Tag Archives: rights

Here We Come 2015 – IVF rights or NOT!

The biggest news story to close out 2014 could be the thawing of ties between US and Cuba. No one knows what it will bring but it shows that as humans one can IVF-Crueltymove ahead. Rather than living with mutual distrust, it is better to have an open dialogue and provide the tools and mechanisms to achieve that. In one of the worst and most gruesome disasters of 2014 is the massacre of innocent children by terrorists in Pakistan. There is no justification for what occurred and may their souls rest in peace. Our hearts go out to the parents who may have never envisioned this when they dropped off their child at school in the morning. And we can imagine the sigh of relief for parents whose children are alive today because their alarm didn’t go off, reminds us of stories we heard after 9/11 on how some people were “lucky” to either be late to work or didn’t go to work that day. I have a friend who didn’t go to work on the fateful 9/11 day and is alive. Now when it seemed impossible to make sense of it all, the silver lining was the announcement of thawing of ties between US and Cuba. It gives HOPE. It gives a silver lining to our otherwise 24 hour news cycle of murder, mayhem, crimes, violence, etc. It’s about moving forward and doing the right thing. In 2014, from the double whammy mystery of Malaysian airlines to Boko Haram kidnapping of innocent girls, we must stand UNITED in accepting truth and helping the innocent, especially children like IVF siblings who have been split or an abandoned IVF child getting justice.

Its the fervor of hope that keeps one asking for equal rights for IVF children and families. We support infertility issues but does it have to come at the cost of splitting innocent IVF siblings and denying their rights? Can’t we find better ways which are inclusive? An IVF father by definition has taken some action to help the cause of infertility, what have the lack of laws and outdated laws done to help infertility? Why are IVF families subjected to lies to circumvent the laws? Why are IVF families subjected to ridicule? Why are IVF families not allowed to be truthful? Is building a family through IVF a crime? Take a long hard look at our innocent IVF children and see the love before making up your mind.

Just like there is “ethical hacking”, just like there are checks and balances to use nuclear technology for good or bad, where are the checks and balances for best interest of international IVF/Surrogacy children and families? If IVF can be used for good or bad, where are the “ethical” protections for international IVF/surrogacy children and families?

It used to be “socially acceptable” for Indians and dogs to be kept out of establishments in their own country, or African-Americans were subjected to sitting in the back of the bus, or apartheid was OK, or women or African-Americans could not vote(meaning no representation of their concerns in a democracy), or gays did not have rights, or women could not both work and be a loving parent, is it “socially acceptable” for an IVF father to be allowed to enjoy and love his IVF children “born out of wedlock”?  Is it time to have “representation” in a democracy to address the needs of IVF families? Or are we supposed to stay “underground” and wallow away in the misery of silence and apathy? Socially, we refer to parents as “mother” and “father” while the laws view the same people as “primary care provider” or not. Same laws in case of IVF children also sees the surrogate who gave birth as the “mother” or the egg donor with the genetic link as the “mother” or in some cases, legally there is “no mother” despite a physical presence of the birth mother. Same laws recognize the IVF children as “born out of wedlock”. In all cases, the IVF father is the same person – both socially and legally. Then why separate him and his IVF children deemed as “born out of wedlock”? Is wanting to help infertility a crime? Why offend them using offensive language even if its in the archaic laws? Is it time to be more sensitive to the needs of an international IVF family and give them the basic human dignity and respect they deserve or do they have to suffer more “legalized name calling” and the inherent abuse and separation? Throughout history of humankind, “social acceptance” comes FIRST and laws come later. Are international IVF families socially acceptable?

Should we be saying “PCP 1” and “PCP 2” on birth certificates instead of “father” and “mother” because that’s how the laws see it? As insane and absurd as it sounds, the fact is the archaic laws are creating these situations. The need is to either “update the laws” OR provide relief and justice for innocent IVF siblings, the state of legal limbo and apathy is incongruent and goes against the every being of “humanity” – an irony since “IVF/surrogacy children” are born into this world due to compassion of others in the humanity and are not supposed to be “symbols” of cruelty of humanity and archaic laws.

Recently, a loving husband and a father-to-be was rushing home because his wife and mother-to-be was in labor. They already had an emergency earlier in the week. He may have violated some traffic laws and was asked to pull over by the police but his IMMEDIATE need was to get home to his pregnant wife. The officer did follow “policy” and while the husband and father-to-be may have violated laws, doesn’t every woman wish for a husband and father like him? He was privy to information of the earlier emergency, their ongoing pregnancy and the need to be by his family’s side. Once the officer knew the facts, he called for an ambulance and helped the family out. Where is the HELP for an immigrant, IVF father who had to RUN to his lovely IVF/Surrogacy daughter in India and raise her in India due to her being abandoned and placed in legal limbo?

Compassion is Evil, Worse Your Innocent IVF Children will be Punished

Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. – As the Borg said in their quest for intergalactic supremacy and space terrorism in a fictional movie/TV series. IVF-CrueltyCompassion is evil, worse compassion is so heinous that your innocent, voiceless children should be punished for crimes they did not commit.

Much like a black slave in 1800, a woman without suffrage rights in 1900, a gay in 2000s, the plight of an IVF father who is an immigrant and an intersex family is much the same – NO rights. Worse, its the innocent, voiceless IVF children born out of compassion of several are being punished for crimes they did not commit. If making IVF babies is an international industry, where are the laws to regulate it? More importantly, do innocent IVF children and families deserve equal rights and protection?

If there is COMPASSION for an intersex, immigrant, infertile person, why not COMPASSION for innocent IVF children and families?

Slavery was legal in 1800 but wrong, Women could not exercise their rights in 1900 legally but wrong, Gays were forcefully closeted legally but wrong, how are international IVF/surrogacy parents and their IVF children treated in 2014? Are they human beings who deserve basic human decency and respect or are they to be used, abused and discarded? We can continue to pontificate that an immigrant, intersex, IVF family has NO rights to have children through IVF legally in 2000s but the FACT is two lovely IVF children have been born, now what? Do we give them equal rights as children or do we punish them because their parents committed the heinous crime of being compassionate?

Nothing against natural born children, most IVF parents are natural born, but when a child is born through IVF/surrogacy, it includes compassion of not just the two parents but also the donor, surrogate, the IVF clinic, the doctor, the embryologist, and so on. Abandoning an IVF child is a slap on the face of all these people and everyone’s humanity. Compassion is at the central CORE of IVF and to help a fellow human being. Why is it evil? Why is it so heinous that two innocent IVF siblings should be separated for showing compassion? The IVF children are NOT wrong, the laws are WRONG just like the slavery laws of 1800, the anti-women laws of 1900, the anti-gay laws of 2000 and now we have the anti-IVF laws of 2000s and counting.

Resistance is NOT futile. Borg are a fictional character. Here in the real world, we have to deal with real, live, breathing human beings, little IVF children who may be abandoned or forcefully left stateless and in legal limbo. We have to answer questions like why can’t I see my brother in America. Or why can’t I go to Canada to see snow? Or why can’t we go to Africa to see giraffes and zebras? Or why couldn’t I be together with my brother and father when you went to Alaska in the snow? And the one question that drives the nail in the head, through your heart and into the ground is why should we help others? Living in India is a daily learning lesson in people around you who are destitutely poor, children who may not be able to go to school, children who are hungry or may have less toys or no toys than your child. Do you teach your child compassion which is considered EVIL? You would have to meet the abandoned IVF child personally to figure out if she has been raised right and whether compassion is at the centre of her upbringing.

In any war, there is an unwritten rule to spare the women and children. Nowadays, women are also in front line combat meaning in a war they are equal targets. Also, wars are getting to be more non-conventional where terrorists without a state are the main adversaries and we are moving towards a mantra of SPARING the innocent – children first, women and men. Raising an abandoned IVF child meaning she was born with compassion of others but placed willfully in legal limbo by IVF terrorists with NO compassion for her is the choice of a parent to SPARE the innocent children. Is the system able to do the same and spare the innocent IVF siblings and let them be united?

An Indian citizen IVF child in the US is DENIED to come to India to see his IVF sister because Government of India has NOT signed a Hague treaty while the US has laws requiring a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US meaning how can an infertile American bring an IVF child born outside the US legally? These are issues for the respective governments to decide. But spare the innocent IVF siblings. Let compassion be what it is, let it not be depicted as EVIL. What is needed is laws for international IVF/surrogacy in best interest of children and not shoving facts under the carpet and denying DUE PROCESS to innocent.

Just like the black slave of 1800, the woman fighting for her suffrage rights in 1900, gays in 2000, IVF children and families in 2000s and counting deserve equal rights and basic human dignity and respect. Acknowledging the problem comes first and eventually a solution is arrived at – let it not be decades or centuries, let it be before the innocent childhoods of IVF siblings expires. Resistance is NOT futile. Compassion is NOT evil. IVF children born to a father are not “illegitimate” as the language in the laws claim. What is wrong is the archaic laws and people who want to exploit them for personal benefit. Because willfully abandoning an innocent child AND willfully splitting loving siblings can NEVER be right NOR justifiable. Laws will change with time and these acts will be criminal while the “illegitimate” IVF children of today will be “legal” because its the right answer. Compassion will not become evil or illegal, breaking laws will remain illegal.

Its ONLY 2014 for IVF and NOT 2114 so wait for your IVF Rights

If an HIV person is court ordered to not spread HIV to unsuspecting victims, what should be the rights of unsuspecting spouses of intersex whose rights are snatched ivf-is-the-new-black-gayaway? Whatever lack of rights intersex people have, its the same lack of rights experienced by spouse of an intersex just like an unsuspecting victim of HIV infection. The difference is truth vs lying.

If an Italian marine in India can be allowed to go to Italy on humanitarian grounds, why cant an innocent Indian IVF child be allowed to see his loving family is in India?

If a Jordanian terrorist who is now a UK citizen can be sent back to his home country to allow due process and then denied access back to UK, his newly naturalized country of citizenship, why can’t an IVF terrorist who is now a US citizen be sent back to their home country in India to allow due process? Or should they be allowed to run from laws while innocent children who they victimized and continue to suffer the injustice? Do innocent IVF children have rights?

Where is the moral compass? Its not that the moral compass is missing but it seems that it is easier to break laws for personal benefit including abusing innocent children and using them as commodity. It seems that in 2014, people who lie and break laws will be rewarded rather than changing the laws like Rosa Parks or Edie Windsor did by standing up for truth. There is a pride about being American, is it still true for innocent, unsuspecting IVF children and families? As per CDC, about 1% of births in US were through IVF meaning on an empirical scale, IVF and its issues affect about 1% of the population who want children. It also means that the other 99% if made aware of the severe lack in laws for IVF children and families, most would support the right thing to do and therefore education and awareness is key to securing IVF rights. If you know, you will care. You may disagree but that means you cared enough to even disagree rather than being oblivious.

  1. When a mother has multiple miscarriages, only she know how she feels. When an IVF father has multiple failed IVF attempts, how does/should he feel. He knows, do others know?
  2. When a mother is kicked in the stomach while pregnant, only she knows whats at risk for her and the child. When an ongoing IVF pregnancy with joint consent is abandoned by an intended “mother”, how should the IVF father and the IVF brother who wanted a sibling feel? They know, do others know?
  3. When a mother has to give up a child under duress and coercion, only she knows how it feels. When an IVF father is coerced under severe trauma and under duress is forced to agree to lies, only he knows how that feels.
  4. When a mother is helpless and both her children need help, who does she save? When an IVF father is helpless and forced to choose between two innocent IVF children who he loves equally, how should he feel?
  5. Only a woman can understand the pain of a fellow woman being abused and who has no rights. And she would help a fellow woman. even if it meant going against her own family because its the right thing to do. Only an IVF parent can understand the pain of an IVF child who are both victims of abuse, negligence and finally both abandoned and stranded left in legal limbo to survive on their own.
  6. Commodifying women is not just wrong but inhumane. Commodifying IVF parent and their IVF children only to be discarded is not just wrong but inhumane.

As humans, we are a sum of our experiences. Asking a rape victim to forget about the facts is not justice, not in 1814, not in 1914, and not in 2014. Asking an IVF father to forget about the facts of the criminal conspiracy against him and his innocent IVF children including shutting him up to hide facts is not justice in 2004, 2009, 2014. Sadly there are some people in the world today who claim the Holocaust did not occur – there are two lessons from that. One is there is no justice for the innocent victims and continued victimization for the left-behind family if you believe the lies and second the chance of reoccurrence with more victims. Same is true for an immigrant, intersex, IVF family. Lies are wrong and truth is real and the right way forward in everyone’s best interest and innocent victims deserve due process and justice rather than shoving issues under the carpet.

Laws choose to discriminate which maybe well-intentioned but sadly are manipulated and laws are broken by people for personal benefit. Innocent children only recognize love and truth. There is no love in abandoning innocent children or splitting innocent siblings. Infertility is not a crime, lying about infertility is a crime as per laws. More importantly, do lies that break laws and place innocent children in legal limbo deserve action and justice in the proverbial “best interest of child”  or should criminals who are childless be let go? Whose trauma is more – the adult who lies or innocent children who are voiceless?

There is no way to gauge the real impact of the trauma unless you have experienced it yourself. And sometimes the heinousness is so abrasive that even without going through it, as a human being we realize the difference between right and wrong. Being an immigrant, intersex, IVF family is illegal in 2000s both in India and the US as per laws, hiding and lying about it is NOT going to help anyone, especially the unsuspecting, innocent victims.

IVF or Natural Born Child, Would You Like Equal Rights With That?

A child is a child, having equal rights should not matter. Its 2014 and we have some archaic and barbaric laws which are hurting IVF or natural - equal rightsinnocent children. It is HARD not to get your hairs raised both as a parent and as a human being. When will we get equal rights for IVF children and families? How stereotypes of the society and justice system are hurting and violating the rights of innocent IVF children?

“In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, we did some things that were wrong. We did a whole lot of things that were right, but we tortured some folks. We did things that were contrary to our values,” said US President Obama.

“it’s an incredibly sad story”. “I guess it illustrates some of the pitfalls involved in this particular [surrogacy] business,” said Australian PM Abbott on abandoned IVF baby in Thailand.

What should we say to abandoned IVF baby in India and knowingly splitting IVF brother and sister across the US and India? An IVF parent knows the facts but the “system/laws” have a long way to catch up…in the meantime, what should the IVF parent do to the IVF siblings? – Abandon them or fight for them or die from their own personal trauma – perhaps the real intent so that there is NO LEGAL challenger. While systems may be slow to catch up, people still commit crimes and should we right multiple wrongs or do we look the other way? Is it torture for an IVF family to be knowingly SPLIT up – is this their Abu Ghraib? is this their double whammy of MH370 and MH17? Rather than pointing fingers, we are looking for justice, we are looking for a solution to UNITE innocent IVF brother and sister because regardless of any justification, knowingly splitting up siblings is a crime today and will be in the future. Infertility is very trauma

As times move forward and more democratization of the world, more people are finding the strength to report the truth no matter how bitter nor are afraid of the persecution by powerful people. The primary driving force behind the truth is best interest of innocent children. Recently, there was a case where a Hollywood IVF parent-to-be decided to abandon an ongoing IVF pregnancy despite giving consent in the first place. In another case, a person successfully filed for divorce without declaring an ongoing IVF pregnancy resulting in successfully splitting two innocent IVF siblings and placing them in legal limbo. In another case, an Australian couple abandoned an innocent IVF child because he has Down’s Syndrome. In another case, a Canadian couple was unable to take their IVF child born in India due to a “DNA mismatch”. In a US case, a “mother” was not considered the mother of two lovely IVF children because she only carried them to term but had “no genetic link” as she used an egg donor. After four long, grueling years, the US changed its laws for “IVF mothers” like these. There are several such IVF cases but they rarely come to light in 2014 because it is taboo, stigma, secrecy. Ask the victimized IVF child if they care about all this? In each case, the truth has to be told, the unaffected public needs to be educated on the facts and lack of laws for international IVF, and finally, maybe, the government may take some action after prolonged number of years. How is that the “best interest of the child”?

  1. What are the rights of an IVF child born during a divorce?
  2. What are the rights of an IVF child who has been knowingly abandoned?
  3. What are the rights of an IVF child who had a DNA mismatch?
  4. If an IVF mother can dream of providing a sibling to an IVF child, can an IVF father have the same dream? More critically, can an IVF child of an IVF father dream to have a sibling to love, share and grow up with?
  5. When an IVF child is abandoned, what are the rights of a left-behind IVF child and parent/caretaker?
  6. If consent is REQUIRED to commence IVF/surrogacy, then what should be the responsibility and accountability when the same cnsenting adult decides to abandon an innocent IVF child they consented to before?
  7. If a genetic parent is REQUIRED to pay child support for a child they abandoned, what should be the responsibility and accountability of a non-genetic parent who gave consent for an IVF child but later abandoned?
  8. If a non-genetic parent has EQUAL rights to an IVF child they consented to, then what should be the responsibility and accountability of a non-genetic parent who gave consent for an IVF child but later abandoned?
  9. If a commercial surrogate delivers an IVF child as per consent, does she deserve to get paid by the consenting IVF parents when she delivers? What are the surrogate’s rights (a woman also) or do only rights of the infertile matter?
  10. Why do we have these disparate laws for IVF children and families? Instead of trying to shove facts under the carpet, intimidating and threatening IVF parents who care deeply for their child, falsely persecuting and oppressing innocent IVF parents and therefore his IVF children, isn’t it better to have equal rights for IVF children and families? Let’s solve the bigger problem instead of dancing around secrecy and lies.

The world is perhaps a few decades away before having equal rights for IVF children and families including donors, surrogates, intended parents but in the meantime let us not continue the victimization and abuse of innocent IVF children by denying them justice. In the bigger historical context, the laws requested will become a reality then why punish innocent IVF children today?

If the same children were not born via IVF but were born naturally, would they have to deal with these lack of laws? Are innocent IVF children and families specifically being targeted if not deliberately, at least inadvertently by not taking any action to have equal rights?

Change is Refreshing – IVF rights

Whether be it spouse caregiver or being an immigrant or being an IVF father or being all of the above – change is required for all. If one does not havechange-refreshing-ivf  the intent to “become the change you want to see in this world”, no person can constantly go through such life-changing events. There is positive change and there is negative change. Positive is sharing and caring while negative is secrecy and lying. What will not ebb is the constant flow of the river of change. Despite seeing all the trauma in life, when one sees the abuse repeated on their innocent children, life stops and makes you wonder, is it time to speak up finally?

There are parents of children with mental disabilities or physical disabilities or victims of bullying or victims of abuse or children with Down’s Syndrome or victims of lies. As a parent, do you abandon the innocent child or do you stand up for what’s right? I am an IVF parent and while IVF may not be a disability, the lack of laws for IVF children and families sure makes it feel like so. The result is the same – unequal rights for innocent children and families. And it is much better to fight for equal rights for all IVF children and families instead of lying about it including breaking laws.  Thats what an IVF father who is also an immigrant and part of an intersex family is doing for his IVF children – standing up finally after years of abuse in secrecy.

It is obvious that an intersex, immigrant, international IVF family should not exist legally in the 2000s. Unless some laws were broken, this would not be possible. Even in 2014, it is taboo to talk about an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. But truth always finds a way and time always supports the truth. People can choose to be secretive and lie about the facts for personal benefits OR speak up and fight for the truth for themselves and others to come. After all, what is so WRONG about helping a fellow human being who is intersex, infertile and an immigrant for whom laws itself fall short? Why should one continue to lie while other intersex or infertile or immigrant children and families are suffering due to lack of laws?

A murderer is also a man or woman, someone’s son or daughter, father or mother, brother or sister BUT still a murderer. They are right here amongst us.  Just like that an intended IVF parent is also someone’s daughter or son, sister or brother, mother or father BUT may also be an IVF criminal. By fighting for the truth, we hope to address the rights of the IVF children, what are the rights of the IVF child when born during a divorce? Are IVF children a “commodity” OR are they real human beings with equal protection as children? What happens when laws fall short and people take advantage and break the laws?

With cases like “baby Gammy” or “baby Medhavi” becoming a common occurrence, it is time to speak up, especially the people who are affected by these lack of laws. One can appreciate that the IVF community is a minority and there may not be many takers but if you are a parent, you would care because you care about any child as a loving parent. If you are a law-abiding human being, you would care because humanity is our cornerstone and when people break laws for personal benefit while placing innocent children as shields, there has to be consequences.

It is very traumatic to live as an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. But it is far more traumatic to knowingly split innocent IVF siblings and place them in legal limbo. Sadly love and compassion do not matter but laws do as our lives are ruled by laws. By UNITING the innocent IVF siblings we send two messages that laws matter AND so restores faith in humanity where compassion matters. Are we ready to do the right thing in 2014 or do we have to wait a century for equal rights for IVF children and families and give them justice?

Happy World Embryology Day

Thirty six years ago, he world’s first IVF child was born. Wishing everyone a Happy World Embryology day if you care. Some famous people born in IVF-Cruelty1978 as well are Ashton Kutcher, Zoe Saldana, Tia and Tamera Mowry, Usher, Kobe Bryant, Katie Holmes, first IVF baby in the world – Louise Brown, India’s first IVF baby – Durga. Sadly, we still do not have equal rights for IVF children and families.

Technology is wonderful when used correctly and thanks to the hard work of scientists, researchers for doing their part for the progress of humanity. Whose job is it to have laws that keep pace with technology? Have they done their job? What happens when the laws fall short and innocent IVF children are victimized with no justice? Whose responsibility and accountability is that?

In 1978, there were about 4.3 billion people and 2 IVF children.

In 2012, there were about 7.1 billion people and the 5 millionth IVF child was delivered.

In 2012, the CDC estimated 1% of all births in US were through IVF and expect all births to be about 5% soon.

By 2020, the population is estimated to be about 7.7 billion and the IVF industry is expected to double (maybe the number of IVF children born will also double as a conservative estimate?)

When will IVF be a “big enough” issue to start caring? And it is about the innocent, voiceless IVF children – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable. When will we as a society wake up? What will it take for us as a society to wake up? 

If “IVF” is an “industry”, then what is it “product” and who is protecting their rights? Should any industry be regulated especially where billions of dollars are involved? Especially where innocent children’s lives may be at risk? Especially where innocent children’s welfare may be endangered?

If “IVF” is to help infertile or dysfertile people, who helps the IVF children? What are the rights of IVF children when born during a divorce? Do they deserve a legal identity or should they be shoved under the carpet and make them invisible? Does that solve the problem?

When a straight couple who is dealing with infertility, are both spouses impacted with the lack of laws for IVF children and families? When gay couples, lesbian couples, single men, single women, infertile couples attempt to solve their “dysfertility” with help of other compassionate human beings, should there also be laws to help them and the IVF children? Or should such people be discriminated and falsely persecuted for daring to dream to have a child through help of technology? Worse their innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit and for the actions of their parents.

Every IVF journey is unique. Some result in not having a IVF child at all despite multiple attempts which sadly failed. The worst is having an IVF child who is born into legal limbo and not having any rights as a living, breathing human being. Sadly, pets have more rights in some cases. 

This year on World Embryology Day, let us pledge for equal rights for IVF children and families. This includes the entire IVF fraternity – the donors, the surrogates, the IVF clinics and medical professionals, the intended parents, and most importantly the IVF child. If there are laws for international child adoption, if there are laws for international child abduction, why are there no laws for international IVF children? More importantly, in absence of these laws, how do innocent victims get justice? 

The cornerstone of any IVF cycle is compassion of a fellow human being. It is the essence of our humanity. Let us hope that is NOT lost.

Love and Compassion Cannot Conquer Secrecy and Lies

Love and Compassion are cornerstones in being human, whether its a relationship between lovers or siblings or parent-child or friends or neighbours or states or countries. When our humanity is at stake, everything we have built around it questions our very ethos of humanity especially when the victims are innocent children. Rather than having a ethical OR moral OR legal obligation to respect a fellow human being, the true question is can love and compassion conquer secrecy and lies?

If you are an adult woman who happens to be infertile, do you get compassion and sympathy from the society if not the laws? But if you are an IVF girl child (a future woman), do you get the same compassion and sympathy from the society if not the laws?Equal IVF Child Rights Tshirt

If you are a victim of female infanticide, clerly you cannot talk. But what if you are an abandoned IVF girl child, do you have any rights as a human being and as a child?

Take the journey of how convoluted our society is in paying lip service when it comes to human rights and child rights of innocent IVF children and families. It is not about who you know, it is about how you are born is where the discrimination begins. As a society, legally, if not socially, we have conquered discrimination based on race, color, creed, gender, sexual orientation but when it comes to IVF children and families, we have some ways to go. Is IVF the new black, the new gay and the new orange?

IVF is a wonderful medical technology to help infertile or dysfertile people. As everyone knows, it takes three things to make a child scientificaly, sperm, egg and womb. But it takes love and compassion to raise a child. Not just as a parent but as a good human being. Secrecy and lies are NOT in the best interest of any child despite what the “experts” claim. Besides, where is the expert to deal with multiple complexities of intersex, IVF, immigration families?

Some IVF families are honest about their traumatic IVF journey. Some IVF families cherish the IVF children including siblings who are allowed to grow up together as a gift of the father. And some people abuse innocents through IVF and placing innocent lives at risk and in legal limbo. If the laws do not allow for biological father’s name on a birth certificate of an IVF child, shouldn’t one fight for their rights with honesty rather than placing innocent children’s lives at risk? How does the law treat non-biological, intersex parent when it comes to placing their name on an IVF child birth certificate? Adding the complexity that when the IVF child is born outside the US, that IVF child is considered as “child born out of wedlock” meaning is there a marriage or not?

There must be a silver lining to the IVF tragedy and travesty. If non-biological parents deserve equal rights, then government should have laws “in sync” with that philosophy rather than imposing that by SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings. And if non-biological parents have equal rights in raising an IVF child through love and compassion, should they also be held equally accountable and responsible in the welfare of an IVF child if either intended IVF parent abandons the IVF child? Why do we have double standards? Does the innocent child care who abused them? The innocent child cares about love, compassion and justice to get their legal rights.

Rather than pontificate on having equal rights for non-biological parents, one should have laws to reflect that also. And how do you justify actions on one side where a non-biological parent has “equal” rights to a child while on the other side abandoning another non-biological child? Do the innocent children as individuals have any rights or are they human chatal? Do the innocent biological siblings have any rights or do they deserve to be punished for crimes they did not commit? Does the innocent “biological parent” deserve to be punished based on the fact they are “fertile”, OR “immigrant” OR “male” OR any other justifiable discrimination in 2009? The question is NOT whether it is discrimination and abuse, the question is whether the “justifications” of 2009 will stand the test of time? Just like slavery, women suffrage, colonialism, apartheid, civil rights, gay rights, “orange rights”, IVF rights is coming and then these false justifications will be exposed for what they are. Stop pontificating and start caring about real human beings – the innocent children. Love and compassion will conquer the mountain of secrecy and lies because that its power, because thats what makes us human. Let the tsunami of love, compassion and truth be unleashed to wash away the mountains of secrecy, lies, crimes for the sake of innocent IVF children.

The IVF Survival Guide – What If..?

The US laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Here is an IVF Survival Guide.IVF-Survival-Guide

1) What If an infertile couple decides to have a child outside the US through IVF, only one of the parents would have the “genetic link” either the sperm or the egg, and that biological parent decides to abandon the IVF child for whatever reason BUT the “non-biological parent” wants the child to raise and love, can they legally get the innocent IVF child to the US?

2) What If there is a DNA mismatch and due to the accident there is “no genetic link” between US parent and child born outside the US, should the intended parent(s) live in exile or abandon the child? Is the love for the child any less due to the accident? Do the laws reflect “intent” or archaic and antiquted laws still playing catch up with technology?

3) What If a gay couple or a lesbian couple decide to have a child but the biological parent decides to abandon the child, can the left-behind (non-genetic) parent legally get the child to the US?

4) What If an infertile person wants to have a child, can they get a child into the US legally with “no genetic link”?

5) Are these archaic and anti-IVF laws creating an environment which is in the “best interest of the innocent, voiceless IVF children”? Are these archaic and anti-IVF laws creating an environment where some infertile people go to any length to SPLIT innocent IVF siblings just to that they can have a child? What about the rights of the innocent IVF children? What about the rights of a brother wanting to be with a sister? What about the rights of an innocent child to live WITHOUT legal limbo?

6) Will the justice system acquiesce to TRUTH or persecute and threaten the innocent who petition for change rather than being forced into silence? Will the justice system follow its own laws and prosecute those who victimize innocent, voiceless, vulnerable children?

7) If a rape victim does not report the crime for fear of shame, stigma, further victimization and the statute of limitation expire, does that mean the rape DID NOT OCCUR? If a sexual abuse victim does not report the crime for fear of shame, stigma, further victimization and the statute of limitation expire, does that mean the abuse DID NOT OCCUR?

8) What If a spouse of an intersex person who were both victimized by the medical community through an overt web of secrecy, lies and crimes, does that mean the intersex family was not abused due to medical negligence?

9) What If an IVF parent who attempted IVF due to infertility of an intersex spouse but forced to lie about it due to US laws for immigrants, does that mean the child is NOT IVF? Does that mean the person who is claiming to be the “mother” is ALSO the “genetic mother” including fraud documents?

10) What If an IVF parent is forced in a situation of fait accompli where he is forced to live in exile with his daughter and giving up his son, is it so heinous that the innocent IVF family should be punished and the only JUSTICE is to SPLIT them?

As a victim of intersex, infertility, immigration, invisibility, it is time to MOVE FORWARD and deal with the TRUTH. It has happened. Laws have been broken. Crimes have been committed. But to punish innocent IVF siblings by SPLITTING them is NOT the right answer. No parent would stand for injustice towards their child even if the condition is a minority because for a parent their child is everything. Justice for innocent IVF children, thats the only thing we ask. Justice against people who prey on others, lie, break laws, are criminals is for justice system to decide to establish their own credibility, for us, its about justice for innocent children, is it too much to ask?

As a humanity, one would think “best interest of the child” is paramount, how have we lost track then to impose punishment on innocent IVF children for mistakes of their parents?

Would You Want Forgiveness or Compassion?

Knowing and admitting to one’s weakness is the biggest strength. It takes a lot to admit to the truth.child-alienation-child-abandon-ivf-compassion-forgiveness

We all have skeletons in the closet but what if they happen to be of innocent children whose rights have been violated, is that enough to speak up? They could be IVF children, they could be immigrants, they could be intersex families for whom laws do not exist. Threat of persecution is no reason to remain silent and being on the right side of truth and history is what matters.

A lot of people have said, aren’t forgiveness and compassion the same thing? To most, maybe. But to an immigrant, IVF parent of lovely IVF children, forgiveness and compassion are different. If you were climbing a staircase, where one step was forgiveness and other step was compassion and there is a fire burning below meaning you HAVE to climb, turning around is not an option, which would you choose? When a mother and father have raised their son to respect all, love your spouse and family, show compassion and forgiveness, why should he stay quiet? What is so heinous and criminal that they taught their child that we need to hold secrets or lie about? Don’t show compassion to infertile people, that don’t forgive liars, that don’t keep secrets? If none of these were taught, then two lovely IVF children would have never been born. As for the intersex  person, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP to the surgery. So if torture is heinous, is that the spouse’s fault or is that the medical community who victimized an entire immigrant, IVF, intersex family? If an intersex person is a victim of the medical community, what is it for the spouse and children of an intersex family? The lying must stop and let truth prevail. In the meantime, splitting innocent siblings cannot be the RIGHT answer, its a slap to our humanity as a whole, isn’t it? A parent is not only about being able to provide food, shelter, education for their child but also fight for their child’s rights instead of violating them and a parent has to lead by example the virtues of compassion and forgiveness.

1) If you are frauded into an intersex marriage and find out the truth after marriage and even though laws allow you to get the marriage annulled, you stay, is that forgiveness or compassion? You go on to become a spouse caregiver, is that compassion or forgiveness?

2) Because you are in an intersex marriage, there is infertility. You go for IVF under secrecy and lies because no one should know about the infertility due to stigma. These lies mean breaking laws. Is that out of compassion or forgiveness?

3) When one goes for IVF in an intersex marriage, you need an egg donor and a surrogate. Compassionate women will agree to become egg donor or surrogate, not forgiveness.

4) The IVF clinic who works on the case and is successful in a first of its kind case in India and probably in the world, an IVF child of an intersex, immigrant family. Legally, this family cannot exist because no prevailing laws support it. So is everyone breaking the laws forgiveness or compassion?

5) An IVF father is forced to lie and remain silent and NOT celebrate the birth of his first child and pretend father’s day never happened because of secrecy and lies needed to bring the IVF child to the US, is that forgiveness or compassion?

6) When a person is infertile and is married, is infertility an “I” problem or a “We” problem? When there are lack of laws for IVF children and families, is that an “I” problem or a “We” problem for an IVF family?

7) When there is victimization at the hands of the medical community of intersex people and the families and spouse of intersex people, is the victimization isolated only to the “intersex person” or are the families like spouse, children, parents, siblings also victimized? Is it an “I” problem or a “we” problem?

8) When you have an IVF child born outside the US, all IVF children are subjected to US Immigration laws. What happens when an innocent IVF child is caught up in the complex web where simply laws have not caught up with technology, what do these US parents do – the easy way is to abandon the IVF child they wanted and quite possibly poured their life savings and emotional savings into OR give up their life in the US and live in exile and raise the child they always wanted. What about the rights of the IVF child, an innocent human being? Do they have a say? Is this the best we can do as a society in 2014?

9) It is one thing to have laws which have not caught up with technology, to some extent it may be even inadvertent, but what is it to use these “gaps in laws” for selfish advantage which directly  hurts the welfare of innocent children? Is this a new level of white collar crime in the 21st century? And are laws there to protect the innocent children or place them in legal limbo?

10) If you are an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent, will you want forgiveness or compassion or both? And what does an innocent IVF child who has been abandoned deserve? And what does an innocent IVF child who has been alienated from his sibling that he wanted and biological family deserve? If a parent of an intersex child can ask for compassion and forgiveness, what can an IVF parent ask for his innocent IVF children?

To move forward, why can’t we see some compassion for innocent IVF siblings who have NEVER met and UNITE them? History has shown that united we stand, divided we fall and splitting siblings including the US judicial system will simply not stand the test of time.

Lessons Learnt from Lack of Laws for Intersex, IVF, Immigration, Invisibility

Before anyone is a male or female, they are first a human being. Before anyone is a human being, if they have children, they are a parent. The point is abe-kind-to-unkind parent is willing to take abuse if it protects their child meaning giving up their own human rights. Too often issues are divided based on male Vs. female, right Vs. wrong, or based on race, or religion or sexual orientation, or rich Vs. poor or whatever is the new divisive flavor of the day. Individuals who are human beings live personal lives. Human beings live their lives as per emotions, however, lives are lived as per laws regardless of how archaic the laws may be. Sometime in the 21st century, there will be equal rights for intersex, immigrants, infertile, IVF. Till then what is it like to live in the 21st century with 20th century laws? Here are top lessons learnt from lack of laws for intersex, IVF, Immigration and Invisibility.

  1. Be kind to unkind people, they need it the most. Do not lie to your spouse especially if it places another human being at risk and victimizes them due to lack of laws. That is unkind. Being intersex, infertile, immigrant or invisible are separate issues. Fundamentally, any loving relationship – marriage or otherwise cannot be built on the foundation of lies – it affects the individual and everyone else around them.
  2. Be ruthlessly selfish – You will get what you want. As a law-abiding person, be very selfish meaning use the laws to your advantage but don’t be ruthless like splitting innocent siblings or abandoning one sibling to have another or alienating a child from his family. You may be able to look yourself in the mirror, you may be able to hoodwink the authorities and break laws relentlessly, but can you look into the innocent eyes of the victimized children?
  3. Male Chauvinistic Pig – Until the laws are changed, in some cases, it may be better to be a male chauvinistic pig in the best interest of your children. Anti-male laws may have good reasoning but when anti-male laws are used against innocent children because their only legal parent is a “male”, maybe it is better to be a male chauvinistic pig instead of showing compassion so at least the innocent children are saved.
  4. Fraud – While laws may not recognize intersex marriages, in time the laws will change to allow intersex marriages. However, fraud will still remain fraud. It is not that intersex marriage is wrong but fraud is wrong. The lack of laws in recognizing an intersex marriage affects and victimizes both spouses equally.
  5. Secrecy and Lies – One can lie and fraud to break the laws but how does it help others and the greater good?
  6. Do the Next – Dealing with infertility and intersex is a double whammy and very traumatic. Add the layer of immigration and invisibility only makes it more complicated and  traumatic. Whose human rights do you uphold? Person who lies and breaks the laws in secrecy OR person who wants to be free from the social and legal discrimination using truth? After living through intersex, IVF, immigration, it is the innocent child who wins – hands down and not a liar who breaks laws and places innocent children at risk and in legal limbo. Can you do the “next” and start living in the 21st century?
  7. Caregiving – Becoming a family caregiver is both a privilege and a balancing act. Doing it in secrecy is foolish. When anyone becomes a family caregiver, it shows they deeply love and care for a fellow human being. It comes with its own stress, issues, and balancing acts. When you are forced to do this in silence and secrecy, is it abuse? The abuse is the “secrecy and silence” part. Every human has the right to express freely including a caregiver.
  8. IVFHood – Its a minority neighborhood. Its a secretive neighborhood. There is lot of support available in 2014 than in 2003. If you gave up your life trying to have a child with someone who the laws do not support like an intersex, infertile, immigrant in the US, then NO ONE CARES if you did. Its a lonely neighborhood. Worse, your IVF children will be punished for being born in an intersex, immigrant family in 2000s as if its their crime. Your fertility used as a currency in the war on fertility against you and your innocent children.
  9. Legal System – It is non-existant when it comes to intersex, immigrant, IVF family in 2000s. Legally, we do not exist. If you confess to the truth, then the legal system has to deal based on prevailing laws and legally an intersex, immigrant, IVF family does not exist. So it is best to make them invisible, pretend they do not exist, suppress facts and split innocent IVF siblings – we are sure it is the BEST solution – more lies!
  10. Workarounds – People who are either naive or stupid offer options like asking the IVF father to adopt his own biological IVF child to “workaround” the limitations in current IVF laws. They fail to recognize how offensive this is. Its kinda like asking a man of color in 1800 that if they don’t like being a slave, why don’t they just change the color of their skin? Slavery was legal in 1800 but the discriminatory laws did not stand the test of time. It would be better for the person of color to fight on the right side of history and NOT change the color of their skin just to “workaround” the prevailing laws. Or maybe telling a woman of the suffrage woman of the early 1900s to just become a man to get equal rights. Similarly for an IVF father in 2014, it is better to stay on the right side of history and get the facts out and ask for their rights and their innocent IVF children’s rights rather than submit to the persecution and threats of a failed judicial system. It will definitely stand the test of time and more importantly, the biggest jury for an abused IVF father are his innocent IVF children – what do they think?