Tag Archives: law

Justified Discrimination of IVF Children

For ALL those who say that no crimes have been committed against an abandoned innocent IVF child, we invite you to have the courage and strength toDiscrimination-IVF-Open your eyes look a 4 year old IVF child in her big brown eyes and say the same thing. Your mind, your heart, your humanity will render you speechless and force you to do the RIGHT THING which is to stop this discrimination of IVF. Every human life is sacred including an innocent IVF child who is used as a “tool” to secure their sibling by splitting them. Having anti-IVF laws is one thing but to use them against innocent, voiceless IVF children takes it to whole different level. Even if no IVF laws were broken (since they do not exist), were human rights violated, were innocent children abused, was there endangerment of the welfare of innocent IVF children deliberately, was there malicious and deliberate intent to split innocent IVF brother and sister, was there fraud, was there perjury, was there lying, was there breaking of laws, is it a crime against the humanity of the innocent IVF children? The right answer is to never have this happen again to any innocent IVF child. People who are pedophiles or murderers or criminals may also be parents and may also be good parents but they still are criminals. IVFphiles are people who place an “order” for an IVF child and then later abandon them once born with no responsibility or accountability towards the child – is that a crime against the humanity of the innocent, voiceless IVF child? What is the justice for innocent IVF children to move forward – stay in legal limbo and grow up separated for no fault of theirs or be united and grow up together as intended? The biggest jurors are the innocent IVF children and everyone else is either a messenger or an agent of change because the biggest punishment is on the innocent IVF siblings for crimes they did not commit – look in their eyes and then decide.

Even after 60 years, sibling bonds stay strong like the unions between North and South Koreans showing that NO government can split siblings.

Regardless of time, abandoning IVF children is a crime against their humanity today and will remain so forever. Splitting innocent IVF siblings will never be the right solution, apologies like for the “baby scoop era” may follow decades later only to prove the decision to split the innocent IVF siblings for crimes they did not commit was wrong. Copernicus and Galileo had a tough time convincing people of the scientific facts over 500 years ago and they were even persecuted at first but over the years and decades their truth prevailed. The 99.99% people who opposed them all came to accept the universal truth. Its been over 1600 days since the IVF siblings have wrongfully been split and even after 16000 days, it will still be wrong.

The current situation of lack of laws for IVF children and families is like placing a staircase in front of a wheelchair bound person. We need a ramp which is to provide equal rights to IVF children and families.

In a recent US Department of State announcement, gestational mothers who carried their IVF children to term who were conceived through donor eggs and sperm will be considered “at par” with birth mothers for immigration. More importantly, their IVF children will be given equal rights. When will there be equal rights for immigrant IVF fathers and his IVF children? 

Allowing a person to live freely and truthfully is the single-biggest human right regardless of the era and discrimination in different forms has always been around only to be defeated.

  • In the 1800s, if you were black in the US and did not want to be a slave OR
  • if you did not want to become a Sati in India OR
  • in 1900s during the women suffrage movement, women wanted equal pay for equal work (a struggle ongoing even after a hundred years) OR
  • the various colonies wanting freedom from their imperialists OR
  • the Jews wanting freedom from the atrocities of Holocaust OR
  • the civil rights movement in the US simply wanting equal treatment based on who they are and not based on color of the skin OR
  • the single mothers whose biological children were forcefully taken away from them during the baby scoop era only because “singlehood” was not socially acceptable OR
  • the apartheid movement in South Africa OR
  • the gay rights movement in 2000s.

There has ALWAYS been DISCRIMINATION of sorts and as a humanity we solve one thing at a time often too slowly for some innocent victims with no relief or justice.

While we are struggling as human beings to move forward towards equality for all, cannibalizing others human rights especially innocent children is NO way to achieve one’s own human rights. If it is a crime to discriminate based on race, familial status, religion, sex, national origin, age or disability, then why is it NOT a crime to discriminate based on birth type – natural born Vs. IVF born?

The first step to ANY discrimination is acceptance. However as human psychology unfolds, it sometimes takes years, decades, centuries before enough humans ACCEPT the discrimination. Till then there is DENIAL, DENIAL, DENIAL and various logical and legal arguments presented to justify the discrimination. In the end truth prevails! Its 2014, and what is the state of the union for IVF discrimination?

Eunuchs Bless People To Have A Child…

In India and several other countries, Eunuchs have been a celebrity. In today’s world, Eunuchs bless people to have a child since they cannot. Its the Human Rightsphilosophy of good karma…do good to others even if nature was not as nice. Regardless, an Eunuch is infertile and sadly cannot have a child. So instead of blessing you with a child, what if you bless an Eunuch with a child? There are also not so many nice things that happen to Eunuchs today in a post-British India. Eunuchs were a somewhat of a celebrity and were part of a powerful inner circle in a pre-British India.

Today, Eunuchs have minimal human rights. They cannot legally marry. They cannot legally adopt or have a child any other way since they are infertile. What does an Eunuch do to have a child at any and all costs? And how did the plights of Eunuchs get this way? India traditionally has been a collection of princely kingdoms or monarchies. “Heir” is very important and having a child is very important. The knowledge to run societies acquired over years, decades, centuries, millenia in India, it is believed that a person may be the most righteous and loyal except when it comes to his/her children. Then even the strongest become frail. Since Eunuchs are infertile, kings and queens see loyalty in them as they have no children to be disloyal/corrupt for. For decades, centuries, Eunuchs were the de facto loyal and royal servant in the king and queen private chamber. The king also felt comfortable in having a Eunuch as a companion for his wife, the queen so that there are no chances of cheating. Some families who were very poor with no ray of hope forcibly castrated one of their sons and turned him into an Eunuch just so that he could get a job in the royal palace and thereby uplifting the economic status of their family. With access to the royal chambers and some of the most private moments of kings or queens, Eunuch commanded a lot of power by having the ruler’s ear. Then how did this group of people who were living in the best of places get shunted to being homeless? They went from being everywhere in power to no basic human rights?

Today, Eunuchs in India will Bless people so that they are blessed with a child. What if you try to share a child to an Eunuch, does the child have human rights, does the fertile spouse who shares a child have rights? Secrecy, lies, fraud don’t help anyone, not an individual nor a government. The pre-British Indian way of handling Eunuchs was far better. Its natural, they exist, they cannot bear a child, you live happily anyway. More importantly, you do not pass laws to make their existence illegal or ostracize them, you include them in your economy and allow them to live honestly. Perhaps innocent lives can be saved too that way? Parents of Eunuchs have to lie today Vs. parents back then forcibly castrated their sons to make them an Eunuch. Innocent siblings are split today Vs Eunuchs formed a sisterhood or brotherhood and at least felt the love of a fellow human being that way closer to them.

Whatever we say about India, Eunuchs exist, they have an identity, they are recognized as the third gender which is being truthful and society has carved out a special role for them to play. Allowing a person to live honestly and truthfully is the single biggest human right. The weight of secrecy, lies, fraud eventually catches up.

When the British came to India and started passing laws, they brought with them British laws. In 1860, the British passed a law in India which made it illegal to have “unnatural sex” which banned gays, lesbians, and Eunuchs from having sex. The respect and recognition given to Eunuchs for years, decades, centuries, millenia in the pre-British Indian culture had been taken away and forced a British version. This part of the law is known as Section 377 in the Indian constitution and in 2014 the Indian Supreme Court upheld it saying changing laws is job of the Parliament. That does not mean they agree or disagree with Section 377. However lot of people made a lot of hype about how backward this was without knowing that it was the British who gave this law to India. Indians have always been welcoming of the truth and integrating people of all walks into the fabric of society. Wonder what a Britisher had to say about the ruling of Section 377  in 2014?

If Section 377 was not enough, in 1871, the British introduced another law, the Criminal Tribes Act where a person of certain tribes in India had to submit to local police surveillance with no warrant, search and seizure with no warrant, etc. In 1897, the act was amended with the title itself, “An Act for the Registration of Criminal Tribes and Eunuchs”. Here if you were an Eunuch, you had to register yourself to the police. The title of the Act itself is offensive and discriminatory in 2014 but in 1897 it was not. Using a combination of these two acts, Section 377 from 1861 and the Criminal Tribes Act of 1897, the Eunuchs were systematically ostracized and forced to live farther away from the community at large at the outskirts or outside a city. Perhaps this is where the current state of Eunuchs in India can best be understood. Compared to the pre-British era, eunuchs in India in 2014 have very few human rights. They largely make a living by singing, dancing, begging, some are sadly sex workers. Overall their economic status is very bad – a far cry from from the royal palaces just a few centuries ago.

What is the State of the Union for IVF children and families?

It’s 2014, is it too early to ask for Equal Treatment Under Law for IVF children and families? What is the State of the Union for IVF children and IVF-state-of-the-unionfamilies? If you do the deeds (IVF), you will know the needs (lack of laws).

By not having these laws, the state of the union for IVF children and families are:

1) If there is a DNA mismatch where the sperm sample accidentally got swapped in the clinic, should there be a legal framework where the intended parent can still take the IVF child like a loving parent and have the opportunity to raise them?

2) If a “genetic link” is required between a US parent and a child born outside the US, how will an infertile or dysfertile person who is middle-class ever get a child legally in the US? Is this how US society defines a “parent” or are the Immigration laws not in sync? Can someone misuse this discrepancy and hurt innocent IVF children?

3) If a person gives consent to IVF child and then later changes their mind, thats their right but should there also be laws to hold the adult accountable and responsible for bringing the innocent IVF child into the world and then abandoning them?

4) If a gay or lesbian couple decide to do surrogacy/IVF and only one of the parents has a”genetic link” and during the ongoing iVF pregnancy, what if the the “genetic parent” decides they don’t want the child and files divorce? If the “non-genetic parent” still wants a child, can they legally get the child to the US? What are the rights of the innocent, voiceless IVF child who is now abandoned? What are the rights of an IVF child who is born during a divorce? Do they have same rights as natural born children of an ongoing divorce?

Are these choices representative of a civilized society which also includes a minority population of infertile or dysfertile parents to be? This discrimination needs to stop and the “legal disability” created for IVF families needs to be removed by simply providing laws which have caught up with technology. The lack of laws for IVF children and families is like placing a staircase in front of a wheelchair bound person.

What happens from a “legal perspective” when there is a DNA mismatch?

Given the local laws like in India, an IVF child born to “foreign parents” in India is not considered an Indian citizen despite being born to an Indian citizen surrogate in India. Depending on the “accidental swap”, the “genetic parent” is most likely also another foreigner meaning this law is still applicable. This means an IVF child is land-locked in India but is NOT an Indian citizen. What are the rights of the innocent IVF child? Are they stuck in IVF purgatory?

Instead of playing blame games, it is better to embrace science, truth and facts. Some of the brightest scientific minds like Einstein and Madam Curie made some of the most popular scientific and technological discoveries and innovations by “accident”. Thats how science works and wherever “human hand” is involved. Humans make mistakes, get over it but to punish innocent IVF children for that is inhumane. Let us UNITE in the best interest of all IVF children and families. The right answer is to have adequate laws to address these issues so that adults are held responsible and accountable without endangering the welfare of innocent children. Thats the humane thing to do. Even after all the finger pointing and blame games have subsided – whether years, decades or whatever – the solution will remain the same – its inevitable.

Most people may have front-row seats or sideline seats to the “IVF story”, become a part of it and then one will realize how painful a tragedy it is to be faced with the option of ABANDONING an IVF child after all the years of struggle, anxiety, stress, sleepless nights, and so on. Drain on financial and legal resources is one thing but the inhumanity against your child as a parent is going to rattle any parent – IVF or not. The right answer for the “front-row” and “sideline” is to offer their support to the minority because thats how democracy works through support of majority on issues which do not affect them directly but are humane to other minorities.

It is upto each one of us whether we are Sandy Hatte or Ann Pettway or Edie Windsor? Dealing with the remnants of my innocent, voiceless IVF children who are split and in legal limbo is an issue that can be solved with education and awareness and not secrecy and lies.

One Thing I Cannot give my IVF children

Legally, I cannot give a sister to my son and a big brother to my daughter because I am an IVF parent and an IVF family must be punished and discriminated. Innocent, voiceless children must be ivf-child-2014-equal-rights-lawspunished because for crimes they did not commit and for being born through IVF. January 12 is World Daughter Day and today let us celebrate all daughters – future sisters, wives, mothers, aunts and maybe someday there will be IVF children day when world is more accommodating. In 2014, having children through compassion from anonymous egg donor and surrogate is such a terrible crime that the innocent IVF brother and sister must be punished for crimes they did not commit. I kept my IVF son’s dream to have a sibling. A father’s dream should become his innocent children’s nightmare because he dared to be compassionate and wanted to have children. I have a dream…that someday siblings will be able to grow up together happily despite their primary care provider being a father. I have a dream…that the love and character of a parent counts more than gender of a parent.

I gave a piece of myself, I gave multiple sleepless nights, I fought with infertility in a marriage, I gave multiple international lonely trips to have a child through IVF, I sought help and compassion of other women including egg donors and surrogates, I stayed persistent and kept trying despite multiple failed IVF attempts, I am responsible for my children, I physically had two IVF children but one thing I cannot give my IVF children is a physical hug, kiss, embrace, love, companionship of a brother and sister. One thing I cannot give my IVF children is a valid legal identity. One thing I cannot give my IVF children is freedom because I am an IVF parent. I miss him on missing out because of my gender.

I have hit the pavement, endeared abuses in your name, endeared abuses in my name because I dared to have children through IVF, I have seen doors slammed in my face because I ask for your IVF child rights, I have seen offensive and abusive legal language in prevailing laws against IVF children and families, I have felt that doing IVF is a crime, I have felt that having IVF children is a crime, I have felt that my IVF children should be punished like criminals. No one’s innocent children are criminals just based on their birth type – it is discrimination. Just like discrimination that occurred during slavery, women suffrage, civil rights, colonialism, apartheid, gay rights and so on. If the laws have not caught up with technology, it is a legislative issue, that does not mean innocent IVF children are criminals. NO “parent” including a traditional parent or a statesperson of a country or an entrepreneur or a politician for the lack of laws likes to hear their “baby” called ugly. Why is it OK to treat an IVF child without basic human dignity or respect?

While most US family courts are based on love and character of a parent, the US Immigration laws are based on biology and gender of a parent – a stark contradiction. While most US family courts consider the woman who gave birth to the child as the mother, the US immigration laws require a genetic link which means a surrogate in an IVF child is immaterial as per US laws – a stark contradiction. While most US family courts consider a child born during a marriage as a “child of the marriage”, the US immigration laws consider an IVF child as “child born out of wedlock” – a stark contradiction. While US family courts would see that a person is a caring primary care provider for his child regardless of the parent’s gender being male, the US immigration law requires an immigrant father to have a “US mother” to bring an IVF child to the US – a stark contradiction.

Since US Immigration laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and child born outside the US, here are some thoughts.

1) Should infertile parents take their 9-month term pregnant surrogate to the nearest US consulate or Embassy to give birth to their US citizen child to bypass the immigration laws?

2) Should infertile parents be treated like military families who give birth to their child born outside the US but due to circumstances are deployed outside of the US?

3) Should innocent children of Americans who dare to innovate and think outside the box be punished because of their parents actions?

4) Do infertile middle-class Americans who are infertile deserve to be childless as per laws requiring a “genetic link”?

Reproduction is a human right and regardless of laws, people are going to continue and try to procreate with the tools available. How do we protect the innocent children? Do fruits of fertility treatments like IVF children deserve equal respect and protection under the laws? Is it time for laws to catch up with technology?

While every child is special, an IVF child is coming together of more than just two parents. It embodies the best of humanity. Dehumanizing and disrespecting an IVF child is also disrespecting the best of humanity starting with the innocent IVF child.

Abandoning an IVF Child

No Justice, No Peace.

There are lot of ways to solve infertility but to create an IVF child and then to abandon the child is NOT a solution to fertility issues. If it’s a crime to abandon a child, if its a crime to commit foeticide or infanticide, why is it NOT a crime against the IVF child to be abandoned? If aabandoning-children-ivf father is made to pay child support for a child even if he did not want the pregnancy, similarly, if an IVF child is conceived with consent of both parents then where is the responsibility and accountability towards the IVF child when an IVF parent abandons an unwanted IVF pregnancy? IVF parents do not have the luxury of instant gratification but have to wait years and multiple failed attempts before being blessed with a child and then only to have that child abandoned? Or do IVF children have less rights than others and its OK to discriminate because of their birth type? Are we that barbaric? Every child is equal and deserves the basic human dignity and respect. Regardless of whether you are an IVF parent or not, as any parent, what would you do to this level of indifference and discrimination towards your child and somehow your child is “LESS”? Where is the sensitivity for IVF children and are they a “commodity? Intended parents who commission IVF pregnancy but later abandon “it” are a threat to the welfare of the abandoned IVF child as an IVFphile. When the IVF child is placed in legal limbo, is that a crime against humanity from the innocent child’s perspective? Is the only way to have a child is to abandon another child? Is the abandoned child an equal human and have equal rights? Why should IVF parents be forced to discriminate against their own IVF children? Isn’t it better to instead have equal laws and protection for all children? If there are stringent international adoption laws in the best interest of the child, how come no similar international laws for IVF/surrogacy children? Are IVF children LESS of a child?

When an IVF parent asks for rights of their IVF children – people, legal system, law enforcement authorities and other people in power often CONFUSE the messenger (IVF parent) as the one who is asking for rights. There are rights of an adult and then there are SEPARATE rights of a child, specifically an IVF child. Most “laws” are written based on “genetic link” and “gender” of parent which is that of “female”. So if a male has an IVF child with help of compassionate women like egg donor and surrogate, the IVF parent, the male has NO rights. And therefore, the IVF child has NO rights because a “legal mother” does not have a “genetic link”. Is the child a victim or have the laws not caught up? And if this is too soon for our times, how does that make it OK to punish an innocent child for that? Like every other wall, like the Berlin wall, walls are broken down with the power of truth. Creating walls between siblings is not the right answer. Solving one’s fertility problems by splitting IVF siblings – fruits of the very fertility treatment is not the answer. With time, every wall will be broken including secrecy, lies and breaking laws. What will be the answer for the innocent children for the abuse, separation and denial of their rights?

Historically, the fertility wars have centered around the struggle of infertile parents. Stereotypically, infertility used to be only a “woman” issue and still is in most places even though 30% of men have fertility issues. But let us blow science and facts away. In very rare circumstances, we see a trace number of stories on the struggle of a gay couple to have a child or a single father to have a child or a single father raising children and so on. There are probably more cases than reported. These stereotypes are hurting innocent children. Most parents are fertile and don’t have to wait for years and live through multiple failed IVF attempts before being blessed with an IVF child and then only to have that IVF child abandoned.  The bigger point is what about the IVF child – the fruits of fertility treatment? Does it matter to the IVF child whether they are born to a infertile “woman” or “man” or “couple” or “gay” or “lesbian” or “straight” parents or does the love suffice? What is the point in the fertility war to be extended by denying the rights of an IVF child? What is the point in the fertility war being extended by placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo?

It is not offensive to talk about infertility and IVF. It is not offensive to talk about the lack of laws for IVF children and families. It is not offensive to talk about the domino effects of years of secrecy, lying and breaking the laws. What is offensive is your child being punished for crimes they did not commit. What is offensive is the ongoing discrimination based on birth type and somehow its OK? If it is illegal to discriminate based on birth, race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, then why is it OK to discriminate based on birth type? For natural born children, we don’t go around naming the “sexual positions” on how a child was conceived, then why do we need to make an explicit mention of the “conception method” for a child born out of fertility treatment?

We are years if not decades far away to grasp the issues of IVF children and families. Until then, do we continue to victimize innocent IVF children?

If you have not lived the deeds of the fertility war with its lack of laws then you do not know the needs of the infertile or dysfertile families.

IVF Children Need Rescue

As per CDC data, 1 in 6 couples are infertile. 100% of all LGBTI couples and single parents can only have children through IVF orIVF child rescue adoption. The laws are based on biology and gender of a parent, are the laws 21st century compliant or are they trailing? Is the inaction to pass laws placing innocent children in legal limbo and need rescuing? Is the lack of laws creating stateless innocent children? Is there a voice for the voiceless?

US law requires a “genetic link” for a parent to bring a child to the US when the child is born outside the US. Due to affordability, several middle class Americans go abroad to have children through IVF technology. The lack of laws situation is placing some innocent IVF children in harm’s way leading to abuse of their human rights and child rights. Is that right? Is throwing the book of laws at an IVF parent and thereby condemning the innocent IVF child the right answer? The only thing between a foreign born IVF child and a parent in the US is NOT money, NOT love but a few words in the English language called “laws”. What good are these human made laws if it cannot protect the most innocent of the victims – the IVF children? What good are these laws if they cannot ensure a voice for the voiceless? As Madiba said, if one can learn to hate then that means they can also learn to love. Similarly, if laws are getting outdated where inadvertently are endangering the welfare of a child, then laws can be changed to endure and protect the welfare of innocent IVF children also. Or maybe Madiba had it wrong and the ones who throw the book of laws have it right, I suppose only time will tell just like apartheid was broken down by Madiba.

The question is not whether help will arrive for IVF children and families in terms of equal laws but the question is “when”? When a sperm sample is accidentally swapped in an IVF clinic and the DNA test fails after 9 months when the IVF child is born, should the IVF child be separated from their intended parent and placed in an orphanage? During an ongoing IVF pregnancy, if the biological parent decides no longer to have a child and abandons the IVF pregnancy, what rights does the non-biological parent have to the IVF child? Can they bring the IVF child to the US legally? Does the child deserve to go to an orphange? As mentioned earlier, 100% of all LGBTI and single parents who opt for IVF will have a situation where one of the parents is “non-biological”. How do the laws plan to address these issues? Or is the message to fill up orphanages with abandoned IVF children because we could not agree on changing a few words in English called laws? Or is the message to place innocent IVF children in legal limbo and condemn and punish them due to no fault of theirs? Or is the message to shove this under the carpet and pretend it did not happen? When the critical mass is enough, innocent IVF children will ask questions and wonder where were the laws to protect their “best interests” and human rights?

It is time to stand up for what’s right and the right answer is to ensure and protect all IVF children and treat them as equals. If two parents abuse their child within the four walls of their house, is it a crime? The government and laws make it a crime and take appropriate action against the criminals and save the innocent children. Why are the laws and government silent on this issue of innocent IVF children? Where is the voice for the voiceless? Who is going to rescue the innocent IVF children?

It sucks to be an immigrant intersex infertile family with no laws in 2000s. It is one thing to remain silent and be invisible as adults but to repeat the abuse on innocent IVF children is a crime. One way to deal with it is to make the best of it through every trauma in forced secrecy and lies including breaking laws or come clean when the lies catch up and are hurting innocent children whom you love. The issue in this case is not intersex, the issue is secrecy, lying and breaking the laws. There are people like Claudia or Robin or Angelina or Dr. Elana or someone else as this blogs suggests. The choice is truth Vs lies. The choice is to continue to break the laws or change the laws. The choice is to love a child so much that his freedom is not held hostage for personal joy and one can see the child soar like an eagle Vs child abuse and human rights abuse.

From the Perspective of the IVF Child

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and so is love. Secrecy and lying cannot go in tandem with love. What is on the inside is what counts, MRKH IVF Childrennot the outside beauty.  When one sees a 9 year old IVF son on Skype forlorn, lonely and confused with his realities and when one sees a 4 year old IVF sister who cannot get a legal identity, it begs the question, who/what/where/when is INFERTILITY all about? Is infertility about adults OR do IVF children who are a product of infertility also count?

Our objective is to get to a place where there are equal rights for IVF children and families and there is respect for basic human decency if not equal and stop the discrimination. For this the truth has to be told so that change can happen. Denial of facts is a crime to the victims.

The fact is we have an intersex family who are immigrants to the US and also have children through IVF in the 2000s. Neither there are equal laws for intersex nor for immigrant IVF families, so does that mean we should punish innocent IVF children by placing them in legal limbo? We will accept that intersex is very traumatic, we will accept that intersex surgery is very traumatic, we will accept that an intersex person deserves all the compassion as they are going through an emotional, mental, physical, physiological, spiritual change – every change imaginable for a human. It is truly very traumatic – we were there, is there any trauma and abuse to be forced to go through this alone and in silence? Maybe someday intersex surgeries will be treated on par as other medical conditions like breast cancer or ovarian cancer or prostate cancer or testicular cancer or Alzheimers and so on so that caregivers are allowed to seek support without offending the patients. Living in secrecy and lying including breaking the laws is not the answer and especially not the answer when it is used against innocent children. We cannot accept that the child is NOT born through IVF because it would be lying and it would take away the humanity of several people including compassionate donors and surrogates. We cannot accept that the intersex person recovering from the medical treatment was the primary care provider of an innocent IVF child because it would continue to hide the facts, the abuse, the torture and take away the fact that a deep bond was formed between the father and son because he was the primary care provider.

If the intersex person wants to continue to lie and claim the child is NOT born through IVF whom they have no biological link with as an immigrant, that’s their choice because legally it benefits them. How does it benefit the innocent IVF child? Why can’t he live freely? Why can’t he meet his sister? Why can’t he grow up with his primary care provider? Why does an innocent IVF girl child have to be abandoned and lose her legal identity because an adult who is infertile wants to LIE and break the laws? It is one thing to abuse, torture, force silence, secrecy on an adult but it is totally different to repeat the lies, secrecy, abuse, breaking the laws against innocent children.

Now that Germany has legally started recognizing intersex as “third gender”, there will be more awareness of the real-life issues that intersex families face. First of course we will need to legalize intersex marriage so that there are legal intersex families. If a woman was married to an intersex person, had an IVF child using her own egg, donor sperm and a surrogate, and then raised the IVF child as the primary care provider, would the LAW take away that child from her when the intersex person files divorce? The fact is we have male, female, and intersex as Germany as recognized. Then why lie? To be clear the issue is not intersex people cannot be loving parents, the issue is LYING. When a person is undergoing medical treatment in secrecy, can they use that against the parent and child to separate them?

As time elapses, the medical treatment stabilizes and the same physical intersex person may be a very different person a few years later. But did it come at a cost? Is the cost equal to a son being taken away from his primary care provider? Is the cost equal to abandoning an innocent IVF girl child? Is the cost equal to splitting two IVF siblings? It is not that biological parents love their children more than non-biological parents but the reverse should fertile parents be forced to give up their child to an infertile parent? Every human has a right to have a child and so does every child have the right to be treated equally. When IVF children are placed in legal limbo due to selfishness and personal benefit of an adult – fertile or otherwise, intersex, male, female or otherwise, straight or gay, it is a CRIME for the child. There is NO love in that. There is no beauty in that.

Its a challenge to anyone to come look in my innocent children’s eyes and say their being SPLIT UP is LOVE. And if you are a parent and if this does not raise your hair, what will? Thankfully you may be fertile and have never had to go through infertility or IVF, but what if you did cross those roller-coasters and then what if your IVF child was placed in legal limbo? What would you do as a parent, as a human being?

Hello, I am Infertile or Dysfertile – Should I Break the laws or Change the laws?

You read that right, are reproductive rights a basic human right? Is their an “I” in infertility during marriage or it affects both spouses? If you are a gay Fertility4Allor a lesbian or an intersex couple, is infertility or dysfertility an issue only for one spouse? As we step into the 21st century, with same-sex marriages or unions being legalized and more widely accepted, will there be a surge in children with only one biological parent? There are a host of fertility treatments but for LGBTI families, IVF or adoption is the only way to have a child. That’s the facts. It is also a fact that immigration laws are based on biology and gender of a parent and not emotions of a parent. So how does an infertile person bring a child born outside the US? Given the situation, they do not have a biological link, so how do you get past the laws and have a child? Do you BREAK the laws or demand for a CHANGE in the laws?  It may take years for an infertile family, single person, or a dysfertile family to have a child through IVF or adoption, should it even take LONGER to have the laws to protect rights of IVF children and families? One can only know the facts and truth, pain and suffering, inequalities and lack of laws once they have gone through the pain and suffering themselves. Worse, when your IVF children have to be punished for crimes of the adults. Should there be laws protecting Fertility 4 All?

It gets worse. The current language in laws claims that certain IVF children depending on circumstance are considered “illegitimate child born out of wedlock”. It is OFFENSIVE as an IVF parent to hear that about your IVF child. Look at the IVF child and all the efforts of all the humans including donors and surrogates, health professionals, parents and tell me the IVF child is “ILLEGITIMATE”. The English language has a “special word” for it and is used in an offensive or deragatory way. What is worse is this kind of attitude adds fodder and makes the innocent child “legally invisible” and places them in a legal limbo. How is it fair and equal to place innocent IVF children in legal limbo? Do people with no legal identity have legal rights? Once an IVF parent, always an IVF parent. Why should the gender or biology of a parent be used against the IVF child for their rights? We look forward to a day when the love and character of a parent will count more than biology and gender of a parent. A parent can love their child unconditionally but cannot provide them legal rights – thats why a parent has to petition to the government to do their part in raising happy families – a backbone of a vibrant and successful civilization and economy.

Imagine going through a painful journey of IVF that very few understand and intimately have knowledge about and in the end if you are successful, the innocent IVF child is deemed “less” or with “less legal rights” or forcefully separated because of lack of laws or on and on…its a domino effect. Any parent who is thinking of going for IVF could find themselves in this legal limbo situation and with increasing singles, LGBTI families, that number is growing. What is worse is that it is placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo. So do we change the laws or break the laws? Do we continue to shove the issue under the carpet? How do we move forward? With secrecy and lies OR the truth?

What is worse? Breaking the law or changing the law for a greater good?

What is worse? Raising a child with secrecy, lies and fraud and claiming it as love for child or changing the laws for IVF children and families for the greater good?

What is worse? Abandoning an IVF child for the sake of another child or demanding for equal rights for IVF children and families?

You Don’t Know Until It Happens To You – Could it be You?

Teach your child to never betray someone they truly love. Whether its your parents, siblings, spouse, children or others, if you truly love them then do not abuse, lie, and force secrecy. Its love, but not for someone else, its love for thyself which is not a crime but breaking laws, abuse, violence, fraud, cheating, lying are crimes. After a continued life of secrecy and lies having to watch your children suffer due to the secrecy and lies; it is not fair to them and the millions of other children like them.

You don’t know until it happens to you. Maybe the age-old saying does have some truth to it after all. Less than 16% of couples IVF mattersexperience infertility while 50% of marriages end up in divorce. So most people may have knowledge about the family law system but far fewer know about fertility in a marriage. Add the secrecy and stigma to fertility issues and there is hardly a chance of the “word getting out”. If we continue to live in secrecy, how will we usher in change? How will we make it a better place for others and our children? Any person who is trying to have a child – straight, single, gay, DSD/intersex, lesbian – this could have been you being separated from your IVF child because of lack of laws.

Most Americans we know are conscientious, compassionate and want to know the truth. USA is a nation of immigrants. But majority of the population has not experienced immigration first hand. And so the “ongoing lot” of immigrants are again a minority and most people would not know the immigration laws until it happens to them. Statistically, there are 1 in 2000 people who are intersex/DSD and people with Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) are 1 in 20000 – again another rare minority. Now imagine if a family had to experience all these four minorities combined together? Imagine doing it in silence. Imagine no one being able to understand what it means to go through this and be able to survive and be alive. Imagine the children of such a family and their fate? Where do we even begin to make sense and how many “layers” of lack of laws, human rights, equitable justice, etc, etc etc do we have to go through before people begin to understand the several complications. Not to mention, the secrecy and lies does NO HELP in the education and awareness process.

There is no doubt that people who are CAIS and undergo a surgery (which has been called for a STOP by the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture) are under severe trauma and depression. Do they need time to recoperate? How much time? Can a person under severe trauma and depression enough to be called torture also be a primary care provider for an infant? What about the abuse and violence that was perpetrated on innocent victims during this stabilization process? There are studies, recommendations which are now coming out for people with Disorders of Sexual Development (DSD), are there any studies for spouse and children of DSD who also suffered through the surgery and its treatment in silence? Is there any trauma for them? There is a lack of laws situation for people with DSD including not being able to marry legally, or being able to immigrate as a spouse, or being able to legally have a child through IVF. So does it make it OK to lie, cheat and fraud an unsuspecting spouse into a fraud marriage? get immigration illegally? get a IVF child illegally? Since the laws have NOT changed, other DSD people still cannot repeat this. Since the laws have NOT changed, the innocent IVF children are placed in legal limbo due to the suppression of the facts. Since the laws have not changed, the fertility rights for LGBTI families are non-existant. If there is domestic violence against a male spouse in a LGBTI marriage, are there any laws to protect them?

The right thing is to teach our children to love and show compassion to fellow human beings no matter what. Becoming a family caregiver instead of walking away is a proud moment to be celebrated most importantly for the parents of the caregiver because they raised their child right. It is better than parents who teach children to lie, fraud an unsuspecting spouse. It is better than someone splitting innocent and defenseless IVF siblings just because they cannot have a child. It is better than someone who abandons an IVF child, a deliberate pregnancy. The question is not if someone can become a good parent, the question is WHEN? And how much abuse and violence was endured by others during the ongoing medical treatment under severe depression and trauma?

You don’t know until it happens to you – intersex, immigration, infertility, invisibility. And then to have the same secrecy and lies repeated on your innocent, defenseless IVF children. The actions to support equal human rights never stopped. It was limited to intersex and immigration earlier. Now we have added IVF children and families. And all can benefit by the truth, not secrecy and lies as we have already experienced. In a few years from now, when the IVF children are grown and are adults, maybe we will live in a world where gay marriage is NOT taboo, IVF families are NOT taboo, DSD/intersex is NOT taboo. And so correspondingly there will also be laws to represent the societal needs. What will the IVF children want – truth or lies?

Offending IVF Parents and Families

“Let’s NOT OFFEND, let’s GO FEND our basic human emotion for a child.”Equal IVF Child Rights Tshirt

As a culture we are beginning to become more constructive of others from civil rights, interracial marriages, gay rights, women rights, fertility rights. The word, “tolerance” was not used purposefully because as a society we need to look at situations positively rather than “tolerating” someone for who they are. Too often, infertile or dysfertile parents are offended by others for well, just being them. Somehow as a society we have “normalized” and numbed ourselves with how we treat (discrimination) infertile or dysfertile families and children born out of fertility treatments like IVF.

To be clear:

  1. It is NOT OK to ask someone about the fertility issues even in the best of intent. If the person feels comfortable with you, they will confide.
  2. It is NOT OK to say have you tried adoption instead of IVF? There are so many kids in the world who could use adoption. It shows lack of ground realities and the stringent adoption laws which may make it impossible for some folks to adopt – like single fathers, gays, intersex, age of married couple, etc. Adoption laws are based on archaic stereotypes and not the ground reality of 21st century where love of a parent counts and not their biology, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Most of us when we wake up every morning would like to solve world hunger but still there are millions who go to bed every night hungry. Why? Making ignorant statements like have you tried adoption instead of IVF is like have you solved world hunger because it does not capture the complexities and the ground realities.
  3. It is NOT OK to say well thats how nature made you and should remain childless. Every human has a right to life including innocent IVF children.
  4. It is NOT OK to have situations where innocent, voiceless IVF children are placed in legal limbo due to no fault of their own and simply due to lack of laws. Each infertility journey is unique in its own way and every infertile or dysfertile parent is very strong to have overcome with or without a child. Wanting a child is a basic human emotion – CANNOT DENY that. When an infertile or dysfertile parent is blessed with a child, they have already traveled a long journey only about to begin on another long journey of love and affection with the child.

To be clear:

  1. It is OFFENSIVE to separate an IVF child from a parent and saying “that’s the law”. Laws are made for our society by the people, of the people and for the people – change the laws with changing ground realities.
  2. It is OFFENSIVE to treat an IVF child like property or an asset to have them abandoned or given up for adoption due to a DNA mismatch or a parent abandoning the IVF pregnancy. Again, change the laws to provide relief for these exceptions.
  3. It is OFFENSIVE to use language like “illegitimate child born out of wedlock” when defining legal parent-child relationship between IVF child and parent. Ask any IVF parent and they will tell you, their IVF child is NOT “illegitimate”.
  4. It is OFFENSIVE to have your IVF child treated with NO legal identity, NO legal rights, and worse protection to their human and child rights than cats and dogs as pets.
  5. It is OFFENSIVE to say to an IVF parent with an IVF child in legal limbo that “you should have known better” or “you deserve it”. Does the innocent IVF child deserve it? Did the innocent IVF child know any better or asked to be born? Why take out the punishment of the parent onto an innocent child?
  6. It is OFFENSIVE to take this abuse and violation of basic human rights of IVF children and families and only to be silenced when asking for change in laws. It is OFFENSIVE to have continued stereotyping in treatment of IVF children and families.

Its 2013 and its a new era. If not today, one day in the future, there will be a day when IVF children will deserve basic human respect and dignity if not equal rights. This is the NEXT social justice fight of our 21st century.

Let’s NOT OFFEND, let’s GO FEND our basic human emotion for a child.