It is one thing to have anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-intersex laws but to use them to split innocent IVF brother and sister and place them in legal limbo is a heinous crime against the children. As a parent, an adult would go through anything for a child including abuse but to have the same abuse repeated on your children, will you stand by quietly or will you speak up for their rights? Every human being deserves a child but the reproductive rights and laws are discriminatory, is that an individual’s issue or the government? Every child deserves equal rights including IVF children but the laws are discriminatory, is that an IVF parent’s issue or the government’s issue to resolve? As a binational immigrant, intersex, IVF family – is that our issue or the lack of laws issues is for the governments? As a young, male, spouse caregiver of Eunuch and being a binational, immigrant IVF father, is it wrong to deal with trauma after trauma after trauma after trauma (domino effects) in dealing with the issues (lack of laws) of a Eunuch family? We start our journey in India because that’s where it all began – marriage to an Eunuch, IVF children born in India to Eunuch marriage and the lies of a Eunuch resulting in making everyone else in the family effectively living neither here nor there. Thanks to the love and support of the family that we are still alive and have an opportunity to speak the truth. We seek inspiration from people like Rosa Parks, Susan Anthony, Edie Windsor, Tony Briffa, Jaclyn Schultz (Miss Michigan 2013), Nina Davuluri (Miss America 2013) who have the strength and courage to speak the truth and allow people to accept who they are and not use a continuing web of secrecy and lies which violates rights of other people. If an Eunuch deserves compassion, does an innocent IVF child deserve compassion?
India has long recognized Eunuchs legally, the third gender. Other countries like Nepal, Australia, New Zealand and several other Asian countries do so also. Germany, the first “western” country started offering the third gender. Non-conforming to the binary gender provides an opportunity for people to be HONEST and not be forced to lie whether they are male or female. This provides an opportunity to address real concerns of an Eunuch family – like being able to have children legally.
- We have the first IVF child born in a Eunuch family in India and quite possibly the world – instead of celebrating, we are living in secrecy and lies.
- We have the first IVF sibling in a Eunuch family – instead of celebrating and providing the love of a sibling to an IVF brother, we are living in secrecy and lies.
- Given the prevailing laws, could an Eunuch have gained custody of an international IVF child without violating any laws? Could this have been achieved without abandoning another IVF sibling and denying them the due process? Is it a crime against humanity from the child’s perspective? Did the donor and surrogate agree to share their humanity only for the IVF child to be abandoned and to be given up to an orphanage?
- When an IVF journey results in a successful IVF child, it is a time to celebrate and announce the birth of a child and not a time to be forced into secrecy and lies to convenience someone so that they can break the laws.
- By not stating the facts that a child is IVF, we are disrespecting the best of humanity – compassionate women like the donors and surrogates. We are also teaching innocent children to lie for personal benefit. Secrecy, lies, fraud is not a world a parent wants for their child. Instead we should be celebrating the donors and surrogates and the selfless humanity they have exhibited resulting in two wonderful IVF children for this family.
- If only mothers are allowed to be parents, how do we explain gay parents and single fathers who equally love their children? If we can celebrate gay parenting and single fatherhood, why can’t we celebrate IVF fatherhood based on merits and facts?
- It is one thing to lie to the court about the facts to gain custody of a child by an infertile person but does that change the facts? The DNA tests will still fail, the truth will be exposed and the lies will not stand the test of time and placing innocent children at risk of legal limbo.
- An unemotional male as stereotyped cannot go through something like this. We can agree that different lobbies will try to malign, defame, falsely accuse, etc a binational, immigrant IVF father AND a young, male, spouse care giver of Eunuch for their political and social agendas. However, it would be impossible for an unemotional, inhumane person to actually live through this and survive to talk about it. It is about the IVF children and their rights to equality – a wish of any parent for their child to have a better world than theirs.
- Mothers deserve all the love and praise, they sacrifice a lot for their child, they are at every beck and call of the child, for this they have to be physically available, mentally be available, emotionally be available. A person who is in depression and severe trauma on medications and under medical treatment is not a candidate for this. Instead of lying about the facts, we should be saying the truth so that NO other child has to undergo the abuse again. For the record, we did stay silent and above all took care of the innocent child as a primary care provider during these times, however we were punished for our silence and societal stereotypes were used to split the innocent child from his family and his primary care provider.
- Medical conditions are nothing new, it is about how we handle them. We look to Angelina Jolie and Amy Robach for inspiration on dealing with life changing medical events with truth, strength and love of family and friends. Due to their celebrity and public persona they can help if only one person. What good would it do by living in secrecy and lies? Why miss a learning opportunity due to secrecy and lies? Hiding the trauma and abuse of a recovering Eunuch patient may place future innocent children and spouses at risk. The right answer is to accept the facts, wait for Eunuchs to stabilize as they undergo medical treatment and then have a child. We look forward to a world when we can discuss the issues of Eunuch surgery and its effects same as breast cancer without any secrecy, stigma and arrive at real solutions. Secrecy and lies are not the way to handle any traumatic situations.
- Eunuchs cannot legally marry, Eunuchs cannot legally immigrate with children, Eunuchs cannot legally immigrate based on marriage. Instead of celebrating someone who has managed to achieve all this apparently without breaking any laws, we are forced into secrecy and lies. How will this help other Eunuchs and their families or are they also forced to lie and break the laws?
- There are lots of positives to be learned from a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND a binational immigrant IVF father – instead we have to force him into secrecy and lies and defamation and false allegations. Why can’t we celebrate the values of “till death do us apart”? Instead of celebrating the fact that a person was presented with the fact he was married to an Eunuch, the spouse did not leave, went through an unprecedented Eunuch surgery, the spouse did not leave, infertility exists in an Eunuch marriage, the spouse did not leave, the male spouse became the primary care provider for his son due to the ongoing medical treatment and resulting physical and mental unavailability of the other spouse, both agreed to a second IVF child only to abandon the IVF child when born, the spouse, the biological parent did not leave the second IVF child. It is very traumatic for the Eunuch but is the trauma any less for the spouse. Thanks to the love and support of the family, miraculously the spouse is alive. Which one of the values that he exhibited are unworthy of sharing with children? Is it wrong to show love and compassion? Is it wrong to help another human being? Is it wrong to expect truth? Is it wrong to expect basic human decency and respect for your children if not equal?
The right answer is to change the laws. As you read this today or read it a 100 hundred years from now – the young, male spouse caregiver of Eunuch and a binational, immigrant IVF father had his heart in the right place and always had the bigger picture in mind – every human counts. What cannot count is the secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, torture which are human-made. An IVF father, a parent only wishes to tell his children that do not break anyone’s heart even though someone breaks your heart. I will teach you strength and courage to help yourself and ALSO help the person who broke your heart – the same thing my parents taught me. Equal rights for IVF children and families, equal caregiver rights are themes relevant today and will remain relevant till equal rights are granted – whether today or a 100 years from now.