like an intersex person will always have close ties to intersex issues, IVF children and families will always have close ties to IVF issues. We are BORN THIS WAY. What’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. Understanding and sympathizing with desperation of an intersex person is one thing but to REPEAT the secrecy and lies with a whole new class of children and creating new victims due to secrecy and lying is different.

An intersex parent may have been lied to or were taught to lie to their intersex child. How has that helped? Why REPEAT the same with another class of minority – IVF children and parents? How will that help? How do you get justice and relief as victims using secrecy? For a parent, it is one thing to be slapped BUT to have your innocent child SLAPPED is more than a school yard fight. Because this SLAP is about dignity and respect for basic human rights and NOT treat innocent, voiceless IVF children like “property”. Its a SLAP that NO other IVF child or parent should have to endure or experience. Having experienced intersex, IVF, immigration, lies, breaking laws, secrecy and beyond, it is time to STOP and place children FIRST.

A Canadian couple had opted for IVF in India but due to an accident at the IVF clinic in India, the sample got swapped and thus there was a DNA mismatch. As per prevailing immigration laws, the IVF child could NOT immigrate to Canada without a “biological link”. The non-biological IVF parents gave up everything in Canada and moved to India for 6 years and fought for 6 years to have the IVF child legally taken to Canada. It is NOT about the biology, it is about LOVE and TRUTH and while they had 6 horrific years they never planned or imagined, their prayers were answered because they spoke the TRUTH. In the end, what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong.

In another IVF case in India, the non-biological parent from the US never came to India on an IVF child’s birth and thus abandoning her. The IVF child is still languishing in LEGAL LIMBO and STATELESS after 4 years of innocent life. Why bother commissioning IVF if this is the horror to level on an innocent, voiceless child? Where was the non-biological US parent?

I Will Fight till I’m Dead

“I will fight till I’m Dead”, said Jason Patric who fathered a child through IVF. It’s the bond that people create. I never give up till deathLOVE MY SON and there is NOT a MOMENT I do not think about him or miss him.

If Mr. Patric is a “sperm donor” even though he has a biological link to the child but has NO rights, what about a person who has NO biological link with an IVF child, no sperm, no egg, no womb, can they have a parent-child relationship with an IVF child? Can they keep the IVF child away from a biological parent and siblings and family against his wishes?

Even though physically there is always a mother and father for a child, legally in this case the LAW says there is “NO LEGAL FATHER” and denied parental rights. If an absence of an IVF contract deems no parental rights for a father, is the same true for a mother? What if an IVF child exists with “NO LEGAL MOTHER”? What are the rights of the innocent, voiceless IVF child? In this case the father has a biological link to the IVF child. It is one thing to LIE under oath and cheat adults and the court and use FALSE MEDICAL RECORDS. But it is totally different to DENY rights to innocent, voiceless IVF children using to the same LIES. The innocent children may be voiceless but have RIGHTS and have TRUTH on their side – its just a matter of time. When health professionals make false medical claims, it has reverberating effects on innocents including not getting justice they deserve.

If you can find something that you’re really passionate about, whether you’re a man or a woman comes a lot less into play. Passion is a gender-neutralizing force.” – said Ms. Marissa Mayer. As an IVF father, I am completely passionate about IVF, however, my gender of MALE was used against me and my IVF children to SPLIT them. We are still waiting for a gender-neutralizing force in parenting rights at home.

The fundamental issue here is that like any other technology, there is always a few bad apples who misuse technology. Do we have an appropriate legal framework to both harness this wonderful IVF technology AND provide proper safeguards in the best interest of the IVF child and all others involved in an IVF procedure? Socially, people may want to believe that its the “LOVE” that counts and NOT the “biological link”. However, the LAWS do NOT see it that way. Prevailing laws (or rather lack thereof) place more responsibility and accountability on “biological parents” than non-biological parents when it comes to IVF children.

While there is lot of talk about “intended parents” in IVF terminology (where one intended parent may have NO biological link with IVF child), should we ALSO be discussing “intended residence” of the IVF child in case of international IVF? This is important in international IVF because again IMMIGRATION LAWS work based on “biological link” and not the social structure. This separates IVF children away from their biological families. Has anyone asked what does the IVF child want? Are IVF children human beings?

Are we starting a NEW ERA of baby scoop era now for IVF children by taking them away from their biological families? It’s IRONIC because single motherhood has its roots in the baby scoop era. The HOPE is that most women who have learnt the facts of this case have sided with Mr. Patric because it shows he was always willing to SHARE and is a GOOD PARENT and is not a deadbeat father. If a parent truly loves their child more than themselves, they will allow the child to have both parents.  Of course the SON, also a MALE, will be wondering where his father is while growing up and when he finds out that his father fought till his death to be a part of his life to SHARE, what will his feelings be for his father, also a MALE? What will his feelings be when HE becomes a father?

Equal rights for IVF children and families is a fight till I am dead or someone plans to have me killed.

Robbing From a Child

What possible point can an adult be wanting to prove by robbing from a child? What possible virtue could an rob children of tomorrowadult want to instill in a child by showing them how to rob from an innocent child? What possible lesson an adult may want to show an innocent child by robbing them of a sibling, a parent, a biological family?

“This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – Judge P. Kevin Castel in the case of Carlina White

Carlina White was kidnapped when she was merely a few days old and SEPARATED from her biological family. Decades later, she figured out on her own the truth and facts. She outed the very caretaker who had raised her for ALL these years despite the brainwashing and alienation against her BIOLOGICAL FAMILY. Today as per news reports, she is removed both from her biological family AND the woman who raised her. Is this the future of separated IVF children or do we have time to SAVE them?

During the baby scoop era, BIOLOGICAL children were SEPARATED from their mothers because their only fault was being born to “single mothers”. Whether the adoptive parents knew the truth or not, today the same children and the “single mothers” are getting apologies from the government for its actions. However, they are UNABLE to restore the LOST childhoods and siblings and the love of a biological parent. Why rob from a child?

Sean Goldman in Brazil was reunited with his biological father in the US in 2009 after 5 years because as US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said at the time, “A child belongs with his [biological] family”. Was Sean being abused, or not being given food, clothes, toys, education, nurture for his growth and development by his biological grandparents raising him? Its the “right thing” to do, why rob from a child?

In an immigrant, international IVF case, the RESULT is the same. An innocent IVF child SEPARATED from his only known BIOLOGICAL FAMILY and his PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER. Except he is too young to have a voice that can be heard, so its OK to ROB him of his rights. In 2009, immigrant gay rights DID NOT EXIST in the US. However, the intention of the US government was NEVER to separate families as they started allowing gay families to immigrate to the US in 2013. A spouse of intersex is NOT gay but from a legal perspective, the same laws (or lack thereof) are applicable. Only someone with intimate knowledge of the immigration laws for IVF children of US immigrant father (or rather lack thereof) could have used the loophole in the law in 2009 for their personal benefit. The RESULT is STATELESS IVF children. People who are STATELESS do not have EQUAL rights. For example, the right to get a passport and travel freely in the world to meet a SIBLING. Why rob from a child? The not being able to play catch with him or read him the night time stories or helping him with his school projects and the intermittent hugs and kisses is what I miss the most – active participation in your child’s life.

Beyond Traditional Abuse

It will take a few years or even decades for the case facts to sink in and to connect the dots. But even over time, the FACTS will remain the same and intact. This is NOT about intersex family rights or IVF rights OR gay rights or caregiver rights or immigration rights. This is about someone knowingly and deliberately breaking the laws and preying on innocent, unsuspecting victims. People with CAIS will continue to be born as its naturally occurring, they will continue to be born with male testes even though someone with CAIS may have a medical record from a doctor stating they had “ovaries”. Just like that is a LIE and in fact, lying on medical records is a crime, it only goes to show how widespread the CONSPIRACY is. When highly educated and learned people begin to commit crimes, is there any hope, are there other inadvertent VICTIMS? Is teaching children to lie and live in secret the FUTURE strategy of dealing with CAIS and intersex? Why rob from a child?

Effects of a FALSE medical record

The issue is NOT whether a genetic male should be allowed to breastfeed, the question is after how many cries of a hungry infant is it ABUSE due to LACK of milk when a genetic male attempts to breastfeed? Just like the medical record stating “ovaries” in a CAIS patient is FALSE, breastfeeding by a genetic male due to lack of milk is FALSE. It may be wishful thinking but still FALSE and underscores the ABUSE upon the infant and the partner FORCED into SILENCE. It underscores the OTHER VICTIMS of the secrecy and lies. Why rob from a child? To put into perspective, how many mothers asked the father of their infant to breastfeed? Is it a natural instinct?

Similarly, if a patient is under severe trauma and is under ongoing medical treatment, how can they be a PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for an infant at the same time? It’s wishful thinking BUT still FALSE. Why rob from a child?

Just like CAIS people do not have ovaries even though a medical record may state otherwise, an IVF child does not become a natural born child even though a document may state so. Lies remain lies and TRUTH remains TRUTH. How many LIES to hide one LIE? Truth is easier. Rather than teaching children to LIE and live in secrecy and abusing and victimizing others, it is BETTER to teach them the truth and celebrate who they are, how they are. As a parent, thats what I want for my IVF children, celebrate the TRUTH and celebrate the HUMANITY of all responsible for bringing them into this world and raising them.

If you are a great parent, why would you ABANDON an IVF child after placing an order WITH NO respect for the IVF child’s rights or basic human dignity. IVF creates unique situations. An order can be placed for an IVF child as long as you have MONEY. No egg, no womb, no sperm REQUIRED, just MONEY. Then if you change your mind during the IVF pregnancy, WHAT are the RIGHTS of the IVF child, the RIGHTS of the SURROGATE, the rights of left-behind parent? Do they have RIGHTS TO move forward in LIFE as they begin to assemble a life from the broken pieces and STATELESSNESS and LEGAL LIMBO? Did STATELESS refugees from Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Sudan, Rwanda, South America, Europe, etc. have RIGHTS to MOVE forward if they survived? Why rob from a child?

Just like the medical community and parents of intersex have taught their intersex children to LIE and live in secrecy, it is a FAILED approach. Teaching IVF children they are NOT IVF and somehow making “IVF” a taboo subject is WRONG. Being who they are and being PROUD of who they are is the right approach. Especially in cases of IVF children like Vedant and Medhavi, so many people CAME TOGETHER to bring them into this world and raise them, it is a PROUD moment to celebrate the contributions of others and NOT HIDE it. It would be DISRESPECTING the humanity around us. Why ROB from a child? What is the “greatness” in trying to inculcate children by teaching them to rob from a child?