Tag Archives: invisible

Happy World Embryology Day

Thirty six years ago, he world’s first IVF child was born. Wishing everyone a Happy World Embryology day if you care. Some famous people born in IVF-Cruelty1978 as well are Ashton Kutcher, Zoe Saldana, Tia and Tamera Mowry, Usher, Kobe Bryant, Katie Holmes, first IVF baby in the world – Louise Brown, India’s first IVF baby – Durga. Sadly, we still do not have equal rights for IVF children and families.

Technology is wonderful when used correctly and thanks to the hard work of scientists, researchers for doing their part for the progress of humanity. Whose job is it to have laws that keep pace with technology? Have they done their job? What happens when the laws fall short and innocent IVF children are victimized with no justice? Whose responsibility and accountability is that?

In 1978, there were about 4.3 billion people and 2 IVF children.

In 2012, there were about 7.1 billion people and the 5 millionth IVF child was delivered.

In 2012, the CDC estimated 1% of all births in US were through IVF and expect all births to be about 5% soon.

By 2020, the population is estimated to be about 7.7 billion and the IVF industry is expected to double (maybe the number of IVF children born will also double as a conservative estimate?)

When will IVF be a “big enough” issue to start caring? And it is about the innocent, voiceless IVF children – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable. When will we as a society wake up? What will it take for us as a society to wake up? 

If “IVF” is an “industry”, then what is it “product” and who is protecting their rights? Should any industry be regulated especially where billions of dollars are involved? Especially where innocent children’s lives may be at risk? Especially where innocent children’s welfare may be endangered?

If “IVF” is to help infertile or dysfertile people, who helps the IVF children? What are the rights of IVF children when born during a divorce? Do they deserve a legal identity or should they be shoved under the carpet and make them invisible? Does that solve the problem?

When a straight couple who is dealing with infertility, are both spouses impacted with the lack of laws for IVF children and families? When gay couples, lesbian couples, single men, single women, infertile couples attempt to solve their “dysfertility” with help of other compassionate human beings, should there also be laws to help them and the IVF children? Or should such people be discriminated and falsely persecuted for daring to dream to have a child through help of technology? Worse their innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit and for the actions of their parents.

Every IVF journey is unique. Some result in not having a IVF child at all despite multiple attempts which sadly failed. The worst is having an IVF child who is born into legal limbo and not having any rights as a living, breathing human being. Sadly, pets have more rights in some cases. 

This year on World Embryology Day, let us pledge for equal rights for IVF children and families. This includes the entire IVF fraternity – the donors, the surrogates, the IVF clinics and medical professionals, the intended parents, and most importantly the IVF child. If there are laws for international child adoption, if there are laws for international child abduction, why are there no laws for international IVF children? More importantly, in absence of these laws, how do innocent victims get justice? 

The cornerstone of any IVF cycle is compassion of a fellow human being. It is the essence of our humanity. Let us hope that is NOT lost.

I Am ____

I am Scottsboro boysI am

I am Baby Scoop Era

I am IVF

I am immigrant

I am DSD family

I am LGBTI family

I am invisible

I am Rosa Parks

I am Susan B Anthony

I am Erin Brockovich

I am Edie Windsor

I am Tony Briffa

I am civil rights

I am reproductive rights

I am immigrant rights

I am family rights

I am IVF child

I am thankful for the compassionate donors and surrogates without whom could not have had lovely IVF children

I am caregiver

I am brother

I am sister

I am child

I am father

I am mother

I am primary care provider

I am infertile or dysfertile

I am human

I am no more lying

I am truth

This case is about all these people and only truth can get us a solution. Secrecy and lies punishes innocents and continued lies and secrecy to hid one lie further aggravates the situation failing to provide a solution. There are others who matter and who are human beings too. I am one of them to confront truth before its too late and not someone who is DSD, immigrant, infertile and enjoys an IVF child while claiming the child is natural born.

Relentless secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, crimes, breaking the laws can help one achieve access to an immigrant, non-biological child but what is the greater good? Can it change facts?

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court.

  1. While they can enjoy the IVF child, what does the IVF child want and need? If there is compassion for DSD, should there also be compassion for IVF child?
  2. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that their actions are directly responsible for placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo and splitting the IVF siblings and two innocent childhoods have been robbed.
  3. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that several DSD people cannot immigrate based on marriage because they dont have marriage rights and consequently no DSD family rights.
  4. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that several infertile people cannot bring their non-biological IVF child to the US because of lack of immigration laws.
  5. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that it is their lies and secrecy which has caused the innocent IVF children to be placed in legal limbo.
  6. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that thousands of DSD people are born every year with the same natural condition and living without equal rights. Secrecy and lies will not help them achieve equal rights, truth, education, and awareness will.
  7. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that the IVF child has a very loving parent, siblings, grandparents, and others who love him dearly but are denied his rights and their rights.
  8. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact about the compassion of egg donor and surrogate women and instead of celebrating their contribution, why lie to pass of the IVF child as a natural born child. Will the love for the child become any less by saying the truth? Why forbid others to say the truth?
  9. While they can enjoy the IVF child, they still cannot change the fact that there is a lack of laws for IVF children and families. The lack of laws is like placing a “staircase” in front of a wheelchair bound person. Would they have any experience about lack of “rights” as a DSD, immigrant, infertile person? And secrecy and lies is the right solution?
  10. While they can continue to lie, defame, violate human beings, they still cannot change the fact that this is about a DSD family, IVF parent, binational immigrant filled with noble intentions, love and compassion. Have they tried that lately –  Compassion and Truth? Despite the denial of DSD, infertility, we will always be canaries in the coal mine. Despite the secrecy and lies, we have been to DSD, IVF, Immigration and Beyond in 2000s.

This is about someone who is a relentless criminal and will abuse, violate, lie, fraud anyone including innocent children. Do the children have rights? Do other DSD people have rights? Do IVF parents have rights? Do caregiver have rights? Do immigrants have rights?

Legal Disability and Discrimination of IVF

We do not expect our governments to get rid of our disabilities and help us climb stairs or help us see, but we do expect our governments to pass laws sodisability-discrimination-ivf that there are ramps to buildings and Braille on public boards and so on so people can self-help. We do not expect our governments to give a child to every human but we do expect our governments to have laws for all children (including IVF) to be treated equally. Anything less is a test of time and is discriminatory. December 3 is International Day of Persons with Disabilities.

I love you my children because you are wonderful children and you are a wonderful human being. Second because you are my children and inherently every parent loves their child. Third you symbolize something much bigger than you or me because of the gifted way you came to our world with compassion, struggles, sacrifices of several people – humanity at its best. As part of an international IVF, immigrant family in 2000s with lack of laws, we are rendered effectively with “legal disability” and discrimination. Do we continue to suffer in silence or do we state the truth and ask for help (not pity)?  In the near future (I hope but life has taught me it will be distant), gender of a parent or the biology of a parent will not be used to discriminate against innocent children. Over the years, human society has struggled with political correctness on how to deal with disability and discrimination of humans and different societies deal with it differently. What is critical is results count and effects of our actions or inactions count. Can we extend a hand to help or do we chop off the hand that tries to help? Can you help an IVF child get home? – The answer is simple, pass laws for their real-life situations and needs.

In some countries, it may be illegal to discriminate against people with disabilities but still no services are provided that can provide self-help. For example, public signage should be Braille compliant or public buildings should be ramp compliant for wheelchair access and so on. So while there may be laws to punish discrimination, are we providing “help” to seamlessly allow disabled people to grow, develop and feel empowered on their own? Most developed countries have both laws AND services to address the real life issues and concerns, where do innocent IVF children fit in to the puzzle? Neither laws exist for them nor help exist for their specific needs and issues, are they invisible? Are they also equal human beings who deserve basic human rights and decency if not equal? Do surrogates deserve protection and rights for the services they offer in terms of a gift of an IVF child? Or should they be abandoned or mistreated? If intended parents sign up for an IVF child and then file divorce during an ongoing pregnancy, why should that be an issue/problem/denial of basic human rights for the IVF child and/or the surrogate? What counts is the current state rather than how we got here. Current state is that in some cases IVF children are being discriminated due to no fault of theirs. Whether it is an accident in the IVF clinic resulting in a DNA mismatch and thus the immigration laws are triggered separating the parent and IVF child OR a birth mother who used donor eggs and sperm but not having a “biological link” as defined in the laws OR a biological father who used donor eggs and surrogate but has “no legal mother” of the IVF child OR when a divorce is filed during an ongoing IVF pregnancy. These real-life situations are placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo and violating their fundamental and basic rights as a human being. If you are “invisible” in the legal system with no legal identity, can you demand for your legal rights? Do “invisible” human beings have rights?

The special situations create a “disabled” world of legal limbo for innocent IVF children. While the laws may be inadvertent, our inactions and not passing any new laws to protect the innocent IVF children is discriminatory. The IVF child has been made “invisible” of their needs and issues and that causes their “legal disability”. As an IVF parent, I have been through several roller coasters – emotional, financial, social, physical, spiritual, and so on. I love my IVF child so much that went through the roller coasters all over again for another IVF child. And then to have them grow up separately due to no fault of theirs, rather, using my gender as an IVF parent to discriminate and separate them is worse than appalling, it is heinous. One can understand the lack of laws, but to show utter disregard and basic human decency for a human life and that too innocent children is heinous. To the world, deliberately separated IVF children may just be a statistic, for me they are everything (all IVF children). In one case, they are two beautiful IVF brother and sister – who deserve the best and who deserve basic rights if NOT equal. Equal rights for IVF children is a dream that may not be achieved in this lifetime because of the snail’s pace of progress on this sensitive subject, so help us at least by giving us basic human rights, if not equal.

Familypreneur

The definition for “entrepreneur” as provided by the dictionary is : one who organizes, manages, and takes on UglyHeart-PrettyFacethe risks of a business or enterprise. Then what is a “familypreneur“? Is it ” one who organizes, manages, and takes on the risks of a family”? Typically, this is a role that women have taken on traditionally or naturally. There are women who may take offense to have it “expected” out of them Vs. there are women who may take offense if its not mentioned. As in other things in life, one cannot make everyone happy. But you start a discussion somewhere, silence is the worst form of abuse. From first hand accounts from victims of rape, domestic violence and abuse, it has come to realization that staying SILENT is wrong and allows the abuser to abuse more. TRUTH is the only way forward.

Mothers are great, the traditional familypreneur. They have multiple roles as primary caregiver, primary healer, primary forgiver, primary compassionate and loving person and keeps the “family” glued together just to name a few. It is not that a mother makes you a meal or whatever else but how she does it with tender love and care that makes a mother different in ALL regards. When there are two genetic males in a relationship, who is the “traditional familypreneur”? When a child arrives (technology is amazing!), who is the “traditional familypreneur” between two genetic males? Do we have the laws and resources and social organizations to help relationships between two genetic males like domestic violence, abuse, equal rights, etc? For those who believe its time to move on, we welcome you to know the TRUTH and FACTS and you will understand that the young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND an IVF father is not someone who GIVES UP. Had he given up, the intersex person would have been devastated long time ago, the IVF children would NEVER have been born and more than likely, his life would have ended a long time ago if giving up is the cause. So, GIVING UP is not the answer, TRUTH with COMPASSION is. The spouse always showed compassion but was missing the TRUTH part and its never too late to start speaking the truth, especially when INNOCENT children are involved. The lion inside the IVF father has woken up for the sake of his CHILDREN. The issue is neither intersex nor infertility, the issue is LYING and BREAKING the LAWS including abusing innocent infants and denying them their rights.

I Have A Dream…

I have a dream that someday IVF children and families will have EQUAL rights and NOT be a slave or hostage to infertility, secrecy and stigma. Infertility is very traumatic, why continue the burden onto innocent, voiceless IVF children after they are born due to unequal laws?

I have a dream that someday a child’s rights is NOT based on their parent’s gender.

I have a dream that someday what will matter MOST is the love for the child as a parent and NOT a parent’s gender.

I have a dream that someday IVF parents are able to say the TRUTH to their IVF children without any stigma or REQUIRING a court order to say the TRUTH.

I have a dream that someday IVF families will be allowed to CELEBRATE IVF with their IVF children instead of SUPPRESSING the FACTS and LYING and CENSORSHIP.

I have a dream that someday the ONLY thing that matters is TRUTH.

Relentless Servitude and Repeated Lying and Breaking the Laws

Intersex marriage is illegal just like same-sex marriage is illegal. So if you are in love with a same-sex person, do you convince them to commit fraud and break the laws? Or do you both UNITE as a family and fight for equal rights so that you can marry legally? Falling in love with same-sex person is “Personal” while “legal marriage” is a public policy issue. If you lie, cheat, and fraud into an intersex marriage, does that mean the marriage is legal? Does that mean that other intersex people can ALSO marry legally? Isn’t it better to fight for equal rights and the greater good than just thinking selfishly for yourself? This is about living on the EDGE of medical science and on the EDGE of social justice. Take a journey into why a DECADE of secrecy and lies is a failed approach and why TRUTH with compassion is the right answer. While the Asian cultures recognize the “third gender” legally, the western culture forces everyone into a “binary gender” and regardless the laws in the west also consider intersex marriage illegal.

Maybe if you lied, cheated, and frauded into a marriage, if you truly love the person, you apologize, ask for forgiveness and move on. If there is compassion, there will be life after that. The secrecy helps NO ONE. There are several intersex people who have intersex surgery either in childhood, or in puberty or as an adult but NOT DURING MARRIAGE. When a spouse of intersex experiences intersex surgery DURING MARRIAGE, he is not only taking RISK for the family but it is UNKNOWN RISK. The spouse becomes a caregiver overnight due to the medications, the treatment. There are several marriages where a spouse may have a “life-changing” health condition like a young war veteran amputee or a breast cancer treatment and so on. Several spouses STAY and help out as a caregiver. More importantly, the spouses are allowed to share the TRUTH and seek HELP. The young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex is FORCED into SILENCE and thereby DENIED any HELP. Is that abuse? The intersex person and their health providers thought ONLY about the intersex patient, NOT the caregiver, NOT the FAMILY. Because the health providers ONLY have protocols for helping intersex people and their parents, NONE for spouse of intersex. The spouse of intersex takes on UNKNOWN RISK for the family, manages and organizes everything in SILENCE. The intersex surgery is NOT abuse but the effects of it are including violence abuse and threats. Creating FRAUD LEGAL DOCUMENTS is a CRIME regardless of justifications. The way it is being dealt with DURING A MARRIAGE is abuse and a gross violation of human rights. Since the marriage is ILLEGAL, can there be any charges of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE? Technically, the marriage is between two genetic males, are there any LAWS for violence and abuse of male Vs. male? The spouse is rendered into the land of invisible in the eyes of law. As the old addage goes, till death do us apart. The spouse witnessed the WORST possible stages that an individual can go through…a transition that affects you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, in EVERY WAY possible. The spouse managed, organized the family in SILENCE, STOOD BY the intersex SPOUSE, DID NOT LEAVE THE MARRIAGE. In all these times, the spouse did not even care for himself, something most family caregivers are guilty of. Does that mean we can ABUSE them?

Then came the child. Biologically, two genetic males cannot have a child. However, medical technology like in vitro fertilization (IVF) is amazing and helps infertile or dysfertile couples. It is expensive. As a YOUNG couple, we did not have the FINANCIAL resources to have an IVF child in the US. India, our country of citizenship, had just opened up commercial surrogacy. Sadly, there were NO agencies or subject matter experts to help us organize and manage IVF in India while we live in the US. Plus we were dealing with infertility in secrecy as the intersex spouse in NO WAY wanted anyone to know about the infertility just like intersex. ROUND 2 of failed approach of SECRECY and LIES. As a result, we had NO access to bioethicists, women’s organizations, proper counseling for IVF – the pros and cons from a neutral partner. We were young, foolish and desperate for a child. Had the TRUTH been known, most people would have asked us to WAIT to have a child. We LIED, we kept SECRETS and got a lovely IVF child. During those times as the biological parent, the fertile spouse spent sleepless nights talking to the IVF clinic in India and gathering information about his soon to be born FIRST CHILD. For any parent, thats a MOMENT of great JOY. However because the IVF procedure was SECRET, because we could NOT tell our family and friends, the fertile spouse was NOT allowed to SHARE the JOY of having a child. Is that CRUEL? Wouldn’t have been better to just say the TRUTH? Just like the ongoing caregiving experience was in silence, the becoming a PARENT was experienced in SILENCE. The IVF child was born, fraud LEGAL documents were CREATED AGAIN just like the intersex surgery, and the IVF child was illegally brought to the US. This was probably the single BIGGEST RISK taken for the family. Instead of celebrating the FIRST IVF CHILD of an Eunuch marriage in India or known as intersex elsewhere, why should we be silenced? It is a SYMBOL of everything that intersex or Eunuchs are fighting for worldwide – EQUALITY.

Raising The First IVF Child of an Eunuch Marriage

Mothers are great and I love my mother. Who is the “mother” for a child between two genetic males? Unless you are opposed to gay marriage and we can stop the discussion. Who is the “mother” for a child in a gay couple? In an IVF child case, who is the “legal mother”? the anonymous egg donor or the surrogate or the two genetic males? Rather than focusing on “mother”, we can discuss about the “primary care provider”. One spouse was under medical treatment for intersex surgery and still coming to terms with the ongoing hormonal treatment. Also, they had a broken leg making it physically impractical to carry an infant, change the diapers on the infant, taking the infant out for a walk with their broken leg, and so many other things that a “primary care provider” does. While it is very TRAUMATIC for the intersex spouse, who DID the “primary care provider” duties for the INFANT? Did his diaper get changed automatically? Did someone pick him up automatically? Did someone take him out for walks, to the park, look after his development while one spouse was recovering from multiple tragedies? Could it be the young, male, spouse caregiver who also DOUBLED up as the biological parent who had already spend several sleepless nights waiting in SILENCE for this bundle of love to arrive? Could he manage and organize and take the RISK for the family, his own son? Could he be the primary care provider for his own son for whom he had struggled so hard?

Years Passed

The intersex spouse gradually kept getting better at the cost of silence of the fertile spouse caregiver and the innocent infant. If she is a butterfly today, we have both experienced and witnessed the ugly stage of larvae. The  silence and abuse was unbearable and the fertile spouse asked for a divorce. This shook the foundation of the intersex spouse. One, the marriage was illegal, second there was NO biological connection with the IVF child, a DNA test would prove that, and third and probably the most important one, who else and how else would she get ANOTHER child in this lifetime? Sadly, the LAWS for intersex are unequal and living as a binational immigrant in the US, makes it only WORSE for IVF families and children. Does that mean its OK to SPLIT a child from his primary care provider, his father? Does that mean its OK to SPLIT an IVF child from his only knownn biological family? We have shown our sympathy, empathy, compassion more in ACTION than in words for the traumatic case of intersex, but we are humans too, we have human rights too, or do we? More importantly, our IVF children deserve EQUAL rights and should not be INVISIBLE in the eyes of the law. We need a LEGAL IDENTITY for our IVF children. SECRECY AND LIES is NOT the answer. The abuse, violence, threats perpetrated upon us CANNOT BE ALLOWED to be perpetrated on innocent children in the name of “compassion”. Say the TRUTH. The spouse caregiver of intersex and IVF father is LUCKY to be alive. There are several other fertile people who have been murdered or killed or other such things so that an infertile person can take their child away. This is DIFFERENT. This is more like the “baby scoop era” of the 1940s to 1970s when children were taken away from their biological mothers because they were “single” and it was “socially unacceptable” at the time. There were forced adoptions which were LEGALIZED then only for the governments to be APOLOGIZING now. Can the childhoods be RESTORED? Is this case of “LEGAL KIDNAPPING” by suppression of FACTS? What we want is RESPECT the LAWS. If the LAWS are unEQUAL then fight for EQUAL LAWS but BREAKING the LAWS while abusing someone else is NOT the right approach.

This case is AHEAD of its times. Thats OK. If I were to be murdered or be silenced somehow, let TRUTH prevail.

 

If one is a Butterfly today, what was the Pupa stage like?

In a marriage everyone says that a person changes after marriage – man or woman. The courting time is NOT butterflythe same as life after marriage. When issues arise, there are communication issues, therapy sessions, maybe friends and family, and if there is LOVE somehow things work out or one breaks-up. It is safe to say it is in our human behavior that we all are inherently displaying and placing our best foot forward during courting and once the deal is done maybe we start taking the other person for granted OR are distracted OR were LIED to or CHEATED or FRAUDED. As individuals, we all have our issues to deal with but communication is KEY. In that, truth is KEY. In that, LOVE PROSPERS.

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court

When a fraud intersex marriage begins to unravel, it has disastrous consequences at ALL levels if there were LIES. There are a lot of intersex people who are HONEST about their situation with the person they claim to LOVE and it often works out amicably. So the issue is NOT intersex, the issue is honesty and trust and love. When those things CHANGE in any marriage, how can it survive? In an intersex marriage in 2000s, there is the added burden of dealing with the LACK of LAWS. There are lot of intersex people who had the surgery either BEFORE marriage while their parents were the caregivers or never had the surgery. So the issue of a “spouse caregiver” does NOT arise. Then there are the facts we have to consider.

CAIS and its Effects in a Marriage

There is scientific evidence that people with Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) have male testes. The medical community often recommends a surgery to remove the male testes (which has since been determined as unnecessary and as torture) and go on a Hormone Replacement Therapy. The medical treatment causes depression, irritability, wild mood swings, severe trauma among other things. This is what is REPORTED in medical literature. The medical community uses a concealment based approach to systematically LIE and create fraud medical documents.

1) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is LYING. Because of the LIES, it takes away the RIGHTS of the spouse caregiver. What about the violence, the abuse, the threats during this transition phase? By denying the TRUTH, the abuse and trauma are CONTINUED on the unsuspecting, victim spouse caregiver of intersex.

2) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is DENIAL of TRUTH.  What about the FACT that the father was the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for the IVF child because the intersex person was under medical treatment? What about the inseparable BOND and love that a son had with his father because he was his primary care provider in silence despite the “conventional stereotypes” against males. Was it a MISTAKE to show compassion and stay quiet and have the silence and humility USED against you or worse, against innocent brother and sister?

3) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is the LAW relies on documents and what do you do with a FRAUD MEDICAL DOCUMENT in court? If an intersex person chooses to DENY themselves the TRUTH and continues to LIE, they are cheating themselves the MOST. Their LIES are hurting so many other LIVES.

4) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the fraud medical records have unintended consequences on innocent children including ABUSE.

5) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, most insurances do NOT cover the surgery and is an out of pocket expense for intersex patients and families. Without TRUTH and awareness, how can we get insurance benefits for other intersex people and families or do we continue a pattern and trend of fraud and lying?

6) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is DENIAL. The first step for any solution is acceptance. How can we ever get to any solution for the children if we LIVE IN DENIAL? Instead, one continues to repeat a thousand lies to hide one lie and continuing to HURT and ABUSE more people. Are SIBLINGS important?

Transition – the Pupa Stage

It is absolutely very traumatic for a CAIS person to go through the unnecessary surgery and then go on HRT. And that too during a marriage to a spouse they LIED to about their situation. If the trauma was NOT enough, it would only make the trauma MORE because of the guilt or may be not if they are seasoned to lying. Is there any trauma for the spouse caregiver of intersex? Or is the spouse caregiver AT FAULT to be married to an intersex person and wanting to help? A person CHANGES in every way possible as they work through this transition – mentally, physically, physiologically, emotionally, spiritually. Any one of these changes has a profound EFFECT in any marriage. Notice we are leaving intimacy out of it. Now imagine ALL these CHANGES occurring at the SAME TIME in a marriage, it is certainly MORE than a FULL CUP of CHANGE. It is often sprinkled with violence, abuse, emotional out bursts, guilt, threats, irritability, and so on. As time goes on, the stabilization occurs AND the person has CHANGED. Worse, it happened in secrecy and silence. Did anyone pay a PRICE for the CHANGE?

The Butterfly

The person whom you knew BEFORE the marriage has CHANGED – nothing new for most marriages. The person whom you became a spouse caregiver for has CHANGED – there are lot of spouse caregivers too. The person for whom you gave up higher education, career, better part of 30s, respected their privacy and secrecy, living in a world of 6 billion BUT living LONELY in secrecy due to the TRANSITION has CHANGED – now we are getting into the “minority region”. Over time, the medical treatment has stabilized and maybe even CHANGED for the better. If the person is a butterfly today, a spouse caregiver of intersex and his IVF child have experienced and seen the WORST pupa stage in silence. Who was the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for the IVF child during this traumatic transition and ongoing medical treatment? It is an experience that stays with you for a lifetime. As traumatic as miscarriages are to a mother, one can NEVER forget. One tries to live and move on and maybe even are blessed with other children but the MISCARRIAGE and its experience are ALWAYS a part of you. Our life is a SUM of our experiences.  So please do NOT placate by suggesting cliche statements like “past is past”, “move on”, etc. Unless you have experienced the transition of your spouse in every way imaginable way and discovering the LIES, you have no CLUE what that is. That experience has made a STRONGER person of the caregiver, why FORGET?

So if the person has stabilized, if they have CHANGED for the better, what is the issue? The issue is LIES that involve breaking the laws. The issue is the continued LIES to SPLIT innocent brother and sister. By showing a fraud medical record of having a “removal of ovaries” surgery DOES NOT change the facts. First it shows that the intersex person is still in DENIAL and one has to deal with the multitude of issues for themselves. Second, it DENIES the RIGHTS of others like the innocent IVF brother and sister and the spouse caregiver. Its as if their life of abuse, lies, pain, suffering, trauma, victimization NEVER happened. It takes away the basic human dignity of a person to speak the TRUTH. Third, CAIS is naturally occurring meaning there will still be OTHERS born with it who will ALSO have male testes. How will the LYING or FRAUD medical records HELP them? Isn’t it better to say the TRUTH and empower them with the TRUTH?

Chaos Theory and Butterfly Effect – As the theory goes that a butterfly flapping its wings in China can cause weather systems in the US. What do years of secrecy, lies and breaking laws do to an unsuspecting, innocent family who are SPLIT with two IVF children on two different continents and are NOT allowed to meet? Is it fair to say that the lingering effects of being part of an intersex family and the lack of laws to address the issues of an intersex family are with them for a lifetime?

Looking Ahead – Move Forward

The irony is that the LIES of the medical community have traumatized and devastated several intersex children unnecessarily. The REAL culprit being secrecy and stigma. Now the SAME LIES are traumatizing and devastating the innocent childhoods of an IVF brother and sister. What have the LIES accomplished? They have placed the innocent IVF children in LEGAL LIMBO. Should we repeat history and DENY them their RIGHTS TOO like denial of rights for intersex?

The lesson learnt is that intersex or IVF is NOT the culprit. The LACK of LAWS due to secrecy, lying and lack of awareness is. So NO MORE lying, truth begins. The journey may be long, tedious, lot of opposition, against conventional wisdom with the ongoing LGBTI movements, BUT then again what is “conventional” about this case? Change is constant, change is inevitable just like TRUTH.

Criminal Intent – IVF Style

When this case sinks in to enough people’s minds and a critical mass is there for them to see that it could have law-and-order-criminal-intenteasily been them. The complex combination of lack of laws for Intersex, Infertility, Immigration, Invisibility – the four “I”s of this case or “effects of intersex family” is wrecking HAVOC and traumatizing innocent, unsuspecting victims. While we WAIT for EQUAL laws to pass, what if laws are broken in the PRESENT with a criminal intent? There are intersex people who are honest, there are gay people who are fighting to get LAWS and RIGHTS (like Edie Windsor)  and helping themselves and others. Their intent is NOT to break the laws but to recognize their circumstances by sharing the TRUTH and getting LAWS changed to reflect their realities and others like them. They are the spark like Rosa Parks – take a stand.

Could This Be You?

“Become the change you want to see in this world” – Mahatma Gandhi

1) In a recent study, nearly 1 in 4 Americans are a family caregiver which is 25% of the population. The actual numbers may be more as NOT every family caregiver identifies themselves.

2) Spouse caregivers of breast cancer or mesothelioma or Alzheimer and others are allowed to share the facts of their issues so they can get help and support. Is the same true for spouse caregivers of intersex? To put it into perspective, in a recent study it was found that 83% of male spouses leave their spouse when diagnosed with a traumatic condition instead of becoming a spouse caregiver.

3) Support for “equal marriage rights” in 2013 in the US is well above 50%, what was it in early 2000s?

4) Support for immigration of gay families to the US is increasing in 2013, what was it in early 2000s?

5) As per CDC data, infertility affects 1 in 6 couples which is accounting for straight couples. In 2013 with “equal marriage rights”, what is the new infertility or dysfertility” rate including LGBTI couples? A study is NOT out yet but logically it seems there will be MORE people affected by it than there were in early 2000s.

6) All these issues lead to a “critical mass” to have LAWS that affect people who may be family caregivers or in a LGBTI marriage or dealing with infertility or dysfertility or immigration of gay families or immigration of IVF children. We are NOT there yet in 2013. We are still WAITING for these realities to kick in.

Unless there was love and compassion, a spouse would NOT subject themselves to this and later to find out they were LIED, CHEATED, FRAUDED knowingly and deliberately all along. The secrecy and lies in dealing with intersex DOES NOT make it easier to get truthful information. Now the secrecy, lies and criminal intent are being USED to CHEAT and ROB innocent, voiceless children out of a CHILDHOOD together. Regardless of whether you are straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, in a relationship where there is LOVE, there is NO ROOM for lies, cheating and fraud – trust and truth are cornerstones of LOVE regardless of how one TWISTS it whether with a partner or with a child. This was true for thousands of years, it is true today and will remain true forever. To claim or suggest that a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND a surviving IVF father of victim IVF children participated in the crimes is most OFFENSIVE and IGNORANT. A victim of abuse and violence DID NOT speak up because they were SILENCED under THREATS and NOT because they did not want to. If intersex is a minority then FACTUALLY, spouse caregiver of intersex are even a SMALLER minority of that. Who is helping them deal with EFFECTS of intersex and the lack of laws for it? To suggest they are criminals shows the lack of understanding of intersex families and the reason for UNEQUAL rights of intersex, IVF children and families, and family caregivers.

Criminal Intent

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court

Mr. Rajat Gupta is a very reputable individual with a great story combining BOTH Indian dream and American IVF-Spouse Rights Updateddream. He has also been recognized as a great contributor to the overall good of the community, a philanthropist and uplifting many careers and providing several jobs and allowing families to prosper. But he did LIE. And the LAWS prevailed. The VICTIMS of his LIES received some monetary benefit from the heavy fines imposed upon him. Thats RULE of LAW.

To say this case is about intersex or infertility or immigration or invisibility would be UNTRUTHFUL. These are the “issues” of the case but someone knowingly and deliberately LIED. Criminals LIE. People who LIE make others LIE under secrecy and threats. CRIMINALS use threats and make others ALSO LIE.

1) Till 2013 in the US, gay immigration was illegal. So if someone LIED before then and immigrated to the US, is that valid? Thousands of gays have WAITED to marry legally and help their binational spouses for immigration and NOT committed FRAUD. Some even waited over 40 years instead of victimizing innocent, unsuspecting people because their LOVE was built on TRUTH.

2) Immigration of IVF children born outside the US is strictly on the basis of “biological link” as per prevailing laws, so if an IVF child is in the US with “no biological link” with anyone, were any LAWS broken?

3) It is required to declare an ongoing pregnancy when filing divorce in US so that the court can decide the best interest of the children. What if an ongoing IVF pregnancy in India is NOT declared in a US court divorce filing, how will the “best interest of the child” be protected? Does the US condone such behavior where an adult in the US can place an “order” in foreign countries like India for an IVF child and later change their mind and abandon the IVF pregnancy? What are the rights of the abandoned IVF child? What are the rights of the left-behind IVF parent? How do they move forward?

4) By having false medical records, we cannot even begin to get solutions to REAL problems. First one has to overcome the burden of false, authoritative, legal medical records and if they SURVIVE, they can state the FACTS so that we can work on a SOLUTION for the issues. False medical records is both disrespectful to the patient and the caregiver wanting to live a life of truth and dignity. Especially WORSE if there was ABUSE of innocent, voiceless infants because there was SILENCE under threats. When health professionals make false medical claims, it has reverberating effects on innocents including not getting justice they deserve.

5) Divorces happen, its nothing new. What is the future of LGBTI divorces and more specifically children of LGBTI in a divorce? When there is criminal intent, should an IVF child be separated from his primary care provider? Should the child have ANY rights to grow up with his sibling and family and have an active participation in his life? Has the child abandoned his sister he wanted and requested to be alienated from his biological family? Do the RIGHTS of an innocent, voiceless CHILD trump an adult who happens to LIE with criminal intent? What’s the JUSTICE in ROBBING FROM a CHILD? Even International Adoption laws allow for a subsidiarity principle in the best interest of the child to UNITE siblings to grow up together. Do lack of international laws for IVF/surrogacy children mean VICTIMIZING them? It is the principle and we all know the “right” thing to do which is to NOT PUNISH innocent IVF siblings by forcing them to grow up separately for CRIMES they did not commit. And submit ourselves to working for standard, consistent international legal framework for international IVF/surrogacy so that a HEINOUS act like this IVF holocaust does NOT occur again.

Intersex Family Rights

Does a “F.A.M.I.L.Y” when two genetic males are parents have same rights? Are their equal rights for gay families? Intersex families are different than gay families BUT from a legal perspective they are treated the same including immigration and marriage rights and thus rights of innocent children and siblings.

If intersex family rights existed, two innocent, voiceless IVF children -brother and sister would be growing up together.FAMILY

If intersex family rights existed, a victimized IVF father would NOT have to face the IVF Holocaust (a thorough destruction) of picking between two children.

If intersex family rights existed, all daughters and sons would be EQUAL and not made STATELESS.

If intersex family rights existed, a traumatized IVF father would not have to choose between ADOPTION, ABANDON or raise his IVF daughter in EXILE. What would you do?

If intersex family rights existed, an IVF son would still be continuing to enjoy his life with his IVF father and vice versa.

If intersex family rights existed, an IVF brother could have his dreams come true of wanting a sibling. An IVF brother could enjoy “tea-time” with his loving IVF sister, play hide and seek and enjoy voices of laughter crackling together, teach alphabets and numbers to each other, jive to the favorite music and songs, dance like its 2113 (maybe equal IVF child rights by then?) but above all learn to hug and kiss and have a sibling bond that ONLY siblings can share.

If intersex family rights existed, there would be NO need for a spouse caregiver of intersex to ask for his rights or his children’s rights. Only through education and spreading awareness can we get rights. If intersex family rights existed, domestic violence and abuse against spouse caregiver and children would be accounted for.

If intersex family rights existed, medical professionals would have NO need to create fraud medical records, a crime.

If intersex family rights existed, what about the torture perpetrated on an intersex family before 2013, the year when UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP on coerced intersex surgeries.

If intersex family rights existed, there would be NO forced silence and there would be NO FORCE to LIE and live in SECRET.

When an individual tries to give human rights to someone where laws itself falls short, what is the outcome? Should other humans including innocent, voiceless children also be punished?

Sometimes in life when we start our journey there are things we experience which we never envision. For the sake of children, it is important to speak up now and secure EQUAL rights for IVF children and families, EQUAL rights for intersex. The difference between the journey in SILENCE Vs TRUTH is the goals and objectives are well established.

What If…There were Eunuch Rights

What If we lived in a time when there were Eunuch rights. Eunuch or Hijras in India and Asia are known as Equal Human Rights - FatherIntersex in western cultures. Galileo knew he was RIGHT when he said that Earth is NOT the center and that we revolve around the sun. No one believed him and instead used traditional beliefs to defame, torture and undermine the TRUTH. It was NOT the TRUTH itself but the RESISTANCE TO CHANGE which Galileo was a VICTIM of. If the TRUTH were NOT accepted even today, we would still ALL believe that Earth is the CENTER.

We know CHANGE will come, people will begin to understand the issues of Eunuch rights, what Eunuch families go through, what Eunuch surgeries do during a marriage, the effects of Eunuch marriage like dealing with infertility, the effects of on innocent children and immigration. Will the CHANGE come before the innocent childhood of the siblings EXPIRES?

Dr. Subhash Mukherjee, a doctor who gave India’s FIRST IVF child, just 67 days AFTER the first IVF child in the world, committed suicide due to defamation, lies, and humiliation instead of recognition and admiration for his innovative work. What will be the fate of India’s FIRST IVF Eunuch family? Secrecy and lies or truth with compassion? Is it WRONG to give human rights as an individual where laws itself fall short?

We hope in the future there are equal rights for Eunuchs, there are equal rights for IVF children and families but LIES will still remain LIES. Fraud documents will still remain FRAUD documents. Brothers will still love their sisters, sisters will still love their brothers, sons will still love their fathers, and fathers will still love their sons. Such is the beauty of truth, it prevails through everything, even the worst of LIES. 

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, two innocent IVF siblings in 2013 would NOT be growing up separately.

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, an innocent, voiceless IVF son would have a father around while growing up.

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, innocent children and spouse of an Eunuch family would ALSO have rights instead of being INVISIBLE.

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, there would be discussion about the EFFECTS of an intersex surgery during a marriage instead of false records of the surgery. Why LIE when you are right and if NO laws have been broken?

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, Eunuchs and families would have no need to LIE and live in SECRET and be comfortable about their infertility instead of claiming “false biological link” with innocent children.

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, Eunuchs and families would have no need to LIE and fraud innocent, unsuspecting victims to enter into an ILLEGAL marriage.

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, Eunuchs can immigrate legally to the US instead using an illegal marriage.

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, there would be a better understanding of the torturous intersex surgery as for the first time in 2013 the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP to such coerced surgeries.

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, there would be a better understanding of the EFFECTS of a torturous intersex surgery during a marriage and the abuse of caregiver spouse and innocent children.

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, there would be a better understanding of the EFFECTS of the severe trauma on a dysfunctional intersex family.

What If Eunuch or intersex rights existed in 2013, there would be a better understanding of EFFECTS of NO milk when trying to breastfeed by genetic males. Do MOTHERS ask the FATHERS of their children to breastfeed when the infant comes from the hospital?

Don’t Try Human Rights At Home

From the famous American lexicon, “Don’t try this at home, kids”, I have learnt my own American story, “Don’tEqual Human Rights - Father try to give human rights at home“. As a human being, regardless of our race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, religion, nationality, caste, creed, and other etc etc, we are FIRST a human being. It is natural to feel compassion for a fellow human being and sometimes as individuals are faced with deep moral, ethical, and legal question about “human rights”. In cases where the laws itself fall short in “human rights”, do not try to do so on your own within the confines of your home. It may boomerang and falsely project you as a devil for personal gains of others. For example, if you believe gay marriage should be legal but its not yet, then the right answer is to fight and wait for equal laws. Do not BREAK the law and marry and present a fraud marriage certificate and claiming it as a legal marriage. In the long term, it will NOT help you. Also other gays wanting to marry and who are honest will not get their rights. Worse, your children may be placed in LEGAL LIMBO and punished inadvertently for crimes they did not commit.

Two Sides Of The Same Coin

A person who tries to show by action “human rights” at home where laws itself falls short is also a person who is an activist by nature. Its in their DNA. They are two sides of the same coin. The point is you cannot REMOVE the activist from a person who strongly believes in human rights.

Be the Change You Want to See in the World” – Mahatma Gandhi

The right answer is to petition the government in a democratic forum and ask for change in laws, not break the laws. The right answer is to be allowed an opportunity to say the truth to your kids as age appropriate. The right answer is to say the truth with compassion and show independence with love. That way every participant’s human rights and respect for basic human dignity and respect are maintained. If they can fight for other people’s human rights in their own way in the confines of their home in secrecy, they can ALSO fight for their own human rights. And the fight only gets stronger when innocent, voiceless children are involved. And the fight get even stronger when the innocent, voiceless children are your own.

Degree Of Abuse

While morality and ethics cannot be enforced, can prevailing laws be enforced? And if degree of abuse is a scale to be used in imparting justice and relief for the victims, it is important to consider all the facts of the case.

1) We have every sympathy for an intersex person and our action speaks louder than words. It is a miracle to be still alive after being left for dead. Before you speak up, please show your credentials and experience in dealing as a young, male, spouse caregiver AND and international IVF father to show authority in your message. Just like being gay is a personal but having EQUAL gay rights is a public policy issue. Similarly, being married to an intersex person and NOT reporting the fraud is personal but having EQUAL rights for spouse of intersex and international IVF father is a public policy issue. Incidentally, a spouse of gay is also gay so both are affected equally by gay rights or lack thereof. What about rights of a spouse of intersex? Being in love with someone is personal but being “legally married” to someone is a public policy issue.

2) Being intersex is by birth meaning it is NOT in their control but being honest or lie about it in a sacred relationship like marriage is in their control. To lie, cheat, and fraud unsuspecting spouses is completely in their control. Regardless of a straight or gay or intersex or lesbian relationship, any relationship built on a foundation of lies is bound to fail not because you are intersex or gay or straight but because it was lying to the person you claimed to love. Is this love? Is this love? Is this love that I am feeling? Or is it abuse? An unsuspecting young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex was placed in the situation because of another human beings actions Vs. an intersex person’s condition is natural. Which is a degree of greater abuse?

3) Education and awareness is spreading about intersex. Secrecy, lies and stigma are bigger culprits. There are more and more advocacy groups and support groups who are petitioning for equal laws. The point is an intersex person has an “outlet” to voice their concerns and issues. Where are the support groups and advocacy groups for a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND international IVF father to lend a “voice” for their issues and concerns and the inadequacy of the prevailing laws?

The specific list of abuses can be provided upon request both against the spouse and the children. We support equal rights for intersex but this is NO way to do it involving gross abuse of others rights especially innocent, voiceless children. Other intersex people who are being honest and living truthfully are leading the way for EQUAL intersex rights.

The Three I’s – Intersex, IVF, Immigration

If you had to narrow down the case into three things – the three “I”s, they are Intersex, IVF (infertility), Immigration. Historically IVFRightsand still true as we speak, all three areas are dealt with secrecy and lying including instances where laws are broken claiming “greater good” or humanitarian reasons. This case is a few decades or maybe a few centuries ahead of us. For example, women suffrage came at the beginning of 20th century but ask around and you will get the real pulse whether “equal rights” for women exist or not anywhere in the world now? The point is it takes decades if not centuries when it comes to issues of social justice. The BIGGER point is these kind of issues span generations and so an individual can spend an entire lifetime and still have NOTHING to show for it. But does that mean the HUMAN SPIRIT should be bottled up or let freedom ring? There is a TRIPLE WHAMMY in this case and all with issues of secrecy, lying, fraud, abuse, threats, crimes in the name of “greater good”. There is a fourth “I” and the fourth whammy, albeit the most important one and the sole reason for speaking up.

The Fourth “I”

The fourth “I” is INVISIBLE. Because of secrecy and lies, the laws are lacking in each case and the individuals affected by these scenarios are largely “invisible” in the eyes of the law. So how do we get JUSTICE and RELIEF for the VICTIMS when they are “invisible” in the eyes of law? Placing individuals and that too innocent children in a situation of LEGAL LIMBO is far worse than the condition itself. This case forces one to discuss ALL the “I”s simultaneously let alone any one single issue. “Uphill task” seems like a small word rather climbing Mt. Everest in January seems more appropriate – Death is inevitable. But the HUMAN SPIRIT is such it wants to persevere for TRUTH. It wants to at least TRY for the sake of innocent IVF children – the most vulnerable of vulnerable. Let DEATH come whether literally or through oppression, silence, false penalties, etc. – TRUTH cannot be stopped. The TRUTH MUST come out. Since this is a generational long fight, only the TRUTH will survive and eventually will offer a SOLUTION (equal laws).

End Secrecy with Truth and Respect

If you were to take any one issue at a time – be it intersex or IVF or Immigration, its a controversial topic by itself. Add to that the complexity of secrecy and lying and as a result one spends MORE TIME in defending the LIES rather than working towards a solution. As the saying goes, one lie leads to a thousand lies. If a person has committed Immigration fraud, they are NOT going to volunteer that information. If a person is intersex, they are NOT going to volunteer that information although more people are being honest realizing its the right way to go. By staying silent, their rights are being violated. If you are IVF, you do not even know what it means until you are 14-18. Too LATE to ask for ANY rights by then. That is assuming your parent or your guardian is HONEST with you. It is possible to start a whole new cycle of secrecy and lies again- the WORST thing to do to an innocent child. Regardless of what the solutions are for intersex, IVF, Immigration, by discussing the issues faced, we can end the secrecy with truth and respect.

Whether you are liberal or conservative,
Whether you are pro-life or pro-choice,
Whether you are pro-immigration or anti-immigration,
Whether you are pro-IVF or anti-IVF,
Whether you are pro-adoption or anti-adoption,
Whether you agree in same-sex marriage equality or opposed to it,

the FUNDAMENTAL issue is TRUTH. When you are presented with decisions in life from your conscience,

Will you choose TRUTH or SECRECY and LIES?
Will you SACRIFICE innocent children or UPHOLD their rights?
Will you fight to get RELIEF for VICTIMS or VICTIMIZE innocent, unsuspecting people?
Will you BREAK the LAWS or RESPECT the LAWS?
And where LAWS fall short, will you fight to get NEW LAWS or BREAK the LAWS and silence any voice against the TRUTH?

Where is the “greater good” in deliberately placing innocent children in LEGAL LIMBO? That directly results in taking AWAY their LEGAL rights.