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National Fatherless Day – Absentee Parent or an Abused IVF Family?

I love my son very much. I cannot participate in my son’s life because raising his sister he wanted is equally important. Both my son and daughter are ivf-smileborn through IVF and as an IVF parent, I am married to IVF for life because the anti-IVF laws are hurting innocent IVF children and families like mine and so many more. IVF is dealt with secrecy and lies and so not many people speak up when there are issues with it, that does not mean it did not occur. When one parent is living in exile to raise an IVF child while being forced to be separated from his other IVF child, is he an absentee parent or an abused parent? Is the child fatherless or been alienated? More importantly, the two innocent IVF siblings have never met, is that abuse against the children? The innocent children are in legal limbo, is that abuse against the innocent IVF family? This is the Abu Ghraib of IVF, it has occurred due to anti-IVF laws. Speaking the truth is not being unpatriotic nor inhumane. Asking for basic human rights and child rights for IVF children and families is the right way forward. Showing basic human decency to the most vulnerable is the right answer, abandoning them or alienating them from their biological family is not. IVF is the new black, the new gay, the new orange. When will it be time for IVF rights? My lovely children are not fatherless, he has been made fatherless due to lack of laws and secrecy and lies. I have faith that the US will correct the course and fix its IVF laws, in the meantime, what about people who manipulate the IVF laws for personal advantage that places innocent IVF children at risk and in legal limbo? It makes them FATHERLESS knowingly. 

Its not what you say, but its action that counts. Had I not gone for IVF, there would have been no IVF children. Had there been equal laws for IVF children and families than a person could not have taken advantage of it by lying, suppression of facts to SPLIT innocent siblings. There would have been NO case of fait accompli in a heinous act of the perfect child abduction AND the perfect child abandonment. An individual can choose to become a Rosa Parks or Edie Windsor or Ariel Castro or Ann Pettway, that is ACTION, not words. If you are infertile, join us, because if equal laws existed then innocent IVF siblings would not have been SPLIT.

In the ancient Indian culture, there are several references to women having a child “magically”. But none ever abandoned a child to have another child. But none was successful in splitting siblings. Maiyya Yashoda raised two lovely brothers together and despite not being a biological mother is revered even today with heaps of praises for doing the “right thing”. While Kaikeyi, a biological mother, tried to SPLIT his son from his brother and take over the kingdom in her son’s “best interest”. The son neither took the kingdom he was given nor did he get along with his biological mother. So it is NOT about the “genetic link” as US laws demand to define good parenting, it is about LOVE and CHARACTER and time always supports TRUTH.

Dearly Beloved….

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate IVF. We are gathered here to celebrate the goodness in humanity like the compassionate donors and surrogates and the “village” which helps create IVF children and care for them when IVF parents are not around. Had it not been for the compassion of egg donors and surrogates, I would never have had two lovely IVF children. Regardless of how they are born, they are my children and I love them.

Is there  a difference between a sperm donor Vs. father? Is there a difference between an egg donor and mother? Is there a difference between gestational carrier and mother? Is there a difference between no sperm, no egg, no womb and being a parent because of your love towards the child?

The beauty of the US is we can openly discuss and petition our government for change without the fear or threats of being persecuted. Change may take time like abolishment of slavery, women suffrage, civil rights, gay rights, transgender rights, maybe someday IVF rights.

If a woman who uses her own eggs but due to medical reasons, uses a surrogate, is she a mother? As per US laws, yes. If a man uses his sperm but due to medical reasons, his wife can neither provide eggs or womb, is he a father? As per US laws, NO. As per US laws, the innocent child is deemed “born out of wedlock” and thereby stealing all the rights of the innocent IVF child afforded to “children of marriage”. If a woman becomes a “gestational carrier” but uses donor eggs due to medical reasons, is she a mother? Until January 2014, as per US laws, NO. Is this the US we dream of?

As an IVF father forced into exile to raise a daughter rather than abandon her and in the process losing effective custody of his IVF son is nothing short of Abu Ghraib, perhaps worse since innocent children are involved. It is torture. It is not short of an intersex person having to go through a senseless intersex surgery which the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP since it is torture. Was it wrong to help a fellow infertile human being? If the US courts give a decree which is globally enforceable, shouldn’t they consider the global facts of the case at least in the best interest of innocent children?

If the US courts are so concerned about best interest of the child and justice, then if they can consider a person a parent with no genetic link, why don’t US Courts petition the US Government to change the laws to reflect their social activism instead of splitting innocent siblings? Or if a person is a parent  by virtue of giving consent to an IVF child then given the same logic shouldn’t the person be held accountable and responsible when they abandon an IVF child AFTER consenting to it? Do the benefits of IVF go to the infertile parent but the abandonment and its consequences is the responsibility of the left-behind fertile parent? Let us be very clear, the fertile parent wanted to HELP a fellow human being who happens to be infertile and having his innocent IVF children being used as “property” or rendering them in legal limbo IS NOT part of any deal. Children must have rights including IVF children, including innocent children in Thailand who have been victims of US citizens who have been prosecuted an convicted or same for Afghan child victims or Iraq child victims. Then why is there NO JUSTICE for IVF child victims in India from US citizens who have abandoned the innocent child for selfish motives with no responsibility or accountability? Do innocent IVF children in India who have been abandoned have any rights?

I got it wrong – Plain and Simple with IVF

Are we ready to UNITE and not DIVIDE innocent IVF siblings and stop punishing them for crimes they did not commit?  There is a common theme between the story of an intersex spouse and an immigrant IVF father  in 2000s and a recent published memoir, Hard Choices, by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had this to say about her voting for the Iraq warhillary-clinton-iraq-war-ivf in 2002.

1) “I got it wrong. Plain and simple.”

Being a spouse in an intersex marriage is not wrong but it may be illegal, having a child through IVF is not wrong, being an immigrant is not wrong, being a primary care provider for your child as a father is not wrong, helping a fellow human being who happens to lie and break laws is wrong. I got it wrong as an intersex spouse, IVF father, immigrant. Plain and Simple.

2) “As the war dragged on, with every letter I sent to a family in New York who had lost a son or daughter, a father or mother, my mistake (became) more painful,” Clinton adds.

As the fraud marriage dragged on and more truth got revealed, I realized I had been lied to and that is not love under any circumstances. I had followed my heart like my family taught me and that is not wrong. With every day passing in abuse for me and my innocent child, my mistake became more painful not due to intersex, IVF, or being an immigrant but due to lies, secrecy and breaking the laws.

3) “I thought I had acted in good faith and made the best decision I could with the information I had. And I wasn’t alone in getting it wrong. But I still got it wrong. Plain and simple.”

I thought I had acted in good faith in helping a fellow human being who happens to be intersex, infertile and an immigrant. I did not realize the severe lack of laws for our situation. I did not realize that showing compassion and respect where the laws itself falls short was such a heinous crime that my innocent IVF children had to be punished for it. I did the best I could in being a spouse caregiver of intersex, a loving IVF father, a primary care provider for my child in silence and secrecy despite the lack of laws. But I still got it wrong because I trusted a person who lies and breaks laws like a common criminal. Plain and simple.

I never dreamt that my innocent IVF children would be used as human chatal and “property” in the war on fertility. I never dreamt that innocent, voiceless children would be made victims rather than being given equal rights as a human being. I never dreamt that being born IVF would be used as discrimination rather than as celebration.

Lying for the sake of your children should not become the weapon of choice for seasoned liars. What is better? To lie to save a life or to lie to take a life?

Would You Want Forgiveness or Compassion?

Knowing and admitting to one’s weakness is the biggest strength. It takes a lot to admit to the truth.child-alienation-child-abandon-ivf-compassion-forgiveness

We all have skeletons in the closet but what if they happen to be of innocent children whose rights have been violated, is that enough to speak up? They could be IVF children, they could be immigrants, they could be intersex families for whom laws do not exist. Threat of persecution is no reason to remain silent and being on the right side of truth and history is what matters.

A lot of people have said, aren’t forgiveness and compassion the same thing? To most, maybe. But to an immigrant, IVF parent of lovely IVF children, forgiveness and compassion are different. If you were climbing a staircase, where one step was forgiveness and other step was compassion and there is a fire burning below meaning you HAVE to climb, turning around is not an option, which would you choose? When a mother and father have raised their son to respect all, love your spouse and family, show compassion and forgiveness, why should he stay quiet? What is so heinous and criminal that they taught their child that we need to hold secrets or lie about? Don’t show compassion to infertile people, that don’t forgive liars, that don’t keep secrets? If none of these were taught, then two lovely IVF children would have never been born. As for the intersex  person, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP to the surgery. So if torture is heinous, is that the spouse’s fault or is that the medical community who victimized an entire immigrant, IVF, intersex family? If an intersex person is a victim of the medical community, what is it for the spouse and children of an intersex family? The lying must stop and let truth prevail. In the meantime, splitting innocent siblings cannot be the RIGHT answer, its a slap to our humanity as a whole, isn’t it? A parent is not only about being able to provide food, shelter, education for their child but also fight for their child’s rights instead of violating them and a parent has to lead by example the virtues of compassion and forgiveness.

1) If you are frauded into an intersex marriage and find out the truth after marriage and even though laws allow you to get the marriage annulled, you stay, is that forgiveness or compassion? You go on to become a spouse caregiver, is that compassion or forgiveness?

2) Because you are in an intersex marriage, there is infertility. You go for IVF under secrecy and lies because no one should know about the infertility due to stigma. These lies mean breaking laws. Is that out of compassion or forgiveness?

3) When one goes for IVF in an intersex marriage, you need an egg donor and a surrogate. Compassionate women will agree to become egg donor or surrogate, not forgiveness.

4) The IVF clinic who works on the case and is successful in a first of its kind case in India and probably in the world, an IVF child of an intersex, immigrant family. Legally, this family cannot exist because no prevailing laws support it. So is everyone breaking the laws forgiveness or compassion?

5) An IVF father is forced to lie and remain silent and NOT celebrate the birth of his first child and pretend father’s day never happened because of secrecy and lies needed to bring the IVF child to the US, is that forgiveness or compassion?

6) When a person is infertile and is married, is infertility an “I” problem or a “We” problem? When there are lack of laws for IVF children and families, is that an “I” problem or a “We” problem for an IVF family?

7) When there is victimization at the hands of the medical community of intersex people and the families and spouse of intersex people, is the victimization isolated only to the “intersex person” or are the families like spouse, children, parents, siblings also victimized? Is it an “I” problem or a “we” problem?

8) When you have an IVF child born outside the US, all IVF children are subjected to US Immigration laws. What happens when an innocent IVF child is caught up in the complex web where simply laws have not caught up with technology, what do these US parents do – the easy way is to abandon the IVF child they wanted and quite possibly poured their life savings and emotional savings into OR give up their life in the US and live in exile and raise the child they always wanted. What about the rights of the IVF child, an innocent human being? Do they have a say? Is this the best we can do as a society in 2014?

9) It is one thing to have laws which have not caught up with technology, to some extent it may be even inadvertent, but what is it to use these “gaps in laws” for selfish advantage which directly  hurts the welfare of innocent children? Is this a new level of white collar crime in the 21st century? And are laws there to protect the innocent children or place them in legal limbo?

10) If you are an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent, will you want forgiveness or compassion or both? And what does an innocent IVF child who has been abandoned deserve? And what does an innocent IVF child who has been alienated from his sibling that he wanted and biological family deserve? If a parent of an intersex child can ask for compassion and forgiveness, what can an IVF parent ask for his innocent IVF children?

To move forward, why can’t we see some compassion for innocent IVF siblings who have NEVER met and UNITE them? History has shown that united we stand, divided we fall and splitting siblings including the US judicial system will simply not stand the test of time.

Truth on Mother’s Day

This could have been a great mother’s day story and how a “village” helped to make a mother – the difference is truth Vs. lies, the difference is respect Vs.ivf-mothers-day  secrecy. A lovely IVF child was born due to blessings of a lot of good-hearted people. They deserve the thanks and recognition. The year was 2004. The month was June. A lovely IVF child was born after our first successful attempt. We were young, we were naive, we knew hat the failure rates are twice that of success rates for IVF but did not experience it. Plus it was all remote for us and done in high secrecy. The chances of failure far outweighed chances of success and there he was, our lovely IVF son, thanks to the compassion of so many people. If an intersex, infertile, immigrant parent is happy to be a mother of a non-biological IVF child today separated from his sibling and biological family, they should be thanking the GRANDMOTHER of the IVF child who taught her son to show respect for all, compassion and forgiveness. Because if we go by the laws, every law as it pertains to intersex, immigration, IVF has been BROKEN in 2000s, now what? Maulik as a father thanks his mother for all who she is and came to the rescue again at age 68 when an innocent IVF sibling was abandoned. Words cannot describe what a mother is but her actions and what she teaches her children are far more powerful.

So who is the mother? The egg donor as the laws recognize, the surrogate as the laws recognize provided she gives birth on US soil, or the biological father who was the primary care provider for the infant after birth due to the traumatic medical condition of the spouse? Since laws rule our lives, it is important to discuss based on facts and not offend anyone.

1) It was the compassion of the egg donor that gave us our IVF son and recognizing and thanking her is long overdue.

2) It was the compassion of a surrogate who carried the IVF child to term and recognizing and thanking her is long overdue.

3) The biological father stepped in as the “primary care provider” for his IVF son out of love and because the spouse was still recovering from some very traumatic medical surgeries. He did not speak up but that does NOT mean he is NOT the primary care provider. When sickness is extended over a long period of time, it takes a toll on everyone in the family, not just the patient. Add to this the complexity of secrecy, lies, breaking the laws, crimes, lack of laws, and so on makes it only worse.

4) As far as laws go, our IVF son should not exist. So what should we do with him? Is that his fault? Do we punish him into IVF purgatory for life?

5) As far as the laws go, a US parent must have a genetic link to a child born outside the US, so how do infertile Americans bring a child born outside the US legally? Does this force infertile people to lie, cheat, fraud and/or abandon innocent children so that they can have a child at any cost?

6) It was the biological father who first agreed to IVF meaning he does NOT think that infertile people are any less of a parent. He is humble and so kept the “secret”. Secrecy, lies, crimes is what is bad parenting and bad as a human being. What if truth instead of lies were allowed, what if there was respect instead of secrecy, an immigrant couple from the US coming to India to have an IVF child with help of anonymous egg donor and surrogate delivering India’s and probably the world’s first IVF child of an intersex couple. That’s the truth. Should that be celebrated with truth and respect or twisted with secrecy and lies?

7) It may be convenient to lie to others including legal authorities about being a “biological mother” of an IVF child, but does it help the child? Does it help the IVF child out of legal limbo without changing the laws? Is that being a good mother?

8) It may be convenient to hide one’s intersex surgery, one’s intersex status but does that help other intersex, infertile people get equal rights without changing the laws? Does it help the spouse caregiver of intersex who suffered in silence because technically due to fraud medical records the surgery NEVER occurred, however the abuse, the violence is real just like yesterday even after all these years.

9) Apart from being a good parent, is it equally important to to see how a parent treats others kids when it comes to good parenting? What do you think the children of Ariel Castro are thinking about their parent? Abandoning an IVF sibling, a sister, and using her as leverage with full knowledge of lack of laws for IVF children and families, just to acquire effective sole custody of the IVF brother, what is that? Is that a mother? Is that a loving mother?

10) A mother is someone who gives unconditional love and also teaches the difference between right Vs wrong, truth Vs lies, respect Vs secrecy. By living in secrecy and forcing secrecy on others, other than breaking laws, one is disrespecting the contribution of others. It is NOT about right or wrong, as humans we all make mistakes; it is about being on the right path.

11) A loving mother and father taught their son to respect all, love his spouse dearly through thick and thin, and do the “right” thing. He stayed in an intersex marriage despite being illegal and having been frauded, he became a spouse caregiver of intersex despite 83% males leaving a spouse when diagnosed with a traumatic condition, he had a child through IVF despite immigrant, IVF fathers do not exist as per prevailing laws, he raised his IVF son as a primary care provider due to the spouse’s illness and kept it all a secret as the spouse wanted and what happens in return? An abandoned IVF daughter, split IVF siblings, loss of job, career, reputation, a life created with hard work over 21 years, innocent victims of fertility. It is one thing to abuse a male, a parent, an IVF parent (lack of laws) but to abuse his IVF children is a whole another issue. No parent can stay quiet.

This Mother’s day, let’s pray and hope what all mothers do which is to bless them and more importantly, bless their children and teach compassion. If a mother of an intersex child who may go to any lengths to ensure their infertile child gets a child at any cost, what should an IVF parent do for his IVF child? What we pray for is equal rights for IVF children and families, equal intersex rights because if they existed in 2000s then a person who happens to be intersex, infertile, immigrant would have not felt threatened enough to split IVF siblings but keep them UNITED as intended.

IVF – 21st Century Problem

While IVF was invented in the 20th century, its true potential will be felt in the 21st century. While humans live through their emotions, our lives areemotional-abuse run by laws and publicly we are forced to live hypocritically showing no emotions. A human being with no emotions is not a human being, so lets get real. While publicly we are not supposed to talk about “personal” issues, when laws are anti-children, like anti-IVF children, it is every parent’s right to make it personal because the lack of laws have made it personal. The question is – is it a “reactive” step or a “proactive” step – regardless of the intellectual debate, its the result that counts which is innocent, voiceless IVF children need a voice and equal rights in 21st century.

1) As an IVF parent, regardless of your status – all IVF children born abroad are subjected to restrictive immigration laws.

2) US laws require a genetic link between US parent and child born abroad, then how do infertile Americans legally bring a child born outside the US? Are they forced to fraud, lie, cheat? And what if that places innocent children in legal limbo? Not ALL infertile people lie, or cheat or fraud.

3) Laws in most countries are based on “genetic link” between a parent and child meaning the person who gave sperm or egg or gave birth (womb) would be held accountable for the welfare of the child by laws. Why are “non-biological” parents not treated equally?

4) If an intended IVF parent abandons an IVF pregnancy, then only the “biological parent” is held accountable and responsible, why not the “non-biological parent” also? If you want the “gift of the child”, then you should also accept responsibility for the welfare of the child regardless of “genetic link”, right?

5) A person can be a very good parent but that’s not the point. One has to take a hollistic approach. Ms. Ann Pettway was a good parent, and from what is reported, Mr. Ariel Castro was a good parent. But once the truth came out, they were both held accountable for their crimes. Where do you rank a person who abandons one child for another child? Where do you rank a person who abandons a sister for her brother? Where do you rank a person who alienates a brother from a sister that he wanted? Some infertile people, NOT ALL, do bizarre things in the white collar crime world to have a child at any costs, where do you fit in this international, immigrant, IVF conspiracy of the 2000s to have a child at any and all costs?

6) The prevailing laws do not allow an intersex person to marry, an infertile person who is an immigrant to bring a child born outside the US as per laws, and lets say someone consistently lies and breaks the laws, they have helped themselves, have the helped the innocent child? Has his rights been protected or has he been placed in legal limbo? Have they helped other intersex people to be able to marry legally, have they helped other infertile people to legally have an IVF child?

There are laws for domestic violence, domestic abuse, physical abuse. As we fast forward through the information age, mental health is going to become a critical aspect of hollistic care in 21st century. A human being’s health solution will become part of both physical health and mental health. There will be laws against mental abuse, mental violence, mental hardships irrespective of gender, nationality, immigration status, etc. There will be family caregiver rights. As humans, we move forward and using, abusing, and discarding people is NOT moving forward.

Just like the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP to intersex surgeries begun in the 20th century, for the same reason to split up IVF siblings, IVF families on the basis of 20th century archaic laws is also torture and abuse. To people who are still reading this, some may agree and some may not, but then again being an immigrant, intersex, IVF family in 2000s is too early for its time. It will take some time to sink in and understand how the secrecy and lies do not help anyone. And how the lack of laws ruin even the best of intentions. The lack of laws exist because of secrecy and lies. And this cycle has to be broken through education and awareness. In a democracy, any minority  gets equal rights only through support of the unaffected majority. That is civil disobedience as Gandhiji championed and then Dr. King and then Madiba – some parts of the 20th century worth taking with us into the 21st century.

Lessons Learnt from Lack of Laws for Intersex, IVF, Immigration, Invisibility

Before anyone is a male or female, they are first a human being. Before anyone is a human being, if they have children, they are a parent. The point is abe-kind-to-unkind parent is willing to take abuse if it protects their child meaning giving up their own human rights. Too often issues are divided based on male Vs. female, right Vs. wrong, or based on race, or religion or sexual orientation, or rich Vs. poor or whatever is the new divisive flavor of the day. Individuals who are human beings live personal lives. Human beings live their lives as per emotions, however, lives are lived as per laws regardless of how archaic the laws may be. Sometime in the 21st century, there will be equal rights for intersex, immigrants, infertile, IVF. Till then what is it like to live in the 21st century with 20th century laws? Here are top lessons learnt from lack of laws for intersex, IVF, Immigration and Invisibility.

  1. Be kind to unkind people, they need it the most. Do not lie to your spouse especially if it places another human being at risk and victimizes them due to lack of laws. That is unkind. Being intersex, infertile, immigrant or invisible are separate issues. Fundamentally, any loving relationship – marriage or otherwise cannot be built on the foundation of lies – it affects the individual and everyone else around them.
  2. Be ruthlessly selfish – You will get what you want. As a law-abiding person, be very selfish meaning use the laws to your advantage but don’t be ruthless like splitting innocent siblings or abandoning one sibling to have another or alienating a child from his family. You may be able to look yourself in the mirror, you may be able to hoodwink the authorities and break laws relentlessly, but can you look into the innocent eyes of the victimized children?
  3. Male Chauvinistic Pig – Until the laws are changed, in some cases, it may be better to be a male chauvinistic pig in the best interest of your children. Anti-male laws may have good reasoning but when anti-male laws are used against innocent children because their only legal parent is a “male”, maybe it is better to be a male chauvinistic pig instead of showing compassion so at least the innocent children are saved.
  4. Fraud – While laws may not recognize intersex marriages, in time the laws will change to allow intersex marriages. However, fraud will still remain fraud. It is not that intersex marriage is wrong but fraud is wrong. The lack of laws in recognizing an intersex marriage affects and victimizes both spouses equally.
  5. Secrecy and Lies – One can lie and fraud to break the laws but how does it help others and the greater good?
  6. Do the Next – Dealing with infertility and intersex is a double whammy and very traumatic. Add the layer of immigration and invisibility only makes it more complicated and  traumatic. Whose human rights do you uphold? Person who lies and breaks the laws in secrecy OR person who wants to be free from the social and legal discrimination using truth? After living through intersex, IVF, immigration, it is the innocent child who wins – hands down and not a liar who breaks laws and places innocent children at risk and in legal limbo. Can you do the “next” and start living in the 21st century?
  7. Caregiving – Becoming a family caregiver is both a privilege and a balancing act. Doing it in secrecy is foolish. When anyone becomes a family caregiver, it shows they deeply love and care for a fellow human being. It comes with its own stress, issues, and balancing acts. When you are forced to do this in silence and secrecy, is it abuse? The abuse is the “secrecy and silence” part. Every human has the right to express freely including a caregiver.
  8. IVFHood – Its a minority neighborhood. Its a secretive neighborhood. There is lot of support available in 2014 than in 2003. If you gave up your life trying to have a child with someone who the laws do not support like an intersex, infertile, immigrant in the US, then NO ONE CARES if you did. Its a lonely neighborhood. Worse, your IVF children will be punished for being born in an intersex, immigrant family in 2000s as if its their crime. Your fertility used as a currency in the war on fertility against you and your innocent children.
  9. Legal System – It is non-existant when it comes to intersex, immigrant, IVF family in 2000s. Legally, we do not exist. If you confess to the truth, then the legal system has to deal based on prevailing laws and legally an intersex, immigrant, IVF family does not exist. So it is best to make them invisible, pretend they do not exist, suppress facts and split innocent IVF siblings – we are sure it is the BEST solution – more lies!
  10. Workarounds – People who are either naive or stupid offer options like asking the IVF father to adopt his own biological IVF child to “workaround” the limitations in current IVF laws. They fail to recognize how offensive this is. Its kinda like asking a man of color in 1800 that if they don’t like being a slave, why don’t they just change the color of their skin? Slavery was legal in 1800 but the discriminatory laws did not stand the test of time. It would be better for the person of color to fight on the right side of history and NOT change the color of their skin just to “workaround” the prevailing laws. Or maybe telling a woman of the suffrage woman of the early 1900s to just become a man to get equal rights. Similarly for an IVF father in 2014, it is better to stay on the right side of history and get the facts out and ask for their rights and their innocent IVF children’s rights rather than submit to the persecution and threats of a failed judicial system. It will definitely stand the test of time and more importantly, the biggest jury for an abused IVF father are his innocent IVF children – what do they think?

Abandon Ship by Captain, Abandon IVF child by Intended Parent

For centuries there has been an unwritten rule that captains of a ship get rescued last when a ship is in distress. Capt. E. J. Smith of Titanic dutifully didabandon-ship-ivf this. But are there any laws to enforce this? What if a captain of a ship is selfish and decides to abandon ship in a time of distress before all the passengers have been safely rescued? Can you enforce that by laws? Is abandoning ship by a captain before rescuing the passengers “akin to murder” as South Korean president claimed? What about abandoning an IVF child in a foreign country that an adult consented to?

Much like what a captain is to a ship, a woman is to a family. Even IVF laws are written with this in mind leaving little for male IVF parents. She is the soul of the family, the bond that ties, the glue that holds it together, the soul that forgives relentlessly and the soul that takes on more unsaid hardships for the sake of the family. We all know who it is, we all have one in the family, we call her “mother”. Lately in a surprising way, captains of ships in distress have known to abandon ship rather than rescue its passengers. The unwritten rule has been broken, now what? What if the mother decides to abandon an IVF child, what do we do? There is an unwritten rule that IVF parents are engaged in IVF/surrogacy because they want a child and they would NEVER abandon an IVF child, but what IF someone does exactly that – abandon an IVF child, now what? The unwritten rule has been broken, what about the survivors who made it?

When the unthinkable happens, one has to move forward. Like when an IVF father has to live in exile because his IVF child is not welcome to the US. Like when the captain abandons ship then the vice-captain or someone lower in the chain of command takes over and do what they do best and possibly giving up their life while trying to save others. For an IVF child who has been abandoned, the first thing is who pays the surrogate who agreed to do this for a fee or does she not deserve any payment since the intended parent abandoned? Who raises the IVF child and what are their rights? Or does the child go to an orphanage and be lied to all their life and never revealed they were born through IVF only to be abandoned? Do we just shove the issues under the carpet? As in gambling, it comes down to skin in the process. Maybe if you have your womb, or your egg or sperm then maybe you are more obligated to NOT abandon the innocent IVF child. There may even be laws to track you down since you would be the “biological parent”. But if you have no ties to the child, then you can abandon the innocent child with no legal consequences. Does that seem right from the perspective of the abandoned IVF child who is in legal limbo? We as human beings are better than that or are we? Or are we all like the captain of the Italian Ship and the captain of the South Korean ship where we abandon ship and no legal consequences will occur. There are “non-biological” IVF parents who have made big sacrifices showing that it’s not the biology that counts but it’s the intent of an intended IVF parent much like a captain abandoning ship.

A parent-child relationship is based on the connect of the hearts based on truth and not what the laws say. US laws require a genetic link between a US parent and a child born outside the US, is that how we define parentage? Just like the innocent deaths of so many passengers who could have been rescued, the innocence of childhood has been killed from IVF siblings forever. For a captain of the family, the same person can be a spouse, a lover, a parent to their child AND a abuser or abandoner of their child. Which name do you refer with? A captain on a ship is still a captain but if he abandons ship, what name do you refer with? – The South Koreans refer to the abandoning captain by “Evil of Sewol”. The South Korean president likened the abandoning captain to “murder”.

I miss my son terribly, I miss my son missing out on growing up with his sibling terribly. I do have the last words he told me and the pictures of us together and they mean “I love you, Papa”. Let us see if that’s where we pick up from when we are together again or has he been brainwashed and alienated? What he thinks about me is largely up to the person raising him whether to choose to say the truth or lie in their best interest – certainly not the “child’s best interest” which is considered the gold standard by courts which I fail to grasp in an international, immigrant, IVF, intersex family case – whose best interest is kept?

IVF is the new Black, new Gay, new Orange

IVF is the new black and/or gay. If the gay rights struggle of the past several decades is a sign, then IVF fathers have a long way to go. More importantly, IVF children of IVF fathers haveivf-is-the-new-black-gay a long way to go to achieve equal rights. If it were 1794 and it was suggested to a person that if they don’t like being a slave, they should change the color of their skin. Instead of changing the color of the skin,  it is better to be on the right side of history and change the laws. It is the same for innocent IVF children and families in 2014 and before. Instead of “accomodating” to the anti-IVF laws of today, let us get on the right side of history and get equal rights for IVF children and families. Mr. Rubin “Hurricane” Carter and may his soul rest in peace who fought racism for freedom and justice is a hero and a guiding light in the fight for IVF rights for freedom and justice. Just like gays, being ostracized, covering feelings, having to live with secrets, lies, being ridiculed for speaking up, loss of dignity, split from IVF children like a gay father would be, persecuted if asking for rights, so on and etc. In some countries in the world, you are hanged if you proclaim you are gay. If you are an IVF parent in the US, you may have to live in exile because your IVF child is not welcome to the US. The worst feeling as a parent is your status whether straight, gay, single, gender or otherwise is used against your innocent IVF children – for this any parent would speak up. If a woman has children through IVF, would her innocent IVF children be SPLIT because of her gender, infertility, immigration status, etc OR would the innocent, voiceless IVF children be united and be allowed to grow up together as intended? All we need is to look into the eyes of our innocent abandoned IVF daughter and our abducted IVF son who can’t see his sister despite his wishes and we know it is the right fight. The war on fertility creates innocent victims and kids are humans with their own human rights.

It is traumatic enough to go through an IVF journey, each one is unique in its own way regardless whether you are a man or woman. To go through two such IVF journeys in secrecy and lies eventually SPLITTING the innocent IVF siblings is worse than a nightmare. It is an IVF holocaust. There are people in this world who believe that the holocaust never happened but that would be hateful and denying the facts. Worse it gives no closure to victims and continues to further victimize the innocent victims more and their families. Most people are not affected by IVF, even the ones who are not fully well aware of the risks and the lack of laws for IVF, that does not mean the IVF holocaust did not occur. Ignorance is one thing but once you have been notified of the facts including victimization of innocent children, we have to take action as a civilized society including equal rights for IVF children and families. Waterboarding the rights of innocent IVF children by suppressing the facts and drowning them out is still torture for IVF families.

It is one thing to be a silent victim of violence, abuse, fraud, financial loss, emotional torture, legal nightmares, lack of justice but the result of silence to have been used to SPLIT innocent IVF siblings is far too traumatic and unjust. If gay fathers can tell their children about them being gay then why can’t IVF fathers tell their IVF child about IVF? Why should a court ban an IVF father from telling his IVF son the truth – is the court afraid of the truth? The fact is we are in an intersex marriage. If intersex people have specific concerns with current lack of laws, what concerns do intersex marriages have? The fact is there is an intersex marriage, there is an IVF child as a result. If the laws and courts are not equipped to deal with such human rights issues, is the best solution to suppress the facts, SPLIT the innocent IVF siblings and persecute the IVF father? What is so terrible in sharing with your children that one must respect all, once married, show love to the person by caring even if it breaks the laws? However, abandoning innocent children is a crime today and will remain a crime forever. Intersex marriages will become legal in future, intersex immigration will become legal future, equal rights for IVF children and families will become a reality in the future but even then abandoning IVF children will continue to remain a crime.

Disrespecting the basic human dignity and respect of IVF children is a cause to speak up. If the IVF siblings had not been deliberately SPLIT up, abuse under silence may have continued. Today speaking up as an IVF parent, one gets ridiculed, ostracized. Speaking up for equal rights for intersex, same treatment. What part of the discrimination against intersex, immigrant, IVF haven’t we endured? Much like gay rights, the struggle is long but is the right struggle because NO child or parent ever should be split due to discriminatory laws or lack of laws.

Effects of Secrecy and Lies

There are long ranging effects of secrecy and lies especially ones that breaks the laws. Gandhiji was proud to call himself as the “God’s Eunuch for the nation” and it is fitting that 67 years after independence that Gandhiji fought for, the Indian Supreme Court has given rights to Eunuchs. It is good to see the progress for the third gender when Indian secrecy-lies-closet-ivfSupreme Court recognized the rights of the “third gender”. This proves two things – 1) Third gender exists and its not a myth and its just a matter of time before others also follow like the US, UK, etc. (2) The rights of third gender did not exist before now and when will there be rights for spouse and innocent children of a third gender marriage who are equally affected by the lack of laws. What about the rights of a spouse and innocent children of a third gender marriage? Is the lack of laws adversely affecting the individual who third gender and also the spouse and children of a third gender marriage? What if a spouse and children have given the human rights to a third gender person which the court has only done now, do the spouse and children also have human rights and who protects them? An individual can be a great parent while they may be the worst criminal – two roles, same individual. Ariel Castro, the infamous father who apparently was a great parent but had abducted and tortured innocent girls including some knew his own children. No one could believe that Ariel Castro was the same person as depicted in the news or as facts started pouring out. A life of secrecy and lies is very troubling for anyone. It is one thing to abuse an adult but to abuse an innocent child leaving them in legal limbo is whole another issue and the truth has to come out to get justice for innocent children. If a mother stays silent through the abuse, is the best solution to split her children because she failed to report the abuse? Is that creating more victims and punishing the innocent? At the end of the day, parent-child relationship is a matter of heart between two individuals and not what the law or court thinks. US laws do not recognize parents of IVF children who do not have a genetic link as parents, does that mean its true?

If one has lied about their marriage, then how can they ask for justice when they wake up?  If one has lied about their child having been born naturally when in fact it is through IVF, how can one ask for justice when they wake up? If one has stayed silent about their second IVF child and when that child gets abandoned, how can one ask for rights of the innocent abandoned child? If one has stayed silent through the abuse, criminal acts, breaking the laws, then how can one expect justice when they wake up? If a rape victim or a sexual abuse victim reports the facts after years of trauma and abuse, does that mean it didn’t occur even if statute of limitations may have passed? The effects of secrecy and lying are long-term and they stay with the victim forever. No amount of apologies even from a Pope may be enough. Acceptance of facts is the FIRST thing because first there was the crime which followed by years of denial and persecution of victims. Victims of white collar crime like victims of Bernie Madoff or other fraud victims or victims of sexual abuse from clergy are same as victims of an international, intersex, immigrant, IVF fraud. There is no objection to intersex or immigrant or IVF, it happens that this triple whammy has no laws and when someone frauds innocent IVF siblings of growing up together, the facts have to be stated for two main reasons – 1) Change the laws so other immigrant, or IVF, or intersex families don’t have to use secrecy and lies and victimize innocents. (2) Two innocent IVF siblings deserve better than being punished in legal limbo for crimes they did not commit.

Lying about an intersex marriage as an heterosexual marriage is ignoring the facts, especially when intersex marriages are illegal but heterosexual marriages are not. An illegal marriage affects both spouses – intersex spouse and the non-intersex spouse.  Further, other intersex people still cannot legally marry if they want to be honest. A life of dishonesty leads to other issues including adversely creating innocent victims out of others.

Calling an intersex surgery as “removal of ovaries” is ignoring the facts, especially when other intersex people have to move court to get the same surgery done while if one lies, they get away with it including the insurance fraud since insurance does not cover such surgeries.

If one were honest about an intersex surgery, it would have allowed to know that it is torture and very traumatic and as per the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture, it should be stopped. However, it requires one to be honest first. There is no doubt it is torturous being a first-hand witness as a spouse caregiver of intersex, what is it for the spouse and child of an intersex marriage recovering from intersex surgery in silence?

Infertile people in the US cannot legally bring a child born outside the US without a “genetic link”, so they may “marry fraudulently with a fertile person” or steal a child or kidnap a child or abandon one IVF child in a foreign land while abducting their IVF Sibling in another country. Isn’t it better to ask for equal rights instead? Why victimize and punish innocent children? Why be an Ariel Castro?

A life of lies cannot be lived forever. A life of white collar crimes cannot be lived forever. A life of alienating innocent siblings cannot be lived forever. It is time for change but with honesty. Giving human rights to others in the privacy of your own four walls is not advisable especially when intersex people lack basic human rights like marriage rights, fertility rights, immigration rights, etc. Instead we continue our struggle to give the same human rights to all but do it so publicly because that’s how our society works.  Don’t try this at home, kids! seriously or the biggest victims will be your innocent, voiceless kids.

After Five Failed IVF Attempts, An IVF Sibling is Abandoned

It’s a wonderful life, the American dream of an immigrant. Come to the US for education, get a job, work hard, get a home, get a family, have children Failed-IVF-Learningand live happily everafter. Wrong…if you are a proud IVF father like Maulik, these are not your rights and worse, neither are they rights of your innocent IVF children. More than the material comforts, more than an academic education at the highest levels, one thing America teaches is all humans are equal and all have an opportunity to live freely. One should have the courage to say the truth and fight for what’s right. Whether these “ideals” hold true for an immigrant, IVF father part of an intersex family in 2014 or whether he and his innocent, voiceless IVF children will be persecuted remains to be seen. After 5 failed IVF attempts, one cannot ask an IVF father to just abandon his IVF child. She is very much wanted. Maulik can come to America but not without his daughter as was intended.

When someone is a criminal who breaks laws, it is not about their race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, it is about the person having criminal intent. Abandoning an IVF child is wrong today and regardless of any future laws passed, abandoning children will remain criminal and a crime against the humanity of the innocent child. It is one thing to abuse a man for being born a man but to abuse his IVF children is whole another issue. The trauma of an IVF journey unfolds in different ways for every person going through it – fertile or infertile, male or female, donor or surrogate, and yes most importantly the IVF child! For an intended parent to have given consent for an IVF child and not declare the IVF pregnancy in a divorce filing is ignoring their basic rights as a human being and using them as a “tool” in the war on fertility. The innocent, voiceless IVF child is NOT A TOOL. What next, create clones for heart transplants because the patient needs a heart and when the heart is removed from the clone, let the clone die? No, the clone also has human rights because they are born human.

Follow your heart -its the inside that counts, right? In any person’s life, in any person’s married life, the true test comes when one of the spouse is struck with a traumatic situation. Will the other spouse or partner stay in the relationship, offer support to a fellow human being, even become a caregiver if need be? It is not the material benefits like a house, cars, luxury, etc. that make up a life, when a human is in need, the one thing they MOST VALUE is support of a fellow human being. Does being a young, male, spouse caregiver of an intersex patient who just had intersex surgery count?

One of the WORST ways you can hurt a fellow human being is by hurting their innocent, voiceless children. It is not ruining a person financially, legally, or even killing them, when you abuse someone’s children with NO JUSTICE, a person breaks down and is living dead but has to continue living for the sake of their victimized children. Is alienating one IVF sibling from rest of his loving, biological family AND abandoning another IVF sibling in legal limbo count as the worst way to treat a human being in a white collar crime? Would water boarding of an adult which has been called as a torture be better than this because the real victims here are innocent IVF siblings who are being punished for crimes they did not commit.

For any parent, injustice and abuse against their children is intolerable. If parents speak up not using the “R” word for their children or wanting inclusion in school activities for all children or wanting a foot bridge over a bayou for their children on their way to school, is it too much to ask for an IVF parent to have proper LEGAL status for their IVF children? Only if a person has proper legal identity then they have legal rights until then they have no legal rights because they legally do not exist even though they exist physically.