Tag Archives: Honesty

Hate Crimes Against Innocent IVF Children and Family

The issue is not being intersex/DSD or infertility. The issue is secrecy and lying. When we had gone in for a medical diagnosis, it was to understand why we could nothate-crime-ivf conceive, it ws a fertility test. What we came out with is a diagnosis for Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) – an intersex/DSD condition. Ever since I was young, I always dreamt of being a father, a good parent. Having a child was very important and thats why we had gone in for a fertility diagnosis and was totally unprepared to deal with a diagnosis of CAIS. Much like a woman with PCOS or MRKH or CAH, or CAIS, no matter how hard a “couple” tries to get pregnant, without technology like IVF, its never going to happen. It was critical to understand that a CAIS couple are two males – it is not offensive, it is a scientific fact and a critical fact to understand when trying to have a child. Sugar coating it, wishful thinking is not going to produce a miraculous baby, science might be able to help! Hate crimes against anyone is wrong including hate crimes against innocent IVF children and families. Respect for all is paramount as we move ahead in 21st century with respecting diversity and IVF children and parents are part of this diversity. IVF is the new black, new gay, new orange. An innocent IVF father who happens to be part of an intersex/DSD marriage and its inherent lack of laws was left to die with his IVF child, but they survived. If you think IVF children and families deserve equal rights, please do sign the petition. 

“When this is over, I’m going to go in my son’s room, my black son, who wears his pants sagging, wears his hat cocked to the side, has tattoos on his arms, but that’s my baby, And we all ought to be thanking the Browns for Michael, because Michael is going to make it better for our sons, so they can be better black men. So they can be better for our daughters, so they can be better black women.” – said Captain Ron Johnson.

As an IVF father, when this is over, my IVF son, who is born of my sperm, anonymous donor and surrogate despite fraud documentation, who loves his father, who wanted a sibling as an IVF child of an IVF father, who wants to meet his siblings but is not allowed to, but thats my baby, he deserves his rights even though he is born IVF. And my IVF daughter does not deserve to be abandoned and be treated like a “commodity”, she is her own individual with her own human rights. It is important to speak up for rights of IVF children and families so that we have better IVF parents and people who abuse the laws and knowingly place innocent children’s welfare at risk should be punished. At the end of the day, humanity should matter.

Just like a woman undergoing fertility treatment, a man can also undergo fertility treatment. The “feelings” of despair, anxiety, loneliness, sleeplessness, sometimes happiness, parental love, are common to both an intended IVF mother OR IVF father. If a woman can dream to provide a sibling for her child, can an IVF father have the same dream? Or are we in the wrong decade/century? Are the feelings the same? Remembering one’s dreams and longing for a child are common to both intended IVF mother or IVF father. When other friends or couples are having children and people ask “Are you next?”, the sinking feeling is common to any infertile person or infertile couple. Especially where a fertile spouse is forced to hold silence for the sake of “respect” of the infertile spouse. That does NOT diminish the fact that the fertile spouse still gets a sinking feeling whenever someone makes an inadvertent comment like “Are you next?” The quizzing, questioning is not wrong because the truth has been hidden from them, the secrecy and lies is what’s wrong.

The question is NOT whether “mothers” are best OR “fathers” are less worthy of a parent, the question is what is the best interest of the child. The answer should be who is a better role model for the child and who can fulfill the needs of the child. Sadly, facts like love, compassion, honesty, integrtity are good words and philosophy, they only look good on paper, they are not worthy in evaluating a “good parent”. Sadly, human emotions do not count but laws rule our lives and so lets stick with laws regardless of how incompassionate or heinous the laws are.

If fathers are so bad then why are IVF treatments allowed for single fathers or gay fathers or intersex fathers? Shouldn’t the love and compassion be more important than the gender of a parent? Shouldn’t the dreams of an individual be more important than their lifestyle choices? Shouldn’t an IVF brother be allowed to grow up with his IVF sister he wanted than be SPLIT up? Shouldn’t the best interest of children count more than adults who lie and break laws? Does an IVF father have the right to exercise his parental rights OR should he be forced to abandon his other IVF child?

A US Court on one side cites that India has not signed the Hague Treaty on Child Abduction and therefore is justified in not allowing an Indian citizen minor to go to India and lie to him. While on the other side the US laws require a “genetic link” between US parents and children born outside the US like IVF children. The right answer is to have US laws catch up with technology like IVF. Regardless of the justification, splitting innocent siblings is NOT the right answer, especially when done knowingly. No country has laws for IVF children and families but while we as a humanity struggle to get there, why SPLIT up innocent siblings whose only fault is to be born IVF? These hate crimes against innocent IVF family need to stop whether it is 2014 or 2114 (by when, the hope is equal rights for IVF children and families will exist). Just as it was wrong in 1800 to deny rights to a slave because of their skin color despite it being legal, it is wrong to SPLIT innocent IVF children and family. Crimes have occurred because no prevailing laws allows the current scenario. What action has been taken against the people responsible for the hate crimes against innocent IVF children and family?

Bullying and intimidating an IVF father and his IVF children is not the right answer, passing equal rights for IVF children and families is the right answer. When one has been left to die but they survive, a new beginning dawns. For us, it is to legalize our IVF children because they are living human beings who deserve their basic human rights and child rights.

Effects of Secrecy and Lies

There are long ranging effects of secrecy and lies especially ones that breaks the laws. Gandhiji was proud to call himself as the “God’s Eunuch for the nation” and it is fitting that 67 years after independence that Gandhiji fought for, the Indian Supreme Court has given rights to Eunuchs. It is good to see the progress for the third gender when Indian secrecy-lies-closet-ivfSupreme Court recognized the rights of the “third gender”. This proves two things – 1) Third gender exists and its not a myth and its just a matter of time before others also follow like the US, UK, etc. (2) The rights of third gender did not exist before now and when will there be rights for spouse and innocent children of a third gender marriage who are equally affected by the lack of laws. What about the rights of a spouse and innocent children of a third gender marriage? Is the lack of laws adversely affecting the individual who third gender and also the spouse and children of a third gender marriage? What if a spouse and children have given the human rights to a third gender person which the court has only done now, do the spouse and children also have human rights and who protects them? An individual can be a great parent while they may be the worst criminal – two roles, same individual. Ariel Castro, the infamous father who apparently was a great parent but had abducted and tortured innocent girls including some knew his own children. No one could believe that Ariel Castro was the same person as depicted in the news or as facts started pouring out. A life of secrecy and lies is very troubling for anyone. It is one thing to abuse an adult but to abuse an innocent child leaving them in legal limbo is whole another issue and the truth has to come out to get justice for innocent children. If a mother stays silent through the abuse, is the best solution to split her children because she failed to report the abuse? Is that creating more victims and punishing the innocent? At the end of the day, parent-child relationship is a matter of heart between two individuals and not what the law or court thinks. US laws do not recognize parents of IVF children who do not have a genetic link as parents, does that mean its true?

If one has lied about their marriage, then how can they ask for justice when they wake up?  If one has lied about their child having been born naturally when in fact it is through IVF, how can one ask for justice when they wake up? If one has stayed silent about their second IVF child and when that child gets abandoned, how can one ask for rights of the innocent abandoned child? If one has stayed silent through the abuse, criminal acts, breaking the laws, then how can one expect justice when they wake up? If a rape victim or a sexual abuse victim reports the facts after years of trauma and abuse, does that mean it didn’t occur even if statute of limitations may have passed? The effects of secrecy and lying are long-term and they stay with the victim forever. No amount of apologies even from a Pope may be enough. Acceptance of facts is the FIRST thing because first there was the crime which followed by years of denial and persecution of victims. Victims of white collar crime like victims of Bernie Madoff or other fraud victims or victims of sexual abuse from clergy are same as victims of an international, intersex, immigrant, IVF fraud. There is no objection to intersex or immigrant or IVF, it happens that this triple whammy has no laws and when someone frauds innocent IVF siblings of growing up together, the facts have to be stated for two main reasons – 1) Change the laws so other immigrant, or IVF, or intersex families don’t have to use secrecy and lies and victimize innocents. (2) Two innocent IVF siblings deserve better than being punished in legal limbo for crimes they did not commit.

Lying about an intersex marriage as an heterosexual marriage is ignoring the facts, especially when intersex marriages are illegal but heterosexual marriages are not. An illegal marriage affects both spouses – intersex spouse and the non-intersex spouse.  Further, other intersex people still cannot legally marry if they want to be honest. A life of dishonesty leads to other issues including adversely creating innocent victims out of others.

Calling an intersex surgery as “removal of ovaries” is ignoring the facts, especially when other intersex people have to move court to get the same surgery done while if one lies, they get away with it including the insurance fraud since insurance does not cover such surgeries.

If one were honest about an intersex surgery, it would have allowed to know that it is torture and very traumatic and as per the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture, it should be stopped. However, it requires one to be honest first. There is no doubt it is torturous being a first-hand witness as a spouse caregiver of intersex, what is it for the spouse and child of an intersex marriage recovering from intersex surgery in silence?

Infertile people in the US cannot legally bring a child born outside the US without a “genetic link”, so they may “marry fraudulently with a fertile person” or steal a child or kidnap a child or abandon one IVF child in a foreign land while abducting their IVF Sibling in another country. Isn’t it better to ask for equal rights instead? Why victimize and punish innocent children? Why be an Ariel Castro?

A life of lies cannot be lived forever. A life of white collar crimes cannot be lived forever. A life of alienating innocent siblings cannot be lived forever. It is time for change but with honesty. Giving human rights to others in the privacy of your own four walls is not advisable especially when intersex people lack basic human rights like marriage rights, fertility rights, immigration rights, etc. Instead we continue our struggle to give the same human rights to all but do it so publicly because that’s how our society works.  Don’t try this at home, kids! seriously or the biggest victims will be your innocent, voiceless kids.

Best Interest of the Child

Divorces happen. They are horrible especially from the perspective of the children. Yet it may be the best thing possible for the two adults who simply divorce-ivf-best-interest-of-childcannot get along. There is no blaming, there is just moving on including the “best interest of the child“? Immigrant, intersex, infertile people deserve human rights. Exactly how many other people’s human rights have to be violated AND how many laws have to be broken for them to have a child at any and all costs? If parents of intersex are ONLY thinking about the best interest of their child, is it OK for an IVF parent to ask for equal rights for his IVF children and all other IVF children? Secrecy and lies do not help anyone especially the victims of silent abuse – certainly does not bring about any change in laws and the lack of laws continues to foster an environment for people to be forced into secrecy, lies, cheating, fraud, breaking the laws for selfish, ulterior motives and not “best interest of the child”.

Despite what the conventional wisdom says, the best interest of the child is TRUTH – ask any intersex child. For decades the conventional wisdom to treat intersex children was a concealment based approach involving a big conspiracy to lie, secrecy, fraud documentation, illegal surgeries and so on. Now the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture has called for stop to these intersex surgeries, any conventional wisdom to day says TRUTH is better than decades of secrecy and lying, fraud medical records are a crime. Same applies to IVF children – TRUTH. If its trauma for intersex children, what is it for spouse and IVF children in an intersex marriage as these traumatic changes occur?

If a divorce occurs, what is the most important issue if children are involved?

If a divorce occurs, will innocent, voiceless IVF siblings be split?

If a divorce occurs, do two innocent lives deserve to be punished for crimes they did not commit?

If a divorce occurs, it is not about who is the better parent? Is it about what parent can set a better example in the child’s best interest?

If a divorce is granted between two genetic males in 2009 in Texas, it is legal? Will the child be raised to respect laws? And is it better to change the laws or break the laws?

Intersex people cannot legally marry nor can have children, will the child be raised to fight for equal rights or break the laws and silence everyone and abusing them?

Will the child be raised with values of compassion, love, respect for laws, humanity, a positive contributor to society, truth? Or will he be forced into a secret life of lies, fraud, breaking the laws, constricting freedom?

Is it a crime to provide human rights to intersex, infertile people within the four walls of your home where the laws and government itself fall short?

Will the child be raised as a man who respects women including infant baby girls who do not deserve to be abandoned?

Will the child be raised as a man who respects intersex people?

Will the child be raised as a man who respects diversity?

Will the child be raised as a man who shows love for family?

Will the child be raised as a man to step in as a primary care provider for a child while the spouse is under medical treatment for surgeries and unable to dispense duties as a “traditional, stereotype” mother.

Will the child be raised as a man to be anti-stereotype in silence and entailing abuse multiple times as an individual, a spouse, a parent and watch his innocent child be abused?

Will the child be raised with honesty and truth to ask for equal rights for IVF children and families or will the truth be hidden from him?

Will the child be raised to ask for equal rights for abandoned IVF children?

Will the child be raised to be a family caregiver if and when the need arises?

Will the child be raised to have the courage and strength to not die with faced with trauma after trauma after trauma with abuse after abuse after abuse?

Will the child be raised to have faith in the system where truth prevails and while justice may be delayed but it will not be denied?

Will the child be raised to respect laws?

To abandon a child to get another child, to abandon a sister to get her brother, to violate the most basic rights of the most vulnerable is not the pathway to good parenting. It is a crime against humanity from the perspective of the child. It is worth fighting for.

Houston, We Have Nothing

There was the Apollo mission and then there is the international IVF by a binational immigrant mission and we Love-Honesty-Truth-Respect-Nothinghave NOTHING. One does IVF (in vitro fertilization) due to infertility or dysfertility. And a trace do it for “cosmetic” reasons. Maybe the notion of having a baby is more important than actually caring for a baby. Regardless of why one does IVF, the chances of success are pegged at 33%, the medical treatment is not easily affordable and therefore not easily accessible by all who need it, and the end objective is to be blessed with a baby. The point is there is careful planning, deliberate sacrifices, and lot of struggles to get to the final stage when the baby arrives. So what does one do when the IVF baby is born into our wonderful world?

We Have Nothing?

In hindsight, when one embarks on international IVF as a binational immigrant, the first thing to strike you is NOT the money, NOT the sacrifices, NOT the distance, NOT the remote logistics, NOT the so many “what ifs”, NOT the trauma and anxiety and uncertainty, NOT the secrecy and lying, it should be the LAWS. Which by the way are non-existant for IVF children born of binational immigrants. Rather one embarks as a human being due to love, honesty, truth and respect.

Love : A deep loving bond has to exist in order for two people to commit to have an IVF child remotely in another country and agree to raise the IVF child together.

Honesty : There is honesty between two people who know the facts as to who is the biological parent of the IVF child – something required by law. Or else one would need to adopt – again something required by law. The honesty also entails a pact between two people that the IVF child shall remain with the biological parent at all times.

Truth : There is truth between two people to abide by the prevailing laws especially when transfer of a human being (the IVF child) is concerned across international boundaries which requires legal paperwork including a valid passport and visa. There is an agreement between two people to show up in a foreign country when the IVF child is born and return to the resident country with the IVF child and raise the two siblings together.

Respect : There is respect for the infertile person that despite their condition which is naturally occurring meaning it is NOT in their control.

There are lot of undeclared points between two people which are NOT on a legal contract. Does that mean LAWS have NOT been broken? Does that mean other binational immigrants who choose to do international IVF can successfully bring an IVF child born outside the US to the US? In order for that to happen, laws will have to CHANGE. For now, all we have is love, honesty, truth and respect to show. Or is that NOTHING? 

The IVF children

It is one thing to hate your spouse. That is nothing uncommon, just ask several of the married and divorced people including heterosexuals, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender, intersex (GLBTI). It is completely separate to DENY a child their rights, to DENY a legal identity to an innocent child, to DENY siblings a chance to grow up together as was planned and agreed upon, to DENY a son his loving father’s affection. It is about time to speak up against the heinous and torturous situation for the sake of the IVF children, if not NOW then when? What did the secrecy and lying achieve? Had the Apollo astronauts not said the now famous words, “Houston, we have a problem”, how could the ground staff and the crew have manged to work together to get out of a less than “sticky and messy” situation? Only truth is the way to move forward or we have NOTHING.

Challenge : If the intersex person is so sure about having done the right thing, the challenge is to make it repeatable. Find one person out of 7 billion in the world willing to go through the same thing. And will make the challenge little easier, one can start with saying the truth instead of secrecy and lying. If you find such a person, the good news is you will have another child and there will be a “sibling to grow up with” for the older child. If not, the answer is we have NOTHING.

Marching Ahead

Practice what you preach. This case is “reverse”  in every sense of the way where the father has stepped out of the stereotype in every way possible. So first practice and then preach.

The proud IVF father understands the reasons why an infertile person would lie at any cost to have a child. In fact, he considers himself lucky that he has been left alive, there are cases where infertile people have murdered fertile people to take away their child. After living with love, honesty, truth, respect, the proud IVF father has got NOTHING. He understands the right answer is to get LAWS passed so people do not have the need to lie or break the laws. And that’s where he is focused now, to get EQUAL rights for IVF children and families. It will benefit him and his IVF children and the millions of other IVF children born and yet to be born.

The principles of love, honesty, truth, and respect have NOT changed. The mission has. The mission for Apollo 11 was to land on the moon which CHANGED unexpectedly to a rescue mission to just safely land on earth and be with family. The proud IVF father is just wanting to live “normally” with truth and honesty with family on earth. Do we have something or nothing?