Tag Archives: international

Is the term, “mother language” dated?

Most children grow up in traditional families – but then again what is a traditional family? Who decides and who defines? There are single parents, there mother language internationalare adoptive parents, there are blended marriages, list goes on. February 21 is designated as the International Mother Language Day by the UN. Recently a bill was introduced in the US Congress to recognize the same. What does exactly “mother language” refer to? Is it the “language” the primary caregiver of an infant speaks and so that it is the first language the child picks up?  When two males raise a child together, what is the “mother language”? OR when a single father raises a child, what is the “mother language”? How will the child feel who is raised by two males or a single father as to what is his “mother language” with NO mother around?

It’s 2014 and it is disconcerting to see that an organization like UN which on one hand promotes gay rights meaning gays can be loving parents BUT also promotes “mother” language day which is a contradiction. In 2014, it is disconcerting to see language like “mother language” being used in legal bills because it can have unintended consequences like the lack of laws for IVF children and families based on biology and gender.

No one is against the multiculturalism and the intent the International “mother language” is trying to promote. But it is the words which are being used in 2014 is discriminating rights of others. Laws have far reaching consequences and the language used has to be practical and equal. Should we call it “primary caregiver language” day or “father language day” or “blended family language day” or ….? We may not know the right answer right away but if we put our minds into it, we can certainly come up with wordings which are INCLUSIVE and not derogatory. Maybe “Language Day” or “Parent Language Day” or “Primary Language Day”. Let us get back to the business of celebrating the multiculturalism and the rich, different languages without offending anyone and being more practical with the changing world around us.

Need To Separate Fact from Fiction, Need to Separate Wishful Thinking from Facts

  • A 1 year, 364 days old infant does not need a ticket on the plane but a 2 year old does. It’s the law.
  • truth-shakeThe minimum age is 7 days old for any infant to travel on a plane, an important criterion for an IVF child born to international parents wanting to go back home. Emotions don’t count but laws do.
  • Any infant under 6 months travelling on a plane needs 1 adult with them – particularly important if twins are born to a parent who is travelling alone. More relevant for an international IVF parent who is trying to go home with IVF twins or triplets – higher frequency than natural births. Emotions don’t count, it’s the law.
  • Immigration law requires a biological link between parent and child – emotions don’t count, it’s the law.
  • Immigrant fathers cannot bring their IVF child to US-  emotions don’t count, it’s the law.
  • Alienated parents love their child equally, more importantly, the child loves the parent equally but the best interest of the child does not count.
  • Baby scoop era was detrimental and served no real purpose, existence of single mothers and truth and reconciliation commissions have proved it.
  • The plight of Scottsboro boys is wrong, their pardons prove it. The case spawned new laws for due process and inclusion of African Americans on jury prove their innocence. When will due process and immigrant, IVF jury be allowed for immigrant IVF parents?
  • When I see an abandoned IVF daughter, I see the criminal who did this.
  • When I see an abandoned IVF daughter in legal limbo, I see the criminal who did this.
  • When I see an IVF daughter try to move forward in life but has no legal identity, I see the criminal who did this.
  • When I see an IVF child in legal limbo, I see the criminal who abused before.
  • When I see an IVF infant being starved for food, I see the criminal lying and abusing the child.
  • If breastfeeding by males is so common, why don’t mothers ask the fathers of their newborns to breastfeed?
  • Regardless whether it’s a male or female trying to breastfeed an infant, when there is no milk, is it abuse if you make the infant cry endlessly out of hunger? What else is food for an infant other than milk?
  • Having been diagnosed with interex/DSD condition is very traumatic, being forced to live a life of secrecy and lies, breaking laws, why repeat that on innocent IVF children who are no less dealt with their own secrecy, stigma, lies, breaking laws to deal with?
  • While every human deserves a child, while every parent wishes to breastfeed their child, we still have to deal with science.

There is truth in acceptance and abuse in lies on oneself and others whom you claim to love the most.

Progressive Vs. Stereotype

There is nothing status quo about this case, so why start “status quo” now? In an international case of immigrant, IVF children and dysfunctional intersex family, what side would you be on? Not just today, but in the next 5-10-Move-Forward-IVF50-100 years when there will be equal laws for both intersex and IVF children  and families. One can use anti-gay laws, anti-IVF laws, anti-immigration laws in 2009 to deny the rights of an IVF child, but they cannot continue the discrimination forever. In 2013, gay rights and intersex rights have made great strides, we hope to soon see IVF rights and immigration rights that does NOT split families. Then will someone be able to abandon an immigrant IVF child to steal another IVF child? The lack of laws for IVF children and families is like placing a “staircase” in front of a wheelchair bound person. We need a ramp – laws for IVF children and families to stop this ongoing discrimination.

This case is anything but stereotypical. It is about being progressive. It is a proud moment to be a young, spouse caregiver because it shows the love and a homage to the parents who raised their child right. It is a proud moment to be a IVF parent because it shows the love of a parent irrespective of biology, gender or sexual orientation and should not be forced to lie and live in secret about IVF. We need to continue to move forward and NOT be held back with stereotypes, secrecy and lies for selfish and criminal benefit. Was it wrong to help a fellow human being who happens to be intersex, infertile, immigrant? In the process one gets exposed to the secrecy, lies and the inhumane treatment meted out on intersex families and their children who may be IVF. There is nothing stereotypical in dealing with complex issues like intersex, immigration, IVF, invisibility in 2000s. It is rather a proud moment to celebrate having survived and being alive to tell about it. Thanks to the love and support of the family. Thats a message we would like to teach our children and pay it forward and not a message of secrecy and lies.

Truth Vs Lies

Unite Vs Divide

Love Vs Vengeance

Caregiver Vs Patient

Patience Vs Selfish

Humanity Vs Crimes

Crime Against Human

We all have skeletons in our closet but are any of those skeletons of an infant or a child? If one has the guts, they should first defend and bestow the rights of an innocent child and then thump their chest about love for a child. Of course it would require them to be honest and follow the prevailing laws. It would require them to be honest with themselves and the children and then others including the court.

It is one thing for an officer of the court to lie, malign, conspire on behalf of their client but when the victim includes an innocent, voiceless infant, what is the SCORE? What is there to be happy about that you beat a voiceless infant and denied them their legal rights and dehumanizing them by making them “legally invisible“?

Is that child abuse? Is that a crime against the infant – a human being? Is that crime against a human?

It is very traumatic to undergo an intersex surgery AND without parents as caregivers AND having an infant to raise while stabilizing from the ongoing medical treatment. We can feel sympathy but it would be incorrect to DENY the abuse that occurred to an innocent IVF child while stabilizing and under medical treatment.

Never again will an IVF child be denied their rights. An IVF child will have rights to basic human dignity and respect if not equal. Hope is that by 2013 or 2020 or 2030 or 2040 or 2050, abandoning IVF children will be a crime and the abandoning parent will be held accountable and responsible. Anyone who aids and abets in this crime will also be held equally responsible for suppressing facts from the court who can decide the best interest of the child. Because that’s what it is about – best interest of the child and not about lying, selfish, criminal adult who breaks laws. If a parent of an intersex child seeks compassion and sympathy, why would it be an insult for an IVF parent to seek compassion and sympathy for his IVF children? If parents of an intersex child chose to lie and fraud (maybe even due to the advise of “experts” like health professionals), why should an IVF parent LIE and live in secrecy and repeat the same mistakes? More importantly, what good will the lying and fraud do? – more crimes?

The stereotype is a male is unemotional, uncaring, unloving, untrustworthy, unparentworthy, not affected by infertility roller coaster ride, but thats what it is – stereotypes and are not true. The question to ask is when 83% of males leave their spouse when the spouse is diagnosed with a traumatic condition, the question to ask is in an ever-changing stereotypical world, when a male is a primary care provider for their children, the question to ask is while statistically 1 in 6 couples are infertile, ALL gays, lesbians, intersex couples are dysfertile or infertile. If these stereotypes are true in this case, how can a MALE become a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND an immigrant IVF father and be WITHOUT emotions, love, care, and trust?

LGBT – Yeah in 2013, Next Frontier – Intersex

Its a great year in 2013 if you are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT). When will it be turn for Intersex –IVF-Spouse Rights Updated the “I” in LGBTI? When will it be turn for “I” as in IVF children and families? When will it be turn for spouse of Intersex? When will it be turn for not “I” but “F” for family caregivers? Is it all about the “individual” and NOT the family then why all the big ruckus over “EQUAL” rights for marriage?

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court

Only people with a sense of sincerity who will take time to understand the facts of the case will see the number of social injustices involved in just this one case. The worst is the innocent siblings are being punished for crimes they did not commit. Ironically, history is repeating itself. The strategy of secrecy and lies used with intersex children is now being repeated with IVF children. The lesson learnt is do NOT try to give human rights inside the four walls of your home. If Gandhiji would have gone on Satyagraha inside the four walls of his own home, would India have got its independence? Probably yes but not through Gandhian means.

Lying, cheating, and using fraud to break the laws is selfish. Instead saying the truth and fighting for your own rights and others like you is a better option. Change may not be INSTANT unlike when one lies, they get what they want even if it breaks the laws. But one can have the satisfaction of standing up for truth. They are more of a role model for their children because they stood up for truth. Just ask the gay and lesbian parents or Edie Windsor or Tony Briffa.

How does an intersex couple build a family in 2000s when you are immigrants in the US?

Understand facts so we can CHANGE the future:

1) One has to live in secrecy and lies which creates a multitude of other issues including fraud in a love marriage. Secrecy and lies are the biggest culprits and we need to provide an environment including equal laws so that intersex people can be truthful to their non-intersex spouses to have a meaningful relationship.

2) Intersex is the cause for infertility. Adoption is great but NOT an option for immigrants because of the laws.

3) IVF is around but as first-generation immigrants, it is NOT affordable. Insurance does NOT cover it. In 2013, there is political favor, there are bills in progress, there are insurance companies who will cover all or part of IVF treatments. This was unavailable in early 2000s.

4) In 2002, countries like India offer commercial surrogacy in an unregulated industry. If intersex is traumatic, wait till you meet infertility. More secrecy, more lies, more breaking the laws, more violations of human rights of others. If you violate someone’s human rights in a “closed loop system” where everyone lies, did you violate anyone’s human rights? We can all pontificate on morals, ethics, laws but the reality is in our hearts we all know the “right thing to do” and will justify the behavior as we see fit. The “behavior” is about the “INFERTILITY” of an ADULT. What about other adults in the IVF process? What about the IVF children and their RIGHTS?

5) Without MONEY, there is NO IVF – bitter but true. Without LOVE and COMPASSION of donors, surrogates (depending on each individual case), there is NO IVF. The latter can be overcome if you have MORE MONEY. Sad but true, are we in the business of treating HUMANS as property? As a proud IVF parent, the lack of laws and controls is more REPULSIVE because of the few bad apples.

As long as a marriage has been performed in the jurisdiction that recognizes it, then that marriage is valid under U.S. immigration laws” – announced US Secretary of State John Kerry in August 2013.

6) In 2013, what is the official legal stance of intersex in the US? Other countries like India, Nepal, several other Asian countries, Australia, New Zealand legally recognize the “third gender”. Does the US believe it is appropriate to recognize MORE than two genders? Or must everyone FIT into binary gender causing an environment of secrecy, lies, stigma and breaking of the laws?

7) Is intersex marriage LEGAL in the US and India in 2013? The question is NOT whether an intersex marriage in 1999 in India is valid or not and the resulting US Immigration? The question is do OTHER intersex people have the EQUAL rights to marry and have children? “Shoving under the carpet” attitude is why this case exists, the LIES have caught up. It may not be very “appropriate” or “valuable” to others but for us, it is about OUR TWO INNOCENT CHILDREN and that’s OUR WORLD. It is VERY APPROPRIATE and VALUABLE. And we are just tired of living in secrecy and lies. Are we humans too with human rights? If we do NOT get equal rights for intersex families AND equal rights for IVF children and families, we RISK more victims. And these are DUAL or TRIPLE victims – first a VICTIM of intersex OR INFERTILITY or BOTH.

8) US is a world leader and we expect nothing less than leadership and support to get to the next frontier. Intersex rights and rights for IVF children and families. After all, if these rights existed then two innocent, voiceless siblings would NOT be growing up separately for crimes they did not commit.

Any LOVE based on a foundation of LIES is NOT LOVE. As a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex, this is a lesson very well learnt. The hope is this is NOT REPEATED upon innocent, voiceless IVF siblings.

Discrimination exists in all forms, it was Rosa Parks who refused to move to back of the bus to gay couples asked to move to back of the bus in 2013 to lesbians getting thrown out of a cab on a highway. There are immigrant IVF fathers who are SEPARATED from their IVF children. When will IVF children and families get equal rights? There are spouse caregivers of intersex who are DENIED truth. When will family caregivers get equal rights? The hope is to rise above all kinds of discrimination and put children AHEAD.

Adoption Vs. IVF

Infertility is very traumatic. There are lot of solutions to deal with infertility. What happens AFTER you have found On-Infertile-grounda solution? What is the best interest of the CHILD? Is the trauma of the infertile person GREATER than the best interest of the child? How many VICTIMS need to be created and be abused and violated to satiate the need of one infertile person? There are plenty of articles and information on whether to ADOPT or go for IVF/Surrogacy? This article will NOT focus on the “pre-decision” making process but rather rights of the “IVF child” and why are there differences in law? The best interest of the child remains the same regardless of whether adoption or IVF/Surrogacy, then why are laws NOT reflective of that? They say a child only knows LOVE and the biological link does not matter YET the laws are based on “biological link”. And when issues arise, the only thing one has to fall back on is LAWS. So it is important to discuss ADOPTION Vs. IVF/Surrogacy from a LAW perspective.

The laws for adoption are made with best interest of the child in mind FIRST. The best interest of the adoptive parents is secondary. Is the same true in IVF/Surrogacy?

0a) Adopted children are natural born and the science behind the natural birth of an adopted child is same as other natural born children.

0b) IVF children are born well through IVF. Scientific studies claim that because of the way IVF children are born, the hormones, the fertility treatments, the frozen samples or embryos, psychological state of parents using IVF (it is a very stressful time), etc. places IVF children at a “third higher risk of cancer” or “65% more likely to have leukemia” or “90% more likely to have brain cancer”.

1a) Adoption is well understood and regulated – both domestically and internationally thus providing a consistent, standardized way of dealing with adoption.

1b) IVF/Surrogacy Laws barely exist – from banned in some countries to allowance in others and there is NO international law for IVF/Surrogacy children creating situations where innocent, voiceless children are LEFT in a LEGAL LIMBO.

2a) If a 5 year old is adopted and taken away from his biological family, his biological family has a RIGHT to tell him the facts.

2b) If a 5 year old IVF son is taken away from his biological family, his biological family has NO rights to tell him the truth and are instead muzzled and silenced under threats.

3a) There is a use of subsidiarity principle in adoption where SIBLINGS are allowed to grow up together even though the parents may be non-biological.

3b) In an international IVF, IVF SIBLINGS maybe deliberately separated with NO legal consequences and there is NO regard for best interest of the children.

4a) In adoption, a homestudy by a licensed MSW or MA in Psychology is a MUST before a non-biological parent can adopt a child.

4b) In IVF/Surrogacy, anyone with MONEY can get a IVF/Surrogate child. There is NO requirement for equivalent of homestudy and somehow a “biological parent” already suffering from trauma of infertility is supposed to POSSESS the knowledge of a licensed MS or MA in Psychology. Even a pedophile can somehow take an IVF girl child legally.

5a) Adoptions typically take months to years and because of the heavy vetting process, a great deal is known about the future parent including any errant behavioral or psychological problems.

5b) In IVF/Surrogacy, MONEY talks. Once you have the money, get donors and surrogate lined up and place your order for a “baby” with NO vetting process. Heck, you could even place an “order for an IVF baby” and then later change your mind and ABANDON the IVF baby with NO legal consequences. What are the rights of the IVF child? What are the rights of the surrogate? What are the rights of the left-behind parent?

6a) Adoptions are highly and tightly regulated. In an international adoption, proper legal documents and paperwork needs to be followed including birth certificate and the corresponding passport and visas.

6b) IVF/Surrogacy has NO regulations and fraud documents can be secured with relative ease. After all, IVF is marketed as a “good thing” for the infertile parent and NOT as a “good thing” for the child. The paying customer for IVF industry is the “parent” and NOT the IVF child. Does the IVF child have a RIGHT to proper legal documents and proper LEGAL STATUS or are they also VICTIMS to their infertile parent’s whims?

In our changing world, it would  be NO longer correct to say that infertility is an issue only for women. How would we resolve gays having children? Even in heterosexual couples, there are cases where men are more caring than women due to various reasons. Are we as a society ready to accept the CHANGE? Then again, IVF/Surrogacy is all about CHANGE and is a 21st century issue, isn’t it?