Tag Archives: human rights

Surviving When Held Against Your Will – Forces in Common

As human beings, we are all social animals – something similar was said long ago by a famous author. What is also true that we gravitate towards people who may not be family, or friends and are complete strangers because what bonds us is an individual experience but for a shared cause. Sadly, sexual assault against women is a daily talk to someone - IVFoccurrence in our world ranging from countries in Asia, Africa to Europe to Americas. Lot of women who thankfully may not have been a victim of sexual assault but whenever they hear a story about it, a thought that may run through their mind, “What if it were me?” This is what bonds them to the stranger who is a victim and some become activists by demanding protection for women and some maybe silent activists. The point is there is support and a bond based on the cause which is right and we identify with people who may have had a similar experience although not together. Whether the experience is a breast cancer survivor or a marathon runner or a single parent or a caregiver. Rightfully so, there should better protection for women and also education and awareness that women are also someone’s mother, sister, wife, daughter so harming them as such is not right. Similarly, what is common for an intersex, immigrant, IVF father in 2000s? When a person survives after being held against their will, they have forces in common.

As left-behind IVF father of an abandoned IVF child, one could also become a criminal and abandon an innocent, voiceless child and leave them to their fate at an orphanage and provide no answers for them either now or when they grow older into an adult. Perhaps the threat to an innocent child while 6 months pregnant in a surrogate’s womb and faced with abandonment is more similar to the feelings of a pregnant woman who is kicked in the stomach and the risk of threat to her child.

As a person who has constantly been silenced under threats and abused, there are other cases which also bring similarity. The Fritzl case in Austria where an innocent woman was kidnapped and held hostage for 24 years against her will. In a very sad case, a father unleashed horrors unto her own daughter and also fathered children with her. The innocent victim was an adult when she was taken away and held against her will. She found the forces to survive and eventually be freed from a monster. On the outside, we can only gauge what it may have been for her but the true horrors of her ordeal will only be known by her and her innocent children, sadly one of whom died while in captivity. She did not consent to having the children with her own father and captor but the fact remains she is raising the children today and not blaming them because children are innocent and the two discussion are separate. She has NOT abandoned the innocent children.

Another case that comes to mind is that of Ohio man, Ariel Castro who kidnapped innocent women and held them against their will including fathering children with them. Unlike the Fritzl case, he was not a family member but a person in the same neighbourhood. Up until the case broke, his children also spoke of him as a good parent. The women survived and so did their innocent children. Sadly, the true horrors of being held against your will can only be known by the women and the innocent children who suffered. They did not give consent to having a child with Mr. Castro but the fact is there is a child who they are raising and have NOT abandoned the innocent child.

In IVF, there are different kinds of cases of the 21st century which most people are just becoming aware of. There are cases of DNA mismatch and there are cases of intended parents abandoning an IVF child after birth. Just like the women who did not want a child with their abuser but fact is they were being held against their will, what if an IVF father is held against his will and forced to have a child because he happens to be fertile and later is stranded with an abandoned IVF baby? Do you also abandon the child? How did the IVF father who was forced into silence deal with the horrors of a decade? Did the love of the children carry him through? Was it the same love which made him NOT abandon his IVF child?

As time passes, we continue to reach out to people who share a common bond, its natural. After being silenced for so long, it takes a while to get your “teeth again” so to speak. And innocent children and their rights are a strong driver. One begins to discover people in similar plight if not due to the exact same reasons. There was a case of Canadian couple who had an issue of DNA mismatch in India. They did NOT abandon the IVF child but instead moved lock, stock and barrel to India – an unknowing place for them and fought for six years before being allowed to take the IVF child with them on humanitarian grounds. Not just did the child win, the parents won but humanity won. In another case, an IVF father discovered after 5 years there was a DNA mismatch with him and his IVF daughter who happens to be autistic. His wife passed away but he has NOT abandoned his daughter, he will raise her with all the love he has. Humanity wins!

For rest of the world, an abandoned child may be one of millions in the world but for a surviving parent, the innocent child IS THE WORLD, no matter how they were born. To those who are struggling, crying, praying to be freed, hang in there, we have been there and there are forces in common which will eventually free you. And never lose your humanity because it is the greatest gift a human can gift to another.

If a mother can dream of having two lovely siblings growing up together, can a father have the same dream? If an infertile person can dream of having a child thanks to technology like IVF and compassion of fellow human beings, can an IVF father dream of seeing his IVF siblings growing up together? If a woman can ask for equal pay for equal work (which she deserves and has every right), can a man dream of having equal parenting rights in the best interest of children? By continuing to use stereotypes and denying equal rights to a father, are they really hurting the father or his innocent children who are siblings who have never met?

People like Fritzl and Castro are not stereotypes and yet they exist and there are laws to protect and give justice to the ones who suffered, where is the protection and laws for innocent IVF children and families?

Compassion is Evil, Worse Your Innocent IVF Children will be Punished

Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. – As the Borg said in their quest for intergalactic supremacy and space terrorism in a fictional movie/TV series. IVF-CrueltyCompassion is evil, worse compassion is so heinous that your innocent, voiceless children should be punished for crimes they did not commit.

Much like a black slave in 1800, a woman without suffrage rights in 1900, a gay in 2000s, the plight of an IVF father who is an immigrant and an intersex family is much the same – NO rights. Worse, its the innocent, voiceless IVF children born out of compassion of several are being punished for crimes they did not commit. If making IVF babies is an international industry, where are the laws to regulate it? More importantly, do innocent IVF children and families deserve equal rights and protection?

If there is COMPASSION for an intersex, immigrant, infertile person, why not COMPASSION for innocent IVF children and families?

Slavery was legal in 1800 but wrong, Women could not exercise their rights in 1900 legally but wrong, Gays were forcefully closeted legally but wrong, how are international IVF/surrogacy parents and their IVF children treated in 2014? Are they human beings who deserve basic human decency and respect or are they to be used, abused and discarded? We can continue to pontificate that an immigrant, intersex, IVF family has NO rights to have children through IVF legally in 2000s but the FACT is two lovely IVF children have been born, now what? Do we give them equal rights as children or do we punish them because their parents committed the heinous crime of being compassionate?

Nothing against natural born children, most IVF parents are natural born, but when a child is born through IVF/surrogacy, it includes compassion of not just the two parents but also the donor, surrogate, the IVF clinic, the doctor, the embryologist, and so on. Abandoning an IVF child is a slap on the face of all these people and everyone’s humanity. Compassion is at the central CORE of IVF and to help a fellow human being. Why is it evil? Why is it so heinous that two innocent IVF siblings should be separated for showing compassion? The IVF children are NOT wrong, the laws are WRONG just like the slavery laws of 1800, the anti-women laws of 1900, the anti-gay laws of 2000 and now we have the anti-IVF laws of 2000s and counting.

Resistance is NOT futile. Borg are a fictional character. Here in the real world, we have to deal with real, live, breathing human beings, little IVF children who may be abandoned or forcefully left stateless and in legal limbo. We have to answer questions like why can’t I see my brother in America. Or why can’t I go to Canada to see snow? Or why can’t we go to Africa to see giraffes and zebras? Or why couldn’t I be together with my brother and father when you went to Alaska in the snow? And the one question that drives the nail in the head, through your heart and into the ground is why should we help others? Living in India is a daily learning lesson in people around you who are destitutely poor, children who may not be able to go to school, children who are hungry or may have less toys or no toys than your child. Do you teach your child compassion which is considered EVIL? You would have to meet the abandoned IVF child personally to figure out if she has been raised right and whether compassion is at the centre of her upbringing.

In any war, there is an unwritten rule to spare the women and children. Nowadays, women are also in front line combat meaning in a war they are equal targets. Also, wars are getting to be more non-conventional where terrorists without a state are the main adversaries and we are moving towards a mantra of SPARING the innocent – children first, women and men. Raising an abandoned IVF child meaning she was born with compassion of others but placed willfully in legal limbo by IVF terrorists with NO compassion for her is the choice of a parent to SPARE the innocent children. Is the system able to do the same and spare the innocent IVF siblings and let them be united?

An Indian citizen IVF child in the US is DENIED to come to India to see his IVF sister because Government of India has NOT signed a Hague treaty while the US has laws requiring a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US meaning how can an infertile American bring an IVF child born outside the US legally? These are issues for the respective governments to decide. But spare the innocent IVF siblings. Let compassion be what it is, let it not be depicted as EVIL. What is needed is laws for international IVF/surrogacy in best interest of children and not shoving facts under the carpet and denying DUE PROCESS to innocent.

Just like the black slave of 1800, the woman fighting for her suffrage rights in 1900, gays in 2000, IVF children and families in 2000s and counting deserve equal rights and basic human dignity and respect. Acknowledging the problem comes first and eventually a solution is arrived at – let it not be decades or centuries, let it be before the innocent childhoods of IVF siblings expires. Resistance is NOT futile. Compassion is NOT evil. IVF children born to a father are not “illegitimate” as the language in the laws claim. What is wrong is the archaic laws and people who want to exploit them for personal benefit. Because willfully abandoning an innocent child AND willfully splitting loving siblings can NEVER be right NOR justifiable. Laws will change with time and these acts will be criminal while the “illegitimate” IVF children of today will be “legal” because its the right answer. Compassion will not become evil or illegal, breaking laws will remain illegal.

Trophy Child? – A Lesson As IVF Terrorism Continues

Its hard to believe what happened just 50 years ago and one can only imagine to walk in Mr. Lewis’s shoes to gauge where our society has come in john_lewis_discrimination_IVF50 years. There is so much more to do. The discrimination lines have changed but they still do exist. Sir (out of respect) John Lewis was arrested for using a “white” restroom and had broken the prevailing laws. An immigrant, intersex IVF father in 2000s is also discriminated for trying to give human rights to a person where laws itself fall short in 2000s and worse so are his innocent IVF children because they committed the “heinous crime” of being born to an immigrant, IVF father. Let us pray the innocent siblings don’t see each other only in “pictures” but have an opportunity to grow up together as was intended by the IVF parent.

There is a stereotype around having “trophy this” and “trophy that” and wanting to be a star at every event. Perhaps for an infertile person who is desperate meaning NOT all infertile people, having a child at any cost is like a “trophy child”. The feelings and wishes of the “trophy child” do not count. They are silenced and muted out because the desperate infertile person must have a child at any cost. Does the child have rights? Is the child allowed to have wishes? As we mark October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month, is wanting to have a trophy child at any and all costs creating more victims of domestic violence and abuse? If you don’t like the laws, change the laws but breaking the laws which cannibalizes rights of others including innocent children is no way to move forward. What will it take to have an IVF/surrogacy awareness month? Mostly to educate and spread awareness so that the issues and lack of laws plaguing a minority (IVF families) can be understood by the majority. As per CDC, 1 in 8 couples or about 15% are infertile (not sure if LGBTI couples are included in this CDC statistic) while only about 1% of total child births were through IVF in the US. Two points : The majority (85%) does not know or understand the issues with infertility and second, there is a huge disparity within the infertile community on how they solve the issues (only 1% of total births through IVF Vs. 15% of population is infertile) – the others probably go for adoption or remain childless. Where do desperate infertile people (not all infertile) fit in who engage in IVF terrorism splitting innocent IVF siblings deliberately?

Folks like John Lewis, Dr. King, Madiba, Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Susan Anthony Erin Brockovich amongst others provide great inspiration as one tries to go against the prevailing laws because its the right thing to do. IVF is new and laws have not caught up with technology. Does that mean innocent IVF children have no rights? Does that mean an IVF family deserves no justice and should be silenced? Does that mean IVF terrorism wins? The quest to want a child is not based on gender, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, immigration status, etc. If a human being loves children, they want children, period. Other traits like character, respecting laws, love is what makes a good parent. Unleashing IVF terrorism on an unsuspecting IVF family already besieged with lack of laws is abuse and injustice to the IVF family and the innocent IVF children. There are different forms of terror – the traditional kind, terror from rape, terror from domestic violence and abuse, and in the 21st century we have a new IVF terrorism unless laws are made. All forms of terror have one thing in common – undue harm to innocent. When terrorists in Syria or Iraq or elsewhere strike, innocents get terrified and they run across boarders sometimes making them stateless including innocent children. In a world with no laws for international IVF/surrogacy, some people can unleash IVF terrorism creating innocent IVF children who are stateless. Now what?

Dying, suicide, extreme trauma would be the easy option. Education and awareness to get proper laws passed even if it takes a lifetime is a service to innocent IVF children and families. In 2014, there have been a spate of stories on how international IVF/surrogacy is allowing people to ABANDON innocent IVF children in foriegn countries. Is this right? What does it say about our humanity? From the tallest structure built by mankind, to the wonderous  space explorations to moon, Mars and beyond, to the system of democracy where we try to ensure everyone has a level playing field to succeed, as a humanity what have we achieved if we “create” babies through IVF only to abandon them with NO justice for the innocent child? First, we have to respect each other including innocent IVF children. Depending on individual cases, multiple human beings are involved including their compassion to bring an IVF baby into this world. Would the donor have agreed regardless of amount offered if they were told the IVF baby will be abandoned? Would the surrogate have agreed regardless of amount offered if they were told the IVF baby will be abandoned? Would the IVF clinic have agreed regardless of amount offered if they were told the IVF baby will be abandoned? Would the law and justice system have agreed if they were told the IVF baby will be abandoned?

Eye for an Eye, Child for a Child – IVF Terrorism

Eye for an eye will make the whole world go blind is what Mahatma Gandhi said.  An act of child for a child is an act of IVF terrorism. What is abandoning an inneye-for-an-eye-ivfocent, voiceless child while splitting them from their sibling because of threat of laws against infertility? IVF itself is controversial. It is a fact laws have not caught up with technology. Does that mean innocent should be punished? Does that mean voiceless children should be punished? Does that mean IVF siblings should have NO rights and be stranded in legal limbo? Are innocent IVF children a “commodity” or a human being? When will this IVF terrorism end?

Infertility is not wrong, being intersex is not wrong, being a genetic male who looks like a woman is not wrong, having and building families through IVF is not wrong, what is wrong is breaking laws, secrecy, lies, fraud and worse treating innocent, voiceless children as “commodity”. Crimes that place innocent, voiceless children in legal limbo and endanger their welfare is a crime against their humanity. Its a crime against the humanity of the compassionate fellow human beings who wanted to help the infertile human being. The sperm, the egg, the womb is all “borrowed”, so should the child also be used as a “commodity”? Being a donor or surrogate is NOT wrong but treating them as a commodity is wrong. Is stealing candy from a child make you a “winner” or a “loser”? The question is not whether an adult can steal candy from a child – thats doable, the question is what does the child deserve?

If an intersex, immigrant, infertile adult does not have rights, does that mean they have the right to take rights away from innocent IVF children? Is abandoning a child to take away their sibling a crime against the siblings? Is denying due process to innocent children a crime? Is denying rights to an innocent a crime? If intersex cannot legally marry, if intersex are infertile and cannot have a child biologically, if the laws require a genetic link between a US parent and child born outside the US meaning an infertile parent can NEVER bring a child to the US legally, should innocent siblings be SACRIFICED? Should innocent lives be “commodified”? This is new territory with IVF and lack of laws but does that mean we as a humanity sit back as an adult completely ridicules the basic dignity of a human being – an innocent child?

Mahatma Gandhi had it right, an eye for an eye will make the whole world go blind and what is having a child by abandoning another child called? What good can come out of this IVF terrorism? IVF offers this unique possibility where a parent can exercise “parental rights” choosingly. How is that the best interest of the child? What does the voiceless, innocent child deserve? If a “non-genetic” parent deserves to have equal rights to an IVF child, should the “non-genetic” parent ALSO be held equally responsible and accountable for the welfare of an IVF child they consented to? Or is helping infertile people a crime so heinous that your innocent IVF child should also be punished for it? It is time to change the laws and ensure that rights of any child, even “IVF” child are protected from criminals.

As Gandhiji aptly said, “Become the change you want to see in this world.” And the change we want is equal rights for IVF children and families.

Top 10 things Learnt by an IVF Parent from Parents of Intersex child

  1. Secrecy and lying are the real culprits and being born intersex or IVF should be a non-issue. If a parent of intersex can speak up for their Lies-IVF-Jeffersonintersex child, does an IVF parent have equal right to speak up for their IVF children? Having met other intersex and IVF families, IVF or intersex are not culprits, people who lie and break laws for selfish benefit are the criminals.
  2. One would imagine that a parent of an intersex child would want to find a spouse who is compassionate, be willing to marry out of love for their intersex child despite the laws not yet ready, be willing to either adopt a child or go for IVF and share their biological child with their intersex child who happens to be infertile and have a happy family for their intersex child despite laws NOT allowing it. But to abandon innocent IVF child and knowingly SPLIT IVF siblings takes a twisted turn of selfishness and has nothing to do with intersex or IVF issues rather has more in common with what criminals do and not what compassionate humans do.
  3. The reasons why siblings and parents of an intersex child are recognized for care and support are the same reasons why spouses and children of intersex should be recognized. Shoving issues and truth under the carpet will help no one and more importantly, lies will not help us get to a solution, truth might.
  4. Just like Dr. John Money was wrong, ignoring the experiences and facts about a spouse and children of an intersex marriage who had intersex surgery during marriage is also wrong. What is wrong is the intersex surgery should have not occurred just as the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for a STOP. Making lab rats out of unsuspecting and compassionate humans will not lead to solutions rather victims.
  5. Sadly there are people in this world who believe and propogate that the Holocaust never occurred. There are two main issues here. By not acknowledging facts, there is no justice for victims and second it continues to victimize and abuse the traumatized including the specter of reoccurrence. By not acknowledging the impact of a torturous intersex surgery during an intersex marriage and its impact on unsuspecting, innocent spouse and children. Second it continues to victimize innocent IVF children and families and a specter of reoccurrence. Regardless of how this story is spun, the fact is when someone respects human rights of others where laws/government itself falls short, there is no justice for them – worse it is such a heinous act that their innocent children should also be punished – is that a reminder of barbaric times where innocent children are punished for actions of their parents? The only thing to teach our children is that truth prevails.
  6. Breaking laws instead of changing laws is the right answer as per an intersex family. In the quest of giving a child to your infertile child, its ok to endanger welfare of others including innocent children and siblings.
  7. An intersex child can have siblings but not an IVF child. Apparently, splitting siblings knowingly is called love. Abandoning a child to have another child is called love. Or is it fertility terrorism and IVF terrorism? If males who are in love and happen to be gay and are allowed to have feelings for their child, why is it an IVF father who happens to be straight not have same feelings for the child? Or being straight and fertile is a bigger crime and showing compassion for fellow humans where laws also fall short is so heinous a crime that his innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit. We can call it a lot of things but “love” and “best interest” of the child does not resonate.
  8. Secrecy and lies including threats are a better weapon than truth and compassion. By using tools of secrecy and lying in some twisted way they are helping rights of intersex people when in fact laws have not changed. Only peaceful protests and speaking the truth will deliver equal rights for intersex.
  9. Injustice skips a generation meaning fighting complex issues like intersex and IVF takes a long time – the parents are discriminated and persecuted first and then justice is served to the children.
  10. Running a defamation campaign against anyone who says the truth is ok even if it continues to victimize and abuse innocent victims including voiceless children.

Fighting for rights of a child is great – intersex or IVF – the difference is do you fight with truth or lies and do you fight with dignity, civility and humility with truth and compassion OR do you do it with secrecy, fraud, breaking laws with lies while abusing innocent, voiceless children?

Its ONLY 2014 for IVF and NOT 2114 so wait for your IVF Rights

If an HIV person is court ordered to not spread HIV to unsuspecting victims, what should be the rights of unsuspecting spouses of intersex whose rights are snatched ivf-is-the-new-black-gayaway? Whatever lack of rights intersex people have, its the same lack of rights experienced by spouse of an intersex just like an unsuspecting victim of HIV infection. The difference is truth vs lying.

If an Italian marine in India can be allowed to go to Italy on humanitarian grounds, why cant an innocent Indian IVF child be allowed to see his loving family is in India?

If a Jordanian terrorist who is now a UK citizen can be sent back to his home country to allow due process and then denied access back to UK, his newly naturalized country of citizenship, why can’t an IVF terrorist who is now a US citizen be sent back to their home country in India to allow due process? Or should they be allowed to run from laws while innocent children who they victimized and continue to suffer the injustice? Do innocent IVF children have rights?

Where is the moral compass? Its not that the moral compass is missing but it seems that it is easier to break laws for personal benefit including abusing innocent children and using them as commodity. It seems that in 2014, people who lie and break laws will be rewarded rather than changing the laws like Rosa Parks or Edie Windsor did by standing up for truth. There is a pride about being American, is it still true for innocent, unsuspecting IVF children and families? As per CDC, about 1% of births in US were through IVF meaning on an empirical scale, IVF and its issues affect about 1% of the population who want children. It also means that the other 99% if made aware of the severe lack in laws for IVF children and families, most would support the right thing to do and therefore education and awareness is key to securing IVF rights. If you know, you will care. You may disagree but that means you cared enough to even disagree rather than being oblivious.

  1. When a mother has multiple miscarriages, only she know how she feels. When an IVF father has multiple failed IVF attempts, how does/should he feel. He knows, do others know?
  2. When a mother is kicked in the stomach while pregnant, only she knows whats at risk for her and the child. When an ongoing IVF pregnancy with joint consent is abandoned by an intended “mother”, how should the IVF father and the IVF brother who wanted a sibling feel? They know, do others know?
  3. When a mother has to give up a child under duress and coercion, only she knows how it feels. When an IVF father is coerced under severe trauma and under duress is forced to agree to lies, only he knows how that feels.
  4. When a mother is helpless and both her children need help, who does she save? When an IVF father is helpless and forced to choose between two innocent IVF children who he loves equally, how should he feel?
  5. Only a woman can understand the pain of a fellow woman being abused and who has no rights. And she would help a fellow woman. even if it meant going against her own family because its the right thing to do. Only an IVF parent can understand the pain of an IVF child who are both victims of abuse, negligence and finally both abandoned and stranded left in legal limbo to survive on their own.
  6. Commodifying women is not just wrong but inhumane. Commodifying IVF parent and their IVF children only to be discarded is not just wrong but inhumane.

As humans, we are a sum of our experiences. Asking a rape victim to forget about the facts is not justice, not in 1814, not in 1914, and not in 2014. Asking an IVF father to forget about the facts of the criminal conspiracy against him and his innocent IVF children including shutting him up to hide facts is not justice in 2004, 2009, 2014. Sadly there are some people in the world today who claim the Holocaust did not occur – there are two lessons from that. One is there is no justice for the innocent victims and continued victimization for the left-behind family if you believe the lies and second the chance of reoccurrence with more victims. Same is true for an immigrant, intersex, IVF family. Lies are wrong and truth is real and the right way forward in everyone’s best interest and innocent victims deserve due process and justice rather than shoving issues under the carpet.

Laws choose to discriminate which maybe well-intentioned but sadly are manipulated and laws are broken by people for personal benefit. Innocent children only recognize love and truth. There is no love in abandoning innocent children or splitting innocent siblings. Infertility is not a crime, lying about infertility is a crime as per laws. More importantly, do lies that break laws and place innocent children in legal limbo deserve action and justice in the proverbial “best interest of child”  or should criminals who are childless be let go? Whose trauma is more – the adult who lies or innocent children who are voiceless?

There is no way to gauge the real impact of the trauma unless you have experienced it yourself. And sometimes the heinousness is so abrasive that even without going through it, as a human being we realize the difference between right and wrong. Being an immigrant, intersex, IVF family is illegal in 2000s both in India and the US as per laws, hiding and lying about it is NOT going to help anyone, especially the unsuspecting, innocent victims.

East Meets West – Intersex, IVF, Immigration

It is important to talk about facts and state the truth with civility, dignity and humility. It would be wrong to stay silent and further to fointersex-IVF-Immigration-east-meets-westrce silence on truth would be both heinous and undemocratic. Ironically, for decades if not generations, silence is how intersex has been dealt with both in the east and west and the biggest lesson learnt as an intersex, IVF, immigrant family in 2000s is secrecy and lying are the real culprits. So with all due respect to all, let us state the truth so that we can salvage innocent childhoods and not live on false foundations because that is no way to deliver justice. In dealing with these complex issues of the 21st century, patience is the foremost thing required and that we have and let truth prevail. For most people, infertility is a “distant” issue, IVF/surrogacy is even more of a “distant” issue, and having innocent IVF siblings SPLIT is more “distant” and having an abandoned IVF child is “very distant”. To them, injustice to innocent IVF children may represent a very small fraction BUT to us, THEY are our WORLD and everything. We deeply care about equal IVF rights as it affects our family deeply or rather lack of IVF rights is hurting our family immensely.

It is 2014 and the west is still to get up to speed with acknowledging presence of the “third gender”. What is more important is to give them equal rights like marriage, having children despite being infertile, so that unsuspecting compassionate law abiding citizens are not frauded and cheated because laws are not in their favor. Worse, innocent IVF children of an intersex family are NOT SPLIT just so that someone can have a child at any cost. Regardless of what side of the debate you are on, at the end of your justification, add two sentences – “…and therefore its OK to abandon innocent IVF child. And therefore its OK to SPLIT innocent IVF brother and sister who he wanted.”  Laws are man-made and NOT perfect, justice is NOT perfect, Life is NOT fair, but why punish innocent IVF children – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable for that?

  • Denial or Acceptance – While Asian countries in the East have long acknowledged the existence of the “third gender” and given them a special designation in the society in order to be assimilated. This went on for thousands of years in the east until the west colonialized the east and imposed their “own laws” including discriminatory laws against the “third gender”. The situation today of the “third gender” in countries like India, Pakistan, etc. is a “post-British” situation which is very different than what it was 400-500 years ago when they were in an esteemed position. One has to question, what is better as  a “human being” – DENIAL or ACCEPTANCE? Now the same set of secrecy, lack of laws is being repeated on IVF children and families including crimes and abuse perpetrated.
  • Best of East-West  – The current situation in the East may not be the best for “third gender” when it comes to human rights but at least they can live honestly. There are “third gender” folks in the west who are clamouring for a legal identity which their governments are in denial because of archaic laws from centuries past similar to the laws that British brought with them during colonization. The West is slowly waking up to issues of the “third gender” and accepting the facts. The journey has just begun. Australia and New Zealand recognized the third gender in 2012, then came Germany in 2013 and now there are discussions that UK may be next. Perhaps the US will also wake up to this reality someday. Good news is the West is catching up and taking steps to remedy centuries old wrongs. And what is needed is an amalgamation of both East and West philosophies in dealing with intersex and IVF – both highly taboo subjects but affecting one family deeply and greatly especially innocent siblings.
  • Science and Truth – The West provides a forum to understand and learn topics. There are specialized institutions, professionals, conferences, openness specifically dedicated to dealing with “third gender” issues or known as Disorders of Sexual Development (DSD) or known as intersex (there is controversy among the communities whether the politically correct term is “intersex” or “DSD”). In countries like India, in the local vernacular and a legal term, they are refered to as Eunuchs, again a controversial term depending on who you ask. One has to wonder is it the “terms” which are controversial or the subject itself is controversial since it is taboo to discuss it meaning regardless of what term we come up with, it will be always controversial and if so, how do we honestly and scientifically discuss the issues of an intersex family? For the academicians, lawyers, politicians, activists, etc, their fight maybe of “political correctness”; for victims of lack of laws for intersex and IVF, it is a matter of survival.
  • Statistics – As per NIH, about 1 in 2000 births are born DSD/intersex, which is a generic term. Its important to note that the NIH, a reputable institution also uses both terms which highlights the controversy and confusion. This means its a minority. Most DSD/intersex people are infertile and as per CDC, 1 in 6 couples are infertile. Does this include or exclude intersex/DSD? Does the CDC statistics include LGBTI or are they only looking at heterosexual couples? It is 2014, isn’t it time to update our scientific data gathering to be more reflective of the realities in our society? More importantly, statistics drive change, they drive laws, and if the statistics itself are not reflective (inadvertently or deliberate) of the issues faced  by the population, then how can we expect to get new laws and therefore justice?
  • Medicine – In 2013, the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture announced for a STOP to intersex surgeries. This means what the doctors, highly learned academicians, medical professionals had been doing for last 50 years were WRONG! The fraud paperwork to support their lies and wrongs is also wrong, is it a crime? For the reasons why Dr. John Money has been proven wrong today while highly sought after and reputable medical professional during his time, similarly, performing intersex surgeries under secrecy and lies during a marriage with inappropriate resources is WRONG. It is a recipe for disaster to ruin a family and more importantly endangering the welfare of innocent children. Science and wishful thinking don’t go together. Science relies on facts. The medical professionals in their zeal to right “social wrongs” forgot to adhere to facts and science and as a result lost credibility again in dealing with sensitive issues like intersex just like Dr. John Money. Cannibalizing the rights of other humans is no way to give human rights to one human.
  • Change – Today, parents and siblings of intersex/DSD also get treatment and counseling. Given the same logic, why are there NO options for spouses and children of an intersex family especially when the torturous intersex surgery occurred during a marriage? Are the spouses and children of an intersex family supposed to lie, live in silence and suppress their experiences and torture? And how is that exactly different than what was done to intersex people for decades and centuries? It may take a few more decades/centuries for the West and East to understand what happened to spouse and children of an intersex family but silencing them in the meantime is no justice as they are living through an IVF Holocaust.
  • History – Sadly there are people in this world who believe the Holocaust did not occur. There are two issues here. One there is denial of facts and therefore denial of justice to victims and continued victimization and second no lessons learnt and the threat of reoccurrence. Had the world not recognized the Holocaust, perhaps, the story in Bosnia/Serbia, Rwanda, ongoing ISIS may have ended differently with thousands more innocent lives lost. Let us take learning lessons from an intersex, IVF, immigrant family in 2000s so that we can usher change for equal rights for intersex, IVF children and families and caregivers. No one deserves to have their human rights and/or child rights violated. By silencing, we are not going to achieve anything but perhaps by listening to facts and accepting the truth, we may open a door for a better future. What is so wrong about that?

Why IVF Fathers are an Oxymoron as per laws?

Instead of enjoying and celebrating the compassion of women for helping a male to become a loving IVF father, here we are fighting for rights of ivf-oxymoroninnocent IVF children because their only fault is being born IVF and to a “male”.  The irony and tragedy couldn’t be any more inhumane. An IVF father is NOT an oxymoron based on humanity, love and compassion but in 2000s it is an oxymoron based on prevailing laws. The IVF children are not wrong, the IVF father is not wrong, showing compassion and being part of an intersex, immigrant, IVF family is not wrong; secrecy and lying is wrong AND the laws are wrong. Come stand on the right side of history. For those who get it, this is about equal rights of IVF children and families including donors and surrogates and NOT about female Vs male or mother Vs father or whatever [political agenda] or whatever [social agenda]. The 21st century has a lot to offer including building families differently and families with no mothers. Are we ready to accommodate them both socially and legally? Regardless of any justification provided, at the end of any justification add two sentences : “And therefore its OK to abandon an innocent child. And therefore its OK to deliberately split two innocent brother and sister.

  • Why should the gender of a parent matter to a child?
  • Why should the fertility or infertility or dysfertility of a parent matter to a child?
  • Whether a child is born naturally or through IVF, why should it matter to a child?
  • Why should the rights of an IVF child born during divorce be different than that of a child born naturally during a divorce?
  • Punish the IVF father if it is a crime to help fellow human being where laws itself fall short, but why punish his innocent IVF children?
  • As an immigrant, IVF father of an intersex family, one does not expect empathy or sympathy because very few people would understand at face value, but why punish his IVF chidlren? If you know of a bomb on a ship or plane or school or building where innocent children would die even though they are not your children, would you take action? Would you inform authorities and demand justice? Then why not the same reaction for innocent IVF children? Why are we terrorizing innocent IVF children due to lack of laws and inaction? Enough of “baby M’s”, baby Manji”, “baby Gammy”, its time to start living normally in a world with equal rights for IVF children and families.

Shouldn’t the love and character of a parent be more important than their gender, fertility issues, IVF or natural, born during a marriage or born out of wedlock, etc? At a humane level, these other issues SHOULD take less precedence but sadly LAWS place more importance on these other issues in some twisted ironical world deeming it “best interest of the child”. The fact is laws have not kept pace with technology and are still struggling with issues of IVF parents, gay parents, intersex parents, immigrant parents, etc. And somehow separating innocent children from their loving family is in the “best interest of the innocent child” rather than fixing the laws which are broken. It is offensive and inhumane at all levels.

  • As per laws, an immigrant, IVF father in the 2000s does not exist. As per laws, the IVF child is considered as “born out of wedlock” but IS considered as a child of marriage when divorce is filed. Am confused – Is there a marriage or not?
  • As per laws, any ongoing pregnancies should be declared when filing divorce in the “best interest of the child” EXCEPT when the ongoing pregnancy is through IVF because then the IVF child is just a “commodity” with NO HUMAN RIGHTS or NO CHILD RIGHTS.
  • By DENYING an ongoing pregnancy during a marriage, what are the rights of the innocent child and their “best interest”? What are the rights of other siblings – innocent children? Or in our zeal to guarantee a child to everyone at any costs including breaking laws – its OK to trample on others human rights including innocent children?
  • Are we trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? As per prevailing laws, an immigrant, intersex, infertile, IVF person cannot have a child. So should we break any and all laws for the sake of one even if it means endangering the welfare of innocent children? Or do the most vulnerable people in our society – innocent IVF children deserve protection of the laws from adults who may be immoral, unethical and break laws as common criminals do.
  • If a mother took drugs (same chemicals used to make medications) during pregnancy is guilty of child endangerment, what are the effects of an intersex person taking medications known to cause depression, irritability, etc. AND raising an infant? Because the issue is considered taboo and never discussed, does that mean there was no child endangerment or crime? Are we allowed to ask questions of authorities in a democracy or are we supposed to sacrifice our innocent children in silence?
  • It is one thing to have laws but when there is a lack of laws for certain situations like international IVF and when people manipulate and abuse the system to commit white collar crimes that directly places innocent children in legal limbo and endangers their welfare, what should be the response of a civilized society? Should it be to break the laws or change the laws? Have other abuses occurred by the same perpetrators in the name of “love of a child” while ignoring “what the child wants” AND deserves? Welcome to the international IVF of Abu Ghraib and ISIS – where lawlessness punishes innocent children and their families because they dared to help others where laws itself fell short.

As a human being trying to have a child and experiencing multiple failed attempts, you are not a male or female, not a father or mother, not fertile or infertile, you are just a loving want-to-be-parent pying for your child. Its the 21st century and just like women are getting long overdue equal rights at work, is it time for qualified men to get equal parental rights at home? An IVF father who uses both a donor and surrogate goes through his own set of ups and downs of an IVF journey including lack of laws discriminating against him and his children. And when his innocent children are abused and used like commodities, he speaks up like any other parent. He is speaking up for the rights of his innocent children. That does not mean innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit.  Struggles of IVF children and families maybe new but the principles are common like slavery, women suffrage,  civil rights, interracial marriages, gay rights, transgender rights and then IVF rights.  Is the world and are the laws ready for equal rights of IVF children and families in the 21st century?

IVF Rights Part of Immigration Executive Order

Recently, US President Obama announced that he will have an executive order for immigration reform. Are IVF rights on the agenda? Here are a few immigration-ivf-reformsimple reasons to have IVF rights on the agenda first and foremost in the best interest of the IVF child and then the intended parents and families. As a society, we cannot knowingly create stateless babies and punish IVF families for wanting to build families through wonders of IVF. It is time to celebrate IVF in the 21st century and not hibernate. If you agree with the change, sign the petition at http://chn.ge/1oltFl5 and support IVF rights.

1) Change the verbiage in the current US Immigration Law (7 FAM 1131.4 and 7 FAM 1131.5 and its sub-sections) that deals with IVF for US citizens: Change the phrase from “biological mother/father” to “parent“.  The “genetic link” requirement discriminates against infertile people (the very folks who are meant to give a helping hand through wonders of technology), punishes innocent IVF children for DNA mismatches, punishes IVF children born during a divorce or born into a LGBTI family or single parent family. 

2) Change the phrase from “child born out of wedlock” to “child born“.  If IVF children are deemed to be “born out of wedlock”, are we implicitly taking away their legal rights of being “born in a marriage”? Frankly, the verbiage is outdated and offensive.

3) The applicable US Immigration law for IVF fathers on US green card: We are asking for a change of one word – from “mother” to “parent” as cited in 9 FAM 42.1 N2.1 and 9 FAM 42.1 N1.1. This would allow an IVF father legally on US green card to bring a child born outside the US though an egg donor and surrogate to meet US law requirements. If a US LPR mother uses her egg and a donor sperm and surrogate abroad can bring that IVF child legally to the US then why discriminate against the IVF father who uses his sperm? Does the innocent IVF child care?

4) Family Laws and Best Interest of an IVF child born during a divorce – If a US couple has an ongoing IVF pregnancy, it must be mandatory to declare the IVF pregnancy to the court like a natural pregnancy in the event of a divorce so that the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD can be ascertained by the court. Suppressing information from the court is a crime. The rights of an innocent IVF child in a foreign country of a US couple are directly placed in a LEGAL LIMBO. Have a law that a US resident (US Citizen or Legal resident) must “pre-declare” for an IVF child if the surrogacy is done abroad which inherently will protect the rights of the innocent IVF child.

5) Left-behind IVF child law – The needs of an IVF child are NO DIFFERENT than a natural born child. An IVF child also needs love, care, clothes, food, shelter, books, toys, education, and so on. If an intended parent abandons an IVF pregnancy or IVF child in a foreign country, they should be held accountable and responsible because the IVF child’s needs are EQUAL. Is an IVF child LESS of a child than a natural born child? An IVF child is not an unwanted pregnancy but a deliberate pregnancy to bring an innocent life into this world. Laws should hold adults accountable and responsible for abandoning an ongoing IVF pregnancy they consented to.

6) Legal recourse for lapses – In cases where the fertility clinic lapses like accidentally swapping samples there should be a legal recourse. In this case, a DNA test would be negative but what if the intended parents still want to bring an IVF child born outside the US back to the US and raise them? It is traumatic enough to deal with infertility and the trauma only continues when there are serious lapses like switching samples of the biological parent. Some of these laws should be retroactive to UNITE innocent IVF children and families.

7) Debate on Parentage – Define clearly on parentage of the child including issuance of legal documents like birth certificate. A valid birth certificate is a fundamental right of the CHILD and not the parents. It is a document that the child carries for life including adulthood. As the technology evolves, (Link Is : “Three-Parent IVF” Up For Public Consultation In Britain : http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/250343.php) it is possible to have a “three parent IVF child” where the DNA is from three parents. What will be the legal impact of this?

8) Public Service –

a) Just like there are public service announcements through radio advertisements, etc. to educate and spread awareness about adoption and its legalities, there should be similar public service campaigns for IVF families.

b) Just like there are travel advisories for US citizens to risky regions, there should be IVF/surrogacy advisories for US citizens of countries that uphold basic IVF child rights and basic human rights of the IVF industry including donors and surrogates.

Love and Compassion Cannot Conquer Secrecy and Lies

Love and Compassion are cornerstones in being human, whether its a relationship between lovers or siblings or parent-child or friends or neighbours or states or countries. When our humanity is at stake, everything we have built around it questions our very ethos of humanity especially when the victims are innocent children. Rather than having a ethical OR moral OR legal obligation to respect a fellow human being, the true question is can love and compassion conquer secrecy and lies?

If you are an adult woman who happens to be infertile, do you get compassion and sympathy from the society if not the laws? But if you are an IVF girl child (a future woman), do you get the same compassion and sympathy from the society if not the laws?Equal IVF Child Rights Tshirt

If you are a victim of female infanticide, clerly you cannot talk. But what if you are an abandoned IVF girl child, do you have any rights as a human being and as a child?

Take the journey of how convoluted our society is in paying lip service when it comes to human rights and child rights of innocent IVF children and families. It is not about who you know, it is about how you are born is where the discrimination begins. As a society, legally, if not socially, we have conquered discrimination based on race, color, creed, gender, sexual orientation but when it comes to IVF children and families, we have some ways to go. Is IVF the new black, the new gay and the new orange?

IVF is a wonderful medical technology to help infertile or dysfertile people. As everyone knows, it takes three things to make a child scientificaly, sperm, egg and womb. But it takes love and compassion to raise a child. Not just as a parent but as a good human being. Secrecy and lies are NOT in the best interest of any child despite what the “experts” claim. Besides, where is the expert to deal with multiple complexities of intersex, IVF, immigration families?

Some IVF families are honest about their traumatic IVF journey. Some IVF families cherish the IVF children including siblings who are allowed to grow up together as a gift of the father. And some people abuse innocents through IVF and placing innocent lives at risk and in legal limbo. If the laws do not allow for biological father’s name on a birth certificate of an IVF child, shouldn’t one fight for their rights with honesty rather than placing innocent children’s lives at risk? How does the law treat non-biological, intersex parent when it comes to placing their name on an IVF child birth certificate? Adding the complexity that when the IVF child is born outside the US, that IVF child is considered as “child born out of wedlock” meaning is there a marriage or not?

There must be a silver lining to the IVF tragedy and travesty. If non-biological parents deserve equal rights, then government should have laws “in sync” with that philosophy rather than imposing that by SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings. And if non-biological parents have equal rights in raising an IVF child through love and compassion, should they also be held equally accountable and responsible in the welfare of an IVF child if either intended IVF parent abandons the IVF child? Why do we have double standards? Does the innocent child care who abused them? The innocent child cares about love, compassion and justice to get their legal rights.

Rather than pontificate on having equal rights for non-biological parents, one should have laws to reflect that also. And how do you justify actions on one side where a non-biological parent has “equal” rights to a child while on the other side abandoning another non-biological child? Do the innocent children as individuals have any rights or are they human chatal? Do the innocent biological siblings have any rights or do they deserve to be punished for crimes they did not commit? Does the innocent “biological parent” deserve to be punished based on the fact they are “fertile”, OR “immigrant” OR “male” OR any other justifiable discrimination in 2009? The question is NOT whether it is discrimination and abuse, the question is whether the “justifications” of 2009 will stand the test of time? Just like slavery, women suffrage, colonialism, apartheid, civil rights, gay rights, “orange rights”, IVF rights is coming and then these false justifications will be exposed for what they are. Stop pontificating and start caring about real human beings – the innocent children. Love and compassion will conquer the mountain of secrecy and lies because that its power, because thats what makes us human. Let the tsunami of love, compassion and truth be unleashed to wash away the mountains of secrecy, lies, crimes for the sake of innocent IVF children.