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Wish I were Gay for my IVF Children’s Sake As Dictated by Laws

There are stories about how gay parents are coping in the 21st century – fighting for “maternity” leave as the primary care provider OR to have equal parental rights OR Nazi Intersex IVF Historyallowed to tell the truth to their child OR so many other battles they have to fight just to be allowed to LOVE their child FREELY. Is the same true for an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children? An IVF father who is not gay is on “maternal leave” for 5 years and counting because he did not want to abandon his child.

There is NOT a day that goes by when one does not DREAM of an innocent IVF brother walking through the front door to hug his primary care provider, his father, and his siblings not because the rights of an intersex, immigrant, IVF father matter BUT because an innocent, IVF child has rights too and its his DREAM too. Are innocent IVF siblings, innocent IVF fathers allowed to have DREAMS OR are they reserved only for infertile, immigrants who must have a child at any and all costs including abandoning an innocent child? The issue is not about intersex, infertility, IVF, the issue is do innocent siblings deserve to grow up together and do the voiceless have rights? As the recent story about Mr. Lanza shows that “wishful thinking” is not the answer but dealing with facts and respect for laws is the right answer.  The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun”, it can also be false records, fraud, lies, breaking the laws with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims.

While people are still debating whether being gay is right or wrong, gay parents having and raising children is right or wrong, at least their issues are on the radar and are getting solutions, especially from the legal perspective. An intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children are LOST and written off. An intersex, IVF father may NOT be gay but from a legal perspective is treated as a “GAY man”.  In a gay relationship, who is the “mother”? More importantly, who does the child have an infinite, loving BOND with – the primary care provider or the “mother” or “father”?The child goes to the person whose love they can feel due to the qualitative time they spend together and NOT because the person is “mother” or “father”, “gay” or “straight”, or whatever other “social discrimination”. Wish I were gay then at least the issues we are facing about parental rights, IVF rights, immigrant rights of same-sex folks, dysfertility rights would be discussed in the OPEN rather than SUPPRESSED under the carpet, ironically enough as gay rights have been dealt with for several decades.

The only thing WORSE than denying justice to a person – black or white, gay or straight, man or woman, adult or child, or [insert] whatever other “social discrimination” here is to DISRESPECT their issues which is DENYING rights. Just like some people believe the Holocaust never happened, how can you even discuss with them the horrific and traumatic events that occurred during the Holocaust because as per them “it never happened”?

The reasons why it is important to discuss Abu Ghraib is the same reasons why it is important to discuss an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children. It is not “anti-national”, it is to first give justice to innocent victims and second to learn and ensure it is never repeated. Having two split innocent IVF siblings on two different continents in legal limbo is nothing short of our “Abu Ghraib” because it has been done willfully and is a crime against their humanity even though they may be young and voiceless. It is very traumatic for an intersex person in 2000s but at least they have support if they are honest, what about spouse and children of an intersex marriage who are forced into silence and abused and traumatized? Appeasement even by parents and professionals/experts as the Adam Lanza case shows is NOT the answer, confronting facts and discussing them openly will lead to a better solution for all including innocent children. Lying on medical records which denies rights of others and abuses others is a crime. Ignoring the blatant facts is wrong. Breaking laws is wrong. Intersex people have struggled for decades if not centuries to get recognized and have equal rights, how long will it be before spouse and IVF children of intersex marriage are provided appropriate support?

If the US recovers its citizens who go to foreign countries and may “break the laws” there like trying to do good in North Korea. What help and support does the US provide its citizens who try to help infertile people where laws itself fall short? Who protects their rights and should they be “recovered” and be united as a family?

Separating biological families even under a “legal guise” is not new, ask anyone who knows about the “baby scoop era”. Decades later, there are apologies from the government, “truth and reconciliation” commissions.

The laws have already spoken, an intersex spouse should have reported the crime and NOT shown compassion, the fertile spouse should NOT have accepted the fraud documents from an infertile family and NOT shown compassion, he should have also NOT shown compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person just like he laws dictate. But why are we (and the laws) punishing innocent IVF siblings for crimes they did not commit? Showing compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person is NOT wrong but supporting a LIAR and CRIMINAL is wrong. In fact it is so wrong that one has two innocent IVF siblings SPLIT willfully on two continents in legal limbo and with no justice.

IVF or Natural Born Child, Would You Like Equal Rights With That?

A child is a child, having equal rights should not matter. Its 2014 and we have some archaic and barbaric laws which are hurting IVF or natural - equal rightsinnocent children. It is HARD not to get your hairs raised both as a parent and as a human being. When will we get equal rights for IVF children and families? How stereotypes of the society and justice system are hurting and violating the rights of innocent IVF children?

“In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, we did some things that were wrong. We did a whole lot of things that were right, but we tortured some folks. We did things that were contrary to our values,” said US President Obama.

“it’s an incredibly sad story”. “I guess it illustrates some of the pitfalls involved in this particular [surrogacy] business,” said Australian PM Abbott on abandoned IVF baby in Thailand.

What should we say to abandoned IVF baby in India and knowingly splitting IVF brother and sister across the US and India? An IVF parent knows the facts but the “system/laws” have a long way to catch up…in the meantime, what should the IVF parent do to the IVF siblings? – Abandon them or fight for them or die from their own personal trauma – perhaps the real intent so that there is NO LEGAL challenger. While systems may be slow to catch up, people still commit crimes and should we right multiple wrongs or do we look the other way? Is it torture for an IVF family to be knowingly SPLIT up – is this their Abu Ghraib? is this their double whammy of MH370 and MH17? Rather than pointing fingers, we are looking for justice, we are looking for a solution to UNITE innocent IVF brother and sister because regardless of any justification, knowingly splitting up siblings is a crime today and will be in the future. Infertility is very trauma

As times move forward and more democratization of the world, more people are finding the strength to report the truth no matter how bitter nor are afraid of the persecution by powerful people. The primary driving force behind the truth is best interest of innocent children. Recently, there was a case where a Hollywood IVF parent-to-be decided to abandon an ongoing IVF pregnancy despite giving consent in the first place. In another case, a person successfully filed for divorce without declaring an ongoing IVF pregnancy resulting in successfully splitting two innocent IVF siblings and placing them in legal limbo. In another case, an Australian couple abandoned an innocent IVF child because he has Down’s Syndrome. In another case, a Canadian couple was unable to take their IVF child born in India due to a “DNA mismatch”. In a US case, a “mother” was not considered the mother of two lovely IVF children because she only carried them to term but had “no genetic link” as she used an egg donor. After four long, grueling years, the US changed its laws for “IVF mothers” like these. There are several such IVF cases but they rarely come to light in 2014 because it is taboo, stigma, secrecy. Ask the victimized IVF child if they care about all this? In each case, the truth has to be told, the unaffected public needs to be educated on the facts and lack of laws for international IVF, and finally, maybe, the government may take some action after prolonged number of years. How is that the “best interest of the child”?

  1. What are the rights of an IVF child born during a divorce?
  2. What are the rights of an IVF child who has been knowingly abandoned?
  3. What are the rights of an IVF child who had a DNA mismatch?
  4. If an IVF mother can dream of providing a sibling to an IVF child, can an IVF father have the same dream? More critically, can an IVF child of an IVF father dream to have a sibling to love, share and grow up with?
  5. When an IVF child is abandoned, what are the rights of a left-behind IVF child and parent/caretaker?
  6. If consent is REQUIRED to commence IVF/surrogacy, then what should be the responsibility and accountability when the same cnsenting adult decides to abandon an innocent IVF child they consented to before?
  7. If a genetic parent is REQUIRED to pay child support for a child they abandoned, what should be the responsibility and accountability of a non-genetic parent who gave consent for an IVF child but later abandoned?
  8. If a non-genetic parent has EQUAL rights to an IVF child they consented to, then what should be the responsibility and accountability of a non-genetic parent who gave consent for an IVF child but later abandoned?
  9. If a commercial surrogate delivers an IVF child as per consent, does she deserve to get paid by the consenting IVF parents when she delivers? What are the surrogate’s rights (a woman also) or do only rights of the infertile matter?
  10. Why do we have these disparate laws for IVF children and families? Instead of trying to shove facts under the carpet, intimidating and threatening IVF parents who care deeply for their child, falsely persecuting and oppressing innocent IVF parents and therefore his IVF children, isn’t it better to have equal rights for IVF children and families? Let’s solve the bigger problem instead of dancing around secrecy and lies.

The world is perhaps a few decades away before having equal rights for IVF children and families including donors, surrogates, intended parents but in the meantime let us not continue the victimization and abuse of innocent IVF children by denying them justice. In the bigger historical context, the laws requested will become a reality then why punish innocent IVF children today?

If the same children were not born via IVF but were born naturally, would they have to deal with these lack of laws? Are innocent IVF children and families specifically being targeted if not deliberately, at least inadvertently by not taking any action to have equal rights?

Let Freedom Ring Free

OMG, how can an IVF father raise an IVF child? Thats the most common reaction for an IVF father living in exile raising an abandoned IVF child. Why is the focus on the “gender” of a parent? This stereotype manifests itself into laws which actually hurts innocent IVF children. And as a parent, that is more than offensive, more than traumatic and it is torturous to see your innocent child being punished for crimes they did not commit and due to their parent’s “gender”. freedom ring free ivfDiscrimination against males and females, mothers and fathers is actually hurting innocent children due to lack of laws. As a parent, all one wants is the best for their children and at the very least provide equal rights for their children. For a mentally and/or physically challenged child, the parent wants the best for their child and laws to support that, for an IVF child, an IVF parent wants the best for their child and laws to support that. Not mother, not father but a parent. While the compassion and concern is appreciated one receives as an IVF father, the real answer is to address the inadequacy of the laws in the 21st century. We want freedom, we want respect and more than anything we want equal rights for our IVF children and families.

It would be nice to see someday the question that how does a “parent” feel? Gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers are just parents. Let us not continue the discrimination with innocent children of gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers by “classifying” them. They are just innocent children of their loving parents, shouldn’t that be enough? I have a dream that someday it is the character and love of a parent that will count more than the gender of a parent. Dealing with infertility is NOT a women’s issue. Dealing with infertility is a CHILD issue. Dealing with infertility is a HUMAN issue. Let us not PUNISH innocent children due to the war on fertility.

Recently, Indra Nooyi, an accomplished individual and voted one of the top 50 most influential women in the world said that “Women can’t have it all” and it is hard to have a work-life balance. What about IVF fathers, can they have it all when it comes to loving and raising their IVF children together at home? Are the centuries old stereotypes hurting us as a society? If women are trying to break the “glass ceiling” at work, are fathers at home waiting to get equal rights? If a woman is disfranchised at work, someone still gets the job done although the woman still maybe a victim of unequal laws and stereotypes. At home, when fathers are discriminated, it is the innocent child who gets disenfranchised, a living, breathing human being – is this what our society wants moving forward? Let us not continue to give unequal rights to fathers at home which directly abuses the rights of innocent children. If women can’t have it all, can innocent IVF girl have it all? Like a legal identity, a passport to travel freely to visit her brother, see the snow, see the wild animals and explore the world?

In other news, the Indian Supreme Court recently said that women are “misusing” the anti-dowry laws to protect them instead they have turned it into a weapon. Laws are created to protect people. When people “misuse” the law, it fails in spirit of the law and is disrespectful to the legal system and endangers the welfare of innocent children. If you have a little daughter, is this what you would want to teach her which is to place innocent grandfathers and grandmothers in prison under false accusations just so that you can harass your spouse? It begs the question – If women “misuse” anti-dowry laws, what would infertile people do who cannot legally have a child without a “genetic link”? Exactly at what point do we say its enough? Perhaps when innocent children are being abused and placed in legal limbo for the selfish advantage of an infertile adult who happens to lie which breaks laws – is that enough? We all have skeletons in the closet but when those skeletons happen to be of innocent children OR compassionate surrogates rights, someone has to speak up. The TRUTH has to be told so that a change in laws can occur in the best interest of children. Children are NOT the criminals – so why should they be punished by being palced in legal limbo?

If a four year old wants to go to America to see her brother OR a nine year old brother wants to come to India to see her sister- she/he should be able to? Why deny them the right because an adult infertile person wants to break the laws for selfish advantage?

If a four year old wants to go to Canada to see the snow or go to Africa to see the giraffes and zebra – she should be able to? Why deny them the right because an adult infertile person wants to break the laws for selfish advantage?

IVF fathers are tough. Especially, ones who made multiple trips to the IVF clinics by themselves. Regardless of whether they are gay, single, intersex fathers, straight fathers, compassionate fathers, loving fathers, they made the trips alone because they wanted a child. And to ask a parent, an IVF parent to abandon their IVF child because LAWS are inadequate is insane and heartless. It questions every being of humanity within us.  If it does not raise your hairs, it should. If it raises your hairs, raise them more. Because this is a nightmare for any parent – the worst form of casteism. Where the actions of a parent are used against innocent children forever. Let the innocent children have freedom and have their own individual rights – show them true love.

IVF Rights Part of Immigration Executive Order

Recently, US President Obama announced that he will have an executive order for immigration reform. Are IVF rights on the agenda? Here are a few immigration-ivf-reformsimple reasons to have IVF rights on the agenda first and foremost in the best interest of the IVF child and then the intended parents and families. As a society, we cannot knowingly create stateless babies and punish IVF families for wanting to build families through wonders of IVF. It is time to celebrate IVF in the 21st century and not hibernate. If you agree with the change, sign the petition at http://chn.ge/1oltFl5 and support IVF rights.

1) Change the verbiage in the current US Immigration Law (7 FAM 1131.4 and 7 FAM 1131.5 and its sub-sections) that deals with IVF for US citizens: Change the phrase from “biological mother/father” to “parent“.  The “genetic link” requirement discriminates against infertile people (the very folks who are meant to give a helping hand through wonders of technology), punishes innocent IVF children for DNA mismatches, punishes IVF children born during a divorce or born into a LGBTI family or single parent family. 

2) Change the phrase from “child born out of wedlock” to “child born“.  If IVF children are deemed to be “born out of wedlock”, are we implicitly taking away their legal rights of being “born in a marriage”? Frankly, the verbiage is outdated and offensive.

3) The applicable US Immigration law for IVF fathers on US green card: We are asking for a change of one word – from “mother” to “parent” as cited in 9 FAM 42.1 N2.1 and 9 FAM 42.1 N1.1. This would allow an IVF father legally on US green card to bring a child born outside the US though an egg donor and surrogate to meet US law requirements. If a US LPR mother uses her egg and a donor sperm and surrogate abroad can bring that IVF child legally to the US then why discriminate against the IVF father who uses his sperm? Does the innocent IVF child care?

4) Family Laws and Best Interest of an IVF child born during a divorce – If a US couple has an ongoing IVF pregnancy, it must be mandatory to declare the IVF pregnancy to the court like a natural pregnancy in the event of a divorce so that the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD can be ascertained by the court. Suppressing information from the court is a crime. The rights of an innocent IVF child in a foreign country of a US couple are directly placed in a LEGAL LIMBO. Have a law that a US resident (US Citizen or Legal resident) must “pre-declare” for an IVF child if the surrogacy is done abroad which inherently will protect the rights of the innocent IVF child.

5) Left-behind IVF child law – The needs of an IVF child are NO DIFFERENT than a natural born child. An IVF child also needs love, care, clothes, food, shelter, books, toys, education, and so on. If an intended parent abandons an IVF pregnancy or IVF child in a foreign country, they should be held accountable and responsible because the IVF child’s needs are EQUAL. Is an IVF child LESS of a child than a natural born child? An IVF child is not an unwanted pregnancy but a deliberate pregnancy to bring an innocent life into this world. Laws should hold adults accountable and responsible for abandoning an ongoing IVF pregnancy they consented to.

6) Legal recourse for lapses – In cases where the fertility clinic lapses like accidentally swapping samples there should be a legal recourse. In this case, a DNA test would be negative but what if the intended parents still want to bring an IVF child born outside the US back to the US and raise them? It is traumatic enough to deal with infertility and the trauma only continues when there are serious lapses like switching samples of the biological parent. Some of these laws should be retroactive to UNITE innocent IVF children and families.

7) Debate on Parentage – Define clearly on parentage of the child including issuance of legal documents like birth certificate. A valid birth certificate is a fundamental right of the CHILD and not the parents. It is a document that the child carries for life including adulthood. As the technology evolves, (Link Is : “Three-Parent IVF” Up For Public Consultation In Britain : http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/250343.php) it is possible to have a “three parent IVF child” where the DNA is from three parents. What will be the legal impact of this?

8) Public Service –

a) Just like there are public service announcements through radio advertisements, etc. to educate and spread awareness about adoption and its legalities, there should be similar public service campaigns for IVF families.

b) Just like there are travel advisories for US citizens to risky regions, there should be IVF/surrogacy advisories for US citizens of countries that uphold basic IVF child rights and basic human rights of the IVF industry including donors and surrogates.

National Fatherless Day – Absentee Parent or an Abused IVF Family?

I love my son very much. I cannot participate in my son’s life because raising his sister he wanted is equally important. Both my son and daughter are ivf-smileborn through IVF and as an IVF parent, I am married to IVF for life because the anti-IVF laws are hurting innocent IVF children and families like mine and so many more. IVF is dealt with secrecy and lies and so not many people speak up when there are issues with it, that does not mean it did not occur. When one parent is living in exile to raise an IVF child while being forced to be separated from his other IVF child, is he an absentee parent or an abused parent? Is the child fatherless or been alienated? More importantly, the two innocent IVF siblings have never met, is that abuse against the children? The innocent children are in legal limbo, is that abuse against the innocent IVF family? This is the Abu Ghraib of IVF, it has occurred due to anti-IVF laws. Speaking the truth is not being unpatriotic nor inhumane. Asking for basic human rights and child rights for IVF children and families is the right way forward. Showing basic human decency to the most vulnerable is the right answer, abandoning them or alienating them from their biological family is not. IVF is the new black, the new gay, the new orange. When will it be time for IVF rights? My lovely children are not fatherless, he has been made fatherless due to lack of laws and secrecy and lies. I have faith that the US will correct the course and fix its IVF laws, in the meantime, what about people who manipulate the IVF laws for personal advantage that places innocent IVF children at risk and in legal limbo? It makes them FATHERLESS knowingly. 

Its not what you say, but its action that counts. Had I not gone for IVF, there would have been no IVF children. Had there been equal laws for IVF children and families than a person could not have taken advantage of it by lying, suppression of facts to SPLIT innocent siblings. There would have been NO case of fait accompli in a heinous act of the perfect child abduction AND the perfect child abandonment. An individual can choose to become a Rosa Parks or Edie Windsor or Ariel Castro or Ann Pettway, that is ACTION, not words. If you are infertile, join us, because if equal laws existed then innocent IVF siblings would not have been SPLIT.

In the ancient Indian culture, there are several references to women having a child “magically”. But none ever abandoned a child to have another child. But none was successful in splitting siblings. Maiyya Yashoda raised two lovely brothers together and despite not being a biological mother is revered even today with heaps of praises for doing the “right thing”. While Kaikeyi, a biological mother, tried to SPLIT his son from his brother and take over the kingdom in her son’s “best interest”. The son neither took the kingdom he was given nor did he get along with his biological mother. So it is NOT about the “genetic link” as US laws demand to define good parenting, it is about LOVE and CHARACTER and time always supports TRUTH.

Dearly Beloved….

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate IVF. We are gathered here to celebrate the goodness in humanity like the compassionate donors and surrogates and the “village” which helps create IVF children and care for them when IVF parents are not around. Had it not been for the compassion of egg donors and surrogates, I would never have had two lovely IVF children. Regardless of how they are born, they are my children and I love them.

Is there  a difference between a sperm donor Vs. father? Is there a difference between an egg donor and mother? Is there a difference between gestational carrier and mother? Is there a difference between no sperm, no egg, no womb and being a parent because of your love towards the child?

The beauty of the US is we can openly discuss and petition our government for change without the fear or threats of being persecuted. Change may take time like abolishment of slavery, women suffrage, civil rights, gay rights, transgender rights, maybe someday IVF rights.

If a woman who uses her own eggs but due to medical reasons, uses a surrogate, is she a mother? As per US laws, yes. If a man uses his sperm but due to medical reasons, his wife can neither provide eggs or womb, is he a father? As per US laws, NO. As per US laws, the innocent child is deemed “born out of wedlock” and thereby stealing all the rights of the innocent IVF child afforded to “children of marriage”. If a woman becomes a “gestational carrier” but uses donor eggs due to medical reasons, is she a mother? Until January 2014, as per US laws, NO. Is this the US we dream of?

As an IVF father forced into exile to raise a daughter rather than abandon her and in the process losing effective custody of his IVF son is nothing short of Abu Ghraib, perhaps worse since innocent children are involved. It is torture. It is not short of an intersex person having to go through a senseless intersex surgery which the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP since it is torture. Was it wrong to help a fellow infertile human being? If the US courts give a decree which is globally enforceable, shouldn’t they consider the global facts of the case at least in the best interest of innocent children?

If the US courts are so concerned about best interest of the child and justice, then if they can consider a person a parent with no genetic link, why don’t US Courts petition the US Government to change the laws to reflect their social activism instead of splitting innocent siblings? Or if a person is a parent  by virtue of giving consent to an IVF child then given the same logic shouldn’t the person be held accountable and responsible when they abandon an IVF child AFTER consenting to it? Do the benefits of IVF go to the infertile parent but the abandonment and its consequences is the responsibility of the left-behind fertile parent? Let us be very clear, the fertile parent wanted to HELP a fellow human being who happens to be infertile and having his innocent IVF children being used as “property” or rendering them in legal limbo IS NOT part of any deal. Children must have rights including IVF children, including innocent children in Thailand who have been victims of US citizens who have been prosecuted an convicted or same for Afghan child victims or Iraq child victims. Then why is there NO JUSTICE for IVF child victims in India from US citizens who have abandoned the innocent child for selfish motives with no responsibility or accountability? Do innocent IVF children in India who have been abandoned have any rights?

I got it wrong – Plain and Simple with IVF

Are we ready to UNITE and not DIVIDE innocent IVF siblings and stop punishing them for crimes they did not commit?  There is a common theme between the story of an intersex spouse and an immigrant IVF father  in 2000s and a recent published memoir, Hard Choices, by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had this to say about her voting for the Iraq warhillary-clinton-iraq-war-ivf in 2002.

1) “I got it wrong. Plain and simple.”

Being a spouse in an intersex marriage is not wrong but it may be illegal, having a child through IVF is not wrong, being an immigrant is not wrong, being a primary care provider for your child as a father is not wrong, helping a fellow human being who happens to lie and break laws is wrong. I got it wrong as an intersex spouse, IVF father, immigrant. Plain and Simple.

2) “As the war dragged on, with every letter I sent to a family in New York who had lost a son or daughter, a father or mother, my mistake (became) more painful,” Clinton adds.

As the fraud marriage dragged on and more truth got revealed, I realized I had been lied to and that is not love under any circumstances. I had followed my heart like my family taught me and that is not wrong. With every day passing in abuse for me and my innocent child, my mistake became more painful not due to intersex, IVF, or being an immigrant but due to lies, secrecy and breaking the laws.

3) “I thought I had acted in good faith and made the best decision I could with the information I had. And I wasn’t alone in getting it wrong. But I still got it wrong. Plain and simple.”

I thought I had acted in good faith in helping a fellow human being who happens to be intersex, infertile and an immigrant. I did not realize the severe lack of laws for our situation. I did not realize that showing compassion and respect where the laws itself falls short was such a heinous crime that my innocent IVF children had to be punished for it. I did the best I could in being a spouse caregiver of intersex, a loving IVF father, a primary care provider for my child in silence and secrecy despite the lack of laws. But I still got it wrong because I trusted a person who lies and breaks laws like a common criminal. Plain and simple.

I never dreamt that my innocent IVF children would be used as human chatal and “property” in the war on fertility. I never dreamt that innocent, voiceless children would be made victims rather than being given equal rights as a human being. I never dreamt that being born IVF would be used as discrimination rather than as celebration.

Lying for the sake of your children should not become the weapon of choice for seasoned liars. What is better? To lie to save a life or to lie to take a life?

Truth on Mother’s Day

This could have been a great mother’s day story and how a “village” helped to make a mother – the difference is truth Vs. lies, the difference is respect Vs.ivf-mothers-day  secrecy. A lovely IVF child was born due to blessings of a lot of good-hearted people. They deserve the thanks and recognition. The year was 2004. The month was June. A lovely IVF child was born after our first successful attempt. We were young, we were naive, we knew hat the failure rates are twice that of success rates for IVF but did not experience it. Plus it was all remote for us and done in high secrecy. The chances of failure far outweighed chances of success and there he was, our lovely IVF son, thanks to the compassion of so many people. If an intersex, infertile, immigrant parent is happy to be a mother of a non-biological IVF child today separated from his sibling and biological family, they should be thanking the GRANDMOTHER of the IVF child who taught her son to show respect for all, compassion and forgiveness. Because if we go by the laws, every law as it pertains to intersex, immigration, IVF has been BROKEN in 2000s, now what? Maulik as a father thanks his mother for all who she is and came to the rescue again at age 68 when an innocent IVF sibling was abandoned. Words cannot describe what a mother is but her actions and what she teaches her children are far more powerful.

So who is the mother? The egg donor as the laws recognize, the surrogate as the laws recognize provided she gives birth on US soil, or the biological father who was the primary care provider for the infant after birth due to the traumatic medical condition of the spouse? Since laws rule our lives, it is important to discuss based on facts and not offend anyone.

1) It was the compassion of the egg donor that gave us our IVF son and recognizing and thanking her is long overdue.

2) It was the compassion of a surrogate who carried the IVF child to term and recognizing and thanking her is long overdue.

3) The biological father stepped in as the “primary care provider” for his IVF son out of love and because the spouse was still recovering from some very traumatic medical surgeries. He did not speak up but that does NOT mean he is NOT the primary care provider. When sickness is extended over a long period of time, it takes a toll on everyone in the family, not just the patient. Add to this the complexity of secrecy, lies, breaking the laws, crimes, lack of laws, and so on makes it only worse.

4) As far as laws go, our IVF son should not exist. So what should we do with him? Is that his fault? Do we punish him into IVF purgatory for life?

5) As far as the laws go, a US parent must have a genetic link to a child born outside the US, so how do infertile Americans bring a child born outside the US legally? Does this force infertile people to lie, cheat, fraud and/or abandon innocent children so that they can have a child at any cost?

6) It was the biological father who first agreed to IVF meaning he does NOT think that infertile people are any less of a parent. He is humble and so kept the “secret”. Secrecy, lies, crimes is what is bad parenting and bad as a human being. What if truth instead of lies were allowed, what if there was respect instead of secrecy, an immigrant couple from the US coming to India to have an IVF child with help of anonymous egg donor and surrogate delivering India’s and probably the world’s first IVF child of an intersex couple. That’s the truth. Should that be celebrated with truth and respect or twisted with secrecy and lies?

7) It may be convenient to lie to others including legal authorities about being a “biological mother” of an IVF child, but does it help the child? Does it help the IVF child out of legal limbo without changing the laws? Is that being a good mother?

8) It may be convenient to hide one’s intersex surgery, one’s intersex status but does that help other intersex, infertile people get equal rights without changing the laws? Does it help the spouse caregiver of intersex who suffered in silence because technically due to fraud medical records the surgery NEVER occurred, however the abuse, the violence is real just like yesterday even after all these years.

9) Apart from being a good parent, is it equally important to to see how a parent treats others kids when it comes to good parenting? What do you think the children of Ariel Castro are thinking about their parent? Abandoning an IVF sibling, a sister, and using her as leverage with full knowledge of lack of laws for IVF children and families, just to acquire effective sole custody of the IVF brother, what is that? Is that a mother? Is that a loving mother?

10) A mother is someone who gives unconditional love and also teaches the difference between right Vs wrong, truth Vs lies, respect Vs secrecy. By living in secrecy and forcing secrecy on others, other than breaking laws, one is disrespecting the contribution of others. It is NOT about right or wrong, as humans we all make mistakes; it is about being on the right path.

11) A loving mother and father taught their son to respect all, love his spouse dearly through thick and thin, and do the “right” thing. He stayed in an intersex marriage despite being illegal and having been frauded, he became a spouse caregiver of intersex despite 83% males leaving a spouse when diagnosed with a traumatic condition, he had a child through IVF despite immigrant, IVF fathers do not exist as per prevailing laws, he raised his IVF son as a primary care provider due to the spouse’s illness and kept it all a secret as the spouse wanted and what happens in return? An abandoned IVF daughter, split IVF siblings, loss of job, career, reputation, a life created with hard work over 21 years, innocent victims of fertility. It is one thing to abuse a male, a parent, an IVF parent (lack of laws) but to abuse his IVF children is a whole another issue. No parent can stay quiet.

This Mother’s day, let’s pray and hope what all mothers do which is to bless them and more importantly, bless their children and teach compassion. If a mother of an intersex child who may go to any lengths to ensure their infertile child gets a child at any cost, what should an IVF parent do for his IVF child? What we pray for is equal rights for IVF children and families, equal intersex rights because if they existed in 2000s then a person who happens to be intersex, infertile, immigrant would have not felt threatened enough to split IVF siblings but keep them UNITED as intended.

Abandon Ship by Captain, Abandon IVF child by Intended Parent

For centuries there has been an unwritten rule that captains of a ship get rescued last when a ship is in distress. Capt. E. J. Smith of Titanic dutifully didabandon-ship-ivf this. But are there any laws to enforce this? What if a captain of a ship is selfish and decides to abandon ship in a time of distress before all the passengers have been safely rescued? Can you enforce that by laws? Is abandoning ship by a captain before rescuing the passengers “akin to murder” as South Korean president claimed? What about abandoning an IVF child in a foreign country that an adult consented to?

Much like what a captain is to a ship, a woman is to a family. Even IVF laws are written with this in mind leaving little for male IVF parents. She is the soul of the family, the bond that ties, the glue that holds it together, the soul that forgives relentlessly and the soul that takes on more unsaid hardships for the sake of the family. We all know who it is, we all have one in the family, we call her “mother”. Lately in a surprising way, captains of ships in distress have known to abandon ship rather than rescue its passengers. The unwritten rule has been broken, now what? What if the mother decides to abandon an IVF child, what do we do? There is an unwritten rule that IVF parents are engaged in IVF/surrogacy because they want a child and they would NEVER abandon an IVF child, but what IF someone does exactly that – abandon an IVF child, now what? The unwritten rule has been broken, what about the survivors who made it?

When the unthinkable happens, one has to move forward. Like when an IVF father has to live in exile because his IVF child is not welcome to the US. Like when the captain abandons ship then the vice-captain or someone lower in the chain of command takes over and do what they do best and possibly giving up their life while trying to save others. For an IVF child who has been abandoned, the first thing is who pays the surrogate who agreed to do this for a fee or does she not deserve any payment since the intended parent abandoned? Who raises the IVF child and what are their rights? Or does the child go to an orphanage and be lied to all their life and never revealed they were born through IVF only to be abandoned? Do we just shove the issues under the carpet? As in gambling, it comes down to skin in the process. Maybe if you have your womb, or your egg or sperm then maybe you are more obligated to NOT abandon the innocent IVF child. There may even be laws to track you down since you would be the “biological parent”. But if you have no ties to the child, then you can abandon the innocent child with no legal consequences. Does that seem right from the perspective of the abandoned IVF child who is in legal limbo? We as human beings are better than that or are we? Or are we all like the captain of the Italian Ship and the captain of the South Korean ship where we abandon ship and no legal consequences will occur. There are “non-biological” IVF parents who have made big sacrifices showing that it’s not the biology that counts but it’s the intent of an intended IVF parent much like a captain abandoning ship.

A parent-child relationship is based on the connect of the hearts based on truth and not what the laws say. US laws require a genetic link between a US parent and a child born outside the US, is that how we define parentage? Just like the innocent deaths of so many passengers who could have been rescued, the innocence of childhood has been killed from IVF siblings forever. For a captain of the family, the same person can be a spouse, a lover, a parent to their child AND a abuser or abandoner of their child. Which name do you refer with? A captain on a ship is still a captain but if he abandons ship, what name do you refer with? – The South Koreans refer to the abandoning captain by “Evil of Sewol”. The South Korean president likened the abandoning captain to “murder”.

I miss my son terribly, I miss my son missing out on growing up with his sibling terribly. I do have the last words he told me and the pictures of us together and they mean “I love you, Papa”. Let us see if that’s where we pick up from when we are together again or has he been brainwashed and alienated? What he thinks about me is largely up to the person raising him whether to choose to say the truth or lie in their best interest – certainly not the “child’s best interest” which is considered the gold standard by courts which I fail to grasp in an international, immigrant, IVF, intersex family case – whose best interest is kept?

After Five Failed IVF Attempts, An IVF Sibling is Abandoned

It’s a wonderful life, the American dream of an immigrant. Come to the US for education, get a job, work hard, get a home, get a family, have children Failed-IVF-Learningand live happily everafter. Wrong…if you are a proud IVF father like Maulik, these are not your rights and worse, neither are they rights of your innocent IVF children. More than the material comforts, more than an academic education at the highest levels, one thing America teaches is all humans are equal and all have an opportunity to live freely. One should have the courage to say the truth and fight for what’s right. Whether these “ideals” hold true for an immigrant, IVF father part of an intersex family in 2014 or whether he and his innocent, voiceless IVF children will be persecuted remains to be seen. After 5 failed IVF attempts, one cannot ask an IVF father to just abandon his IVF child. She is very much wanted. Maulik can come to America but not without his daughter as was intended.

When someone is a criminal who breaks laws, it is not about their race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, it is about the person having criminal intent. Abandoning an IVF child is wrong today and regardless of any future laws passed, abandoning children will remain criminal and a crime against the humanity of the innocent child. It is one thing to abuse a man for being born a man but to abuse his IVF children is whole another issue. The trauma of an IVF journey unfolds in different ways for every person going through it – fertile or infertile, male or female, donor or surrogate, and yes most importantly the IVF child! For an intended parent to have given consent for an IVF child and not declare the IVF pregnancy in a divorce filing is ignoring their basic rights as a human being and using them as a “tool” in the war on fertility. The innocent, voiceless IVF child is NOT A TOOL. What next, create clones for heart transplants because the patient needs a heart and when the heart is removed from the clone, let the clone die? No, the clone also has human rights because they are born human.

Follow your heart -its the inside that counts, right? In any person’s life, in any person’s married life, the true test comes when one of the spouse is struck with a traumatic situation. Will the other spouse or partner stay in the relationship, offer support to a fellow human being, even become a caregiver if need be? It is not the material benefits like a house, cars, luxury, etc. that make up a life, when a human is in need, the one thing they MOST VALUE is support of a fellow human being. Does being a young, male, spouse caregiver of an intersex patient who just had intersex surgery count?

One of the WORST ways you can hurt a fellow human being is by hurting their innocent, voiceless children. It is not ruining a person financially, legally, or even killing them, when you abuse someone’s children with NO JUSTICE, a person breaks down and is living dead but has to continue living for the sake of their victimized children. Is alienating one IVF sibling from rest of his loving, biological family AND abandoning another IVF sibling in legal limbo count as the worst way to treat a human being in a white collar crime? Would water boarding of an adult which has been called as a torture be better than this because the real victims here are innocent IVF siblings who are being punished for crimes they did not commit.

For any parent, injustice and abuse against their children is intolerable. If parents speak up not using the “R” word for their children or wanting inclusion in school activities for all children or wanting a foot bridge over a bayou for their children on their way to school, is it too much to ask for an IVF parent to have proper LEGAL status for their IVF children? Only if a person has proper legal identity then they have legal rights until then they have no legal rights because they legally do not exist even though they exist physically.

What Does Equal Intersex Rights Mean and Would You Teach Your Child That?

Its 1999. You are Intersex. Legally, you cannot marry. Biologically, you are infertile and cannot have a child. What does one do? Being intersex is a Shared parentingnaturally occurring condition meaning it is not the intersex person’s fault. However due to secrecy, stigma, lack of laws the situation is made worse. If you are a parent of an intersex child, what would you teach your child – to lie or say the truth? If you are a parent of a non-intersex child, what would you teach your child – to respect all or to discriminate? Every murderer is someone’s child, brother or sister, uncle or aunt, father or mother but they are still murderers. A murderer can be straight, gay, lesbian, intersex or different races, different genders – none of it matter, they are first a criminal then everything else. Every criminal who lies and breaks the laws is a criminal. Every criminal who coerces others to lie and break the laws is still a criminal. The question is what do we do as a society with criminals? Because when criminals get away with one crime, they tend to repeat their crimes creating more innocent victims.

As a parent, what will you teach your child about intersex rights? Will you say that all humans are created equal? Will you say that anyone should have the right to marry anyone? Will you say that despite being infertile, if a human has means to adopt or do IVF, they should be allowed to raise and love a child? Will you say that it is the love and character of a parent with a child which is more important than biology or gender of the parent? Most people would agree with this in 2014 despite the laws not in agreement. What do we do when a person who has followed all these tenants but still ends up being abused, victimized, persecuted for raising the voice and saying the truth? Worse, the children of that person are punished for crimes they did not commit.

It is a fact that up till 2000s, an intersex family who is also an immigrant and IVF family do not have rights and have to live in secrecy. In 2014, some things have changed but have a long way to go. More importantly, what protection does the government provide to victims who tried to give human rights to intersex people where laws itself fall short? Victims can be both innocent adults and children. Do they also have their own human rights? Or are they slaves of the lack of laws for intersex rights? And the strategy of secrecy and lies which has been used for decades/centuries in dealing with intersex will now be repeated on innocent immigrant, IVF families and children? How is that a solution of any kind? Are you on the right side of history?

Once the laws have conquered the human rights issues of today – race relations, disability relations, sexual orientation, marriage equality for all, gender relations, there is the NEXT – equal rights for IVF children and families. As victims of a triple whammy (intersex, immigrants, IVF) – what legal recourse do such victims have? When a death row victim who has been incorrectly convicted is exonerated based on DNA evidence, what do they feel like? The state gives them some compensation but can they restore the lost years of human dignity, the missed hugs and kisses of their little children, the missed opportunities to get an education and have a decent shot at a decent life? No amount of money can replace this and it is plane WRONG. One has to wonder what is worse – convicting an innocent human being and then exonerating them or just wrongfully killing them under the pretense of “law”.  The basic assumption why legal systems work is the notion of “fairness”. If the laws are anti-intersex then should people petition to change the laws or should people break the laws? And where is the “fairness” for immigrant, IVF families who are also part of an intersex family and its lack of laws?

With history on our side, regardless of what laws are enacted in future for equal intersex rights, equal IVF children and families rights, SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings due to lack of laws will still remain WRONG – just like wrongfully convicting an innocent human being for death row. Simple DNA evidence can prove the facts in accordance with the laws, why not use it?