Tag Archives: justice

Whose stateless child survivor would you rather be – ISIS or international IVF/Surrogacy? Or neither?

Many people, especially ignorant people want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apolgize for being correct or for being years ahead of your time. If you’re right and you know it, speak your mind. Speak you rmind even if you are a minority of one.  The truth is still the truth. ” – Mahatma Gandhi

On Gandhi Jayanti day, will anyone come to the rescue of stateless children and move forward with the truth?

For most people, it would be insane to compare ISIS Stateless Child and international IVF/Surrogacy Stateless Child but that’s because they have not been viewed from the perspective of a stateless child.STATELESS No loving parent will take the dehumanization of their innocent child lying down – whether done by a stranger OR a relative because it hurts innocent children. In a civilized world, we do NOT make children stateless deliberately and if they become stateless inadvertenty as in the case of IVF/Surrogacy, we resolve it fastest like Australia did in the case of baby Gammy. As a normal human being, we all have sympathy and compassion whenever we hear of an innocent child dying while trying to escape torture, but what does it mean to be stateless? As an educated, white collar professional, what does it mean to raise a stateless child? DEHUMANIZATION of the innocent child – that’s what statelessness is regardless how one got there – physical warfare or lies that break the laws. Who answers the questions of a stateless child?

When a child is stateless, well, they are stateless regardless of how they got there….war, refugee, slavery, international IVF/Surrogacy. As a loving parent, one has to move forward and deal with the practical implications OR abandon the innocent child and run away – sadly no one will care because they are stateless meaning NO RIGHTS. A stateless child means loss of freedom, no identity, loss of basic human dignity and respect, no chance of approaching a court for justice against the perpetrator. For example, a fleeing stateless child can make an arduous trip to Europe or America in trying to escape the persecution and if they die due to the hardships, they have no rights against the person who created this situation.

The Hole Pope said, “I Am Convinced That We Can Make A Difference“. Be it the Catholic church taking decades to recognize the sexual abuse against innocent children while protecting adults OR philanthropists like Rajat Gupta and Bernie Madoff frauding people, OR corporations like Volkswagen falsifying documents and tests, in the end truth prevails no matter how long it takes. We have no doubt the truth will prevail in this case also but will the innocent children be spared and be united and allowed to grow up together in truth and freedom?

Prime Minister Modi of India at his UN speech in 2015 PM Modi of India at UN 2015, “We must reform the United Nations including its Security Council so that it carries greater credibility and legitimacy”. The future is about truth and transparency like books about IVF/Surrogacy for children to help understand the facts and NOT about lies which hurts children and breaks laws like making children “STATELESS”.

And let’s hope the powers to be can address the needs of an abandoned IVF/Surrogacy child by an American who has been DENIED “truth”, “liberty”, and “justice”.  And how does this help a child? Even if inadvertently, are we dehumanizing the child? We just want the cruelty to stop against innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and families.

I don’t have a child who is blind, deaf, without a limb or leg, with Down’s syndrome, with Cystic Fibrosis, or any other commercial condition, I have a child who was used as a tool for blackmail and denied rights as a human being and is stateless. I have children who count and are stateless, is that enough to be treated as an equal?

 

Made Stateless by ISIS, Saddam, GaddafiMade Stateless by IVF/Surrogacy - baby GammyMade Stateless by IVF/Surrogacy - baby Modi
Loss of Freedom (Prison)YesYesYes
Loss of Fundamental RightsYesYesYes
Respect as a ChildNoYesNo
Dignity as a Human BeingNoYesNo
Refugee StatusYesYesNo
Justice and relief from perpetratorNoYesNo

IVF/Surrogacy 2026 and Beyond

The year is 2026. The IVF/Surrogacy children of 2000s and 2010s are grown up and individuals in their own rights. A lot of people in the mainstream including heterosexual, national-son-daughter-ivf-daysingles, LGBTI are having children via IVF/Surrogacy making it NOT a taboo subject. The society is ready to discuss the issues of IVF/Surrogacy from the innocent child’s perspective. How do we respond to the already grown up children who were denied these same rights and instead discriminated because their only fault was to be born via IVF/Surrogacy? How do we make it “right”? Because the failure was for the society (us and now the children too because they are part of the same society) lacking patience and lack of understanding of the issues – the facts about the lives of the innocent children never changed.

  • How do we reconcile statelessness of an innocent child and rendering them in “IVF Prison”?
  • How do we reconcile splitting siblings?
  • How do we reconcile the fact that a child is NOT a child and does not deserve the basic human dignity and respect?
  • How do we reconcile abandonment of a child with NO justice?
  • How do we reconcile surrogate not being paid for her services because a child she gave birth to was abandoned? Is that both a financial and emotional exploitation? Is this what we refer to as “baby making factory”? Regardless of what some people believe that having a child via commercial Surrogacy is giving flames to “baby making factory”, the reality is in 2026 this is mainstream. However, not paying a surrogate and abandoning a child is NOT mainstream and NEVER will be. Both deserve basic human dignity and respect.
  • How do we reconcile the LOVE of an IVF/Surrogacy parent for their IVF/Surrogacy child or is their love LESS? A loving parent does not see a child as “deaf” or “disability” or other monikers that people and the system (through its laws) define, a loving parent sees a child as just a child, isn’t that enough?
  • How do we reconcile that there are NO services and support for a left-behind parent of an IVF/Surrogacy child? Isn’t the diapers, milk, food for the child? Then why are the same basic supplies not made available to a left-behind parent of an IVF/Surrogacy child?
  • How do we reconcile that there is NO parental leave for parents of IVF/Surrogacy children? Is the implication that the innocent child be raised by thin air?
  • Why is it that IVF/Surrogacy parents have to ask for these basic rights and that too to care for a child? As a society haven’t we already given these rights to any parent or any child? Then why this discrimination against innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and families?

We are still in 2010. Still looking for justice. Social issues have always been on the slow burner. But perhaps in the “best interest of the child”, we are hoping that making a child stateless, abandoning a child and knowingly splitting siblings will NEVER be OK.

It is upto our society, including the innocent children who are part of the society, to allow transparency and truth to prevail. The beautiful thing about truth is that it can stand on its own and does not need anyone’s support. Ironically we as a people, attach and/or associate “truth” with the person delivering it when in fact truth can stand all on its own. Similarly, one should NOT attach a “person” delivering the message about a cause, if the cause is genuine then it can stand on its own.

And if equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children is not necessary, how can we reconcile the coming changes in the laws in the next few years/decades? This means something is broken and the laws were behind technology and that’s why it’s OK to make innocent children stateless and stealing their basic human dignity and respect?

Coming To America for Justice for IVF Children

Little over 25 years ago, like many immigrants at the time and millions more before us over the centuries came to America – the promised land of truth, liberty and justiceBornFreeJustice-IVF It was an exciting time, on the fun side, movies like “Coming to America” was released which captured the American spirit of hard work and respect for all. On a more serious note, in 2015, it is again a very exciting time to “Coming to America” as an international IVF/Surrogacy children and family to get justice we deserve. Freedom to roam free and opportunity to be united as intended as a family. It is important to go through the process of justice because only then it can be fully understood the torture, trauma, abuse, injustice, horror of what we went through and this should NEVER occur again. If there is a country, a system not afraid of the truth, then it is America who can give us the basic human dignity and respect as human beings. It is this faith and hope in America where everyone is equal is what gives us the strength and courage to say the truth.

In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. – “A threat to justice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” and “Justice delayed is justice denied“. Our prayers are to let truth prevail and do what’s in the best interest of the innocent children.

On the positive side, if anyone looks at our case honestly and hollistically, more has been done for human rights where laws and governments fall short. If an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent helps by respecting human rights of people where laws and government itself fall short, who protects their rights? Or is it a crime to show compassion? Why is it the burden of innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and parent to give rights to intersex, immigrant, infertile where laws itself fall short? Isn’t that what governments and laws do? We tried and ended up splitting our world apart, it is obvious it is NOT the job of individuals. Are innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and their parents human beings too equally deserving of basic human dignity and respect?

There is no doubt that intersex marriage, immigration, legal third gender, equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families will be legal someday (1,5,10,20,50 years?) which is what we have already been through in secrecy and lies but even then abandoning a child (natural born or IVF/Surrogacy born) will remain a crime. Because that’s the America I know and love. Once a child is born, regardless of their birth type, they are equal and should be deserving of justice. Ironically, good-minded people, government officials, system, etc. say things which are offensive and is a downright discrimination based on birth type but because of the “newness” don’t realize their inadvertent offensive words and/or actions. It simply shows there is a lot more work to do to educate and spread awareness and build tolerance for IVF/Surrogacy children and families. Is building families through IVF/Surrogacy a crime? Or is it so heinous that families should be forced to be split up? Or is that the laws have not caught up with technology?

America is a great land where once the social conscience is awakened, it takes action rather than persecuting the messenger. From slavery to women suffrage to civil rights to gay rights, we have great historical lessons of justice, is it time for equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families? We are coming to America for justice and freedom – something alienated and stolen from innocent IVF/Surrogacy siblings. This is a dream of an IVF parent to unite his innocent children but he is also an American and Americans don’t leave one of their own behind and nor do they ever stop fighting for truth and justice. Together we move ahead.

It’s a new dawn, 2015 is a new year. Is the world ready to embrace the ground realities and the lack of laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families? The only way forward is ahead and together. We need honesty and inclusiveness in solving complex international IVF/Surrogacy child rights and human rights issues; secrecy, lies, circumventing laws are not healthy nor are they in the best interest of the child.

International IVF/Surrogacy and The Quest for Basic Human Dignity and Respect

Let there be no doubt – we are extremely grateful to the Indian and US governments, the officials, and all the people who signed the petition and gave AskObamaModi-IVFsupport and some went beyond and above to support (you know who you are) in order to take the first steps to UNITE innocent IVF/Surrogacy children – siblings. They are innocent and they are children – they are voiceless and they deserve basic human dignity and respect. This should have NEVER happened in the first place and should NEVER happen again.  Infertility is often dealt with secrecy and lies meaning very few stories come out – does that mean the best interest of the child has been maintained? By stating the truth and petitioning the democratically elected officials for change in the best interest of the child is the right answer. If its a crime to discriminate based on race, gender, religion, birth place, gender orientation, etc, it should also be a crime to discriminate based on birth type – IVF/Surrogacy or natural. For one IVF parent, this is a lifelong fight – first for innocent IVF children and there are miles to go before one sleeps. It is one thing when the laws are playing “catch up” with technology but it is another for someone to use the loopholes to deny basic human dignity and respect to innocent, voiceless IVF/Surrogacy children. At the end of the day, this is about FREEDOM. We GAVE the world where laws itself fall short in an intersex marriage, intersex immigration, infertility, IVF and our WORLD has been taken away from us. Why is the burden of giving equal rights for an intersex, infertile, immigrant be placed on an IVF father and his children, shouldn’t it be the responsibility of the governments and laws? An IVF father and his IVF children are human beings too with equal rights and deserve justice too, right? We are fighting against TIME and its time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.

We ensure the coffee we purchase from abroad is “worker rights” approved, we ensure the clothes we purchase from abroad is “child rights” approved but abandoning an IVF/Surrogacy child abroad has NO rights? A living breathing, human being who came into this world with consent of an American. This is NOT the America I know. We have baby changing stations in public places, we have special signages for kids in public places, people stop when kids cross the road even if they are breaking the laws but NO justice for an abandoned IVF/Surrogacy child abroad? This is NOT the America I know. We can do better, we must do better for the international IVF/Surrogacy children who are human beings too and are just as valuable and equal as any other child who deserve equal rights AND justice.

Question posted on #MannKiBaat held on January 27, 2015 : Honourable Modiji and Obamaji, in the 21st century, when will we get equal rights for #‎IVF‬ children and families? As Gandhiji said, someone you both admire and respect, what can you as global world leaders do to help to become the change you want to see in this world? #‎ChildRights‬‪ #‎HumanRights‬

Become the change you want to see in this world” – Mahatma Gandhi

This was an inspiration 15 years ago when unknowingly we embarked on a journey of intersex, immigrant, IVF rights and still continues to inspire today as we seek equal rights and respect for all. Let us see some use cases of international IVF/Surrogacy and its effects. Its important to note this is not the norm and  each are unique in their own way and in the end each case was dealt separately in the best interest of the child because EVERY LIFE counts.

  • Case 1) A US Citizen single mother had used donor sperm and donor egg to have children through IVF. She is a dual citizen and carried the IVF twins to term and gave birth to them outside the US but when she approached the US Government, her innocent IVF twins were DENIED US Citizenship because as per US Immigration laws she did not have a “genetic link” rendering the innocent children “stateless”. After 4.5 years of petitioning, the US government changed its laws AND made it retroactive to allow her children to get US Citizenship. Its the right way forward and kudos to the US to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).
  • Case 2) A Canadian couple used an anonymous egg donor and surrogate in India using the husband’s sperm and had twins through IVF/Surrogacy in India but sadly one of the twins had no “genetic link” with the Canadian husband and due to prevailing Canadian Immigration laws, one of the IVF siblings could not leave India and became “stateless”. The couple took the BOLD step to moving lock, stock and barrel from Canada to India AND NEVER thought of abandoning or splitting the siblings and for 6 years continued to fight and petition their government eventually the government softening its stance to allow the “non-genetic” IVF child to immigrate to Canada. Its the right way forward and kudos to Canada to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).
  • Case 3) An Australian couple used an anonymous egg donor and surrogate in Thailand using the husband’s sperm and had twins through IVF/Surrogacy in Thailand but sadly one of the twins was born with Down’s Syndrome and the Australian couple split the siblings leaving behind one of the child while taking the other with them back to Australia. The left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child with Down’s syndrome is #babyGammy and in less than a year, the Australian government allowed #babyGammy and his surrogate to immigrate to Australia, gave them a home, car, money and an Australian citizenship with all its benefits and rights. Its the right way forward and kudos to Australia to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).
  • Case 4) An Indian couple who were living in the US as immigrants already had one IVF/Surrogacy child and wanted to provide a sibling. The IVF father using his sperm, anonymous egg donor and surrogate in India has two lovely IVF/Surrogacy children born in India and while one is in the US, the other was abandoned and left-behind in India. While the IVF father can go anywhere, the innocent IVF/Surrogacy girl child in India is rendered “stateless” leaving the IVF father to make a “Sophie’s Choice” (Oscar nominated Meryl Streep movie from 1984) between his lovely IVF son in US OR his lovely IVF daughter in India? After 5.5 years of petitioning, the Indian and US governments worked together to allow a “legal identity” for the left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child. Its the right way forward and kudos to the Indian and US governments  to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).

We look forward to UNITE innocent siblings and we want justice – which is basic human dignity and respect.

Analysis – Personal issue or laws catching up with technology issues? Is there a difference between IVF parent or IVF father and more importantly, what does the IVF child care about?

  • When the IVF children of the “dual citizen mother” in case 1 were given basic human dignity and respect, the IVF father asked for the same for his innocent children but was denied. The consequences are on the innocent IVF children and no parent wants their child to be punished for crimes they did not commit. Is it a crime to be born through IVF/Surrogacy? Or is it because the “legal parent” is a “male”? It is time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.
  • When the IVF child of the Canadian couple in case 2 was given basic human dignity and respect, the IVF father again asked for the same for his innocent children but was denied. Is it a crime to be born through IVF/Surrogacy? Or is it because the “legal parent” is a “male”? It is time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.
  • When #babyGammy in Case 3 was given Australian citizenship, rights, home, car, money, etc. and given basic human dignity and respect, the IVF father again asked for the same for his innocent children but was denied. Instead of providing rights to the child, the IVF father was asked to provide financial support (as required by laws), asked why he has been unemployed for last 5+ years outside the US (trying to save a left-behind girl child), etc. We don’t want the money, the home, the car, we just want justice and basic human dignity and respect. Why is a left-behind innocent IVF/Surrogacy girl child being discriminated based on her “legal parent’s” gender – a male? It is time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.

Having a “left-behind” male parent is rare but IVF/Surrogacy presents this situation. The question is what are the consequences and how do we MOVE FORWARD in the best interest of the child who has same needs as any other child – right to basic human dignity and respect.

This is NOT a “personal issue”, this is a child rights issue and a human rights issue and basic human dignity and respect for every human life. International IVF/Surrogacy presents some unique situations, are the laws there to protect the innocent both when the results are GOOD and BAD? Is there a check and balance? As we have seen, most IVF/Surrogacy parents (genetic or non-genetic) uphold their responsibility and accountability for the welfare of the child, what happens when they don’t? What happens when there are a few bad apples? What are the rights of the abandoned, left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child? Answers to these questions are NOT a “personal issue” but a multilateral approach by governments to make laws in the best interest of children while maintaining basic human dignity and respect for every life. In the 21st century, the laws need to get in sync with the ground realities before more innocent children are hurt.

Its time to be on the RIGHT side of HISTORY. In the future, intersex marriages will be legal and respected (like we did), infertility will be respected and legal (like we did), IVF/Surrogacy will be respected and legal (like we did), BUT ABANDONING a child (IVF or natural) is a crime today and will REMAIN A CRIME even when these other rights are bestowed. As an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and fighting for basic human dignity and respect, I have experienced abuse, offensive interactions (sometimes the other person/government not even realizing they are being offensive), discrimination, double standards, threats, intimidation, torture, etc. These have only made me stronger to fight for my innocent, voiceless children who are EQUALLY deserving of rights as a child. We did NOT get into this situation “accidentally”, we were deliberately placed here and we are ONLY beginning to DIG OUT. As a minority within a minority, we are HUMANS too, we have EQUAL RIGHTS too, or don’t we? We are fighting against TIME and its time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.

International IVF/Surrogacy Freedom….Freedom….Freedom

Freedom….freedom….freedom (Sing it to the tune of Eddie James song, Freedom). Oh! how sweet is the feeling of freedom. Especially when you are fightingIVF-Freedom for someone else’s freedom. Especially when the freedom is of a child. Especially when the freedom is of an innocent. Especially when the freedom is of a girl. Especially when the freedom is of a sister. Especially when the freedom is of a daughter. Especially when the freedom is of an abandoned child. 1951 days, 20 hours, 42 seconds is apparently the wait time for IVF Freedom. This is a moment to enjoy the freedom and be grateful to everyone who has helped on this journey of freedom for innocent IVF/Surrogacy child.

Today is the beginning of a new era. It is an era of freedom and truth. It is an era of basic human dignity and respect even for the most innocent of lives. It is an era that the freed will define. It is an era where dreams will be made, dreams will be freely shared, dreams will be freely experienced, dreams will be freely lived. It is an era where every human life counts and is valued equally. It is an era where the voiceless have a voice. It is an era where the minority within minority is also respected and allowed to live freely.

It is a momentous week for international left-behind IVF/Surrogacy children. #babyGammy in Australia and @UniteMeduvada in India and US. We also respect IVF baby C of Canada whose parents stuck it out in India for 6 years before getting freedom. This is a club no one wishes on anyone to be a part of but everyone survived to make it through. Let us hope the democratically elected governments are listening to the real issues of real citizens who are building families in a different way through international IVF/Surrogacy and its consequences on innocent children. We can only move forward together while inadvertently not denying rights of the people we love most – innocent children. Wish everyone a hearty hug of freedom and a dollop of equality and may the fresh air of freedom make all your dreams come true. Let the child shine brighter than the sun.

Disarming a Threat – IVF, Immigration, Intersex Issues of 21st Century

Anytime someone threatens you, it needs to be addressed. Ignoring a threat will only lead to worsening circumstances. The response must be balanced, peaceful and Intersex-Genderbread-Person-IVFin our ever increasing litigious world, it must involve others whether authorities, agencies, credible individuals, etc. You need evidence of both the threat AND your response. The primary reason is to FIRST protect yourself. Just like in the instructions in a plane, if the oxygen masks were to be deployed, first place the mask on yourself and then help others including little children. Same principle applies when you face a threat.

We are NOT here to discuss intersex, IVF, infertility. We are here to discuss when there is lack of laws to deal with intersex, IVF, infertility, do these inequities affect both the intersex person and the spouse and innocent IVF children who have also inherited the inequities? And what is the right approach? Splitting innocent IVF siblings is not right in any book whether understood today or understood decades from now. The case is so far ahead that while most of the society doesn’t even recognize intersex but tries to hide, lie and be secretive (only causing more trauma and not leading to new laws).  Are threats the right way to approach the lack of laws situation or is it better to state the truth and ask for equal rights by peacefully petitioning the government? An equitable solution is needed while respecting all including innocent IVF children. Is a person who tries to help an intersex, infertile person also a victim of same lack of laws?

A threat can be someone pointing a gun or knife at you. The idea is to either disarm the gun or knife from them OR get away from the person. Then one has to make a report so that it does NOT occur again and appropriate steps are taken to address the issue.

If someone threatens you with words and verbiage. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken.

If someone threatens you with suicide. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken including medical help.

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. If a person is infertile and laws require a “genetic link” to bring a child born in India to the US, do not succumb to threats of suicide to help a person lie because it will only lead to disastrous consequences. You may also be held complicit to the lies and fraud for helping an infertile person to have a child where laws itself fall short. Is helping infertility (where laws fall short) the same or better or worse than abandoning a child? Lesson learnt is DO NOT help an infertile person to break laws. Shouldn’t the government instead be providing equal rights for infertile people so they don’t feel threatened and NOT to punish innocent victims like the spouse and children who are trying to help infertility? If a fertile person can SHARE a child with an infertile person, can an infertile person SHARE the same child with his siblings and family?

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. An intersex person is subjected to surgery which is now banned because it is so torturous. We are in agreement that the surgery should be banned, there is no proper medical evidence to force this surgery during a marriage under secrecy and lies. And if the “experts” feel they are right, then why did they have to lie on medical records, what are they trying to hide? If you are threatened to ALSO lie and live in secrecy, what are the effects on you? How do you go get professional help like psychological sessions if you are forced to lie to them? If the surgery is very traumatic for the patient, if the surgery is very traumatic for other family members like parents of the intersex child, what are the effects of the same surgery on a spouse and children when the surgery is performed during a marriage? But see you succumbed to the threats and therefore one can’t even get the help they need and neither can the innocent children.

It is a very SAD situation and something no parent wants to teach their children. A person who respects an intersex spouse where laws itself fall short, a person who SHARES a child with an infertile person where laws itself fall short, a person who wants to SAVE his innocent daughter from being abandoned is a compassionate person and respects diversity and thats what he would like to teach his children. Instead he has been taught that be SELFISH, LIE, FRAUD, CHEAT, BREAK LAWS because that’s the only way you get rewarded. Respecting diversity and respecting others is WRONG.

So as an intersex, immigrant, IVF father, who has managed to survive, the advise for children is to be SELFISH to survive in this world, sad but true. Let’s hope I am wrong because if I am right and had followed this advise, my innocent IVF children would not exist today including the compassion of the donors and surrogates.

While bringing a child into this world is a very emotional, bringing an international IVF/Surrogacy child into this world is full of land mines, lack of laws and only exasperated by the facts that in some cases, innocent IVF/Surrogacy children are left without justice. Making a mistake (lack of laws) is one thing but inaction is another and more importantly, denying rights to an innocent child makes things worse. Are abandoned IVF children humans too? And why is no action taken to protect and safeguard their rights?

The technology is new, the laws haven’t caught up with technology but is abandoning a child still a crime? If people resort to new and sophisticated ways of abandoning children, are the laws and authorities equipped to combat and protect the rights of the innocent children? Last I checked, child is still a child and deserves equal protection under the law. Making them into “casualties of the war on fertility” is not the answer. They are NOT the collateral damage, they are innocent and in any war, innocent children are always spared but perhaps the war on fertility is different? We need to have laws on both sides which are inclusive and give equal rights to both fertile and infertile people but innocent children should always come FIRST.

Third Party Reproduction and Its Effects

Third party reproduction is when someone (married, single, straight, gay lesbian, intersex) has a “gestational carrier” (legal term) as a “third party”carrier to deliver a third-party-reproduction-surrogacylovely baby. Commonly this is referred to as surrogacy. What are the effects of using third party reproduction and when sometimes laws fall short? What is the impact on the innocent child? Also, one has to differentiate between “intent” Vs. “state of laws and its effects”. The scenarios below can be any fertile person who wants to help an infertile person, this could have been you. That doesn’t mean infertile people are bad OR infertility is wrong, it just means just like everything else in life, there are a few bad apples and we need laws to both protect and ensure rights of innocent and provide a “check and balance” system so it can serve as a deterrent for a few bad apples to even contemplate something so heinous. How much enough is enough? Rosa Parks stood up against prevailing laws because it was enough. Seeing our innocent children get punished and hurt is enough for an intersex, immigrant, IVF family to speak up.

Legally,  IVF children born through donor and surrogate who are not your spouse are deemed as children “born out of wedlock”. As offensive as it is (insenuates affairs, infidelity, etc) and deserves its own separate discussion, then how does an infertile couple have a child “born in marriage” legally? What are the legal implications on innocent children born this way? What rights do children have when born during a divorce? Are they legally non-existent and invisible? Why double standards in dealing with two IVF/Surrogacy children who are born exactly the same way? One was lied about while other was being truthful. Is the message that lies which happens to break laws should be rewarded? And how does this status quo help change unequal laws? The real threat is the unequal laws and so more unsuspecting, innocent fertile people (men or women) will be targeted and so will their IVF children “born out of wedlock”. Sadly our lives are ruled by laws (equal or unequal) and not ruled by compassion. Its ironic that compassion is lost in some cases because at the very core of surrogacy, its the compassion to help a fellow human being.

1) First, “surrogacy” or “third party reproduction” itself is controversial. You may find people who are strictly opposed to it Vs. those who find it necessary to have a child. Neither came to this decision overnight. What is right or wrong, who is to decide? What is unacceptable today may be acceptable 10-20-30-40 years from now. Regardless of which side of the discussion one finds themselves, rights of all involved including the child and surrogate should be respected and protected by laws. Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to the innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

2) If a woman uses donor egg and donor sperm and using IVF gets pregnant and carries the children to term and gives birth, is she a “surrogate” or a “gestational carrier” or a “mother”? Her every intent was to have children and raise them lovingly. Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

3) If a woman uses donor sperm and surrogate and using her own egg has IVF/Surrogacy children, are the children “siblings” as intended and is she the “primary care provider” by actions and is she the “mother”? Her every intent was to have children and raise them lovingly together. Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

4) If a man uses donor egg and surrogate and using his own sperm has IVF/Surrogacy children, are the children “siblings” as intended and is he the “primary care provider” by actions and is he the “father”? His every intent was to have children and raise them lovingly together.  Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

Rarely are siblings split. Even rarely, IVF siblings are split up. In fact, loving IVF parents go through great lengths to keep IVF siblings united despite the archaic laws. Then why are IVF children of an IVF father being split? Can we spare the innocent children?

Like any other technology, it can be used for good or bad. While a few bad apples may ruin it for all, it is the responsibility of government to provide laws which ensure and protect the rights of all and provide appropriate checks and balance in the system. If Commercial Surrogacy is banned within countries like US (some states), UK, Australia (some states), Canada, France, Germany, etc., one can imagine what havoc it can create when surrogacy is involved internationally especially with some areas operating  either with no laws or laws are being broken, how does one get justice? It is a fact there are NO international laws for IVF/Surrogacy while we do have international laws for child abduction and child adoption in the best interest of the child. So who PROTECTS and ENSURES the rights of an international IVF/Surrogacy child? Or should people who manipulate the inconsistencies at the cost of innocent children denying their rights and surrogates be let off?

Corollaries 

1) While rare, it may occur that a woman is raped and gets pregnant. Instead of making sense of the trauma of being raped, its a very sensitive time for her as she decides what to do with the child? Worse, she may be subjected to “blame the victim” approach during this horrendous time including name calling, false allegations, defamation, etc.

2) Sometimes a woman may have got pregnant with deceit where a male partner promises support for the child to be but only to abandon the child when born and the left-behind parent is left to pick up the pieces. If there was NO consent, there would be NO child.

In both these cases, there are laws to protect the victims and especially the innocent child. Is the same true for innocent children born through international IVF/surrogacy? Child is a child, right?

3) Sometimes, what if a male who is part of an infertile marriage and in order to help infertility, jointly with the infertile spouse consents to have an IVF/Surrogacy child. Using his own sperm and with help of compassionate egg donor and surrogate decides to have a child with joint consent alongwith the infertile spouse. Later, the infertile spouse decides to not take custody of the child and abandons them. Its rare for a male to be deceited in pregnancy, but that’s what new technology like IVF/Surrogacy presents in some cases. What are the protections and forms of relief that laws provide? If there was NO consent, there would be NO child.

4) What if both intended parents abandon the child, is the surrogate left in a very sensitive situation as she decides what to do for the child she wasn’t planning to raise? What are the rights of an abandoned surrogate? Who pays her? Who raises the child?

Its rare to get pregnant when raped, its rare to have an abandoned IVF child as a surrogate, question is what do you do when it happens? What are the protections and forms of relief through justice that laws provide?

What if a male partner who used his sperm and had a child with compassion of egg donor and surrogate but did NOT abandon the child, should he (rather his innocent child) be getting help from the laws or should there be a “blame the victim” approach against the left-behind IVF parent during this horrendous time including name calling, false allegations, defamation, etc. Is his fault NOT wanting to abandon the child or is his fault for daring to state the truth and for seeking justice for his innocent children? In the bigger sense, he helped infertility where laws itself fall short, what have others and the laws done to help infertility? It is one thing to want to solve world hunger and another to actually take specific actions to ensure no one sleeps hungry.

For any person, discrimination is hard to digest. We all would like to live in a discrimination-free world but reality is different. For a parent, as an adult, they learn to accept facts on discrimination of various kinds but to have their children be discriminated, its the straw that breaks the camel’s back and one has to speak up. Life is unfair, life is unequal but why should innocent children have to be the ones to learn it, shouldn’t it be something an infertile adult understands meaning shouldn’t they be petitioning for equal fertility rights rather than splitting innocent siblings?

Past, Present, Future for Intersex, Immigrant, IVF Families

Living in the past is unhelpful but we all are a sum aggregate of our experiences which is including the past. Living for today is one thing we can be certain of and gandhi-father day-truthallows us an opportunity to make a difference. Living for tomorrow is helpful to set goals and is needed as we think about future generations, especially our children and grandchildren. Feeling threatened by laws (or lack thereof) is one thing but to take it out on innocent children is another. Respect all including innocent, voiceless children is the right way forward just like respecting innocent intersex children or innocent IVF children “born out of wedlock”. Let us not create a whole new generation of children under secrecy and lies because we have seen the effects of it as evidenced by SPLIT innocent IVF siblings. Lies and secrecy helps no one, perhaps honesty and compassion has a shot? We have a choice – to be in the PAST (continue to live in silence while creating more victims) or live for the FUTURE (to UNITE and petition the respective authorities for change and updation of laws). The choice we make TODAY is our PRESENT– depending on what action we take. We support efforts to help infertility but do they have to come at the cost of rights of others including innocent IVF siblings, can’t we find better ways?

This is the approach taken when dealing with intersex rights and IVF rights. Neither the past nor the present offer equal rights for intersex or IVF families. Maybe the future will? Will it happen automatically or will people have to speak up? If equal rights existed for intersex or IVF families, perhaps innocent children “born out of wedlock” of an intersex, immigrant, IVF family would not be split up as no one would feel threatened by the anti-intersex and anti-IVF laws.

It is one thing to say to a intersex, immigrant, IVF survivor to stop living in the past without taking the time to understand the crux of the issues which is lack of equal rights. And silence the survivor will not achieve goals; petitioning, education, awareness will. We tried the silence and compassion approach and has helped no one – especially the innocent siblings who have been willfully split up.

Am pretty sure even the intersex, immigrant, infertile person who masterminded this situation doesn’t feel comfortable knowing that others like them who are intersexed, immigrant, infertile legally still cannot achieve what they have. And we hope that everyone joins us in the fight to get equal rights for intersex and IVF rights. That is the right answer. Living in silence or under threats is certainly not the right answer as is evidenced by the split innocent siblings being punished for crimes they did not commit. The past, present, and future is how do we reconcile the situation for innocent children? And if we are unable to, what answers do we provide them? That breaking laws is right to get what you want and showing compassion where laws itself fall short is evil?

Protecting women from getting raped is about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility. Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach, the question to ask is what can each one of us do to stop this ghastly crime from occurring in the first place? Protecting against racism is also about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility as evidenced by recent protests across US. Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach, the question to ask is what have you done to stand up against racism? Protecting IVF child from an IVFphile is about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility. IVF exists to help infertility but do innocent, voiceless children deserve rights too? Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach against the IVF parent and his IVF children “born out of wedlock”, the question to ask is what have you done to help infertility?

Heard a story about how one woman was being given the cat calls, harassed, eave teasing and so on. It had happened several times before. But that day, she decided to take action and enough is enough, she turned around and slapped the man.

Should she have done this the first time it happened to her? Did the same man also harass her previously or was it the first time by this specific person but she had been a victim of lewd approaches several times before by others? Now that she has slapped him, will this treacherous activity stop for the lady meaning will she not get teased, not get those looks? Sadly, no. She feels confident as a person to speak up, take a stand, and if no one else will, she did something rather than continuing to suffer in silence. Why did she decide to speak up now? Because enough is enough.

When an immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children “born out of wedlock” are split after years of silent suffering and abuse, its the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Is it the first time an IVF family has been discriminated? Now that an IVF parent has decided to speak up, does it mean equal IVF rights for both fertile and infertile people will become a reality? Does it mean the innocent, voiceless siblings will be UNITED? When is/How much “enough” is enough?

Why We Need IVF Crisis Centers and What Is Their Impact?

IVF-Crisis-CenterWould the same children have got justice if a husband had abandoned them? Would the cry of a helpless intersex, immigrant, IVF father for his children be heard if crisis centers existed?  There is nothing stereotypical about an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent. What is worse is their children cannot get justice? Is that right? If there are rape crisis centers, why are there no IVF crisis centers? Rape is a terrible crime and for decades if not centuries has been either shoved under the carpet and worse no justice for the survivors who instead are re-victimized using a “blame the victim” approach. We can take some learning lessons on how we have dealt with this? Rape can also include sexual, emotional, financial and social rape. If IVF crisis centers existed, would innocent IVF children  and families get justice they deserve? What is the impact of crisis centers?

  1. Legally, an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent cannot exist without violating some laws. This means when you approach a court for relief, you will first be intimidated, threatened with dire consequences because laws have been violated and are complicit to the crimes, the result is the parent is denied justice and implicitly are the innocent children. Slavery was legal but still wrong, “Jim Crow” laws were legal but Rosa Parks was right for taking a stand against the prevailing laws. What should an intersex, immigrant, IVF father do because cheating, lying, abuse, abandoning an innocent child will always remain a crime regardless of decade or century.
  2. In any war, the innocent and children are spared. Then why aren’t innocent children spared in the war on fertility? With complex international case of IVF severely lacking laws, what if someone with full knowledge of laws (or lack thereof) misuses them for personal benefit while denying rights to innocent children. Who protects them? A crisis center can help separate facts from fiction and help innocent.
  3. If a person is raped, a heinous act, they cannot change that but crisis centers can provide moral, emotional, legal, financial support. They get to meet other survivors of rape. They also get an opportunity to seek justice through proper channels with access to proper tools. Courts, police, evidence, justice system, etc. They also have a support group including medical professionals, lawyers, police, other survivors who encourage them to share the truth and not doubt OR ask them to be hushed and forget the heinous crime ( as was 100 years ago).
  4. Now imagine a repeat of this for an IVF parent. Worse, imagine not getting justice for innocent IVF children? Without a crisis center, all the tools are absent and inaccessible and justice is denied and a survivor is victimized again using a “blame the victim” approach. Is helping an infertile person a crime and will it be so forever?
  5. If a rape survivor is not given proper support, that does not mean the rape did not occur and they still want justice. Without proper tools, they will try to collect evidence, testimony, etc on their own just so that they can file a legal case. A rapist is neither a good person nor void of other crimes meaning when a rape survivor tries to collect evidence on their own, they may be exposed to other bad elements of society including more crimes and possibly risking their life and worse exposing them to be raped again. But the thirst for justice is so high that these risks seem miniscule.
  6. Now imagine an IVF parent trying to seek justice for his IVF children. They are also exposed to criminals who are white collar criminals and more dangerous because they use education as the weapon of choice to lie. How is that justice for abandoned IVF child and an alienated IVF child?
  7. People want to believe we live in an “equal” world. The reality is we would like to live in an “equal” world but are working towards it. This is a fact and acceptance of the problem is the first step towards a solution. If world was equal, intersex marriages would be legal. If world was equal, parents could immigrate with children without a genetic link (highly relevant legal criteria in international IVF). If world was equal, breastfeeding an infant would require one to have milk and not whether you are male or female, mother or father. In IVF or adoption cases, it is not uncommon for the intended parent to breastfeed even though the birth mother is a different individual.
  8. The idea is simple – truth can only help, denying it can only create more victims. And justice often is synchronous with truth as it seeks facts. When truth is denied, justice is denied and the future is not helped because no change occurs as we are still in denial.
  9. As the recent medical report about Adam Lanza revealed that it was the “appeasement approach” including the mother and the so called “experts” which led to his demise and other innocent. The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun“, it can also be false records with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims. When the “experts”/ “system” teaches a person to lie whether through appeasement or directly, it can have disastrous consequences creating innocent victims including children just like for intersex, immigrant, IVF families.
  10. Change is constant and its often encountered with opposition at first leading to secrecy, lies, false allegations, persecution, etc. As it stands today, an intersex, immigrant, IVF person cannot take an IVF child born in India to the US if all laws are followed, does that mean one should lie, cheat, fraud and deny rights of others including innocent children? The right answer is accepting facts, changing laws and moving forward. Denial is not a solution.

Happy Thanksgiving 2014

I am very thankful for having healthy and loving children – two through IVF and one naturally. Sadly, as a loving parent in 2014, one is still forced to pay it forward living 22nd centurydifferentiate between their children based on “birth type” not by choice but because thats how the laws view them. Ideally, a child is a child with no “adjectives”. We are thankful for thriving democracies like India and the US where petitioning the government for change peacefully is not met with intimidation, threats but rather free speech is respected. As an intersex, immigrant, IVF father in 2000s and with no IVF trauma crisis centers, it takes a while to pick up the pieces but one is thankful and hopeful for the world ahead. I am very thankful for the love and support of family who have literally provided a second birth both for me and my abandoned child. Another year, another year of being divided.

I am not anti-intersex or anti-infertility or anti-IVF or anti-immigrants, I just happen to be pro-truth. Just look at the body of work based on actions and not lies that people including the system wants to propagandize. As someone who stood at the edge of the war on intersex rights, at the edge of war on fertility and having amazingly survived one cannot let that voice be silenced. Non-genetic  parents deserve compassion and rights but they also have responsibility and accountability. Unless the laws are there to protect innocent children, this vicious cycle of secrecy, lies, fraud, breaking laws, etc. will continue and create more innocent victims.  One would have to take time and traverse 10 years it took for them to arrive into this wonderful world only to be willfully SPLIT. Rather than celebrating them, one is more engaged in “owning” them, rather than freeing them, one is more engaged in “restricting” them, rather than being THANKFUL for their existence, one is more engaged in “lying and disrespecting” them. There are lot better ways to help infertile people in this world than SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings – people (yes, they are human too with emotions!). For the rest of the world, it may just be “some children”, for us, they are our world.

The fundamental problem is that even in 2014, an intersex, infertile, immigrant cannot have a child legally. So what are they supposed to do? Lie, force others to lie, create fraud documents, split innocent children from their loving family, split siblings, placing innocent children in legal limbo, and on and on and on? The right answer is to stop this cycle of secrecy and lies and have equal rights including innocent IVF children and families. If equal intersex rights and equal fertility rights existed, my innocent children, SIBLINGS, would NOT have been split and uniting them is a lifelong dream and goal like any other parent’s.

Do “infertile” people exist or are the laws ignoring their needs? And if there should be laws for “infertile” people, should there also be laws for “dysfertile” people? More importantly, should laws provide an environment which fosters truth or is the lack of laws promoting an environment of secrecy, lies, fraud, false allegations? More importantly, how are the lies and breaking laws in “best interest of the child”?

The question is NOT whether a child being raised by a non-genetic parent is happy? The question is can he be happier? The question is what are his rights to be allowed to be grow up with a sibling he wanted? The question is what are his rights to grow up with his primary care provider? The question is why is he being DENIED what so many other children take for granted? Is he also a victim of the lack of laws for fertility just like his sibling and his loving biological parent? The answer to this question does not lie with some “expert” or a misguided system which later “apologizes” like they did for the baby scoop era, the answer lies with someone who has gone through it like Ms. Carlina White. The “need to know” is innate to any human, same reason why we innovate and the same reason we seek truth – nothing to do with intersex, or IVF, or immigration. When governments are stubborn with laws, innocent human beings suffer like slavery, women suffrage, civil rights, gay rights, etc. And it takes individuals to be “stubborn” and hold their ground peacefully and petition the government for change. When will we see IVF rights so people don’t have to resort to lying, cheating, frauding, breaking laws? 

A fertile parent has already proven he is willing to SHARE his child with an infertile parent, now the ball is in their court, is an infertile parent willing to SHARE a child? Or will there be more LYING…we tried that and the result is innocent siblings being SPLIT, how will more lying resolve anything?

No one is claiming that life of an intersex, immigrant, infertile person is not traumatic – while others including experts can only give academic answers, a person who has lived the trauma alongside and be there every step of the way and survived knows this. But are there other victims too? Every murderer or rapist is also a son or daughter of someone, is also a brother or sister of someone, is also a spouse of someone. We have people who are “drive-by” experts and miss the devils in the details. They look at the “stereotypical” lens of only a man can be a perpetrator of domestic violence and abuse. Can he and his children also be victims? More importantly, when innocent children are victims of abuse, can they only get justice if the abuse was perpetrated by the “father”?

If there was no abuse on the spouse, then why after 10 years of forced silence and abuse, the survivor feels more closer and relevant to victims of Castro and Fritzl, feels more relevant to the biological parents who were taken away from their children during the baby scoop era, to the rape victims who are encouraged to “hush up” and “forget” instead of speaking up and reporting the crimes? To say to a survivor that they are “equal criminals” because they did not speak up during the phases of the crime is a “blame the victim” approach and like telling a rape survivor that they “enjoyed the rape”. NO ONE enjoys being raped. It’s a crime. It has taken decades if not centuries for women to get the strength and courage to speak up against the horrific crimes against them and for governments to pass laws and protect them. How long will it take for male survivors and their children to get laws and be protected? Step 1 is just allowed to be heard and perhaps in the next generation, we may have hope for laws.

I often hear statements like, “there is no respect for women”, or “there has to be gender equality”, or “equal pay for equal work”. I would like to add one more to this list, “there is NO respect for fertile partners and their children”. Splitting innocent children is a very unique way to show RESPECT.

Lying to a child is the “biggest child abuse” despite what the “experts” say. We should be listening to childhood trauma victims of lying like Ms. Carlina White and not “experts” and “system” who were ill-prepared to care for likes of Mr. Adam Lanza. The right answer is to have a “cross-functional” learning exercise with an open mind. And the point is “experts” are wrong and so is the system and pointing out facts should be taken as constructive criticism to build a better system. The system is NOT PERFECT, if it were there would be NO exonerations. To point this out is NOT disrespect but to show that a slice of the population is underserved and deserves equal rights and protection too. The important question is when a system has been manipulated, what message will the system send to not allow this to be repeated?

I have learnt that truth is maleable and it is not about the “best interest of the child”. If it were, the innocent IVF siblings would be united.

I have learnt that GIVING life is a crime. It’s not a message to raise children with but one should GIVE life with no fraud documents and without breaking laws and should ensure the rights of all lives are protected even if born illegally.

I have learnt that compassion is evil and innocent siblings should be punished for it but that’s not a message to raise children with. Compassion is right but takes time to come to fruition, what is wrong are the laws against IVF children and families and people who break laws for personal benefit.

I have learnt that helping a criminal even if forced under threats is also a crime. Then why are innocent IVF siblings being punished for crimes they did not commit?

If accepting lies and breaking laws for an intersex, immigrant, infertile under the name of “compassion” then where is the compassion for an abandoned IVF child and SPLIT innocent siblings and alienated child?

This story has been said before – government under the guise of “laws” taking away rights of people and unleashing indescribable injustice which would be considered anything but barbaric today. Slavery was legal but still wrong and barbaric, same for women suffrage rights, same for civil rights, same for apartheid, same for imperialism, colonization, same for gay rights, same for baby scoop era, same for transgender rights, and same for IVF rights.

I have no doubt when the facts of the case are evaluated with historical context, splitting innocent IVF siblings and punishing them for crimes they did not commit WILL NEVER be the right answer. Having laws so that their rights are protected ALSO will be the right answer.

Of course, if the siblings were UNITED, I may have held my silence for life like I was forced to during my ten years. It is one thing to take abuse as an individual but to have it extended to your children, any parent would speak up. And saying the truth is not breaking any laws at least not in a democracy we hope.