Tag Archives: motherhood

Test of Time – Change with Truth

It is not 1414 that you can convince someone easily that earth is the center of the universe and everything revolves round the earth. Copernicus was Love-Honesty-Truth-Respect-Nothinghere, Galileo was here. Despite being falsely persecuted repeatedly, they believed in facts and science and eventually were not only proven right but changed the perception of ALL of humanity then and the billions to follow over the centuries. The power of truth has the will and courage to stand the test of time AND usher change.

Its 2014 and maybe you can convince someone that a “mother” is the ONLY primary caregiver for a child. Then how do we explain “mother” for gay parents or should gay parenting be banned? When a gay couple who are two genetic males have a child, they both love the child but only one is a biological parent if it was an IVF child. Do they try to breastfeed the child when there is no milk? If a person has an unfortunate medical event like heart surgery or breast surgery or knee surgery or whatever, it is documented TRUTHFULLY and a doctor’s note is given to avoid certain activities and give time to heal and take some precautions. It may take a few days to few weeks to few months or few years to heal depending on the surgery and its effects. Sometimes its a lifestyle change like for example a heart patient. Or if you break your knee, you can have surgery but you may never be able to play certain sports ever again depending on the medical event. What TRUTH is revealed when an intersex person undergoes an unnecessary surgery deemed “torture” by the UN? If the surgery is documented FRAUDULENTLY as if it never happened, then are there any precautions or “doctor’s note” to avoid certain activities? Like with a broken knee and hormonal therapy which includes severe depression, trauma, irritability, anxiety, tiredness, exhaustion, etc. one should WAIT to have a child? Denying facts is denying rights and justice to others. There are people in this world who believe the Holocaust never happened, then what about justice for the victims if the event never occurred? It is important to accept facts first so everyone can move forward.

Who is a mother?

Is it the woman whose egg was used, or is it the surrogate who carried the child to term or is it the primary caregiver for the child through the tender years? Between two genetic males who is the “mother”? Given certain circumstances, could the traditional role of a “mother” be a father? There are lot of infertile women who are wonderful mothers but were they dealing with intersex surgery and knee surgery and its medical effects? There are lots of adoptive mothers who are wonderful mothers but were they dealing with intersex surgery and knee surgery and its medical effects? There may be lot of intersex people who are good parents but did any of them lie, cheat and fraud subject matter experts like lactation consultant and pediatrician that they were in fact a genetic male and they did not have a “surgical menopause” in their 20s to remove ovaries but it was to remove testes. It may not mean much socially (maybe it does and thats why the secrecy and stigma) but the TRUTH means a lot to an innocent infant who is being starved and cries endlessly when attempted to be breastfed with no milk by a genetic male.

Just like Galileo made a scientific notation that earth is not the center of the universe despite almost a 100% opposition, an intersex person undergoing medical treatment from an unnecessary intersex surgery and a knee surgery needs time to stabilize and cannot be a primary caregiver for the infant for some time. We have to WAIT. So then who raised the infant? Could it be the ONLY other adult in the home – the father? A loving father who waited years to have a child, a loving father who loves children in general, a loving father who was DENIED and forced to lie about his FIRST father’s day because the intersex patient would have a significant “trauma” if the TRUTH were to be revealed about her infertility and being intersex. So do other human beings have human rights or is it a CRIME to be married to an intersex person and one must SUPPRESS their emotions for their own child?

Just because an IVF father did not report the abuse, violence, trauma against him and his IVF child does NOT mean it did not occur. Failure to continue to stay quiet would only create more INNOCENT VICTIMS. The cycle of secrecy, lies, fraud, cheating has to end.

Let us hope we will live in a world where TRUTH is more prevalent. Gays, lesbians, intersex people have equal rights. People who break laws are criminals and people who abuse children or endanger the welfare of the children are criminals. Criminals come in all forms – they can be white, black, Asian, Latino and can be straight, gay, lesbian, intersex. There is NO discrimination in being a criminal, is their discrimination against IVF children and families?

During the baby scoop era, from the 1940s to 1970s, lot of innocent children were forcefully taken away from their biological mothers because they were “single”. Today no one would dare to do that. In fact single motherhood is celebrated and there are specific laws to address that including child support. In the 2000s, IVF parents are discriminated against because of their biology and gender and their IVF kids are taken away from them only because they were born IVF and the laws do not exist to address their facts of being an immigrant IVF family. Innocent IVF children are abandoned with no responsibility or accountability towards the consenting parent for changing their mind and abandoning an innocent child. When will left-behind IVF parents, when will abandoned IVF children, when will split IVF siblings get justice? In 2020? 2030? 2040? never in their lifetime?

The American Way

If you have unequal rights, you fight for equal rights for yourself and others like you to make this a better place for all – thats the American Supreme court gay marriageWay. Secrecy, lies, fraud, breaking the laws is not. More importantly by not speaking up, the inequality continues and the much needed laws for innocent victims remain unchanged leading to continuing victimization. As a fellow American Rosa Parks said it the best, “The only tired I was, was tired of giving in.” Is it a crime to show compassion and love for human rights in your home against abuse, violence and fraud where the laws itself fall short? Is it such a terrible crime that innocent children should be punished?

Human rights for all are part of every culture. We all do the best we can. It is ingrained in our humanity. Don’t try to give human rights at home folks, it can be used against you…instead speak up and give human rights in public than your words will COUNT MORE than your actions. One needs a strong leader sometimes to make big mountains move. And that strong leader can be a combination of social freedom, political freedom, legislative freedom and others. It is not a single individual nor a single system, it is a collective. And often in this world that face happens to be America. People like the American Way.

If you are gay, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are lesbian, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are intersex, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are immigrant, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are infertile, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are IVF parent, thats not a crime but at least you should have the freedom to express it without being persecuted.

If you are immigrant, IVF parent part of an intersex family, is it OK to speak up or will you be falsely persecuted for stating facts? Will you be falsely accused and defamed? Worse, will your innocent, voiceless IVF children be punished for crimes they did not commit? Is this the American Way?

The right answer is to say the truth and have equal rights for IVF children and families.

Infertility is a very traumatic, one would know if you have had two IVF children. The laws in the US require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Then how does an infertile person legally bring a child born outside the US? Does this create circumstances where an infertile person may go to any extent including secrecy, lies, fraud, breaking the laws, false allegations to take a child away from their biological family? Does this create circumstances where an innocent IVF sister is abandoned in India while her IVF brother is land-locked in the US? Is the only way to have a child is to abandon another child, do the child have rights and if so, where are they? Is this the American way?

Is this a case of perfect child abduction and human trafficking? Since secrecy, lies, fraud and breaking of the laws was used to get an IVF child into the US instead of trying to work within the legal system, what happens to the child now? The laws have NOT changed. So only a parent with a “genetic link” can get a US Passport for the IVF child despite having fraud documentation to show an infertile person is the “biological parent” of the child. Despite having court orders to LIE to the innocent child. Despite the violence, abuse, brainwashing and alienating the innocent IVF child. How do we help the innocent IVF child? Is this the American way?

What about the innocent IVF sister who was abandoned in India cleverly manipulating the US laws. Is this a case of perfect child abandonment? If an American gives consent to have an IVF child in a foreign country and later decides to abandon the IVF pregnancy, what are the rights of the innocent IVF child? Did they ask to be born for amusement of infertile humans? Whats next? Human cloning for a spare heart? An adult can abandon a pregnancy anytime but there is responsibility and accountability towards the innocent child regardless of your gender. Is this the American way?

Like Dr. MLK, Jr., Susan B Anthony, Edie Windsor, if you experience inequality, you stand up, state the truth and ask for equal rights. It takes patience, resilience and a commitment to the truth. Thats the American Way.

Hi, I am intersex and people like me do not have equal rights. We cannot legally marry, we are infertile, we cannot legally immigrate based on marriage. May we please have equal rights? Thats the American Way.

Using secrecy, lies, fraud, breaking laws does no one any good. How will it help other intersex, infertile, immigrant, IVF people and families? Recall that “baby scoop era” is also a sad part of American history only to be rejected and single motherhood today is celebrated. Today we have truth and reconciliation commissions for the “baby scoop era” for the horrific crimes against the innocent children and their biological parents.

Parent of IVF Nation

Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, Nelson Mandela are some of the biggest humanitarian pioneers and inspirations of the 20th century. Both Dr. King and gandhi-king-mandibaMandiba have admitted Gandhiji as their mentor in principle. They all taught us a singular message that when it comes to human rights – its a long war but in the end truth always prevails. Their personal family lives suffer but they are “Father of the Nation”. While Dr. King may not have been awarded this title, he certainly changed the moral compass of an entire nation and USA being one of the most powerful nations in the world, he also ended changing the moral compass of the world just like Gandhiji and Mandiba.

  • Gandhiji – Right to Freedom
  • Dr. King – Right to Vote
  • Mandiba – Right to Vote
  • IVF Parent – Right to Fertility 

To take a note out of each humanitarian:

“Become the change you want to see in this world” – Mahatma Gandhi. Similarly, can there be laws and change for fertility rights so people don’t have to break laws?

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” – Dr. King. Similarly, is injustice to IVF child/family enough to make us want reproductive laws?

“If one can be taught to hate, then they can also be taught to love.” – Madiba. Similarly, if human-made laws can split families, can new laws be enacted to keep IVF families united?

We have a dream that one day there will be equal rights for IVF children and families including straight, single, LGBTI parents. In the 21st century, we have new challenges – gay rights, immigration rights, IVF rights, reproductive rights, and so on. The British ruled India for centuries and it took Gandhiji a few decades to achieve freedom with his honest and peaceful approach. Dr. King fought for civil rights for a few decades before realizing his dream. Mandiba took a few decades to be free of apartheid. Gay rights movements have fought for decades before getting some rights in 2013. Immigration rights have made some success stories but is not complete and continues to split families. Reproductive rights, IVF rights are not even on the radar to be addressed yet. Claiming reproductive rights only belong to women is retrogressive because innocent children of LGBTI families, single parents, non-biological parents get punished because of lack of foresight in the laws. Mothers will always be mothers and no one cant take that away. By acknowledging facts where families exist with children of single male fathers or gay fathers or where fathers are primary care providers we are addressing the rights of a child and not threatening “motherhood” in any way. In the 21st century, reproductive rights need to be inclusive and be free of 20th century stereotypes.

When the peaceful and honest freedom for reproductive rights for all will be complete, we will witness the same principles of Gandhiji, Dr. King and Mandiba having won.

  • When truth will triumph over lies,
  • When love and character of a parent will count more than their gender or biology with the child,
  • When facts will triumph over traditional stereotypes,
  • When love and compassion will triumph over secrecy and lies,
  • When innocent, defenseless IVF children rights will triumph the mistakes of adults,
  • When we can honestly respect another soul’s existence like ours – meaning we all deserve equal respect and dignity regardless of caste, gender, color, race, religion, birth type (natural or IVF), birth place.

We look forward to the day when the Parents of the IVF nation will be treated equally and their intent will be taken into account. We look forward to the day when innocent, defenseless IVF children will have equal protection under law.

  • If there is a DNA mismatch in having a IVF child and the parent still wants to raise the child, there should be laws to allow that and the parent should not be forced to give up the child.
  • If an infertile parent who cannot have a “biological link” with a child, there should be laws to still allow them to immigrate with a “non-biological” child instead of breaking the laws.
  • If a gay parent or single parent wants to raise a child, their gender or circumstances should not be used to punish his children to be split up growing up separately.
  • If a parent carries her IVF child to term but with donor egg and sperm and therefore “no biological link” with the child, there  should be laws to still allow them to immigrate as a “mother”.

A Thousand Lies Punishes Innocent Children

There are all kinds of innocent children who get punished for no fault of their own. And parents of each of those innocent children demand for equal truth in action lies in wordsrights. The “punishment” comes due to lack of laws and no relief for victims and in this case it is innocent children. Education and awareness are key to achieving those very same equal rights which requires stating the facts and the truth. Saying a thousand lies to hide one lie only creates more victims and provides no solution for the future. Let us learn from our mistakes and stop the strategy of secrecy and lies at the cost of innocent children. Secrecy and lies breed complexity, live simple with truth and compassion. The challenge is to accept the facts and move forward. Embrace change. Can you and the government do that by passing equal laws?

It’s very nice to be right sometimes.” – said Professor Higgs, winner of Nobel Prize in 2013 for the Higgs Boson Particle for something he discovered over 40 years ago…it took a while to prove him right.

It is true that there are innocent children who may have autism or cystic fibrosis or Down’s Syndrome or other medical conditions. As parents we help our child the best we can and in areas where we need assistance from the government, we petition for laws. That is why we are petitioning for laws for IVF children, petitioning for laws for intersex.

What crime has a lovely four year old committed that she should be land-locked and made stateless? What other crimes have been committed? If you have the guts, look in her pretty eyes and then respond.

  • Infertility is very traumatic. IVF helps alleviate some of that pain by giving the gift of life – a lovely IVF child. Does the IVF child have any rights – the so called “gift”?
  • There are women who abandon a child at birth due to various personal circumstances and reasons. While some women are forced to give up their children at birth like during the “baby scoop era“. By acknowledging the facts and the truth, today we have “safe haven” laws where women can safely leave their child without any repurcusions and the best interest of the child is served. Today we also truth and reconciliation commissions who are bringing some “level of justice” to the victims of the “baby scoop era”.
  • From the perspective of the child, there are several reasons why a “mother” may not be around to raise a child when the child is born. Maybe the mother passed away during child birth or maybe the mother fell seriously ill after child birth which forbid her to be a “traditional mother” or maybe the child is being raised by a single father or gay fathers. We will get into the discussion of “primary care provider” and “mother” later. In 2013, it is important to acknowledge the facts in the best interest of the child. What if an “order” is placed for an IVF child with a surrogate and then the intended parent changes their mind during the pregnancy and abandons the IVF child, what category does that fit into why the IVF child does not have a “mother”? Unlike unwanted natural born pregnancies, IVF pregnancies are deliberate, costly and well planned. Why abandon an IVF child? Just like we have pedophiles in our society, we have even a rarer species called IVFphiles. And as IVF picks up in the coming century, there will be more cases of IBFphiles (strictly due to math), where are the laws to protect and ensure the rights of the IVF children? What if the surrogacy is international and now the IVF child is stateless and in legal limbo due to lack of immigration laws?
  • For over 10000 years, we have a special meaning for “mothers” and it reflects in our cultures, society, laws across the world. We are not going to change the concept of “motherhood” overnight and neither anyone is going to try because all mothers are special. However in 2013, we also have realities of minorities who are single fathers or gay fathers or IVF fathers and so who is the “mother” for the child? More importantly are the “rights of an IVF child” inhibited due to “no legal mother”? From a literal perspective, we need a term like “primary care provider” regardless of a parent’s gender, color, caste, sexual orientation, etc. From a social perspective, the world is not comfortable with that yet. The case of an IVF child takes special meaning in this regard. Legally, when a parent uses an anonymous egg donor and surrogate to have an IVF child, who is the “mother”? Legally one has to complete adoption procedures as per local laws. Emotionally, is the person who is the “primary care provider” for the infant for first 3 – 6- 9 -12 -24 months the “mother”? In the case of single fathers, gay fathers, IVF fathers, is the traditional role of “mother” taken up by the father as the “primary care provider”? More importantly, who does the IVF child identify the most with as the “primary care provider”?