Tag Archives: IVF parent

The Father’s Day I Was Forced to Miss

Every IVF journey is unique in its own way. Regardless of the fertility issues, the wanting to have a child is common to being a human not whether youfathers-day-ivf are fertile or infertile or married or unmarried or male or female. That’s why our society allows heterosexuals, singles, married, gays, lesbians and whatever other segmentation to be loving parents. Good parenting is based on being a good human being and not your gender or your sexual orientation or you immigration status. For any IVF parent – whether they are successful or not with an IVF child, wanting to have a child is innate and tugs at every emotion that a human is known to have. Then why can’t an IVF father celebrate Father’s Day on becoming a happy father? The Father’s Day I NEVER had.

It was ten years ago, my first child was born through IVF, a lovely son. He was born a few days ahead of Father’s day that year BUT I could not celebrate and jump with joy for my child because the SECRET might be out that my spouse is infertile. I was forced to miss my First Father’s Day. Today, the lies have caught up because my innocent IVF children are paying the price for it and it is time to speak up for their sake. Due to my spouse’s infertility and respecting that, I am the biological father and with help of compassionate egg donor and surrogate, we were blessed with a lovely IVF son. But the IVF was a secret and we could not tell anyone because the infertile spouse did not want to reveal to anyone about the infertility. To the select few, we could talk about surrogacy but under NO circumstances we could reveal that there was NO BIOLOGICAL LINK between the infertile spouse and the IVF child because god forbid, what if people find out the truth? Of course, due to the LIES, not only the innocent child got placed in LEGAL LIMBO but ended up disrespecting the compassion of the egg donor and surrogate for not giving them due credit. As the saying goes, when you live with a criminal who breaks laws, you pick up bad habits. Having a child through IVF is not a bad habit, LYING and continuing to LIE is the bad habit. Infertility is NOT bad, it is natural. How one deals with infertility is what is bad like secrecy and lies for personal advantage.

  • Can an IVF father be allowed to celebrate his child’s birth?
  • Can an IVF father be allowed to share his emotions from a traumatic IVF journey?
  • Can an IVF father be allowed to enjoy the company of all his IVF children as he wanted?
  • Should the innocent children of an IVF father be discriminated because of the gender of their father?
  • Is infertility so traumatic that the ONLY way to solve it is by SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings?
  • Is infertility so traumatic that the ONLY way to solve it is by alienating an IVF father from his lovely son and vice versa?
  • As a fertile IVF father, I have STARED infertility in its face. I know infertility. I have tried to defeat infertility. I know the trauma. I know the emotions. I know the lack of laws. I know that it is the LOVE and CHARACTER of a parent that counts and NOT the gender or genetic link of a parent with a child like the laws demand.
  • IVF is meant to help with infertility. Regardless of the trauma of infertility, what is happening to innocent IVF children who are siblings is far MORE traumatic. I am their IVF father and I intend to protect my IVF children and get them their rights. This fight is NO different than slavery, women suffrage, Brown Vs. Board of education, civil rights, gay rights, transgender rights, and now IVF rights. Personally I believe that over the history, every social struggle has needed a catalyst like Rosa Parks. Who is the Rosa Parks for IVF? Who is the Harvey Milk for IVF? Who is the Laverne Cox for IVF?

A shout out to all fathers – IVF, white, black, brown, blue, maroon, single, married, divorced, straight, gay, intersex, otherwise – Have a Happy Father’s Day and may you NEVER be forced to MISS a father’s day.

As another year goes by and with tears in my eyes as I get cake and card for my alienated son on father’s day and his birthday (they happen to be very close, if you recall), I wonder why should a brother be SPLIT from his sister, why should a son be separated from his IVF parent and what did all the lies achieve? Divorces are not new, they happen. But should the “best interest of the child” be maintained in any divorce? Should innocent IVF children be placed in legal limbo due to divorce? Should innocent IVF siblings be SPLIT? Should innocent IVF children be abandoned with no recourse for justice? If you consent to IVF, you are responsible for welfare of the IVF child – simple. Not the donor, not the surrogate, not the IVF clinic, not the orphanage where the innocent IVF child may end up, but the consenting IVF parent has to be held accountable and responsible. Its a new century and the crimes are new, have the laws caught up yet for IVF children and families?

 

Need To Separate Fact from Fiction, Need to Separate Wishful Thinking from Facts

  • A 1 year, 364 days old infant does not need a ticket on the plane but a 2 year old does. It’s the law.
  • truth-shakeThe minimum age is 7 days old for any infant to travel on a plane, an important criterion for an IVF child born to international parents wanting to go back home. Emotions don’t count but laws do.
  • Any infant under 6 months travelling on a plane needs 1 adult with them – particularly important if twins are born to a parent who is travelling alone. More relevant for an international IVF parent who is trying to go home with IVF twins or triplets – higher frequency than natural births. Emotions don’t count, it’s the law.
  • Immigration law requires a biological link between parent and child – emotions don’t count, it’s the law.
  • Immigrant fathers cannot bring their IVF child to US-  emotions don’t count, it’s the law.
  • Alienated parents love their child equally, more importantly, the child loves the parent equally but the best interest of the child does not count.
  • Baby scoop era was detrimental and served no real purpose, existence of single mothers and truth and reconciliation commissions have proved it.
  • The plight of Scottsboro boys is wrong, their pardons prove it. The case spawned new laws for due process and inclusion of African Americans on jury prove their innocence. When will due process and immigrant, IVF jury be allowed for immigrant IVF parents?
  • When I see an abandoned IVF daughter, I see the criminal who did this.
  • When I see an abandoned IVF daughter in legal limbo, I see the criminal who did this.
  • When I see an IVF daughter try to move forward in life but has no legal identity, I see the criminal who did this.
  • When I see an IVF child in legal limbo, I see the criminal who abused before.
  • When I see an IVF infant being starved for food, I see the criminal lying and abusing the child.
  • If breastfeeding by males is so common, why don’t mothers ask the fathers of their newborns to breastfeed?
  • Regardless whether it’s a male or female trying to breastfeed an infant, when there is no milk, is it abuse if you make the infant cry endlessly out of hunger? What else is food for an infant other than milk?
  • Having been diagnosed with interex/DSD condition is very traumatic, being forced to live a life of secrecy and lies, breaking laws, why repeat that on innocent IVF children who are no less dealt with their own secrecy, stigma, lies, breaking laws to deal with?
  • While every human deserves a child, while every parent wishes to breastfeed their child, we still have to deal with science.

There is truth in acceptance and abuse in lies on oneself and others whom you claim to love the most.

I Am ____

I am Scottsboro boysI am

I am Baby Scoop Era

I am IVF

I am immigrant

I am DSD family

I am LGBTI family

I am invisible

I am Rosa Parks

I am Susan B Anthony

I am Erin Brockovich

I am Edie Windsor

I am Tony Briffa

I am civil rights

I am reproductive rights

I am immigrant rights

I am family rights

I am IVF child

I am thankful for the compassionate donors and surrogates without whom could not have had lovely IVF children

I am caregiver

I am brother

I am sister

I am child

I am father

I am mother

I am primary care provider

I am infertile or dysfertile

I am human

I am no more lying

I am truth

This case is about all these people and only truth can get us a solution. Secrecy and lies punishes innocents and continued lies and secrecy to hid one lie further aggravates the situation failing to provide a solution. There are others who matter and who are human beings too. I am one of them to confront truth before its too late and not someone who is DSD, immigrant, infertile and enjoys an IVF child while claiming the child is natural born.

Relentless secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, crimes, breaking the laws can help one achieve access to an immigrant, non-biological child but what is the greater good? Can it change facts?

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court.

  1. While they can enjoy the IVF child, what does the IVF child want and need? If there is compassion for DSD, should there also be compassion for IVF child?
  2. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that their actions are directly responsible for placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo and splitting the IVF siblings and two innocent childhoods have been robbed.
  3. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that several DSD people cannot immigrate based on marriage because they dont have marriage rights and consequently no DSD family rights.
  4. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that several infertile people cannot bring their non-biological IVF child to the US because of lack of immigration laws.
  5. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that it is their lies and secrecy which has caused the innocent IVF children to be placed in legal limbo.
  6. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that thousands of DSD people are born every year with the same natural condition and living without equal rights. Secrecy and lies will not help them achieve equal rights, truth, education, and awareness will.
  7. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that the IVF child has a very loving parent, siblings, grandparents, and others who love him dearly but are denied his rights and their rights.
  8. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact about the compassion of egg donor and surrogate women and instead of celebrating their contribution, why lie to pass of the IVF child as a natural born child. Will the love for the child become any less by saying the truth? Why forbid others to say the truth?
  9. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that there is a lack of laws for IVF children and families. The lack of laws is like placing a “staircase” in front of a wheelchair bound person. Would they have any experience about lack of “rights” as a DSD, immigrant, infertile person? And secrecy and lies is the right solution?
  10. While they can continue to lie, defame, violate human beings, they still cannot change the fact that this is about a DSD family, IVF parent, binational immigrant filled with noble intentions, love and compassion. Have they tried that lately –  Compassion and Truth? Despite the denial of DSD, infertility, we will always be canaries in the coal mine. Despite the secrecy and lies, we have been to DSD, IVF, Immigration and Beyond in 2000s.

This is about someone who is a relentless criminal and will abuse, violate, lie, fraud anyone including innocent children. Do the children have rights? Do other DSD people have rights? Do IVF parents have rights? Do caregiver have rights? Do immigrants have rights?

Why IVF Children Need Rights as Individuals?

National Coming Out Day is October 11. I am an IVF father and I am a proud IVF father of my IVF children and I am coming out. Nazi Intersex IVF HistoryIf a gay father can tell his child the truth, why can’t an IVF father tell the truth to his IVF child? United Nation (UN) declared October 11 is International Girl Child Day. Is IVF girl child an equal? Is it offensive to withhold the truth from innocent IVF children and deny them their rights? Is this “freedom”? The lack of laws for IVF children is why as an IVF parent I am coming out in support of “rights of IVF chidlren”. Before we discuss the rights of an IVF father, it is important to understand the current legal landscape for IVF children based on gender and biology of parent. Like with any parent-child relationship, there is an emotional component and a legal component. The emotional component is the same in an IVF parent-child relationship, however the legal component is widely different and is based on gender and biology with the parent. The lack of laws for IVF children and families is why we need to discuss the “rights of an IVF father”. More importantly, the IVF children of an IVF father are discriminated against and are the ones being punished for crimes they did not commit. The intent is clearly to protect the best interest of the IVF child and some very sensitive topics may be discussed which are true and factual in the spirit of getting equal rights for IVF children and families. Let’s get on the right side of history. If we can show compassion to an intersex adult despite breaking multiple laws, why can’t we show compassion to innocent IVF children? We are looking for a way out for victims, not a hand out to this 21st century issue.

Who is an IVF father?

An IVF father is a parent who loves his children and children who love their father. As per US Government’s own research, it shows the positive influence and aspects in children with a father. For the purposes of this discussion, the analogous of an IVF father is an IVF mother who used her egg but used a surrogate to have a child. Women who are undergoing fertility treatments to birth their own child are not part of this discussion. The focus of this discussion is strictly from a legal perspective and the lack of laws which is hurting the IVF children more than the parents. An IVF father can be someone who is a gay father or a single father or if you are an intersex spouse. Should IVF fathers in a heterosexual relationship be considered? Do IVF fathers love their IVF children any less? Does infertility affect men any differently especially some IVF fathers who have been through the same roller coaster ride of IVF emotionally, financially, socially, spiritually, and so on?  And when the IVF child is born and the IVF parent finds out that his IVF child is discriminated against because of his gender, how is that supposed to make a parent feel? After the years of anxiety, lost careers, sleepless nights, trauma, other losses, how is an IVF parent supposed to “equate” to his IVF children that they are somehow less because of his gender?  Currently the IVF laws are based on biology and gender. Why not have IVF laws in the  best interest of the IVF children?  What is so wrong about that? or should we rob from a child like taking icecream from a little child?  If an IVF father uses a compassionate surrogate to have a child (and a compassionate egg donor) Vs an IVF mother uses a compassionate surrogate to have a child (and a compassionate sperm donor) Vs an IVF mother uses both a compassionate egg donor and sperm donor and uses her own womb, why are the laws different for the same IVF child? What crime has the child committed to be treated differently based on a parent’s gender and biology? Because infertility and IVF are dealt with secrecy, stigma and lies there is not open discussion and stifles information sharing and only now scientific studies are emerging based on facts. A recent study claims that because the way the IVF children are born with the fertility treatments, hormones, and other things, IVF children are a third more likely to develop cancer or are at 90% risk of brain cancer and 65% risk of leukemia. God forbid but if an IVF child who has been taken away from his biological family needs a bone marrow transplant tomorrow, will the “fraud birth documents” help save is life or w will truth save his life? The biological parent is more than happy to give an organ if it saves his IVF son’s life but first the truth has to be accepted. The reality is IVF children have certain unique needs because of the nature of their birth as opposed to natural born children including adopted children. What are the rights of the IVF child?

Stateless IVF Children

What if the samples are accidentally swapped in the IVF clinic and there is a DNA mismatch. Is the love for the IVF child any less from the commissioning parent? More importantly, what are the rights of the IVF child? What if the “paying adults” (commissioning parents) decide to divorce during an IVF pregnancy, what are the rights of the IVF child? As gender roles are changing, as society is becoming more accepting of gay fathers, single fathers, or fathers who are primary care providers in a traditional marriage, have the laws caught up? More importantly, have the IVF laws and immigration laws caught up with the technology in the best interest of the IVF children? Not to long ago during the baby scoop era, children were forcibly given up for adoption to well-meaning parents and taken away from their biological mothers because their only fault was to be born to “single mothers” who were not “socially acceptable” at the time. Again the innocent children were discriminated due to the circumstances of the parent. A lot of the adoptive parents may be unknowing of the facts and may have raised the child lovingly, but what is right for the child? Why are adopted children looking for their birth parents now? Today it would be unthinkable to take a child away from a biological mother only based on the fact that she is “single”. Is history repeating itself? Truth is the only salvation and children are very smart and figure it out. Especially IVF children because they have a weird sixth sense about things. The hope is that by the time these stateless IVF children grow up into adults, we will have made a dent in bringing equal rights for IVF children and families, it is something very much they can appreciate unless they have been lied to about their IVF birth. Ironically by lying to IVF children, instead of using an opportunity for learning, we are teaching them the worst of humanity which is lying, crimes and abuse in silence. The humanity is that through compassion of fellow human beings, an IVF child is born – a gift to be cherished and celebrated, not hidden and persecuted. 

To Kill A Mocking Bird – Revisited in IVF

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” – To Kill A Mockingbirdcropped-IVF-Spouse-Rights-Updated-e1372912834694.png

The year is 2013. We are still living in a world with unequal rights for IVF children and families. World has
witnessed women suffrage, civil rights, freedom from colonialism, apartheid, interracial marriages, single parenthood, baby scoop era, gay rights and we are onto the next frontier – intersex rights and rights for IVF children and families. Each issue is about fighting “social acceptance” of its time. Is 2013 a good time to start having a discussion of equal rights for intersex and IVF children and families or are we too early? Will there be others who benefit from having equal rights for IVF children and families and equal rights for intersex families?

As a left-behind parent of an abandoned IVF daughter and watching her turn 4 years, every moment has been worth it. We celebrate her existence and learn from the sacrifices why every human life deserves equal respect and dignity including her. There are no winners here but to punish innocent IVF children who are the most undeserving victims for the crimes they did not commit are the biggest losers. As adults, we must bring their rights as an individual to the forefront. I have a dream that one day it will not be the gender of a parent but the love and character of a parent which will define parenthood. More importantly, innocent siblings will not be judged or discriminated based on the gender of their parent.

For those who claim its a minority and tries to somehow justify the unequal laws, is that what you would say and teach your child?

For those who claim its one bad apple and let it go, is that what you would say and teach your child or teach them to stand up for their rights and others rights?

For those who claim just let it be, letting it be would mean accepting the dehumanization and disrespect for basic human dignity and that too our own child, will you as a parent let it be if your child was the victim?

The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.” – To Kill A Mockingbird

What we are seeking is a solution to the catch 22 situation we are in as an immigrant, IVF family in 2013. We have been deliberately placed into this situation due to lack of laws. Most other people just “give up” and go on in life or are unaffected by the lack of immigration laws for IVF children because the child and parent are both in the same country like the case of a California surrogate who is raising the IVF twins the biological parents abandoned – but they are all within the boundaries of the US. Inspiration comes from a Canadian couple who moved to India for 6 years before they were allowed to bring their IVF child to Canada – power of staying UNITED and saying the TRUTH. After waiting for 6 years, they were miraculously granted to take their IVF child to Canada on “humanitarian grounds” and an “exception” to the law was granted. So there is a chance?

Why cannot two IVF siblings be UNITED based on the same “humanitarian grounds”? Why cannot the two IVF siblings be taken out of the “catch 22” situation which has been created by clever manipulation of the US laws or rather lack thereof. If gay rights existed in the US in 2009, the two IVF children would NOT be separated.

As per a June 2011 US government report, the right answer is for the laws to catch up with IVF technology then isn’t this the perfect example why? Two innocent IVF siblings are being punished even if inadvertently for crimes they did not commit. What would be the disadvantage of having equal rights or having a discussion on immigrant IVF rights?

A lot of countries like India, Nepal have long recognized the “third gender” and so have laws that are specific to issues that affect families of third gender. In 2011, Australia and later New Zealand, started allowing “I” or “O” as an intermediate gender for intersex. In 2013, Germany will become the first western Europe country to recognize the undetermined gender for intersex. When will US offer the same? More importantly when will US change the laws to address the specific issues that affect intersex families and children of intersex families like IVF children?