Tag Archives: lies

Machiavellian Fertility Wars – What is the Best Interest of the Child?

Fertility Wars – Not too long ago, in a world very close, fertility wars had erupted because sometimes people want a child at any and all costs. But FertilityWarsthe force is Strong in the “little girl” Medhavi born via IVF/Surrogacy left stateless in “IVF prison” from the fertility wars is growing up happily. We are thankful and with help of the STATE, she is able to be united with her brother despite the First Order, after all there is love and compassion in our civilized world where truth has a chance. But not for long. As the Force awakens, time will tell if the innocence and love of a little sister will overcome the dark side of Machiavellian fertility wars? Will this #BrownGirl, “Princess Leia” be united with her brother “Luke Skywalker” split at birth? Stay tuned. It is inevitable the siblings will meet either now or as adults, why barricade them from building a bond and memories? Let us unite them expeditiously and “begin to make things right”. Taking the “high road” has turned disastrous for innocent children and that changes everything where truth is the only way out.

Basic Human Dignity And Respect of a Child

Nowadays they say a girl can be anything, can she be a “little sister” as intended? These are the questions coming out of the fertility wars and for a parent, a child is a child and for siblings, a sibling is sibling, regardless of how laws see them. Do children born via IVF/Surrogacy count equally? These are the real innocent victims of fertility wars and as a parent both are equal and perhaps someday the rest of the world will also see them at least as human beings if NOT equal. No one is spared in fertility wars, not even an innocent child. My lovely daughter was conceived after several failed IVF attempts. Then she was NOT declared as a “child” when divorce was filed in the US. Then the other consenting side NEVER came to India at her birth to fulfill the legal obligations to “legalize” the IVF/Surrogacy child rendering her stateless and “deleting her legal existence”. No phone call, no card, no baby clothes, no nothing, as if a little human being DOES NOT EXIST. Up until then, there were regular visits and inquiries for the same child, so why the sudden “disregard and disdain” for the same innocent child, was it pre-planned? First and foremost, they are a HUMAN BEING, then a child, then a daughter, then a little sister. Regardless of whatever the justifications that an individual or anyone supporting such justifications, as a loving parent, please do NOT tell me that a child DOES NOT COUNT. She counts and the UNHCR agrees as they have the “I, Belong” campaign to eradicate childhood statelessness regardless of how the child came about. The heinousness has to be stopped not just against a daughter but any child like her because its wrong. As an IVF/Surrogacy parent, we already have enough trauma dealing with infertility emotionally, financially, legally and to have a child be “unrecognized” and “dehumanized” when born after several failed IVF attempts puts into question what does our civilized world stand for? Time will tell if “savingagirlchild” was the right decision or should it cost me my other child and a sibling and cost us our hard-earned American DREAM lost in the fertility wars? I came to the US at 17 with $500 bucks and was forced to leave everything of over 21 years to save my immigrant IVF/Surrogacy born daughter in India for wanting to help infertility in the US. I have no regrets as my daughter is far more valuable and I would have done the same for my son. The question is have I lived with American values of family first, equality, respect for all even if laws fall short? I was 37, my most formidable years as an earning professional and achieve my American DREAM and implicitly my innocent child’s AMERICAN DREAM, our dreams lost due to the fertility wars. Where is the tolerance and respect for our diversity as IVF/Surrogacy family? I like to have fun as much as the next guy but do NOT question my love as a parent without understanding the facts because only thing more powerful than lies, demonization, vilification, fear-mongering, threats, intimidation, abuse is TRUTH. When I see the world from the perspective of my lovely daughter, an abandoned child and deliberately made stateless with no help from perpetrators despite multiple requests as if she does not exist, it is hard to understand what exactly do big words in our civilized world that empower us normally like “savegirlchild”, “joyofbirthofsibling”, “womanpower” mean? Instead I see a repeat of a failed strategy of “baby scoop era” being employed to justify taking away a child from a loving, biological family AND a brother from a sister and somehow everything is “fair” in fertility wars including an innocent child abandoned and made stateless. Other words like “childhood statelessness”, “lies”, “demonization”, “vilification”, “fear-mongering”, “separation” take over and do not allow hugs and kisses or build any memories between siblings and a loving family. Fighting for her rights has taught me a lot, especially the ugly underbelly of fertility wars where somehow its ok to rob from Peter to pay Paul and hurt innocent children. It’s not OK because she is first a human being and deserves human decency and respect.

Recently in India, Ms. Asha Devi spoke out about her innocent daughter who was raped ruthlessly in 2012 and announced her real name as Jyoti Singh declaring why should they be ashamed, it’s the perpetrators who carried out this heinous crime should be held accountable and responsible for their actions. She is absolutely right, why should my innocent daughter, Medhavi, deliberately made a refugee as a stateless child be silent as an abandoned child with no help from the US parent who put her in an “IVF prison” ruthlessly and heinously. In 1915, it may have been OK to silence a rape victim for “family honor” and worse plead with the rapist to marry the victim to both “shield family honor” and the notion how can a single woman who is a rape victim survive? In 2015, no one would dare suggest this but yet somehow its OK to suggest that a parent who abandoned an IVF/Surrogacy child, knowingly made them stateless and never provided any help despite repeated requests should be allowed to “connect” with the stateless child victim? It’s NOT OK. It would be revictimizing the victim for the same reasons a rapist does not “connect” with a rape victim. And the ignorance which existed in dealing with rape victims in 1915 is the same ignorance in dealing with international IVF/Surrogacy victims. There is a right way and a wrong way and abandoning an innocent child, making them stateless and extending no help is NOT the right way. In an increasingly globalized world, we are a better civilized world than that and a child is a child equally valuable to their loving parent regardless of their nationality and birth type. The only thing more traumatic than the dehumanization of an innocent child, separating from a child and the emotional, financial, legal torture and trauma is being re-traumatized and revictimized by the same perpetrators in the “name of law”.

Bullying one’s way to Parenthood

One cannot bully their way into parenthood and where was the “parent” when an innocent #BrownGirl needed their US parent to complete her legalization as an IVF/Surrogacy child born in India with consent from a US parent? After several failed IVF attempts, why would a “parent” leave a child and more importantly what are the rights of the child when this happens? Do they count as human at least? Much like the “same-sex” marriage debate, while “laws” defined “marriage” between two people based on “gender”, rest of humanity believed “marriage” is about “love” between two people. In the meantime, some same-sex partners had to lie about their love in fear of persecution and ridicule like some folks claiming to be able to medically “reverse” being gay. The same bigotry still exists in different ways where the “laws” and “societal stereotypes” today discriminate against love of a parent and child based on “gender”, “birth type”, “nationality” while rest of the humanity believes “parent-child” is about “love”. Meanwhile in 2015 for us loving parents, IVF/Surrogacy children are just children like any other child and perhaps someday the rest of the world will also see them at least as human beings if not equal. For rest of the world, Medhavi, may be a “stateless” and left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child and perhaps does not count despite the UN Refugee agency running a campaign to end childhood statelessness. She is my lovely daughter and I love her just as much as any other child. More than that, I like to talk about my daughter not out of arrogance but she is also my savior from a repeated cycle of secrecy, lies, abuse, torture, trauma, medical negligence, lack of laws from which I could NOT get out. She is what is “good” in this world like the love and compassion of donors and surrogates, family, friends and strangers who gather “like a village” to help raise a left-behind child, she is what happens when good people surround us with their humanity. She IS the future we hope to build.

Does Loving a Child based on gender, genetic link or just love?

Emotionally and legally there is a difference between adoption and IVF/Surrogacy. In adoption which is regulated, the genetic parent for whatever circumstances without passing judgment did give up the child. In IVF/Surrogacy which is unregulated, the fertile spouse shows compassion and wants to share a child with the infertile or dysfertile spouse AND very much WANTS the CHILD. It is one thing to have laws not caught up with technology like IVF/Surrogacy as cited in the US Department of State June 2011 report, it is completely another to use the gaps in the laws against an innocent child, they are still someone’s child just like the victims of Ariel Castro were also someone’s innocent children. This is against our American values and we do not approve this message. We must work together with the same compassion that the larger IVF/Surrogacy ecosystem including donors and surrogates represent in an ethical, moral and legal way which respects rights of ALL especially the innocent children. The gaps in the laws is setting up a dangerous and heinous situation of a medico-legal disability where innocent children are used against each other in the latest tools in fertility wars. The dark clouds of Machiavellian fertility politics take over sacrificing everything, not even sparing an innocent little sister, an equal human being in her own right. For those who doubt, walk a step in the shoes of an IVF/Surrogacy parent where the laws require ALL responsibilities of a “mother” from the genetic parent but NO rights that of a “mother”, traditionally the “primary care provider” which implicitly hurts innocent children with denial of rights. With changing times, if the intent is “best interest of the child”, the system needs to update itself when a divorce is filed to ask the question to both spouses, “Are you responsible for any child or any ongoing pregnancies?” instead of “Are you pregnant?” This is NOT to say the system is ignorant but rather to say that some malicious minded people are manipulating the system and in the process hurting innocent children and denying them rights. And regardless of nationality or birth type, ALL children are equal. It is one thing to discriminate against an IVF/Surrogacy parent due to their “genetic link” to the child OR their “citizenship status” or their “gender” but it also implicitly discriminates against an innocent child AND innocent siblings who are separated at birth.

Real World Vs. Bizarre World of Lies

My child is still a child and as a left-behind parent, the US government provides milk and diapers for the child and NOT the parent. I want the milk and diapers with interest for my left-behind American child. The point is to recognize her as a human being instead of dehumanizing her and children like her. In America, we respect our differently abled and provide ramps, where is the “ramp” for IVF/Surrogacy children like mine for their medico-legal disability and for building a family differently? Abu Ghraib was a terrible tragedy by a few bad apples and it does NOT reflect rest of Americans and our values but it still did occur and right answer is to acknowledge facts, hold the few bad apples responsible and accountable and move forward. The plight of stateless children born via international IVF/Surrogacy is real provided truth is allowed. In the real world, the Canadian couple did NOT abandon the IVF/Surrogacy child and did NOT split the siblings. The US-Israeli mother did NOT abandon the children and did NOT split the siblings. Instead in both cases they fought against the system for years to get a legal identity for their innocent IVF/Surrogacy children while keeping the siblings together. It is a real problem with real consequences because in the real world countries like Thailand, Nepal, India, Mexico have banned IVF/Surrogacy for foreigners due to few bad apples. The UN has launched a campaign to eradicate childhood statelessness. Others in the real world are confronting the issue and addressing the consequences in best interest of the child. But in the US, how come fling divorce in the US creates a stateless IVF/Surrogacy child in India? Do they have rights as a human? A person can lie, suppress facts and legally “delete” an innocent child from “legal existence” denying their rights and live freely in the US while the innocent child is stateless and stuck in “IVF prison” in India and separated from sibling, how is that fair to the child? If my child and others like her are “human”, the democratic governments need to prove it with action and not simply compassionate words OR they should live the life of a stateless child to understand the dehumanization they face so they can take action as responsible democratic governments that works for ALL equally. In democracy, “numbers matter” and for any parent, the child IS their world. Ask this of any billions of parents around the world. Whether its a poor mom, a single mom, a parent of a Down’s syndrome or Autism child, an IVF/Surrogacy parent of a stateless child – we all want the same thing – respect for our innocent child. But somehow respecting a child depends on who is asking and not based on the needs of the child.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As the song goes, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”. Turns out “RESPECT” is a common theme for generations for fighting various social issues. Be it the slaves, Susan Anthony, Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa respect-in-ivfParks, Madiba, Dr. King, Edie Windsor, and so on. Gautam Buddha had said that desire is the cause of suffering. Is a child a need or a want (desire)? Is having a child a right or privilege? Can we RESPECT the rights of a child? Is IVF/Surrogacy to help only infertility/dysfertility of adults OR does the IVF/Surrogacy child have rights? Infertility is very traumatic, laws are lacking when it comes to helping people without a “genetic link” with a child, so the best way is to circumvent these laws and lie, cheat, fraud and SPLIT innocent, voiceless IVF/Surrogacy siblings? Their innocence should not be ignored, rather protected. Their voicelessness should not be a cause for denial of rights, rather ensure equal rights. We want RESPECT and EQUAL rights for innocent, international IVF/Surrogacy children. If a US Citizen father can be united with his son after years, why can’t another son be united with his father and siblings? Is lack of laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families a disability which deserves attention?

Where is the RESPECT?

  1. We gave more respect to an intersex person than what the laws give. We gave more respect to an intersex patient than what medical professionals give. We gave more respect to an intersex immigrant than what the laws give. We gave more respect to an infertile person than laws give. We gave more respect to an infertile, intersex, immigrant than what laws give and more than what their own family gave. Where is the respect for an IVF family including innocent children? Abandoning and splitting our innocent IVF siblings is the best answer?
  2. If infertility is a disease, can the cure be to split innocent IVF/Surrogacy siblings? Where is the respect for the rights of the children?
  3. Is IVF/Surrogacy a disability due to lack of laws and the wild west approach? We need a ramp in terms of laws and allow us basic human decency and respect. 
  4. When two children are born exactly the same way through international IVF/Surrogacy, one is lied about to circumvent the lack of laws while the same limitations in the laws are cleverly manipulated and used against the other IVF/Surrogacy sibling to abandon them while leaving them in legal limbo and thus splitting the innocent siblings. Where is the respect for children and their rights?
  5. While the one child who is lied about gets to the US circumventing the laws, the other is land-locked in India due to the same lack of laws. The laws need to be applied consistently, either allow both in the US or allow both in India and the result is the innocent, voiceless siblings are UNITED. The intent was to have children and raise them lovingly together, SPLITTING them was never a goal. Inconsistency in application of the laws is discrimination. Where is the respect?
  6. Is the message then that if an infertile person lies, cheats, breaks laws, they deserve compassion and crimes will be overlooked? Where is the compassion for an innocent, voiceless IVF/Surrogacy child who is abandoned and SPLIT from their sibling? We must respect women, can we start with respecting the rights of an innocent, abandoned IVF/surrogacy girl child?
  7. If a non-genetic person gets custody of an IVF/Surrogacy child they should also be held equally responsible and accountable for an IVF/Surrogacy child they consented to in the best interest of the child, surrogate and the left-behind parent. Having a “check and balance” system both provides justice to innocent and serves as a deterrent to prevent crime in the first place.
  8. When an IVF/Surrogacy child is abandoned, one ALSO abandons the compassionate egg donor and surrogate. Would they have agreed to help if they were told the resulting child would be abandoned? Who protects their rights and respect them?
  9. When an infertile person pretends to have given birth to a child which biologically they cannot, are they disrespecting the truth and the compassionate contributions of the donor and surrogate AND are they disrespecting other IVF parents who have to suffer due to lack of laws and for being truthful (like waiting years to get their IVF/Surrogacy child a legal identity)? Is this the kind of respect to teach the IVF/Surrogacy child? And how do these lies help change the laws so that others don’t have to lie and split siblings in order to have a child at any and all costs?
  10. When an intersex person pretends to have given birth to a child which biologically they cannot, are they disrespecting the trauma and abuse of the spouse AND other intersex people who continue to suffer due to lack of laws and them wanting to live truthfully? While all may not understand this, but an intersex person understands that lies are the worst culprits as they have been subjected to it for decades. Why continue a “different” set of lies onto innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and expect different results? And how do these lies help change the laws so that other intersex people don’t have to lie to have children by splitting them?
  11. One can understand the desire to have a child at any and all costs but should it be a trade of “child for a child” and splitting innocent siblings? Where is the respect in that?
  12. An intersex, immigrant, IVF parent survived despite the extreme trauma, where is the respect in his contributions and those that of his family specifically in raising the IVF/Surrogacy infants under extreme trauma and stress?
  13. While people and LAWS are still debating on “equal rights” for intersex, IVF/Surrogacy children and families, we have already been there and done that, now what about rights of our innocent IVF/Surrogacy children who are deliberately SPLIT? Where is their RESPECT?
  14. Right answer will never be splitting siblings or breaking laws, right answer is petitioning for updation in laws for intersex, IVF, immigrant children and families so that people don’t feel threatened by laws to actually conspire to willfully abandon and split IVF siblings.
  15. Children have rights too, yeah? Even if they are voiceless, yeah? By stating facts, we are stopping the lies and abuse while also respecting the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings for who they are. RESPECT, give some, get some.

No one is claiming intersex or infertile or IVF/Surrogacy parents or children are wrong despite what the laws claim. It is the LIES which are wrong. Especially lies which circumvents laws and risks innocent lives of others. Like everything else, there are always a few bad apples and a few bad apples should NOT ruin it for others. However, we need to build a system of checks and balance so that the innocent are protected and victims rights are ensured from the few bad apples. Criminals lie to hide facts. How do we deal with criminals and the lies? Reward or punishment? Innocent children are neither criminals nor did they lie. How do we deal with them? SPLIT them or UNITE them? R-E-S-P-E-C-T in 2015?

Wish I were Gay for my IVF Children’s Sake As Dictated by Laws

There are stories about how gay parents are coping in the 21st century – fighting for “maternity” leave as the primary care provider OR to have equal parental rights OR Nazi Intersex IVF Historyallowed to tell the truth to their child OR so many other battles they have to fight just to be allowed to LOVE their child FREELY. Is the same true for an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children? An IVF father who is not gay is on “maternal leave” for 5 years and counting because he did not want to abandon his child.

There is NOT a day that goes by when one does not DREAM of an innocent IVF brother walking through the front door to hug his primary care provider, his father, and his siblings not because the rights of an intersex, immigrant, IVF father matter BUT because an innocent, IVF child has rights too and its his DREAM too. Are innocent IVF siblings, innocent IVF fathers allowed to have DREAMS OR are they reserved only for infertile, immigrants who must have a child at any and all costs including abandoning an innocent child? The issue is not about intersex, infertility, IVF, the issue is do innocent siblings deserve to grow up together and do the voiceless have rights? As the recent story about Mr. Lanza shows that “wishful thinking” is not the answer but dealing with facts and respect for laws is the right answer.  The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun”, it can also be false records, fraud, lies, breaking the laws with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims.

While people are still debating whether being gay is right or wrong, gay parents having and raising children is right or wrong, at least their issues are on the radar and are getting solutions, especially from the legal perspective. An intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children are LOST and written off. An intersex, IVF father may NOT be gay but from a legal perspective is treated as a “GAY man”.  In a gay relationship, who is the “mother”? More importantly, who does the child have an infinite, loving BOND with – the primary care provider or the “mother” or “father”?The child goes to the person whose love they can feel due to the qualitative time they spend together and NOT because the person is “mother” or “father”, “gay” or “straight”, or whatever other “social discrimination”. Wish I were gay then at least the issues we are facing about parental rights, IVF rights, immigrant rights of same-sex folks, dysfertility rights would be discussed in the OPEN rather than SUPPRESSED under the carpet, ironically enough as gay rights have been dealt with for several decades.

The only thing WORSE than denying justice to a person – black or white, gay or straight, man or woman, adult or child, or [insert] whatever other “social discrimination” here is to DISRESPECT their issues which is DENYING rights. Just like some people believe the Holocaust never happened, how can you even discuss with them the horrific and traumatic events that occurred during the Holocaust because as per them “it never happened”?

The reasons why it is important to discuss Abu Ghraib is the same reasons why it is important to discuss an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children. It is not “anti-national”, it is to first give justice to innocent victims and second to learn and ensure it is never repeated. Having two split innocent IVF siblings on two different continents in legal limbo is nothing short of our “Abu Ghraib” because it has been done willfully and is a crime against their humanity even though they may be young and voiceless. It is very traumatic for an intersex person in 2000s but at least they have support if they are honest, what about spouse and children of an intersex marriage who are forced into silence and abused and traumatized? Appeasement even by parents and professionals/experts as the Adam Lanza case shows is NOT the answer, confronting facts and discussing them openly will lead to a better solution for all including innocent children. Lying on medical records which denies rights of others and abuses others is a crime. Ignoring the blatant facts is wrong. Breaking laws is wrong. Intersex people have struggled for decades if not centuries to get recognized and have equal rights, how long will it be before spouse and IVF children of intersex marriage are provided appropriate support?

If the US recovers its citizens who go to foreign countries and may “break the laws” there like trying to do good in North Korea. What help and support does the US provide its citizens who try to help infertile people where laws itself fall short? Who protects their rights and should they be “recovered” and be united as a family?

Separating biological families even under a “legal guise” is not new, ask anyone who knows about the “baby scoop era”. Decades later, there are apologies from the government, “truth and reconciliation” commissions.

The laws have already spoken, an intersex spouse should have reported the crime and NOT shown compassion, the fertile spouse should NOT have accepted the fraud documents from an infertile family and NOT shown compassion, he should have also NOT shown compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person just like he laws dictate. But why are we (and the laws) punishing innocent IVF siblings for crimes they did not commit? Showing compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person is NOT wrong but supporting a LIAR and CRIMINAL is wrong. In fact it is so wrong that one has two innocent IVF siblings SPLIT willfully on two continents in legal limbo and with no justice.

Change is Refreshing – IVF rights

Whether be it spouse caregiver or being an immigrant or being an IVF father or being all of the above – change is required for all. If one does not havechange-refreshing-ivf  the intent to “become the change you want to see in this world”, no person can constantly go through such life-changing events. There is positive change and there is negative change. Positive is sharing and caring while negative is secrecy and lying. What will not ebb is the constant flow of the river of change. Despite seeing all the trauma in life, when one sees the abuse repeated on their innocent children, life stops and makes you wonder, is it time to speak up finally?

There are parents of children with mental disabilities or physical disabilities or victims of bullying or victims of abuse or children with Down’s Syndrome or victims of lies. As a parent, do you abandon the innocent child or do you stand up for what’s right? I am an IVF parent and while IVF may not be a disability, the lack of laws for IVF children and families sure makes it feel like so. The result is the same – unequal rights for innocent children and families. And it is much better to fight for equal rights for all IVF children and families instead of lying about it including breaking laws.  Thats what an IVF father who is also an immigrant and part of an intersex family is doing for his IVF children – standing up finally after years of abuse in secrecy.

It is obvious that an intersex, immigrant, international IVF family should not exist legally in the 2000s. Unless some laws were broken, this would not be possible. Even in 2014, it is taboo to talk about an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. But truth always finds a way and time always supports the truth. People can choose to be secretive and lie about the facts for personal benefits OR speak up and fight for the truth for themselves and others to come. After all, what is so WRONG about helping a fellow human being who is intersex, infertile and an immigrant for whom laws itself fall short? Why should one continue to lie while other intersex or infertile or immigrant children and families are suffering due to lack of laws?

A murderer is also a man or woman, someone’s son or daughter, father or mother, brother or sister BUT still a murderer. They are right here amongst us.  Just like that an intended IVF parent is also someone’s daughter or son, sister or brother, mother or father BUT may also be an IVF criminal. By fighting for the truth, we hope to address the rights of the IVF children, what are the rights of the IVF child when born during a divorce? Are IVF children a “commodity” OR are they real human beings with equal protection as children? What happens when laws fall short and people take advantage and break the laws?

With cases like “baby Gammy” or “baby Medhavi” becoming a common occurrence, it is time to speak up, especially the people who are affected by these lack of laws. One can appreciate that the IVF community is a minority and there may not be many takers but if you are a parent, you would care because you care about any child as a loving parent. If you are a law-abiding human being, you would care because humanity is our cornerstone and when people break laws for personal benefit while placing innocent children as shields, there has to be consequences.

It is very traumatic to live as an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. But it is far more traumatic to knowingly split innocent IVF siblings and place them in legal limbo. Sadly love and compassion do not matter but laws do as our lives are ruled by laws. By UNITING the innocent IVF siblings we send two messages that laws matter AND so restores faith in humanity where compassion matters. Are we ready to do the right thing in 2014 or do we have to wait a century for equal rights for IVF children and families and give them justice?

Love and Compassion Cannot Conquer Secrecy and Lies

Love and Compassion are cornerstones in being human, whether its a relationship between lovers or siblings or parent-child or friends or neighbours or states or countries. When our humanity is at stake, everything we have built around it questions our very ethos of humanity especially when the victims are innocent children. Rather than having a ethical OR moral OR legal obligation to respect a fellow human being, the true question is can love and compassion conquer secrecy and lies?

If you are an adult woman who happens to be infertile, do you get compassion and sympathy from the society if not the laws? But if you are an IVF girl child (a future woman), do you get the same compassion and sympathy from the society if not the laws?Equal IVF Child Rights Tshirt

If you are a victim of female infanticide, clerly you cannot talk. But what if you are an abandoned IVF girl child, do you have any rights as a human being and as a child?

Take the journey of how convoluted our society is in paying lip service when it comes to human rights and child rights of innocent IVF children and families. It is not about who you know, it is about how you are born is where the discrimination begins. As a society, legally, if not socially, we have conquered discrimination based on race, color, creed, gender, sexual orientation but when it comes to IVF children and families, we have some ways to go. Is IVF the new black, the new gay and the new orange?

IVF is a wonderful medical technology to help infertile or dysfertile people. As everyone knows, it takes three things to make a child scientificaly, sperm, egg and womb. But it takes love and compassion to raise a child. Not just as a parent but as a good human being. Secrecy and lies are NOT in the best interest of any child despite what the “experts” claim. Besides, where is the expert to deal with multiple complexities of intersex, IVF, immigration families?

Some IVF families are honest about their traumatic IVF journey. Some IVF families cherish the IVF children including siblings who are allowed to grow up together as a gift of the father. And some people abuse innocents through IVF and placing innocent lives at risk and in legal limbo. If the laws do not allow for biological father’s name on a birth certificate of an IVF child, shouldn’t one fight for their rights with honesty rather than placing innocent children’s lives at risk? How does the law treat non-biological, intersex parent when it comes to placing their name on an IVF child birth certificate? Adding the complexity that when the IVF child is born outside the US, that IVF child is considered as “child born out of wedlock” meaning is there a marriage or not?

There must be a silver lining to the IVF tragedy and travesty. If non-biological parents deserve equal rights, then government should have laws “in sync” with that philosophy rather than imposing that by SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings. And if non-biological parents have equal rights in raising an IVF child through love and compassion, should they also be held equally accountable and responsible in the welfare of an IVF child if either intended IVF parent abandons the IVF child? Why do we have double standards? Does the innocent child care who abused them? The innocent child cares about love, compassion and justice to get their legal rights.

Rather than pontificate on having equal rights for non-biological parents, one should have laws to reflect that also. And how do you justify actions on one side where a non-biological parent has “equal” rights to a child while on the other side abandoning another non-biological child? Do the innocent children as individuals have any rights or are they human chatal? Do the innocent biological siblings have any rights or do they deserve to be punished for crimes they did not commit? Does the innocent “biological parent” deserve to be punished based on the fact they are “fertile”, OR “immigrant” OR “male” OR any other justifiable discrimination in 2009? The question is NOT whether it is discrimination and abuse, the question is whether the “justifications” of 2009 will stand the test of time? Just like slavery, women suffrage, colonialism, apartheid, civil rights, gay rights, “orange rights”, IVF rights is coming and then these false justifications will be exposed for what they are. Stop pontificating and start caring about real human beings – the innocent children. Love and compassion will conquer the mountain of secrecy and lies because that its power, because thats what makes us human. Let the tsunami of love, compassion and truth be unleashed to wash away the mountains of secrecy, lies, crimes for the sake of innocent IVF children.

Eunuchs Bless People To Have A Child…

In India and several other countries, Eunuchs have been a celebrity. In today’s world, Eunuchs bless people to have a child since they cannot. Its the Human Rightsphilosophy of good karma…do good to others even if nature was not as nice. Regardless, an Eunuch is infertile and sadly cannot have a child. So instead of blessing you with a child, what if you bless an Eunuch with a child? There are also not so many nice things that happen to Eunuchs today in a post-British India. Eunuchs were a somewhat of a celebrity and were part of a powerful inner circle in a pre-British India.

Today, Eunuchs have minimal human rights. They cannot legally marry. They cannot legally adopt or have a child any other way since they are infertile. What does an Eunuch do to have a child at any and all costs? And how did the plights of Eunuchs get this way? India traditionally has been a collection of princely kingdoms or monarchies. “Heir” is very important and having a child is very important. The knowledge to run societies acquired over years, decades, centuries, millenia in India, it is believed that a person may be the most righteous and loyal except when it comes to his/her children. Then even the strongest become frail. Since Eunuchs are infertile, kings and queens see loyalty in them as they have no children to be disloyal/corrupt for. For decades, centuries, Eunuchs were the de facto loyal and royal servant in the king and queen private chamber. The king also felt comfortable in having a Eunuch as a companion for his wife, the queen so that there are no chances of cheating. Some families who were very poor with no ray of hope forcibly castrated one of their sons and turned him into an Eunuch just so that he could get a job in the royal palace and thereby uplifting the economic status of their family. With access to the royal chambers and some of the most private moments of kings or queens, Eunuch commanded a lot of power by having the ruler’s ear. Then how did this group of people who were living in the best of places get shunted to being homeless? They went from being everywhere in power to no basic human rights?

Today, Eunuchs in India will Bless people so that they are blessed with a child. What if you try to share a child to an Eunuch, does the child have human rights, does the fertile spouse who shares a child have rights? Secrecy, lies, fraud don’t help anyone, not an individual nor a government. The pre-British Indian way of handling Eunuchs was far better. Its natural, they exist, they cannot bear a child, you live happily anyway. More importantly, you do not pass laws to make their existence illegal or ostracize them, you include them in your economy and allow them to live honestly. Perhaps innocent lives can be saved too that way? Parents of Eunuchs have to lie today Vs. parents back then forcibly castrated their sons to make them an Eunuch. Innocent siblings are split today Vs Eunuchs formed a sisterhood or brotherhood and at least felt the love of a fellow human being that way closer to them.

Whatever we say about India, Eunuchs exist, they have an identity, they are recognized as the third gender which is being truthful and society has carved out a special role for them to play. Allowing a person to live honestly and truthfully is the single biggest human right. The weight of secrecy, lies, fraud eventually catches up.

When the British came to India and started passing laws, they brought with them British laws. In 1860, the British passed a law in India which made it illegal to have “unnatural sex” which banned gays, lesbians, and Eunuchs from having sex. The respect and recognition given to Eunuchs for years, decades, centuries, millenia in the pre-British Indian culture had been taken away and forced a British version. This part of the law is known as Section 377 in the Indian constitution and in 2014 the Indian Supreme Court upheld it saying changing laws is job of the Parliament. That does not mean they agree or disagree with Section 377. However lot of people made a lot of hype about how backward this was without knowing that it was the British who gave this law to India. Indians have always been welcoming of the truth and integrating people of all walks into the fabric of society. Wonder what a Britisher had to say about the ruling of Section 377  in 2014?

If Section 377 was not enough, in 1871, the British introduced another law, the Criminal Tribes Act where a person of certain tribes in India had to submit to local police surveillance with no warrant, search and seizure with no warrant, etc. In 1897, the act was amended with the title itself, “An Act for the Registration of Criminal Tribes and Eunuchs”. Here if you were an Eunuch, you had to register yourself to the police. The title of the Act itself is offensive and discriminatory in 2014 but in 1897 it was not. Using a combination of these two acts, Section 377 from 1861 and the Criminal Tribes Act of 1897, the Eunuchs were systematically ostracized and forced to live farther away from the community at large at the outskirts or outside a city. Perhaps this is where the current state of Eunuchs in India can best be understood. Compared to the pre-British era, eunuchs in India in 2014 have very few human rights. They largely make a living by singing, dancing, begging, some are sadly sex workers. Overall their economic status is very bad – a far cry from from the royal palaces just a few centuries ago.

One way Street – Cannibalizing Human Rights

In a recent policy decision, the US DOJ announced equal benefits for same-sex spouses and extending benefits provided the marriage occurred in a state international-human-rightswhere the marriage was done legally. This is good news for human rights and a welcome message for the 21st century. The question is are human rights a one-way street? Can someone achieve human rights by cannibalizing the rights of others? What if someone who habitually lies, frauds and other criminal acts including violence and abuse of innocent children? Just like murderers and criminals can be of any race, religion, caste, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, they are first a criminal; someone who breaks laws.

The policy decision in 2014 proves that these rights were not extended before. Does that mean if someone lied, cheated and frauded someone before 2014 broke the laws? Is intersex marriage a same-sex marriage or heterosexual marriage? More importantly, is it legal marriage and were laws followed where performed? Was there deliberate and intentional fraud and violation of laws? If intersex people are women then why do they have a legally recognized “third gender”? Let there be no doubt, there should be equal rights for intersex people but do spouses and IVF children of an illegal intersex marriage have rights? Do they exist legally or are their human rights being cannibalized? Are there false allegations and a thousand lies to hide a lie? Do intersex spouses have rights to the special medical needs of an intersex spouse or are they mere sacrificial lambs and guinea pigs? In the best interest of an intersex marriage and equal rights of the spouse and children of an illegal intersex marriage, should a medical professional lie on a medical record or say the truth?

If a child was born during the illegal intersex marriage, does the innocent child deserve basic human rights, dignity and respect?

Since now same-sex spouse rights exist, will it also include rights to domestic abuse and violence? Does this mean if a spouse in an illegal intersex marriage is a victim of domestic violence and abuse can now report it and be afforded equal rights? Or are there only one- way rights for the intersex person?

If a spouse in an illegal intersex marriage afforded rights to an intersex person where laws itself fall short, what are the safeguards and protections afforded for their human rights? Since the laws did not exist, does that mean the abuse and laws did not occur? Are human rights a one-way street or does every human being deserve equal rights?

Follow Science in Best Interest of Child

Intersex is an umbrella term for certain medical conditions and some consider themselves male, some female and some want a “third gender”. A personscience-intersex-ivf has every right to feel what they do as long as it is not abusing and/or hurting anyone else.

A spouse of intersex has experienced the very same events as the intersex person and if there is trauma for intersex person, is there any trauma for spouse who experienced the same event with secrecy, lies, misinformation?

The beauty of following science is it relies on facts – something both the medical and legal worlds are based on. While experiencing the intersex surgery and the after-effects of the same and the medical mistreatment, common sense tells you it’s wrong and unnecessary. But how dare a non-medical youngster challenge a triple MD and a decades old malpractice? Finally in 2013, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture proved the gut feeling by calling for a STOP to such intersex surgeries. Maybe innocent IVF children can have an opportunity to grow up together had this come a decade ago.

A medical record is the language of communication between doctors and should always be based on science and facts. If a doctor does intersex surgery and claims “removal of ovaries” when in fact it was “removal of testes”, it sets of an inadvertent chain reaction. First you just taught the patient and family to lie and the system will institutionally support the lies. Next when the patient goes to fertility specialist to have a child, the medical decision is based on erroneous facts. Next when the patient goes to a lactation consultant to breastfeed an infant, the subject matter expert gives medical advise based on erroneous facts. Next when the patient goes to a pediatrician to breastfeed an infant, the doctor gives medical advise again based on erroneous facts and placing an innocent child, her patient, at risk and is abused. More importantly, the infant gets no milk and is abused despite access to best subject matter experts.

There is no issue in intersex people feeling male or female or third gender. But instead of forcing that philosophy on innocent children in silence, first get the medical literature changed and also get the laws changed to allow legal marriage, immigration and fertility rights for infertile people. Why abuse innocent children for all this? Intersex is rare. Caster Semenaya was given an Olympic medal first in the women category, then rescinded, then reinstated as a woman. This affects her physically. The message affects several other intersex people globally. However is it different when  medical decisions are taken similarly that affects both the patient AND others physically including innocent children? Do others have rights too? Or do they deserve to be abused simply because they were forced into silence?

Follow the Science :
1) Not all intersex people have the surgery done. Of those intersex people who have surgery done, most have it performed either as a child or in puberty. Very trace amounts are done after 21. Almost none are done during a relationship or marriage. Is there a scientific study to understand the effects of intersex surgery during marriage?

2) Intersex people who are genetically male may be able to breastfeed. Adoptive mothers who are genetically female have been able to breastfeed. However, not all have had success with lactation due to different reasons. Biological mothers who also take hormones to breastfeed are not always successful. It’s traumatic but a scientific fact. Is it an apples and apples comparison from a scientific standpoint? Is there a scientific study on breastfeeding by intersex genetic males or are we using innocent infants as guinea pigs and abusing them? Would you give your infant for this study?

3) An intersex person who has the surgery done needs to go on hormonal therapy and take estrogens. Lactation comes from a separate hormone, prolactin. Is there a scientific study on the effects of taking both hormones simultaneously? Are they competing? More importantly, if the medical records are fraud and subject matter experts are also frauded as a result, is the innocent infant at risk? Is the child being abused and forced to breastfeed and incessantly cry when there is NO milk?

People who want to live honestly and follow the laws have a problem including honest intersex people. Like asking the court to allow male to female surgery or have it covered by insurance. Liars, criminals who break laws do not have this problem. For them secrecy, lies, cheating, fraud worked and the system helped and they didn’t get abused, others are being abused including innocent children, where is the problem?

Who Needs Siblings?

Two Siblings, Two Continents, Never Met – Why? Siblings are good because… Siblings Forever

  1. They help you realize it’s important to hug, kiss and share. Like sharing a child with an infertile person.
  2. They teach you the first lesson in forgiveness and forget – one minute you are at each other’s throat, the next minute you are playing together like the two happiest people in the world. Like when as an adult you find out your spouse cheated you and broke the laws but you move on.
  3. They teach you the first lesson in teamwork. For example when immigration laws are against IVF children and families, it is important to work as a team to get your rights as individuals from the government.
  4. They teach you compassion and love for a fellow human being. Parents give unconditional love to every child ideally, emotions coming from a sibling are special. Like for example, if your spouse is sick and needs care but wants secret, you don’t leave your spouse instead you respect their feelings out of love and compassion and you serve as a silent caregiver despite the abuse unto you.
  5. Older siblings get their first lesson of responsibility and care when helping and watching their parents care for little babies. Something an innocent child is missing because of secrecy and lies.
  6. They give a sense of a family. After all kids like playing with other kids and not adults all the time. It is upto the parents how to nurture the sibling bond into adulthood. Siblings can have different bonds. A traditional bond between blood sisters or brother-sister or brothers. Then there are “special bonds” between twins or triplets, then there are special bonds of a blended family, then there are special bonds between siblings who are adopted into a family, then there are special bonds between siblings who are born through IVF. It is more about thinking from the perspective of the child than anyone else. Why deny this opportunity of siblings?
  7. There is the sibling rivalry – whether it is nurtured into love or hate depends on how parents treat the siblings. Spiteful, Prejudiced, taking sides, selfish parents may not nurture a healthy relationship between siblings and the innocent siblings end up hating each other. They maybe enacting acts out of selfishness without realizing it is hurting a healthy relationship between siblings.
  8. Siblings have your back no matter what.
  9. If you are an Immigrant, international IVF parent and are unable to be present for your IVF child’s birth, your sibling will rush by the side of your new born IVF baby. You can’t pay someone to do that – thats family.
  10. If you are an immigrant, international IVF parent and your IVF child is abandoned but you cannot be there, your sibling will drop everything in their life, their work, their kids school just to be by the side of your new born IVF child AND fight against the abusive IVF clinic for the rights of the child – thats family.
  11. Siblings can help you create fraud documentation claiming you as a biological parent even though medically one is infertile – thats family.
  12. Siblings can help you lie and steal and keep your secrets – thats family.
  13. Siblings can help you break laws and keep your secrets – thats family.
  14. Either way whether they rescue your child or rescue you with lies and breaking the laws, it seems like siblings are the ones who rescue you when in need because there are very few other people we can confide in as adults.
  15. Then why deny an existing sibling to an innocent child – a sibling he wanted? Why deny an opportunity to make a sibling bond? Is this selfless love of a parent or selfish love? 

It is one thing to divorce but to split up innocent siblings AND place them in legal limbo deliberately takes ABUSE to a whole another level. It is traumatic to be infertile but that does not mean one can go around spreading lies, breaking laws, abusing people, abusing innocent children, violating basic human rights and child rights of innocent children. It is true that infertile immigrants don’t have fertility rights, so stand up and fight for rights rather than abusing others and living as a criminal. Its a far better lesson to teach an innocent child than any “love”. Even when unmarried gay couples split, both parents get practical co-parenting with the innocent children and siblings are NOT split. But if you are an immigrant, intersex IVF family in the 2000s, it is such a terrible crime that not only the child is separated from his biological family but also from his siblings and dehumanized due to lack of legal identity – the price of criminality, secrecy, lies and breaking laws. Even after 60 years, siblings UNITE from North and South Korea showing the love for each other and how governments CANNOT SPLIT siblings.

Siblings outlast marriages, siblings outlast divorces, siblings outlast lies IF they are given an opportunity.

Neither Here, Nor There

Most people may not understand this statement at first, some may claim it as offensive because it does not fit their purpose, and some may get the gist third-culture-kids-IVFthe article is attempting to make. Living a life in adversity and discrimination takes its toll. Surviving and coming out of it and living to tell the truth is a blessing in itself. The primary purpose to share the truth is to help the NEXT in social justice. Secrecy and stigma are the real culprits which creates both ignorance and lack of awareness and the continued lack of laws which victimizes innocents including children. Throughout history of humankind, social justice issues at first are not welcomed with open arms, faced stiff opposition, needless victims, state derived persecution, defamation, false criminal charges, secrecy, lies, conspiracies, etc. only to finally succumb to eventuality of TRUTH. And that’s where the journey of IVF children and families is today in 2014 – ugly truth that no one wants to address. Needless child victims are created held in purgatory of legal limbo and along with them are their IVF parents who may have suffered and struggled for years in silence before being blessed with an IVF child. Is the state of inaction a message to instead abandon IVF children instead of fighting for their basic human rights if not equal rights? The extended purgatory in legal limbo places innocent IVF children and families “neither here, nor there“.

For those who question the legitimacy of an immigrant Eunuch having legal custody of an immigrant IVF child in the US in 2009 – here is a simple question – Could this have been accomplished without abandoning an IVF child – a sibling in India and thus leaving no legal defense or chance to present the facts for the biological IVF parent to get due process? More importantly, can another immigrant Eunuch repeat this based on prevailing laws? The right answer is to pass laws. Even more importantly, has due process and justice been served to the innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister? Can we “de-couple” the lack of rights of the immigrant IVF father from the “rights of IVF children”? The abuse suffered by the spouse and the innocent IVF child and the crimes to break the laws went unreported the first time, why should it be unreported again?

For those who question the love of the biological parent – a father of his IVF children can go through the site and understand that it is lack of basic human respect and dignity of his IVF children which is the center here. A parent’s love comes in various ways but to have a parent’s gender used as a tool to discriminate against children is dispeccable. It is one thing to have anti-gay laws, anti-IVF laws, anti-intersex laws but to actually use them to split innocent brother and sister is heinous. Just like being a spouse caregiver of an Eunuch and then again an immigrant IVF parent showed patience and resilience, that is the correct path – a path to become the change one wants to see in this world. Don’t judge before comprehending or listening. We have all they sympathy for Eunuchs, where is the sympathy for Eunuch families – spouses and children? Or are they LESS of a human being…? There is a learning and a teaching opportunity and an opportunity to allow the love of siblings to grow and prosper – which one we take? A parent’s love is endless (who happens to be a father) and it is the love for the children which is why he managed to stay alive – the abuse, the torture, the secrecy, the lies would have killed a person a long time ago.

It is difficult to make sense of what to feel worse about – a decade of secrecy, lies, crimes, abuse, torture OR one’s gender being used to discriminate against innocent children? If the love of a father is somehow less than that of a mother who neither gave birth nor has any biological connection to the child, how does one explain the love of a single father, the love of gay fathers or love of a father who is both caring for a spouse and a child? If you are a parent, you would want the best for your child regardless and that’s what this is about – no more secrecy, no more lies, no more crimes, just the truth.

IVF Children and Family – Neither Here, Nor There

An Indian citizen IVF brother wants to come to India but is disallowed his wish, neither here nor there.

A US citizen IVF father is living in India because his IVF daughter – the sibling his IVF son wanted cannot travel outside India – neither here, nor there.

International Adoption laws allow for subsidiarity where biological siblings are allowed to grow up together, immigration laws require a “biological link” between children and parent, but land of no laws exists for IVF brother and sister forced to grow up separately – neither here, nor there.

“Neither here, nor there” has been used before. In India and several other Asian countries, the “third gender” or legally defined as Eunuch has existed for a long time. Western countries are waking up to the “natural reality” and also passing similar laws recognizing the “third gender” and moving away from “binary gender” legal definitions like Australia, New Zealand, and Germany. It is ironic that western media reports that Germany is the “first country in the world in 2013” to recognize the third gender legally. Are the rest of 4 billion people living outside North America and Europe not part of the “world”? More importantly, it is this ignorance and lack of awareness which creates the “neither here, nor there” syndrome universally for everyone in the world who legally defines them as Eunuch. Being a Eunuch in itself is traumatic but also is accompanied by other real-life situations like infertility. And if laws require a “biological link” for immigration of IVF children, how will Eunuchs ever get legal custody of children? Similarly, the lack of awareness and ignorance about IVF and the real life situations it creates for IVF children and families is placing IVF children in legal limbo (even if inadvertently) in a case of “neither here, nor there“.

Secrecy and Stigma are the biggest culprits for Neither Here, Nor There

For an immigrant, Eunuch, IVF family in 2000s, the lack of laws, lack of human rights, lack of basic human decency and respect is DOUBLED – once as a Eunuch family forced to live in secrecy and lies and second as an IVF family again forced to live in secrecy and lies and ultimately punishing the most innocent of the innocent – the innocent, voiceless IVF children in legal limbo. It is tiring to live “neither here, nor there”. People who are Eunuchs are born this way naturally, others are made this way – living neither here, nor there. Is a spouse of Eunuch having the effects of neither here, nor there? Are children of an Eunuch marriage having the effects of neither here, nor there? The important point here is the need for laws so every human being can have an equal right to live freely. Some are born Eunuchs, some are living the effects of Eunuchs, how?

  • A Eunuch may be living in secrecy and lies with stigma. When a spouse marries an Eunuch, are they also forced to live in secrecy and stigma knowingly or unknowingly? What are the effects of living in secrecy and lies on any human being? The loss of freedom is disrecpectful to any human being regardless of being a Eunuch or not.
  • A Eunuch may need surgery to identify themselves better. What if the surgery is performed during the marriage without proper support or information? It is traumatic for an Eunuch to have to undergo this, what is it like to go through this as a spouse of an Eunuch with no support and in silence? Did the experience occur or should the spouse continue to lie and live in secrecy like Eunuchs have and how will this exactly help anyone?
  • A Eunuch is infertile. A spouse of a Eunuch does not leave the marriage, has children through IVF, continues the lies and secrecy while raising the IVF child, the laws are broken because Eunuchs have lived in secrecy and lies. Infertility is very traumatic, the roller coaster ride experiences are unique to each person going through it, do these experiences affect ONLY the infertile person or does it affect BOTH spouses in an infertile marriage? Should the fertile spouse have left the Eunuch marriage instead?
  • IVF is a great medical technology that affords infertile or dysfertile people with children. Sadly, the laws have not caught up with technology placing some IVF children in legal limbo. Now the innocent, voiceless IVF children of an Eunuch marriage also have to be subjected to the legal limbo of neither here, nor there.

Being a spouse caregiver of Eunuch and an immigrant IVF parent in 2000s is not friendly, nor legal. But it has happened, now what? Do we continue the adversity, punish the innocent IVF siblings of an Eunuch marriage gone bad, continue to live in secrecy and lies or say the truth in hopes of NOT repeating the cycles of secrecy and lies?