Tag Archives: LGBTI

Parent of IVF Nation

Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, Nelson Mandela are some of the biggest humanitarian pioneers and inspirations of the 20th century. Both Dr. King and gandhi-king-mandibaMandiba have admitted Gandhiji as their mentor in principle. They all taught us a singular message that when it comes to human rights – its a long war but in the end truth always prevails. Their personal family lives suffer but they are “Father of the Nation”. While Dr. King may not have been awarded this title, he certainly changed the moral compass of an entire nation and USA being one of the most powerful nations in the world, he also ended changing the moral compass of the world just like Gandhiji and Mandiba.

  • Gandhiji – Right to Freedom
  • Dr. King – Right to Vote
  • Mandiba – Right to Vote
  • IVF Parent – Right to Fertility 

To take a note out of each humanitarian:

“Become the change you want to see in this world” – Mahatma Gandhi. Similarly, can there be laws and change for fertility rights so people don’t have to break laws?

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” – Dr. King. Similarly, is injustice to IVF child/family enough to make us want reproductive laws?

“If one can be taught to hate, then they can also be taught to love.” – Madiba. Similarly, if human-made laws can split families, can new laws be enacted to keep IVF families united?

We have a dream that one day there will be equal rights for IVF children and families including straight, single, LGBTI parents. In the 21st century, we have new challenges – gay rights, immigration rights, IVF rights, reproductive rights, and so on. The British ruled India for centuries and it took Gandhiji a few decades to achieve freedom with his honest and peaceful approach. Dr. King fought for civil rights for a few decades before realizing his dream. Mandiba took a few decades to be free of apartheid. Gay rights movements have fought for decades before getting some rights in 2013. Immigration rights have made some success stories but is not complete and continues to split families. Reproductive rights, IVF rights are not even on the radar to be addressed yet. Claiming reproductive rights only belong to women is retrogressive because innocent children of LGBTI families, single parents, non-biological parents get punished because of lack of foresight in the laws. Mothers will always be mothers and no one cant take that away. By acknowledging facts where families exist with children of single male fathers or gay fathers or where fathers are primary care providers we are addressing the rights of a child and not threatening “motherhood” in any way. In the 21st century, reproductive rights need to be inclusive and be free of 20th century stereotypes.

When the peaceful and honest freedom for reproductive rights for all will be complete, we will witness the same principles of Gandhiji, Dr. King and Mandiba having won.

  • When truth will triumph over lies,
  • When love and character of a parent will count more than their gender or biology with the child,
  • When facts will triumph over traditional stereotypes,
  • When love and compassion will triumph over secrecy and lies,
  • When innocent, defenseless IVF children rights will triumph the mistakes of adults,
  • When we can honestly respect another soul’s existence like ours – meaning we all deserve equal respect and dignity regardless of caste, gender, color, race, religion, birth type (natural or IVF), birth place.

We look forward to the day when the Parents of the IVF nation will be treated equally and their intent will be taken into account. We look forward to the day when innocent, defenseless IVF children will have equal protection under law.

  • If there is a DNA mismatch in having a IVF child and the parent still wants to raise the child, there should be laws to allow that and the parent should not be forced to give up the child.
  • If an infertile parent who cannot have a “biological link” with a child, there should be laws to still allow them to immigrate with a “non-biological” child instead of breaking the laws.
  • If a gay parent or single parent wants to raise a child, their gender or circumstances should not be used to punish his children to be split up growing up separately.
  • If a parent carries her IVF child to term but with donor egg and sperm and therefore “no biological link” with the child, there  should be laws to still allow them to immigrate as a “mother”.

The Link Between Scottsboro Boys and Fertility Rights

The recent news of the “Scottsboro boys” being posthumously pardoned is more symbolic and should be celebrated because we as a society are acceptingfertility rights - ivf our “wrongs” even if too late. It takes great courage. Although the wrongful convictions will not get their lives back or what could have been of being able to have a family, a child, respect and dignity and above all being allowed to LIVE as a HUMAN BEING. The question to answer just like Alabama did by pardoning the last of “Scottsboro boys” even if posthumously is to be on the “right side of history“. Much like in the case of “Scottsboro boys”, the prevailing false stereotypes ingrained in people and the system that failed them, most people do not realize the mistake until it happens to “them”. Fertility affects about 15% of the population, so we are faced with similar false stereotypes and are held hostage until change arrives.

Is history repeating itself in wrongfully abusing others? That was 1933 and now it is 2013. The spirit in which this is written is looking forward, what will be the state of fertility rights in 2084? It is a fact that an infertile human being cannot bring a child born outside the US legally to the US because US laws requires a “biological link” as established by DNA (only sperm and egg counts, carrying a child in your womb does not count) between parent-child. Sadly due to the infertility, they cannot have a “biological child”. Then how does a person who is infertile or intersex or gay or lesbian or straight who cannot have a “biological link” to the child supposed to have a child legally? The right answer is change the laws and not break the laws and we need fertility rights. While the “Scottsboro boys” did not get justice while alive, they have been credited with great strides in the civil rights movement. For example, inclusion of African Americans on juries and adequate legal representation for fair justice and due process.

In a case of immigrant, IVF parent, spouse caregiver of intersex, was a similar person allowed to be on the “jury”, was adequate legal representation provided to ensure due process and fair justice? Or was the truth suppressed to fit the need of the hour?  Does the “average” person understand the life of an immigrant, IVF parent and a spouse caregiver of intersex and the related secrecy, lies and lack of laws and its effects? The secrecy and shame are the biggest culprits. The rights of an innocent child are tightly coupled with the rights of a parent. Is it wrong for an IVF, immigrant father to want children? Or should he be forced and ALSO by association his IVF children be forced to live secretly and become invisible like the “Scottsboro boys”? The link between racism and reproductive rights is to deny the truth and thereby the rights of innocents and making them “legally invisible” only furthering the crimes of continued secrecy, lies and false allegations.

In our zeal to provide a child to an infertile adult, have we forgotten about the rights of an innocent, voiceless IVF child? We have defamation, false allegations, rampant breaking of the laws, abuse and victimization of innocents, intimidation, secrecy, lies and WORST, denial of basic human dignity and respect of innocent IVF children. Welcome to 2004 – lack of fertility rights and waiting for justice…

  • It is a fact that an intersex marriage is illegal – so change the laws but do not break the laws and victimize unsuspecting human beings.
  • It is a fact that intersex person is infertile and cannot have a biological child legally – so change the laws but do not falsely accuse others and victimize innocent children and break the laws. As per CDC, 1 in 6 couples is infertile – how is the “couple” defined – only heterosexual couples? Are LGBTI, single parents included in this “statistic”? Do they deserve fertility rights as human beings?
  • It is a fact that intersex person cannot immigrate based on “marriage” – so change the laws like Edie Windsor did by helping strike down DOMA but do not break the laws and victimize others.
  • It is a fact that caregivers have no rights and further caregivers of LGBTI have no rights at all until recently because they have to live “invisibly and secretly” – so change the laws. There are 65.7 Million family caregivers in the US – are LGBTI caregivers included in this “statistic”?

If a caregiver claims they lost their career, social life, their children, financial resources, etc. because of family caregiving duties – it is OK to glaze over. But if a paid caregiver slips on the floor, they can file for worker’s compensation. How is that equal and fair? As a society we need to encourage family caregivers because it can do wonders for patients but we also need to protect the rights of the caregivers. Or do we want a society where everything is “legal” including the family caregiving relationship?

Somehow discriminating innocent people in the name of “best interest of the child” has become the norm. We look forward to the day when every person is first seen as a HUMAN BEING and then a male or female or intersex or straight or gay or lesbian or black or Asian or white or Hindu or Christian or Muslim and the endless segregation and segmentation we bring in our society to justify “human rights”. The basic human right we need is to recognize every person first as a HUMAN BEING – then everything else.

Our heart goes out to the “Scottsboro boys” in what could have been – the years lost, the lives torn, the wrongful defamation, the loss of basic respect and dignity, the loss of family, the loss of listening to crackling laughter of a child, the loss of lifting your child up in the air, the loss of a child kissing their loving parent, the loss of playing and reading with your child, the loss of seeing your child having a better world than you did, and on and on. The BIGGEST loss is despite the false allegations, false convictions, and loss of several human rights, the innocent had NO shot at justice or to be heard FAIRLY. That breaks a HUMAN BEING down like nothing else can. We salute them for their courage, strength and beliefs forever.

Infertility is very traumatic but does that justify placing innocent, voiceless IVF children in legal limbo? How can you ensure “legal rights” to a person who has “no legal identity”? In many ways, the IVF children and families are invisible like the “Scottsboro boys” – deprived and made invisible.

Intersex Awareness Day For Families

October 26 is intersex awareness day. What is intersex? Here is the medical definition of being intersex. What is the legal definition of intersex?intersex awareness day Regardless of our race, color, birth, gender, caste, religion, sexual orientation, we all have to deal with the laws. Depending on each person’s circumstances, to provide a “complete life”, one needs to understand all definitions pertaining to them. Sometimes lack of laws destroys lives like no other crimes can. As a society, we have a history with social justice issues like gay rights, interracial marriage rights, civil rights, women rights, and so on. Do intersex families have rights? If intersex causes infertility and an intersex family opts for IVF to have children, do IVF families have rights? Do IVF children have rights and deserve compassion also? While October 26 is about intersex awareness day, let us make it complete and also include the issues facing an intersex family which is reproductive rights and IVF children rights and immigration rights. Unless, we as a society think that intersex people do not deserve an equal opportunity to have a family with a spouse and children? Or we as a society think that a person who dares to have a family with an intersex person has committed such a grievous crime that not only he but also his innocent IVF children should be punished by splitting them? With gay rights movement on the upswing, will there be basic human rights if not equal rights for intersex families with IVF children? With the turn of the 20th century, there is lot of continued animosity against an immigrant, IVF father and a spouse of intersex resulting in a thousand lies, defamation and stereotyping. Our motivation is to save IVF children and get basic rights if not equal for IVF children and families of today who may also become IVF parents of tomorrow, whats your motivation for the continued animosity, secrecy and abuse? Like water, truth always finds a way – education and awareness is the right path while secrecy and lies creates only more victims including innocent children – IVF or intersex.

LGBT refers to more of a sexual orientation of a person and should be respected. As per IGLHRC, they added the “I” for intersex in LGBTI to include their human rights also although intersex is not a direct reference to sexual orientation. For most people, due to lack of awareness, they may not discern the difference between “sex” and “gender” at first shot. I was like that. It takes a few discussions and some interest in understanding the difference between “sex” and “gender”. It is ironic that laws do not make the same distinction and as a result there are more inadvertent victims. Asian countries like India, Nepal, Pakistan have long recognized the “third gender” legally and moved away from the colonial British definition of “binary gender”. While human rights may not be great in these countries overall, the fact that they give an opportunity to the “third gender” to be honest and live truthfully is liberating. Maybe in this one area, the west can learn something from the east. Australia started offering the “third gender” as a legal option in 2011 followed by New Zealand. In 2013, Germany will become the first country in Europe to offer the “third gender” as a legal option. Progressive countries like US, UK, Canada and so on are waiting but it is inevitable just like “same-sex” marriage rights eventually have to be granted.

Two things – if intersex people are either men or women, then why a legal “third gender”? Are governments like India, Nepal, Australia, New Zealand, Germany, and so on who make laws wrong or are they doing the right thing? By recognizing the “third gender” legally, is the next logical step to address other issues that specifically impacts intersex families who have lived in secrecy and in lies for years and the issues have never been addressed? A spouse of a gay person is also gay, a spouse of a lesbian person is also lesbian meaning the laws or “lack of laws” impact both individuals the same way. Do the lack of laws for intersex marriages also affect both individuals in an intersex marriage the same way? If an intersex person wants to recognize themselves as a “male”, or a “female” or a “third gender”, it is their choice. However, having no laws for addressing the specific issues of “third gender” is victimizing people. If there are laws for “male”, “female”, then why not equal laws for “third gender”? Do a spouse of intersex and children of an intersex marriage deserve equal rights? Or are their crimes so heinous in supporting an intersex person that they should be ostracized and silenced? Ironically, thats been the traditional way to deal with intersex for centuries and only now in the 21st century, we have truth and transparency. Do the spouse of intersex and children of an intersex marriage have to wait a few more centuries and be victimized before getting basic human rights, if not equal?

A spouse of intersex is not gay but from a legal perspective is treated as “gay” and the anti-gay laws are applicable to a spouse of intersex and his children. We look forward to a time when we will have equal rights for IVF children and families, equal intersex rights, and equal caregiver rights. More importantly, every human will be allowed to live with the truth and freely instead of in secrecy and lies – it is every individual’s basic human right (if not equal) regardless of their religion, race, color, caste, sexual orientation, gender, birth type (natural or IVF) – or is it?

Parent of Intersex or IVF – The Fight for the Greater Good

If you were a parent of intersex, what would you teach your child? Say the truth or lie? October 26 is intersex awareness day and here is a real life story about a dysfunctional intersex family of 2000s falling victim to the anti-intersex, anti-gay, anti-IVF laws. Sure while millions of Greater-Goodintersex people do not have equal rights to marry legally, an intersex person can lie and fraud an unsuspecting person into a fraud marriage OR fight for EQUAL rights for all the intersex people. Sure while millions of intersex people are infertile and may want a child, one could lie and break the laws to have a child and place the innocent children in LEGAL LIMBO or fight for EQUAL rights for all intersex and infertile people to have children legally. Sure an intersex person who is a parent can claim to love a child and lie to them and ironically, an intersex person has a deep understanding of the effects of lies OR say the truth to the child and not have a cycle of secrecy, lies and fraud be repeated on innocent children.

As a left-behind parent of an abandoned IVF daughter and watching her turn 4 years, every moment has been worth it. We celebrate her existence and learn from the sacrifices why every human life deserves equal respect and dignity including her. There are no winners here but to punish innocent IVF children who are the most undeserving victims for the crimes they did not commit are the biggest losers. As adults, we must bring their rights as an individual to the forefront.

Parents are faced with all kinds of issues with their children – autism, cystic fibrosis, ADHD, self-esteem issues, IVF, donor-conceived child, and so on. Would your love as a parent become any LESS by saying the truth to the child and helping them deal with the issues caused by the fact they have autism, or CF or ADHD, or IVF? Do you empower the child with the truth or do you teach them to lie? As a parent, what would you teach your child?

1) Hi, I am intersex, probably a 1 in 2000 or 1 in 20000 births (a rarity) due to current laws I cannot legally marry nor can I have children due to infertility and nor do I have equal immigration rights. I love children and would love to be able to adopt or have a child legally. Will you please support equal rights for intersex?

OR

2) Hi, I am intersex but I will not tell you, I will continue to lie how I have been taught by the medical community and parents and marry an unsuspecting victim fraudulently. I will teach them to lie as well and we will lie to have an IVF child (not to mention the lies are breaking laws). I will split the IVF child from his  primary care provider and siblings by claiming them as a “biological child”. Oh the laws have NOT changed and so the IVF child is in LEGAL LIMBO due to the laws I broke.  Don’t care about equal rights for intersex and equal rights for IVF children and families, I got mine. Will you please have sympathy and forgive me?

As a parent, what do you want to teach your child – option 1 or option 2? Where is the humanity?

For those who claim the victim is being shallow or urging him to let go, they fail to capture the victim has taken a few leaps ahead. It is like saying rapes occur because women dress promiscuously but then how do you explain rapes of 3, 4, 5, 6 year olds? It is like saying sexual abuse inside the family occurs but we should let it go and not report it to save “family honor”, how will we raise awareness and bring change? Where is the “family honor” in abusing someone in your own family and forcing them to be silent? It is like saying an infertile person deserves a child at any and all costs, what does the child deserve? If you are going to ask a spouse caregiver of intersex and an immigrant IVF father who has lived in silence and abuse with denial of rights to have the SAME REPEATED on his IVF children, what does that make you? Knowing and understanding of facts is a must before passing any judgments. There is nothing “traditional” about this case.

The claim is that there is a risk of testicular cancer in intersex patients if they do not remove the testes and have the intersex surgery. What is the risk profile? In IVF children due to the fertility treatments, hormones, the induced egg harvesting, the frozen samples, a study claims IVF children are a third more likely to have cancer, they are at 65% risk of having leukemia. If an IVF child needs a bone marrow to live and is forcibly separated from his biological family using fraud documents, who will save his life? What is in the best interest of the IVF child?

A child simply does not need food and education, or school and sports, or career and life to grow and become a positive contributor in the society. A child ALSO needs morals, values, a strong foundation based on love and truth. Any love based on LIES is not love for the child but love for the self. When going through life as an intersex family and its related issues – trauma one after the next, there was no script to follow on what to do, it was the abyss – the unknown. Today its clear – regardless of the situation, follow the truth and stand up for your rights – like Edie Windsor and one may get rights for a greater good in their own personal fight. That is the final analysis.

Minority Report

This is a unique minority report, however we do not have the “precogs” available like in the movie, Minority Report. In a few years, looking back, the minority reportright thing will have been to unite the innocent IVF brother and sister instead of splitting them. Of course, it will be nice to also have equal rights for IVF children and families in the future so that these inhumane situations are not created. Sadly, infertility and IVF are dealt with lot of secrecy and stigma which means not too many people speak up and suffer in silence. Due to lack of laws and lengthy legal battles, they may even abandon the IVF child unwantingly. What are the rights of the IVF child – whether forcefully abandoned or not? As a human race, why are we “manufacturing” human babies without adequate laws protecting the rights of IVF children and families? Can we do better?

If two IVF siblings are born the same way from a legal perspective, then should both have them have the same legal status? Is it fair to show compassion to one and not the other?

It is a fact that laws have been broken and IVF children have been created who are in legal limbo and land-locked and our only solution as humans is inaction? Should the innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister be united?

If child trafficking is a crime against humanity, is creating IVF children and placing them in legal limbo thereby denying their rights a crime?

If human trafficking is a crime whereby their basic human rights are violated, is creating IVF children and making them stateless and land-locked a crime?

There are several Nazi guards and soldiers sheltering in the US who may have never committed any crime on US land. However, because of the crime against humanity, they are still prosecuted and deported and brought to justice. Is creating stateless IVF children deliberately a crime against humanity? Do IVF children have rights and do they deserve equal rights as humans?

Nazis created situations where a parent had to pick between innocent children on who to send to the gas chamber. Is creating situation and manipulating the anti-gay, anti-IVF laws to place an IVF parent in a situation to pick between two IVF children on two separate continents?

Minority within Minority

The other minority is intersex people and families. Is the secrecy and stigma only felt by the intersex person or also by the spouse of intersex and children? Are the effects of intersex surgery only felt by the intersex person or also the spouse and children when the intersex surgery is performed during a marriage? Is infertility and lack of laws for intersex families only felt by the intersex person or also by the spouse of intersex and children?

First, we have to get past the “shame and secrecy”. If gays are proud and open, they achieve equal rights. Why can’t intersex families also hope for the same? So are intersex male or female or “third gender”? If intersex are female then why are governments passing laws to have a legal “third gender”? If intersex are female then why are they removing male testes and lying and creating fraud documents about the surgery? If this surgery is “torture” and traumatic for the intersex patient, what are the effects on the spouse of intersex and children of intersex when the surgery is performed during a marriage? Is gay family rights same as intersex family rights?

If an intersex person has a “right to feel female”, does a spouse of intersex have an equal “right to feel” also? Does the spouse of intersex have the “right to feel” what governments and honest intersex people around the world are feeling, the need for “third gender”? This is a specialized “spouse of intersex” who has witnessed the transition of an intersex person in every way possible when they had the intersex surgery during the marriage – an event that does not occur for most intersex marriages. The spouse is as much of a victim and in severe trauma of a different kind as much as the intersex person. Only by recognizing the facts can we move to a solution. We are genuinely missing the “precogs” to offer insight into the future. The spouse and children in an intersex marriage are the minority within a minority and have equal rights too or not?

The issue is not intersex, infertility (IVF) or immigration, these are just the mechanisms used to expose the lack of laws. The issue is secrecy, lying and relentless breaking of the laws with no respect for basic human dignity and respect including innocent children. The silence is offensive and hurting innocent, voiceless IVF children.

Pay It Forward – Living in the 22nd Century

Maybe pigs will fly in the 22nd century, maybe humans will have a stomach belt or something to make individual flying possible like “one-person pay it forward living 22nd centuryhelicopters” or maybe characters in TV will come flying out and have holograms sitting next to us and have a “chat” with us or maybe we can all just get along. This article is not about the technological advancements of humans in the 22nd century, it is about social justice landscape in the 22nd century. Our story in the 21st century begins after LGBTI rights have become equal; still not there in 2013. Whether it is slavery, women suffrage, end to colonialism, independence and freedom, civil rights, apartheid, interracial marriages, gay rights, etc; life goes on. What legacy do we want to leave behind for children? Is it wrong to want to raise your children based on truth with compassion and independence with love? There is every sympathy for intersex people which has been shown more by action than in words; there are other victims too. Let truth prevail and certainly continuing to lie and live in secrecy is a failed approach. Why remain “invisible” in the eyes of the law? It is better to die trying to become “visible” in the eyes of the law and make a “dent” in the social justice fabric if not for us personally, maybe for future generations yet to come – pay it forward. After surviving death, the truth has to be heard as the silence is victimizing innocent children.

Truth with Compassion and Independence with Love

Welcome to the landmark case of the century – we are dealing with four Is – intersex, infertility (IVF), immigration, invisibility. If we were dealing with only one of these issues, it is a challenge to overcome but dealing all together is just lucky to be alive.

A dysfunctional intersex family who is infertile or dysfertile and are also immigrants. All three subjects are very sensitive and complicated to be talking about it in 2013. There is a veil of taboo, secrecy, stigma, lies. For our situation, the laws do NOT exist. Basically, we are “invisible” in the eyes of the law and are not a critical mass to make up any electoral votes. It seems cats and dogs have better “human rights” than us in the 21st century. At least, the cats and dogs are “visible” in the eyes of law, we do not even exist, so how can there be “human rights” for binational immigrant IVF parent and his IVF children?

We see a future where there are equal intersex rights to be able to marry legally and able to adopt children legally so intersex families do not have to lie, cheat, and fraud unsuspecting innocent victims. Being intersex is a genetic condition and is not in a person’s control but being honest or lie about is in their control. Every marriage has varying degrees of lies but what if the lies break the laws?

We see a future where there are equal rights for IVF children and families so that IVF parents no longer need to lie or make fraud documents just to have a child. As a human being, every person has the right to want to become a parent, it is human. But NOT at the cost of innocent children’s rights or victimizing them who may be too young and voiceless to know or fight for their rights.

We see a future where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex (LGBTI) will have equal marriage and immigration rights so that people who love each other do not have to be separated from each other. More than that, it is about respecting basic human decency. That way people DO NOT have to lie about their sexual orientation or gender when asking for equal rights.

The common thread in all this is becoming “visible” from “invisible” – first socially and then legally.

Indirect Laws by 22nd Century

As a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex and an IVF male parent in the 21st century, no laws exist to protect our human rights or our caregiver rights or our parental rights and so on. The reality is we will get “indirect” laws.

  • If gay rights existed, there would also be laws for domestic violence and abuse against men.
  • If gay rights existed in 2009, an IVF father can ride on the coattails of such laws to bring their IVF child with them.
  • If equal rights for IVF children and families existed, an IVF father can ride on the coattails of such laws and get “legal status” for the innocent, voiceless IVF children. Current status of legal limbo for IVF children is a violation of their human rights.
  • Maybe there will be equal rights for intersex and thus there is less or no lying when an intersex divorce occurs. And that way there is a practical solution where the child is in a practical shared custody – the best interest of the child.
  • There are people who are vocal about their breast cancer or ovarian cancer or testicular cancer and other traumatic conditions. That way they are getting the help they need and if they have a caregiver, he or she is also allowed to share the truth with others and get the help and support they need. It will take more than a century to understand the abuse, trauma, violence, fraud, lies perpetrated on a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex and a binational immigrant IVF father.

Familypreneur

The definition for “entrepreneur” as provided by the dictionary is : one who organizes, manages, and takes on UglyHeart-PrettyFacethe risks of a business or enterprise. Then what is a “familypreneur“? Is it ” one who organizes, manages, and takes on the risks of a family”? Typically, this is a role that women have taken on traditionally or naturally. There are women who may take offense to have it “expected” out of them Vs. there are women who may take offense if its not mentioned. As in other things in life, one cannot make everyone happy. But you start a discussion somewhere, silence is the worst form of abuse. From first hand accounts from victims of rape, domestic violence and abuse, it has come to realization that staying SILENT is wrong and allows the abuser to abuse more. TRUTH is the only way forward.

Mothers are great, the traditional familypreneur. They have multiple roles as primary caregiver, primary healer, primary forgiver, primary compassionate and loving person and keeps the “family” glued together just to name a few. It is not that a mother makes you a meal or whatever else but how she does it with tender love and care that makes a mother different in ALL regards. When there are two genetic males in a relationship, who is the “traditional familypreneur”? When a child arrives (technology is amazing!), who is the “traditional familypreneur” between two genetic males? Do we have the laws and resources and social organizations to help relationships between two genetic males like domestic violence, abuse, equal rights, etc? For those who believe its time to move on, we welcome you to know the TRUTH and FACTS and you will understand that the young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND an IVF father is not someone who GIVES UP. Had he given up, the intersex person would have been devastated long time ago, the IVF children would NEVER have been born and more than likely, his life would have ended a long time ago if giving up is the cause. So, GIVING UP is not the answer, TRUTH with COMPASSION is. The spouse always showed compassion but was missing the TRUTH part and its never too late to start speaking the truth, especially when INNOCENT children are involved. The lion inside the IVF father has woken up for the sake of his CHILDREN. The issue is neither intersex nor infertility, the issue is LYING and BREAKING the LAWS including abusing innocent infants and denying them their rights.

I Have A Dream…

I have a dream that someday IVF children and families will have EQUAL rights and NOT be a slave or hostage to infertility, secrecy and stigma. Infertility is very traumatic, why continue the burden onto innocent, voiceless IVF children after they are born due to unequal laws?

I have a dream that someday a child’s rights is NOT based on their parent’s gender.

I have a dream that someday what will matter MOST is the love for the child as a parent and NOT a parent’s gender.

I have a dream that someday IVF parents are able to say the TRUTH to their IVF children without any stigma or REQUIRING a court order to say the TRUTH.

I have a dream that someday IVF families will be allowed to CELEBRATE IVF with their IVF children instead of SUPPRESSING the FACTS and LYING and CENSORSHIP.

I have a dream that someday the ONLY thing that matters is TRUTH.

Relentless Servitude and Repeated Lying and Breaking the Laws

Intersex marriage is illegal just like same-sex marriage is illegal. So if you are in love with a same-sex person, do you convince them to commit fraud and break the laws? Or do you both UNITE as a family and fight for equal rights so that you can marry legally? Falling in love with same-sex person is “Personal” while “legal marriage” is a public policy issue. If you lie, cheat, and fraud into an intersex marriage, does that mean the marriage is legal? Does that mean that other intersex people can ALSO marry legally? Isn’t it better to fight for equal rights and the greater good than just thinking selfishly for yourself? This is about living on the EDGE of medical science and on the EDGE of social justice. Take a journey into why a DECADE of secrecy and lies is a failed approach and why TRUTH with compassion is the right answer. While the Asian cultures recognize the “third gender” legally, the western culture forces everyone into a “binary gender” and regardless the laws in the west also consider intersex marriage illegal.

Maybe if you lied, cheated, and frauded into a marriage, if you truly love the person, you apologize, ask for forgiveness and move on. If there is compassion, there will be life after that. The secrecy helps NO ONE. There are several intersex people who have intersex surgery either in childhood, or in puberty or as an adult but NOT DURING MARRIAGE. When a spouse of intersex experiences intersex surgery DURING MARRIAGE, he is not only taking RISK for the family but it is UNKNOWN RISK. The spouse becomes a caregiver overnight due to the medications, the treatment. There are several marriages where a spouse may have a “life-changing” health condition like a young war veteran amputee or a breast cancer treatment and so on. Several spouses STAY and help out as a caregiver. More importantly, the spouses are allowed to share the TRUTH and seek HELP. The young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex is FORCED into SILENCE and thereby DENIED any HELP. Is that abuse? The intersex person and their health providers thought ONLY about the intersex patient, NOT the caregiver, NOT the FAMILY. Because the health providers ONLY have protocols for helping intersex people and their parents, NONE for spouse of intersex. The spouse of intersex takes on UNKNOWN RISK for the family, manages and organizes everything in SILENCE. The intersex surgery is NOT abuse but the effects of it are including violence abuse and threats. Creating FRAUD LEGAL DOCUMENTS is a CRIME regardless of justifications. The way it is being dealt with DURING A MARRIAGE is abuse and a gross violation of human rights. Since the marriage is ILLEGAL, can there be any charges of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE? Technically, the marriage is between two genetic males, are there any LAWS for violence and abuse of male Vs. male? The spouse is rendered into the land of invisible in the eyes of law. As the old addage goes, till death do us apart. The spouse witnessed the WORST possible stages that an individual can go through…a transition that affects you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, in EVERY WAY possible. The spouse managed, organized the family in SILENCE, STOOD BY the intersex SPOUSE, DID NOT LEAVE THE MARRIAGE. In all these times, the spouse did not even care for himself, something most family caregivers are guilty of. Does that mean we can ABUSE them?

Then came the child. Biologically, two genetic males cannot have a child. However, medical technology like in vitro fertilization (IVF) is amazing and helps infertile or dysfertile couples. It is expensive. As a YOUNG couple, we did not have the FINANCIAL resources to have an IVF child in the US. India, our country of citizenship, had just opened up commercial surrogacy. Sadly, there were NO agencies or subject matter experts to help us organize and manage IVF in India while we live in the US. Plus we were dealing with infertility in secrecy as the intersex spouse in NO WAY wanted anyone to know about the infertility just like intersex. ROUND 2 of failed approach of SECRECY and LIES. As a result, we had NO access to bioethicists, women’s organizations, proper counseling for IVF – the pros and cons from a neutral partner. We were young, foolish and desperate for a child. Had the TRUTH been known, most people would have asked us to WAIT to have a child. We LIED, we kept SECRETS and got a lovely IVF child. During those times as the biological parent, the fertile spouse spent sleepless nights talking to the IVF clinic in India and gathering information about his soon to be born FIRST CHILD. For any parent, thats a MOMENT of great JOY. However because the IVF procedure was SECRET, because we could NOT tell our family and friends, the fertile spouse was NOT allowed to SHARE the JOY of having a child. Is that CRUEL? Wouldn’t have been better to just say the TRUTH? Just like the ongoing caregiving experience was in silence, the becoming a PARENT was experienced in SILENCE. The IVF child was born, fraud LEGAL documents were CREATED AGAIN just like the intersex surgery, and the IVF child was illegally brought to the US. This was probably the single BIGGEST RISK taken for the family. Instead of celebrating the FIRST IVF CHILD of an Eunuch marriage in India or known as intersex elsewhere, why should we be silenced? It is a SYMBOL of everything that intersex or Eunuchs are fighting for worldwide – EQUALITY.

Raising The First IVF Child of an Eunuch Marriage

Mothers are great and I love my mother. Who is the “mother” for a child between two genetic males? Unless you are opposed to gay marriage and we can stop the discussion. Who is the “mother” for a child in a gay couple? In an IVF child case, who is the “legal mother”? the anonymous egg donor or the surrogate or the two genetic males? Rather than focusing on “mother”, we can discuss about the “primary care provider”. One spouse was under medical treatment for intersex surgery and still coming to terms with the ongoing hormonal treatment. Also, they had a broken leg making it physically impractical to carry an infant, change the diapers on the infant, taking the infant out for a walk with their broken leg, and so many other things that a “primary care provider” does. While it is very TRAUMATIC for the intersex spouse, who DID the “primary care provider” duties for the INFANT? Did his diaper get changed automatically? Did someone pick him up automatically? Did someone take him out for walks, to the park, look after his development while one spouse was recovering from multiple tragedies? Could it be the young, male, spouse caregiver who also DOUBLED up as the biological parent who had already spend several sleepless nights waiting in SILENCE for this bundle of love to arrive? Could he manage and organize and take the RISK for the family, his own son? Could he be the primary care provider for his own son for whom he had struggled so hard?

Years Passed

The intersex spouse gradually kept getting better at the cost of silence of the fertile spouse caregiver and the innocent infant. If she is a butterfly today, we have both experienced and witnessed the ugly stage of larvae. The  silence and abuse was unbearable and the fertile spouse asked for a divorce. This shook the foundation of the intersex spouse. One, the marriage was illegal, second there was NO biological connection with the IVF child, a DNA test would prove that, and third and probably the most important one, who else and how else would she get ANOTHER child in this lifetime? Sadly, the LAWS for intersex are unequal and living as a binational immigrant in the US, makes it only WORSE for IVF families and children. Does that mean its OK to SPLIT a child from his primary care provider, his father? Does that mean its OK to SPLIT an IVF child from his only knownn biological family? We have shown our sympathy, empathy, compassion more in ACTION than in words for the traumatic case of intersex, but we are humans too, we have human rights too, or do we? More importantly, our IVF children deserve EQUAL rights and should not be INVISIBLE in the eyes of the law. We need a LEGAL IDENTITY for our IVF children. SECRECY AND LIES is NOT the answer. The abuse, violence, threats perpetrated upon us CANNOT BE ALLOWED to be perpetrated on innocent children in the name of “compassion”. Say the TRUTH. The spouse caregiver of intersex and IVF father is LUCKY to be alive. There are several other fertile people who have been murdered or killed or other such things so that an infertile person can take their child away. This is DIFFERENT. This is more like the “baby scoop era” of the 1940s to 1970s when children were taken away from their biological mothers because they were “single” and it was “socially unacceptable” at the time. There were forced adoptions which were LEGALIZED then only for the governments to be APOLOGIZING now. Can the childhoods be RESTORED? Is this case of “LEGAL KIDNAPPING” by suppression of FACTS? What we want is RESPECT the LAWS. If the LAWS are unEQUAL then fight for EQUAL LAWS but BREAKING the LAWS while abusing someone else is NOT the right approach.

This case is AHEAD of its times. Thats OK. If I were to be murdered or be silenced somehow, let TRUTH prevail.

 

An IVF Tale of Two IVF Siblings, Two Continents, Two Parents

Is it time to start discussing about the issues faced by IVF parents, children and families? Is it time to discuss theshaping-the-future-together shaping of future together in the best interest of innocent, voiceless children?

In 2011, after 6 years of a gut-wrenching ordeal, a Canadian couple was allowed to take their non-biological IVF child back to Canada. They gave up their life in Canada, stayed in India for 6 years fighting, waiting, and praying. International IVF laws are in its infancy and creates situations which are rare and unique and due to NO fault of the IVF child or the intended parent, the IVF children and families are SPLIT. The IVF couple fought TOGETHER to keep the IVF siblings UNITED and they WON.

In 2009, a US father on green card could NOT take his IVF daughter to the US without a “legal US mother”. He gave up his life in the US and is living in EXILE in India fighting, waiting, and praying. In his case, he also has an IVF son born similarly and he is the only known biological parent (legal requirements) who is in the US and has NEVER met his biological IVF sibling. Now the IVF father is fighting to UNITE his IVF children – 4 years and counting.

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court.

There are some similarities between these cases like laws catching up with technology like IVF OR parents giving up everything to be with their IVF children and fight for their rights OR asking for UNIFICATION of IVF children and families based on humanitarian and compassionate grounds OR family forced to be SPLIT on two continents OR intent of parents was to give birth to life and have children, NOT to abuse life. There are some STARK differences in the two stories between the IVF siblings on two continents in this still developing legal chasms of international IVF.

As an immigrant IVF father and a spouse of intersex in 2013, one IDENTIFIES more with women of history THAN men. Susan B Anthony, Rosa Parks, Mothers, Erin Brockovich, the surrogate in California, the women of baby scoop era are HEROES and INSPIRATION even though an IVF father is judged with bias against men as parents. Sadly, the bias against a male who happens to be an IVF father is passed on and punishing innocent, voiceless IVF siblings. As a parent, one has to speak up if not as a man. Men like Swami Vivekananda, Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. helped in getting this far but it is understanding the struggles of women which will take it forward from here. People abuse a spouse of intersex, abuse an IVF father because we are a minority within a minority but we are still HUMAN with existential issues like moving forward with IVF children in LEGAL LIMBO. The abuse only emboldens that we need to speak the truth with compassion to educate and spread awareness. It may take a few years, decades, or generations just like parents of gay rights or intersex rights but TRUTH will remain constant. We are NOT against intersex marriage, we are against LYING, breaking the laws and using LIES to HURT innocent, voiceless children and other unsuspecting victims. If a rape survivor does not report a rape but is forced into silence under threats, does that mean RAPE did not OCCUR? Does that mean they are not a victim?

If infertility is a medically identified disease, what is “causing harm” to the treatment (IVF child)? When organ transplants occur, the rights of both humans (typically adults) are protected; why is there NO protection for the IVF child when infertility is treated? Does an IVF child DEMAND and DESERVE the basic respect and dignity of a human being and not be treated like “property”?

1) Accidental Vs. Pre-meditated

In 2005, Canadian parents could NOT bring one of their IVF children back to Canada immediately because as per Canadian immigration laws, a “biological link” is required for a Canadian citizen parent to have their IVF child born outside Canada to legally immigrate to Canada. It seems there was a medical accident and the sperm samples got swapped at the clinic resulting in a failed DNA test between the parents and the IVF child. Is this a FAULT or accidents of science and technology? Most scientific innovations in history of the world have come from “accidents” – its how we learn, ask Madam Curie. Even though there is NO law for the facts that occurred, the Canadian government relented in the end and after 6 years allowed the family to live together in Canada. The non-biological IVF parents gave up 6 years of their lives showing that it is NOT the biology but the LOVE of a parent. The “biology” needs to be discussed because of the LAWS.

Moral of the story : Stay together, say the TRUTH, follow your heart and be UNITED.

In the US case, the immigration laws are similar to Canada but the US case is slightly more complicated. The IVF father was an immigrant to the US and NOT a citizen at the time of the birth of the IVF children in India. So different set of immigration laws apply for IVF children born outside the US to US immigrants and is based on gender. Historically, the physical mother and legal mother of a child are always the same and so laws are written like that. IVF presents unique situations where an IVF child will have a physical mother but “no legal mother“. In this case both the anonymous egg donor and surrogate were Indian and had no “Legal standing in the US”. Without a “legal US mother”, an immigrant IVF father cannot bring an IVF child to the US even though a “biological link” exists. Where was the non-biological parent for the IVF child? Only someone with intimate knowledge of these laws could have used them against the IVF father and his IVF children. The result is two IVF siblings have NEVER met. The IVF sister cannot go to the US and the IVF brother is NOT allowed to come to India.

Moral of the story : Stay together, say the TRUTH, follow your heart and be UNITED. The Canadian IVF parents proved its NOT the biology, its the LOVE of a parent, where was the non-biological parent of the IVF child in this US-India case? If the situation is accidental and not pre-mediated, what efforts have been made to UNITE the IVF brother and sister?

2) Divorce happens; should IVF siblings UNITED or SEPARATED?

In another case, the biological parents had commissioned an IVF pregnancy in the US but later decided to divorce mid-way and abandoned the IVF pregnancy. The result is the surrogate who legally is considered a “non-biological” parent was “left-behind” both with the twin IVF children and non-payment for her services. The compassionate surrogate has her own children to raise and despite the emotional and financial trauma decided to raise the IVF twins herself and is slowly getting back on her feet. What is the difference between such parents and deadbeat parents?  Any technology can be misused and abused by a few bad apples, where are the laws to protect and ensure the rights of such IVF children and left-behind families and surrogates?

Moral of the story : Divorce happens, siblings should NOT get hurt and some compassionate human being is always around the corner. Luckily it all happened within the boundaries of USA (no immigration laws complications) and the IVF siblings are together and the surrogate, now the mother, has both emotional and financial help and support.  We need protection from IVFphiles.

In the US-India case, a divorce was filed in the US by the non-biological parent who ALSO agreed to the second IVF child and surrogacy. When the divorce was filed in the US, there was NO mention of the ongoing IVF pregnancy in India, its like the IVF child was DELETED from legal existence in the US and thus denying any LEGAL rights an innocent, voiceless child is normally given in the US – a leader of human rights and child rights. The IVF father was placed in a situation of either staying in the US and contesting the divorce on FACTS or go to India and raise his abandoned IVF daughter. Thus he has NO practical custody of his biological IVF son. Thus the IVF son has NO right to grow up with his sister he wanted, he has NO right to grow up with his biological family, he has NO right to know the TRUTH. While a gay father can tell his 10 year old daughter he is gay, an IVF father cannot tell his IVF son the TRUTH, WHY? The IVF father gave up his life in the US and came to India to raise his abandoned daughter. The family opted for IVF because of the spouse’s infertility and the IVF father did NOT see an “I” in infertility during a marriage. He arranged for the finances to pay the surrogate as per the agreement, it was NOT the surrogate’s fault. As a “left-behind” parent, the IVF father is struggling emotionally from the separation of his IVF son for whom he was the primary care provider, he misses his son missing out on growing up with siblings, he is struggling financially despite having paid into US socially security for almost 20 years. Today the IVF children are in a LEGAL LIMBO. The validity of the divorce based on prevailing laws is in question. Lying and breaking laws to give human rights to one person HURTS other innocent, unsuspecting VICTIMS and their human rights. There has to be a better way.

Moral of the story : Divorce happens; siblings should NOT get hurt. Living a life of secrecy and lies can be used AGAINST you, worse, it can be REPEATED to ABUSE and HURT innocent, voiceless children. The right answer is to say the truth with civility, humility and dignity.

IVF is very traumatic – its a journey that drains you emotionally and financially, sometimes rewarded with an IVF child and sometimes not. Only folks who have been through an IVF journey can understand like the Canadian IVF parents who gave up EVERYTHING in a heartbeat to stay together as a family with the IVF children.

3) US citizen Vs Indian Citizen

In 2009, a US citizen child who was abducted to Brazil was united with his biological father in the US with support and help from US President Obama and then US Secretary of State Clinton who said, “A child belongs with his [biological] family“. Despite the 5 year gap between father and son, the last report says they are BONDING great and loving each other’s company after being reunited. The family in Brazil was the maternal biological grandparents who were raising him and providing him food, home, clothes, toys, schooling, education, and other things for growth and development. There was NO sign of ABUSE other than not allowing the son to travel to US to meet his father and have a PRACTICAL father-son relationship. Its the “right thing to do”.

Moral of the story : The US is capable of doing the “right thing” where laws sometimes fall short.

In 2013, 3 years and counting, an Indian citizen IVF son has been reverse abducted to the US and is NOT allowed to come to India. The courts in the US have been lied to and the facts have been suppressed resulting in FORCED SEPARATION of innocent, voiceless IVF brother and sister who have NEVER met. A father who misses his son dearly and vice versa because of the CLOSE BOND they have since the father was the primary care provider until uprooted. JUSTICE seems distant and forgotten, relief for VICTIMS is what we are seeking. An IVF daughter in India is in LEGAL LIMBO and is STATELESS and cannot travel outside India. How many lives have to be RUINED to give life to one person and their LIES? When asking for justice, one has to listen to statements like, “thats what you get for doing IVF…”. So the IVF parents deserve the punishment, why are we punishing innocent, voiceless IVF children by placing them in LEGAL LIMBO? Do IVF children have rights? And for the record, if you have the GUTS like an adult, come say the same thing after you see the two LOVELY IVF children, I dare you. And for the record, we opted for IVF because of infertility in the marriage due to the intersex person, where are they? Just like being gay is personal but NOT having gay rights is a public policy issue; so is being IVF parent is personal but NOT having equal rights for IVF children and families is a public policy issue.

Moral of the story : Dealing with 4 Is – intersex, IVF, immigration and invisibility is exhausting in 2013. Somehow, still being alive is a miracle and largely a thanks to the parents and their upbringing. Quitting, detering, running away from the issues is NOT in the DNA. Doing the right thing, truth, moving forward is in the DNA – the same DNA the two IVF children will have FOREVER – can’t LIE to them forever, can we?

Just like sometimes a hunter becomes the hunted, sometimes a fertile person becomes infertile due to the trauma and experiences of IVF even though biologically they may be fertile.

Intersex is a naturally occurring condition and is not in an individual’s control, however, lying about it and reducing the rights of an unsuspecting spouse and children is in their control. It is NOT about one’s GENDER, or RACE, or RELIGION, or CASTE or … but its about the CHARACTER of an individual. This case is from the future where if equal rights for gays existed; this case would NOT have happened, if equal rights for immigration existed for IVF children and families; this case would NOT have happened, if equal rights for intersex existed; this case would NOT have happened. Slowly but surely, things are changing. LGBTI immigration was not allowed till 2013, now it is. Intersex families are largely living in secrecy and invisible with their issues, but recently Germany, the FIRST European country legally recognized the “third gender” and thus providing an environment for people to live freely and honestly. Will others like US, UK, Canada follow? In another case, a FIRST in the US, a court determined the intersex surgery as unconstitutional, what about the same surgery during marriage? In another instance, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP to the intersex surgery. What are the effects of such surgery which is torturous and/or unconstitutional when done in secrecy and lies during a marriage on unsuspecting people – both the intersex patient and the spouse and the children? In the future, the effects will be analyzed and understood and there will be more openness to the FACTS including lack of laws. Patience and time always allows for the TRUTH to prevail.

Three Strikes and Justice?

Three strikes is a general rule of thumb for getting out or speaking up. In the all American favorite pastime, speak up truthbaseball (which I terribly miss going to the games with my son – go Stros’), its three strikes and you are OUT. At a personal level, when someone abuses you, do you speak up after the first occurrence or the second or the third occurrence? When someone slaps you, do you usually hit back after the first slap or the second or the third slap? When someone stabs you, do you react after the first occurrence or the second or the third occurrence? As with each occurrence, the severity goes up and the victim may not wait till the second or third time to react. It may be TOO LATE. Being married to intersex with LESS rights is not the issue, being married to an infertile person with LESS rights is not the issue, being a LEGAL immigrant with LESS rights is not the issue, its someone using ALL this against you for their personal benefit which is the issue. Its THREE STRIKES and you are OUT. An innocent girl had the courage to speak up against her own family – her father because of the constant abuse even though she was met with a “let it be” attitude. She believed in saying the truth and decided enough is enough when it comes to abuse. How long must one wait before reporting abuse against a family member? Is there a “finite limit” every human has to tolerate the abuses? What if the victim is ALSO your innocent child?

Being abused, being lied to, breaking the laws to an adult is one thing, there is forgiveness. That’s STRIKE ONE. Having the secrecy, lies, abuse, violence, breaking the laws repeated on your innocent child is STRIKE TWO. Being lonely and staying silent under threats and not reporting the crimes is the biggest regret. Having the same mantra repeated to make an innocent child STATELESS and SPLITTING siblings takes abuse, secrecy, lies to whole another level. What are the RIGHTS of the innocent IVF child VICTIM? When the victims of the “let it be” attitude are innocent children, would you stay quiet or speak up if it were your own children? Would any parent want their child to have the basic human dignity and respect?

Fighting Stereotypes – Victims of “Let It Be” Attitude

In a complex case of intersex, infertility (IVF), immigration – some things are constant – secrecy, lies, breaking the laws and constantly fighting the stereotypes – there is nothing conventional about it. The right answer is to educate and spread awareness because if that existed before, there would be NO secrecy and lies and stigma. Parents of intersex would not have the urge to LIE about their child because intersex is socially acceptable. What are some of the stereotypes to fight?

1) People may see infertility ONLY as a female issue which is horribly wrong. Infertility affects all those who love children, the way of expression may be different. As an IVF father who is remote, one has worked tirelessly including making trips from the US by himself to India to IVF clinics and depositing the “sample”. If you think its just a “trip”, we welcome you to try the roller coaster ride yourself.

2) People may see a non-biological parent raising an IVF child with care. We see an IVF child ABANDONED and in LEGAL LIMBO due to no fault of hers without whom the non-biological parent could have NEVER got practical sole custody of the IVF sibling they claim to love. If the second IVF child had been declared in the divorce decree, would the court have agreed to SPLIT biological siblings? If the second IVF child were brought to the US and then divorce was filed, would the FACTS have been allowed to be stated in the court? To SACRIFICE an innocent, voiceless IVF child for sake of another child is NOT love for children.

3) People may see showing compassion to an infertile person. We tried that and are left-behind with not one, but TWO IVF children in LEGAL LIMBO. What are the LEGAL RIGHTS of people who are STATELESS? For us its about the IVF children, the RESULT OF SHOWING COMPASSION TO INFERTILITY.

4) People who feel compassion for an infertile person and would like to SILENCE us. First, no more silence; been there, done that. TRUTH with civility, humility, and dignity is the only way forward. Second, we welcome those compassionate people to give their egg or sperm and money and we know of several IVF clinics willing to help. You can have the IVF child and just “donate” or “give” the child to the infertile person. Its easy to preach, try practicing it sometimes.

5) We have tried the secrecy, the lies, the victimization, the abuse, the violence in silence. But a criminal mind never changes. As we were stumbling through each issue, it was a FIRST in so many ways. It is time to celebrate the FIRSTS instead of living in secrecy and lies. 

6) By DENYING the children are IVF, we are doing the biggest disservice to the “it takes a village” people who helped bring the IVF children into the world and raise them. It shows the HUMANITY and COMPASSION still alive in this world. DENIAL would be criminal. In TRUTH, we will be honoring those who have truly helped like the “village” that helped raise the IVF children.

7) People may see a parent with an IVF child. We see an innocent child being lied to and having his rights violated just like an intersex child. How did the LYING and SECRECY help the intersex child? And how will a REPEAT of the LYING and SECRECY help an IVF child?

8) Abuse an adult, stayed silent. Abuse a child, stayed silent. Abuse another child, can we stay silent? The issue is not intersex, IVF or immigration. The issue is only someone with intimate knowledge of the circumstances could have done this heinous act on innocent, unsuspecting victims.

We have more than THREE STRIKES, what should we do? Continue to LIE or start saying the TRUTH?

The Case for Rights for IVF children and families

There is little doubt left that IVF/surrogacy laws are in its infancy worldwide. The situation is exasperated whereTime-for-equal-rights-IVF-children IVF/surrogacy laws are not far-reaching. There is NO doubt the future will bring equal rights for IVF children and families while in the interim there are innocent lives being victimized. There are both sides of the spectrum – places where IVF/Surrogacy is completely banned to allowance of IVF/Surrogacy with the best interest of the infertile parents in mind and NOT the best interest of the IVF child. Even if one disagrees with a total ban approach, at least its clear, NO IVF child which in some cases maybe better than creating an IVF child and placing them in LEGAL LIMBO and making them STATELESS due to no fault of their own.

It is about moving forward and envisioning a world where equal rights for the entire IVF ecosystem exists – the IVF child, donors, surrogates, and the parents who may be infertile or dysfertile. The canaries in the coal mine miraculously survived. So let’s make the case and have a discussion which is long overdue and is victimizing innocents. Let put children FIRST.

1) Precedence of International laws for children – If there are international laws for child abduction and child adoption, why not international laws for IVF/surrogacy children in the best interest of the child?

2) Precedence of immigration laws for LGBTI – If there are immigration rights for spouses of LGBTI, why not immigration rights for IVF/Surrogacy children regardless of parent’s gender? For example, can an immigrant IVF father legally bring an IVF child born outside the US born with his biological sperm and help of compassionate anonymous egg donor and surrogate? Gays, single fathers, spouses of intersex are some of the people affected.

3) Non-biological parents of IVF children – If non-biological parents can be EQUALLY loving, then why not allow legal immigration of IVF/Surrogacy children by non-biological parents? For example, what if an IVF clinic accidentally swaps the sperm sample and now there is NO DNA match between the IVF parent and IVF child? What should happen to the IVF child who cannot legally immigrate? Are we going to say that “scientific accidents” and “human error” NEVER happens? Ask Madam Curie. As an IVF family, we need a legal framework to move forward in life. Or are we condemning infertile or dysfertile people same way as places which BAN Surrogacy/IVF outright – in the absence of adequate laws, the result is same even though the intent may not be. We need protection from IVFphiles.

4) Human organ transplant – People who donate their organs either while alive or after their death are very noble. There are ethics surrounding each scenario and laws too. The “time window” for organ transplant is very “small” as the organs deteriorate quickly when left outside the human body. The “time window” to give innocent, voiceless IVF children equal rights is “small” because with time and lost childhoods, their innocence is lost quickly with possible trauma for a lifetime.

5) Organ Transplant while alive and after death – There is a difference between organ transplant while alive or after death. The ethics are are slightly different and thats why it is necessary to make a distinction. For a live organ transplant, both the donor (typically, a family member) and the receiver have rights and laws that govern the safety and health of both. There is even a organ donor advocate who looks out for their best interest even though lot of emotions may be involved due to the receiver being a close family member. Why are there NO laws to govern the rights of an IVF child? Why are there NO laws to govern the rights of a donor or surrogate in an IVF procedure? While socially a parent is defined by the LOVE for a child and biology should NOT matter but laws for IVF children and families are OPPOSITE and so we need to discuss “biology”.

6) Lack of laws – Anyone who claims we have laws for the entire IVF ecosystem is either fooling themselves OR has never experienced IVF firsthand. That’s why we need an IVF Movement to educate and spread awareness to get change. What we have is a start, a legal framework for IVF/Surrogacy in its infancy, we have a long way to go and lot more work to do. In a democracy, every minority needs to garner support from the majority who may have NEVER experienced the same issues and have EQUAL laws passed – thats how our system works.

For discussion sake, in a world where both mothers and fathers are EQUAL and can LOVE a child EQUALLY and can be the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER EQUALLY, from a legal perspective, should taking a sperm or egg or a womb from someone treated as “organ transplant”? It is anatomy of the human body. At least should similar ethics, laws be in place to EQUALLY protect the best interest of the IVF child, the donor and the receiver? In case of gays or single fathers, how will we address this where ‘NO LEGAL MOTHER” exists even though a physical mother exists?

This in NO way is an exhaustive list for reasons and urgency to have EQUAL rights for IVF children and families. The intent is to SPARK a discussion which is long overdue and its about time to have the right to say the TRUTH and demand and deserve equal justice for all. Living in secrecy and shadows at the cost of threats and offending someone is NOT going to solve any issues, TRUTH will help us move forward.