Tag Archives: infertile

Coming To America for Justice for IVF Children

Little over 25 years ago, like many immigrants at the time and millions more before us over the centuries came to America – the promised land of truth, liberty and justiceBornFreeJustice-IVF It was an exciting time, on the fun side, movies like “Coming to America” was released which captured the American spirit of hard work and respect for all. On a more serious note, in 2015, it is again a very exciting time to “Coming to America” as an international IVF/Surrogacy children and family to get justice we deserve. Freedom to roam free and opportunity to be united as intended as a family. It is important to go through the process of justice because only then it can be fully understood the torture, trauma, abuse, injustice, horror of what we went through and this should NEVER occur again. If there is a country, a system not afraid of the truth, then it is America who can give us the basic human dignity and respect as human beings. It is this faith and hope in America where everyone is equal is what gives us the strength and courage to say the truth.

In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. – “A threat to justice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” and “Justice delayed is justice denied“. Our prayers are to let truth prevail and do what’s in the best interest of the innocent children.

On the positive side, if anyone looks at our case honestly and hollistically, more has been done for human rights where laws and governments fall short. If an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent helps by respecting human rights of people where laws and government itself fall short, who protects their rights? Or is it a crime to show compassion? Why is it the burden of innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and parent to give rights to intersex, immigrant, infertile where laws itself fall short? Isn’t that what governments and laws do? We tried and ended up splitting our world apart, it is obvious it is NOT the job of individuals. Are innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and their parents human beings too equally deserving of basic human dignity and respect?

There is no doubt that intersex marriage, immigration, legal third gender, equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families will be legal someday (1,5,10,20,50 years?) which is what we have already been through in secrecy and lies but even then abandoning a child (natural born or IVF/Surrogacy born) will remain a crime. Because that’s the America I know and love. Once a child is born, regardless of their birth type, they are equal and should be deserving of justice. Ironically, good-minded people, government officials, system, etc. say things which are offensive and is a downright discrimination based on birth type but because of the “newness” don’t realize their inadvertent offensive words and/or actions. It simply shows there is a lot more work to do to educate and spread awareness and build tolerance for IVF/Surrogacy children and families. Is building families through IVF/Surrogacy a crime? Or is it so heinous that families should be forced to be split up? Or is that the laws have not caught up with technology?

America is a great land where once the social conscience is awakened, it takes action rather than persecuting the messenger. From slavery to women suffrage to civil rights to gay rights, we have great historical lessons of justice, is it time for equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families? We are coming to America for justice and freedom – something alienated and stolen from innocent IVF/Surrogacy siblings. This is a dream of an IVF parent to unite his innocent children but he is also an American and Americans don’t leave one of their own behind and nor do they ever stop fighting for truth and justice. Together we move ahead.

It’s a new dawn, 2015 is a new year. Is the world ready to embrace the ground realities and the lack of laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families? The only way forward is ahead and together. We need honesty and inclusiveness in solving complex international IVF/Surrogacy child rights and human rights issues; secrecy, lies, circumventing laws are not healthy nor are they in the best interest of the child.

Disarming a Threat – IVF, Immigration, Intersex Issues of 21st Century

Anytime someone threatens you, it needs to be addressed. Ignoring a threat will only lead to worsening circumstances. The response must be balanced, peaceful and Intersex-Genderbread-Person-IVFin our ever increasing litigious world, it must involve others whether authorities, agencies, credible individuals, etc. You need evidence of both the threat AND your response. The primary reason is to FIRST protect yourself. Just like in the instructions in a plane, if the oxygen masks were to be deployed, first place the mask on yourself and then help others including little children. Same principle applies when you face a threat.

We are NOT here to discuss intersex, IVF, infertility. We are here to discuss when there is lack of laws to deal with intersex, IVF, infertility, do these inequities affect both the intersex person and the spouse and innocent IVF children who have also inherited the inequities? And what is the right approach? Splitting innocent IVF siblings is not right in any book whether understood today or understood decades from now. The case is so far ahead that while most of the society doesn’t even recognize intersex but tries to hide, lie and be secretive (only causing more trauma and not leading to new laws).  Are threats the right way to approach the lack of laws situation or is it better to state the truth and ask for equal rights by peacefully petitioning the government? An equitable solution is needed while respecting all including innocent IVF children. Is a person who tries to help an intersex, infertile person also a victim of same lack of laws?

A threat can be someone pointing a gun or knife at you. The idea is to either disarm the gun or knife from them OR get away from the person. Then one has to make a report so that it does NOT occur again and appropriate steps are taken to address the issue.

If someone threatens you with words and verbiage. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken.

If someone threatens you with suicide. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken including medical help.

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. If a person is infertile and laws require a “genetic link” to bring a child born in India to the US, do not succumb to threats of suicide to help a person lie because it will only lead to disastrous consequences. You may also be held complicit to the lies and fraud for helping an infertile person to have a child where laws itself fall short. Is helping infertility (where laws fall short) the same or better or worse than abandoning a child? Lesson learnt is DO NOT help an infertile person to break laws. Shouldn’t the government instead be providing equal rights for infertile people so they don’t feel threatened and NOT to punish innocent victims like the spouse and children who are trying to help infertility? If a fertile person can SHARE a child with an infertile person, can an infertile person SHARE the same child with his siblings and family?

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. An intersex person is subjected to surgery which is now banned because it is so torturous. We are in agreement that the surgery should be banned, there is no proper medical evidence to force this surgery during a marriage under secrecy and lies. And if the “experts” feel they are right, then why did they have to lie on medical records, what are they trying to hide? If you are threatened to ALSO lie and live in secrecy, what are the effects on you? How do you go get professional help like psychological sessions if you are forced to lie to them? If the surgery is very traumatic for the patient, if the surgery is very traumatic for other family members like parents of the intersex child, what are the effects of the same surgery on a spouse and children when the surgery is performed during a marriage? But see you succumbed to the threats and therefore one can’t even get the help they need and neither can the innocent children.

It is a very SAD situation and something no parent wants to teach their children. A person who respects an intersex spouse where laws itself fall short, a person who SHARES a child with an infertile person where laws itself fall short, a person who wants to SAVE his innocent daughter from being abandoned is a compassionate person and respects diversity and thats what he would like to teach his children. Instead he has been taught that be SELFISH, LIE, FRAUD, CHEAT, BREAK LAWS because that’s the only way you get rewarded. Respecting diversity and respecting others is WRONG.

So as an intersex, immigrant, IVF father, who has managed to survive, the advise for children is to be SELFISH to survive in this world, sad but true. Let’s hope I am wrong because if I am right and had followed this advise, my innocent IVF children would not exist today including the compassion of the donors and surrogates.

While bringing a child into this world is a very emotional, bringing an international IVF/Surrogacy child into this world is full of land mines, lack of laws and only exasperated by the facts that in some cases, innocent IVF/Surrogacy children are left without justice. Making a mistake (lack of laws) is one thing but inaction is another and more importantly, denying rights to an innocent child makes things worse. Are abandoned IVF children humans too? And why is no action taken to protect and safeguard their rights?

The technology is new, the laws haven’t caught up with technology but is abandoning a child still a crime? If people resort to new and sophisticated ways of abandoning children, are the laws and authorities equipped to combat and protect the rights of the innocent children? Last I checked, child is still a child and deserves equal protection under the law. Making them into “casualties of the war on fertility” is not the answer. They are NOT the collateral damage, they are innocent and in any war, innocent children are always spared but perhaps the war on fertility is different? We need to have laws on both sides which are inclusive and give equal rights to both fertile and infertile people but innocent children should always come FIRST.

Here We Come 2015 – IVF rights or NOT!

The biggest news story to close out 2014 could be the thawing of ties between US and Cuba. No one knows what it will bring but it shows that as humans one can IVF-Crueltymove ahead. Rather than living with mutual distrust, it is better to have an open dialogue and provide the tools and mechanisms to achieve that. In one of the worst and most gruesome disasters of 2014 is the massacre of innocent children by terrorists in Pakistan. There is no justification for what occurred and may their souls rest in peace. Our hearts go out to the parents who may have never envisioned this when they dropped off their child at school in the morning. And we can imagine the sigh of relief for parents whose children are alive today because their alarm didn’t go off, reminds us of stories we heard after 9/11 on how some people were “lucky” to either be late to work or didn’t go to work that day. I have a friend who didn’t go to work on the fateful 9/11 day and is alive. Now when it seemed impossible to make sense of it all, the silver lining was the announcement of thawing of ties between US and Cuba. It gives HOPE. It gives a silver lining to our otherwise 24 hour news cycle of murder, mayhem, crimes, violence, etc. It’s about moving forward and doing the right thing. In 2014, from the double whammy mystery of Malaysian airlines to Boko Haram kidnapping of innocent girls, we must stand UNITED in accepting truth and helping the innocent, especially children like IVF siblings who have been split or an abandoned IVF child getting justice.

Its the fervor of hope that keeps one asking for equal rights for IVF children and families. We support infertility issues but does it have to come at the cost of splitting innocent IVF siblings and denying their rights? Can’t we find better ways which are inclusive? An IVF father by definition has taken some action to help the cause of infertility, what have the lack of laws and outdated laws done to help infertility? Why are IVF families subjected to lies to circumvent the laws? Why are IVF families subjected to ridicule? Why are IVF families not allowed to be truthful? Is building a family through IVF a crime? Take a long hard look at our innocent IVF children and see the love before making up your mind.

Just like there is “ethical hacking”, just like there are checks and balances to use nuclear technology for good or bad, where are the checks and balances for best interest of international IVF/Surrogacy children and families? If IVF can be used for good or bad, where are the “ethical” protections for international IVF/surrogacy children and families?

It used to be “socially acceptable” for Indians and dogs to be kept out of establishments in their own country, or African-Americans were subjected to sitting in the back of the bus, or apartheid was OK, or women or African-Americans could not vote(meaning no representation of their concerns in a democracy), or gays did not have rights, or women could not both work and be a loving parent, is it “socially acceptable” for an IVF father to be allowed to enjoy and love his IVF children “born out of wedlock”?  Is it time to have “representation” in a democracy to address the needs of IVF families? Or are we supposed to stay “underground” and wallow away in the misery of silence and apathy? Socially, we refer to parents as “mother” and “father” while the laws view the same people as “primary care provider” or not. Same laws in case of IVF children also sees the surrogate who gave birth as the “mother” or the egg donor with the genetic link as the “mother” or in some cases, legally there is “no mother” despite a physical presence of the birth mother. Same laws recognize the IVF children as “born out of wedlock”. In all cases, the IVF father is the same person – both socially and legally. Then why separate him and his IVF children deemed as “born out of wedlock”? Is wanting to help infertility a crime? Why offend them using offensive language even if its in the archaic laws? Is it time to be more sensitive to the needs of an international IVF family and give them the basic human dignity and respect they deserve or do they have to suffer more “legalized name calling” and the inherent abuse and separation? Throughout history of humankind, “social acceptance” comes FIRST and laws come later. Are international IVF families socially acceptable?

Should we be saying “PCP 1” and “PCP 2” on birth certificates instead of “father” and “mother” because that’s how the laws see it? As insane and absurd as it sounds, the fact is the archaic laws are creating these situations. The need is to either “update the laws” OR provide relief and justice for innocent IVF siblings, the state of legal limbo and apathy is incongruent and goes against the every being of “humanity” – an irony since “IVF/surrogacy children” are born into this world due to compassion of others in the humanity and are not supposed to be “symbols” of cruelty of humanity and archaic laws.

Recently, a loving husband and a father-to-be was rushing home because his wife and mother-to-be was in labor. They already had an emergency earlier in the week. He may have violated some traffic laws and was asked to pull over by the police but his IMMEDIATE need was to get home to his pregnant wife. The officer did follow “policy” and while the husband and father-to-be may have violated laws, doesn’t every woman wish for a husband and father like him? He was privy to information of the earlier emergency, their ongoing pregnancy and the need to be by his family’s side. Once the officer knew the facts, he called for an ambulance and helped the family out. Where is the HELP for an immigrant, IVF father who had to RUN to his lovely IVF/Surrogacy daughter in India and raise her in India due to her being abandoned and placed in legal limbo?

Past, Present, Future for Intersex, Immigrant, IVF Families

Living in the past is unhelpful but we all are a sum aggregate of our experiences which is including the past. Living for today is one thing we can be certain of and gandhi-father day-truthallows us an opportunity to make a difference. Living for tomorrow is helpful to set goals and is needed as we think about future generations, especially our children and grandchildren. Feeling threatened by laws (or lack thereof) is one thing but to take it out on innocent children is another. Respect all including innocent, voiceless children is the right way forward just like respecting innocent intersex children or innocent IVF children “born out of wedlock”. Let us not create a whole new generation of children under secrecy and lies because we have seen the effects of it as evidenced by SPLIT innocent IVF siblings. Lies and secrecy helps no one, perhaps honesty and compassion has a shot? We have a choice – to be in the PAST (continue to live in silence while creating more victims) or live for the FUTURE (to UNITE and petition the respective authorities for change and updation of laws). The choice we make TODAY is our PRESENT– depending on what action we take. We support efforts to help infertility but do they have to come at the cost of rights of others including innocent IVF siblings, can’t we find better ways?

This is the approach taken when dealing with intersex rights and IVF rights. Neither the past nor the present offer equal rights for intersex or IVF families. Maybe the future will? Will it happen automatically or will people have to speak up? If equal rights existed for intersex or IVF families, perhaps innocent children “born out of wedlock” of an intersex, immigrant, IVF family would not be split up as no one would feel threatened by the anti-intersex and anti-IVF laws.

It is one thing to say to a intersex, immigrant, IVF survivor to stop living in the past without taking the time to understand the crux of the issues which is lack of equal rights. And silence the survivor will not achieve goals; petitioning, education, awareness will. We tried the silence and compassion approach and has helped no one – especially the innocent siblings who have been willfully split up.

Am pretty sure even the intersex, immigrant, infertile person who masterminded this situation doesn’t feel comfortable knowing that others like them who are intersexed, immigrant, infertile legally still cannot achieve what they have. And we hope that everyone joins us in the fight to get equal rights for intersex and IVF rights. That is the right answer. Living in silence or under threats is certainly not the right answer as is evidenced by the split innocent siblings being punished for crimes they did not commit. The past, present, and future is how do we reconcile the situation for innocent children? And if we are unable to, what answers do we provide them? That breaking laws is right to get what you want and showing compassion where laws itself fall short is evil?

Protecting women from getting raped is about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility. Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach, the question to ask is what can each one of us do to stop this ghastly crime from occurring in the first place? Protecting against racism is also about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility as evidenced by recent protests across US. Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach, the question to ask is what have you done to stand up against racism? Protecting IVF child from an IVFphile is about changing mindsets and is a collective responsibility. IVF exists to help infertility but do innocent, voiceless children deserve rights too? Instead of using a “blame the victim” approach against the IVF parent and his IVF children “born out of wedlock”, the question to ask is what have you done to help infertility?

Heard a story about how one woman was being given the cat calls, harassed, eave teasing and so on. It had happened several times before. But that day, she decided to take action and enough is enough, she turned around and slapped the man.

Should she have done this the first time it happened to her? Did the same man also harass her previously or was it the first time by this specific person but she had been a victim of lewd approaches several times before by others? Now that she has slapped him, will this treacherous activity stop for the lady meaning will she not get teased, not get those looks? Sadly, no. She feels confident as a person to speak up, take a stand, and if no one else will, she did something rather than continuing to suffer in silence. Why did she decide to speak up now? Because enough is enough.

When an immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children “born out of wedlock” are split after years of silent suffering and abuse, its the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Is it the first time an IVF family has been discriminated? Now that an IVF parent has decided to speak up, does it mean equal IVF rights for both fertile and infertile people will become a reality? Does it mean the innocent, voiceless siblings will be UNITED? When is/How much “enough” is enough?

Why We Need IVF Crisis Centers and What Is Their Impact?

IVF-Crisis-CenterWould the same children have got justice if a husband had abandoned them? Would the cry of a helpless intersex, immigrant, IVF father for his children be heard if crisis centers existed?  There is nothing stereotypical about an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent. What is worse is their children cannot get justice? Is that right? If there are rape crisis centers, why are there no IVF crisis centers? Rape is a terrible crime and for decades if not centuries has been either shoved under the carpet and worse no justice for the survivors who instead are re-victimized using a “blame the victim” approach. We can take some learning lessons on how we have dealt with this? Rape can also include sexual, emotional, financial and social rape. If IVF crisis centers existed, would innocent IVF children  and families get justice they deserve? What is the impact of crisis centers?

  1. Legally, an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent cannot exist without violating some laws. This means when you approach a court for relief, you will first be intimidated, threatened with dire consequences because laws have been violated and are complicit to the crimes, the result is the parent is denied justice and implicitly are the innocent children. Slavery was legal but still wrong, “Jim Crow” laws were legal but Rosa Parks was right for taking a stand against the prevailing laws. What should an intersex, immigrant, IVF father do because cheating, lying, abuse, abandoning an innocent child will always remain a crime regardless of decade or century.
  2. In any war, the innocent and children are spared. Then why aren’t innocent children spared in the war on fertility? With complex international case of IVF severely lacking laws, what if someone with full knowledge of laws (or lack thereof) misuses them for personal benefit while denying rights to innocent children. Who protects them? A crisis center can help separate facts from fiction and help innocent.
  3. If a person is raped, a heinous act, they cannot change that but crisis centers can provide moral, emotional, legal, financial support. They get to meet other survivors of rape. They also get an opportunity to seek justice through proper channels with access to proper tools. Courts, police, evidence, justice system, etc. They also have a support group including medical professionals, lawyers, police, other survivors who encourage them to share the truth and not doubt OR ask them to be hushed and forget the heinous crime ( as was 100 years ago).
  4. Now imagine a repeat of this for an IVF parent. Worse, imagine not getting justice for innocent IVF children? Without a crisis center, all the tools are absent and inaccessible and justice is denied and a survivor is victimized again using a “blame the victim” approach. Is helping an infertile person a crime and will it be so forever?
  5. If a rape survivor is not given proper support, that does not mean the rape did not occur and they still want justice. Without proper tools, they will try to collect evidence, testimony, etc on their own just so that they can file a legal case. A rapist is neither a good person nor void of other crimes meaning when a rape survivor tries to collect evidence on their own, they may be exposed to other bad elements of society including more crimes and possibly risking their life and worse exposing them to be raped again. But the thirst for justice is so high that these risks seem miniscule.
  6. Now imagine an IVF parent trying to seek justice for his IVF children. They are also exposed to criminals who are white collar criminals and more dangerous because they use education as the weapon of choice to lie. How is that justice for abandoned IVF child and an alienated IVF child?
  7. People want to believe we live in an “equal” world. The reality is we would like to live in an “equal” world but are working towards it. This is a fact and acceptance of the problem is the first step towards a solution. If world was equal, intersex marriages would be legal. If world was equal, parents could immigrate with children without a genetic link (highly relevant legal criteria in international IVF). If world was equal, breastfeeding an infant would require one to have milk and not whether you are male or female, mother or father. In IVF or adoption cases, it is not uncommon for the intended parent to breastfeed even though the birth mother is a different individual.
  8. The idea is simple – truth can only help, denying it can only create more victims. And justice often is synchronous with truth as it seeks facts. When truth is denied, justice is denied and the future is not helped because no change occurs as we are still in denial.
  9. As the recent medical report about Adam Lanza revealed that it was the “appeasement approach” including the mother and the so called “experts” which led to his demise and other innocent. The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun“, it can also be false records with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims. When the “experts”/ “system” teaches a person to lie whether through appeasement or directly, it can have disastrous consequences creating innocent victims including children just like for intersex, immigrant, IVF families.
  10. Change is constant and its often encountered with opposition at first leading to secrecy, lies, false allegations, persecution, etc. As it stands today, an intersex, immigrant, IVF person cannot take an IVF child born in India to the US if all laws are followed, does that mean one should lie, cheat, fraud and deny rights of others including innocent children? The right answer is accepting facts, changing laws and moving forward. Denial is not a solution.

In the War on Fertility, its the result that should count – the IVF child

Happy Children’s Day where two lovely IVF siblings were born through compassion of others but are willfully separated and have NEVER met. Let us hope this children’s day the rights of a child are placed FIRST and they are protected from misintended adults who want to abuse and deny them their rights for the selfish benefit of an adult. A child is a child but the laws are different for “natural born” Vs. “IVF” child and we are forced to talk about it separately. In an ideal world, all children are equal, when will this be true for an IVF child?

Lets dedicate an IVF children’s day to people like Dr. Subhash Mukherjee, India’s first doctor to successfully deliver an IVF child and the world’s second doctor (missing it by 67 days) to achieve the same. Both him and the Nobel Laureatte, World’s first doctor, Dr. Robert Edwards to deliver an IVF child are both about GIVING a child and NOT TAKING a child. Let us place child’s rights ahead of everyone else including misintentioned adults who commit crimes. Taking candy from a baby is easy but what have you proven? Denying the rights of an IVF child is easy but have you made it better or worse for others to follow?Equal Rights for IVF Children

What if you are attempting to build a family through IVF, is it a crime?

What if you have multiple IVF failed attempts, will you keep trying to have an IVF child?

What if after all those attempts, financial, emotional ups and downs, you have a lovely IVF child, will you abandon them?

Welcome to the world of IVF. Roughly, a little over 1% of all births are through IVF as per CDC. There are no known statistics on how many IVF births are abroad for a US parent. The point is its a minority and therefore very few people know about it. With changing lifestyles, people attempting IVF is only going to increase. Are the laws equipped to handle the IVF scenarios? More importantly, are innocent, voiceless IVF children protected under the laws from some misintended adults? Some clarifications on IVF :

1) As per US laws, all children born abroad are subjected to US Immigration laws.

2) A “genetic link” is required between a child born abroad and the US parent. So how do infertile people who cannot have a genetic link bring a child born outside the US legally? Kinda reminds me of the French revolution when the king said, “If they can’t afford bread, let them have cake”. Should infertile Americans be forced to break laws and convert unsuspecting fertile individuals into criminals?

3) The lack of laws for IVF children affects everyone – straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, white, black, hispanic, asian, other races, male, female, married, single, anyone trying to have a child through IVF! The worst affected is the innocent IVF child.

Use Cases :

1) If you are in an infertile marriage, as a heterosexual couple if you are to have an IVF child, depending on the infertility situation, you may use your “genetic” material as the laws define, either your own sperm or your own egg. What if it gets SWAPPED? Both intended parents are US Citizens, one is infertile, and the other who gave their “genetic material” accidentally got swapped by the IVF clinic abroad. This is NO fault of the IVF child, the US parents. But the law says, one of the US parents MUST have a “genetic link” to the child. Really? Do the parents care? Does the child care? Isn’t it just about being able to love and hold a child and raise them with love and care? Isn’t that enough?

2) If you are single, biologically, you need your own “genetic material” as per laws to have a child. What if you are infertile and single, SOL as per laws.

3) If you are gay or lesbian or intersex couple, biologically, only one can contribute, and if there is a DNA mismatch or the”genetic parent” abandoning the IVF child then the “left-behind parent” is SOL as per laws. Even if a “non-genetic parent” wants to love and raise a child, the law will ask them to do it in exile outside the US because they lack a “genetic link” with the chid.

There are some more use cases. The most important use case is the legal status of the IVF child. Regardless of how we get there, the result is a “stateless” IVF child. Does the child have rights? Can they live freely and have a legal identity? Was the every intention of the intended parent to bring the child to the US and raise them with love and care as a proud American? Then why this torture based on archaic 20th century laws?

We can pontificate on ethics of IVF, we can pontificate on US Immigration laws, we can pontificate on LGBTI marriages, we can pontificate on straight marriages, we can pontificate on racial discrimination, but we CANNOT continue to pontificate while we continue to discriminate against innocent IVF children and families. We CANNOT pontificate while we continue to discriminate against innocent IVF children for actions of their parent(s) – that is casteist. We CANNOT pontificate while innocent, voiceless IVF children are languishing in legal limbo with no justice. We CAN pontificate on rights of a child (any child including IVF) once the innocent child’s welfare and rights have been restored. To ignore the issues of an IVF child is to ignore the best in humanity – compassion of others to bring about the IVF child into this wonderful world.

Is it Better to Abandon IVF Child or Save IVF Child?

In the recent spate of events in the international IVF industry, there has been a hue and cry about the plight of innocent IVF children who are abandoned. There is the save-ivf-child“baby Gammy” case in Thailand and now the “baby twin” case in India. Previously, there was the “baby X” case in India of Canadian couple with a DNA mismatch and the German case in India with stateless IVF children and the “baby Manji” case in India of a Japanese father with an IVF child born during a divorce. Regardless of laws or no laws, there is a natural law of justice especially when it comes to innocent and voiceless people and furthermore when the innocent and voiceless happen to be children, it is incumbent upon each one of us as a human being to ensure their rights. What are the rights of an IVF child? What is the legal identity of an IVF child? Whether the child is abandoned OR it is a case of DNA mismatch or a case of lack of laws for IVF fathers which are barbarically imposed on the innocent IVF child. Yes it is barbaric from the perspective of the innocent IVF child and the IVF father. Is it a crime to want to have a child through IVF AND help a fellow human being who is infertile? There are IVF fathers who are gay or single, what happens when an IVF father is helping out an infertile spouse with joint consent but the non-genetic spouse decides to abandon the IVF child?

Due to lack of laws and a heavy bias AGAINST IVF fathers and their IVF children, innocent IVF children when born during a divorce are rendered in legal limbo and stateless. What rights do they have? Are they human beings who deserve basic human dignity and respect or are they “commodities” to be horse-traded? There are several wrongs in this world starting with infertility but to pre-meditatively and deliberately abandon an IVF child and render them stateless, what kind of an act is that? What justice does the IVF child deserve? What are the rights of the abandoned IVF child? If we as a humanity can have international laws for child adoption and child abduction, why can’t we have international laws for IVF/surrogacy children in their best interest? Or are we so ruthless as a humanity to bring innocent lives into this world with NO rights? Have we stooped so low as a humanity that 7 billion+ lives on this planet is short so let us procreate through IVF and render the innocent, voiceless in legal limbo and never let them ask for their rights? Everyone knows it is easy to steal candy from a baby – but what have you proven or achieved? Abandoning an IVF child born internationally (and therefore legal jurisdictions are lacking) is easy in 2000s but what are the rights of the child – a human being?

An IVF child is special because they are born with help of donors and/or surrogates and help of IVF doctors meaning more than two human beings are involved like in a natural birth. When someone abandons an IVF child, they are ALSO slapping the compassion of other human beings who are helping a fellow infertile or dysfertile human being.

As an IVF father living in the US, when the “secret” IVF pregnancy was abandoned and an innocent IVF child was born during a divorce in secrecy, there was a choice – to abandon the child ALSO like the other partner OR save the child come what may. As compassionate human beings, we react and “just do the right thing” without having time to explain to others because at that time the lowest common denominator is the innocent, voiceless IVF child. Time for explanation will come later but abandoning an innocent child comes NOW. It can take several years to get basic things for an abandoned IVF child like a legal identity. Recognition as a human being who deserves basic human dignity and respect, recognition as a human being who has equal rights, recognition as a human being to be allowed to grow up with their siblings can come LATER, for now, it is about SAVING the abandoned child.

When innocent IVF children are abandoned willfully, it is an act of IVF terrorism. It is a new crime of the 21st century. Just like innocent infants left at dumpsters or kicking dogs and other pets is a cruelty to the victim, why is abandoning an IVF child willfully NOT a crime? Have the laws caught up with technology? More importantly, do the laws have an answer for the IVF terrorists and the tools to bring them to justice and ensure the rights of innocent IVF children? Is it too much to ask to PROTECT the rights of innocent, voiceless IVF children?

Happy World Embryology Day

Thirty six years ago, he world’s first IVF child was born. Wishing everyone a Happy World Embryology day if you care. Some famous people born in IVF-Cruelty1978 as well are Ashton Kutcher, Zoe Saldana, Tia and Tamera Mowry, Usher, Kobe Bryant, Katie Holmes, first IVF baby in the world – Louise Brown, India’s first IVF baby – Durga. Sadly, we still do not have equal rights for IVF children and families.

Technology is wonderful when used correctly and thanks to the hard work of scientists, researchers for doing their part for the progress of humanity. Whose job is it to have laws that keep pace with technology? Have they done their job? What happens when the laws fall short and innocent IVF children are victimized with no justice? Whose responsibility and accountability is that?

In 1978, there were about 4.3 billion people and 2 IVF children.

In 2012, there were about 7.1 billion people and the 5 millionth IVF child was delivered.

In 2012, the CDC estimated 1% of all births in US were through IVF and expect all births to be about 5% soon.

By 2020, the population is estimated to be about 7.7 billion and the IVF industry is expected to double (maybe the number of IVF children born will also double as a conservative estimate?)

When will IVF be a “big enough” issue to start caring? And it is about the innocent, voiceless IVF children – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable. When will we as a society wake up? What will it take for us as a society to wake up? 

If “IVF” is an “industry”, then what is it “product” and who is protecting their rights? Should any industry be regulated especially where billions of dollars are involved? Especially where innocent children’s lives may be at risk? Especially where innocent children’s welfare may be endangered?

If “IVF” is to help infertile or dysfertile people, who helps the IVF children? What are the rights of IVF children when born during a divorce? Do they deserve a legal identity or should they be shoved under the carpet and make them invisible? Does that solve the problem?

When a straight couple who is dealing with infertility, are both spouses impacted with the lack of laws for IVF children and families? When gay couples, lesbian couples, single men, single women, infertile couples attempt to solve their “dysfertility” with help of other compassionate human beings, should there also be laws to help them and the IVF children? Or should such people be discriminated and falsely persecuted for daring to dream to have a child through help of technology? Worse their innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit and for the actions of their parents.

Every IVF journey is unique. Some result in not having a IVF child at all despite multiple attempts which sadly failed. The worst is having an IVF child who is born into legal limbo and not having any rights as a living, breathing human being. Sadly, pets have more rights in some cases. 

This year on World Embryology Day, let us pledge for equal rights for IVF children and families. This includes the entire IVF fraternity – the donors, the surrogates, the IVF clinics and medical professionals, the intended parents, and most importantly the IVF child. If there are laws for international child adoption, if there are laws for international child abduction, why are there no laws for international IVF children? More importantly, in absence of these laws, how do innocent victims get justice? 

The cornerstone of any IVF cycle is compassion of a fellow human being. It is the essence of our humanity. Let us hope that is NOT lost.

Love and Compassion Cannot Conquer Secrecy and Lies

Love and Compassion are cornerstones in being human, whether its a relationship between lovers or siblings or parent-child or friends or neighbours or states or countries. When our humanity is at stake, everything we have built around it questions our very ethos of humanity especially when the victims are innocent children. Rather than having a ethical OR moral OR legal obligation to respect a fellow human being, the true question is can love and compassion conquer secrecy and lies?

If you are an adult woman who happens to be infertile, do you get compassion and sympathy from the society if not the laws? But if you are an IVF girl child (a future woman), do you get the same compassion and sympathy from the society if not the laws?Equal IVF Child Rights Tshirt

If you are a victim of female infanticide, clerly you cannot talk. But what if you are an abandoned IVF girl child, do you have any rights as a human being and as a child?

Take the journey of how convoluted our society is in paying lip service when it comes to human rights and child rights of innocent IVF children and families. It is not about who you know, it is about how you are born is where the discrimination begins. As a society, legally, if not socially, we have conquered discrimination based on race, color, creed, gender, sexual orientation but when it comes to IVF children and families, we have some ways to go. Is IVF the new black, the new gay and the new orange?

IVF is a wonderful medical technology to help infertile or dysfertile people. As everyone knows, it takes three things to make a child scientificaly, sperm, egg and womb. But it takes love and compassion to raise a child. Not just as a parent but as a good human being. Secrecy and lies are NOT in the best interest of any child despite what the “experts” claim. Besides, where is the expert to deal with multiple complexities of intersex, IVF, immigration families?

Some IVF families are honest about their traumatic IVF journey. Some IVF families cherish the IVF children including siblings who are allowed to grow up together as a gift of the father. And some people abuse innocents through IVF and placing innocent lives at risk and in legal limbo. If the laws do not allow for biological father’s name on a birth certificate of an IVF child, shouldn’t one fight for their rights with honesty rather than placing innocent children’s lives at risk? How does the law treat non-biological, intersex parent when it comes to placing their name on an IVF child birth certificate? Adding the complexity that when the IVF child is born outside the US, that IVF child is considered as “child born out of wedlock” meaning is there a marriage or not?

There must be a silver lining to the IVF tragedy and travesty. If non-biological parents deserve equal rights, then government should have laws “in sync” with that philosophy rather than imposing that by SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings. And if non-biological parents have equal rights in raising an IVF child through love and compassion, should they also be held equally accountable and responsible in the welfare of an IVF child if either intended IVF parent abandons the IVF child? Why do we have double standards? Does the innocent child care who abused them? The innocent child cares about love, compassion and justice to get their legal rights.

Rather than pontificate on having equal rights for non-biological parents, one should have laws to reflect that also. And how do you justify actions on one side where a non-biological parent has “equal” rights to a child while on the other side abandoning another non-biological child? Do the innocent children as individuals have any rights or are they human chatal? Do the innocent biological siblings have any rights or do they deserve to be punished for crimes they did not commit? Does the innocent “biological parent” deserve to be punished based on the fact they are “fertile”, OR “immigrant” OR “male” OR any other justifiable discrimination in 2009? The question is NOT whether it is discrimination and abuse, the question is whether the “justifications” of 2009 will stand the test of time? Just like slavery, women suffrage, colonialism, apartheid, civil rights, gay rights, “orange rights”, IVF rights is coming and then these false justifications will be exposed for what they are. Stop pontificating and start caring about real human beings – the innocent children. Love and compassion will conquer the mountain of secrecy and lies because that its power, because thats what makes us human. Let the tsunami of love, compassion and truth be unleashed to wash away the mountains of secrecy, lies, crimes for the sake of innocent IVF children.

The Father’s Day I Was Forced to Miss

Every IVF journey is unique in its own way. Regardless of the fertility issues, the wanting to have a child is common to being a human not whether youfathers-day-ivf are fertile or infertile or married or unmarried or male or female. That’s why our society allows heterosexuals, singles, married, gays, lesbians and whatever other segmentation to be loving parents. Good parenting is based on being a good human being and not your gender or your sexual orientation or you immigration status. For any IVF parent – whether they are successful or not with an IVF child, wanting to have a child is innate and tugs at every emotion that a human is known to have. Then why can’t an IVF father celebrate Father’s Day on becoming a happy father? The Father’s Day I NEVER had.

It was ten years ago, my first child was born through IVF, a lovely son. He was born a few days ahead of Father’s day that year BUT I could not celebrate and jump with joy for my child because the SECRET might be out that my spouse is infertile. I was forced to miss my First Father’s Day. Today, the lies have caught up because my innocent IVF children are paying the price for it and it is time to speak up for their sake. Due to my spouse’s infertility and respecting that, I am the biological father and with help of compassionate egg donor and surrogate, we were blessed with a lovely IVF son. But the IVF was a secret and we could not tell anyone because the infertile spouse did not want to reveal to anyone about the infertility. To the select few, we could talk about surrogacy but under NO circumstances we could reveal that there was NO BIOLOGICAL LINK between the infertile spouse and the IVF child because god forbid, what if people find out the truth? Of course, due to the LIES, not only the innocent child got placed in LEGAL LIMBO but ended up disrespecting the compassion of the egg donor and surrogate for not giving them due credit. As the saying goes, when you live with a criminal who breaks laws, you pick up bad habits. Having a child through IVF is not a bad habit, LYING and continuing to LIE is the bad habit. Infertility is NOT bad, it is natural. How one deals with infertility is what is bad like secrecy and lies for personal advantage.

  • Can an IVF father be allowed to celebrate his child’s birth?
  • Can an IVF father be allowed to share his emotions from a traumatic IVF journey?
  • Can an IVF father be allowed to enjoy the company of all his IVF children as he wanted?
  • Should the innocent children of an IVF father be discriminated because of the gender of their father?
  • Is infertility so traumatic that the ONLY way to solve it is by SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings?
  • Is infertility so traumatic that the ONLY way to solve it is by alienating an IVF father from his lovely son and vice versa?
  • As a fertile IVF father, I have STARED infertility in its face. I know infertility. I have tried to defeat infertility. I know the trauma. I know the emotions. I know the lack of laws. I know that it is the LOVE and CHARACTER of a parent that counts and NOT the gender or genetic link of a parent with a child like the laws demand.
  • IVF is meant to help with infertility. Regardless of the trauma of infertility, what is happening to innocent IVF children who are siblings is far MORE traumatic. I am their IVF father and I intend to protect my IVF children and get them their rights. This fight is NO different than slavery, women suffrage, Brown Vs. Board of education, civil rights, gay rights, transgender rights, and now IVF rights. Personally I believe that over the history, every social struggle has needed a catalyst like Rosa Parks. Who is the Rosa Parks for IVF? Who is the Harvey Milk for IVF? Who is the Laverne Cox for IVF?

A shout out to all fathers – IVF, white, black, brown, blue, maroon, single, married, divorced, straight, gay, intersex, otherwise – Have a Happy Father’s Day and may you NEVER be forced to MISS a father’s day.

As another year goes by and with tears in my eyes as I get cake and card for my alienated son on father’s day and his birthday (they happen to be very close, if you recall), I wonder why should a brother be SPLIT from his sister, why should a son be separated from his IVF parent and what did all the lies achieve? Divorces are not new, they happen. But should the “best interest of the child” be maintained in any divorce? Should innocent IVF children be placed in legal limbo due to divorce? Should innocent IVF siblings be SPLIT? Should innocent IVF children be abandoned with no recourse for justice? If you consent to IVF, you are responsible for welfare of the IVF child – simple. Not the donor, not the surrogate, not the IVF clinic, not the orphanage where the innocent IVF child may end up, but the consenting IVF parent has to be held accountable and responsible. Its a new century and the crimes are new, have the laws caught up yet for IVF children and families?