Tag Archives: parenting

The Father’s Day I Was Forced to Miss

Every IVF journey is unique in its own way. Regardless of the fertility issues, the wanting to have a child is common to being a human not whether youfathers-day-ivf are fertile or infertile or married or unmarried or male or female. That’s why our society allows heterosexuals, singles, married, gays, lesbians and whatever other segmentation to be loving parents. Good parenting is based on being a good human being and not your gender or your sexual orientation or you immigration status. For any IVF parent – whether they are successful or not with an IVF child, wanting to have a child is innate and tugs at every emotion that a human is known to have. Then why can’t an IVF father celebrate Father’s Day on becoming a happy father? The Father’s Day I NEVER had.

It was ten years ago, my first child was born through IVF, a lovely son. He was born a few days ahead of Father’s day that year BUT I could not celebrate and jump with joy for my child because the SECRET might be out that my spouse is infertile. I was forced to miss my First Father’s Day. Today, the lies have caught up because my innocent IVF children are paying the price for it and it is time to speak up for their sake. Due to my spouse’s infertility and respecting that, I am the biological father and with help of compassionate egg donor and surrogate, we were blessed with a lovely IVF son. But the IVF was a secret and we could not tell anyone because the infertile spouse did not want to reveal to anyone about the infertility. To the select few, we could talk about surrogacy but under NO circumstances we could reveal that there was NO BIOLOGICAL LINK between the infertile spouse and the IVF child because god forbid, what if people find out the truth? Of course, due to the LIES, not only the innocent child got placed in LEGAL LIMBO but ended up disrespecting the compassion of the egg donor and surrogate for not giving them due credit. As the saying goes, when you live with a criminal who breaks laws, you pick up bad habits. Having a child through IVF is not a bad habit, LYING and continuing to LIE is the bad habit. Infertility is NOT bad, it is natural. How one deals with infertility is what is bad like secrecy and lies for personal advantage.

  • Can an IVF father be allowed to celebrate his child’s birth?
  • Can an IVF father be allowed to share his emotions from a traumatic IVF journey?
  • Can an IVF father be allowed to enjoy the company of all his IVF children as he wanted?
  • Should the innocent children of an IVF father be discriminated because of the gender of their father?
  • Is infertility so traumatic that the ONLY way to solve it is by SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings?
  • Is infertility so traumatic that the ONLY way to solve it is by alienating an IVF father from his lovely son and vice versa?
  • As a fertile IVF father, I have STARED infertility in its face. I know infertility. I have tried to defeat infertility. I know the trauma. I know the emotions. I know the lack of laws. I know that it is the LOVE and CHARACTER of a parent that counts and NOT the gender or genetic link of a parent with a child like the laws demand.
  • IVF is meant to help with infertility. Regardless of the trauma of infertility, what is happening to innocent IVF children who are siblings is far MORE traumatic. I am their IVF father and I intend to protect my IVF children and get them their rights. This fight is NO different than slavery, women suffrage, Brown Vs. Board of education, civil rights, gay rights, transgender rights, and now IVF rights. Personally I believe that over the history, every social struggle has needed a catalyst like Rosa Parks. Who is the Rosa Parks for IVF? Who is the Harvey Milk for IVF? Who is the Laverne Cox for IVF?

A shout out to all fathers – IVF, white, black, brown, blue, maroon, single, married, divorced, straight, gay, intersex, otherwise – Have a Happy Father’s Day and may you NEVER be forced to MISS a father’s day.

As another year goes by and with tears in my eyes as I get cake and card for my alienated son on father’s day and his birthday (they happen to be very close, if you recall), I wonder why should a brother be SPLIT from his sister, why should a son be separated from his IVF parent and what did all the lies achieve? Divorces are not new, they happen. But should the “best interest of the child” be maintained in any divorce? Should innocent IVF children be placed in legal limbo due to divorce? Should innocent IVF siblings be SPLIT? Should innocent IVF children be abandoned with no recourse for justice? If you consent to IVF, you are responsible for welfare of the IVF child – simple. Not the donor, not the surrogate, not the IVF clinic, not the orphanage where the innocent IVF child may end up, but the consenting IVF parent has to be held accountable and responsible. Its a new century and the crimes are new, have the laws caught up yet for IVF children and families?

 

Truth on Mother’s Day

This could have been a great mother’s day story and how a “village” helped to make a mother – the difference is truth Vs. lies, the difference is respect Vs.ivf-mothers-day  secrecy. A lovely IVF child was born due to blessings of a lot of good-hearted people. They deserve the thanks and recognition. The year was 2004. The month was June. A lovely IVF child was born after our first successful attempt. We were young, we were naive, we knew hat the failure rates are twice that of success rates for IVF but did not experience it. Plus it was all remote for us and done in high secrecy. The chances of failure far outweighed chances of success and there he was, our lovely IVF son, thanks to the compassion of so many people. If an intersex, infertile, immigrant parent is happy to be a mother of a non-biological IVF child today separated from his sibling and biological family, they should be thanking the GRANDMOTHER of the IVF child who taught her son to show respect for all, compassion and forgiveness. Because if we go by the laws, every law as it pertains to intersex, immigration, IVF has been BROKEN in 2000s, now what? Maulik as a father thanks his mother for all who she is and came to the rescue again at age 68 when an innocent IVF sibling was abandoned. Words cannot describe what a mother is but her actions and what she teaches her children are far more powerful.

So who is the mother? The egg donor as the laws recognize, the surrogate as the laws recognize provided she gives birth on US soil, or the biological father who was the primary care provider for the infant after birth due to the traumatic medical condition of the spouse? Since laws rule our lives, it is important to discuss based on facts and not offend anyone.

1) It was the compassion of the egg donor that gave us our IVF son and recognizing and thanking her is long overdue.

2) It was the compassion of a surrogate who carried the IVF child to term and recognizing and thanking her is long overdue.

3) The biological father stepped in as the “primary care provider” for his IVF son out of love and because the spouse was still recovering from some very traumatic medical surgeries. He did not speak up but that does NOT mean he is NOT the primary care provider. When sickness is extended over a long period of time, it takes a toll on everyone in the family, not just the patient. Add to this the complexity of secrecy, lies, breaking the laws, crimes, lack of laws, and so on makes it only worse.

4) As far as laws go, our IVF son should not exist. So what should we do with him? Is that his fault? Do we punish him into IVF purgatory for life?

5) As far as the laws go, a US parent must have a genetic link to a child born outside the US, so how do infertile Americans bring a child born outside the US legally? Does this force infertile people to lie, cheat, fraud and/or abandon innocent children so that they can have a child at any cost?

6) It was the biological father who first agreed to IVF meaning he does NOT think that infertile people are any less of a parent. He is humble and so kept the “secret”. Secrecy, lies, crimes is what is bad parenting and bad as a human being. What if truth instead of lies were allowed, what if there was respect instead of secrecy, an immigrant couple from the US coming to India to have an IVF child with help of anonymous egg donor and surrogate delivering India’s and probably the world’s first IVF child of an intersex couple. That’s the truth. Should that be celebrated with truth and respect or twisted with secrecy and lies?

7) It may be convenient to lie to others including legal authorities about being a “biological mother” of an IVF child, but does it help the child? Does it help the IVF child out of legal limbo without changing the laws? Is that being a good mother?

8) It may be convenient to hide one’s intersex surgery, one’s intersex status but does that help other intersex, infertile people get equal rights without changing the laws? Does it help the spouse caregiver of intersex who suffered in silence because technically due to fraud medical records the surgery NEVER occurred, however the abuse, the violence is real just like yesterday even after all these years.

9) Apart from being a good parent, is it equally important to to see how a parent treats others kids when it comes to good parenting? What do you think the children of Ariel Castro are thinking about their parent? Abandoning an IVF sibling, a sister, and using her as leverage with full knowledge of lack of laws for IVF children and families, just to acquire effective sole custody of the IVF brother, what is that? Is that a mother? Is that a loving mother?

10) A mother is someone who gives unconditional love and also teaches the difference between right Vs wrong, truth Vs lies, respect Vs secrecy. By living in secrecy and forcing secrecy on others, other than breaking laws, one is disrespecting the contribution of others. It is NOT about right or wrong, as humans we all make mistakes; it is about being on the right path.

11) A loving mother and father taught their son to respect all, love his spouse dearly through thick and thin, and do the “right” thing. He stayed in an intersex marriage despite being illegal and having been frauded, he became a spouse caregiver of intersex despite 83% males leaving a spouse when diagnosed with a traumatic condition, he had a child through IVF despite immigrant, IVF fathers do not exist as per prevailing laws, he raised his IVF son as a primary care provider due to the spouse’s illness and kept it all a secret as the spouse wanted and what happens in return? An abandoned IVF daughter, split IVF siblings, loss of job, career, reputation, a life created with hard work over 21 years, innocent victims of fertility. It is one thing to abuse a male, a parent, an IVF parent (lack of laws) but to abuse his IVF children is a whole another issue. No parent can stay quiet.

This Mother’s day, let’s pray and hope what all mothers do which is to bless them and more importantly, bless their children and teach compassion. If a mother of an intersex child who may go to any lengths to ensure their infertile child gets a child at any cost, what should an IVF parent do for his IVF child? What we pray for is equal rights for IVF children and families, equal intersex rights because if they existed in 2000s then a person who happens to be intersex, infertile, immigrant would have not felt threatened enough to split IVF siblings but keep them UNITED as intended.

Test of Time – Change with Truth

It is not 1414 that you can convince someone easily that earth is the center of the universe and everything revolves round the earth. Copernicus was Love-Honesty-Truth-Respect-Nothinghere, Galileo was here. Despite being falsely persecuted repeatedly, they believed in facts and science and eventually were not only proven right but changed the perception of ALL of humanity then and the billions to follow over the centuries. The power of truth has the will and courage to stand the test of time AND usher change.

Its 2014 and maybe you can convince someone that a “mother” is the ONLY primary caregiver for a child. Then how do we explain “mother” for gay parents or should gay parenting be banned? When a gay couple who are two genetic males have a child, they both love the child but only one is a biological parent if it was an IVF child. Do they try to breastfeed the child when there is no milk? If a person has an unfortunate medical event like heart surgery or breast surgery or knee surgery or whatever, it is documented TRUTHFULLY and a doctor’s note is given to avoid certain activities and give time to heal and take some precautions. It may take a few days to few weeks to few months or few years to heal depending on the surgery and its effects. Sometimes its a lifestyle change like for example a heart patient. Or if you break your knee, you can have surgery but you may never be able to play certain sports ever again depending on the medical event. What TRUTH is revealed when an intersex person undergoes an unnecessary surgery deemed “torture” by the UN? If the surgery is documented FRAUDULENTLY as if it never happened, then are there any precautions or “doctor’s note” to avoid certain activities? Like with a broken knee and hormonal therapy which includes severe depression, trauma, irritability, anxiety, tiredness, exhaustion, etc. one should WAIT to have a child? Denying facts is denying rights and justice to others. There are people in this world who believe the Holocaust never happened, then what about justice for the victims if the event never occurred? It is important to accept facts first so everyone can move forward.

Who is a mother?

Is it the woman whose egg was used, or is it the surrogate who carried the child to term or is it the primary caregiver for the child through the tender years? Between two genetic males who is the “mother”? Given certain circumstances, could the traditional role of a “mother” be a father? There are lot of infertile women who are wonderful mothers but were they dealing with intersex surgery and knee surgery and its medical effects? There are lots of adoptive mothers who are wonderful mothers but were they dealing with intersex surgery and knee surgery and its medical effects? There may be lot of intersex people who are good parents but did any of them lie, cheat and fraud subject matter experts like lactation consultant and pediatrician that they were in fact a genetic male and they did not have a “surgical menopause” in their 20s to remove ovaries but it was to remove testes. It may not mean much socially (maybe it does and thats why the secrecy and stigma) but the TRUTH means a lot to an innocent infant who is being starved and cries endlessly when attempted to be breastfed with no milk by a genetic male.

Just like Galileo made a scientific notation that earth is not the center of the universe despite almost a 100% opposition, an intersex person undergoing medical treatment from an unnecessary intersex surgery and a knee surgery needs time to stabilize and cannot be a primary caregiver for the infant for some time. We have to WAIT. So then who raised the infant? Could it be the ONLY other adult in the home – the father? A loving father who waited years to have a child, a loving father who loves children in general, a loving father who was DENIED and forced to lie about his FIRST father’s day because the intersex patient would have a significant “trauma” if the TRUTH were to be revealed about her infertility and being intersex. So do other human beings have human rights or is it a CRIME to be married to an intersex person and one must SUPPRESS their emotions for their own child?

Just because an IVF father did not report the abuse, violence, trauma against him and his IVF child does NOT mean it did not occur. Failure to continue to stay quiet would only create more INNOCENT VICTIMS. The cycle of secrecy, lies, fraud, cheating has to end.

Let us hope we will live in a world where TRUTH is more prevalent. Gays, lesbians, intersex people have equal rights. People who break laws are criminals and people who abuse children or endanger the welfare of the children are criminals. Criminals come in all forms – they can be white, black, Asian, Latino and can be straight, gay, lesbian, intersex. There is NO discrimination in being a criminal, is their discrimination against IVF children and families?

During the baby scoop era, from the 1940s to 1970s, lot of innocent children were forcefully taken away from their biological mothers because they were “single”. Today no one would dare to do that. In fact single motherhood is celebrated and there are specific laws to address that including child support. In the 2000s, IVF parents are discriminated against because of their biology and gender and their IVF kids are taken away from them only because they were born IVF and the laws do not exist to address their facts of being an immigrant IVF family. Innocent IVF children are abandoned with no responsibility or accountability towards the consenting parent for changing their mind and abandoning an innocent child. When will left-behind IVF parents, when will abandoned IVF children, when will split IVF siblings get justice? In 2020? 2030? 2040? never in their lifetime?