Tag Archives: IVF

Machiavellian Fertility Wars – What is the Best Interest of the Child?

Fertility Wars – Not too long ago, in a world very close, fertility wars had erupted because sometimes people want a child at any and all costs. But FertilityWarsthe force is Strong in the “little girl” Medhavi born via IVF/Surrogacy left stateless in “IVF prison” from the fertility wars is growing up happily. We are thankful and with help of the STATE, she is able to be united with her brother despite the First Order, after all there is love and compassion in our civilized world where truth has a chance. But not for long. As the Force awakens, time will tell if the innocence and love of a little sister will overcome the dark side of Machiavellian fertility wars? Will this #BrownGirl, “Princess Leia” be united with her brother “Luke Skywalker” split at birth? Stay tuned. It is inevitable the siblings will meet either now or as adults, why barricade them from building a bond and memories? Let us unite them expeditiously and “begin to make things right”. Taking the “high road” has turned disastrous for innocent children and that changes everything where truth is the only way out.

Basic Human Dignity And Respect of a Child

Nowadays they say a girl can be anything, can she be a “little sister” as intended? These are the questions coming out of the fertility wars and for a parent, a child is a child and for siblings, a sibling is sibling, regardless of how laws see them. Do children born via IVF/Surrogacy count equally? These are the real innocent victims of fertility wars and as a parent both are equal and perhaps someday the rest of the world will also see them at least as human beings if NOT equal. No one is spared in fertility wars, not even an innocent child. My lovely daughter was conceived after several failed IVF attempts. Then she was NOT declared as a “child” when divorce was filed in the US. Then the other consenting side NEVER came to India at her birth to fulfill the legal obligations to “legalize” the IVF/Surrogacy child rendering her stateless and “deleting her legal existence”. No phone call, no card, no baby clothes, no nothing, as if a little human being DOES NOT EXIST. Up until then, there were regular visits and inquiries for the same child, so why the sudden “disregard and disdain” for the same innocent child, was it pre-planned? First and foremost, they are a HUMAN BEING, then a child, then a daughter, then a little sister. Regardless of whatever the justifications that an individual or anyone supporting such justifications, as a loving parent, please do NOT tell me that a child DOES NOT COUNT. She counts and the UNHCR agrees as they have the “I, Belong” campaign to eradicate childhood statelessness regardless of how the child came about. The heinousness has to be stopped not just against a daughter but any child like her because its wrong. As an IVF/Surrogacy parent, we already have enough trauma dealing with infertility emotionally, financially, legally and to have a child be “unrecognized” and “dehumanized” when born after several failed IVF attempts puts into question what does our civilized world stand for? Time will tell if “savingagirlchild” was the right decision or should it cost me my other child and a sibling and cost us our hard-earned American DREAM lost in the fertility wars? I came to the US at 17 with $500 bucks and was forced to leave everything of over 21 years to save my immigrant IVF/Surrogacy born daughter in India for wanting to help infertility in the US. I have no regrets as my daughter is far more valuable and I would have done the same for my son. The question is have I lived with American values of family first, equality, respect for all even if laws fall short? I was 37, my most formidable years as an earning professional and achieve my American DREAM and implicitly my innocent child’s AMERICAN DREAM, our dreams lost due to the fertility wars. Where is the tolerance and respect for our diversity as IVF/Surrogacy family? I like to have fun as much as the next guy but do NOT question my love as a parent without understanding the facts because only thing more powerful than lies, demonization, vilification, fear-mongering, threats, intimidation, abuse is TRUTH. When I see the world from the perspective of my lovely daughter, an abandoned child and deliberately made stateless with no help from perpetrators despite multiple requests as if she does not exist, it is hard to understand what exactly do big words in our civilized world that empower us normally like “savegirlchild”, “joyofbirthofsibling”, “womanpower” mean? Instead I see a repeat of a failed strategy of “baby scoop era” being employed to justify taking away a child from a loving, biological family AND a brother from a sister and somehow everything is “fair” in fertility wars including an innocent child abandoned and made stateless. Other words like “childhood statelessness”, “lies”, “demonization”, “vilification”, “fear-mongering”, “separation” take over and do not allow hugs and kisses or build any memories between siblings and a loving family. Fighting for her rights has taught me a lot, especially the ugly underbelly of fertility wars where somehow its ok to rob from Peter to pay Paul and hurt innocent children. It’s not OK because she is first a human being and deserves human decency and respect.

Recently in India, Ms. Asha Devi spoke out about her innocent daughter who was raped ruthlessly in 2012 and announced her real name as Jyoti Singh declaring why should they be ashamed, it’s the perpetrators who carried out this heinous crime should be held accountable and responsible for their actions. She is absolutely right, why should my innocent daughter, Medhavi, deliberately made a refugee as a stateless child be silent as an abandoned child with no help from the US parent who put her in an “IVF prison” ruthlessly and heinously. In 1915, it may have been OK to silence a rape victim for “family honor” and worse plead with the rapist to marry the victim to both “shield family honor” and the notion how can a single woman who is a rape victim survive? In 2015, no one would dare suggest this but yet somehow its OK to suggest that a parent who abandoned an IVF/Surrogacy child, knowingly made them stateless and never provided any help despite repeated requests should be allowed to “connect” with the stateless child victim? It’s NOT OK. It would be revictimizing the victim for the same reasons a rapist does not “connect” with a rape victim. And the ignorance which existed in dealing with rape victims in 1915 is the same ignorance in dealing with international IVF/Surrogacy victims. There is a right way and a wrong way and abandoning an innocent child, making them stateless and extending no help is NOT the right way. In an increasingly globalized world, we are a better civilized world than that and a child is a child equally valuable to their loving parent regardless of their nationality and birth type. The only thing more traumatic than the dehumanization of an innocent child, separating from a child and the emotional, financial, legal torture and trauma is being re-traumatized and revictimized by the same perpetrators in the “name of law”.

Bullying one’s way to Parenthood

One cannot bully their way into parenthood and where was the “parent” when an innocent #BrownGirl needed their US parent to complete her legalization as an IVF/Surrogacy child born in India with consent from a US parent? After several failed IVF attempts, why would a “parent” leave a child and more importantly what are the rights of the child when this happens? Do they count as human at least? Much like the “same-sex” marriage debate, while “laws” defined “marriage” between two people based on “gender”, rest of humanity believed “marriage” is about “love” between two people. In the meantime, some same-sex partners had to lie about their love in fear of persecution and ridicule like some folks claiming to be able to medically “reverse” being gay. The same bigotry still exists in different ways where the “laws” and “societal stereotypes” today discriminate against love of a parent and child based on “gender”, “birth type”, “nationality” while rest of the humanity believes “parent-child” is about “love”. Meanwhile in 2015 for us loving parents, IVF/Surrogacy children are just children like any other child and perhaps someday the rest of the world will also see them at least as human beings if not equal. For rest of the world, Medhavi, may be a “stateless” and left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child and perhaps does not count despite the UN Refugee agency running a campaign to end childhood statelessness. She is my lovely daughter and I love her just as much as any other child. More than that, I like to talk about my daughter not out of arrogance but she is also my savior from a repeated cycle of secrecy, lies, abuse, torture, trauma, medical negligence, lack of laws from which I could NOT get out. She is what is “good” in this world like the love and compassion of donors and surrogates, family, friends and strangers who gather “like a village” to help raise a left-behind child, she is what happens when good people surround us with their humanity. She IS the future we hope to build.

Does Loving a Child based on gender, genetic link or just love?

Emotionally and legally there is a difference between adoption and IVF/Surrogacy. In adoption which is regulated, the genetic parent for whatever circumstances without passing judgment did give up the child. In IVF/Surrogacy which is unregulated, the fertile spouse shows compassion and wants to share a child with the infertile or dysfertile spouse AND very much WANTS the CHILD. It is one thing to have laws not caught up with technology like IVF/Surrogacy as cited in the US Department of State June 2011 report, it is completely another to use the gaps in the laws against an innocent child, they are still someone’s child just like the victims of Ariel Castro were also someone’s innocent children. This is against our American values and we do not approve this message. We must work together with the same compassion that the larger IVF/Surrogacy ecosystem including donors and surrogates represent in an ethical, moral and legal way which respects rights of ALL especially the innocent children. The gaps in the laws is setting up a dangerous and heinous situation of a medico-legal disability where innocent children are used against each other in the latest tools in fertility wars. The dark clouds of Machiavellian fertility politics take over sacrificing everything, not even sparing an innocent little sister, an equal human being in her own right. For those who doubt, walk a step in the shoes of an IVF/Surrogacy parent where the laws require ALL responsibilities of a “mother” from the genetic parent but NO rights that of a “mother”, traditionally the “primary care provider” which implicitly hurts innocent children with denial of rights. With changing times, if the intent is “best interest of the child”, the system needs to update itself when a divorce is filed to ask the question to both spouses, “Are you responsible for any child or any ongoing pregnancies?” instead of “Are you pregnant?” This is NOT to say the system is ignorant but rather to say that some malicious minded people are manipulating the system and in the process hurting innocent children and denying them rights. And regardless of nationality or birth type, ALL children are equal. It is one thing to discriminate against an IVF/Surrogacy parent due to their “genetic link” to the child OR their “citizenship status” or their “gender” but it also implicitly discriminates against an innocent child AND innocent siblings who are separated at birth.

Real World Vs. Bizarre World of Lies

My child is still a child and as a left-behind parent, the US government provides milk and diapers for the child and NOT the parent. I want the milk and diapers with interest for my left-behind American child. The point is to recognize her as a human being instead of dehumanizing her and children like her. In America, we respect our differently abled and provide ramps, where is the “ramp” for IVF/Surrogacy children like mine for their medico-legal disability and for building a family differently? Abu Ghraib was a terrible tragedy by a few bad apples and it does NOT reflect rest of Americans and our values but it still did occur and right answer is to acknowledge facts, hold the few bad apples responsible and accountable and move forward. The plight of stateless children born via international IVF/Surrogacy is real provided truth is allowed. In the real world, the Canadian couple did NOT abandon the IVF/Surrogacy child and did NOT split the siblings. The US-Israeli mother did NOT abandon the children and did NOT split the siblings. Instead in both cases they fought against the system for years to get a legal identity for their innocent IVF/Surrogacy children while keeping the siblings together. It is a real problem with real consequences because in the real world countries like Thailand, Nepal, India, Mexico have banned IVF/Surrogacy for foreigners due to few bad apples. The UN has launched a campaign to eradicate childhood statelessness. Others in the real world are confronting the issue and addressing the consequences in best interest of the child. But in the US, how come fling divorce in the US creates a stateless IVF/Surrogacy child in India? Do they have rights as a human? A person can lie, suppress facts and legally “delete” an innocent child from “legal existence” denying their rights and live freely in the US while the innocent child is stateless and stuck in “IVF prison” in India and separated from sibling, how is that fair to the child? If my child and others like her are “human”, the democratic governments need to prove it with action and not simply compassionate words OR they should live the life of a stateless child to understand the dehumanization they face so they can take action as responsible democratic governments that works for ALL equally. In democracy, “numbers matter” and for any parent, the child IS their world. Ask this of any billions of parents around the world. Whether its a poor mom, a single mom, a parent of a Down’s syndrome or Autism child, an IVF/Surrogacy parent of a stateless child – we all want the same thing – respect for our innocent child. But somehow respecting a child depends on who is asking and not based on the needs of the child.

Whose stateless child survivor would you rather be – ISIS or international IVF/Surrogacy? Or neither?

Many people, especially ignorant people want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apolgize for being correct or for being years ahead of your time. If you’re right and you know it, speak your mind. Speak you rmind even if you are a minority of one.  The truth is still the truth. ” – Mahatma Gandhi

On Gandhi Jayanti day, will anyone come to the rescue of stateless children and move forward with the truth?

For most people, it would be insane to compare ISIS Stateless Child and international IVF/Surrogacy Stateless Child but that’s because they have not been viewed from the perspective of a stateless child.STATELESS No loving parent will take the dehumanization of their innocent child lying down – whether done by a stranger OR a relative because it hurts innocent children. In a civilized world, we do NOT make children stateless deliberately and if they become stateless inadvertenty as in the case of IVF/Surrogacy, we resolve it fastest like Australia did in the case of baby Gammy. As a normal human being, we all have sympathy and compassion whenever we hear of an innocent child dying while trying to escape torture, but what does it mean to be stateless? As an educated, white collar professional, what does it mean to raise a stateless child? DEHUMANIZATION of the innocent child – that’s what statelessness is regardless how one got there – physical warfare or lies that break the laws. Who answers the questions of a stateless child?

When a child is stateless, well, they are stateless regardless of how they got there….war, refugee, slavery, international IVF/Surrogacy. As a loving parent, one has to move forward and deal with the practical implications OR abandon the innocent child and run away – sadly no one will care because they are stateless meaning NO RIGHTS. A stateless child means loss of freedom, no identity, loss of basic human dignity and respect, no chance of approaching a court for justice against the perpetrator. For example, a fleeing stateless child can make an arduous trip to Europe or America in trying to escape the persecution and if they die due to the hardships, they have no rights against the person who created this situation.

The Hole Pope said, “I Am Convinced That We Can Make A Difference“. Be it the Catholic church taking decades to recognize the sexual abuse against innocent children while protecting adults OR philanthropists like Rajat Gupta and Bernie Madoff frauding people, OR corporations like Volkswagen falsifying documents and tests, in the end truth prevails no matter how long it takes. We have no doubt the truth will prevail in this case also but will the innocent children be spared and be united and allowed to grow up together in truth and freedom?

Prime Minister Modi of India at his UN speech in 2015 PM Modi of India at UN 2015, “We must reform the United Nations including its Security Council so that it carries greater credibility and legitimacy”. The future is about truth and transparency like books about IVF/Surrogacy for children to help understand the facts and NOT about lies which hurts children and breaks laws like making children “STATELESS”.

And let’s hope the powers to be can address the needs of an abandoned IVF/Surrogacy child by an American who has been DENIED “truth”, “liberty”, and “justice”.  And how does this help a child? Even if inadvertently, are we dehumanizing the child? We just want the cruelty to stop against innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and families.

I don’t have a child who is blind, deaf, without a limb or leg, with Down’s syndrome, with Cystic Fibrosis, or any other commercial condition, I have a child who was used as a tool for blackmail and denied rights as a human being and is stateless. I have children who count and are stateless, is that enough to be treated as an equal?

 

Made Stateless by ISIS, Saddam, GaddafiMade Stateless by IVF/Surrogacy - baby GammyMade Stateless by IVF/Surrogacy - baby Modi
Loss of Freedom (Prison)YesYesYes
Loss of Fundamental RightsYesYesYes
Respect as a ChildNoYesNo
Dignity as a Human BeingNoYesNo
Refugee StatusYesYesNo
Justice and relief from perpetratorNoYesNo

IVF/Surrogacy 2026 and Beyond

The year is 2026. The IVF/Surrogacy children of 2000s and 2010s are grown up and individuals in their own rights. A lot of people in the mainstream including heterosexual, national-son-daughter-ivf-daysingles, LGBTI are having children via IVF/Surrogacy making it NOT a taboo subject. The society is ready to discuss the issues of IVF/Surrogacy from the innocent child’s perspective. How do we respond to the already grown up children who were denied these same rights and instead discriminated because their only fault was to be born via IVF/Surrogacy? How do we make it “right”? Because the failure was for the society (us and now the children too because they are part of the same society) lacking patience and lack of understanding of the issues – the facts about the lives of the innocent children never changed.

  • How do we reconcile statelessness of an innocent child and rendering them in “IVF Prison”?
  • How do we reconcile splitting siblings?
  • How do we reconcile the fact that a child is NOT a child and does not deserve the basic human dignity and respect?
  • How do we reconcile abandonment of a child with NO justice?
  • How do we reconcile surrogate not being paid for her services because a child she gave birth to was abandoned? Is that both a financial and emotional exploitation? Is this what we refer to as “baby making factory”? Regardless of what some people believe that having a child via commercial Surrogacy is giving flames to “baby making factory”, the reality is in 2026 this is mainstream. However, not paying a surrogate and abandoning a child is NOT mainstream and NEVER will be. Both deserve basic human dignity and respect.
  • How do we reconcile the LOVE of an IVF/Surrogacy parent for their IVF/Surrogacy child or is their love LESS? A loving parent does not see a child as “deaf” or “disability” or other monikers that people and the system (through its laws) define, a loving parent sees a child as just a child, isn’t that enough?
  • How do we reconcile that there are NO services and support for a left-behind parent of an IVF/Surrogacy child? Isn’t the diapers, milk, food for the child? Then why are the same basic supplies not made available to a left-behind parent of an IVF/Surrogacy child?
  • How do we reconcile that there is NO parental leave for parents of IVF/Surrogacy children? Is the implication that the innocent child be raised by thin air?
  • Why is it that IVF/Surrogacy parents have to ask for these basic rights and that too to care for a child? As a society haven’t we already given these rights to any parent or any child? Then why this discrimination against innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and families?

We are still in 2010. Still looking for justice. Social issues have always been on the slow burner. But perhaps in the “best interest of the child”, we are hoping that making a child stateless, abandoning a child and knowingly splitting siblings will NEVER be OK.

It is upto our society, including the innocent children who are part of the society, to allow transparency and truth to prevail. The beautiful thing about truth is that it can stand on its own and does not need anyone’s support. Ironically we as a people, attach and/or associate “truth” with the person delivering it when in fact truth can stand all on its own. Similarly, one should NOT attach a “person” delivering the message about a cause, if the cause is genuine then it can stand on its own.

And if equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children is not necessary, how can we reconcile the coming changes in the laws in the next few years/decades? This means something is broken and the laws were behind technology and that’s why it’s OK to make innocent children stateless and stealing their basic human dignity and respect?

Coming To America for Justice for IVF Children

Little over 25 years ago, like many immigrants at the time and millions more before us over the centuries came to America – the promised land of truth, liberty and justiceBornFreeJustice-IVF It was an exciting time, on the fun side, movies like “Coming to America” was released which captured the American spirit of hard work and respect for all. On a more serious note, in 2015, it is again a very exciting time to “Coming to America” as an international IVF/Surrogacy children and family to get justice we deserve. Freedom to roam free and opportunity to be united as intended as a family. It is important to go through the process of justice because only then it can be fully understood the torture, trauma, abuse, injustice, horror of what we went through and this should NEVER occur again. If there is a country, a system not afraid of the truth, then it is America who can give us the basic human dignity and respect as human beings. It is this faith and hope in America where everyone is equal is what gives us the strength and courage to say the truth.

In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. – “A threat to justice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” and “Justice delayed is justice denied“. Our prayers are to let truth prevail and do what’s in the best interest of the innocent children.

On the positive side, if anyone looks at our case honestly and hollistically, more has been done for human rights where laws and governments fall short. If an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent helps by respecting human rights of people where laws and government itself fall short, who protects their rights? Or is it a crime to show compassion? Why is it the burden of innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and parent to give rights to intersex, immigrant, infertile where laws itself fall short? Isn’t that what governments and laws do? We tried and ended up splitting our world apart, it is obvious it is NOT the job of individuals. Are innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and their parents human beings too equally deserving of basic human dignity and respect?

There is no doubt that intersex marriage, immigration, legal third gender, equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families will be legal someday (1,5,10,20,50 years?) which is what we have already been through in secrecy and lies but even then abandoning a child (natural born or IVF/Surrogacy born) will remain a crime. Because that’s the America I know and love. Once a child is born, regardless of their birth type, they are equal and should be deserving of justice. Ironically, good-minded people, government officials, system, etc. say things which are offensive and is a downright discrimination based on birth type but because of the “newness” don’t realize their inadvertent offensive words and/or actions. It simply shows there is a lot more work to do to educate and spread awareness and build tolerance for IVF/Surrogacy children and families. Is building families through IVF/Surrogacy a crime? Or is it so heinous that families should be forced to be split up? Or is that the laws have not caught up with technology?

America is a great land where once the social conscience is awakened, it takes action rather than persecuting the messenger. From slavery to women suffrage to civil rights to gay rights, we have great historical lessons of justice, is it time for equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families? We are coming to America for justice and freedom – something alienated and stolen from innocent IVF/Surrogacy siblings. This is a dream of an IVF parent to unite his innocent children but he is also an American and Americans don’t leave one of their own behind and nor do they ever stop fighting for truth and justice. Together we move ahead.

It’s a new dawn, 2015 is a new year. Is the world ready to embrace the ground realities and the lack of laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families? The only way forward is ahead and together. We need honesty and inclusiveness in solving complex international IVF/Surrogacy child rights and human rights issues; secrecy, lies, circumventing laws are not healthy nor are they in the best interest of the child.

International IVF/Surrogacy Freedom….Freedom….Freedom

Freedom….freedom….freedom (Sing it to the tune of Eddie James song, Freedom). Oh! how sweet is the feeling of freedom. Especially when you are fightingIVF-Freedom for someone else’s freedom. Especially when the freedom is of a child. Especially when the freedom is of an innocent. Especially when the freedom is of a girl. Especially when the freedom is of a sister. Especially when the freedom is of a daughter. Especially when the freedom is of an abandoned child. 1951 days, 20 hours, 42 seconds is apparently the wait time for IVF Freedom. This is a moment to enjoy the freedom and be grateful to everyone who has helped on this journey of freedom for innocent IVF/Surrogacy child.

Today is the beginning of a new era. It is an era of freedom and truth. It is an era of basic human dignity and respect even for the most innocent of lives. It is an era that the freed will define. It is an era where dreams will be made, dreams will be freely shared, dreams will be freely experienced, dreams will be freely lived. It is an era where every human life counts and is valued equally. It is an era where the voiceless have a voice. It is an era where the minority within minority is also respected and allowed to live freely.

It is a momentous week for international left-behind IVF/Surrogacy children. #babyGammy in Australia and @UniteMeduvada in India and US. We also respect IVF baby C of Canada whose parents stuck it out in India for 6 years before getting freedom. This is a club no one wishes on anyone to be a part of but everyone survived to make it through. Let us hope the democratically elected governments are listening to the real issues of real citizens who are building families in a different way through international IVF/Surrogacy and its consequences on innocent children. We can only move forward together while inadvertently not denying rights of the people we love most – innocent children. Wish everyone a hearty hug of freedom and a dollop of equality and may the fresh air of freedom make all your dreams come true. Let the child shine brighter than the sun.

Disarming a Threat – IVF, Immigration, Intersex Issues of 21st Century

Anytime someone threatens you, it needs to be addressed. Ignoring a threat will only lead to worsening circumstances. The response must be balanced, peaceful and Intersex-Genderbread-Person-IVFin our ever increasing litigious world, it must involve others whether authorities, agencies, credible individuals, etc. You need evidence of both the threat AND your response. The primary reason is to FIRST protect yourself. Just like in the instructions in a plane, if the oxygen masks were to be deployed, first place the mask on yourself and then help others including little children. Same principle applies when you face a threat.

We are NOT here to discuss intersex, IVF, infertility. We are here to discuss when there is lack of laws to deal with intersex, IVF, infertility, do these inequities affect both the intersex person and the spouse and innocent IVF children who have also inherited the inequities? And what is the right approach? Splitting innocent IVF siblings is not right in any book whether understood today or understood decades from now. The case is so far ahead that while most of the society doesn’t even recognize intersex but tries to hide, lie and be secretive (only causing more trauma and not leading to new laws).  Are threats the right way to approach the lack of laws situation or is it better to state the truth and ask for equal rights by peacefully petitioning the government? An equitable solution is needed while respecting all including innocent IVF children. Is a person who tries to help an intersex, infertile person also a victim of same lack of laws?

A threat can be someone pointing a gun or knife at you. The idea is to either disarm the gun or knife from them OR get away from the person. Then one has to make a report so that it does NOT occur again and appropriate steps are taken to address the issue.

If someone threatens you with words and verbiage. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken.

If someone threatens you with suicide. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken including medical help.

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. If a person is infertile and laws require a “genetic link” to bring a child born in India to the US, do not succumb to threats of suicide to help a person lie because it will only lead to disastrous consequences. You may also be held complicit to the lies and fraud for helping an infertile person to have a child where laws itself fall short. Is helping infertility (where laws fall short) the same or better or worse than abandoning a child? Lesson learnt is DO NOT help an infertile person to break laws. Shouldn’t the government instead be providing equal rights for infertile people so they don’t feel threatened and NOT to punish innocent victims like the spouse and children who are trying to help infertility? If a fertile person can SHARE a child with an infertile person, can an infertile person SHARE the same child with his siblings and family?

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. An intersex person is subjected to surgery which is now banned because it is so torturous. We are in agreement that the surgery should be banned, there is no proper medical evidence to force this surgery during a marriage under secrecy and lies. And if the “experts” feel they are right, then why did they have to lie on medical records, what are they trying to hide? If you are threatened to ALSO lie and live in secrecy, what are the effects on you? How do you go get professional help like psychological sessions if you are forced to lie to them? If the surgery is very traumatic for the patient, if the surgery is very traumatic for other family members like parents of the intersex child, what are the effects of the same surgery on a spouse and children when the surgery is performed during a marriage? But see you succumbed to the threats and therefore one can’t even get the help they need and neither can the innocent children.

It is a very SAD situation and something no parent wants to teach their children. A person who respects an intersex spouse where laws itself fall short, a person who SHARES a child with an infertile person where laws itself fall short, a person who wants to SAVE his innocent daughter from being abandoned is a compassionate person and respects diversity and thats what he would like to teach his children. Instead he has been taught that be SELFISH, LIE, FRAUD, CHEAT, BREAK LAWS because that’s the only way you get rewarded. Respecting diversity and respecting others is WRONG.

So as an intersex, immigrant, IVF father, who has managed to survive, the advise for children is to be SELFISH to survive in this world, sad but true. Let’s hope I am wrong because if I am right and had followed this advise, my innocent IVF children would not exist today including the compassion of the donors and surrogates.

While bringing a child into this world is a very emotional, bringing an international IVF/Surrogacy child into this world is full of land mines, lack of laws and only exasperated by the facts that in some cases, innocent IVF/Surrogacy children are left without justice. Making a mistake (lack of laws) is one thing but inaction is another and more importantly, denying rights to an innocent child makes things worse. Are abandoned IVF children humans too? And why is no action taken to protect and safeguard their rights?

The technology is new, the laws haven’t caught up with technology but is abandoning a child still a crime? If people resort to new and sophisticated ways of abandoning children, are the laws and authorities equipped to combat and protect the rights of the innocent children? Last I checked, child is still a child and deserves equal protection under the law. Making them into “casualties of the war on fertility” is not the answer. They are NOT the collateral damage, they are innocent and in any war, innocent children are always spared but perhaps the war on fertility is different? We need to have laws on both sides which are inclusive and give equal rights to both fertile and infertile people but innocent children should always come FIRST.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As the song goes, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”. Turns out “RESPECT” is a common theme for generations for fighting various social issues. Be it the slaves, Susan Anthony, Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa respect-in-ivfParks, Madiba, Dr. King, Edie Windsor, and so on. Gautam Buddha had said that desire is the cause of suffering. Is a child a need or a want (desire)? Is having a child a right or privilege? Can we RESPECT the rights of a child? Is IVF/Surrogacy to help only infertility/dysfertility of adults OR does the IVF/Surrogacy child have rights? Infertility is very traumatic, laws are lacking when it comes to helping people without a “genetic link” with a child, so the best way is to circumvent these laws and lie, cheat, fraud and SPLIT innocent, voiceless IVF/Surrogacy siblings? Their innocence should not be ignored, rather protected. Their voicelessness should not be a cause for denial of rights, rather ensure equal rights. We want RESPECT and EQUAL rights for innocent, international IVF/Surrogacy children. If a US Citizen father can be united with his son after years, why can’t another son be united with his father and siblings? Is lack of laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families a disability which deserves attention?

Where is the RESPECT?

  1. We gave more respect to an intersex person than what the laws give. We gave more respect to an intersex patient than what medical professionals give. We gave more respect to an intersex immigrant than what the laws give. We gave more respect to an infertile person than laws give. We gave more respect to an infertile, intersex, immigrant than what laws give and more than what their own family gave. Where is the respect for an IVF family including innocent children? Abandoning and splitting our innocent IVF siblings is the best answer?
  2. If infertility is a disease, can the cure be to split innocent IVF/Surrogacy siblings? Where is the respect for the rights of the children?
  3. Is IVF/Surrogacy a disability due to lack of laws and the wild west approach? We need a ramp in terms of laws and allow us basic human decency and respect. 
  4. When two children are born exactly the same way through international IVF/Surrogacy, one is lied about to circumvent the lack of laws while the same limitations in the laws are cleverly manipulated and used against the other IVF/Surrogacy sibling to abandon them while leaving them in legal limbo and thus splitting the innocent siblings. Where is the respect for children and their rights?
  5. While the one child who is lied about gets to the US circumventing the laws, the other is land-locked in India due to the same lack of laws. The laws need to be applied consistently, either allow both in the US or allow both in India and the result is the innocent, voiceless siblings are UNITED. The intent was to have children and raise them lovingly together, SPLITTING them was never a goal. Inconsistency in application of the laws is discrimination. Where is the respect?
  6. Is the message then that if an infertile person lies, cheats, breaks laws, they deserve compassion and crimes will be overlooked? Where is the compassion for an innocent, voiceless IVF/Surrogacy child who is abandoned and SPLIT from their sibling? We must respect women, can we start with respecting the rights of an innocent, abandoned IVF/surrogacy girl child?
  7. If a non-genetic person gets custody of an IVF/Surrogacy child they should also be held equally responsible and accountable for an IVF/Surrogacy child they consented to in the best interest of the child, surrogate and the left-behind parent. Having a “check and balance” system both provides justice to innocent and serves as a deterrent to prevent crime in the first place.
  8. When an IVF/Surrogacy child is abandoned, one ALSO abandons the compassionate egg donor and surrogate. Would they have agreed to help if they were told the resulting child would be abandoned? Who protects their rights and respect them?
  9. When an infertile person pretends to have given birth to a child which biologically they cannot, are they disrespecting the truth and the compassionate contributions of the donor and surrogate AND are they disrespecting other IVF parents who have to suffer due to lack of laws and for being truthful (like waiting years to get their IVF/Surrogacy child a legal identity)? Is this the kind of respect to teach the IVF/Surrogacy child? And how do these lies help change the laws so that others don’t have to lie and split siblings in order to have a child at any and all costs?
  10. When an intersex person pretends to have given birth to a child which biologically they cannot, are they disrespecting the trauma and abuse of the spouse AND other intersex people who continue to suffer due to lack of laws and them wanting to live truthfully? While all may not understand this, but an intersex person understands that lies are the worst culprits as they have been subjected to it for decades. Why continue a “different” set of lies onto innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and expect different results? And how do these lies help change the laws so that other intersex people don’t have to lie to have children by splitting them?
  11. One can understand the desire to have a child at any and all costs but should it be a trade of “child for a child” and splitting innocent siblings? Where is the respect in that?
  12. An intersex, immigrant, IVF parent survived despite the extreme trauma, where is the respect in his contributions and those that of his family specifically in raising the IVF/Surrogacy infants under extreme trauma and stress?
  13. While people and LAWS are still debating on “equal rights” for intersex, IVF/Surrogacy children and families, we have already been there and done that, now what about rights of our innocent IVF/Surrogacy children who are deliberately SPLIT? Where is their RESPECT?
  14. Right answer will never be splitting siblings or breaking laws, right answer is petitioning for updation in laws for intersex, IVF, immigrant children and families so that people don’t feel threatened by laws to actually conspire to willfully abandon and split IVF siblings.
  15. Children have rights too, yeah? Even if they are voiceless, yeah? By stating facts, we are stopping the lies and abuse while also respecting the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings for who they are. RESPECT, give some, get some.

No one is claiming intersex or infertile or IVF/Surrogacy parents or children are wrong despite what the laws claim. It is the LIES which are wrong. Especially lies which circumvents laws and risks innocent lives of others. Like everything else, there are always a few bad apples and a few bad apples should NOT ruin it for others. However, we need to build a system of checks and balance so that the innocent are protected and victims rights are ensured from the few bad apples. Criminals lie to hide facts. How do we deal with criminals and the lies? Reward or punishment? Innocent children are neither criminals nor did they lie. How do we deal with them? SPLIT them or UNITE them? R-E-S-P-E-C-T in 2015?

Third Party Reproduction and Its Effects

Third party reproduction is when someone (married, single, straight, gay lesbian, intersex) has a “gestational carrier” (legal term) as a “third party”carrier to deliver a third-party-reproduction-surrogacylovely baby. Commonly this is referred to as surrogacy. What are the effects of using third party reproduction and when sometimes laws fall short? What is the impact on the innocent child? Also, one has to differentiate between “intent” Vs. “state of laws and its effects”. The scenarios below can be any fertile person who wants to help an infertile person, this could have been you. That doesn’t mean infertile people are bad OR infertility is wrong, it just means just like everything else in life, there are a few bad apples and we need laws to both protect and ensure rights of innocent and provide a “check and balance” system so it can serve as a deterrent for a few bad apples to even contemplate something so heinous. How much enough is enough? Rosa Parks stood up against prevailing laws because it was enough. Seeing our innocent children get punished and hurt is enough for an intersex, immigrant, IVF family to speak up.

Legally,  IVF children born through donor and surrogate who are not your spouse are deemed as children “born out of wedlock”. As offensive as it is (insenuates affairs, infidelity, etc) and deserves its own separate discussion, then how does an infertile couple have a child “born in marriage” legally? What are the legal implications on innocent children born this way? What rights do children have when born during a divorce? Are they legally non-existent and invisible? Why double standards in dealing with two IVF/Surrogacy children who are born exactly the same way? One was lied about while other was being truthful. Is the message that lies which happens to break laws should be rewarded? And how does this status quo help change unequal laws? The real threat is the unequal laws and so more unsuspecting, innocent fertile people (men or women) will be targeted and so will their IVF children “born out of wedlock”. Sadly our lives are ruled by laws (equal or unequal) and not ruled by compassion. Its ironic that compassion is lost in some cases because at the very core of surrogacy, its the compassion to help a fellow human being.

1) First, “surrogacy” or “third party reproduction” itself is controversial. You may find people who are strictly opposed to it Vs. those who find it necessary to have a child. Neither came to this decision overnight. What is right or wrong, who is to decide? What is unacceptable today may be acceptable 10-20-30-40 years from now. Regardless of which side of the discussion one finds themselves, rights of all involved including the child and surrogate should be respected and protected by laws. Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to the innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

2) If a woman uses donor egg and donor sperm and using IVF gets pregnant and carries the children to term and gives birth, is she a “surrogate” or a “gestational carrier” or a “mother”? Her every intent was to have children and raise them lovingly. Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

3) If a woman uses donor sperm and surrogate and using her own egg has IVF/Surrogacy children, are the children “siblings” as intended and is she the “primary care provider” by actions and is she the “mother”? Her every intent was to have children and raise them lovingly together. Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

4) If a man uses donor egg and surrogate and using his own sperm has IVF/Surrogacy children, are the children “siblings” as intended and is he the “primary care provider” by actions and is he the “father”? His every intent was to have children and raise them lovingly together.  Lack of laws leads to denial of rights and denial of justice to innocent like the IVF/Surrogacy child.

Rarely are siblings split. Even rarely, IVF siblings are split up. In fact, loving IVF parents go through great lengths to keep IVF siblings united despite the archaic laws. Then why are IVF children of an IVF father being split? Can we spare the innocent children?

Like any other technology, it can be used for good or bad. While a few bad apples may ruin it for all, it is the responsibility of government to provide laws which ensure and protect the rights of all and provide appropriate checks and balance in the system. If Commercial Surrogacy is banned within countries like US (some states), UK, Australia (some states), Canada, France, Germany, etc., one can imagine what havoc it can create when surrogacy is involved internationally especially with some areas operating  either with no laws or laws are being broken, how does one get justice? It is a fact there are NO international laws for IVF/Surrogacy while we do have international laws for child abduction and child adoption in the best interest of the child. So who PROTECTS and ENSURES the rights of an international IVF/Surrogacy child? Or should people who manipulate the inconsistencies at the cost of innocent children denying their rights and surrogates be let off?

Corollaries 

1) While rare, it may occur that a woman is raped and gets pregnant. Instead of making sense of the trauma of being raped, its a very sensitive time for her as she decides what to do with the child? Worse, she may be subjected to “blame the victim” approach during this horrendous time including name calling, false allegations, defamation, etc.

2) Sometimes a woman may have got pregnant with deceit where a male partner promises support for the child to be but only to abandon the child when born and the left-behind parent is left to pick up the pieces. If there was NO consent, there would be NO child.

In both these cases, there are laws to protect the victims and especially the innocent child. Is the same true for innocent children born through international IVF/surrogacy? Child is a child, right?

3) Sometimes, what if a male who is part of an infertile marriage and in order to help infertility, jointly with the infertile spouse consents to have an IVF/Surrogacy child. Using his own sperm and with help of compassionate egg donor and surrogate decides to have a child with joint consent alongwith the infertile spouse. Later, the infertile spouse decides to not take custody of the child and abandons them. Its rare for a male to be deceited in pregnancy, but that’s what new technology like IVF/Surrogacy presents in some cases. What are the protections and forms of relief that laws provide? If there was NO consent, there would be NO child.

4) What if both intended parents abandon the child, is the surrogate left in a very sensitive situation as she decides what to do for the child she wasn’t planning to raise? What are the rights of an abandoned surrogate? Who pays her? Who raises the child?

Its rare to get pregnant when raped, its rare to have an abandoned IVF child as a surrogate, question is what do you do when it happens? What are the protections and forms of relief through justice that laws provide?

What if a male partner who used his sperm and had a child with compassion of egg donor and surrogate but did NOT abandon the child, should he (rather his innocent child) be getting help from the laws or should there be a “blame the victim” approach against the left-behind IVF parent during this horrendous time including name calling, false allegations, defamation, etc. Is his fault NOT wanting to abandon the child or is his fault for daring to state the truth and for seeking justice for his innocent children? In the bigger sense, he helped infertility where laws itself fall short, what have others and the laws done to help infertility? It is one thing to want to solve world hunger and another to actually take specific actions to ensure no one sleeps hungry.

For any person, discrimination is hard to digest. We all would like to live in a discrimination-free world but reality is different. For a parent, as an adult, they learn to accept facts on discrimination of various kinds but to have their children be discriminated, its the straw that breaks the camel’s back and one has to speak up. Life is unfair, life is unequal but why should innocent children have to be the ones to learn it, shouldn’t it be something an infertile adult understands meaning shouldn’t they be petitioning for equal fertility rights rather than splitting innocent siblings?

Past, Present, Future for Intersex, Immigrant, IVF Families

Living in the past is unhelpful but we all are a sum aggregate of our experiences which is including the past. Living for today is one thing we can be certain of and gandhi-father day-truthallows us an opportunity to make a difference. Living for tomorrow is helpful to set goals and is needed as we think about future generations, especially our children and grandchildren. Feeling threatened by laws (or lack thereof) is one thing but to take it out on innocent children is another. Respect all including innocent, voiceless children is the right way forward just like respecting innocent intersex children or innocent IVF children “born out of wedlock”. Let us not create a whole new generation of children under secrecy and lies because we have seen the effects of it as evidenced by SPLIT innocent IVF siblings. Lies and secrecy helps no one, perhaps honesty and compassion has a shot? We have a choice – to be in the PAST (continue to live in silence while creating more victims) or live for the FUTURE (to UNITE and petition the respective authorities for change and updation of laws). The choice we make TODAY is our PRESENT– depending on what action we take. We support efforts to help infertility but do they have to come at the cost of rights of others including innocent IVF siblings, can’t we find better ways?

This is the approach taken when dealing with intersex rights and IVF rights. Neither the past nor the present offer equal rights for intersex or IVF families. Maybe the future will? Will it happen automatically or will people have to speak up? If equal rights existed for intersex or IVF families, perhaps innocent children “born out of wedlock” of an intersex, immigrant, IVF family would not be split up as no one would feel threatened by the anti-intersex and anti-IVF laws.

It is one thing to say to a intersex, immigrant, IVF survivor to stop living in the past without taking the time to understand the crux of the issues which is lack of equal rights. And silence the survivor will not achieve goals; petitioning, education, awareness will. We tried the silence and compassion approach and has helped no one – especially the innocent siblings who have been willfully split up.

Am pretty sure even the intersex, immigrant, infertile person who masterminded this situation doesn’t feel comfortable knowing that others like them who are intersexed, immigrant, infertile legally still cannot achieve what they have. And we hope that everyone joins us in the fight to get equal rights for intersex and IVF rights. That is the right answer. Living in silence or under threats is certainly not the right answer as is evidenced by the split innocent siblings being punished for crimes they did not commit. The past, present, and future is how do we reconcile the situation for innocent children? And if we are unable to, what answers do we provide them? That breaking laws is right to get what you want and showing compassion where laws itself fall short is evil?

Protecting women from getting raped is about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility. Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach, the question to ask is what can each one of us do to stop this ghastly crime from occurring in the first place? Protecting against racism is also about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility as evidenced by recent protests across US. Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach, the question to ask is what have you done to stand up against racism? Protecting IVF child from an IVFphile is about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility. IVF exists to help infertility but do innocent, voiceless children deserve rights too? Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach against the IVF parent and his IVF children “born out of wedlock”, the question to ask is what have you done to help infertility?

Heard a story about how one woman was being given the cat calls, harassed, eave teasing and so on. It had happened several times before. But that day, she decided to take action and enough is enough, she turned around and slapped the man.

Should she have done this the first time it happened to her? Did the same man also harass her previously or was it the first time by this specific person but she had been a victim of lewd approaches several times before by others? Now that she has slapped him, will this treacherous activity stop for the lady meaning will she not get teased, not get those looks? Sadly, no. She feels confident as a person to speak up, take a stand, and if no one else will, she did something rather than continuing to suffer in silence. Why did she decide to speak up now? Because enough is enough.

When an immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children “born out of wedlock” are split after years of silent suffering and abuse, its the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Is it the first time an IVF family has been discriminated? Now that an IVF parent has decided to speak up, does it mean equal IVF rights for both fertile and infertile people will become a reality? Does it mean the innocent, voiceless siblings will be UNITED? When is/How much “enough” is enough?

Why We Need IVF Crisis Centers and What Is Their Impact?

IVF-Crisis-CenterWould the same children have got justice if a husband had abandoned them? Would the cry of a helpless intersex, immigrant, IVF father for his children be heard if crisis centers existed?  There is nothing stereotypical about an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent. What is worse is their children cannot get justice? Is that right? If there are rape crisis centers, why are there no IVF crisis centers? Rape is a terrible crime and for decades if not centuries has been either shoved under the carpet and worse no justice for the survivors who instead are re-victimized using a “blame the victim” approach. We can take some learning lessons on how we have dealt with this? Rape can also include sexual, emotional, financial and social rape. If IVF crisis centers existed, would innocent IVF children  and families get justice they deserve? What is the impact of crisis centers?

  1. Legally, an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent cannot exist without violating some laws. This means when you approach a court for relief, you will first be intimidated, threatened with dire consequences because laws have been violated and are complicit to the crimes, the result is the parent is denied justice and implicitly are the innocent children. Slavery was legal but still wrong, “Jim Crow” laws were legal but Rosa Parks was right for taking a stand against the prevailing laws. What should an intersex, immigrant, IVF father do because cheating, lying, abuse, abandoning an innocent child will always remain a crime regardless of decade or century.
  2. In any war, the innocent and children are spared. Then why aren’t innocent children spared in the war on fertility? With complex international case of IVF severely lacking laws, what if someone with full knowledge of laws (or lack thereof) misuses them for personal benefit while denying rights to innocent children. Who protects them? A crisis center can help separate facts from fiction and help innocent.
  3. If a person is raped, a heinous act, they cannot change that but crisis centers can provide moral, emotional, legal, financial support. They get to meet other survivors of rape. They also get an opportunity to seek justice through proper channels with access to proper tools. Courts, police, evidence, justice system, etc. They also have a support group including medical professionals, lawyers, police, other survivors who encourage them to share the truth and not doubt OR ask them to be hushed and forget the heinous crime ( as was 100 years ago).
  4. Now imagine a repeat of this for an IVF parent. Worse, imagine not getting justice for innocent IVF children? Without a crisis center, all the tools are absent and inaccessible and justice is denied and a survivor is victimized again using a “blame the victim” approach. Is helping an infertile person a crime and will it be so forever?
  5. If a rape survivor is not given proper support, that does not mean the rape did not occur and they still want justice. Without proper tools, they will try to collect evidence, testimony, etc on their own just so that they can file a legal case. A rapist is neither a good person nor void of other crimes meaning when a rape survivor tries to collect evidence on their own, they may be exposed to other bad elements of society including more crimes and possibly risking their life and worse exposing them to be raped again. But the thirst for justice is so high that these risks seem miniscule.
  6. Now imagine an IVF parent trying to seek justice for his IVF children. They are also exposed to criminals who are white collar criminals and more dangerous because they use education as the weapon of choice to lie. How is that justice for abandoned IVF child and an alienated IVF child?
  7. People want to believe we live in an “equal” world. The reality is we would like to live in an “equal” world but are working towards it. This is a fact and acceptance of the problem is the first step towards a solution. If world was equal, intersex marriages would be legal. If world was equal, parents could immigrate with children without a genetic link (highly relevant legal criteria in international IVF). If world was equal, breastfeeding an infant would require one to have milk and not whether you are male or female, mother or father. In IVF or adoption cases, it is not uncommon for the intended parent to breastfeed even though the birth mother is a different individual.
  8. The idea is simple – truth can only help, denying it can only create more victims. And justice often is synchronous with truth as it seeks facts. When truth is denied, justice is denied and the future is not helped because no change occurs as we are still in denial.
  9. As the recent medical report about Adam Lanza revealed that it was the “appeasement approach” including the mother and the so called “experts” which led to his demise and other innocent. The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun“, it can also be false records with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims. When the “experts”/ “system” teaches a person to lie whether through appeasement or directly, it can have disastrous consequences creating innocent victims including children just like for intersex, immigrant, IVF families.
  10. Change is constant and its often encountered with opposition at first leading to secrecy, lies, false allegations, persecution, etc. As it stands today, an intersex, immigrant, IVF person cannot take an IVF child born in India to the US if all laws are followed, does that mean one should lie, cheat, fraud and deny rights of others including innocent children? The right answer is accepting facts, changing laws and moving forward. Denial is not a solution.