Tag Archives: gay

How to Steal an IVF Child?

Its 2009. Its been 31 years since IVF was invented but we still lack laws where laws have simply not caught up with technology, for how long this must continue? Are there innocent victims? Its considered a boon for people with fertility issues. The way nature works is you need sperm, egg andit-could-have-been-you a womb to have a child – pure science, no offense. What if you have neither? A straight married couple may have egg, sperm and womb or have a fertility issue with any one or more of the needed things. A lesbian couple may just need the sperm much like a single mother wanna be. A gay couple would need both an egg and a womb like a single father wanna be. An intersex person would need all three – egg, womb and sperm. So if you are intersex in the 2000s where there are no equal rights for intersex or infertile people, do you break the laws and steal a child or do you change the laws? What about the innocent child, what do they want or that does not matter? The child’s best interest is the least of anyone’s concern, right?

Anyone who believes no CRIME has been committed should have the strength and courage to say that while looking into my IVF daughter innocent big brown eyes. The US usually is the “go-to” country in the world when it comes to upholding truth, human rights and justice. In this rarest of rarest cases, it has fell short because someone decided to manipulate the legal system for their selfish advantage. Is there room for correction in the best interest of the children before their TWO lovely innocent childhoods expire?

Wrongful conviction and lost decades can never be restored or replaced by any number of apologies. Lost innocent childhoods – not one but two cannot be restored. Infertility is very traumatic but to continue that trauma onto innocent IVF children is far worse. No number of apologies can replace or restore the lost childhoods, the hugs, the kisses, the fights, the anger, the frustration, the love, the everlasting bond, the bond that will exist long after their parents are gone from this world. It is about the innocent kids, right? Or is it about our ego? Surely there must be a better way to get a child like maybe asking for change in laws so that “a genetic link” is not required. If the laws were equal or neutral, however you want to see it, my two lovely, beautiful innocent IVF children would not have been SPLIT and wrongfully convicted of growing up separately. Because an infertile person then would not have the need to lie, cheat, fraud, break the laws, instead just be treated equally and so they would also treat other people including innocent children equally. The root cause is lack of laws, lack of equality so lets fix that so such heinous issues NEVER occur again. Banning IVF, banning immigration, banning intersex marriages, banning whatever is not the answer, accepting the facts and truth and moving forward is the right answer.

What if you are intersex and while it is traumatic, is there any trauma for a spouse and children of an intersex marriage? Is there an “I” in infertility when dealing with it during a marriage? Legally, intersex marriages are not recognized so there cannot be a “child of the marriage”. Plus as per laws, an IVF child is considered as “child born out of wedlock” as if it were an infidelity. Biologically you are infertile, meaning cannot have a genetic link with any child despite the facts that you have fraudulent documents to show otherwise and despite the fact that the laws require a “genetic link” to be proven by DNA. So how does an infertile US person get a child where laws require a genetic link?

Step 1 : Have one child through IVF and lie, cheat, fraud, abuse, torture, break the laws, become a criminal to “must-have” an innocent IVF child.

Step 2 : Force the spouse to lie, live in secrecy, abuse under threats and not report on the crimes and abuse while pretending everything is normal.

Step 3 : When the fraud marriage falls apart, not because of intersex, not because of IVF, but because of lies, secrecy, abuse, silence, threats, fraud, the fear of losing a child sets in. The fact that laws require a “genetic link” between a parent and child sets in. How will one get a child?

Step 4 : Being an intelligent person, come up with a heinous and pre-meditated plan to SPLIT innocent children. Create a DECOY by consenting for a second IVF child with NO intent of ever bringing the second child over.

Step 5 : The laws are different for different people or known as discrimination. Through savagery and intelligent lawyering and legal manouevering use the anti-IVF laws against innocent IVF children. As per laws, an immigrant father can only bring a child born outside the US along with the “mother” while an immigrant mother does not need a “father” to bring a child. Why this discrimination and more importantly, this takes special relevance in IVF cases. A DNA test assuring a “genetic link” is needed in either case to rule out any maternity or paternity fraud.  The US government will definitely catch up but in the meantime people are taking undue advantage and placing innocent children’s lives at risk in the thirst to have a child at any cost.

Step 6 : File for divorce in the US without declaring the ongoing IVF pregnancy in India, never come to India when the IVF child is born thus leaving the innocent IVF child stranded as per laws an immigrant IVF father cannot bring a child born outside the US  by himself – his gender gets in the way much like how gay fathers or single fathers would feel.

Step 7 : The innocent IVF father is tugged in both directions and is placed in a heinous position that no parent should ever have to face – choose a child much like Sophie’s Choice – the Nazi Holocaust movie. The IVF father runs to the infant daughter and therefore the facts are not stated in the US court and NO DUE PROCESS is afforded to either the IVF father or his IVF children. It is lucky to have survived and be alive thanks to the love and support of a family.

Step 8 : Alienate, brainwash the innocent IVF son in the US while his loving IVF father is living in exile in India raising his IVF sister. The other option is to ALSO abandon the IVF daughter at an orphanage and continue to live in the US and enjoy raising his IVF son. How can you be a good role model to your son – teach him to lie, cheat, fraud, break the laws, violate others human rights or when inequality exists do you petition the government for change in laws with truth, facts, compassion and love for fellow human beings?

When an IVF parent speaks up, they are not the only ones who are victimized, there are others too. The issues of rights of IVF children are separate than rights of IVF parents. In the future, there will be equal intersex rights, equal IVF children and family rights, equal immigration rights BUT abandoning an innocent child will still be a CRIME.

Have a child, love a child but surely there must be better ways than to SPLIT the child from his siblings and loving family or NOT getting him into legal limbo? What does the innocent child WANT? Does he have rights? Does the abandoned IVF child have rights? Who pays the commercial surrogate when an intended parent abandons the surrogacy? What are the rights of the surrogate?

What’s Next – Human Cloning for Personal Benefit?

IVF is very much a bioethics issue. If a person needs a heart or liver or kidney, will they just create a clone, rip out the needed organ from the clone and leave the clone to its situation. It is true that a clone also needs a heart or kidney or liver to survive and live or where they just a “spare parts factory” made alive by the awesome invention of technology? Does the clone have rights as a human being?

If an infertile person needs a child, can they just have an IVF child through donor DNA and surrogate womb, decide to change their mind and not want the IVF child and just abandon the IVF child with no responsibility or accountability either for the innocent IVF child OR the surrogate. Does the IVF child have any rights as a human being once born or where they just a “baby factory” brought to life by the awesome invention of technology? What about the right of the surrogate?

With any technology, we need checks and balance. Do we have the appropriate checks and balance to protect the rights of innocent IVF children and families including donors and surrogates? Are we asking the right questions?

Is the term, “mother language” dated?

Most children grow up in traditional families – but then again what is a traditional family? Who decides and who defines? There are single parents, there mother language internationalare adoptive parents, there are blended marriages, list goes on. February 21 is designated as the International Mother Language Day by the UN. Recently a bill was introduced in the US Congress to recognize the same. What does exactly “mother language” refer to? Is it the “language” the primary caregiver of an infant speaks and so that it is the first language the child picks up?  When two males raise a child together, what is the “mother language”? OR when a single father raises a child, what is the “mother language”? How will the child feel who is raised by two males or a single father as to what is his “mother language” with NO mother around?

It’s 2014 and it is disconcerting to see that an organization like UN which on one hand promotes gay rights meaning gays can be loving parents BUT also promotes “mother” language day which is a contradiction. In 2014, it is disconcerting to see language like “mother language” being used in legal bills because it can have unintended consequences like the lack of laws for IVF children and families based on biology and gender.

No one is against the multiculturalism and the intent the International “mother language” is trying to promote. But it is the words which are being used in 2014 is discriminating rights of others. Laws have far reaching consequences and the language used has to be practical and equal. Should we call it “primary caregiver language” day or “father language day” or “blended family language day” or ….? We may not know the right answer right away but if we put our minds into it, we can certainly come up with wordings which are INCLUSIVE and not derogatory. Maybe “Language Day” or “Parent Language Day” or “Primary Language Day”. Let us get back to the business of celebrating the multiculturalism and the rich, different languages without offending anyone and being more practical with the changing world around us.

The Fertility Wars

To the ones who pontificate on infertility or dysfertility, if you have done the deeds then you will know the needs of an infertile or honesty-lies-ivfdysfertile family.

Wars have always been fought amongst humans. There is a fertility war going on right now where lack of laws leads people to do things which is hurting innocent children. What is better – to give a life or diminish a life? By placing innocent children in legal limbo it is attacking their basic human dignity and respect. It is a crime against humanity from the innocent child’s perspective because people with no legal identity have no legal rights – they are legally invisible yet have to survive physically in this same world.

Just like any other war, there are wounds, scars, destruction of lives, innocent children who are voiceless victims, the fertility wars of immigrant, IVF, intersex family in 2000s. Is it time for a change?

There are lot of ways to solve infertility but to create an IVF child and then to abandon the child is NOT a solution to fertility issues. The innocent child deserves equal respect as a human being. The compassionate surrogate who agreed to help and carry the child deserves equal respect as a human being and not to be left stranded with a child she agreed to carry for someone else.

It is one thing to have an IVF child as an infertile person but what is it to use anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-intersex laws to use against an IVF family and children who are IVF siblings?

During the baby scoop era in the US, children were taken away from their “biological mothers” because their only fault was to be born to a “single mother” which was socially unacceptable at the time. Is the same philosophy and stereotypes being repeated with IVF parents, families are being discriminated based on biology and gender of a parent to a child? Or do we have the strength and courage as a society to face the facts if not for the adults sake then at least for the sake of innocent, voiceless IVF children?

Are only women allowed to grieve and have sympathy for infertility? Or is wanting to have a child a “human” trait and a man may also want a child just as dearly? Stereotypes are just that stereotypes but they ruin lives in so many ways because laws reflect stereotypes.

What if an interracial couple in the US had a child together pre-1967, does that mean the child deserves no legal identity? Or does that mean the child deserves the love of only one parent? What if gay parents had a child pre-2013, does that mean the child deserves no legal identity? Or does that mean the child deserves the love of only one parent?

What if a gay couple have a child together in 2014 born outside the US and there is a DNA mismatch, does that mean the child deserves to be abandoned? Or does that mean the gay parents should have to give up their life in the US and live in exile with their child outside the US?

What if an infertile person wants to have a child but is born outside the US in 2014, how can they legally bring the child to the US with no genetic link?

In an infertile marriage, is it only the infertile spouse who is suffering the trauma of being childless or does it affect both spouses? Surely the fertile spouse could just leave but then given the prevailing laws, how would the left-behind infertile spouse legally have a child?

If an IVF child was born using the father’s sperm, anonymous egg donor and surrogate, and the father was the primary care provider for the child during the tender years due to ongoing medical treatment of the spouse, who is the stereotypical traditional “mother”. Between gay parents, who is the “mother”? Or do we talk about “primary care provider” to convey the same message?

Is infertility so shameful and secretive that the fertile spouse has to be forced into silence from the joy and celebration of his first born child because no one can know about the infertility in the marriage? We have to pretend that the child born is the “biological child” of both parents? If infertility is so shameful and secretive, what is it doing to the fertile spouse and their emotions? Are they humans also? Is it a crime to be born fertile?

If it is the love and character of a parent which counts and not the biology or gender than why lie or suppress facts to the courts and legal authorities? Is it because laws have not caught up yet? And is it wrong to use the inadequacy in the laws to split a primary care provider and a child?

Is the only way to have a child is to abandon another child?

Infertility is very traumatic – both for the infertile person AND the fertile spouse when infertility is dealt jointly in a marriage. The lack of laws are remnants of decades, centuries if not millenias of stereotypes. Certainly not something which can change overnight but in the meantime innocent children are being hurt. Gays will continue to have children even if laws have not caught up. Intersex families will continue to have children even if laws have not caught up. As a society, how do we address the needs of such children who may be placed in legal limbo? Is their welfare being endangered without a valid legal identity? Are the innocent children being made “legally invisible”? Is shoving them under the carpet and pretending they do not exist valuing their “human life”? As a parent, no one wants their child to be called ugly. But as an IVF parent, thats what is happening to my IVF children due to lack of laws. How dare as a fertile person I thought of having an IVF child as an immigrant, intersex spouse? Now my IVF children must be condemned and punished for this horrific crimes…really, thats our reality but is it the right reality? The right answer is to change the laws and not break the laws. The right answer is to save children and not abandon them.

Eunuch’s lies and its Domino Effects

It is one thing to have anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-intersex laws but to use them to split innocent IVF brother and sister and place them in domino effect of lies IVF childrenlegal limbo is a heinous crime against the children. As a parent, an adult would go through anything for a child including abuse but to have the same abuse repeated on your children, will you stand by quietly or will you speak up for their rights? Every human being deserves a child but the reproductive rights and laws are discriminatory, is that an individual’s issue or the government? Every child deserves equal rights including IVF children but the laws are discriminatory, is that an IVF parent’s issue or the government’s issue to resolve? As a binational immigrant, intersex, IVF family – is that our issue or the lack of laws issues is for the governments? As a young, male, spouse caregiver of Eunuch and being a binational, immigrant IVF father, is it wrong to deal with trauma after trauma after trauma after trauma (domino effects) in dealing with the issues (lack of laws) of a Eunuch family? We start our journey in India because that’s where it all began – marriage to an Eunuch, IVF children born in India to Eunuch marriage and the lies of a Eunuch resulting in making everyone else in the family effectively living neither here nor there. Thanks to the love and support of the family that we are still alive and have an opportunity to speak the truth. We seek inspiration from people like Rosa Parks, Susan Anthony, Edie Windsor, Tony Briffa, Jaclyn Schultz (Miss Michigan 2013), Nina Davuluri (Miss America 2013) who have the strength and courage to speak the truth and allow people to accept who they are and not use a continuing web of secrecy and lies which violates rights of other people. If an Eunuch deserves compassion, does an innocent IVF child deserve compassion?

India has long recognized Eunuchs legally, the third gender. Other countries like Nepal, Australia, New Zealand and several other Asian countries do so also. Germany, the first “western” country started offering the third gender. Non-conforming to the binary gender provides an opportunity for people to be HONEST and not be forced to lie whether they are male or female. This provides an opportunity to address real concerns of an Eunuch family – like being able to have children legally.

  • We have the first IVF child born in a Eunuch family in India and quite possibly the world – instead of celebrating, we are living in secrecy and lies.
  • We have the first IVF sibling in a Eunuch family – instead of celebrating and providing the love of a sibling to an IVF brother, we are living in secrecy and lies.
  • Given the prevailing laws, could an Eunuch have gained custody of an international IVF child without violating any laws? Could this have been achieved without abandoning another IVF sibling and denying them the due process? Is it a crime against humanity from the child’s perspective? Did the donor and surrogate agree to share their humanity only for the IVF child to be abandoned and to be given up to an orphanage?
  • When an IVF journey results in a successful IVF child, it is a time to celebrate and announce the birth of a child and not a time to be forced into secrecy and lies to convenience someone so that they can break the laws.
  • By not stating the facts that a child is IVF, we are disrespecting the best of humanity – compassionate women like the donors and surrogates. We are also teaching innocent children to lie for personal benefit. Secrecy, lies, fraud is not a world a parent wants for their child. Instead we should be celebrating the donors and surrogates and the selfless humanity they have exhibited resulting in two wonderful IVF children for this family.
  • If only mothers are allowed to be parents, how do we explain gay parents and single fathers who equally love their children? If we can celebrate gay parenting and single fatherhood, why can’t we celebrate IVF fatherhood based on merits and facts?
  • It is one thing to lie to the court about the facts to gain custody of a child by an infertile person but does that change the facts? The DNA tests will still fail, the truth will be exposed and the lies will not stand the test of time and placing innocent children at risk of legal limbo.
  • An unemotional male as stereotyped cannot go through something like this. We can agree that different lobbies will try to malign, defame, falsely accuse, etc a binational, immigrant IVF father AND a young, male, spouse care giver of Eunuch for their political and social agendas. However, it would be impossible for an unemotional, inhumane person to actually live through this and survive to talk about it. It is about the IVF children and their rights to equality – a wish of any parent for their child to have a better world than theirs.
  • Mothers deserve all the love and praise, they sacrifice a lot for their child, they are at every beck and call of the child, for this they have to be physically available, mentally be available, emotionally be available. A person who is in depression and severe trauma on medications and under medical treatment is not a candidate for this. Instead of lying about the facts, we should be saying the truth so that NO other child has to undergo the abuse again. For the record, we did stay silent and above all took care of the innocent child as a primary care provider during these times, however we were punished for our silence and societal stereotypes were used to split the innocent child from his family and his primary care provider.
  • Medical conditions are nothing new, it is about how we handle them. We look to Angelina Jolie and Amy Robach for inspiration on dealing with life changing medical events with truth, strength and love of family and friends. Due to their celebrity and public persona they can help if only one person. What good would it do by living in secrecy and lies? Why miss a learning opportunity due to secrecy and lies? Hiding the trauma and abuse of a recovering Eunuch patient may place future innocent children and spouses at risk. The right answer is to accept the facts, wait for Eunuchs to stabilize as they undergo medical treatment and then have a child. We look forward to a world when we can discuss the issues of Eunuch surgery and its effects same as breast cancer without any secrecy, stigma and arrive at real solutions. Secrecy and lies are not the way to handle any traumatic situations.
  • Eunuchs cannot legally marry, Eunuchs cannot legally immigrate with children, Eunuchs cannot legally immigrate based on marriage. Instead of celebrating someone who has managed to achieve all this apparently without breaking any laws, we are forced into secrecy and lies. How will this help other Eunuchs and their families or are they also forced to lie and break the laws?
  • There are lots of positives to be learned from a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND a binational immigrant IVF father – instead we have to force him into secrecy and lies and defamation and false allegations. Why can’t we celebrate the values of “till death do us apart”? Instead of celebrating the fact that a person was presented with the fact he was married to an Eunuch, the spouse did not leave, went through an unprecedented Eunuch surgery, the spouse did not leave, infertility exists in an Eunuch marriage, the spouse did not leave, the male spouse became the primary care provider for his son due to the ongoing medical treatment and resulting physical and mental unavailability of the other spouse, both agreed to a second IVF child only to abandon the IVF child when born, the spouse, the biological parent did not leave the second IVF child. It is very traumatic for the Eunuch but is the trauma any less for the spouse. Thanks to the love and support of the family, miraculously the spouse is alive. Which one of the values that he exhibited are unworthy of sharing with children? Is it wrong to show love and compassion? Is it wrong to help another human being? Is it wrong to expect truth? Is it wrong to expect basic human decency and respect for your children if not equal?

The right answer is to change the laws. As you read this today or read it a 100 hundred years from now – the young, male spouse caregiver of Eunuch and a binational, immigrant IVF father had his heart in the right place and always had the bigger picture in mind – every human counts. What cannot count is the secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, torture which are human-made. An IVF father, a parent only wishes to tell his children that do not break anyone’s heart even though someone breaks your heart. I will teach you strength and courage to help yourself and ALSO help the person who broke your heart – the same thing my parents taught me. Equal rights for IVF children and families, equal caregiver rights are themes relevant today and will remain relevant till equal rights are granted – whether today or a 100 years from now.

Miss You on Missing Out

The reason an IVF brother cannot see his IVF sister or his biological family is because he is born through IVF to an immigrant, IVF father in 2000s – tooIVF-children-alienation early for our times. If he is happy growing up away from his biological family without his knowledge, could he have been HAPPIER growing up freely with his siblings, family, truth, having a valid legal identity? When love is enveloped with secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, breaking laws, criminal acts, is it love? It is not ONLY about the infertile and affluent adult but also about donors, surrogates and IVF children. Pass laws and not separate children from biological family like the baby scoop era. We miss our child on missing out :

0) Our son cannot fulfill his dream of having a sibling – journey that took 3 years, several failed IVF attempts, and 4 more unjust years and counting…

1) Our son cannot kiss or hug his sister and a sister cannot kiss or hug her brother. It is about the love.

2) Our son cannot marvel first hand at how infants are so small and how they grow up. It is about the love.

3) Our son cannot play house, or kitchen, or bath time with his sister and enjoy the awesome play juice and play snacks she makes. Siblings will fight with each other but when a third person enters, they become a team of one – typical siblings – our son misses out. It is about the love.

4) Our son cannot celebrate in sibling events like Rakhi, Bhai Duj, Siblings Day and so on. It is about the love.

5) Our son is being brainwashed and alienated from his biological family. It is about the love.

6) Our son cannot read books, ride the bike, fly kites, and so on with his siblings. It is about the love.

It is one thing to have anti-gay laws, anti-IVF laws, anti-intersex laws, anti-immigrant laws, but to use them in order to SPLIT innocent IVF siblings takes it to whole another level – certainly not the best interest of the child. And if a person did not care about the human rights of an intersex, immigrant, infertile person, would they have international IVF children as an immigrant and spouse caregiver of intersex? It is time to move on and start thinking about the future generations of IVF children and families…An IVF parent is very resilient, persistent and determined – its in their IVF DNA.

7) Our son does not have a valid legal identity to travel and so much education, exposure to his growth and development is stunted. Is it love?

8) Our son has to be lied to about his birth and the fact it is through IVF which dishonors the very basic fundamentals of humanity and compassion of people like the donor and the surrogate. Will he learn to be compassionate? Will he learn to speak the truth? Is it love?

9) When equal rights do not exist, one should not break the laws but respect the laws and demand for a change in laws. By forcing secrecy, lies, abuse, defamation, breaking the laws and forcing anyone to speak the truth to bring change is no way to teach an innocent child. Is it love?

10)  Every human being deserves a child but it needs to be done ethically, morally, and legally because no matter how good a parent you are now, one has to face their IVF child eventually with facts and love. There is no love in secrecy, lies, and breaking the laws – it is criminal. There is no love in abandoning an IVF child during pregnancy, it is criminal. There is no love in continuing to place innocent IVF children in legal limbo for personal benefit and call it love – its selfishness which is a crime as per Judge Castel.

Parent of IVF Nation

Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, Nelson Mandela are some of the biggest humanitarian pioneers and inspirations of the 20th century. Both Dr. King and gandhi-king-mandibaMandiba have admitted Gandhiji as their mentor in principle. They all taught us a singular message that when it comes to human rights – its a long war but in the end truth always prevails. Their personal family lives suffer but they are “Father of the Nation”. While Dr. King may not have been awarded this title, he certainly changed the moral compass of an entire nation and USA being one of the most powerful nations in the world, he also ended changing the moral compass of the world just like Gandhiji and Mandiba.

  • Gandhiji – Right to Freedom
  • Dr. King – Right to Vote
  • Mandiba – Right to Vote
  • IVF Parent – Right to Fertility 

To take a note out of each humanitarian:

“Become the change you want to see in this world” – Mahatma Gandhi. Similarly, can there be laws and change for fertility rights so people don’t have to break laws?

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” – Dr. King. Similarly, is injustice to IVF child/family enough to make us want reproductive laws?

“If one can be taught to hate, then they can also be taught to love.” – Madiba. Similarly, if human-made laws can split families, can new laws be enacted to keep IVF families united?

We have a dream that one day there will be equal rights for IVF children and families including straight, single, LGBTI parents. In the 21st century, we have new challenges – gay rights, immigration rights, IVF rights, reproductive rights, and so on. The British ruled India for centuries and it took Gandhiji a few decades to achieve freedom with his honest and peaceful approach. Dr. King fought for civil rights for a few decades before realizing his dream. Mandiba took a few decades to be free of apartheid. Gay rights movements have fought for decades before getting some rights in 2013. Immigration rights have made some success stories but is not complete and continues to split families. Reproductive rights, IVF rights are not even on the radar to be addressed yet. Claiming reproductive rights only belong to women is retrogressive because innocent children of LGBTI families, single parents, non-biological parents get punished because of lack of foresight in the laws. Mothers will always be mothers and no one cant take that away. By acknowledging facts where families exist with children of single male fathers or gay fathers or where fathers are primary care providers we are addressing the rights of a child and not threatening “motherhood” in any way. In the 21st century, reproductive rights need to be inclusive and be free of 20th century stereotypes.

When the peaceful and honest freedom for reproductive rights for all will be complete, we will witness the same principles of Gandhiji, Dr. King and Mandiba having won.

  • When truth will triumph over lies,
  • When love and character of a parent will count more than their gender or biology with the child,
  • When facts will triumph over traditional stereotypes,
  • When love and compassion will triumph over secrecy and lies,
  • When innocent, defenseless IVF children rights will triumph the mistakes of adults,
  • When we can honestly respect another soul’s existence like ours – meaning we all deserve equal respect and dignity regardless of caste, gender, color, race, religion, birth type (natural or IVF), birth place.

We look forward to the day when the Parents of the IVF nation will be treated equally and their intent will be taken into account. We look forward to the day when innocent, defenseless IVF children will have equal protection under law.

  • If there is a DNA mismatch in having a IVF child and the parent still wants to raise the child, there should be laws to allow that and the parent should not be forced to give up the child.
  • If an infertile parent who cannot have a “biological link” with a child, there should be laws to still allow them to immigrate with a “non-biological” child instead of breaking the laws.
  • If a gay parent or single parent wants to raise a child, their gender or circumstances should not be used to punish his children to be split up growing up separately.
  • If a parent carries her IVF child to term but with donor egg and sperm and therefore “no biological link” with the child, there  should be laws to still allow them to immigrate as a “mother”.

The Few, The Proud, The IVFhood

We pay homage and respect to the ultimate pillar of humanity of our times, Nelson Mandela. As millions and possibly billions who have been inspired by him, we continue the fight for equal human rights for all including innocent, defenseless, voiceless IVF children.

In each struggle, numbers count. Sadly, thats our system. Too often as humans in a democracy, we feel we are just a “statistic”. Then there is the mandelaIVFhood. The IVFhood consists of a large IVF ecosystem including the IVF child, donors, surrogates, intended parents, doctors, staff, etc. IVFhood is like being in a marathon where everyone is cheering you on but only the runner knows the truth and has the courage to get to the finish line. Most people do not even know what IVF families go through and what it takes to be part of the IVFhood. All IVF parents are very strong, persistent and determined possibly overcoming several personal, emotional, financial, legal and other struggles. Some who are lucky are blessed with an IVF child, some are not as lucky. Every IVF journey is unique and every IVF parent has an unique story on how they got there and got through with or without an IVF child. We are not just a “statistic”, we are real people with real needs and concerns. We are not asking the government to give every human being a child, we are asking for equal rights so that every IVF child is EQUAL. As an IVF parent, it is one thing to be discriminated against their reproductive rights but to use biology and/or gender of a parent to discriminate against an innocent IVF child takes it to whole another level. It is one thing to stand by quietly when an adult is discriminated and abused but can any parent standby quietly when it is their child being discriminated and abused? We need education and spreading awareness, not secrecy and lies. Let us go through some statistics.

  • As per CDC, 1 in 6 couples (about 15%) experience fertility issues. This does not account for singles or LGBTI couples where 100% need some sort of fertility assistance.
  • As per CDC, about 1% of child births were through IVF. As of 2013, in about 35 years since IVF’s inception, 5 million babies have been delivered via IVF. This number is expected to grow widely in the coming years especially now that “same-sex” marriages are being legalized.
  • With better IVF techniques and increasing demand, the IVF “success ratio” will be optimized resulting in birth of more IVF children and the “numbers” will grow in size.
  • With increasing medical tourism and affordability being a significant factor in IVF rather than just infertility or dysfertility, more IVF children may be born internationally requiring appropriate immigration laws.

The current laws for immigration simply do not go far enough and inadvertently puts innocent IVF children in legal limbo. Why? Are they not human beings who deserve “basic human dignity and respect” if not equal rights?

  • When an innocent child has no legal identity due to no fault of theirs other than to be born via IVF, is it discrimination based on “birth type”? Its the inadvertent effect of lack of laws and is this the kind of society at we want to leave our children with?
  • What are the rights of an IVF child and surrogate when a divorce occurs during an ongoing IVF pregnancy? Does the “intent” of having an IVF child have any significance?
  • If its a crime to abandon an infant, should it be a crime to abandon an IVF child with no accountability or responsibility for the IVF child?
  • When human errors occur due to accidents where samples get swapped and resulting in a DNA mismatch leading to lack of immigration laws for the IVF child, should the IVF child be abandoned, forced to be given up for adoption, or should the intended parents be forced to live in exile outside their home country because their IVF child cannot immigrate with them or should they break the laws and get the IVF child illegally to their resident country?
  • Does a child in legal limbo have any legal rights? Is there a difference when a child is placed in this situation due to no one’s fault Vs. deliberate actions of another human being.
  • The basic question is why are we creating IVF children without proper protection and ensuring their basic human rights if not equal rights? Every human being deserves the right to have a child – fertile or dysfertile or infertile, straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, single – but are the laws reflective of this?

Innovation can only occur when you can breathe free, challenge the government, challenge your teachers, challenge religious leaderssaid US Vice President Joe Biden.

A parent who is poor loves their child just as dearly even though they may not be able to afford education, or a parent who is gay or lesbian loves their child just as dearly even thought they may need to legally adopt or go for IVF or an immigrant parent loves their child just as dearly who may be separated from their child due to immigration laws or an IVF parent loves their IVF child just as dearly, then why SPLIT them in certain cases? We do not need the government to show a parent how to love, we need the government to have laws so that there is an equal playing field. The lack of laws is creating such a desperate situation where IVF parents are forced to just ask for BASIC rights to respect their IVF child as a human being and not even EQUAL rights. It is reminescent of past social justice revolutions like women suffrage, civil rights, apartheid, gay rights where initially one asks for basic human respect and dignity and then equality.

The Link Between Scottsboro Boys and Fertility Rights

The recent news of the “Scottsboro boys” being posthumously pardoned is more symbolic and should be celebrated because we as a society are acceptingfertility rights - ivf our “wrongs” even if too late. It takes great courage. Although the wrongful convictions will not get their lives back or what could have been of being able to have a family, a child, respect and dignity and above all being allowed to LIVE as a HUMAN BEING. The question to answer just like Alabama did by pardoning the last of “Scottsboro boys” even if posthumously is to be on the “right side of history“. Much like in the case of “Scottsboro boys”, the prevailing false stereotypes ingrained in people and the system that failed them, most people do not realize the mistake until it happens to “them”. Fertility affects about 15% of the population, so we are faced with similar false stereotypes and are held hostage until change arrives.

Is history repeating itself in wrongfully abusing others? That was 1933 and now it is 2013. The spirit in which this is written is looking forward, what will be the state of fertility rights in 2084? It is a fact that an infertile human being cannot bring a child born outside the US legally to the US because US laws requires a “biological link” as established by DNA (only sperm and egg counts, carrying a child in your womb does not count) between parent-child. Sadly due to the infertility, they cannot have a “biological child”. Then how does a person who is infertile or intersex or gay or lesbian or straight who cannot have a “biological link” to the child supposed to have a child legally? The right answer is change the laws and not break the laws and we need fertility rights. While the “Scottsboro boys” did not get justice while alive, they have been credited with great strides in the civil rights movement. For example, inclusion of African Americans on juries and adequate legal representation for fair justice and due process.

In a case of immigrant, IVF parent, spouse caregiver of intersex, was a similar person allowed to be on the “jury”, was adequate legal representation provided to ensure due process and fair justice? Or was the truth suppressed to fit the need of the hour?  Does the “average” person understand the life of an immigrant, IVF parent and a spouse caregiver of intersex and the related secrecy, lies and lack of laws and its effects? The secrecy and shame are the biggest culprits. The rights of an innocent child are tightly coupled with the rights of a parent. Is it wrong for an IVF, immigrant father to want children? Or should he be forced and ALSO by association his IVF children be forced to live secretly and become invisible like the “Scottsboro boys”? The link between racism and reproductive rights is to deny the truth and thereby the rights of innocents and making them “legally invisible” only furthering the crimes of continued secrecy, lies and false allegations.

In our zeal to provide a child to an infertile adult, have we forgotten about the rights of an innocent, voiceless IVF child? We have defamation, false allegations, rampant breaking of the laws, abuse and victimization of innocents, intimidation, secrecy, lies and WORST, denial of basic human dignity and respect of innocent IVF children. Welcome to 2004 – lack of fertility rights and waiting for justice…

  • It is a fact that an intersex marriage is illegal – so change the laws but do not break the laws and victimize unsuspecting human beings.
  • It is a fact that intersex person is infertile and cannot have a biological child legally – so change the laws but do not falsely accuse others and victimize innocent children and break the laws. As per CDC, 1 in 6 couples is infertile – how is the “couple” defined – only heterosexual couples? Are LGBTI, single parents included in this “statistic”? Do they deserve fertility rights as human beings?
  • It is a fact that intersex person cannot immigrate based on “marriage” – so change the laws like Edie Windsor did by helping strike down DOMA but do not break the laws and victimize others.
  • It is a fact that caregivers have no rights and further caregivers of LGBTI have no rights at all until recently because they have to live “invisibly and secretly” – so change the laws. There are 65.7 Million family caregivers in the US – are LGBTI caregivers included in this “statistic”?

If a caregiver claims they lost their career, social life, their children, financial resources, etc. because of family caregiving duties – it is OK to glaze over. But if a paid caregiver slips on the floor, they can file for worker’s compensation. How is that equal and fair? As a society we need to encourage family caregivers because it can do wonders for patients but we also need to protect the rights of the caregivers. Or do we want a society where everything is “legal” including the family caregiving relationship?

Somehow discriminating innocent people in the name of “best interest of the child” has become the norm. We look forward to the day when every person is first seen as a HUMAN BEING and then a male or female or intersex or straight or gay or lesbian or black or Asian or white or Hindu or Christian or Muslim and the endless segregation and segmentation we bring in our society to justify “human rights”. The basic human right we need is to recognize every person first as a HUMAN BEING – then everything else.

Our heart goes out to the “Scottsboro boys” in what could have been – the years lost, the lives torn, the wrongful defamation, the loss of basic respect and dignity, the loss of family, the loss of listening to crackling laughter of a child, the loss of lifting your child up in the air, the loss of a child kissing their loving parent, the loss of playing and reading with your child, the loss of seeing your child having a better world than you did, and on and on. The BIGGEST loss is despite the false allegations, false convictions, and loss of several human rights, the innocent had NO shot at justice or to be heard FAIRLY. That breaks a HUMAN BEING down like nothing else can. We salute them for their courage, strength and beliefs forever.

Infertility is very traumatic but does that justify placing innocent, voiceless IVF children in legal limbo? How can you ensure “legal rights” to a person who has “no legal identity”? In many ways, the IVF children and families are invisible like the “Scottsboro boys” – deprived and made invisible.

Offending IVF Parents and Families

“Let’s NOT OFFEND, let’s GO FEND our basic human emotion for a child.”Equal IVF Child Rights Tshirt

As a culture we are beginning to become more constructive of others from civil rights, interracial marriages, gay rights, women rights, fertility rights. The word, “tolerance” was not used purposefully because as a society we need to look at situations positively rather than “tolerating” someone for who they are. Too often, infertile or dysfertile parents are offended by others for well, just being them. Somehow as a society we have “normalized” and numbed ourselves with how we treat (discrimination) infertile or dysfertile families and children born out of fertility treatments like IVF.

To be clear:

  1. It is NOT OK to ask someone about the fertility issues even in the best of intent. If the person feels comfortable with you, they will confide.
  2. It is NOT OK to say have you tried adoption instead of IVF? There are so many kids in the world who could use adoption. It shows lack of ground realities and the stringent adoption laws which may make it impossible for some folks to adopt – like single fathers, gays, intersex, age of married couple, etc. Adoption laws are based on archaic stereotypes and not the ground reality of 21st century where love of a parent counts and not their biology, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Most of us when we wake up every morning would like to solve world hunger but still there are millions who go to bed every night hungry. Why? Making ignorant statements like have you tried adoption instead of IVF is like have you solved world hunger because it does not capture the complexities and the ground realities.
  3. It is NOT OK to say well thats how nature made you and should remain childless. Every human has a right to life including innocent IVF children.
  4. It is NOT OK to have situations where innocent, voiceless IVF children are placed in legal limbo due to no fault of their own and simply due to lack of laws. Each infertility journey is unique in its own way and every infertile or dysfertile parent is very strong to have overcome with or without a child. Wanting a child is a basic human emotion – CANNOT DENY that. When an infertile or dysfertile parent is blessed with a child, they have already traveled a long journey only about to begin on another long journey of love and affection with the child.

To be clear:

  1. It is OFFENSIVE to separate an IVF child from a parent and saying “that’s the law”. Laws are made for our society by the people, of the people and for the people – change the laws with changing ground realities.
  2. It is OFFENSIVE to treat an IVF child like property or an asset to have them abandoned or given up for adoption due to a DNA mismatch or a parent abandoning the IVF pregnancy. Again, change the laws to provide relief for these exceptions.
  3. It is OFFENSIVE to use language like “illegitimate child born out of wedlock” when defining legal parent-child relationship between IVF child and parent. Ask any IVF parent and they will tell you, their IVF child is NOT “illegitimate”.
  4. It is OFFENSIVE to have your IVF child treated with NO legal identity, NO legal rights, and worse protection to their human and child rights than cats and dogs as pets.
  5. It is OFFENSIVE to say to an IVF parent with an IVF child in legal limbo that “you should have known better” or “you deserve it”. Does the innocent IVF child deserve it? Did the innocent IVF child know any better or asked to be born? Why take out the punishment of the parent onto an innocent child?
  6. It is OFFENSIVE to take this abuse and violation of basic human rights of IVF children and families and only to be silenced when asking for change in laws. It is OFFENSIVE to have continued stereotyping in treatment of IVF children and families.

Its 2013 and its a new era. If not today, one day in the future, there will be a day when IVF children will deserve basic human respect and dignity if not equal rights. This is the NEXT social justice fight of our 21st century.

Let’s NOT OFFEND, let’s GO FEND our basic human emotion for a child. 

Intersex Awareness Day For Families

October 26 is intersex awareness day. What is intersex? Here is the medical definition of being intersex. What is the legal definition of intersex?intersex awareness day Regardless of our race, color, birth, gender, caste, religion, sexual orientation, we all have to deal with the laws. Depending on each person’s circumstances, to provide a “complete life”, one needs to understand all definitions pertaining to them. Sometimes lack of laws destroys lives like no other crimes can. As a society, we have a history with social justice issues like gay rights, interracial marriage rights, civil rights, women rights, and so on. Do intersex families have rights? If intersex causes infertility and an intersex family opts for IVF to have children, do IVF families have rights? Do IVF children have rights and deserve compassion also? While October 26 is about intersex awareness day, let us make it complete and also include the issues facing an intersex family which is reproductive rights and IVF children rights and immigration rights. Unless, we as a society think that intersex people do not deserve an equal opportunity to have a family with a spouse and children? Or we as a society think that a person who dares to have a family with an intersex person has committed such a grievous crime that not only he but also his innocent IVF children should be punished by splitting them? With gay rights movement on the upswing, will there be basic human rights if not equal rights for intersex families with IVF children? With the turn of the 20th century, there is lot of continued animosity against an immigrant, IVF father and a spouse of intersex resulting in a thousand lies, defamation and stereotyping. Our motivation is to save IVF children and get basic rights if not equal for IVF children and families of today who may also become IVF parents of tomorrow, whats your motivation for the continued animosity, secrecy and abuse? Like water, truth always finds a way – education and awareness is the right path while secrecy and lies creates only more victims including innocent children – IVF or intersex.

LGBT refers to more of a sexual orientation of a person and should be respected. As per IGLHRC, they added the “I” for intersex in LGBTI to include their human rights also although intersex is not a direct reference to sexual orientation. For most people, due to lack of awareness, they may not discern the difference between “sex” and “gender” at first shot. I was like that. It takes a few discussions and some interest in understanding the difference between “sex” and “gender”. It is ironic that laws do not make the same distinction and as a result there are more inadvertent victims. Asian countries like India, Nepal, Pakistan have long recognized the “third gender” legally and moved away from the colonial British definition of “binary gender”. While human rights may not be great in these countries overall, the fact that they give an opportunity to the “third gender” to be honest and live truthfully is liberating. Maybe in this one area, the west can learn something from the east. Australia started offering the “third gender” as a legal option in 2011 followed by New Zealand. In 2013, Germany will become the first country in Europe to offer the “third gender” as a legal option. Progressive countries like US, UK, Canada and so on are waiting but it is inevitable just like “same-sex” marriage rights eventually have to be granted.

Two things – if intersex people are either men or women, then why a legal “third gender”? Are governments like India, Nepal, Australia, New Zealand, Germany, and so on who make laws wrong or are they doing the right thing? By recognizing the “third gender” legally, is the next logical step to address other issues that specifically impacts intersex families who have lived in secrecy and in lies for years and the issues have never been addressed? A spouse of a gay person is also gay, a spouse of a lesbian person is also lesbian meaning the laws or “lack of laws” impact both individuals the same way. Do the lack of laws for intersex marriages also affect both individuals in an intersex marriage the same way? If an intersex person wants to recognize themselves as a “male”, or a “female” or a “third gender”, it is their choice. However, having no laws for addressing the specific issues of “third gender” is victimizing people. If there are laws for “male”, “female”, then why not equal laws for “third gender”? Do a spouse of intersex and children of an intersex marriage deserve equal rights? Or are their crimes so heinous in supporting an intersex person that they should be ostracized and silenced? Ironically, thats been the traditional way to deal with intersex for centuries and only now in the 21st century, we have truth and transparency. Do the spouse of intersex and children of an intersex marriage have to wait a few more centuries and be victimized before getting basic human rights, if not equal?

A spouse of intersex is not gay but from a legal perspective is treated as “gay” and the anti-gay laws are applicable to a spouse of intersex and his children. We look forward to a time when we will have equal rights for IVF children and families, equal intersex rights, and equal caregiver rights. More importantly, every human will be allowed to live with the truth and freely instead of in secrecy and lies – it is every individual’s basic human right (if not equal) regardless of their religion, race, color, caste, sexual orientation, gender, birth type (natural or IVF) – or is it?