Tag Archives: IVF child rights

Offending IVF Parents and Families

“Let’s NOT OFFEND, let’s GO FEND our basic human emotion for a child.”Equal IVF Child Rights Tshirt

As a culture we are beginning to become more constructive of others from civil rights, interracial marriages, gay rights, women rights, fertility rights. The word, “tolerance” was not used purposefully because as a society we need to look at situations positively rather than “tolerating” someone for who they are. Too often, infertile or dysfertile parents are offended by others for well, just being them. Somehow as a society we have “normalized” and numbed ourselves with how we treat (discrimination) infertile or dysfertile families and children born out of fertility treatments like IVF.

To be clear:

  1. It is NOT OK to ask someone about the fertility issues even in the best of intent. If the person feels comfortable with you, they will confide.
  2. It is NOT OK to say have you tried adoption instead of IVF? There are so many kids in the world who could use adoption. It shows lack of ground realities and the stringent adoption laws which may make it impossible for some folks to adopt – like single fathers, gays, intersex, age of married couple, etc. Adoption laws are based on archaic stereotypes and not the ground reality of 21st century where love of a parent counts and not their biology, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Most of us when we wake up every morning would like to solve world hunger but still there are millions who go to bed every night hungry. Why? Making ignorant statements like have you tried adoption instead of IVF is like have you solved world hunger because it does not capture the complexities and the ground realities.
  3. It is NOT OK to say well thats how nature made you and should remain childless. Every human has a right to life including innocent IVF children.
  4. It is NOT OK to have situations where innocent, voiceless IVF children are placed in legal limbo due to no fault of their own and simply due to lack of laws. Each infertility journey is unique in its own way and every infertile or dysfertile parent is very strong to have overcome with or without a child. Wanting a child is a basic human emotion – CANNOT DENY that. When an infertile or dysfertile parent is blessed with a child, they have already traveled a long journey only about to begin on another long journey of love and affection with the child.

To be clear:

  1. It is OFFENSIVE to separate an IVF child from a parent and saying “that’s the law”. Laws are made for our society by the people, of the people and for the people – change the laws with changing ground realities.
  2. It is OFFENSIVE to treat an IVF child like property or an asset to have them abandoned or given up for adoption due to a DNA mismatch or a parent abandoning the IVF pregnancy. Again, change the laws to provide relief for these exceptions.
  3. It is OFFENSIVE to use language like “illegitimate child born out of wedlock” when defining legal parent-child relationship between IVF child and parent. Ask any IVF parent and they will tell you, their IVF child is NOT “illegitimate”.
  4. It is OFFENSIVE to have your IVF child treated with NO legal identity, NO legal rights, and worse protection to their human and child rights than cats and dogs as pets.
  5. It is OFFENSIVE to say to an IVF parent with an IVF child in legal limbo that “you should have known better” or “you deserve it”. Does the innocent IVF child deserve it? Did the innocent IVF child know any better or asked to be born? Why take out the punishment of the parent onto an innocent child?
  6. It is OFFENSIVE to take this abuse and violation of basic human rights of IVF children and families and only to be silenced when asking for change in laws. It is OFFENSIVE to have continued stereotyping in treatment of IVF children and families.

Its 2013 and its a new era. If not today, one day in the future, there will be a day when IVF children will deserve basic human respect and dignity if not equal rights. This is the NEXT social justice fight of our 21st century.

Let’s NOT OFFEND, let’s GO FEND our basic human emotion for a child. 

When Lies Ruin Lives and Break the Laws

There is severe trauma and depression for intersex people. That’s what the medical professionals tell us. There is severe depression and trauma when an intersex person has surgery and goes on hormonal therapy changing every way imaginable. They deserve every bit of compassion and support but also LIES which breaks laws? The same person is allowed to be a primary secrets-and-lies-ruin-livescare provider of an infant under the same diagnosis without any medical help? Can’t have it both ways or can you? Rather than continuing to lie and making this case about rights of a biological parent Vs non-biological parent OR rights of an intersex person Vs non-intersex person AND so on, what about rights of immigrants, infertile, IVF children and families? For the record, why do intersex people do not have equal rights to marry or immigrate based on marriage or have reproductive rights to non-biological IVF children born outside the US? Are these issues of the spouse of intersex and IVF father trying to help or a human rights and legislative issue? The truth is this is about a person who relentlessly lies, breaks laws, teaches others to lie resulting in victimizing unsuspecting innocents including children. And when one lie gets caught, there are a set of thousand more lies to hide one lie which dehumanizes people including innocent children. This is about someone who is a criminal and the lies have caught up. If it were about compassion, then where is the compassion for an innocent, abandoned IVF child who is in legal limbo? By continuing the lies, are we suppressing the abuse on innocent children and unsuspecting spouse? Will lies achieve a solution or accepting the truth, however bitter, lead us to move forward and provide a practical solution for all victims?Are the lies ruining lives or helping lives prosper?

It is a fact that intersex marriage is not allowed as per prevailing laws. If you are intersex or a supporter of intersex, is the right answer to demand for equal marriage rights or lie and fraud unsuspecting victims into a fraud marriage? Regardless of whether a spouse of intersex believes in human rights of intersex, the fact that they have been lied to is what constitutes fraud. No marriage can be based on a foundation of lies. Certainly, it cannot be entertained as “love for the spouse” if at all, it is love for thyself. Divorces happen, but do innocent siblings get SPLIT? If a man married a woman, had biological children with her, and then later announced he is gay leading to a divorce, will the children of the marriage be SPLIT? Will the children be taken away from the mother who was the silent spectator to the discovery? Did the mother do anything wrong? Did she cheat? Did she fraud?

It is a fact that US Immigration laws did not allow “same-sex” couples to sponsor immigration for their spouses nor could they marry legally. Law abiding citizens waited, some even over 40 years to be allowed to marry legally – making it a very emotional story because truth is involved. What if an intersex person immigrated to the US based on marriage before 2013, is that legal? More importantly, can other intersex people repeat the same or are they being encouraged to break the laws also? When one takes help of lies, it only ruins lives and certainly one cannot talk openly about the facts and truth because laws were broken. How is it a greater good?

It is a fact that intersex people are infertile. They can either adopt or have children through IVF. In countries like India, intersex people are legally recognized as a “third gender” and can neither adopt or opt for IVF/surrogacy. Then how can an intersex person have custody of an IVF child without breaking any laws? More importantly, can another intersex person repeat it without breaking laws? Isn’t it better to instead demand for equal rights like Edie Windsor or Tony Briffa for the greater good? More importantly, just like the relationship with the spouse of intersex was based on foundation of lies which ruined lives, why repeat a strategy of lies with innocent IVF child, separate him from his siblings and biological family and expect a different outcome? So an intersex person successfully lied, frauded, cheated their spouse whom they claim to “love”, next they got US immigration through marriage before “same-sex” immigration was legalized, next they had an IVF child and claimed it as their own biological child because the law would not support them otherwise, next they abandoned an IVF child and sent the biological parent on a IVF horror story from hell involving, gender, biology, immigration and IVF discrimination…and now want utter silence from the victims? And they expect the IVF child will grow up with no issues once the truth is learnt? Had the spouse of intersex LEFT like majority of men do and not dealt with the complex issues on the plate, well for one, there would be no IVF brother and sister to be UNITED and this conversation would never happen. However we have someone who is a victim of nature Vs someone who is a victim of human actions including innocent children, where do we go from here? “All I am saying is lets give truth a chance.”

It is a fact that about 1 in 6 couples experience infertility. It is a fact that 100% of intersex couples are infertile or dysfertile. Shouldn’t we be advocating for equal reproductive rights for all? That is possible only if truth is allowed. Within the minority of infertile couples, some opt for IVF/surrogacy – the ones who can afford it. In even a smaller minority, some couples divorce during an ongoing IVF pregnancy or known as IVFphiles. What about the rights of the IVF child as an individual? All ongoing natural born pregnancies have to be reported to the court during a divorce in the best interest of the child, why not “equal” laws for IVF children? Are IVF children LESS of a child or have LESS of needs for their welfare and well-being? Even if inadvertent, the negligence treats the IVF child like “property” and denies them the “basic respect and dignity as a human being”, if not equal. The inaction only continues the abuse, injustice and denial of rights. If there are safe haven laws for natural born children, why not the equivalent for IVF children? And how does one deal with international IVF and immigration laws are involved?

Why should an innocent, voiceless child have to suffer and be punished by placing them in legal limbo without a legal identity for crimes they did not commit? Enough is enough.

  • First lies to cheat and fraud an unsuspecting spouse of intersex.
  • Next the abuse while undergoing severe medical treatment during marriage.
  • Next the inability to cope both as a “parent” and a “severe trauma and depression patient” and the resulting abuse on innocent child.
  • Next when threatened by a split and the spouse wanting to say the truth for his own sanity, the criminal realizes they may never be able to have a child again. So let us abandon an innocent child, split the one child from his siblings and primary care provider – another genetic male, and alienate the child systematically from his only known biological family.
  • The medical treatment works but it also takes time and the intersex person today may not be the same person a decade ago when under severe trauma and depression. But did that come at the price of ruining lives of the spouse and IVF brother and sister? Does that mean the crimes did not occur? Does that mean the laws were not broken?

Why is so much importance given to biology between parent-child by laws?

Does biology matter between a parent-child or is it the love for the child that counts? Is it the truth (love) that counts? If child abduction is a crime, is illegalValue-IVF-Children child retention also a crime? More importantly, what is the best interest of the child removed from biological family? With IVF children and its resident lack of laws creates unprecedented situations. Due to a cloud of secrecy and lies around infertility and IVF, there may be false documents created and passed of as “legal” but that does not make the documents valid. Further, it becomes very hard to say the truth because one may have lied several times and broken the laws in the past and by coming clean in the best interest of the child, there may be persecution once the truth is revealed about the fraud. We have to respect the prevailing laws and if we don’t like them, we petition for change in laws, but is breaking laws a crime? Why is so much importance given to biology between parent-child by laws? We need to protect innocent children even if a minority from IVFphiles – a new brand of criminal that places innocent IVF children in legal limbo.

1) Immigration laws in countries across the world are based on requiring a “biological link” between a parent and a child. Laws require biology and gender for immigration and splits families sometimes because the gender or biology may not match with a child. In a case of illegal retention of an Indian citizen IVF child in the US, have laws been followed? IVF procedures in the US give “preference to families that already have children by the same donor”, is that in the best interest of the child?

2) Recently, a worldwide hunt was launched to find a “biological link” with parents of a child. It seems that the only reason for suspicion was the “blonde girl” did not fit in with the parents raising her. Eventually the biological parents were found in Bulgaria based on scientific DNA tests. Is presenting fraud birth documents of an IVF child a crime, especially an IVF child who is illegally retained away from his only known biological family?

3) In another story, an IVF child’s US passport was revoked when it was revealed that there was suppression of facts about the child being born through IVF and there was “no biological link” with the parent. Why are the laws not followed consistently for all IVF children especially for children who are being illegally retained away from their only known biological family?

4) In another story, a US citizen mother was denied US passports for her IVF children because she did not have a “biological link” as she only carried them to term using donor eggs while a mother in the US was determined to be a mother who also had IVF children through donor eggs. Why the difference in the laws? Why is biology made so important?

5) In another story, A US couple was unable to take their IVF child to the US because there was an accident in the IVF clinic of sperm sample resulting in a DNA mismatch between the IVF child and the US Citizen father. The US government followed the laws of requiring “biological link” for an IVF child to immigrate ignoring that “accidents in technology” continue to occur due to no fault of the parents. Is the policy encouraging IVF parents to get fraud birth documents or false DNA tests? US is one of the most technologically advanced countries in the world, they can take a lesson from Madam Curie where accidents in science and technology should be appreciated and move forward, not be used as a tool for punishment due to lack of laws.

6) In another story in the US, a grandmother was arrested and charged because she presented fraud birth documents of her grandchild. She had a biological connection but not as a mother. But there is no legal action against a person illegally retaining an IVF child away from his biological family using false birth documents?

7) In another story in the US, a woman who abducted a child at 19 days old, Ms. Carlina White, discovered on her own of the fraud of her birth documents and led her to find her own biological parents. The woman who abducted the child, Ms. Petite, was charged and convicted admitted she wanted a child at any cost which she did, but what is the best interest of the child? Judge Kevin Castel presiding over the case said,

8) In another story, a US citizen father was united with his biological son from Brazil to live happily ever after as said by then US Secretary of State Clinton, “A child belongs with his [biological] family”. Where is the justice for an IVF child illegally being retained away from his only known biological family without telling him the truth. Where is the best interest of the child?

9) During the baby scoop era, lots of western countries, engaged in forced adoptions of innocent children because their only fault was being born to “single mothers” and its inherent “social inacceptability” at the time. Since then, there have been apologies from the governments and a valid voice from the children and the biological mothers who were coerced and forced to become an accomplice to the abduction of their own child. Is the discrimination being repeated against a different group of IVF fathers because we are in the “transition” of “social acceptance” of some fathers sharing equal parenting activities? Should “gay fathers” be banned parent rights simply because we as a society do think that “fathers” are less as a parent?

10) As a society, we should have every compassion for intersex people and infertile people. What about compassion for IVF children and families including donors and surrogates? The right answer is have equal laws and not break the laws. The right answer is to educate and spread awareness to get equal laws. We cannot go around breaking the laws and placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo. We cannot go around creating IVF children and then abandoning them for personal benefit without any responsibility or accountability for the welfare of the innocent IVF child. The IVF child is an equal human being and deserves and demands basic respect and dignity as  a human if not equal.

Cold War Era Remnants – IVF Era Remnants

“Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down This Wall” said President Ronald Reagan famously in 1987. In 1989, the Berlin walls were broken thanks to glasnost—tear down this wall ivfopenness and freedom— and perestroika—economic restructuring. A decades long cold war ended just like that – no missiles fired, no guns, no unnecessary loss of lives, no Nazi like torture among others. Change is in the air. We look forward to the day when we “Tear Down This Wall and provide EQUAL rights for IVF children and families” – says an IVF parent. When will we tear down the walls of secrecy and stigma and start solving real issues plaguing IVF children and families?

In 2013, the anti-gay laws were relaxed in the US. Same-sex marriages started to be recognized legally while they were recognized socially before. Spouses of same-sex marriage could sponsor their immigrant spouse. Health care benefits among other things could be given to same-sex couples. In 2009, an intersex family is destroyed using these very same anti-IVF and anti-gay laws in successfully splitting innocent IVF siblings. We are still in a status quo where US does not recognize intersex as “third gender” and legally considers it “same-sex” depending on situations. It is also true that intersex people are infertile and have a very high likelihood of turning to infertility treatments like IVF to have a child triggering immigration laws for IVF children born outside the US. While socially and physically, a spouse of intersex is not gay, from a legal perspective they and their IVF children are treated as being in a “same-sex” marriage since US does not recognize “third gender” yet.

If equal laws existed, IVF children would not be separated from their families. If equal laws existed, parents who are infertile would not have a need to lie and break the laws and place innocent IVF children in legal limbo. If equal laws existed, innocent IVF children would not become “land-locked” or be forced to be abandoned or given up for forced adoption. If equal laws existed, innocent IVF children would be ensured protection of their basic human rights and dignity by treating them as a “equal human being”. If it is illegal to abandon a natural born child, is it illegal to abandon an IVF child? Are the needs for welfare, growth and development of an IVF child same as a natural born child – then why aren’t the laws the same? What matters is the result and the status quo to address the needs and the best interest of the child. The status quo is inaction, continued lies including breaking laws, and placing innocent, voiceless IVF children in legal limbo even if inadvertent. We need to move on…

In 1987, President Reagan said the famous words, “break down this wall”.

In 2009, two IV siblings were deliberately and heinously split on two continents using the anti-IVF and anti-gay laws of 2009.

In 1989, the Berlin wall fell because it was inevitable.

In 2013, the IVF brother and sister have still never met, when will their time come? When will their “Berlin wall” fall?

In 2013, 24 years after the Berlin Wall fell, a unified Germany is one of the strongest economy in the world and one of the most open and free cultures. In 2013, Germany announced it will legally start recognizing the “third gender” for intersex and thus all the secrecy, lying, stigma, breaking the laws can stop.

When will the time come for IVF siblings to unite who are born during a intersex marriage in the 2000s? It is great to see more transparency, an environment that encourages truth but are the IVF siblings not being able to meet a remnant of anti-intersex, anti-immigrant, anti-gay, anti-IVF laws of the 2000s? If so, why avoid and deny the inevitable which is a meeting between the two IVF siblings on compassionate and humanitarian grounds and allow them to grow up together as brother and sister as they were meant to be? Are all “subject matter experts” familiar with issues that come up which are specific for IVF children? There is education and awareness for children with Down’s Syndrome, Cystic Fibrosis, ADD, ADHD, etc. because parents are allowed to talk about it freely. Infertility and IVF are dealt with secrecy, lies and fraud sometimes. Do we as a society have all the information necessary to be “subject matter experts” on IVF child needs and maintain the “best interest of the child”?

Living in the Present

After living a decade of secrecy and lies, there is nothing we wish than to move forward. The trauma and live in the presenttragedy will NEVER be able to be captured in words. In order to move on, we need a PRESENT and a FUTURE. Having a STATELESS child is our present. Having a brother and sister who have NEVER met is our PRESENT. Being able to LIVE FREE and WITH TRUTH is our PRESENT and FUTURE. After being left for dead in an IVF holocaust, it is a miracle to have survived through the love and support of family.

Continuing to live in secrecy and lies is NOT going to get our STATELESS children their RIGHTS. Continuing to suffer in SILENCE is NOT going to arouse CHANGE for the FUTURE. Continuing to live as a VICTIM is NOT going to breed HOPE for the future. Some intersex parents have been taught to teach their intersex children to LIE which BREAKS laws and violates human rights of others is NO way to achieve SOCIAL JUSTICE. In a few years when the IVF brother and sister are adults and meet, instead of sharing their childhood pictures and videos of growing up separately, we would like them to be together in the same pictures and videos.

The PRESENT

One man, two IVF children, six women – thats our PRESENT. International IVF, immigration laws, invisible in the eyes of the law – thats our PRESENT. All marriages (whether legal or illegal) have issues and quite a few end up in divorce but they DO NOT SPLIT siblings – brother and sister. Thats our PRESENT – SEPARATED SIBLINGS. Does a son have a right to grow up around his only known biological family? His primary care provider? His sibling he dreamt of? His fast-aging grandparents? Does he have ANY rights? Will the son, a MALE, learn to be compassionate, truthful, loving, caring, etc? And what are the BENEFITS of it – like his father, be separated from his son? There are fathers who do NOT have primary custody of the children but at least have practical joint custody and can actively PARTICIPATE in their child’s life after a divorce. Living in forced EXILE on a DIFFERENT continent with NO ACTIVE PARTICIPATION in our child’s life – thats our PRESENT. Good fathers do NOT have primary custody because they LIED, CHEATED their spouse. Do LIARS, CHEATERS, FRAUDSTERS get primary custody of CHILDREN? During the “baby scoop era”, double standards were used against “single mothers” to SPLIT their BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN from them. Today of course, single motherhood is celebrated. Is there a REPEAT of double standards of SPLITTING BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN from their IVF parents – if not deliberately then inadvertently due to lack of laws? What is definition of CHILD ABDUCTION?

If you consent to international IVF as a couple, are BOTH responsible and accountable for the IVF child? And what are the rights of the IVF child if the IVF pregnancy is ABANDONED midway when one person changes their mind? Does that mean an existing IVF brother LOSES the RIGHT to have a sibling? What are the human rights and child rights of the IVF child? Should the IVF child be condemned to become STATELESS because of an abandoning adult? What about the DREAMS that the IVF father and son SHARED to enjoy a sibling together and kept trying for three years? Are IVF children humans with basic human rights and same needs as traditional born children? Is the ONLY way to ensure IVF child has ANY rights in an international (immigration) IVF if your egg, womb or sperm is used in an IVF cycle? Sadly, children inherit RIGHTS from PARENTS and IVF fundamentally changes this basic assumption of “LEGAL PARENT” – thats our PRESENT.

The FUTURE

We want to MOVE FORWARD. Being stuck in several episodes of “Twilight zones” combined into one, it is IMPOSSIBLE to move forward. Witnessing the rights of innocent, voiceless children being violated with NO relief for VICTIMS and NO DUE PROCESS makes it IMPOSSIBLE to move forward.

The bigger question is what is the future of rights for IVF children and families? Is the strategy to use secrecy and lies which has failed in dealing with other traumatic conditions? We are already seeing glimmers of EQUALITY when in 2013 gay immigrant families are allowed in the US. If this were true for IVF children and families in 2009, the innocent IVF brother and sister would NOT have been separated.

During the baby scoop era, mothers were coerced, lied to, and forced to give up their child for adoption only for governments to apologize later. In dealing with intersex for decades, a concealment based approach was used with a complex web of secrecy and lies including fraud medical records. Both have been REJECTED and dealing with TRUTH is accepted. Is history repeating with IVF children and families where a complex web of secrecy, coercion, lies, fraud legal documents, breaking the laws is being FORCED? Like other cases, truth will prevail and secrecy and lies including fraud records and documents to SEPARATE children from biological families is a failed approach.