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Coming To America for Justice for IVF Children

Little over 25 years ago, like many immigrants at the time and millions more before us over the centuries came to America – the promised land of truth, liberty and justiceBornFreeJustice-IVF It was an exciting time, on the fun side, movies like “Coming to America” was released which captured the American spirit of hard work and respect for all. On a more serious note, in 2015, it is again a very exciting time to “Coming to America” as an international IVF/Surrogacy children and family to get justice we deserve. Freedom to roam free and opportunity to be united as intended as a family. It is important to go through the process of justice because only then it can be fully understood the torture, trauma, abuse, injustice, horror of what we went through and this should NEVER occur again. If there is a country, a system not afraid of the truth, then it is America who can give us the basic human dignity and respect as human beings. It is this faith and hope in America where everyone is equal is what gives us the strength and courage to say the truth.

In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. – “A threat to justice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” and “Justice delayed is justice denied“. Our prayers are to let truth prevail and do what’s in the best interest of the innocent children.

On the positive side, if anyone looks at our case honestly and hollistically, more has been done for human rights where laws and governments fall short. If an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent helps by respecting human rights of people where laws and government itself fall short, who protects their rights? Or is it a crime to show compassion? Why is it the burden of innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and parent to give rights to intersex, immigrant, infertile where laws itself fall short? Isn’t that what governments and laws do? We tried and ended up splitting our world apart, it is obvious it is NOT the job of individuals. Are innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and their parents human beings too equally deserving of basic human dignity and respect?

There is no doubt that intersex marriage, immigration, legal third gender, equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families will be legal someday (1,5,10,20,50 years?) which is what we have already been through in secrecy and lies but even then abandoning a child (natural born or IVF/Surrogacy born) will remain a crime. Because that’s the America I know and love. Once a child is born, regardless of their birth type, they are equal and should be deserving of justice. Ironically, good-minded people, government officials, system, etc. say things which are offensive and is a downright discrimination based on birth type but because of the “newness” don’t realize their inadvertent offensive words and/or actions. It simply shows there is a lot more work to do to educate and spread awareness and build tolerance for IVF/Surrogacy children and families. Is building families through IVF/Surrogacy a crime? Or is it so heinous that families should be forced to be split up? Or is that the laws have not caught up with technology?

America is a great land where once the social conscience is awakened, it takes action rather than persecuting the messenger. From slavery to women suffrage to civil rights to gay rights, we have great historical lessons of justice, is it time for equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families? We are coming to America for justice and freedom – something alienated and stolen from innocent IVF/Surrogacy siblings. This is a dream of an IVF parent to unite his innocent children but he is also an American and Americans don’t leave one of their own behind and nor do they ever stop fighting for truth and justice. Together we move ahead.

It’s a new dawn, 2015 is a new year. Is the world ready to embrace the ground realities and the lack of laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families? The only way forward is ahead and together. We need honesty and inclusiveness in solving complex international IVF/Surrogacy child rights and human rights issues; secrecy, lies, circumventing laws are not healthy nor are they in the best interest of the child.

International IVF/Surrogacy and The Quest for Basic Human Dignity and Respect

Let there be no doubt – we are extremely grateful to the Indian and US governments, the officials, and all the people who signed the petition and gave AskObamaModi-IVFsupport and some went beyond and above to support (you know who you are) in order to take the first steps to UNITE innocent IVF/Surrogacy children – siblings. They are innocent and they are children – they are voiceless and they deserve basic human dignity and respect. This should have NEVER happened in the first place and should NEVER happen again.  Infertility is often dealt with secrecy and lies meaning very few stories come out – does that mean the best interest of the child has been maintained? By stating the truth and petitioning the democratically elected officials for change in the best interest of the child is the right answer. If its a crime to discriminate based on race, gender, religion, birth place, gender orientation, etc, it should also be a crime to discriminate based on birth type – IVF/Surrogacy or natural. For one IVF parent, this is a lifelong fight – first for innocent IVF children and there are miles to go before one sleeps. It is one thing when the laws are playing “catch up” with technology but it is another for someone to use the loopholes to deny basic human dignity and respect to innocent, voiceless IVF/Surrogacy children. At the end of the day, this is about FREEDOM. We GAVE the world where laws itself fall short in an intersex marriage, intersex immigration, infertility, IVF and our WORLD has been taken away from us. Why is the burden of giving equal rights for an intersex, infertile, immigrant be placed on an IVF father and his children, shouldn’t it be the responsibility of the governments and laws? An IVF father and his IVF children are human beings too with equal rights and deserve justice too, right? We are fighting against TIME and its time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.

We ensure the coffee we purchase from abroad is “worker rights” approved, we ensure the clothes we purchase from abroad is “child rights” approved but abandoning an IVF/Surrogacy child abroad has NO rights? A living breathing, human being who came into this world with consent of an American. This is NOT the America I know. We have baby changing stations in public places, we have special signages for kids in public places, people stop when kids cross the road even if they are breaking the laws but NO justice for an abandoned IVF/Surrogacy child abroad? This is NOT the America I know. We can do better, we must do better for the international IVF/Surrogacy children who are human beings too and are just as valuable and equal as any other child who deserve equal rights AND justice.

Question posted on #MannKiBaat held on January 27, 2015 : Honourable Modiji and Obamaji, in the 21st century, when will we get equal rights for #‎IVF‬ children and families? As Gandhiji said, someone you both admire and respect, what can you as global world leaders do to help to become the change you want to see in this world? #‎ChildRights‬‪ #‎HumanRights‬

Become the change you want to see in this world” – Mahatma Gandhi

This was an inspiration 15 years ago when unknowingly we embarked on a journey of intersex, immigrant, IVF rights and still continues to inspire today as we seek equal rights and respect for all. Let us see some use cases of international IVF/Surrogacy and its effects. Its important to note this is not the norm and  each are unique in their own way and in the end each case was dealt separately in the best interest of the child because EVERY LIFE counts.

  • Case 1) A US Citizen single mother had used donor sperm and donor egg to have children through IVF. She is a dual citizen and carried the IVF twins to term and gave birth to them outside the US but when she approached the US Government, her innocent IVF twins were DENIED US Citizenship because as per US Immigration laws she did not have a “genetic link” rendering the innocent children “stateless”. After 4.5 years of petitioning, the US government changed its laws AND made it retroactive to allow her children to get US Citizenship. Its the right way forward and kudos to the US to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).
  • Case 2) A Canadian couple used an anonymous egg donor and surrogate in India using the husband’s sperm and had twins through IVF/Surrogacy in India but sadly one of the twins had no “genetic link” with the Canadian husband and due to prevailing Canadian Immigration laws, one of the IVF siblings could not leave India and became “stateless”. The couple took the BOLD step to moving lock, stock and barrel from Canada to India AND NEVER thought of abandoning or splitting the siblings and for 6 years continued to fight and petition their government eventually the government softening its stance to allow the “non-genetic” IVF child to immigrate to Canada. Its the right way forward and kudos to Canada to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).
  • Case 3) An Australian couple used an anonymous egg donor and surrogate in Thailand using the husband’s sperm and had twins through IVF/Surrogacy in Thailand but sadly one of the twins was born with Down’s Syndrome and the Australian couple split the siblings leaving behind one of the child while taking the other with them back to Australia. The left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child with Down’s syndrome is #babyGammy and in less than a year, the Australian government allowed #babyGammy and his surrogate to immigrate to Australia, gave them a home, car, money and an Australian citizenship with all its benefits and rights. Its the right way forward and kudos to Australia to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).
  • Case 4) An Indian couple who were living in the US as immigrants already had one IVF/Surrogacy child and wanted to provide a sibling. The IVF father using his sperm, anonymous egg donor and surrogate in India has two lovely IVF/Surrogacy children born in India and while one is in the US, the other was abandoned and left-behind in India. While the IVF father can go anywhere, the innocent IVF/Surrogacy girl child in India is rendered “stateless” leaving the IVF father to make a “Sophie’s Choice” (Oscar nominated Meryl Streep movie from 1984) between his lovely IVF son in US OR his lovely IVF daughter in India? After 5.5 years of petitioning, the Indian and US governments worked together to allow a “legal identity” for the left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child. Its the right way forward and kudos to the Indian and US governments  to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).

We look forward to UNITE innocent siblings and we want justice – which is basic human dignity and respect.

Analysis – Personal issue or laws catching up with technology issues? Is there a difference between IVF parent or IVF father and more importantly, what does the IVF child care about?

  • When the IVF children of the “dual citizen mother” in case 1 were given basic human dignity and respect, the IVF father asked for the same for his innocent children but was denied. The consequences are on the innocent IVF children and no parent wants their child to be punished for crimes they did not commit. Is it a crime to be born through IVF/Surrogacy? Or is it because the “legal parent” is a “male”? It is time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.
  • When the IVF child of the Canadian couple in case 2 was given basic human dignity and respect, the IVF father again asked for the same for his innocent children but was denied. Is it a crime to be born through IVF/Surrogacy? Or is it because the “legal parent” is a “male”? It is time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.
  • When #babyGammy in Case 3 was given Australian citizenship, rights, home, car, money, etc. and given basic human dignity and respect, the IVF father again asked for the same for his innocent children but was denied. Instead of providing rights to the child, the IVF father was asked to provide financial support (as required by laws), asked why he has been unemployed for last 5+ years outside the US (trying to save a left-behind girl child), etc. We don’t want the money, the home, the car, we just want justice and basic human dignity and respect. Why is a left-behind innocent IVF/Surrogacy girl child being discriminated based on her “legal parent’s” gender – a male? It is time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.

Having a “left-behind” male parent is rare but IVF/Surrogacy presents this situation. The question is what are the consequences and how do we MOVE FORWARD in the best interest of the child who has same needs as any other child – right to basic human dignity and respect.

This is NOT a “personal issue”, this is a child rights issue and a human rights issue and basic human dignity and respect for every human life. International IVF/Surrogacy presents some unique situations, are the laws there to protect the innocent both when the results are GOOD and BAD? Is there a check and balance? As we have seen, most IVF/Surrogacy parents (genetic or non-genetic) uphold their responsibility and accountability for the welfare of the child, what happens when they don’t? What happens when there are a few bad apples? What are the rights of the abandoned, left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child? Answers to these questions are NOT a “personal issue” but a multilateral approach by governments to make laws in the best interest of children while maintaining basic human dignity and respect for every life. In the 21st century, the laws need to get in sync with the ground realities before more innocent children are hurt.

Its time to be on the RIGHT side of HISTORY. In the future, intersex marriages will be legal and respected (like we did), infertility will be respected and legal (like we did), IVF/Surrogacy will be respected and legal (like we did), BUT ABANDONING a child (IVF or natural) is a crime today and will REMAIN A CRIME even when these other rights are bestowed. As an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and fighting for basic human dignity and respect, I have experienced abuse, offensive interactions (sometimes the other person/government not even realizing they are being offensive), discrimination, double standards, threats, intimidation, torture, etc. These have only made me stronger to fight for my innocent, voiceless children who are EQUALLY deserving of rights as a child. We did NOT get into this situation “accidentally”, we were deliberately placed here and we are ONLY beginning to DIG OUT. As a minority within a minority, we are HUMANS too, we have EQUAL RIGHTS too, or don’t we? We are fighting against TIME and its time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.

Disarming a Threat – IVF, Immigration, Intersex Issues of 21st Century

Anytime someone threatens you, it needs to be addressed. Ignoring a threat will only lead to worsening circumstances. The response must be balanced, peaceful and Intersex-Genderbread-Person-IVFin our ever increasing litigious world, it must involve others whether authorities, agencies, credible individuals, etc. You need evidence of both the threat AND your response. The primary reason is to FIRST protect yourself. Just like in the instructions in a plane, if the oxygen masks were to be deployed, first place the mask on yourself and then help others including little children. Same principle applies when you face a threat.

We are NOT here to discuss intersex, IVF, infertility. We are here to discuss when there is lack of laws to deal with intersex, IVF, infertility, do these inequities affect both the intersex person and the spouse and innocent IVF children who have also inherited the inequities? And what is the right approach? Splitting innocent IVF siblings is not right in any book whether understood today or understood decades from now. The case is so far ahead that while most of the society doesn’t even recognize intersex but tries to hide, lie and be secretive (only causing more trauma and not leading to new laws).  Are threats the right way to approach the lack of laws situation or is it better to state the truth and ask for equal rights by peacefully petitioning the government? An equitable solution is needed while respecting all including innocent IVF children. Is a person who tries to help an intersex, infertile person also a victim of same lack of laws?

A threat can be someone pointing a gun or knife at you. The idea is to either disarm the gun or knife from them OR get away from the person. Then one has to make a report so that it does NOT occur again and appropriate steps are taken to address the issue.

If someone threatens you with words and verbiage. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken.

If someone threatens you with suicide. Same principle applies, get away from the person and make a report so that appropriate steps can be taken including medical help.

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. If a person is infertile and laws require a “genetic link” to bring a child born in India to the US, do not succumb to threats of suicide to help a person lie because it will only lead to disastrous consequences. You may also be held complicit to the lies and fraud for helping an infertile person to have a child where laws itself fall short. Is helping infertility (where laws fall short) the same or better or worse than abandoning a child? Lesson learnt is DO NOT help an infertile person to break laws. Shouldn’t the government instead be providing equal rights for infertile people so they don’t feel threatened and NOT to punish innocent victims like the spouse and children who are trying to help infertility? If a fertile person can SHARE a child with an infertile person, can an infertile person SHARE the same child with his siblings and family?

Succumbing to threats is no way to a solution. An intersex person is subjected to surgery which is now banned because it is so torturous. We are in agreement that the surgery should be banned, there is no proper medical evidence to force this surgery during a marriage under secrecy and lies. And if the “experts” feel they are right, then why did they have to lie on medical records, what are they trying to hide? If you are threatened to ALSO lie and live in secrecy, what are the effects on you? How do you go get professional help like psychological sessions if you are forced to lie to them? If the surgery is very traumatic for the patient, if the surgery is very traumatic for other family members like parents of the intersex child, what are the effects of the same surgery on a spouse and children when the surgery is performed during a marriage? But see you succumbed to the threats and therefore one can’t even get the help they need and neither can the innocent children.

It is a very SAD situation and something no parent wants to teach their children. A person who respects an intersex spouse where laws itself fall short, a person who SHARES a child with an infertile person where laws itself fall short, a person who wants to SAVE his innocent daughter from being abandoned is a compassionate person and respects diversity and thats what he would like to teach his children. Instead he has been taught that be SELFISH, LIE, FRAUD, CHEAT, BREAK LAWS because that’s the only way you get rewarded. Respecting diversity and respecting others is WRONG.

So as an intersex, immigrant, IVF father, who has managed to survive, the advise for children is to be SELFISH to survive in this world, sad but true. Let’s hope I am wrong because if I am right and had followed this advise, my innocent IVF children would not exist today including the compassion of the donors and surrogates.

While bringing a child into this world is a very emotional, bringing an international IVF/Surrogacy child into this world is full of land mines, lack of laws and only exasperated by the facts that in some cases, innocent IVF/Surrogacy children are left without justice. Making a mistake (lack of laws) is one thing but inaction is another and more importantly, denying rights to an innocent child makes things worse. Are abandoned IVF children humans too? And why is no action taken to protect and safeguard their rights?

The technology is new, the laws haven’t caught up with technology but is abandoning a child still a crime? If people resort to new and sophisticated ways of abandoning children, are the laws and authorities equipped to combat and protect the rights of the innocent children? Last I checked, child is still a child and deserves equal protection under the law. Making them into “casualties of the war on fertility” is not the answer. They are NOT the collateral damage, they are innocent and in any war, innocent children are always spared but perhaps the war on fertility is different? We need to have laws on both sides which are inclusive and give equal rights to both fertile and infertile people but innocent children should always come FIRST.

Happy Rosa Parks Day – What will the US do?

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country?” – US President John F. Kennedy. For an intersex, immigrant, IVF father freedom ring free ivfthe question is not what he can do (he already did what he could which is to GIVE life), the question is who will protect his and his innocent IVF children’s rights? 

Happy Rosa Parks Day! On December 1, 1955, Ms. Rosa Parks was arrested, convicted and jailed for literally “refusing to stand up” while at a much higher level she was taking the “ultimate stand” in standing up for one’s rights. Her strength and courage inspired many then and continues to inspire many today. She proved that the prevailing laws were wrong even if they were the “laws” meaning laws may not always be right and sometimes we just have to “literally sit down” to make a BIGGER point in standing up against a failing system (in some areas). Ms. Parks and the movement showed that peaceful protest against a failing system is NOT wrong but the right thing to do for future generations to come. It also proved that USA is a great country which listens to reasoning and ALSO stands up against human rights violations including its own archaic laws. It takes a lot of character as a country to admit and move forward with that. Let TRUTH set you free. Let FREEDOM ring free is all we ask for IVF children and families. Wonder what would Ms. Parks say today about the IVF discrimination?

Do the actions (or inactions) against an IVF father and his split IVF children “born out of wedlock” match American values?

While human rights are ignored or given lip service at best in most parts of the world, the HOPE is that USA cares about human rights and can provide an equitable solution. Truth is what gives me the strength and courage to speak up and petition the most powerful nation in the world to have equal rights for IVF children and families. US President Obama  in his Thanksgiving 2014 address said, “…commitment to American ideals like justice and equality”. Is willfully splitting IVF siblings equality and justice?

After repeated lies and breaking the laws, what will the US do to send a strong message to anyone who is doing IVF abroad in the best interest of the innocent, voiceless IVF child? Will it stand up to defend the most vulnerable and uphold the laws OR let it go? What if there are other voiceless victims? The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun”, it can also be false records with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims. As the Lanza case shows that “wishful thinking” even with the best of intentions is not the right answer and splitting innocent IVF siblings is a classic case of “missed opportunities” – let us not repeat our mistakes like the “baby scoop era” or civil rights, or gay rights, or women suffrage only to setup a “truth and reconciliation” commission decades later, let us give the innocent IVF siblings what they deserve – a childhood together and justice for IVF rights.

I was forced into silence and kept against my own will for 10 years in my own home in Texas. Finally, I was let go but my child was taken away from me. I was left behind with another child to care for in a foreign land. These are the facts of not some woman who has been harassed for dowry or some woman who has been raped or some woman who has been a victim of domestic violence or abuse. These are the facts of an intersex, immigrant, IVF father in Texas in 2000s. When will me and my voiceless IVF children get justice and be united to be together? The simple fact is what justice do innocent IVF siblings deserve when the justice system has been manipulated and their rights denied? Does an IVF child born during a divorce have the same rights as a natural born child?

This is not just a case of uniting IVF siblings but is about what message to send? Infertile Americans cannot bring a child born outside the US legally, so should they create fraud documents, break laws, place innocent child in legal limbo, and violate rights of so many others? Or should one be truthful and respect laws? Is abandoning an innocent child in a foreign land, using IVF as your personal baby making factory with utter disregard for innocent children and surrogate and hide in the US escaping justice from the foreign courts the modus operandi the US encourages its citizenry through it lack of action and denial of truth? Splitting innocent siblings will never be justifiable, taking away a child from their primary care provider will never be justifiable. Countries like US, UK, Canada, Australia engaged in the baby scoop era in separating innocent children from their biological families through lying, suppressing truth only to apologize decades later. Is that what’s going on now with IVF children and the secrecy and lies surrounding them?

As a lifelong believer both in practice and words of equal rights for intersex and IVF, one cannot simply stand on the sidelines while more humans are being traumatized and denied rights including innocent children. The question to ask is can an intersex, immigrant, infertile person repeat this in 2014 legally? The answer is no meaning laws must have been broken and the fight to have equal intersex and IVF rights must go on to save innocent lives and the most vulnerable – voiceless children.

In 1922, Mahatma Gandhi was charged with sedition charges only to be vindicated 25 years later. In. 1955, Rosa Parks stood up for what she believed is wrong even though reserving seats in a bus based on “skin color” was legal at the time. In 1962, Madiba was tried under apartheid laws only to be vindicated 27 years later. How is an intersex, immigrant, IVF father treated in 2000s? More importantly, how are his IVF children being treated? The greatest humanitarians of the 20th century have taught us to speak up and have lots of patience because truth is worth fighting for and injustice is worth standing up against.

Speaking the truth and asking for rights is not anti – national. If anything, in the long-term truth through mutual reapect for all builds the character of a nation as the last century has shown but requires patience. Change is not wrong, resistance to change is. Will an intersex, immigrant, IVF father be persecuted, threatened, intimidated, even if systemically for stating facts? Or will he be listened and the right answer is to have proper laws in best interest of IVF children? More importantly, without proper laws, is it creating an environment of more innocent victims including children where some people may do anything to have a child including secrecy, lies, cheating, fraud, breaking laws?

It is obvious the laws have not caught up with technology as per US DoS report. What about people who take advantage of these loopholes for personal benefit breaking the laws? It is clear that how US family courts treat a “parent-child” relationship in the context of IVF is very different than how US Immigration laws view the same relationship. What about people who take advantage of these loopholes and escape justice? More importantly, how do the lies and secrecy help the innocent IVF children? In 2009, David Goldman was united with his son after 5 years without raising any issues of the impact on a 9 year old removed from his biological grandparents, the primary care provider. Ann  Pettway was convicted after 23 years of raising a child like her own through fraud documents in US. In 2009, an innocent IVF child was taken away from his biological father and his primary care provider while his sister was abandoned in India. In a case of dolus eventualis and fait accompli, an intersex, immigrant, IVF father was traumatized beyond imagination and had to both save his child in India and give her rights. Since the entire situation is NEW, what are the rights of an  IVF child born during a divorce? It seems a child is a child but afraid so, an international IVF child born during a divorce has no rights and can simply be discarded with no consequences. Is this the America we want? Or do we respect all? If the US system has been manipulated, what will it do? How will it stop from creating more innocent victims and send a strong message? Laws/change will come, whether its 25, 9, or 27 years later, what we need now is no more innocent IVF child victims. Respect all, equality for everyone. When will the dream to have equal intersex and IVF rights become a reality? 

“Tear down these walls” – as US President Reagan said. When will the walls of secrecy and lies be broken and we can dream to live in a world where we can speak the truth freely without intimidation, persecution, threats?

Wish I were Gay for my IVF Children’s Sake As Dictated by Laws

There are stories about how gay parents are coping in the 21st century – fighting for “maternity” leave as the primary care provider OR to have equal parental rights OR Nazi Intersex IVF Historyallowed to tell the truth to their child OR so many other battles they have to fight just to be allowed to LOVE their child FREELY. Is the same true for an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children? An IVF father who is not gay is on “maternal leave” for 5 years and counting because he did not want to abandon his child.

There is NOT a day that goes by when one does not DREAM of an innocent IVF brother walking through the front door to hug his primary care provider, his father, and his siblings not because the rights of an intersex, immigrant, IVF father matter BUT because an innocent, IVF child has rights too and its his DREAM too. Are innocent IVF siblings, innocent IVF fathers allowed to have DREAMS OR are they reserved only for infertile, immigrants who must have a child at any and all costs including abandoning an innocent child? The issue is not about intersex, infertility, IVF, the issue is do innocent siblings deserve to grow up together and do the voiceless have rights? As the recent story about Mr. Lanza shows that “wishful thinking” is not the answer but dealing with facts and respect for laws is the right answer.  The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun”, it can also be false records, fraud, lies, breaking the laws with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims.

While people are still debating whether being gay is right or wrong, gay parents having and raising children is right or wrong, at least their issues are on the radar and are getting solutions, especially from the legal perspective. An intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children are LOST and written off. An intersex, IVF father may NOT be gay but from a legal perspective is treated as a “GAY man”.  In a gay relationship, who is the “mother”? More importantly, who does the child have an infinite, loving BOND with – the primary care provider or the “mother” or “father”?The child goes to the person whose love they can feel due to the qualitative time they spend together and NOT because the person is “mother” or “father”, “gay” or “straight”, or whatever other “social discrimination”. Wish I were gay then at least the issues we are facing about parental rights, IVF rights, immigrant rights of same-sex folks, dysfertility rights would be discussed in the OPEN rather than SUPPRESSED under the carpet, ironically enough as gay rights have been dealt with for several decades.

The only thing WORSE than denying justice to a person – black or white, gay or straight, man or woman, adult or child, or [insert] whatever other “social discrimination” here is to DISRESPECT their issues which is DENYING rights. Just like some people believe the Holocaust never happened, how can you even discuss with them the horrific and traumatic events that occurred during the Holocaust because as per them “it never happened”?

The reasons why it is important to discuss Abu Ghraib is the same reasons why it is important to discuss an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children. It is not “anti-national”, it is to first give justice to innocent victims and second to learn and ensure it is never repeated. Having two split innocent IVF siblings on two different continents in legal limbo is nothing short of our “Abu Ghraib” because it has been done willfully and is a crime against their humanity even though they may be young and voiceless. It is very traumatic for an intersex person in 2000s but at least they have support if they are honest, what about spouse and children of an intersex marriage who are forced into silence and abused and traumatized? Appeasement even by parents and professionals/experts as the Adam Lanza case shows is NOT the answer, confronting facts and discussing them openly will lead to a better solution for all including innocent children. Lying on medical records which denies rights of others and abuses others is a crime. Ignoring the blatant facts is wrong. Breaking laws is wrong. Intersex people have struggled for decades if not centuries to get recognized and have equal rights, how long will it be before spouse and IVF children of intersex marriage are provided appropriate support?

If the US recovers its citizens who go to foreign countries and may “break the laws” there like trying to do good in North Korea. What help and support does the US provide its citizens who try to help infertile people where laws itself fall short? Who protects their rights and should they be “recovered” and be united as a family?

Separating biological families even under a “legal guise” is not new, ask anyone who knows about the “baby scoop era”. Decades later, there are apologies from the government, “truth and reconciliation” commissions.

The laws have already spoken, an intersex spouse should have reported the crime and NOT shown compassion, the fertile spouse should NOT have accepted the fraud documents from an infertile family and NOT shown compassion, he should have also NOT shown compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person just like he laws dictate. But why are we (and the laws) punishing innocent IVF siblings for crimes they did not commit? Showing compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person is NOT wrong but supporting a LIAR and CRIMINAL is wrong. In fact it is so wrong that one has two innocent IVF siblings SPLIT willfully on two continents in legal limbo and with no justice.

In the War on Fertility, its the result that should count – the IVF child

Happy Children’s Day where two lovely IVF siblings were born through compassion of others but are willfully separated and have NEVER met. Let us hope this children’s day the rights of a child are placed FIRST and they are protected from misintended adults who want to abuse and deny them their rights for the selfish benefit of an adult. A child is a child but the laws are different for “natural born” Vs. “IVF” child and we are forced to talk about it separately. In an ideal world, all children are equal, when will this be true for an IVF child?

Lets dedicate an IVF children’s day to people like Dr. Subhash Mukherjee, India’s first doctor to successfully deliver an IVF child and the world’s second doctor (missing it by 67 days) to achieve the same. Both him and the Nobel Laureatte, World’s first doctor, Dr. Robert Edwards to deliver an IVF child are both about GIVING a child and NOT TAKING a child. Let us place child’s rights ahead of everyone else including misintentioned adults who commit crimes. Taking candy from a baby is easy but what have you proven? Denying the rights of an IVF child is easy but have you made it better or worse for others to follow?Equal Rights for IVF Children

What if you are attempting to build a family through IVF, is it a crime?

What if you have multiple IVF failed attempts, will you keep trying to have an IVF child?

What if after all those attempts, financial, emotional ups and downs, you have a lovely IVF child, will you abandon them?

Welcome to the world of IVF. Roughly, a little over 1% of all births are through IVF as per CDC. There are no known statistics on how many IVF births are abroad for a US parent. The point is its a minority and therefore very few people know about it. With changing lifestyles, people attempting IVF is only going to increase. Are the laws equipped to handle the IVF scenarios? More importantly, are innocent, voiceless IVF children protected under the laws from some misintended adults? Some clarifications on IVF :

1) As per US laws, all children born abroad are subjected to US Immigration laws.

2) A “genetic link” is required between a child born abroad and the US parent. So how do infertile people who cannot have a genetic link bring a child born outside the US legally? Kinda reminds me of the French revolution when the king said, “If they can’t afford bread, let them have cake”. Should infertile Americans be forced to break laws and convert unsuspecting fertile individuals into criminals?

3) The lack of laws for IVF children affects everyone – straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, white, black, hispanic, asian, other races, male, female, married, single, anyone trying to have a child through IVF! The worst affected is the innocent IVF child.

Use Cases :

1) If you are in an infertile marriage, as a heterosexual couple if you are to have an IVF child, depending on the infertility situation, you may use your “genetic” material as the laws define, either your own sperm or your own egg. What if it gets SWAPPED? Both intended parents are US Citizens, one is infertile, and the other who gave their “genetic material” accidentally got swapped by the IVF clinic abroad. This is NO fault of the IVF child, the US parents. But the law says, one of the US parents MUST have a “genetic link” to the child. Really? Do the parents care? Does the child care? Isn’t it just about being able to love and hold a child and raise them with love and care? Isn’t that enough?

2) If you are single, biologically, you need your own “genetic material” as per laws to have a child. What if you are infertile and single, SOL as per laws.

3) If you are gay or lesbian or intersex couple, biologically, only one can contribute, and if there is a DNA mismatch or the”genetic parent” abandoning the IVF child then the “left-behind parent” is SOL as per laws. Even if a “non-genetic parent” wants to love and raise a child, the law will ask them to do it in exile outside the US because they lack a “genetic link” with the chid.

There are some more use cases. The most important use case is the legal status of the IVF child. Regardless of how we get there, the result is a “stateless” IVF child. Does the child have rights? Can they live freely and have a legal identity? Was the every intention of the intended parent to bring the child to the US and raise them with love and care as a proud American? Then why this torture based on archaic 20th century laws?

We can pontificate on ethics of IVF, we can pontificate on US Immigration laws, we can pontificate on LGBTI marriages, we can pontificate on straight marriages, we can pontificate on racial discrimination, but we CANNOT continue to pontificate while we continue to discriminate against innocent IVF children and families. We CANNOT pontificate while we continue to discriminate against innocent IVF children for actions of their parent(s) – that is casteist. We CANNOT pontificate while innocent, voiceless IVF children are languishing in legal limbo with no justice. We CAN pontificate on rights of a child (any child including IVF) once the innocent child’s welfare and rights have been restored. To ignore the issues of an IVF child is to ignore the best in humanity – compassion of others to bring about the IVF child into this wonderful world.

Happy World Embryology Day

Thirty six years ago, he world’s first IVF child was born. Wishing everyone a Happy World Embryology day if you care. Some famous people born in IVF-Cruelty1978 as well are Ashton Kutcher, Zoe Saldana, Tia and Tamera Mowry, Usher, Kobe Bryant, Katie Holmes, first IVF baby in the world – Louise Brown, India’s first IVF baby – Durga. Sadly, we still do not have equal rights for IVF children and families.

Technology is wonderful when used correctly and thanks to the hard work of scientists, researchers for doing their part for the progress of humanity. Whose job is it to have laws that keep pace with technology? Have they done their job? What happens when the laws fall short and innocent IVF children are victimized with no justice? Whose responsibility and accountability is that?

In 1978, there were about 4.3 billion people and 2 IVF children.

In 2012, there were about 7.1 billion people and the 5 millionth IVF child was delivered.

In 2012, the CDC estimated 1% of all births in US were through IVF and expect all births to be about 5% soon.

By 2020, the population is estimated to be about 7.7 billion and the IVF industry is expected to double (maybe the number of IVF children born will also double as a conservative estimate?)

When will IVF be a “big enough” issue to start caring? And it is about the innocent, voiceless IVF children – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable. When will we as a society wake up? What will it take for us as a society to wake up? 

If “IVF” is an “industry”, then what is it “product” and who is protecting their rights? Should any industry be regulated especially where billions of dollars are involved? Especially where innocent children’s lives may be at risk? Especially where innocent children’s welfare may be endangered?

If “IVF” is to help infertile or dysfertile people, who helps the IVF children? What are the rights of IVF children when born during a divorce? Do they deserve a legal identity or should they be shoved under the carpet and make them invisible? Does that solve the problem?

When a straight couple who is dealing with infertility, are both spouses impacted with the lack of laws for IVF children and families? When gay couples, lesbian couples, single men, single women, infertile couples attempt to solve their “dysfertility” with help of other compassionate human beings, should there also be laws to help them and the IVF children? Or should such people be discriminated and falsely persecuted for daring to dream to have a child through help of technology? Worse their innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit and for the actions of their parents.

Every IVF journey is unique. Some result in not having a IVF child at all despite multiple attempts which sadly failed. The worst is having an IVF child who is born into legal limbo and not having any rights as a living, breathing human being. Sadly, pets have more rights in some cases. 

This year on World Embryology Day, let us pledge for equal rights for IVF children and families. This includes the entire IVF fraternity – the donors, the surrogates, the IVF clinics and medical professionals, the intended parents, and most importantly the IVF child. If there are laws for international child adoption, if there are laws for international child abduction, why are there no laws for international IVF children? More importantly, in absence of these laws, how do innocent victims get justice? 

The cornerstone of any IVF cycle is compassion of a fellow human being. It is the essence of our humanity. Let us hope that is NOT lost.

Let Freedom Ring Free

OMG, how can an IVF father raise an IVF child? Thats the most common reaction for an IVF father living in exile raising an abandoned IVF child. Why is the focus on the “gender” of a parent? This stereotype manifests itself into laws which actually hurts innocent IVF children. And as a parent, that is more than offensive, more than traumatic and it is torturous to see your innocent child being punished for crimes they did not commit and due to their parent’s “gender”. freedom ring free ivfDiscrimination against males and females, mothers and fathers is actually hurting innocent children due to lack of laws. As a parent, all one wants is the best for their children and at the very least provide equal rights for their children. For a mentally and/or physically challenged child, the parent wants the best for their child and laws to support that, for an IVF child, an IVF parent wants the best for their child and laws to support that. Not mother, not father but a parent. While the compassion and concern is appreciated one receives as an IVF father, the real answer is to address the inadequacy of the laws in the 21st century. We want freedom, we want respect and more than anything we want equal rights for our IVF children and families.

It would be nice to see someday the question that how does a “parent” feel? Gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers are just parents. Let us not continue the discrimination with innocent children of gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers by “classifying” them. They are just innocent children of their loving parents, shouldn’t that be enough? I have a dream that someday it is the character and love of a parent that will count more than the gender of a parent. Dealing with infertility is NOT a women’s issue. Dealing with infertility is a CHILD issue. Dealing with infertility is a HUMAN issue. Let us not PUNISH innocent children due to the war on fertility.

Recently, Indra Nooyi, an accomplished individual and voted one of the top 50 most influential women in the world said that “Women can’t have it all” and it is hard to have a work-life balance. What about IVF fathers, can they have it all when it comes to loving and raising their IVF children together at home? Are the centuries old stereotypes hurting us as a society? If women are trying to break the “glass ceiling” at work, are fathers at home waiting to get equal rights? If a woman is disfranchised at work, someone still gets the job done although the woman still maybe a victim of unequal laws and stereotypes. At home, when fathers are discriminated, it is the innocent child who gets disenfranchised, a living, breathing human being – is this what our society wants moving forward? Let us not continue to give unequal rights to fathers at home which directly abuses the rights of innocent children. If women can’t have it all, can innocent IVF girl have it all? Like a legal identity, a passport to travel freely to visit her brother, see the snow, see the wild animals and explore the world?

In other news, the Indian Supreme Court recently said that women are “misusing” the anti-dowry laws to protect them instead they have turned it into a weapon. Laws are created to protect people. When people “misuse” the law, it fails in spirit of the law and is disrespectful to the legal system and endangers the welfare of innocent children. If you have a little daughter, is this what you would want to teach her which is to place innocent grandfathers and grandmothers in prison under false accusations just so that you can harass your spouse? It begs the question – If women “misuse” anti-dowry laws, what would infertile people do who cannot legally have a child without a “genetic link”? Exactly at what point do we say its enough? Perhaps when innocent children are being abused and placed in legal limbo for the selfish advantage of an infertile adult who happens to lie which breaks laws – is that enough? We all have skeletons in the closet but when those skeletons happen to be of innocent children OR compassionate surrogates rights, someone has to speak up. The TRUTH has to be told so that a change in laws can occur in the best interest of children. Children are NOT the criminals – so why should they be punished by being palced in legal limbo?

If a four year old wants to go to America to see her brother OR a nine year old brother wants to come to India to see her sister- she/he should be able to? Why deny them the right because an adult infertile person wants to break the laws for selfish advantage?

If a four year old wants to go to Canada to see the snow or go to Africa to see the giraffes and zebra – she should be able to? Why deny them the right because an adult infertile person wants to break the laws for selfish advantage?

IVF fathers are tough. Especially, ones who made multiple trips to the IVF clinics by themselves. Regardless of whether they are gay, single, intersex fathers, straight fathers, compassionate fathers, loving fathers, they made the trips alone because they wanted a child. And to ask a parent, an IVF parent to abandon their IVF child because LAWS are inadequate is insane and heartless. It questions every being of humanity within us.  If it does not raise your hairs, it should. If it raises your hairs, raise them more. Because this is a nightmare for any parent – the worst form of casteism. Where the actions of a parent are used against innocent children forever. Let the innocent children have freedom and have their own individual rights – show them true love.

Love and Compassion Cannot Conquer Secrecy and Lies

Love and Compassion are cornerstones in being human, whether its a relationship between lovers or siblings or parent-child or friends or neighbours or states or countries. When our humanity is at stake, everything we have built around it questions our very ethos of humanity especially when the victims are innocent children. Rather than having a ethical OR moral OR legal obligation to respect a fellow human being, the true question is can love and compassion conquer secrecy and lies?

If you are an adult woman who happens to be infertile, do you get compassion and sympathy from the society if not the laws? But if you are an IVF girl child (a future woman), do you get the same compassion and sympathy from the society if not the laws?Equal IVF Child Rights Tshirt

If you are a victim of female infanticide, clerly you cannot talk. But what if you are an abandoned IVF girl child, do you have any rights as a human being and as a child?

Take the journey of how convoluted our society is in paying lip service when it comes to human rights and child rights of innocent IVF children and families. It is not about who you know, it is about how you are born is where the discrimination begins. As a society, legally, if not socially, we have conquered discrimination based on race, color, creed, gender, sexual orientation but when it comes to IVF children and families, we have some ways to go. Is IVF the new black, the new gay and the new orange?

IVF is a wonderful medical technology to help infertile or dysfertile people. As everyone knows, it takes three things to make a child scientificaly, sperm, egg and womb. But it takes love and compassion to raise a child. Not just as a parent but as a good human being. Secrecy and lies are NOT in the best interest of any child despite what the “experts” claim. Besides, where is the expert to deal with multiple complexities of intersex, IVF, immigration families?

Some IVF families are honest about their traumatic IVF journey. Some IVF families cherish the IVF children including siblings who are allowed to grow up together as a gift of the father. And some people abuse innocents through IVF and placing innocent lives at risk and in legal limbo. If the laws do not allow for biological father’s name on a birth certificate of an IVF child, shouldn’t one fight for their rights with honesty rather than placing innocent children’s lives at risk? How does the law treat non-biological, intersex parent when it comes to placing their name on an IVF child birth certificate? Adding the complexity that when the IVF child is born outside the US, that IVF child is considered as “child born out of wedlock” meaning is there a marriage or not?

There must be a silver lining to the IVF tragedy and travesty. If non-biological parents deserve equal rights, then government should have laws “in sync” with that philosophy rather than imposing that by SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings. And if non-biological parents have equal rights in raising an IVF child through love and compassion, should they also be held equally accountable and responsible in the welfare of an IVF child if either intended IVF parent abandons the IVF child? Why do we have double standards? Does the innocent child care who abused them? The innocent child cares about love, compassion and justice to get their legal rights.

Rather than pontificate on having equal rights for non-biological parents, one should have laws to reflect that also. And how do you justify actions on one side where a non-biological parent has “equal” rights to a child while on the other side abandoning another non-biological child? Do the innocent children as individuals have any rights or are they human chatal? Do the innocent biological siblings have any rights or do they deserve to be punished for crimes they did not commit? Does the innocent “biological parent” deserve to be punished based on the fact they are “fertile”, OR “immigrant” OR “male” OR any other justifiable discrimination in 2009? The question is NOT whether it is discrimination and abuse, the question is whether the “justifications” of 2009 will stand the test of time? Just like slavery, women suffrage, colonialism, apartheid, civil rights, gay rights, “orange rights”, IVF rights is coming and then these false justifications will be exposed for what they are. Stop pontificating and start caring about real human beings – the innocent children. Love and compassion will conquer the mountain of secrecy and lies because that its power, because thats what makes us human. Let the tsunami of love, compassion and truth be unleashed to wash away the mountains of secrecy, lies, crimes for the sake of innocent IVF children.

The IVF Survival Guide – What If..?

The US laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Here is an IVF Survival Guide.IVF-Survival-Guide

1) What If an infertile couple decides to have a child outside the US through IVF, only one of the parents would have the “genetic link” either the sperm or the egg, and that biological parent decides to abandon the IVF child for whatever reason BUT the “non-biological parent” wants the child to raise and love, can they legally get the innocent IVF child to the US?

2) What If there is a DNA mismatch and due to the accident there is “no genetic link” between US parent and child born outside the US, should the intended parent(s) live in exile or abandon the child? Is the love for the child any less due to the accident? Do the laws reflect “intent” or archaic and antiquted laws still playing catch up with technology?

3) What If a gay couple or a lesbian couple decide to have a child but the biological parent decides to abandon the child, can the left-behind (non-genetic) parent legally get the child to the US?

4) What If an infertile person wants to have a child, can they get a child into the US legally with “no genetic link”?

5) Are these archaic and anti-IVF laws creating an environment which is in the “best interest of the innocent, voiceless IVF children”? Are these archaic and anti-IVF laws creating an environment where some infertile people go to any length to SPLIT innocent IVF siblings just to that they can have a child? What about the rights of the innocent IVF children? What about the rights of a brother wanting to be with a sister? What about the rights of an innocent child to live WITHOUT legal limbo?

6) Will the justice system acquiesce to TRUTH or persecute and threaten the innocent who petition for change rather than being forced into silence? Will the justice system follow its own laws and prosecute those who victimize innocent, voiceless, vulnerable children?

7) If a rape victim does not report the crime for fear of shame, stigma, further victimization and the statute of limitation expire, does that mean the rape DID NOT OCCUR? If a sexual abuse victim does not report the crime for fear of shame, stigma, further victimization and the statute of limitation expire, does that mean the abuse DID NOT OCCUR?

8) What If a spouse of an intersex person who were both victimized by the medical community through an overt web of secrecy, lies and crimes, does that mean the intersex family was not abused due to medical negligence?

9) What If an IVF parent who attempted IVF due to infertility of an intersex spouse but forced to lie about it due to US laws for immigrants, does that mean the child is NOT IVF? Does that mean the person who is claiming to be the “mother” is ALSO the “genetic mother” including fraud documents?

10) What If an IVF parent is forced in a situation of fait accompli where he is forced to live in exile with his daughter and giving up his son, is it so heinous that the innocent IVF family should be punished and the only JUSTICE is to SPLIT them?

As a victim of intersex, infertility, immigration, invisibility, it is time to MOVE FORWARD and deal with the TRUTH. It has happened. Laws have been broken. Crimes have been committed. But to punish innocent IVF siblings by SPLITTING them is NOT the right answer. No parent would stand for injustice towards their child even if the condition is a minority because for a parent their child is everything. Justice for innocent IVF children, thats the only thing we ask. Justice against people who prey on others, lie, break laws, are criminals is for justice system to decide to establish their own credibility, for us, its about justice for innocent children, is it too much to ask?

As a humanity, one would think “best interest of the child” is paramount, how have we lost track then to impose punishment on innocent IVF children for mistakes of their parents?