Tag Archives: justice

Wish I were Gay for my IVF Children’s Sake As Dictated by Laws

There are stories about how gay parents are coping in the 21st century – fighting for “maternity” leave as the primary care provider OR to have equal parental rights OR Nazi Intersex IVF Historyallowed to tell the truth to their child OR so many other battles they have to fight just to be allowed to LOVE their child FREELY. Is the same true for an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children? An IVF father who is not gay is on “maternal leave” for 5 years and counting because he did not want to abandon his child.

There is NOT a day that goes by when one does not DREAM of an innocent IVF brother walking through the front door to hug his primary care provider, his father, and his siblings not because the rights of an intersex, immigrant, IVF father matter BUT because an innocent, IVF child has rights too and its his DREAM too. Are innocent IVF siblings, innocent IVF fathers allowed to have DREAMS OR are they reserved only for infertile, immigrants who must have a child at any and all costs including abandoning an innocent child? The issue is not about intersex, infertility, IVF, the issue is do innocent siblings deserve to grow up together and do the voiceless have rights? As the recent story about Mr. Lanza shows that “wishful thinking” is not the answer but dealing with facts and respect for laws is the right answer.  The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun”, it can also be false records, fraud, lies, breaking the laws with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims.

While people are still debating whether being gay is right or wrong, gay parents having and raising children is right or wrong, at least their issues are on the radar and are getting solutions, especially from the legal perspective. An intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children are LOST and written off. An intersex, IVF father may NOT be gay but from a legal perspective is treated as a “GAY man”.  In a gay relationship, who is the “mother”? More importantly, who does the child have an infinite, loving BOND with – the primary care provider or the “mother” or “father”?The child goes to the person whose love they can feel due to the qualitative time they spend together and NOT because the person is “mother” or “father”, “gay” or “straight”, or whatever other “social discrimination”. Wish I were gay then at least the issues we are facing about parental rights, IVF rights, immigrant rights of same-sex folks, dysfertility rights would be discussed in the OPEN rather than SUPPRESSED under the carpet, ironically enough as gay rights have been dealt with for several decades.

The only thing WORSE than denying justice to a person – black or white, gay or straight, man or woman, adult or child, or [insert] whatever other “social discrimination” here is to DISRESPECT their issues which is DENYING rights. Just like some people believe the Holocaust never happened, how can you even discuss with them the horrific and traumatic events that occurred during the Holocaust because as per them “it never happened”?

The reasons why it is important to discuss Abu Ghraib is the same reasons why it is important to discuss an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children. It is not “anti-national”, it is to first give justice to innocent victims and second to learn and ensure it is never repeated. Having two split innocent IVF siblings on two different continents in legal limbo is nothing short of our “Abu Ghraib” because it has been done willfully and is a crime against their humanity even though they may be young and voiceless. It is very traumatic for an intersex person in 2000s but at least they have support if they are honest, what about spouse and children of an intersex marriage who are forced into silence and abused and traumatized? Appeasement even by parents and professionals/experts as the Adam Lanza case shows is NOT the answer, confronting facts and discussing them openly will lead to a better solution for all including innocent children. Lying on medical records which denies rights of others and abuses others is a crime. Ignoring the blatant facts is wrong. Breaking laws is wrong. Intersex people have struggled for decades if not centuries to get recognized and have equal rights, how long will it be before spouse and IVF children of intersex marriage are provided appropriate support?

If the US recovers its citizens who go to foreign countries and may “break the laws” there like trying to do good in North Korea. What help and support does the US provide its citizens who try to help infertile people where laws itself fall short? Who protects their rights and should they be “recovered” and be united as a family?

Separating biological families even under a “legal guise” is not new, ask anyone who knows about the “baby scoop era”. Decades later, there are apologies from the government, “truth and reconciliation” commissions.

The laws have already spoken, an intersex spouse should have reported the crime and NOT shown compassion, the fertile spouse should NOT have accepted the fraud documents from an infertile family and NOT shown compassion, he should have also NOT shown compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person just like he laws dictate. But why are we (and the laws) punishing innocent IVF siblings for crimes they did not commit? Showing compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person is NOT wrong but supporting a LIAR and CRIMINAL is wrong. In fact it is so wrong that one has two innocent IVF siblings SPLIT willfully on two continents in legal limbo and with no justice.

Elephant in the Room – IVF and Proud

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room because if we don’t then its a disservice to the innocent, voiceless IVF children and everything that humanity stands for – ivf_elephant_in_the_roomrespect and compassion. Through acceptance, we move to a solution. Through education and awareness, we move to a solution. Fear-mongering, silence, threats, lies, secrecy, intimidation does NO GOOD – just ask the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings who have been willfully split. One lie leads to a thousand lies. People do not realize the toll it takes emotionally, financially, legally just to have a child which most people take for granted. It is the love for innocent children that keeps one going. We have an unintended double whammy like MH370 and MH 17 – our double whammy is lack of laws for intersex and IVF rights – so the best answer is to lie, break laws and SPLIT innocent, voiceless IVF siblings like taking candy from a baby – what have you proven? Instead let us address the real issues (the elephant in the room) so people can stop lying and stop breaking laws and deny rights of the most vulnerable – innocent children.

No child grows up dreaming to become an IVF parent with no laws like an immigrant, IVF father.

Does an infertile child deserve to dream to have a child when they grow up despite lack of laws? What about the rights of a fertile spouse in an infertile marriage who is equally subjected to same lack of laws?

Does an intersex child deserve to dream to be married and have a family when they grow up despite lack of laws? What about the rights of an intersex spouse in an intersex marriage who is equally subjected to same lack of laws?

Are only those people criminals who kill or abuse people in broad daylight? Or are the real criminals also who are hiding and manipulating the laws and using others for personal benefit while cannibalizing the rights of unsuspecting victims?

Is showing compassion and giving human rights to an infertile, immigrant, intersex person a CRIME where laws itself fall short? Who protect their rights?

Do IVF children born during a divorce have any rights? IVF is all about compassion and the very least is to show compassion to an innocent, voiceless IVF child. There are lot better ways to give a child to an infertile adult rather than breaking laws and splitting innocent siblings.

If a woman uses IVF and has children through her egg, sperm donor and surrogate – are her IVF children siblings? Is the SAME TRUE if a man uses IVF and has children through his sperm, egg donor and surrogate – are his IVF children siblings?

In addition to providing food, home, clothes, education, etc., every parent likes to inculcate certain values in a child to make them a positive contributor in the society such as respect, compassion, honesty, respect for laws. Is it right to show respect and compassion to an intersex person where laws itself fall short? More importantly, if we demonize such individuals, what message are we sending to the innocent children, some who may also be victims of similar secrecy and lies like IVF children? IVF or intersex or infertility is NOT wrong, silencing and lying about it which breaks laws  and cannibalizes rights of others is, or is it?

In the future, intersex marriages will be legal, infertile people will be able to have a child legally without a genetic link, an IVF child and family will have rights, TODAY, this is already occurring for innocent IVF siblings who are split and denied rights under secrecy and lies blatantly violating prevailing laws. Who protects the rights of IVF children and families? Abandoning an innocent child will still remain a CRIME – whether natural or IVF, whether domestic IVF or international IVF – because it is the right thing to do protect the rights of the most vulnerable – innocent, voiceless children.

Being intersex, being infertile, being immigrant is NOT a crime, lying about it which breaks laws is. At an emotional level, lying is no foundation for any relationship including marriage or parenthood.

It is not about whether a genetic male with no ovaries, no uterus, no fallopian tubes (which is true for all men and fathers) is a “mother” or “father”, it is about being a good parent both to your own children and others’.

Being a primary care provider for your child is based on facts and not based on traditional stereotypes and gender. There is nothing stereotypical about an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. Why was an innocent IVF child taken away from his primary care provider without investigating the facts? What is its impact?

The spirit of Hague Convention on International Child Abduction is to serve the best interest of the child and NOT be separated from biological family. What has happened to an innocent IVF child who has been lied to and denied his rights to see his biological family. Has the spirit of the convention been followed?

Performing an intersex surgery is not wrong (or is it as per the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture who called for a STOP to such surgeries) but lying about it on medical records is, especially when these lies directly affect the well-being and abuse the spouse and children of an intersex marriage. If one did “nothing wrong” then why LIE about such surgeries? Criminals lie to hide facts for selfish benefit. More importantly, what atrocities and abuses have been committed against unsuspecting intersex spouse and innocent children? Since as per the “fraud documentation”, the “surgery” never occurred kinda like people denying the “Holocaust” never occurred and therefore there are no victims who deserve justice. Denial and silencing the truth will NEVER stand the test of time.

Calling anyone’s child ” illegitimate” is not just wrong but offensive especially when it has severe implications on an innocent child. It may have been OK to have this language in 1600s but its not OK in 2000s, its time for an update. Just like the British laws used language as “unnatural sex” centuries ago which propogated to its colonies is archaic today, similarly so is language like “child born out of wedlock”, ” illegitimate child” which hurts the rights of an innocent child rather than protect.

If IVF laws can be passed retrospectively to IVF parents, why can’t laws be passed to protect rights of IVF child and be treated equally? Why is abandoning an IVF child not a crime? It is one thing to be slapped the in the face as an intersex, immigrant, IVF father but to have your innocent IVF children be slapped in the face repeatedly is too much to take and its time to speak up against the injustice.

Laws will take time to change or may never change, but that does not mean one cannot petition their democratic government for change? As an internet enthusiast, there is a “product hype curve” which shows a hyperbolic peak to hype when something new comes up and then the enthusiasm gradually tapers off and for some products goes to negligible impact and others an equilibrium in the middle. Historically, social justice and human rights issues also follow a similar pattern where initially oppressed see denial, further oppression, injustice, intimidation, threats, lies, secrecy, fear-mongering, abuse, silencing, etc and eventually are given the rights they deserve. When will equal rights for IVF children and families become a reality?

If an intersex, immigrant, infertile adult deserves compassion, why not little compassion for innocent, voiceless IVF children? As a global citizen, one learns to pick the best of both worlds especially when those worlds happen to be world’s most powerful democracy and other being world’s biggest democracy – both representing equality in diversity. When will equal rights for IVF children and families become a reality?

Petitioning one’s democratic government for change is not “anti-national”, ask slaves of 1800s, Susan Anthony, Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Dr. King, Nelson Mandela, Edie Windsor, and so on. It is part of nation building at the cost of personal sacrifices.

Is abandoning an IVF child with utter disregard and disdain a crime against the humanity of the  innocent child? Is it a crime of moral turpitude? Abandoning a “natural-born” child requires a parent to “physically” abandon a child, if an intended parent who did not giver sperm, egg, or womb, there is no physical connection and they simply give consent but NEVER show up to take responsibility and accountability for placing the “IVF Order”. Is that right? Is that how we want to see our society progress? Or should such acts be reprimanded and sent a strong message that regardless of circumstances, abandoning an IVF child is EQUAL to abandoning any other child and has consequences?

If an intended parent deserves EQUAL rights to their “non-genetic” child, then should they also be held EQUALLY responsible and accountable for a “non-genetic” child they “ordered” but abandoned? It is heinous, it is vicious and silencing the FACTS is not justice especially for the innocent, voiceless child. Treating them as EQUALS like any other child with equal rights is JUSTICE. Child is a CHILD including IVF child – are the laws in sync? We have to talk about the ELEPHANT in the ROOM, don’t we?

Top 10 things Learnt by an IVF Parent from Parents of Intersex child

  1. Secrecy and lying are the real culprits and being born intersex or IVF should be a non-issue. If a parent of intersex can speak up for their Lies-IVF-Jeffersonintersex child, does an IVF parent have equal right to speak up for their IVF children? Having met other intersex and IVF families, IVF or intersex are not culprits, people who lie and break laws for selfish benefit are the criminals.
  2. One would imagine that a parent of an intersex child would want to find a spouse who is compassionate, be willing to marry out of love for their intersex child despite the laws not yet ready, be willing to either adopt a child or go for IVF and share their biological child with their intersex child who happens to be infertile and have a happy family for their intersex child despite laws NOT allowing it. But to abandon innocent IVF child and knowingly SPLIT IVF siblings takes a twisted turn of selfishness and has nothing to do with intersex or IVF issues rather has more in common with what criminals do and not what compassionate humans do.
  3. The reasons why siblings and parents of an intersex child are recognized for care and support are the same reasons why spouses and children of intersex should be recognized. Shoving issues and truth under the carpet will help no one and more importantly, lies will not help us get to a solution, truth might.
  4. Just like Dr. John Money was wrong, ignoring the experiences and facts about a spouse and children of an intersex marriage who had intersex surgery during marriage is also wrong. What is wrong is the intersex surgery should have not occurred just as the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP. Making lab rats out of unsuspecting and compassionate humans will not lead to solutions rather victims.
  5. Sadly there are people in this world who believe and propogate that the Holocaust never occurred. There are two main issues here. By not acknowledging facts, there is no justice for victims and second it continues to victimize and abuse the traumatized including the specter of reoccurrence. By not acknowledging the impact of a torturous intersex surgery during an intersex marriage and its impact on unsuspecting, innocent spouse and children. Second it continues to victimize innocent IVF children and families and a specter of reoccurrence. Regardless of how this story is spun, the fact is when someone respects human rights of others where laws/government itself falls short, there is no justice for them – worse it is such a heinous act that their innocent children should also be punished – is that a reminder of barbaric times where innocent children are punished for actions of their parents? The only thing to teach our children is that truth prevails.
  6. Breaking laws instead of changing laws is the right answer as per an intersex family. In the quest of giving a child to your infertile child, its ok to endanger welfare of others including innocent children and siblings.
  7. An intersex child can have siblings but not an IVF child. Apparently, splitting siblings knowingly is called love. Abandoning a child to have another child is called love. Or is it fertility terrorism and IVF terrorism? If males who are in love and happen to be gay and are allowed to have feelings for their child, why is it an IVF father who happens to be straight not have same feelings for the child? Or being straight and fertile is a bigger crime and showing compassion for fellow humans where laws also fall short is so heinous a crime that his innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit. We can call it a lot of things but “love” and “best interest” of the child does not resonate.
  8. Secrecy and lies including threats are a better weapon than truth and compassion. By using tools of secrecy and lying in some twisted way they are helping rights of intersex people when in fact laws have not changed. Only peaceful protests and speaking the truth will deliver equal rights for intersex.
  9. Injustice skips a generation meaning fighting complex issues like intersex and IVF takes a long time – the parents are discriminated and persecuted first and then justice is served to the children.
  10. Running a defamation campaign against anyone who says the truth is ok even if it continues to victimize and abuse innocent victims including voiceless children.

Fighting for rights of a child is great – intersex or IVF – the difference is do you fight with truth or lies and do you fight with dignity, civility and humility with truth and compassion OR do you do it with secrecy, fraud, breaking laws with lies while abusing innocent, voiceless children?

Its ONLY 2014 for IVF and NOT 2114 so wait for your IVF Rights

If an HIV person is court ordered to not spread HIV to unsuspecting victims, what should be the rights of unsuspecting spouses of intersex whose rights are snatched ivf-is-the-new-black-gayaway? Whatever lack of rights intersex people have, its the same lack of rights experienced by spouse of an intersex just like an unsuspecting victim of HIV infection. The difference is truth vs lying.

If an Italian marine in India can be allowed to go to Italy on humanitarian grounds, why cant an innocent Indian IVF child be allowed to see his loving family is in India?

If a Jordanian terrorist who is now a UK citizen can be sent back to his home country to allow due process and then denied access back to UK, his newly naturalized country of citizenship, why can’t an IVF terrorist who is now a US citizen be sent back to their home country in India to allow due process? Or should they be allowed to run from laws while innocent children who they victimized and continue to suffer the injustice? Do innocent IVF children have rights?

Where is the moral compass? Its not that the moral compass is missing but it seems that it is easier to break laws for personal benefit including abusing innocent children and using them as commodity. It seems that in 2014, people who lie and break laws will be rewarded rather than changing the laws like Rosa Parks or Edie Windsor did by standing up for truth. There is a pride about being American, is it still true for innocent, unsuspecting IVF children and families? As per CDC, about 1% of births in US were through IVF meaning on an empirical scale, IVF and its issues affect about 1% of the population who want children. It also means that the other 99% if made aware of the severe lack in laws for IVF children and families, most would support the right thing to do and therefore education and awareness is key to securing IVF rights. If you know, you will care. You may disagree but that means you cared enough to even disagree rather than being oblivious.

  1. When a mother has multiple miscarriages, only she know how she feels. When an IVF father has multiple failed IVF attempts, how does/should he feel. He knows, do others know?
  2. When a mother is kicked in the stomach while pregnant, only she knows whats at risk for her and the child. When an ongoing IVF pregnancy with joint consent is abandoned by an intended “mother”, how should the IVF father and the IVF brother who wanted a sibling feel? They know, do others know?
  3. When a mother has to give up a child under duress and coercion, only she knows how it feels. When an IVF father is coerced under severe trauma and under duress is forced to agree to lies, only he knows how that feels.
  4. When a mother is helpless and both her children need help, who does she save? When an IVF father is helpless and forced to choose between two innocent IVF children who he loves equally, how should he feel?
  5. Only a woman can understand the pain of a fellow woman being abused and who has no rights. And she would help a fellow woman. even if it meant going against her own family because its the right thing to do. Only an IVF parent can understand the pain of an IVF child who are both victims of abuse, negligence and finally both abandoned and stranded left in legal limbo to survive on their own.
  6. Commodifying women is not just wrong but inhumane. Commodifying IVF parent and their IVF children only to be discarded is not just wrong but inhumane.

As humans, we are a sum of our experiences. Asking a rape victim to forget about the facts is not justice, not in 1814, not in 1914, and not in 2014. Asking an IVF father to forget about the facts of the criminal conspiracy against him and his innocent IVF children including shutting him up to hide facts is not justice in 2004, 2009, 2014. Sadly there are some people in the world today who claim the Holocaust did not occur – there are two lessons from that. One is there is no justice for the innocent victims and continued victimization for the left-behind family if you believe the lies and second the chance of reoccurrence with more victims. Same is true for an immigrant, intersex, IVF family. Lies are wrong and truth is real and the right way forward in everyone’s best interest and innocent victims deserve due process and justice rather than shoving issues under the carpet.

Laws choose to discriminate which maybe well-intentioned but sadly are manipulated and laws are broken by people for personal benefit. Innocent children only recognize love and truth. There is no love in abandoning innocent children or splitting innocent siblings. Infertility is not a crime, lying about infertility is a crime as per laws. More importantly, do lies that break laws and place innocent children in legal limbo deserve action and justice in the proverbial “best interest of child”  or should criminals who are childless be let go? Whose trauma is more – the adult who lies or innocent children who are voiceless?

There is no way to gauge the real impact of the trauma unless you have experienced it yourself. And sometimes the heinousness is so abrasive that even without going through it, as a human being we realize the difference between right and wrong. Being an immigrant, intersex, IVF family is illegal in 2000s both in India and the US as per laws, hiding and lying about it is NOT going to help anyone, especially the unsuspecting, innocent victims.

East Meets West – Intersex, IVF, Immigration

It is important to talk about facts and state the truth with civility, dignity and humility. It would be wrong to stay silent and further to fointersex-IVF-Immigration-east-meets-westrce silence on truth would be both heinous and undemocratic. Ironically, for decades if not generations, silence is how intersex has been dealt with both in the east and west and the biggest lesson learnt as an intersex, IVF, immigrant family in 2000s is secrecy and lying are the real culprits. So with all due respect to all, let us state the truth so that we can salvage innocent childhoods and not live on false foundations because that is no way to deliver justice. In dealing with these complex issues of the 21st century, patience is the foremost thing required and that we have and let truth prevail. For most people, infertility is a “distant” issue, IVF/surrogacy is even more of a “distant” issue, and having innocent IVF siblings SPLIT is more “distant” and having an abandoned IVF child is “very distant”. To them, injustice to innocent IVF children may represent a very small fraction BUT to us, THEY are our WORLD and everything. We deeply care about equal IVF rights as it affects our family deeply or rather lack of IVF rights is hurting our family immensely.

It is 2014 and the west is still to get up to speed with acknowledging presence of the “third gender”. What is more important is to give them equal rights like marriage, having children despite being infertile, so that unsuspecting compassionate law abiding citizens are not frauded and cheated because laws are not in their favor. Worse, innocent IVF children of an intersex family are NOT SPLIT just so that someone can have a child at any cost. Regardless of what side of the debate you are on, at the end of your justification, add two sentences – “…and therefore its OK to abandon innocent IVF child. And therefore its OK to SPLIT innocent IVF brother and sister who he wanted.”  Laws are man-made and NOT perfect, justice is NOT perfect, Life is NOT fair, but why punish innocent IVF children – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable for that?

  • Denial or Acceptance – While Asian countries in the East have long acknowledged the existence of the “third gender” and given them a special designation in the society in order to be assimilated. This went on for thousands of years in the east until the west colonialized the east and imposed their “own laws” including discriminatory laws against the “third gender”. The situation today of the “third gender” in countries like India, Pakistan, etc. is a “post-British” situation which is very different than what it was 400-500 years ago when they were in an esteemed position. One has to question, what is better as  a “human being” – DENIAL or ACCEPTANCE? Now the same set of secrecy, lack of laws is being repeated on IVF children and families including crimes and abuse perpetrated.
  • Best of East-West  – The current situation in the East may not be the best for “third gender” when it comes to human rights but at least they can live honestly. There are “third gender” folks in the west who are clamouring for a legal identity which their governments are in denial because of archaic laws from centuries past similar to the laws that British brought with them during colonization. The West is slowly waking up to issues of the “third gender” and accepting the facts. The journey has just begun. Australia and New Zealand recognized the third gender in 2012, then came Germany in 2013 and now there are discussions that UK may be next. Perhaps the US will also wake up to this reality someday. Good news is the West is catching up and taking steps to remedy centuries old wrongs. And what is needed is an amalgamation of both East and West philosophies in dealing with intersex and IVF – both highly taboo subjects but affecting one family deeply and greatly especially innocent siblings.
  • Science and Truth – The West provides a forum to understand and learn topics. There are specialized institutions, professionals, conferences, openness specifically dedicated to dealing with “third gender” issues or known as Disorders of Sexual Development (DSD) or known as intersex (there is controversy among the communities whether the politically correct term is “intersex” or “DSD”). In countries like India, in the local vernacular and a legal term, they are refered to as Eunuchs, again a controversial term depending on who you ask. One has to wonder is it the “terms” which are controversial or the subject itself is controversial since it is taboo to discuss it meaning regardless of what term we come up with, it will be always controversial and if so, how do we honestly and scientifically discuss the issues of an intersex family? For the academicians, lawyers, politicians, activists, etc, their fight maybe of “political correctness”; for victims of lack of laws for intersex and IVF, it is a matter of survival.
  • Statistics – As per NIH, about 1 in 2000 births are born DSD/intersex, which is a generic term. Its important to note that the NIH, a reputable institution also uses both terms which highlights the controversy and confusion. This means its a minority. Most DSD/intersex people are infertile and as per CDC, 1 in 6 couples are infertile. Does this include or exclude intersex/DSD? Does the CDC statistics include LGBTI or are they only looking at heterosexual couples? It is 2014, isn’t it time to update our scientific data gathering to be more reflective of the realities in our society? More importantly, statistics drive change, they drive laws, and if the statistics itself are not reflective (inadvertently or deliberate) of the issues faced  by the population, then how can we expect to get new laws and therefore justice?
  • Medicine – In 2013, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture announced for a STOP to intersex surgeries. This means what the doctors, highly learned academicians, medical professionals had been doing for last 50 years were WRONG! The fraud paperwork to support their lies and wrongs is also wrong, is it a crime? For the reasons why Dr. John Money has been proven wrong today while highly sought after and reputable medical professional during his time, similarly, performing intersex surgeries under secrecy and lies during a marriage with inappropriate resources is WRONG. It is a recipe for disaster to ruin a family and more importantly endangering the welfare of innocent children. Science and wishful thinking don’t go together. Science relies on facts. The medical professionals in their zeal to right “social wrongs” forgot to adhere to facts and science and as a result lost credibility again in dealing with sensitive issues like intersex just like Dr. John Money. Cannibalizing the rights of other humans is no way to give human rights to one human.
  • Change – Today, parents and siblings of intersex/DSD also get treatment and counseling. Given the same logic, why are there NO options for spouses and children of an intersex family especially when the torturous intersex surgery occurred during a marriage? Are the spouses and children of an intersex family supposed to lie, live in silence and suppress their experiences and torture? And how is that exactly different than what was done to intersex people for decades and centuries? It may take a few more decades/centuries for the West and East to understand what happened to spouse and children of an intersex family but silencing them in the meantime is no justice as they are living through an IVF Holocaust.
  • History – Sadly there are people in this world who believe the Holocaust did not occur. There are two issues here. One there is denial of facts and therefore denial of justice to victims and continued victimization and second no lessons learnt and the threat of reoccurrence. Had the world not recognized the Holocaust, perhaps, the story in Bosnia/Serbia, Rwanda, ongoing ISIS may have ended differently with thousands more innocent lives lost. Let us take learning lessons from an intersex, IVF, immigrant family in 2000s so that we can usher change for equal rights for intersex, IVF children and families and caregivers. No one deserves to have their human rights and/or child rights violated. By silencing, we are not going to achieve anything but perhaps by listening to facts and accepting the truth, we may open a door for a better future. What is so wrong about that?

Top 10 Reasons to be unEmotional

10. The justice system does NOT care about emotions. And we as law-abiding citizens have to live with the laws and not with emotions regardless of show-no-emotion-catch-no-feelings-feel-no-pain-ivfhow unfair the laws may seem.

9. The justice system will selectively care about emotions deeming it “best interest of the child” instead of recognizing the facts that sometimes laws fall short and natural justice should take over.

8. If you are emotional, it will take you LONGER than others to think things through…By that time, the opportunity to fight back may expire like the statute of limitations or people may tend to say let “bygones be bygones” without understanding that injustice is injustice – whether delayed or denied.

7. If you are emotional, people may lie, cheat, fraud you including breaking laws and committing crimes and maybe even forcing you to commit crimes.

6. If you harbor a murderer because they are “family” and you get emotional, it is breaking the laws even though you can justify it emotionally. Do not harbor a criminal, the right thing to do for their sake and other innocents in the society is to report them to the authorities for breaking the laws. Worse, do not become a victim of their emotional blackmail and commit crimes too.

5. When one lives in bad company where one partner/friend commits crimes, it rubs off on you and you also start committing crimes and emotions cannot save you from that.

4. Your innocent children can be held hostage and their individual rights are violated including crime against their humanity.

3. When you are emotional, people will try to spin a web from the “real issues” deeming one who is emotional cannot “think” clearly and are clouded. Fine, then let someone “unemotional” deal with the real issues like IVF, intersex, immigration because the issues still exist and someone does need to bring it to attention and provide a solution. What is worse – being emotional and bringing out the truth OR being conniving and brushing the issues under the carpet. What if it happened to you or someone you love (nah, thats emotional again…you see how it works)?

2. Ironically, got too emotional to pen this down.

1. Frankly, NO ONE CARES. The laws, the society, the system – its all lip service  and only you can protect yourself from the emotional trauma of injustice, unfairness, bigotry, hypocrisy. Protect yourself first.

As a survivor, NOT a victim, of IVF, intersex, immigration in the 2000s, there are a lot of lessons to be learnt. The first is DO NOT be EMOTIONAL. What an irony because if one were not emotional then they could have never become a spouse caregiver of intersex OR an IVF parent OR an exiled IVF parent. They could have perhaps earned 6 + figures in salary, have a great, comfortable, luxurious life with everything money can buy AND have a great professional career where their skills are appreciated BUT innocent IVF children would have been abandoned, violated, abused, tortured without a VOICE.

To the naysayers, all we have to say is that emotion is the very fabric of a human being…even animals like dogs, cats have emotions and they show it. Since when did it become OK to NOT be emotional as a human being especially when it comes to dealing with issues like intersex, IVF, immigration – emotions like compassion build such families while lack of laws break up families, innocent siblings.

Why IVF Fathers are an Oxymoron as per laws?

Instead of enjoying and celebrating the compassion of women for helping a male to become a loving IVF father, here we are fighting for rights of ivf-oxymoroninnocent IVF children because their only fault is being born IVF and to a “male”.  The irony and tragedy couldn’t be any more inhumane. An IVF father is NOT an oxymoron based on humanity, love and compassion but in 2000s it is an oxymoron based on prevailing laws. The IVF children are not wrong, the IVF father is not wrong, showing compassion and being part of an intersex, immigrant, IVF family is not wrong; secrecy and lying is wrong AND the laws are wrong. Come stand on the right side of history. For those who get it, this is about equal rights of IVF children and families including donors and surrogates and NOT about female Vs male or mother Vs father or whatever [political agenda] or whatever [social agenda]. The 21st century has a lot to offer including building families differently and families with no mothers. Are we ready to accommodate them both socially and legally? Regardless of any justification provided, at the end of any justification add two sentences : “And therefore its OK to abandon an innocent child. And therefore its OK to deliberately split two innocent brother and sister.

  • Why should the gender of a parent matter to a child?
  • Why should the fertility or infertility or dysfertility of a parent matter to a child?
  • Whether a child is born naturally or through IVF, why should it matter to a child?
  • Why should the rights of an IVF child born during divorce be different than that of a child born naturally during a divorce?
  • Punish the IVF father if it is a crime to help fellow human being where laws itself fall short, but why punish his innocent IVF children?
  • As an immigrant, IVF father of an intersex family, one does not expect empathy or sympathy because very few people would understand at face value, but why punish his IVF chidlren? If you know of a bomb on a ship or plane or school or building where innocent children would die even though they are not your children, would you take action? Would you inform authorities and demand justice? Then why not the same reaction for innocent IVF children? Why are we terrorizing innocent IVF children due to lack of laws and inaction? Enough of “baby M’s”, baby Manji”, “baby Gammy”, its time to start living normally in a world with equal rights for IVF children and families.

Shouldn’t the love and character of a parent be more important than their gender, fertility issues, IVF or natural, born during a marriage or born out of wedlock, etc? At a humane level, these other issues SHOULD take less precedence but sadly LAWS place more importance on these other issues in some twisted ironical world deeming it “best interest of the child”. The fact is laws have not kept pace with technology and are still struggling with issues of IVF parents, gay parents, intersex parents, immigrant parents, etc. And somehow separating innocent children from their loving family is in the “best interest of the innocent child” rather than fixing the laws which are broken. It is offensive and inhumane at all levels.

  • As per laws, an immigrant, IVF father in the 2000s does not exist. As per laws, the IVF child is considered as “born out of wedlock” but IS considered as a child of marriage when divorce is filed. Am confused – Is there a marriage or not?
  • As per laws, any ongoing pregnancies should be declared when filing divorce in the “best interest of the child” EXCEPT when the ongoing pregnancy is through IVF because then the IVF child is just a “commodity” with NO HUMAN RIGHTS or NO CHILD RIGHTS.
  • By DENYING an ongoing pregnancy during a marriage, what are the rights of the innocent child and their “best interest”? What are the rights of other siblings – innocent children? Or in our zeal to guarantee a child to everyone at any costs including breaking laws – its OK to trample on others human rights including innocent children?
  • Are we trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? As per prevailing laws, an immigrant, intersex, infertile, IVF person cannot have a child. So should we break any and all laws for the sake of one even if it means endangering the welfare of innocent children? Or do the most vulnerable people in our society – innocent IVF children deserve protection of the laws from adults who may be immoral, unethical and break laws as common criminals do.
  • If a mother took drugs (same chemicals used to make medications) during pregnancy is guilty of child endangerment, what are the effects of an intersex person taking medications known to cause depression, irritability, etc. AND raising an infant? Because the issue is considered taboo and never discussed, does that mean there was no child endangerment or crime? Are we allowed to ask questions of authorities in a democracy or are we supposed to sacrifice our innocent children in silence?
  • It is one thing to have laws but when there is a lack of laws for certain situations like international IVF and when people manipulate and abuse the system to commit white collar crimes that directly places innocent children in legal limbo and endangers their welfare, what should be the response of a civilized society? Should it be to break the laws or change the laws? Have other abuses occurred by the same perpetrators in the name of “love of a child” while ignoring “what the child wants” AND deserves? Welcome to the international IVF of Abu Ghraib and ISIS – where lawlessness punishes innocent children and their families because they dared to help others where laws itself fell short.

As a human being trying to have a child and experiencing multiple failed attempts, you are not a male or female, not a father or mother, not fertile or infertile, you are just a loving want-to-be-parent pying for your child. Its the 21st century and just like women are getting long overdue equal rights at work, is it time for qualified men to get equal parental rights at home? An IVF father who uses both a donor and surrogate goes through his own set of ups and downs of an IVF journey including lack of laws discriminating against him and his children. And when his innocent children are abused and used like commodities, he speaks up like any other parent. He is speaking up for the rights of his innocent children. That does not mean innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit.  Struggles of IVF children and families maybe new but the principles are common like slavery, women suffrage,  civil rights, interracial marriages, gay rights, transgender rights and then IVF rights.  Is the world and are the laws ready for equal rights of IVF children and families in the 21st century?

Happy World Embryology Day

Thirty six years ago, he world’s first IVF child was born. Wishing everyone a Happy World Embryology day if you care. Some famous people born in IVF-Cruelty1978 as well are Ashton Kutcher, Zoe Saldana, Tia and Tamera Mowry, Usher, Kobe Bryant, Katie Holmes, first IVF baby in the world – Louise Brown, India’s first IVF baby – Durga. Sadly, we still do not have equal rights for IVF children and families.

Technology is wonderful when used correctly and thanks to the hard work of scientists, researchers for doing their part for the progress of humanity. Whose job is it to have laws that keep pace with technology? Have they done their job? What happens when the laws fall short and innocent IVF children are victimized with no justice? Whose responsibility and accountability is that?

In 1978, there were about 4.3 billion people and 2 IVF children.

In 2012, there were about 7.1 billion people and the 5 millionth IVF child was delivered.

In 2012, the CDC estimated 1% of all births in US were through IVF and expect all births to be about 5% soon.

By 2020, the population is estimated to be about 7.7 billion and the IVF industry is expected to double (maybe the number of IVF children born will also double as a conservative estimate?)

When will IVF be a “big enough” issue to start caring? And it is about the innocent, voiceless IVF children – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable. When will we as a society wake up? What will it take for us as a society to wake up? 

If “IVF” is an “industry”, then what is it “product” and who is protecting their rights? Should any industry be regulated especially where billions of dollars are involved? Especially where innocent children’s lives may be at risk? Especially where innocent children’s welfare may be endangered?

If “IVF” is to help infertile or dysfertile people, who helps the IVF children? What are the rights of IVF children when born during a divorce? Do they deserve a legal identity or should they be shoved under the carpet and make them invisible? Does that solve the problem?

When a straight couple who is dealing with infertility, are both spouses impacted with the lack of laws for IVF children and families? When gay couples, lesbian couples, single men, single women, infertile couples attempt to solve their “dysfertility” with help of other compassionate human beings, should there also be laws to help them and the IVF children? Or should such people be discriminated and falsely persecuted for daring to dream to have a child through help of technology? Worse their innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit and for the actions of their parents.

Every IVF journey is unique. Some result in not having a IVF child at all despite multiple attempts which sadly failed. The worst is having an IVF child who is born into legal limbo and not having any rights as a living, breathing human being. Sadly, pets have more rights in some cases. 

This year on World Embryology Day, let us pledge for equal rights for IVF children and families. This includes the entire IVF fraternity – the donors, the surrogates, the IVF clinics and medical professionals, the intended parents, and most importantly the IVF child. If there are laws for international child adoption, if there are laws for international child abduction, why are there no laws for international IVF children? More importantly, in absence of these laws, how do innocent victims get justice? 

The cornerstone of any IVF cycle is compassion of a fellow human being. It is the essence of our humanity. Let us hope that is NOT lost.

View of Justice and Outrage

It is a tragedy that 298 innocent lives were lost for a conflict thats not theirs. But today those 298, their families have forever joined the conflict either MH-17-Missile-Attack-IVF-Outrage-Justice by chance or circumstances. Rest of the world has joined in because of the outrage at innocent lives lost. An innocent family got involved with lack of laws for intersex/DSD, IVF, immigration either by chance or circumstances. Now we are also dealing with the same issues that an intersex/DSD, infertile, immigrant deals with. We all should be outraged at the lack of justice for innocent victims.

In the Sunday Times, Mr Cameron said the UK was not seeking confrontation with President Vladimir Putin or suggesting military action. He said: “Russia can use this moment to find a path out of this festering, dangerous crisis. I hope it will do so. But if that does not happen then we must respond robustly.” He wrote: “We must establish the full facts of what happened. But the growing weight of evidence points to a clear conclusion: That MH17 was blown out of the sky by a surface-to-air missile fired from a rebel-held area. If it is the case, then we must be clear what it means: This is a direct result of Russia destabilising a sovereign state, violating its territorial integrity, backing thuggish militias and training and arming them. We must turn this moment of outrage into a moment of action.”

This site is about IVF rights, so lets look at this statement from the view of innocent IVF siblings who have knowingly and deliberately been SPLIT just like the tragic MH-17 flight was shot down knowingly and deliberately.

1) No one is trying to seek confrontation with any government but just want to grow up as a happy IVF family. The powers that be can use this moment to right multiple wrongs and must establish the full facts. The known weight of evidence points to a clear conclusion : There is no genetic lick between the IVF child and the parent raising them despite US laws requiring a genetic link between US parent and child born outside the US. Having inadvertent lack of laws against IVF children and families is one thing but for someone to deliberately use the loopholes to SPLIT innocent siblings and a loving parent is a hate crime against the IVF family. This is a direct result of continuous secrecy, lying, fraud, breaking laws, and destabilising an IVF family, violating its love and compassion, backing criminals who break laws for their own selfish benefit. The right answer is to fix the laws so that environment like this is not created where infertile people will do anything for the sake of a child including alienating them from their biological family and siblings. Whose best interest are we serving? An adult who lies, cheats, fraud and breaks laws OR the innocent children? Regardless of how we pontificate on this sensitive and “taboo” subject, SPLITTING innocent siblings is NOT the answer.

2) If a woman had used her egg, got a sperm donor and surrogate, and had two lovely IVF children, would the IVF siblings be separated? Would anyone even consider doing this? So the only fault of the innocent IVF siblings to be SPLIT is because their parent is a male? We have a long ways to go as a society but in the process let’s not punish innocent children.

3) As a double whammy – Malaysia airlines lost another plane MH-370 and is dealing with double jeopardy for situations they were placed in circumstantially. The IVF father here is also part of an intersex marriage and that was also dealt with secrecy, lies, fraud and concealed care. The lesson learnt is LYING is not the answer. The world may not be ready yet to deal with complex and so called “taboo” subjects like intersex, IVF, infertility, dysfertility, immigration simultaneously. But that’s our life, these are the facts – we have to DEAL with them regardless of whether the society or the laws are ready. This is our MH-370 and MH-17.

We must turn this moment of outrage into a moment of action and fight for equal rights for IVF children and families. Our hearts and prayers are with the innocent lives lost and their families. Your strength gives us strength.

Respect – Living the Life as A Woman

I am a male. I am not transgender, I am not intersex/DSD, I am not a woman. But having experiences like family caregiving, infertility, primary care provider for children which are “traditionally” associated with women has provided me with a fresh perspective on what it may have been like to live as a woman and undergo abuse for centuries. The worst is that my gender is punishing my innocent children which has forced me to speak up. I have learnt a lot from Susan Anthony’s, Rosa Parks’s and other women in the world and also from likes of Scotsboro boys’. While there is no comparison to what women have gone through for centuries; the injustice, neglect, abuse is what is in common – which is why there is Respect for living as a woman. Sadly, it is a cycle of being used, abused and discarded by others that we find in common. When will we have laws to protect hate crimes against IVF children and families?

1) When I was abused, I stayed silent. The law enforcement tells me that I should have spoken up then and its too late to get justice now. Does that mean the abuse did not occur? When laws were broken forcefully, I stayed silent. The law enforcement tells me that I should have reported the crimes. Does that mean the crimes did not occur? Ironically, plight of some IVF children today is what was done to innocent intersex children which is lies, fraud and manipulation.

2) If there are rape trauma crises centers, if there are sexual abuse trauma crises centers, if there are child abuse trauma crises centers, where are the IVF trauma crises centers? Having crises centers for different issues implies two things – 1) There is acceptance of facts and the need to act to protect the innocent and 2) Qualified professionals trained to act in the best interest of the victim – medical, legal, financial, etc.

In the absence of IVF trauma centers, are we as a society not wanting to accept the facts and that IVF trauma does not exist and it is better to shove the truth under the carpet like the way our society dealt with concealment based approach in treating intersex people or taking away innocent children from their biological mothers during the government approved “baby scoop era”? In the absence of IVF trauma centers, are we as a society failing to provide qualified professionals to victims including innocent IVF children and until justice is received, does it mean the victimization and abuse continues which is blessed by the system due to its inaction and lack of laws?

3) If a woman is pregnant and her spouse abandons the child and the mother-to-be, it is a sinking feeling. Is it like getting kicked in the stomach as a pregnant woman? As a left-behind parent, one moves on for the sake of the child with no child support, loss of dignity and respect for innocent child, possible character humiliations, loss of job, career, separation from family and friends, etc. Same is true for a left-behind IVF parent of an abandoned IVF child, one finds the strength and courage to move on for the sake of the child despite being a male as the society and laws deem “fathers” are “second-class” parents.

If a woman who is abandoned while pregnant, what if the spouse runs away with the older child? This leaves the woman to deal with her pregnancy all alone, provide welfare of the child on her own AND the trauma of losing a child whom she loves. Worse, the older child will not be afforded the love of a sibling he wanted because the parent has split them. In all this, the mother raises the abandoned child through the trauma and hopes someday her children will be UNITED. Is an IVF father of two split siblings allowed to have the same feeling?

If an intended parent abandons an IVF pregnancy after giving consent, who pays the surrogate and what are her rights and whose responsibility it it to raise the IVF child? Is the surrogate also considered a woman whose rights have been violated if left abandoned with an IVF child?

4) For centuries women have been the “traditional family caregiver” and for most part they still are in a majority now. A family caregiver can be in multiple roles – as a parent, child, sibling, etc. However, insenuations have existed like “being a housewife is not a real job”, “stay at home mothers” do not contribute to society, etc. Yet as loving mothers or spouses or daughters or sisters as they are, they continue to spread their love (often in silence) regardless of what laws say or what society thinks while giving up their true potential, ambitions, careers. Same is true as a spouse caregiver of intersex/DSD who is forced into silence.

And when women started asking for their rights be it rape, disenfranchisement, abuse, violence, sexual harassment, etc. initially, it was written off as “being emotional”. That was last century and it may be true even today in several parts of the world. An immigrant, IVF father feels the same way and demand for rights is discarded as “being emotional” while failing to recognize that it is the innocent IVF children who are the ones being punished because of their parent’s gender. Just like Susan Anthony’s of the world, one must continue to fight for the truth regardless of how long it takes.

5) If a woman uses her egg and gets help from a sperm donor and surrogate, she can legally take the child anywhere while if a man uses his sperm and gets help from a egg donor and surrogate, the same is not true. Who is the real victim – the IVF father or the innocent IVF child? Like any parent – mother or father, gay or straight, black or white or Asian, child with Autism or a learning challenge, etc, etc – any parent will speak up when their child is abused, violated and worse used as a “tool”. Every human being has rights, including an innocent IVF child of an IVF father.

6) There is no “I” in infertility or IVF. Dealing with infertility first requires lot of patience and compassion from fellow human beings. “I” cannot do anything. The anxiety, the sleepless nights, the pain, the suffering, the trauma, the loss of child, the failed IVF cycles, the multiple trips to the IVF clinic filled with hope, the thumbing through online forums, the blessing of a IVF child, the joy and celebration of an IVF child, etc etc affects any person dealing with IVF and infertility – it is NOT a woman or man thing, it is a HUMAN thing. Having lived through these experiences which are traditionally associated with women dealing with fertility, it has given a unique perspective on even how innocent IVF children are victimized due to being born to a “man” VS. “woman”. Our society and laws have a long way to catch up.

7) It has taken centuries and lots of abuse, violation of rights, trauma for women to begin to get equal rights in the workplace. When will men get equal rights at home in the family especially in the best interest of innocent children?

8) To the naysayers, I ask a simple question, exactly what more do you want out of a spouse – male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, otherwise?

  • You have a traumatic condition, you deal with it together and become a spouse caregiver,
  • One spouse wants silence at the cost of abuse to the other spouse, you give silence,
  • One spouse wants to lie, fraud and break the laws, you give in to the threats and abuse in silence,
  • One spouse is infertile, you deal with it together using IVF,
  • One spouse is under medical treatment and trauma preventing to be a “primary care provider” for the child, you become a primary care provider for the IVF child in silence,
  • The IVF child both love wants a sibling, both give joint consent to have a second IVF child, one spouse decides to abandon the child while the other is left to pick up the pieces including giving up his son whom he loves AND his son having to give up his primary care provider and a sister he wanted.

Perhaps the spouse is looking for slaves including innocent children with no human rights in 2014? 

Don’t give me love, don’t give me compassion, just give me respect and truth.

If being in a intersex/DSD marriage which the laws do not recognize, if becoming a spouse caregiver of DSD/intersex for a surgery which UN considers torture, if dealing with infertility with respect for the infertile spouse, if raising IVF children due to ongoing medical treatment of the spouse, if dealing with multiple lack of laws for issues like intersex, IVF, immigration in 2014 is too new is RESPECT, then all I ask is to give RESPECT to my innocent children if not me and UNITE them.

Had equal rights for intersex, equal rights for IVF children and families existed, would innocent IVF siblings have been SPLIT? Economic deprivation and loss of financial resources directly threatens the right to get justice in 2014 because no counsel works for free.