Tag Archives: gay rights

Is the term, “mother language” dated?

Most children grow up in traditional families – but then again what is a traditional family? Who decides and who defines? There are single parents, there mother language internationalare adoptive parents, there are blended marriages, list goes on. February 21 is designated as the International Mother Language Day by the UN. Recently a bill was introduced in the US Congress to recognize the same. What does exactly “mother language” refer to? Is it the “language” the primary caregiver of an infant speaks and so that it is the first language the child picks up?  When two males raise a child together, what is the “mother language”? OR when a single father raises a child, what is the “mother language”? How will the child feel who is raised by two males or a single father as to what is his “mother language” with NO mother around?

It’s 2014 and it is disconcerting to see that an organization like UN which on one hand promotes gay rights meaning gays can be loving parents BUT also promotes “mother” language day which is a contradiction. In 2014, it is disconcerting to see language like “mother language” being used in legal bills because it can have unintended consequences like the lack of laws for IVF children and families based on biology and gender.

No one is against the multiculturalism and the intent the International “mother language” is trying to promote. But it is the words which are being used in 2014 is discriminating rights of others. Laws have far reaching consequences and the language used has to be practical and equal. Should we call it “primary caregiver language” day or “father language day” or “blended family language day” or ….? We may not know the right answer right away but if we put our minds into it, we can certainly come up with wordings which are INCLUSIVE and not derogatory. Maybe “Language Day” or “Parent Language Day” or “Primary Language Day”. Let us get back to the business of celebrating the multiculturalism and the rich, different languages without offending anyone and being more practical with the changing world around us.

Modern Day Slavery

In a recent study, India has a dubious presence of being the country with most modern-day slaves in the world – an estimated about 14 million people.Lincoln-slavery-freedom Slavery in any form is bad. January is National Slavery and Human Trafficking Month. As an evolving human society, we have learnt our lessons but have we? While most people are not affected by infertility or dysfertility and therefore are unaware about the underbelly of dealing with being childless. The “popular mantra” is providing a child to the infertile adult while ignoring the needs of the innocent, voiceless child. Most cases are normal but what happens when IVF children are victims and due to lack of laws have no legal recourse? Should we be allowing criminals to take children away from their biological families simply because they are affluent and infertile? Or does the CHILD have EQUAL rights? What we need is freedom from the slavery of secrecy, lies and fraud and have an opportunity to live freely with a valid legal identity. Recently, India has also become a global hub in international IVF/surrogacy. The international IVF industry is flourishing without any laws. Is this vacuum of lack of laws while churning out innocent IVF babies with compassionate surrogates creating modern day slaves in some cases? If so, where is the relief for victims and where is the justice? The spirit of the article is to bring change with stating facts and truth. Let us analyze the modern day slavery report and a case of an immigrant, IVF, intersex family in 2000s married in India and had IVF children in India and are split across two continents in the US and India and are denied to meet. “The study could help governments assess and eradicate slavery, which is a ‘hidden and diverse’ crime”, Walk Free said. We hope that the governments assess and eradicate the modern day vacuum in international IVF/surrogacy which is a “hidden and diverse” crime. The fact that innocent, voiceless IVF siblings have been heinously split is what prompts the discussion. The definition and parameters used in the Global Slavery Index by the Walk Free Foundation to define modern day slavery include:

1) Practices such as debt bondage – If two adults agree to have an IVF child together and one commissioning parent abandons an IVF pregnancy mid-way, should there be any responsibility and accountability placed on that parent for the welfare of the IVF child? In a commercial surrogacy situation, since the commissioning parent has abandoned, who will pay the surrogate for the IVF child and what are the rights of the surrogate? Because of the abandonment, the IVF child may become stateless without a “legal identity”, what are the rights of the IVF child? Do they deserve basic human respect and dignity? If one of the commissioning parents – the biological parent is forced to either also abandon his IVF child due to lack of laws or give up his career, life, and family and move to India to raise the abandoned IVF daughter and thus placing an extreme financial burden on him and the IVF child. Fighting for rights is very expensive and requires financial resources. If a natural born child is abandoned, legally there is a recourse to get child support for welfare of the child. But discriminating against an IVF child is OK? Are the needs of an IVF child any less than any other child? EQUAL is all we ask.

2) Forced marriage – Being intersex is very traumatic and is what we are told especially to people who have little to no awareness on the subject. Legally, intersex people cannot marry. What is the greater good – demand for equal marriage rights or lie and force unsuspecting victims into intersex marriage? Socially whatever we may think, legally being in an intersex marriage, both spouses have to deal with the lack of laws issues because an intersex marriage is illegal. Recently, Edie Windsor in the US in its defeat of DOMA demonstrated that the right answer is to change the laws, not break the laws. Along with her, several others benefited including immigration for same-sex spouses. Some spouses have waited over 40 years to legally marry but not break the law – their love did not decrease. Some spouses have waited several years to sponsor their spouse for US Immigration based on marriage unlike frauding the US Immigration for personal benefit. Forcing any unsuspecting spouse into a marriage under threats and silence is abuse. There are also intersex people who are honest which is a good example to follow than to lie, fraud, abuse and exploit others including innocent children. If an intersex person can demand for equal intersex rights and equal reproductive rights due to infertility, can they also give equal rights to IVF children and families and spouse caregiver of intersex? Being a victim of gender role stereotyping is one thing but to victimize a child like that is another. A spouse caregiver of intersex and an IVF father was the primary care provider for his IVF child when born because the intersex spouse was under medical treatment and was under severe trauma to care for an infant. That’s a fact creating a deep bond between the innocent child and the “father/mother/primary care provider” – why rob him of that just because it does not “fit the gender role stereotype”?  He was both a mother and father under the most grievous of circumstances. Neither the compassionate egg donor or the surrogate who gave birth were around, we lied. And if the “mother” is the person who spends the most time and bonds with the child in the initial months, then that would be the IVF father because of the unique circumstances. To deny the truth would be to also deny the facts of abuse and violence perpetrated while undergoing medical treatment with severe trauma and depression. It is sad and compassion worthy but it is not worthy of denial and lying. If a child is raised by a gay couple, who is the “mother”? Should we start teaching our children to say “primary care provider” instead of “mother” and “father” to get the point across?

3) Sale or exploitation of children – There are no specific laws for IVF children. There are 8 different ways in how parentage can be assigned in an IVF child while there is only one way for a natural born child. Socially whatever we may believe that it is the love for the child and not the biology or gender of the parent, the laws are strictly based on biology and gender of  a parent. This gap creates situations sometimes where innocent IVF children are rendered stateless and/or are exploited. What is their fault? Is having a legal identity the right of an individual? Is having valid birth documents the property of an individual – something they will need from birth to even age 60 or 70? Why should an innocent, voiceless IVF child be punished for crimes they did not commit?

4) Human trafficking – As stated earlier, the laws are based on biology and gender. If you do not like the laws, change the laws but do not break them especially which hurts innocent children. Legally, an intersex person cannot marry, nor can they have a biological child, neither have the adopted a child legally, then how can they have “legal custody” of an IVF child? Was there any suppression of facts? Were any laws broken or violated? Is this a sophisticated white collar crime in human trafficking? Is denying the IVF child the truth and access to his biological family and siblings a violation of his human rights? Is denying a valid legal identity to a child a violation of laws? A US grandmother was arrested and charged for abducting a child uncovered on presenting false birth documents.

5) Forced labor – Using an anonymous egg donor and surrogate for their compassion to have an IVF child is one thing, to lie and claim as your own and denying them the gratitude and facts is ____? Claiming to love an IVF child while abandoning another IVF child – their sibling is defined as love for the child in which world? Had the conspiracy to split the IVF siblings and suppressing the facts from court while creating a unique circumstance using anti-IVF laws, anti-gay laws, anti-LGBTI laws, could a person have got “legal custody” of an IVF child? Was the innocent IVF child used as “property” to be discarded with no consequences or is the IVF child a human being with protection of basic human rights and dignity?

6) Others are tricked and lured into situations they cannot escape – An unsuspecting male was tricked into a marriage only to be later revealed it is both marriage fraud and in fact is illegal because its an intersex marriage. Next came the intersex surgery during marriage which is even rarer and the resulting abuse, violence and caregiving of a person who is changing in every way possible. They say a spouse changes after marriage, this takes it to whole another level – physically, physiologically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. Next came the infertility and the resulting international IVF and its lack of laws and immigration issues. The trickery, secrecy, lies, fraud were so ingrained and brainwashed that one can simply not escape. That does not mean it did not occur. If the mistake is the crimes were not reported but that does not mean the crimes did not occur. We had become slaves to the secrecy, lies and fraud of living as intersex, immigrant and IVF in 2000s. The effects of this slavery is still continuing because innocent IVF brother and sister are divided and are stateless in legal limbo. The bigger questions to ask are :

  • How do we solve the issues of intersex? Is it by secrecy, lies and victimizing innocent, unsuspecting spouses – also humans OR by passing equal laws for which facts and truth is necessary?
  • How do we solve the issue of IVF/infertility? Medically, IVF helps infertile or dysfertile humans, have the laws caught up with technology to address the issue in “entirety”?
  • How do we solve the issue of IVF children rights? Is it enough to say that great we have delivered a child to an infertile or dysfertile human or do we also need to equally protect the IVF children and donors and surrogates and families and the “entire ” IVF ecosystem?

If it were 1800, to suggest to a person that if they don’t want to be a slave, they should change their skin color may have been appropriate for the time. But its 2000s and times have changed somewhat. If I were that person, I would keep my skin color the way it is and rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights for me and everyone like me. A story of an immigrant, IVF father in 2014 is similar, rather than “accomodating” to the discriminatory laws of today, would rather stand on the right side of history and fight for equal rights of IVF children and families.

The Few, The Proud, The IVFhood

We pay homage and respect to the ultimate pillar of humanity of our times, Nelson Mandela. As millions and possibly billions who have been inspired by him, we continue the fight for equal human rights for all including innocent, defenseless, voiceless IVF children.

In each struggle, numbers count. Sadly, thats our system. Too often as humans in a democracy, we feel we are just a “statistic”. Then there is the mandelaIVFhood. The IVFhood consists of a large IVF ecosystem including the IVF child, donors, surrogates, intended parents, doctors, staff, etc. IVFhood is like being in a marathon where everyone is cheering you on but only the runner knows the truth and has the courage to get to the finish line. Most people do not even know what IVF families go through and what it takes to be part of the IVFhood. All IVF parents are very strong, persistent and determined possibly overcoming several personal, emotional, financial, legal and other struggles. Some who are lucky are blessed with an IVF child, some are not as lucky. Every IVF journey is unique and every IVF parent has an unique story on how they got there and got through with or without an IVF child. We are not just a “statistic”, we are real people with real needs and concerns. We are not asking the government to give every human being a child, we are asking for equal rights so that every IVF child is EQUAL. As an IVF parent, it is one thing to be discriminated against their reproductive rights but to use biology and/or gender of a parent to discriminate against an innocent IVF child takes it to whole another level. It is one thing to stand by quietly when an adult is discriminated and abused but can any parent standby quietly when it is their child being discriminated and abused? We need education and spreading awareness, not secrecy and lies. Let us go through some statistics.

  • As per CDC, 1 in 6 couples (about 15%) experience fertility issues. This does not account for singles or LGBTI couples where 100% need some sort of fertility assistance.
  • As per CDC, about 1% of child births were through IVF. As of 2013, in about 35 years since IVF’s inception, 5 million babies have been delivered via IVF. This number is expected to grow widely in the coming years especially now that “same-sex” marriages are being legalized.
  • With better IVF techniques and increasing demand, the IVF “success ratio” will be optimized resulting in birth of more IVF children and the “numbers” will grow in size.
  • With increasing medical tourism and affordability being a significant factor in IVF rather than just infertility or dysfertility, more IVF children may be born internationally requiring appropriate immigration laws.

The current laws for immigration simply do not go far enough and inadvertently puts innocent IVF children in legal limbo. Why? Are they not human beings who deserve “basic human dignity and respect” if not equal rights?

  • When an innocent child has no legal identity due to no fault of theirs other than to be born via IVF, is it discrimination based on “birth type”? Its the inadvertent effect of lack of laws and is this the kind of society at we want to leave our children with?
  • What are the rights of an IVF child and surrogate when a divorce occurs during an ongoing IVF pregnancy? Does the “intent” of having an IVF child have any significance?
  • If its a crime to abandon an infant, should it be a crime to abandon an IVF child with no accountability or responsibility for the IVF child?
  • When human errors occur due to accidents where samples get swapped and resulting in a DNA mismatch leading to lack of immigration laws for the IVF child, should the IVF child be abandoned, forced to be given up for adoption, or should the intended parents be forced to live in exile outside their home country because their IVF child cannot immigrate with them or should they break the laws and get the IVF child illegally to their resident country?
  • Does a child in legal limbo have any legal rights? Is there a difference when a child is placed in this situation due to no one’s fault Vs. deliberate actions of another human being.
  • The basic question is why are we creating IVF children without proper protection and ensuring their basic human rights if not equal rights? Every human being deserves the right to have a child – fertile or dysfertile or infertile, straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, single – but are the laws reflective of this?

Innovation can only occur when you can breathe free, challenge the government, challenge your teachers, challenge religious leaderssaid US Vice President Joe Biden.

A parent who is poor loves their child just as dearly even though they may not be able to afford education, or a parent who is gay or lesbian loves their child just as dearly even thought they may need to legally adopt or go for IVF or an immigrant parent loves their child just as dearly who may be separated from their child due to immigration laws or an IVF parent loves their IVF child just as dearly, then why SPLIT them in certain cases? We do not need the government to show a parent how to love, we need the government to have laws so that there is an equal playing field. The lack of laws is creating such a desperate situation where IVF parents are forced to just ask for BASIC rights to respect their IVF child as a human being and not even EQUAL rights. It is reminescent of past social justice revolutions like women suffrage, civil rights, apartheid, gay rights where initially one asks for basic human respect and dignity and then equality.

If one is a Butterfly today, what was the Pupa stage like?

In a marriage everyone says that a person changes after marriage – man or woman. The courting time is NOT butterflythe same as life after marriage. When issues arise, there are communication issues, therapy sessions, maybe friends and family, and if there is LOVE somehow things work out or one breaks-up. It is safe to say it is in our human behavior that we all are inherently displaying and placing our best foot forward during courting and once the deal is done maybe we start taking the other person for granted OR are distracted OR were LIED to or CHEATED or FRAUDED. As individuals, we all have our issues to deal with but communication is KEY. In that, truth is KEY. In that, LOVE PROSPERS.

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court

When a fraud intersex marriage begins to unravel, it has disastrous consequences at ALL levels if there were LIES. There are a lot of intersex people who are HONEST about their situation with the person they claim to LOVE and it often works out amicably. So the issue is NOT intersex, the issue is honesty and trust and love. When those things CHANGE in any marriage, how can it survive? In an intersex marriage in 2000s, there is the added burden of dealing with the LACK of LAWS. There are lot of intersex people who had the surgery either BEFORE marriage while their parents were the caregivers or never had the surgery. So the issue of a “spouse caregiver” does NOT arise. Then there are the facts we have to consider.

CAIS and its Effects in a Marriage

There is scientific evidence that people with Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) have male testes. The medical community often recommends a surgery to remove the male testes (which has since been determined as unnecessary and as torture) and go on a Hormone Replacement Therapy. The medical treatment causes depression, irritability, wild mood swings, severe trauma among other things. This is what is REPORTED in medical literature. The medical community uses a concealment based approach to systematically LIE and create fraud medical documents.

1) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is LYING. Because of the LIES, it takes away the RIGHTS of the spouse caregiver. What about the violence, the abuse, the threats during this transition phase? By denying the TRUTH, the abuse and trauma are CONTINUED on the unsuspecting, victim spouse caregiver of intersex.

2) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is DENIAL of TRUTH.  What about the FACT that the father was the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for the IVF child because the intersex person was under medical treatment? What about the inseparable BOND and love that a son had with his father because he was his primary care provider in silence despite the “conventional stereotypes” against males. Was it a MISTAKE to show compassion and stay quiet and have the silence and humility USED against you or worse, against innocent brother and sister?

3) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is the LAW relies on documents and what do you do with a FRAUD MEDICAL DOCUMENT in court? If an intersex person chooses to DENY themselves the TRUTH and continues to LIE, they are cheating themselves the MOST. Their LIES are hurting so many other LIVES.

4) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the fraud medical records have unintended consequences on innocent children including ABUSE.

5) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, most insurances do NOT cover the surgery and is an out of pocket expense for intersex patients and families. Without TRUTH and awareness, how can we get insurance benefits for other intersex people and families or do we continue a pattern and trend of fraud and lying?

6) The issue is NOT whether a CAIS person has testes or ovaries, the issue is DENIAL. The first step for any solution is acceptance. How can we ever get to any solution for the children if we LIVE IN DENIAL? Instead, one continues to repeat a thousand lies to hide one lie and continuing to HURT and ABUSE more people. Are SIBLINGS important?

Transition – the Pupa Stage

It is absolutely very traumatic for a CAIS person to go through the unnecessary surgery and then go on HRT. And that too during a marriage to a spouse they LIED to about their situation. If the trauma was NOT enough, it would only make the trauma MORE because of the guilt or may be not if they are seasoned to lying. Is there any trauma for the spouse caregiver of intersex? Or is the spouse caregiver AT FAULT to be married to an intersex person and wanting to help? A person CHANGES in every way possible as they work through this transition – mentally, physically, physiologically, emotionally, spiritually. Any one of these changes has a profound EFFECT in any marriage. Notice we are leaving intimacy out of it. Now imagine ALL these CHANGES occurring at the SAME TIME in a marriage, it is certainly MORE than a FULL CUP of CHANGE. It is often sprinkled with violence, abuse, emotional out bursts, guilt, threats, irritability, and so on. As time goes on, the stabilization occurs AND the person has CHANGED. Worse, it happened in secrecy and silence. Did anyone pay a PRICE for the CHANGE?

The Butterfly

The person whom you knew BEFORE the marriage has CHANGED – nothing new for most marriages. The person whom you became a spouse caregiver for has CHANGED – there are lot of spouse caregivers too. The person for whom you gave up higher education, career, better part of 30s, respected their privacy and secrecy, living in a world of 6 billion BUT living LONELY in secrecy due to the TRANSITION has CHANGED – now we are getting into the “minority region”. Over time, the medical treatment has stabilized and maybe even CHANGED for the better. If the person is a butterfly today, a spouse caregiver of intersex and his IVF child have experienced and seen the WORST pupa stage in silence. Who was the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER for the IVF child during this traumatic transition and ongoing medical treatment? It is an experience that stays with you for a lifetime. As traumatic as miscarriages are to a mother, one can NEVER forget. One tries to live and move on and maybe even are blessed with other children but the MISCARRIAGE and its experience are ALWAYS a part of you. Our life is a SUM of our experiences.  So please do NOT placate by suggesting cliche statements like “past is past”, “move on”, etc. Unless you have experienced the transition of your spouse in every way imaginable way and discovering the LIES, you have no CLUE what that is. That experience has made a STRONGER person of the caregiver, why FORGET?

So if the person has stabilized, if they have CHANGED for the better, what is the issue? The issue is LIES that involve breaking the laws. The issue is the continued LIES to SPLIT innocent brother and sister. By showing a fraud medical record of having a “removal of ovaries” surgery DOES NOT change the facts. First it shows that the intersex person is still in DENIAL and one has to deal with the multitude of issues for themselves. Second, it DENIES the RIGHTS of others like the innocent IVF brother and sister and the spouse caregiver. Its as if their life of abuse, lies, pain, suffering, trauma, victimization NEVER happened. It takes away the basic human dignity of a person to speak the TRUTH. Third, CAIS is naturally occurring meaning there will still be OTHERS born with it who will ALSO have male testes. How will the LYING or FRAUD medical records HELP them? Isn’t it better to say the TRUTH and empower them with the TRUTH?

Chaos Theory and Butterfly Effect – As the theory goes that a butterfly flapping its wings in China can cause weather systems in the US. What do years of secrecy, lies and breaking laws do to an unsuspecting, innocent family who are SPLIT with two IVF children on two different continents and are NOT allowed to meet? Is it fair to say that the lingering effects of being part of an intersex family and the lack of laws to address the issues of an intersex family are with them for a lifetime?

Looking Ahead – Move Forward

The irony is that the LIES of the medical community have traumatized and devastated several intersex children unnecessarily. The REAL culprit being secrecy and stigma. Now the SAME LIES are traumatizing and devastating the innocent childhoods of an IVF brother and sister. What have the LIES accomplished? They have placed the innocent IVF children in LEGAL LIMBO. Should we repeat history and DENY them their RIGHTS TOO like denial of rights for intersex?

The lesson learnt is that intersex or IVF is NOT the culprit. The LACK of LAWS due to secrecy, lying and lack of awareness is. So NO MORE lying, truth begins. The journey may be long, tedious, lot of opposition, against conventional wisdom with the ongoing LGBTI movements, BUT then again what is “conventional” about this case? Change is constant, change is inevitable just like TRUTH.

LGBT – Yeah in 2013, Next Frontier – Intersex

Its a great year in 2013 if you are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT). When will it be turn for Intersex –IVF-Spouse Rights Updated the “I” in LGBTI? When will it be turn for “I” as in IVF children and families? When will it be turn for spouse of Intersex? When will it be turn for not “I” but “F” for family caregivers? Is it all about the “individual” and NOT the family then why all the big ruckus over “EQUAL” rights for marriage?

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court

Only people with a sense of sincerity who will take time to understand the facts of the case will see the number of social injustices involved in just this one case. The worst is the innocent siblings are being punished for crimes they did not commit. Ironically, history is repeating itself. The strategy of secrecy and lies used with intersex children is now being repeated with IVF children. The lesson learnt is do NOT try to give human rights inside the four walls of your home. If Gandhiji would have gone on Satyagraha inside the four walls of his own home, would India have got its independence? Probably yes but not through Gandhian means.

Lying, cheating, and using fraud to break the laws is selfish. Instead saying the truth and fighting for your own rights and others like you is a better option. Change may not be INSTANT unlike when one lies, they get what they want even if it breaks the laws. But one can have the satisfaction of standing up for truth. They are more of a role model for their children because they stood up for truth. Just ask the gay and lesbian parents or Edie Windsor or Tony Briffa.

How does an intersex couple build a family in 2000s when you are immigrants in the US?

Understand facts so we can CHANGE the future:

1) One has to live in secrecy and lies which creates a multitude of other issues including fraud in a love marriage. Secrecy and lies are the biggest culprits and we need to provide an environment including equal laws so that intersex people can be truthful to their non-intersex spouses to have a meaningful relationship.

2) Intersex is the cause for infertility. Adoption is great but NOT an option for immigrants because of the laws.

3) IVF is around but as first-generation immigrants, it is NOT affordable. Insurance does NOT cover it. In 2013, there is political favor, there are bills in progress, there are insurance companies who will cover all or part of IVF treatments. This was unavailable in early 2000s.

4) In 2002, countries like India offer commercial surrogacy in an unregulated industry. If intersex is traumatic, wait till you meet infertility. More secrecy, more lies, more breaking the laws, more violations of human rights of others. If you violate someone’s human rights in a “closed loop system” where everyone lies, did you violate anyone’s human rights? We can all pontificate on morals, ethics, laws but the reality is in our hearts we all know the “right thing to do” and will justify the behavior as we see fit. The “behavior” is about the “INFERTILITY” of an ADULT. What about other adults in the IVF process? What about the IVF children and their RIGHTS?

5) Without MONEY, there is NO IVF – bitter but true. Without LOVE and COMPASSION of donors, surrogates (depending on each individual case), there is NO IVF. The latter can be overcome if you have MORE MONEY. Sad but true, are we in the business of treating HUMANS as property? As a proud IVF parent, the lack of laws and controls is more REPULSIVE because of the few bad apples.

As long as a marriage has been performed in the jurisdiction that recognizes it, then that marriage is valid under U.S. immigration laws” – announced US Secretary of State John Kerry in August 2013.

6) In 2013, what is the official legal stance of intersex in the US? Other countries like India, Nepal, several other Asian countries, Australia, New Zealand legally recognize the “third gender”. Does the US believe it is appropriate to recognize MORE than two genders? Or must everyone FIT into binary gender causing an environment of secrecy, lies, stigma and breaking of the laws?

7) Is intersex marriage LEGAL in the US and India in 2013? The question is NOT whether an intersex marriage in 1999 in India is valid or not and the resulting US Immigration? The question is do OTHER intersex people have the EQUAL rights to marry and have children? “Shoving under the carpet” attitude is why this case exists, the LIES have caught up. It may not be very “appropriate” or “valuable” to others but for us, it is about OUR TWO INNOCENT CHILDREN and that’s OUR WORLD. It is VERY APPROPRIATE and VALUABLE. And we are just tired of living in secrecy and lies. Are we humans too with human rights? If we do NOT get equal rights for intersex families AND equal rights for IVF children and families, we RISK more victims. And these are DUAL or TRIPLE victims – first a VICTIM of intersex OR INFERTILITY or BOTH.

8) US is a world leader and we expect nothing less than leadership and support to get to the next frontier. Intersex rights and rights for IVF children and families. After all, if these rights existed then two innocent, voiceless siblings would NOT be growing up separately for crimes they did not commit.

Any LOVE based on a foundation of LIES is NOT LOVE. As a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex, this is a lesson very well learnt. The hope is this is NOT REPEATED upon innocent, voiceless IVF siblings.

Discrimination exists in all forms, it was Rosa Parks who refused to move to back of the bus to gay couples asked to move to back of the bus in 2013 to lesbians getting thrown out of a cab on a highway. There are immigrant IVF fathers who are SEPARATED from their IVF children. When will IVF children and families get equal rights? There are spouse caregivers of intersex who are DENIED truth. When will family caregivers get equal rights? The hope is to rise above all kinds of discrimination and put children AHEAD.

Criminal Intent – IVF Style

When this case sinks in to enough people’s minds and a critical mass is there for them to see that it could have law-and-order-criminal-intenteasily been them. The complex combination of lack of laws for Intersex, Infertility, Immigration, Invisibility – the four “I”s of this case or “effects of intersex family” is wrecking HAVOC and traumatizing innocent, unsuspecting victims. While we WAIT for EQUAL laws to pass, what if laws are broken in the PRESENT with a criminal intent? There are intersex people who are honest, there are gay people who are fighting to get LAWS and RIGHTS (like Edie Windsor)  and helping themselves and others. Their intent is NOT to break the laws but to recognize their circumstances by sharing the TRUTH and getting LAWS changed to reflect their realities and others like them. They are the spark like Rosa Parks – take a stand.

Could This Be You?

“Become the change you want to see in this world” – Mahatma Gandhi

1) In a recent study, nearly 1 in 4 Americans are a family caregiver which is 25% of the population. The actual numbers may be more as NOT every family caregiver identifies themselves.

2) Spouse caregivers of breast cancer or mesothelioma or Alzheimer and others are allowed to share the facts of their issues so they can get help and support. Is the same true for spouse caregivers of intersex? To put it into perspective, in a recent study it was found that 83% of male spouses leave their spouse when diagnosed with a traumatic condition instead of becoming a spouse caregiver.

3) Support for “equal marriage rights” in 2013 in the US is well above 50%, what was it in early 2000s?

4) Support for immigration of gay families to the US is increasing in 2013, what was it in early 2000s?

5) As per CDC data, infertility affects 1 in 6 couples which is accounting for straight couples. In 2013 with “equal marriage rights”, what is the new infertility or dysfertility” rate including LGBTI couples? A study is NOT out yet but logically it seems there will be MORE people affected by it than there were in early 2000s.

6) All these issues lead to a “critical mass” to have LAWS that affect people who may be family caregivers or in a LGBTI marriage or dealing with infertility or dysfertility or immigration of gay families or immigration of IVF children. We are NOT there yet in 2013. We are still WAITING for these realities to kick in.

Unless there was love and compassion, a spouse would NOT subject themselves to this and later to find out they were LIED, CHEATED, FRAUDED knowingly and deliberately all along. The secrecy and lies in dealing with intersex DOES NOT make it easier to get truthful information. Now the secrecy, lies and criminal intent are being USED to CHEAT and ROB innocent, voiceless children out of a CHILDHOOD together. Regardless of whether you are straight, gay, lesbian, intersex, in a relationship where there is LOVE, there is NO ROOM for lies, cheating and fraud – trust and truth are cornerstones of LOVE regardless of how one TWISTS it whether with a partner or with a child. This was true for thousands of years, it is true today and will remain true forever. To claim or suggest that a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND a surviving IVF father of victim IVF children participated in the crimes is most OFFENSIVE and IGNORANT. A victim of abuse and violence DID NOT speak up because they were SILENCED under THREATS and NOT because they did not want to. If intersex is a minority then FACTUALLY, spouse caregiver of intersex are even a SMALLER minority of that. Who is helping them deal with EFFECTS of intersex and the lack of laws for it? To suggest they are criminals shows the lack of understanding of intersex families and the reason for UNEQUAL rights of intersex, IVF children and families, and family caregivers.

Criminal Intent

This was not a crime of greed, this was not a crime of vengeance, but it was an act of selfishness, a crime of selfishness” – said Judge P. Kevin Castel of Federal District Court

Mr. Rajat Gupta is a very reputable individual with a great story combining BOTH Indian dream and American IVF-Spouse Rights Updateddream. He has also been recognized as a great contributor to the overall good of the community, a philanthropist and uplifting many careers and providing several jobs and allowing families to prosper. But he did LIE. And the LAWS prevailed. The VICTIMS of his LIES received some monetary benefit from the heavy fines imposed upon him. Thats RULE of LAW.

To say this case is about intersex or infertility or immigration or invisibility would be UNTRUTHFUL. These are the “issues” of the case but someone knowingly and deliberately LIED. Criminals LIE. People who LIE make others LIE under secrecy and threats. CRIMINALS use threats and make others ALSO LIE.

1) Till 2013 in the US, gay immigration was illegal. So if someone LIED before then and immigrated to the US, is that valid? Thousands of gays have WAITED to marry legally and help their binational spouses for immigration and NOT committed FRAUD. Some even waited over 40 years instead of victimizing innocent, unsuspecting people because their LOVE was built on TRUTH.

2) Immigration of IVF children born outside the US is strictly on the basis of “biological link” as per prevailing laws, so if an IVF child is in the US with “no biological link” with anyone, were any LAWS broken?

3) It is required to declare an ongoing pregnancy when filing divorce in US so that the court can decide the best interest of the children. What if an ongoing IVF pregnancy in India is NOT declared in a US court divorce filing, how will the “best interest of the child” be protected? Does the US condone such behavior where an adult in the US can place an “order” in foreign countries like India for an IVF child and later change their mind and abandon the IVF pregnancy? What are the rights of the abandoned IVF child? What are the rights of the left-behind IVF parent? How do they move forward?

4) By having false medical records, we cannot even begin to get solutions to REAL problems. First one has to overcome the burden of false, authoritative, legal medical records and if they SURVIVE, they can state the FACTS so that we can work on a SOLUTION for the issues. False medical records is both disrespectful to the patient and the caregiver wanting to live a life of truth and dignity. Especially WORSE if there was ABUSE of innocent, voiceless infants because there was SILENCE under threats. When health professionals make false medical claims, it has reverberating effects on innocents including not getting justice they deserve.

5) Divorces happen, its nothing new. What is the future of LGBTI divorces and more specifically children of LGBTI in a divorce? When there is criminal intent, should an IVF child be separated from his primary care provider? Should the child have ANY rights to grow up with his sibling and family and have an active participation in his life? Has the child abandoned his sister he wanted and requested to be alienated from his biological family? Do the RIGHTS of an innocent, voiceless CHILD trump an adult who happens to LIE with criminal intent? What’s the JUSTICE in ROBBING FROM a CHILD? Even International Adoption laws allow for a subsidiarity principle in the best interest of the child to UNITE siblings to grow up together. Do lack of international laws for IVF/surrogacy children mean VICTIMIZING them? It is the principle and we all know the “right” thing to do which is to NOT PUNISH innocent IVF siblings by forcing them to grow up separately for CRIMES they did not commit. And submit ourselves to working for standard, consistent international legal framework for international IVF/surrogacy so that a HEINOUS act like this IVF holocaust does NOT occur again.

Intersex Family Rights

Does a “F.A.M.I.L.Y” when two genetic males are parents have same rights? Are their equal rights for gay families? Intersex families are different than gay families BUT from a legal perspective they are treated the same including immigration and marriage rights and thus rights of innocent children and siblings.

If intersex family rights existed, two innocent, voiceless IVF children -brother and sister would be growing up together.FAMILY

If intersex family rights existed, a victimized IVF father would NOT have to face the IVF Holocaust (a thorough destruction) of picking between two children.

If intersex family rights existed, all daughters and sons would be EQUAL and not made STATELESS.

If intersex family rights existed, a traumatized IVF father would not have to choose between ADOPTION, ABANDON or raise his IVF daughter in EXILE. What would you do?

If intersex family rights existed, an IVF son would still be continuing to enjoy his life with his IVF father and vice versa.

If intersex family rights existed, an IVF brother could have his dreams come true of wanting a sibling. An IVF brother could enjoy “tea-time” with his loving IVF sister, play hide and seek and enjoy voices of laughter crackling together, teach alphabets and numbers to each other, jive to the favorite music and songs, dance like its 2113 (maybe equal IVF child rights by then?) but above all learn to hug and kiss and have a sibling bond that ONLY siblings can share.

If intersex family rights existed, there would be NO need for a spouse caregiver of intersex to ask for his rights or his children’s rights. Only through education and spreading awareness can we get rights. If intersex family rights existed, domestic violence and abuse against spouse caregiver and children would be accounted for.

If intersex family rights existed, medical professionals would have NO need to create fraud medical records, a crime.

If intersex family rights existed, what about the torture perpetrated on an intersex family before 2013, the year when UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP on coerced intersex surgeries.

If intersex family rights existed, there would be NO forced silence and there would be NO FORCE to LIE and live in SECRET.

When an individual tries to give human rights to someone where laws itself falls short, what is the outcome? Should other humans including innocent, voiceless children also be punished?

Sometimes in life when we start our journey there are things we experience which we never envision. For the sake of children, it is important to speak up now and secure EQUAL rights for IVF children and families, EQUAL rights for intersex. The difference between the journey in SILENCE Vs TRUTH is the goals and objectives are well established.

Costs of Living Ahead of Time

We are dealing with the 4 I’s – Intersex, IVF (infertility), Immigration and Invisibility. We dealt with it Supreme court gay marriageusing secrecy and lies and that’s a failed approach because the biggest victims are innocent, voiceless children – brother and sister. Instead, asking for equal intersex rights, equal rights for IVF children and families, equal caregiver rights would be the right approach. These may take years, decades or lifetimes. In the interim, how does one deal with the lack of laws issue? Do we let truth prevail and let current laws prevail or secrecy and lies including breaking the laws?

What are the costs of living ahead of our times?

1) Its a FACT that LGBTI immigrants could not sponsor their spouses/partners for US immigration until 2013. So what if an LGBTI immigration was granted before 2013 using suppression of facts, is that legal?

2) Its a FACT that “intersex” is a legally recognized third gender identity in Australia in 2013. Will other “western countries follow and play catch up”? What if these human rights were accorded to an intersex person before 2013 by an individual where the government itself fell short? Does the individual have any human rights of their own as a human being? What about the effects of these lack of laws both on the intersex person and the spouse who dared to do the “right thing” before laws allowed?

3) Its a FACT that illegal immigrants in the US, especially innocent children, may be provided a PATH to legitimize and stay UNITED with their families as per the proposed US Immigration Bill in 2013. Is the same true for IVF children who were DENIED immigration by abandoning US parents? Or we still have years and decades to go?

4) Should lack of US Immigration laws be the reason to separate innocent, voiceless IVF siblings and DISALLOW them an opportunity to grow up together?

5) Its a FACT that there is MORE than one way to assign parentage for an IVF child. Have all the possible scenarios been considered in the best interest of the IVF child and ALL the participants?

6) Its a FACT that people may circumvent LAWS for their own personal gain. For example, placing an “order” for an IVF child and then changing their mind and NOT show up to take responsibility or accountability for the IVF child at birth. Does the IVF child have ANY rights? Is the IVF child a human being with human rights? Are the needs of an IVF child LESS than that of a natural born child? If its a crime to abandon a child and endanger their welfare, why is it NOT a crime to do the same thing to an IVF child? If the IVF child is born through a commercial surrogate, then who PAYS the surrogate for a successful birth of an IVF child? Does the surrogate have ANY rights to be treated EQUALLY as a human being or is she ALSO left abandoned WITHOUT agreed upon payment for her compassion and generous help?

7) There are 65.7 million family caregivers in the US. About 33% are male caregivers Vs. 67% female caregivers. The ratio is narrowing and the stereotypes are changing. There are more men today who are the PRIMARY CARE PROVIDERS at home. Do the LAWS reflect that or are laws based on stereotypes? Women may ALWAYS outnumber men in terms of number of caregivers but should there be laws to protect caregivers Vs. laws to protect caregivers based on GENDER?

8) Since gay marriage is being legalized, what will gay divorce look like? Will there be child support payments from one male to another? Will there be laws against domestic violence and abuse protecting men?

9) Since intersex marriage is NOT yet legal, what will intersex divorce look like in the future? Does “same-sex” marriage cover “intersex” marriage? If it does, then why the legal existence of a third gender? Will it mean biological siblings be FORCED to be separated? What CRIMES did the innocent siblings commit?

10) It takes a lot of strength and courage to survive and be alive to tell the facts. The strength and courage comes from the innocence of the children, if we dont speak up for them, then who will?

In a world based on shock and awe where secrecy, lies, fraud are utilized, the world is HARSH and CRUEL. As TRUTH starts to prevail, the world becomes compassionate and free. Just like several gay spouses who waited years, decades to marry legally and be able to sponsor their spouse for immigration legally – they are living with truth and freedom. Thats what is needed for innocent IVF children and families – truth and freedom.

The costs of living ahead of our times is giving up truth and freedom. A life lived in secrecy and lies does no good to anyone and may even victimize innocents. Living with truth elevates your dreams and in the process dreams of others too. Ask Edie Windsor.

Thank You Edie Windsor

The Supreme Court ruling striking down DOMA came about due to a case filed by Edie Windsor. Its a landmark rulingIVF Parent and Intersex Spouse Rights giving rights to several same-sex married couples and wanting to get married. The right answer is to CHANGE the law, not BREAK the law. Thank you Edie Windsor for showing us that. Sure, it takes time and money but it is the right thing to do. When will we get our dignity?

When will the US recognize the “I” of Intersex in “LGBTI”? Internationally, LGBTI is the norm as per the Yogyakarta Principles. Australia recently added “I” for intersex as a gender identity. Other countries in Asia like India, Nepal have long recognized the third gender. The right answer is to ask for EQUAL rights, not BREAK the laws for personal gain.

“DOMA “humiliates” children” – Supreme Court Justice on June 26, 2013

There are CHILDREN of gay marriages, there are CHILDREN of intersex marriages. When do the innocent CHILDREN get rights? Majority of the times, such children are either adopted or born through IVF. Where are the rights of IVF children? Now that DOMA has been struck down, can we focus on IVF children and families rights? Can we get EQUAL immigration rights for IVF children and families? What is the RIGHT answer? Ask for LEGAL rights or BREAK the LAWS for personal gain? Why should innocent siblings be SEPARATED because human rights of others are being violated? Are the innocent children NOT human? Do they NOT have human rights and child rights?

If spouses of gays are also gays, if spouses of lesbians are also lesbians, meaning both spouses have same rights as an individual, what about spouses of intersex? Do spouses of intersex have ANY rights? Do spouses of intersex have a right to participate practically in their child’s life?

Edie Windsor has shown the right path – challenge the law and ask for a change to reflect the reality and NOT break the law. When will we get our dignity?

IVF – What A Mess For An IVF Child

Laws for IVF are clearly lacking. While clinics around the world are offering IVF services, it seems the discussionTruth of One about bioethics and proper legal framework in the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD is lost. What does that say about us as a community? In the 21st century, we will be seeing legalized same-sex marriage, which may lead to increase of IVF children, where are the RIGHTS to protect them? Do children who have NO LEGAL MOTHER as in certain IVF cases have EQUAL RIGHTS as other children?

IVF and Divorce

Case 1) Heterosexual Divorce, Roman V Roman

In a case in Texas, a heterosexual couple divorced (which is normal) but had frozen embryos from their individual DNA. What should we do about the frozen embryos? The husband wanted them destroyed as per the contract both husband and wife had signed. The wife wanted to have a child and there we had a court case to decide. The attorney for the wife claimed that the wife thought she would at least get one chance to inseminate even though the contract made NO mention of it. The Texas Supreme Court upheld the contract and so did the US Supreme Court and the frozen embryos were destroyed.

Case 2) Same-sex Split (Cannot call it divorce because same-sex marriage is not legal yet)

In a case in Kansas, a lesbian couple wanted to have a child for which they needed sperm. They put up an ad on Craigslist and got a response from a man who gave them his sperm with full understanding from ALL that he would have NO paternal responsibility or accountability. A lovely child was born. Legally at the time of the case, same-sex marriage is illegal in Kansas and at the time of this writing, it still is. So we cannot call it a “divorce” but the lesbian couple split and one of the mother decided to get support from the state for the child. The state ordered the “sperm donor” to pay child support. Whoa!

Case 3) Ex-wife tricked husband and had IVF children AFTER divorce from frozen sperm

In a case in the UK, a husband was tricked by his ex-wife who had two IVF children AFTER They divorced from his frozen sperm. The “father” only found out when one of the children had a hole in the heart and needed genetic history and financial support. A UK court ordered the “father” to pay 100,000 pounds to children he never knew he had.

In another case in Abu Dhabi, another ex-wife tricked the ex-husband by having an IVF child AFTER the divorce from his frozen sperm. Later she filed for child support and the court ordered the ex-husband to pay child support.

Case 4) Intersex Divorce – Legally intersex marriage is not legal yet, so how can a divorce be?

In a case in Texas, an intersex person filed for divorce while an ongoing IVF pregnancy in India without declaring the IVF pregnancy to the court. The court did NOT find the innocent IVF child to be of the marriage and therefore receives NO child support from the intersex person. Again, an intersex marriage is not legal in Texas and so what is the legality of the divorce AND the decree of the divorce? Legally, it’s a void marriage. More importantly, is the life of an IVF child LESSER than that of a natural born child? Is the child support for the “child” or the “parent”? If the child is born to a spouse of intersex, a male, is the respect and dignity of the innocent human being LESS? Ironically, its a repeat of what intersex people feel, lack of dignity and respect as a human being. By passing it onto others, especially innocent children, DOES NOT make it right.

Side note to intersex : Stop lying, start living with the truth. It will save a lot of stress and lives. Tony Briffa and Imogen Callaway are leading by example.

Should sperm donors and egg donors be responsible for child support? Is the current system scaring potential donors away? How will gays, lesbians, intersex people have children without donors? Regardless of your sexual orientation or gender, if you are fertile and altruistic, you may consider donating your sperm or egg. Are there risks you have not thought about? Are the laws there to protect you as fertile donors? As per current laws, an intersex person who can neither donate egg or sperm to have a child and therefore does not have to pay any child support. Seems fair?

5) In another case, an IVF clinic was not found liable for “accidentally” swapping the sperm samples. What is appalling is that if a medical doctor/hospital operates on wrong part of your body like working on the left knee Vs. right knee or left finger Vs right finger then they are held liable for medical negligence. But if you “create” an entire human being “mistakenly”, then there is no liability or culpability? What about the legal rights of the IVF child? Sad to say but a human finger or a pet has more “value” than an entire IVF child. If a child has autism or cystic fibrosis or any of the “rare conditions”, their needs are recognized and dealt with then why not the same equal treatment for an IVF child?

The most appalling thing is no one cares and somehow no one see the “dehumanization” of the IVF child. Immigration is just one of the issues but for people to somehow think “infertility” is a personal problem are dead wrong. Once the IVF child is born, they are a human being with a guarantee to basic human dignity and respect for human life in its entirety.  I have a dream that some day my IVF children and ALL other IVF children in the world will have equal rights and be recognized as a equal human being both in spirit and in practice.

Hit the REVERSE – Gender Bias

If an egg donor gives her egg to a gay couple to have a lovely child, and then later the gay couple gets divorced, will the courts demand the egg donor to pay child support?

If a woman (who is in an intersex marriage) uses her eggs, donated sperm and a surrogate to have IVF child, will she be able to claim child support from the sperm donor?

Is IVF for only women and should gays and spouses of intersex stay away from IVF? Should an IVF child be discriminated against based on their parent’s gender?

For far too long, children have been thought to ALWAYS have a “LEGAL MOTHER”. IVF presents some unique cases where there is “NO LEGAL MOTHER”. As a result, child support laws need to be updated so that inadvertently, gay couples, or sperm donors to lesbian couples, or spouse of intersex are NOT inadvertently DISCRIMINATED against.

As we move into the 21st century, let us have EQUAL laws for ALL regardless of your sexual orientation, gender, or your birth type in addition to the standard anti-discrimination language of the 20th century like race, religion, color, etc. If we are going to have laws in favor of minority like intersex who can neither donate eggs or sperm (and therefore dont have to worry about child support), then the spouse of intersex is a far smaller MINORITY within a MINORITY and his children are in greater need of help.

We are pro-EQUALITY for ALL.