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In the War on Fertility, its the result that should count – the IVF child

Happy Children’s Day where two lovely IVF siblings were born through compassion of others but are willfully separated and have NEVER met. Let us hope this children’s day the rights of a child are placed FIRST and they are protected from misintended adults who want to abuse and deny them their rights for the selfish benefit of an adult. A child is a child but the laws are different for “natural born” Vs. “IVF” child and we are forced to talk about it separately. In an ideal world, all children are equal, when will this be true for an IVF child?

Lets dedicate an IVF children’s day to people like Dr. Subhash Mukherjee, India’s first doctor to successfully deliver an IVF child and the world’s second doctor (missing it by 67 days) to achieve the same. Both him and the Nobel Laureatte, World’s first doctor, Dr. Robert Edwards to deliver an IVF child are both about GIVING a child and NOT TAKING a child. Let us place child’s rights ahead of everyone else including misintentioned adults who commit crimes. Taking candy from a baby is easy but what have you proven? Denying the rights of an IVF child is easy but have you made it better or worse for others to follow?Equal Rights for IVF Children

What if you are attempting to build a family through IVF, is it a crime?

What if you have multiple IVF failed attempts, will you keep trying to have an IVF child?

What if after all those attempts, financial, emotional ups and downs, you have a lovely IVF child, will you abandon them?

Welcome to the world of IVF. Roughly, a little over 1% of all births are through IVF as per CDC. There are no known statistics on how many IVF births are abroad for a US parent. The point is its a minority and therefore very few people know about it. With changing lifestyles, people attempting IVF is only going to increase. Are the laws equipped to handle the IVF scenarios? More importantly, are innocent, voiceless IVF children protected under the laws from some misintended adults? Some clarifications on IVF :

1) As per US laws, all children born abroad are subjected to US Immigration laws.

2) A “genetic link” is required between a child born abroad and the US parent. So how do infertile people who cannot have a genetic link bring a child born outside the US legally? Kinda reminds me of the French revolution when the king said, “If they can’t afford bread, let them have cake”. Should infertile Americans be forced to break laws and convert unsuspecting fertile individuals into criminals?

3) The lack of laws for IVF children affects everyone – straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, white, black, hispanic, asian, other races, male, female, married, single, anyone trying to have a child through IVF! The worst affected is the innocent IVF child.

Use Cases :

1) If you are in an infertile marriage, as a heterosexual couple if you are to have an IVF child, depending on the infertility situation, you may use your “genetic” material as the laws define, either your own sperm or your own egg. What if it gets SWAPPED? Both intended parents are US Citizens, one is infertile, and the other who gave their “genetic material” accidentally got swapped by the IVF clinic abroad. This is NO fault of the IVF child, the US parents. But the law says, one of the US parents MUST have a “genetic link” to the child. Really? Do the parents care? Does the child care? Isn’t it just about being able to love and hold a child and raise them with love and care? Isn’t that enough?

2) If you are single, biologically, you need your own “genetic material” as per laws to have a child. What if you are infertile and single, SOL as per laws.

3) If you are gay or lesbian or intersex couple, biologically, only one can contribute, and if there is a DNA mismatch or the”genetic parent” abandoning the IVF child then the “left-behind parent” is SOL as per laws. Even if a “non-genetic parent” wants to love and raise a child, the law will ask them to do it in exile outside the US because they lack a “genetic link” with the chid.

There are some more use cases. The most important use case is the legal status of the IVF child. Regardless of how we get there, the result is a “stateless” IVF child. Does the child have rights? Can they live freely and have a legal identity? Was the every intention of the intended parent to bring the child to the US and raise them with love and care as a proud American? Then why this torture based on archaic 20th century laws?

We can pontificate on ethics of IVF, we can pontificate on US Immigration laws, we can pontificate on LGBTI marriages, we can pontificate on straight marriages, we can pontificate on racial discrimination, but we CANNOT continue to pontificate while we continue to discriminate against innocent IVF children and families. We CANNOT pontificate while we continue to discriminate against innocent IVF children for actions of their parent(s) – that is casteist. We CANNOT pontificate while innocent, voiceless IVF children are languishing in legal limbo with no justice. We CAN pontificate on rights of a child (any child including IVF) once the innocent child’s welfare and rights have been restored. To ignore the issues of an IVF child is to ignore the best in humanity – compassion of others to bring about the IVF child into this wonderful world.

Happy World Embryology Day

Thirty six years ago, he world’s first IVF child was born. Wishing everyone a Happy World Embryology day if you care. Some famous people born in IVF-Cruelty1978 as well are Ashton Kutcher, Zoe Saldana, Tia and Tamera Mowry, Usher, Kobe Bryant, Katie Holmes, first IVF baby in the world – Louise Brown, India’s first IVF baby – Durga. Sadly, we still do not have equal rights for IVF children and families.

Technology is wonderful when used correctly and thanks to the hard work of scientists, researchers for doing their part for the progress of humanity. Whose job is it to have laws that keep pace with technology? Have they done their job? What happens when the laws fall short and innocent IVF children are victimized with no justice? Whose responsibility and accountability is that?

In 1978, there were about 4.3 billion people and 2 IVF children.

In 2012, there were about 7.1 billion people and the 5 millionth IVF child was delivered.

In 2012, the CDC estimated 1% of all births in US were through IVF and expect all births to be about 5% soon.

By 2020, the population is estimated to be about 7.7 billion and the IVF industry is expected to double (maybe the number of IVF children born will also double as a conservative estimate?)

When will IVF be a “big enough” issue to start caring? And it is about the innocent, voiceless IVF children – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable. When will we as a society wake up? What will it take for us as a society to wake up? 

If “IVF” is an “industry”, then what is it “product” and who is protecting their rights? Should any industry be regulated especially where billions of dollars are involved? Especially where innocent children’s lives may be at risk? Especially where innocent children’s welfare may be endangered?

If “IVF” is to help infertile or dysfertile people, who helps the IVF children? What are the rights of IVF children when born during a divorce? Do they deserve a legal identity or should they be shoved under the carpet and make them invisible? Does that solve the problem?

When a straight couple who is dealing with infertility, are both spouses impacted with the lack of laws for IVF children and families? When gay couples, lesbian couples, single men, single women, infertile couples attempt to solve their “dysfertility” with help of other compassionate human beings, should there also be laws to help them and the IVF children? Or should such people be discriminated and falsely persecuted for daring to dream to have a child through help of technology? Worse their innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit and for the actions of their parents.

Every IVF journey is unique. Some result in not having a IVF child at all despite multiple attempts which sadly failed. The worst is having an IVF child who is born into legal limbo and not having any rights as a living, breathing human being. Sadly, pets have more rights in some cases. 

This year on World Embryology Day, let us pledge for equal rights for IVF children and families. This includes the entire IVF fraternity – the donors, the surrogates, the IVF clinics and medical professionals, the intended parents, and most importantly the IVF child. If there are laws for international child adoption, if there are laws for international child abduction, why are there no laws for international IVF children? More importantly, in absence of these laws, how do innocent victims get justice? 

The cornerstone of any IVF cycle is compassion of a fellow human being. It is the essence of our humanity. Let us hope that is NOT lost.

The IVF Survival Guide – What If..?

The US laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Here is an IVF Survival Guide.IVF-Survival-Guide

1) What If an infertile couple decides to have a child outside the US through IVF, only one of the parents would have the “genetic link” either the sperm or the egg, and that biological parent decides to abandon the IVF child for whatever reason BUT the “non-biological parent” wants the child to raise and love, can they legally get the innocent IVF child to the US?

2) What If there is a DNA mismatch and due to the accident there is “no genetic link” between US parent and child born outside the US, should the intended parent(s) live in exile or abandon the child? Is the love for the child any less due to the accident? Do the laws reflect “intent” or archaic and antiquted laws still playing catch up with technology?

3) What If a gay couple or a lesbian couple decide to have a child but the biological parent decides to abandon the child, can the left-behind (non-genetic) parent legally get the child to the US?

4) What If an infertile person wants to have a child, can they get a child into the US legally with “no genetic link”?

5) Are these archaic and anti-IVF laws creating an environment which is in the “best interest of the innocent, voiceless IVF children”? Are these archaic and anti-IVF laws creating an environment where some infertile people go to any length to SPLIT innocent IVF siblings just to that they can have a child? What about the rights of the innocent IVF children? What about the rights of a brother wanting to be with a sister? What about the rights of an innocent child to live WITHOUT legal limbo?

6) Will the justice system acquiesce to TRUTH or persecute and threaten the innocent who petition for change rather than being forced into silence? Will the justice system follow its own laws and prosecute those who victimize innocent, voiceless, vulnerable children?

7) If a rape victim does not report the crime for fear of shame, stigma, further victimization and the statute of limitation expire, does that mean the rape DID NOT OCCUR? If a sexual abuse victim does not report the crime for fear of shame, stigma, further victimization and the statute of limitation expire, does that mean the abuse DID NOT OCCUR?

8) What If a spouse of an intersex person who were both victimized by the medical community through an overt web of secrecy, lies and crimes, does that mean the intersex family was not abused due to medical negligence?

9) What If an IVF parent who attempted IVF due to infertility of an intersex spouse but forced to lie about it due to US laws for immigrants, does that mean the child is NOT IVF? Does that mean the person who is claiming to be the “mother” is ALSO the “genetic mother” including fraud documents?

10) What If an IVF parent is forced in a situation of fait accompli where he is forced to live in exile with his daughter and giving up his son, is it so heinous that the innocent IVF family should be punished and the only JUSTICE is to SPLIT them?

As a victim of intersex, infertility, immigration, invisibility, it is time to MOVE FORWARD and deal with the TRUTH. It has happened. Laws have been broken. Crimes have been committed. But to punish innocent IVF siblings by SPLITTING them is NOT the right answer. No parent would stand for injustice towards their child even if the condition is a minority because for a parent their child is everything. Justice for innocent IVF children, thats the only thing we ask. Justice against people who prey on others, lie, break laws, are criminals is for justice system to decide to establish their own credibility, for us, its about justice for innocent children, is it too much to ask?

As a humanity, one would think “best interest of the child” is paramount, how have we lost track then to impose punishment on innocent IVF children for mistakes of their parents?

How to Steal an IVF Child?

Its 2009. Its been 31 years since IVF was invented but we still lack laws where laws have simply not caught up with technology, for how long this must continue? Are there innocent victims? Its considered a boon for people with fertility issues. The way nature works is you need sperm, egg andit-could-have-been-you a womb to have a child – pure science, no offense. What if you have neither? A straight married couple may have egg, sperm and womb or have a fertility issue with any one or more of the needed things. A lesbian couple may just need the sperm much like a single mother wanna be. A gay couple would need both an egg and a womb like a single father wanna be. An intersex person would need all three – egg, womb and sperm. So if you are intersex in the 2000s where there are no equal rights for intersex or infertile people, do you break the laws and steal a child or do you change the laws? What about the innocent child, what do they want or that does not matter? The child’s best interest is the least of anyone’s concern, right?

Anyone who believes no CRIME has been committed should have the strength and courage to say that while looking into my IVF daughter innocent big brown eyes. The US usually is the “go-to” country in the world when it comes to upholding truth, human rights and justice. In this rarest of rarest cases, it has fell short because someone decided to manipulate the legal system for their selfish advantage. Is there room for correction in the best interest of the children before their TWO lovely innocent childhoods expire?

Wrongful conviction and lost decades can never be restored or replaced by any number of apologies. Lost innocent childhoods – not one but two cannot be restored. Infertility is very traumatic but to continue that trauma onto innocent IVF children is far worse. No number of apologies can replace or restore the lost childhoods, the hugs, the kisses, the fights, the anger, the frustration, the love, the everlasting bond, the bond that will exist long after their parents are gone from this world. It is about the innocent kids, right? Or is it about our ego? Surely there must be a better way to get a child like maybe asking for change in laws so that “a genetic link” is not required. If the laws were equal or neutral, however you want to see it, my two lovely, beautiful innocent IVF children would not have been SPLIT and wrongfully convicted of growing up separately. Because an infertile person then would not have the need to lie, cheat, fraud, break the laws, instead just be treated equally and so they would also treat other people including innocent children equally. The root cause is lack of laws, lack of equality so lets fix that so such heinous issues NEVER occur again. Banning IVF, banning immigration, banning intersex marriages, banning whatever is not the answer, accepting the facts and truth and moving forward is the right answer.

What if you are intersex and while it is traumatic, is there any trauma for a spouse and children of an intersex marriage? Is there an “I” in infertility when dealing with it during a marriage? Legally, intersex marriages are not recognized so there cannot be a “child of the marriage”. Plus as per laws, an IVF child is considered as “child born out of wedlock” as if it were an infidelity. Biologically you are infertile, meaning cannot have a genetic link with any child despite the facts that you have fraudulent documents to show otherwise and despite the fact that the laws require a “genetic link” to be proven by DNA. So how does an infertile US person get a child where laws require a genetic link?

Step 1 : Have one child through IVF and lie, cheat, fraud, abuse, torture, break the laws, become a criminal to “must-have” an innocent IVF child.

Step 2 : Force the spouse to lie, live in secrecy, abuse under threats and not report on the crimes and abuse while pretending everything is normal.

Step 3 : When the fraud marriage falls apart, not because of intersex, not because of IVF, but because of lies, secrecy, abuse, silence, threats, fraud, the fear of losing a child sets in. The fact that laws require a “genetic link” between a parent and child sets in. How will one get a child?

Step 4 : Being an intelligent person, come up with a heinous and pre-meditated plan to SPLIT innocent children. Create a DECOY by consenting for a second IVF child with NO intent of ever bringing the second child over.

Step 5 : The laws are different for different people or known as discrimination. Through savagery and intelligent lawyering and legal manouevering use the anti-IVF laws against innocent IVF children. As per laws, an immigrant father can only bring a child born outside the US along with the “mother” while an immigrant mother does not need a “father” to bring a child. Why this discrimination and more importantly, this takes special relevance in IVF cases. A DNA test assuring a “genetic link” is needed in either case to rule out any maternity or paternity fraud.  The US government will definitely catch up but in the meantime people are taking undue advantage and placing innocent children’s lives at risk in the thirst to have a child at any cost.

Step 6 : File for divorce in the US without declaring the ongoing IVF pregnancy in India, never come to India when the IVF child is born thus leaving the innocent IVF child stranded as per laws an immigrant IVF father cannot bring a child born outside the US  by himself – his gender gets in the way much like how gay fathers or single fathers would feel.

Step 7 : The innocent IVF father is tugged in both directions and is placed in a heinous position that no parent should ever have to face – choose a child much like Sophie’s Choice – the Nazi Holocaust movie. The IVF father runs to the infant daughter and therefore the facts are not stated in the US court and NO DUE PROCESS is afforded to either the IVF father or his IVF children. It is lucky to have survived and be alive thanks to the love and support of a family.

Step 8 : Alienate, brainwash the innocent IVF son in the US while his loving IVF father is living in exile in India raising his IVF sister. The other option is to ALSO abandon the IVF daughter at an orphanage and continue to live in the US and enjoy raising his IVF son. How can you be a good role model to your son – teach him to lie, cheat, fraud, break the laws, violate others human rights or when inequality exists do you petition the government for change in laws with truth, facts, compassion and love for fellow human beings?

When an IVF parent speaks up, they are not the only ones who are victimized, there are others too. The issues of rights of IVF children are separate than rights of IVF parents. In the future, there will be equal intersex rights, equal IVF children and family rights, equal immigration rights BUT abandoning an innocent child will still be a CRIME.

Have a child, love a child but surely there must be better ways than to SPLIT the child from his siblings and loving family or NOT getting him into legal limbo? What does the innocent child WANT? Does he have rights? Does the abandoned IVF child have rights? Who pays the commercial surrogate when an intended parent abandons the surrogacy? What are the rights of the surrogate?

What’s Next – Human Cloning for Personal Benefit?

IVF is very much a bioethics issue. If a person needs a heart or liver or kidney, will they just create a clone, rip out the needed organ from the clone and leave the clone to its situation. It is true that a clone also needs a heart or kidney or liver to survive and live or where they just a “spare parts factory” made alive by the awesome invention of technology? Does the clone have rights as a human being?

If an infertile person needs a child, can they just have an IVF child through donor DNA and surrogate womb, decide to change their mind and not want the IVF child and just abandon the IVF child with no responsibility or accountability either for the innocent IVF child OR the surrogate. Does the IVF child have any rights as a human being once born or where they just a “baby factory” brought to life by the awesome invention of technology? What about the right of the surrogate?

With any technology, we need checks and balance. Do we have the appropriate checks and balance to protect the rights of innocent IVF children and families including donors and surrogates? Are we asking the right questions?

The Few, The Proud, The IVFhood

We pay homage and respect to the ultimate pillar of humanity of our times, Nelson Mandela. As millions and possibly billions who have been inspired by him, we continue the fight for equal human rights for all including innocent, defenseless, voiceless IVF children.

In each struggle, numbers count. Sadly, thats our system. Too often as humans in a democracy, we feel we are just a “statistic”. Then there is the mandelaIVFhood. The IVFhood consists of a large IVF ecosystem including the IVF child, donors, surrogates, intended parents, doctors, staff, etc. IVFhood is like being in a marathon where everyone is cheering you on but only the runner knows the truth and has the courage to get to the finish line. Most people do not even know what IVF families go through and what it takes to be part of the IVFhood. All IVF parents are very strong, persistent and determined possibly overcoming several personal, emotional, financial, legal and other struggles. Some who are lucky are blessed with an IVF child, some are not as lucky. Every IVF journey is unique and every IVF parent has an unique story on how they got there and got through with or without an IVF child. We are not just a “statistic”, we are real people with real needs and concerns. We are not asking the government to give every human being a child, we are asking for equal rights so that every IVF child is EQUAL. As an IVF parent, it is one thing to be discriminated against their reproductive rights but to use biology and/or gender of a parent to discriminate against an innocent IVF child takes it to whole another level. It is one thing to stand by quietly when an adult is discriminated and abused but can any parent standby quietly when it is their child being discriminated and abused? We need education and spreading awareness, not secrecy and lies. Let us go through some statistics.

  • As per CDC, 1 in 6 couples (about 15%) experience fertility issues. This does not account for singles or LGBTI couples where 100% need some sort of fertility assistance.
  • As per CDC, about 1% of child births were through IVF. As of 2013, in about 35 years since IVF’s inception, 5 million babies have been delivered via IVF. This number is expected to grow widely in the coming years especially now that “same-sex” marriages are being legalized.
  • With better IVF techniques and increasing demand, the IVF “success ratio” will be optimized resulting in birth of more IVF children and the “numbers” will grow in size.
  • With increasing medical tourism and affordability being a significant factor in IVF rather than just infertility or dysfertility, more IVF children may be born internationally requiring appropriate immigration laws.

The current laws for immigration simply do not go far enough and inadvertently puts innocent IVF children in legal limbo. Why? Are they not human beings who deserve “basic human dignity and respect” if not equal rights?

  • When an innocent child has no legal identity due to no fault of theirs other than to be born via IVF, is it discrimination based on “birth type”? Its the inadvertent effect of lack of laws and is this the kind of society at we want to leave our children with?
  • What are the rights of an IVF child and surrogate when a divorce occurs during an ongoing IVF pregnancy? Does the “intent” of having an IVF child have any significance?
  • If its a crime to abandon an infant, should it be a crime to abandon an IVF child with no accountability or responsibility for the IVF child?
  • When human errors occur due to accidents where samples get swapped and resulting in a DNA mismatch leading to lack of immigration laws for the IVF child, should the IVF child be abandoned, forced to be given up for adoption, or should the intended parents be forced to live in exile outside their home country because their IVF child cannot immigrate with them or should they break the laws and get the IVF child illegally to their resident country?
  • Does a child in legal limbo have any legal rights? Is there a difference when a child is placed in this situation due to no one’s fault Vs. deliberate actions of another human being.
  • The basic question is why are we creating IVF children without proper protection and ensuring their basic human rights if not equal rights? Every human being deserves the right to have a child – fertile or dysfertile or infertile, straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, single – but are the laws reflective of this?

Innovation can only occur when you can breathe free, challenge the government, challenge your teachers, challenge religious leaderssaid US Vice President Joe Biden.

A parent who is poor loves their child just as dearly even though they may not be able to afford education, or a parent who is gay or lesbian loves their child just as dearly even thought they may need to legally adopt or go for IVF or an immigrant parent loves their child just as dearly who may be separated from their child due to immigration laws or an IVF parent loves their IVF child just as dearly, then why SPLIT them in certain cases? We do not need the government to show a parent how to love, we need the government to have laws so that there is an equal playing field. The lack of laws is creating such a desperate situation where IVF parents are forced to just ask for BASIC rights to respect their IVF child as a human being and not even EQUAL rights. It is reminescent of past social justice revolutions like women suffrage, civil rights, apartheid, gay rights where initially one asks for basic human respect and dignity and then equality.

Freedom Comes in Decades, Lifetimes, Multi Generations?

Freedom is an elusive word. Some of us forget the ones who fought for our freedom, some of us who havefreedom from shackles freedom do not respect it enough. Most of us are still fighting for freedom in our own ways. Whether it is a spouse who is a victim of domestic violence and abuse fighting for their freedom OR an abducted victim fighting for their freedom OR nations fighting for their freedom OR sexual orientation based freedom OR race based freedom OR gender based freedom OR immigrants fighting for their freedom OR IVF parents fighting for their freedom OR fighting from freedom against secrecy and lies OR fighting for TRUTH.

Historically, all humans who went on to be remembered for their struggles which led into a freedom movement of its own have relied on ONE UNIVERSAL fact – TRUTH. Their demands may NOT be WELCOME at the time but over time even after their death, their demands remain CONSTANT because they were based on TRUTHIf you are LGBT and Black in America, what does freedom mean to you? If you are an immigrant and IVF parent in America, what does freedom mean to you? African-Americans are a minority and a bigger minority than being IMMIGRANT and IVF parent. So at least the mainstream media gets them exposure if no solutions to the issues. As an immigrant and IVF, we don’t even get exposure let alone solutions to our issues caused due to lack of laws. So while we DO NOT want to distract from the ongoing debate on minority RIGHTS in the USA, we want to “take LESSONS” from it. The FACT is IVF brother and sister are SEPARATED because they are IVF and immigrants. If they were NATURAL BORN or were born in the US, they would NOT be SEPARATED. A parent NEVER stops loving his children. And to fight for JUSTICE and a better FUTURE for your children is what every human has been doing for last 10000 years. Being human is NOT about having a career, a great home, a great car, a great status, it IS about building a better FUTURE – thats what humanity is all about or is it?

1) “I consider my nephew’s murder a hate crime,” he told me, his voice laced with bitterness. “They hated his success.” – said US Congressman Elijah Cummings.

Is Vedant, an IVF son, a citizen of India SEPARATED from his primary care provider and his only known biological family under forced silence and threats a HATE CRIME against IVF children and families? Is it because his IVF father is an immigrant and IVF parent? Even if inadvertent, this is the REALITY. What is the solution?

2) “We have famous names of outstanding achievement,” the Rev. Jesse Jackson told me. “We have LeBron. We have Jay Z. We have Barack Obama. But that is not a random sample. What matters is the undercurrent, and it’s pulling our people down.”

We have great names who are following the laws and saying the TRUTH like Edie Windsor, Tony Briffa, Jaclyn Schulz and are an inspiration to us all for their strength and courage to speak the truth. What matters is the undercurrent, and it’s pulling people down. It is what makes people SNATCH away someone else’s freedom to satisfy their personal gains including using secrecy and lies.

3) In June 2013, the US Supreme court issued opinions restricting the reach of affirmative action and the Voting Rights Act. Earlier this month, a jury in Sanford, Fla., acquitted George Zimmerman of all charges, accepting his claim that he had shot and killed a 17-year-old unarmed black youth named Trayvon Martin in self-defense. The 2012 shooting and the 2013 verdict divided the country, but united Black America around the reasonable fear that no black child — especially no black male — is safe from the assumption that he is somehow a threat to the civil order on any street he walks.

In another ruling in June 2013, the US Supreme Court struck down DOMA opening the doors to over a 1000 federal benefits for gay families like immigration for gay families. Also in June 2013, the US Senate passed a landmark immigration reform bill.

What is the validity of spousal LGBTI immigration before 2013 because it clearly shows it was illegal? Is it a crime to LIE and break the laws? Will IVF children of immigrant gay families now be allowed to immigrate to the US regardless of the parent’s gender?

In 2009, SEPARATION of two innocent immigrant IVF brother and sister born in an intersex family and the ONGOING CRISIS of SEPARATION with NO RELIEF for VICTIMS shows that NO IVF child – especially NO IVF child of an IVF father (based on gender) – is somehow a threat to the social order of parenting and should be removed from the father at ANY and ALL costs.

Freedom is elusive. Any loving parent will continue to FIGHT for their children. We fight because we are a parent and also because we are HUMAN. If someone’s human rights are being violated, someone needs to speak up especially if the victims are innocent, voiceless children. Anyone who has gone through IVF understands that IVF is not just a birth or depositing your sample at the IVF clinic, IVF is a JOURNEY. International IVF involving immigration laws (or lack thereof) is a tragedy and the secrecy and lying is abuse and torture because one cannot get relief as a victim without the TRUTH being shared. It’s a roller coaster ride of emotions, finances, upheavals in life, stress, loss of job, and the nail in the coffin is LOSS of the IVF child due to LACK of laws!

It may take weeks, months, years, decades, lifetimes, multi-generations, but it is a FIGHT for TRUTH owed to IVF children and ALL others yet to be born. We need EQUAL rights for IVF children and families NOW. In the interim, we are ready for FALSE accusations, persecution, defamation, injustice, secrecy, lies, a thousand lies to hide one lie, etc. We have already EXPERIENCED this and are somehow still surviving and alive.

It Could Have Been Me – US President Obama

US President Obama: Trayvon Martin Could Have Been Me

Not to distract from the case but instead to “take lessons” from it for other minorities dealing with infertility or acceptancedysfertility. It is about ACCEPTING our realities of today, so we can move forward with a solution for tomorrow.

1) “When Trayvon Martin was first shot, I said that this could have been my son. Another way of saying that is, Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago,” Obama said.

Vedant was separated from his IVF father and only known biological parent because of his father’s gender, a male. When Vedant is 35 years, ALSO a MALE like his father, and if he wants to become an IVF father, will he have EQUAL rights to love and enjoy with his IVF child?

Just like there is “soul searching” to do in race relations, there is “soul searching” to do in “parenting laws” AND true meaning of “best interest of the child”. 

“Become the change you want to see in this world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

2) “I think it’s important to recognize that the African-American community is looking at this issue through a set of experiences and a history that doesn’t go away,” Obama said. “There are very few African-American men in this country who haven’t had the experience of being followed when they were shopping in a department store. That includes me.”

Fathers are DEMONIZED and ALIENATED from their innocent children and this stereotype is USED against them and the children. It is important to recognize the issue of alienated fathers through a set of experiences and a history that doesn’t go away. There are very few ALIENATED children who have not experienced ABUSE at the hands of the ALIENATING parent even though somehow we justify it and NOT take any action against the ABUSIVE parent.

There is NO words to feel or describe the pain of being ALIENATED from your child, NOT even an apology from the government – just ask the mothers AND children from the baby scoop era.

What is alienation DOING to the innocent children?

3) He went on to recount instances when he had heard “the locks click on the doors of cars” as he walked down the street. African-American men are used to getting into an elevator and seeing a fellow passenger “clutching her purse nervously and holding her breath until she had a chance to get off,” he said. “I don’t want to exaggerate this, but those sets of experiences inform how the African-American community interprets what happened one night in Florida,” Obama said. “And it’s inescapable for people to bring those experiences to bear.”

If a woman had used her egg and with help of a sperm donor and surrogate to conceive IVF children, would the SIBLINGS be SEPARATED because of their parent’s GENDER? If a lesbian couple had an IVF child, would the immigration laws affect them adversely in 2009? If a gay couple or an intersex couple had an IVF child in 2009, are the immigration laws the SAME for them? No need to exaggerate this point, but the innocent IVF brother and sister are SEPARATED because of their biological parent’s GENDER and it’s inescapable for fathers to bring these experiences to bear regardless whether you are single father, gay father, intersex father, straight father.

Why FORCE innocent IVF brother and sister to grow up separately? Is it their “fault” to be born IVF? The lack of laws even if inadvertent are resulting in that REALITY.

Rosa Parks was TIRED of racism and she took a stand. A spouse caregiver of intersex was first LIED and CHEATED into a fraud marriage and now his IVF children are being LIED and CHEATED out of their innocent childhoods together. Sometimes we all need a SPARK like Ms. Parks in our lives to have the courage and strength to stand up against wrong and let TRUTH prevail even though it may not be “acceptable” at the time.

4) More generally, Obama lent support to the idea of creating a coalition — of business leaders, elected officials, celebrities, athletes — to address the need for African-American men to feel that they are “a full part of this society.”

IVF fathers regardless of sexual orientation also want to be a “full part of this society” and a “full part of their IVF child’s life”.

Will it take a powerful business leader, a celebrity, athlete, elected official to HIGHLIGHT the issues of IVF children and families? Or intersex families?

5) “If we’re sending a message as a society in our communities that someone who is armed potentially has the right to use those firearms, even if there’s a way for them to exit from a situation, is that really going to be contributing to the kind of peace and security and order that we’d like to see?” asked Obama.

If we are saying that if an intersex and infertile person can fraud unsuspecting, innocent victims, commit marriage fraud marriage, commit immigration fraud, abuse the spouse and child, abandon an IVF child making them STATELESS and placing them in a LEGAL LIMBO, and refuse the two siblings to meet and HAVE NO LEGAL REPURCUSIONS for the secrecy, lying and flagrant violations of multiple laws, is that the kind of society we want for our children? To teach them to lie and violate others’ rights? Instead isn’t it better to be someone like Edie Windosr and FIGHT for your RIGHTS and all others in the process? Or be like Tony Briffa and say the TRUTH and EARN the respect? Or be like Ms. Schulz, an openly MRKH woman inspiring others to be strong and have courage to say the TRUTH. Isn’t it better to live freely with truth than in secrecy and violating laws?

Intersex is a naturally occurring condition meaning more intersex children will be born. Do we want to raise them as a society with truth and respect or secrecy and lies?

Regardless of which side of the debate you are in – pro-life or pro-choice, pro-IVF or natural born children only, pro-LGBTI (Lesbian, Gay, Biexual, Transgender, Intersex) or against, pro-IVF or adoption or remain childless, and so many other variations. The FACT is the IVF child is BORN, now what, do they deserve EQUAL rights as HUMANS or not?

6) “I just ask people to consider if Trayvon Martin was of age and armed, could he have stood his ground on that sidewalk? And do we actually think that he would have been justified in shooting Mr. Zimmerman, who had followed him in a car, because he felt threatened? And if the answer to that question is at least ambiguous, it seems to me that we might want to examine those kinds of laws,” he added.

There was every INTENT to provide a sibling and it was a joint consent to have a second IVF child. If its a crime to ABANDON a natural born child, why is it NOT a crime to abandon an IVF child? Are the needs and rights of an IVF child LESS? What if there was NO second IVF child on the way, could Maulik have ENJOYED watching his IVF son grow up? What if the second IVF child had been declared in the US divorce filing and been ALLOWED to enter the US in 2009 and that way Maulik was NOT SPLIT into raising one child over the other. If there was no IVF Holocaust and if BOTH IVF children were in the US, could Maulik have defended himself and presented the FACTS to the court due to NO mitigating circumstances? Is this a case of fait accompli? Has the “best interest of the children” been honored?

If the answer is at least ambiguous, it seems that we ought to examine non-existence of laws for IVF children and families, intersex families.

Let us HOPE that we do NOT have to wait till 2039 (when Vedant turns 35) to get EQUAL rights for IVF children and families. I have faith our society can do better. In 2013, the US Supreme Court allowed gay marriage and federal benefits like immigration for gay families was allowed. If these laws existed in 2009, would Maulik have been able to UNITE his IVF children and NOT be separated?

What is it like living as an African American and LGBT in the US in 2013? What is it like living as an immigrant and IVF parent in the US? The answer to the latter is you live in EXILE outside the US because your IVF child is NOT welcome to the US or an IVF parent after all the struggles of infertility or dysfertility can ABANDON or give up the IVF child for ADOPTION outside the US and live a luxurious life in the US without their IVF child. What are the rights of the IVF child?

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

It Takes A Village

It takes a village to raise a child, in interdependent world” – Hillary Clinton, in her book It Takes A Village.

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court.

This is NOT about can an intersex person be a good parent, IT IS ABOUT:Equal Rights for ALL

1) A brother’s rights to grow up with his sister he wanted

2) A sister’s rights to NOT be abandoned and forcefully SEPARATED from her brother

3) A fast aging and loving grandmother who raised an innocent IVF child, their first grandson, to see him one last time before she happily passes on to another world

4) A fast aging and loving grandfather who raised an innocent IVF child, their first grandson, to see him one last time before he happily passes on to another world

5) A son’s love for his father who misses him dearly

6) A father who misses his son dearly and the times of lego, swimming, soccer, reading, cycling, eating, dreaming together about a little sibling among other things.

7) It is about the basic human rights and child rights of an innocent, voiceless IVF child to roam freely anywhere in the world for exposure, education and self-empowerment.

8) Should Vedant be afforded his VILLAGE?

Nothing reminds us more for EQUAL IVF CHILD RIGHTS when Medhavi lovingly feeds her little brother, is fascinated with his eyes, how the teeth are still coming, walks on four legs with him, sleeps together holding hands, helps him bathe, hugs, kisses, love, and so on…Why should these opportunities be STOLEN from VEDANT? 

It is NOT about GREATNESS, it is about fighting for TRUTH and EQUAL RIGHTS for others and yourself. When Maulik discovered his spouse was intersex at a fertility test to have a child, he did not deter. When the spouse decided to have a controversial “normalization surgery” during marriage which UN has called for a STOP, Maulik did not deter but went into the UNKNOWN and cared for the spouse in silence rather than leave like 83% of males do when a spouse is diagnosed with a major illness. When faced with infertility, as a bi-national immigrant to the US, Maulik did not deter, and had a child through IVF in India while living as immigrant in the US and thus US immigration laws kick in. Unfair, Unreasonable, Undeserved are all too common to Maulik in a dysfunctional intersex family but why are IVF SIBLINGS being punished by being FORCED to grow up SEPARATELY? Maulik suffered in silence and did not report the abuse, so punish him for not reporting the crimes and showing compassion, why PUNISH the innocent IVF brother and sister?

Lessons Learnt

1) Opting for IVF is personal, EQUAL IVF CHILD RIGHTS is a public policy issue and can only be had by speaking up.

2) Awarding EQUAL RIGHTS to intersex in silence where the LAWS fall short can be USED AGAINST you. Silence is golden but at what point silence becomes abuse, victimization and violation of others rights? Is SILENCE = VIOLENCE?

3) If an intersex person has custody of an IVF child, is it LEGAL or where any LAWS broken? Can it be REPEATED by another intersex person without lying or breaking any LAWS? What about equal rights for other intersex people?

4) If gay rights existed, the IVF siblings would be UNITED. Is it their FAULT to be born ahead of our times?

5) If gay rights existed, fathers would be seen as EQUAL LOVING PARENTS, is it Maulik’s FAULT to try to UNITE his IVF children?

6) If TRUTH were used in treating intersex during marriage, a controversial normalization surgery would have NEVER occurred as UN Special Rappoteur on Torture (SRT) recently released a statement to STOP such surgeries. It is interesting that “Torture” team took up this issue as a violation of human rights issue. What about violation of human rights of an intersex family including children because of this controversial surgery during a marriage?

7) Since the controversial “normalization surgery” NEVER occurred during a marriage, how can we discuss effects of “normalization surgery” in an intersex person and how long it takes to stabilize to become a primary care provider for a child? As per a recent UN Special Rapporteur on Torture statement, they asked for a STOP to such normalization surgery, something we have asked for several years based on first-hand experience.

8) People like Tony Briffa and Imogen Callaway are the leaders when it comes to intersex advocacy because of their honesty. We support EQUAL INTERSEX RIGHTS both morally and in action (as proven) as long as TRUTH and SENSITIVITY take the lead.

Sadly, there are narcissistic women as told by other women who will do anything.

A child belongs with his [biological] family” – then US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said on why Sean Goldman, a US Citizen child, should be UNITED with his father in the US. The same reason why Sean deserved to be UNITED with his father, Vedant, an Indian citizen, deserves to be UNITED with his father and sister and grandparents and family and cousins and TRUTH – his VILLAGE.

Solutions for the Future – IVF and Caregiver

Being a spouse in a dysfunctional intersex marriage takes a toll. Frankly, its great to be left alive. Speaking up for Be Differentyour own rights is every human’s right or is it? Speaking up for innocent, voiceless children’s rights is every parent’s right or is it? Will TRUTH be allowed to prevail? Will TRUTH be part of the solution for the future?

Looking for an Erin Brockowich or “Pam Landy” from the movie “The Bourne Ultimatum”. Anyone willing to give it ALL to uncover the TRUTH and provide relief to the VICTIMS?

Solution for IVF children

While we are witnessing an undercurrent of change in gay, lesbian, transgender rights as more states and countries are passing equal marriage laws, another minority is being ignored, IVF (in vitro fertilization) children. Infertile heterosexuals, single parents, lesbians, gays, intersex have three options to have a child.

1) Be childless or 2) Adopt or 3) Use technology like IVF to have a biological child if possible.

While heterosexual marriages have been legalized for centuries and hence the LAWS are well-established, children of such marriages also have well-established legal standing. Legal adoption also has been around for decades and so laws are well-established in the best interest of the children. What about IVF children of lesbians, gays, intersex families? If the parents are only getting rights now to marry legally, what is the status of their IVF children? As time moves forward in the 21st century, the number of IVF children are going to INCREASE. We need a solution.

As a spouse caregiver of intersex and an IVF father, its a minority within a minority. Being forced into silence and lie while all this occurred did not help. And now there are sections of the society who still want to force me into silence. It is important to speak up not for me only but more so for equal rights for my IVF children and others like us.

I am NOT anti-intersex. In fact, people like Tony Briffa and Imogen Callaway and other publicly declared intersex people are role models. Simple reason – they are asking for respect by being honest and truthful. At a personal level, I was cheated, frauded and made to live a life of secrecy and lies. NO MORE. At a legal level, the laws for this case are non-existent and as a result, my IVF children are being punished for our secrecy and lies. This case is more about living a life of thousand LIES rather than intersex or IVF and how secrecy and lies punishes innocent, voiceless victims.

Child is Born Illegally, Now What?

For those who claim intersex are women and its NO BIG DEAL, then why lie about it to a potential spouse? What about rights for my IVF daughter, a woman, who is in a state of LEGAL LIMBO? How can we begin to talk about “protecting legal rights” of someone when their legal status is in LIMBO? Does the innocent child have a right to human rights and child rights? Does the innocent child have rights to a legal identity? Does the innocent child have rights to get a passport? What are the responsibilities and accountability of an IVF commissioning parent when they authorize an IVF pregnancy but later change their mind and abandon it? Are we resorting to “baby making factories” with no respect for basic human decency and dignity? I want EQUAL RIGHTS for my IVF daughter, a WOMAN.

We have evidence and facts to show that my IVF child was brought into this world ILLEGALLY – part of the secrecy and lying agenda of a dysfunctional intersex family. Now where are her EQUAL rights as a human being? If a building is constructed illegally, the local government authorities will either destroy the building as illegal construction or provide a legal recourse through “penalties” to legalize the building. Well, an IVF child has been born illegally, should we destroy her or should we provide a legal recourse to “legalize” her?


For those who claim compassion for an infertile and intersex person, was it compassion when a fraud marriage was allowed to continue AFTER it was revealed during the marriage that the person is intersex? Again, the issue is NOT intersex, the issue is lying, cheating and fraud from a personal level. From a legal level, the LAWS do not consider it a legal marriage, so the right answer is to fight for EQUAL rights rather than going around and lying, cheating, and frauding innocent, unsuspecting victims.

Was it compassion enough to stay in a fraud marriage and become a young, male, spouse caregiver in silence and secrecy and respecting the intersex person’s wishes? By the forced secrecy and lying, I was DENIED help and support. Second, the same lies and secrecy are being USED AGAINST me and my IVF children to SEPARATE us today. If the intersex person is a butterfly today, me and my IVF child have witnessed the ugly larvae stage of transition after the Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) during marriage and the Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) following it. Not reporting the crimes of abuse and violence albeit due to medications is today being USED AGAINST me and my IVF children to SEPARATE us. Being a primary care provider for my infant child during these times in silence were some of the best days of my life regardless of my gender. How many young, male, spouse caregivers of intersex do you know? Actions are more powerful than words, we have shown every respect to intersex, probably more so than the medical community who treats them. There are several intersex individuals who have been forced into this surgery which UN Special Rapportuer on Torture called for a STOP followed by a complex web of institutionalized secrecy and lies. They either had this surgery as a child or an adult but how many intersex people had this surgery DURING a marriage? Are there any scientific studies on the effects of this surgery DURING a marriage? Does the spouse have ANY RIGHTS to the truth and effects of this surgery DURING a marriage? Or is he a hostage and a slave to the intersex rights movement and now as a result so are his innocent, voiceless IVF children? Blame the medical system, not the compassionate spouse who did the best a human could do given the deck of cards dealt to him. Have we followed the Yogyakarta principles for LGBTI before they were written?

After years of silence, abuse, violence, lies, victimization, it is our turn to ask for COMPASSION and respect for LAWS. Show us COMPASSION and make a statement NOT against intersex but AGAINST lying and disrespect for LAWS. Show us that TRUTH is appreciated and is the right way forward. Years of secrecy and lying has led to punishment for innocent, voiceless IVF children. NO MORE.

Sometimes as a heterosexual IVF father, I feel it may be better off being “gay” in 2013 for the sake of my IVF children. Personally, I would continue to live as an heterosexual but publicly I would represent being gay so that my IVF children would get their EQUAL rights. Because in 2013, a gay father with IVF children is celebrated and has all the sympathies and compassion but a heterosexual IVF father has his children SEPARATED. How does the gender or sexual orientation of a parent matter in securing EQUAL child rights? Being a primary care provider for my infant child during these unique times in silence were some of the best days of my life regardless of my gender. Socially, we do need to evolve to accept the TRUTH.

Punish me for NOT reporting the crimes and abuse and for showing compassion and send a message accordingly  for the future. But please SPARE my innocent, voiceless IVF children and allow them to grow up together rather than separating them and punishing them who have committed NO CRIMES. As any passionate and loving parent, thats my prayer on behalf of my children.

Fairy Tales and Best Interest of the Child

Throughout history, we have had our shares of horror step-parenting tales like “Cinderella” or “Snow White” or UglyHeart-PrettyFace“Hansel and Gretel” or “Rapunzel” and the list goes on. The typical fairy tale is about the “best  interest of the child” and how these stories help them navigate through the world WITHOUT their birth parents. Most are written where the victim is a child, typically a girl child and the perpetrator is a stepmother. How do we reconcile this in a world of in vitro fertilization (IVF)? Who is the mother? Is it the egg donor, the surrogate or the intended mother? In a case where the IVF is commissioned by two genetic males, who is the “mother”? As times are changing, we have to change with it. Just like the marketing powers to be slowly started making adverts which included African Americans and the related toys like African American “doll”, books, movies, shows with positive African American characters followed. Not that there were no good role models in the African American community before the adverts or the shows but it needed to be highlighted. Sometimes thats how we learn TRUTH and FACTS.

With changing times, should we be changing our “fairy tales”? Should we have fairy tales for gay parenting or lesbian parenting or intersex parenting? Obviously, such parents are NOT even accepted widely and neither are there LAWS to support such parenting everywhere, how can we talk about making it “mainstream”? So if a fertile straight guy has a child with an intersex person through IVF, is that a symbol of something good or bad in our society? Should others be encouraged to do the same or should the intersex people continue to be oppressed? Ironically, intersex children are abused as per UN Special Rapporteur on Torture in a complex web of secrecy and lies at the hands of the medical professionals and sometimes parents. Why REPEAT this failed approach of secrecy and lies on IVF children?

The Fairy Tales

Like Hansel and Gratel, should the brother and sister be discarded? And will the spineless father go along with the “stepmother’s” wish? Thankfully, our life is NOT as cruel and such wishes of a stepmother cannot be entertained. Or are they? Should innocent IVF siblings never have a chance to visit each other in childhood? What is the Child’s Best Interest?

Like Rapunzel, should the child be locked up from rest of the world with NO travel outside the US? Travel is a key learning and development tool, especially in the world of globalization. Should the rest of the world be forced to LIE to the innocent child? How will the child know the TRUTH and fight for his OWN rights? And eventually when he does find out the TRUTH, what will he feel like? What is the Child’s Best Interest?

Should the IVF father be spineless like the father of Cinderella, Rapunzel and Hansel and Gratel? Or should he be HONEST and RESPECT the laws and seek justice for both his IVF children? Or should he abandon the IVF children? What is of utmost importance is NOT intersex or infertility but the TRUTH and respect for law. If justice is based on truth and prevailing laws, then how do we reconcile SPLITTING IVF children from biological family of a binational immigrant dysfunctional intersex family? What is the Child’s Best Interest?

Reality in the 2000s

Mothers are great and are the primary care provider in every way. It is NOT the meals they serve or the clothes they dress up a child with or the books they provide for the child or thousands of other things but it is the loving and caring nurture of the parent that defines “primary care provider”. Above all, it is done with unconditional love and with TRUTH. Lying is NOT utilized and lies are NOT repeated to hide one lie. Ann Pettway kidnapped a girl child at the tender age of 19 days only for the child to figure out the TRUTH eventually. Assuming Ms. Pettway loved the innocent girl child and provided her food, clothes, toys, home, education, development, but does it make it right? David Goldman was reunited with his son after 5 years even though he was being raised by his maternal biological grandparents with love who provided clothes, food, shelter, education, and other development needs. Wasn’t that enough? Freedom is critical. And TRUTH provides freedom. That is the Best Interest of the Child.

Let us HOPE and PRAY that TRUTH prevails and the “happy ending” for the children in this case is like their counterparts in the fairy tales. Punishing the innocent is worst form of injustice. Being “invisible” in the eyes of law creates an uphill path to seek justice. Let us hope a “prince charming” or “the dying of the witch” or the “truth” comes to the rescue of innocent and voiceless IVF children.

An IVF Father

While the IVF father has been conveniently FORCED out from his IVF son’s life with a Nazi like choice as in the Hollywood depicted movie, Sophie’s choice of having to choose one kid Vs. the other. He is a proud IVF father meaning someone who used their sperm and had an IVF child with help of egg donor and surrogate much like a woman who  would use her egg to have an IVF child with help of a sperm donor and surrogate. The IVF father hopes that even though he is “dead” to his IVF son, like Cinderella planting a tree on her mother’s grave granting her wishes, maybe the IVF father can convey his love, values and care for his IVF son. When he grows up, if he wants to marry an infertile and/or intersex person and have an IVF child, there should be honesty between the two and respect for the laws. Lying and breaking the laws will lead to the current situation.