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Trophy Child? – A Lesson As IVF Terrorism Continues

Its hard to believe what happened just 50 years ago and one can only imagine to walk in Mr. Lewis’s shoes to gauge where our society has come in john_lewis_discrimination_IVF50 years. There is so much more to do. The discrimination lines have changed but they still do exist. Sir (out of respect) John Lewis was arrested for using a “white” restroom and had broken the prevailing laws. An immigrant, intersex IVF father in 2000s is also discriminated for trying to give human rights to a person where laws itself fall short in 2000s and worse so are his innocent IVF children because they committed the “heinous crime” of being born to an immigrant, IVF father. Let us pray the innocent siblings don’t see each other only in “pictures” but have an opportunity to grow up together as was intended by the IVF parent.

There is a stereotype around having “trophy this” and “trophy that” and wanting to be a star at every event. Perhaps for an infertile person who is desperate meaning NOT all infertile people, having a child at any cost is like a “trophy child”. The feelings and wishes of the “trophy child” do not count. They are silenced and muted out because the desperate infertile person must have a child at any cost. Does the child have rights? Is the child allowed to have wishes? As we mark October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month, is wanting to have a trophy child at any and all costs creating more victims of domestic violence and abuse? If you don’t like the laws, change the laws but breaking the laws which cannibalizes rights of others including innocent children is no way to move forward. What will it take to have an IVF/surrogacy awareness month? Mostly to educate and spread awareness so that the issues and lack of laws plaguing a minority (IVF families) can be understood by the majority. As per CDC, 1 in 8 couples or about 15% are infertile (not sure if LGBTI couples are included in this CDC statistic) while only about 1% of total child births were through IVF in the US. Two points : The majority (85%) does not know or understand the issues with infertility and second, there is a huge disparity within the infertile community on how they solve the issues (only 1% of total births through IVF Vs. 15% of population is infertile) – the others probably go for adoption or remain childless. Where do desperate infertile people (not all infertile) fit in who engage in IVF terrorism splitting innocent IVF siblings deliberately?

Folks like John Lewis, Dr. King, Madiba, Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Susan Anthony Erin Brockovich amongst others provide great inspiration as one tries to go against the prevailing laws because its the right thing to do. IVF is new and laws have not caught up with technology. Does that mean innocent IVF children have no rights? Does that mean an IVF family deserves no justice and should be silenced? Does that mean IVF terrorism wins? The quest to want a child is not based on gender, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, immigration status, etc. If a human being loves children, they want children, period. Other traits like character, respecting laws, love is what makes a good parent. Unleashing IVF terrorism on an unsuspecting IVF family already besieged with lack of laws is abuse and injustice to the IVF family and the innocent IVF children. There are different forms of terror – the traditional kind, terror from rape, terror from domestic violence and abuse, and in the 21st century we have a new IVF terrorism unless laws are made. All forms of terror have one thing in common – undue harm to innocent. When terrorists in Syria or Iraq or elsewhere strike, innocents get terrified and they run across boarders sometimes making them stateless including innocent children. In a world with no laws for international IVF/surrogacy, some people can unleash IVF terrorism creating innocent IVF children who are stateless. Now what?

Dying, suicide, extreme trauma would be the easy option. Education and awareness to get proper laws passed even if it takes a lifetime is a service to innocent IVF children and families. In 2014, there have been a spate of stories on how international IVF/surrogacy is allowing people to ABANDON innocent IVF children in foriegn countries. Is this right? What does it say about our humanity? From the tallest structure built by mankind, to the wonderous  space explorations to moon, Mars and beyond, to the system of democracy where we try to ensure everyone has a level playing field to succeed, as a humanity what have we achieved if we “create” babies through IVF only to abandon them with NO justice for the innocent child? First, we have to respect each other including innocent IVF children. Depending on individual cases, multiple human beings are involved including their compassion to bring an IVF baby into this world. Would the donor have agreed regardless of amount offered if they were told the IVF baby will be abandoned? Would the surrogate have agreed regardless of amount offered if they were told the IVF baby will be abandoned? Would the IVF clinic have agreed regardless of amount offered if they were told the IVF baby will be abandoned? Would the law and justice system have agreed if they were told the IVF baby will be abandoned?

Eye for an Eye, Child for a Child – IVF Terrorism

Eye for an eye will make the whole world go blind is what Mahatma Gandhi said.  An act of child for a child is an act of IVF terrorism. What is abandoning an inneye-for-an-eye-ivfocent, voiceless child while splitting them from their sibling because of threat of laws against infertility? IVF itself is controversial. It is a fact laws have not caught up with technology. Does that mean innocent should be punished? Does that mean voiceless children should be punished? Does that mean IVF siblings should have NO rights and be stranded in legal limbo? Are innocent IVF children a “commodity” or a human being? When will this IVF terrorism end?

Infertility is not wrong, being intersex is not wrong, being a genetic male who looks like a woman is not wrong, having and building families through IVF is not wrong, what is wrong is breaking laws, secrecy, lies, fraud and worse treating innocent, voiceless children as “commodity”. Crimes that place innocent, voiceless children in legal limbo and endanger their welfare is a crime against their humanity. Its a crime against the humanity of the compassionate fellow human beings who wanted to help the infertile human being. The sperm, the egg, the womb is all “borrowed”, so should the child also be used as a “commodity”? Being a donor or surrogate is NOT wrong but treating them as a commodity is wrong. Is stealing candy from a child make you a “winner” or a “loser”? The question is not whether an adult can steal candy from a child – thats doable, the question is what does the child deserve?

If an intersex, immigrant, infertile adult does not have rights, does that mean they have the right to take rights away from innocent IVF children? Is abandoning a child to take away their sibling a crime against the siblings? Is denying due process to innocent children a crime? Is denying rights to an innocent a crime? If intersex cannot legally marry, if intersex are infertile and cannot have a child biologically, if the laws require a genetic link between a US parent and child born outside the US meaning an infertile parent can NEVER bring a child to the US legally, should innocent siblings be SACRIFICED? Should innocent lives be “commodified”? This is new territory with IVF and lack of laws but does that mean we as a humanity sit back as an adult completely ridicules the basic dignity of a human being – an innocent child?

Mahatma Gandhi had it right, an eye for an eye will make the whole world go blind and what is having a child by abandoning another child called? What good can come out of this IVF terrorism? IVF offers this unique possibility where a parent can exercise “parental rights” choosingly. How is that the best interest of the child? What does the voiceless, innocent child deserve? If a “non-genetic” parent deserves to have equal rights to an IVF child, should the “non-genetic” parent ALSO be held equally responsible and accountable for the welfare of an IVF child they consented to? Or is helping infertile people a crime so heinous that your innocent IVF child should also be punished for it? It is time to change the laws and ensure that rights of any child, even “IVF” child are protected from criminals.

As Gandhiji aptly said, “Become the change you want to see in this world.” And the change we want is equal rights for IVF children and families.

DNA Mismatch or Willful Abandonment of IVF child – Is there a difference?

Most people may not know about the laws (or rather lack thereof) for IVF and the issues it raises. The question is as a humanity what do we do with an innocent IVF ivf-baby-dna-mismatch-abandonchild? Do they have any rights? An IVF child is born with compassion of several people including donors and surrogate, do they have any rights or at least a say in the best interest of the IVF child? If the innocent IVF child will have no rights, would the concerned parties like egg donor, sperm donor, surrogate would have agreed to help an infertile person?

DNA Mismatch – This occurs when there is a sample which was accidentally swapped in the IVF clinic and as a result the innocent IVF child has no genetic link with the intended parent. Most people may not care as they just want a child and some who do wil abandon the child. Second the laws care because the laws require a “genetic link” between parent and a child especially for immigration purposes in countries like US, Canada, Australia, UK, etc. So what does a citizen of one of these countries do when there is a DNA mismatch? Legally, they cannot take the innocent IVF child despite them wanting to.  Some people will abandon the innocent IVF child, some people will break more laws and try to sneak in the innocent child, some people will make the ultimate sacrifice by moving lock, stock and barrel and continuing a humanitarian fight in the best interest of the child regardless of the “genetic link” or not. Because you see a child is a child and recognizes only love, its not about DNA, its not about gender of parent, its not about immigration status of parent despite what the laws says, its about what is the best interest of the child. And to “manufacture” an IVF child only to abandon even if accidents that occur outside your control, what’s the point about our humanity?

Abandoning an IVF child – This occurs when there is willful abandonment and the resultant endangering welfare of an innocent child. In this case, an intended parent places an “order” for an IVF child and then does not take custody of the child leaving them in legal limbo. “Baby Gammy” is a case where an Australian intended parent did not take custody of the IVF child born in Thailand. In another case, an Australian couple abandoned a child in India but took the twin.  “Baby Medhavi” is a case where a US intended parent did not take custody of the IVF child born in India. It begs the question, if a “non-genetic” parent has “equal parental rights” then should they also have equal responsibility and accountability of an abandoned child? Or is the PERFECT CRIME against a voiceless, innocent IVF child? Willful abandonment of an IVF child is a case of IVF terrorism against the innocent IVF child, the donor, the surrogate, and all other humans who work selflessly in IVF. It goes against the very being of us as a humanity. All of this may be “new” for most people but for innocent victims lost in the underbelly of IVF, it is an everyday reality.

Either way, the result is the same. You have a child who is stateless rendered in a legal limbo situation due to no fault of theirs. The intent however is different. In a DNA mismatch, its an “accident” while abandoning an innocent child is deliberate regardless of the circumstances. Even mothers who give up their child due to various different circumstances do so in a responsible way rather than abandoning the innocent child by the wayside and left in legal limbo. And how does one compare that to an IVF child being abandoned where the mother has nothing on the line – no egg, no womb, no sperm, is this a “baby making factory” with utter disregard for the innocent child, the compassionate donors and surrogate and all other human beings who wanted to help an infertile person? Just like abandoning child is criminal,  abandoning an IVF child is criminal, why will the system not act in the best interest of the child and protect the most vulnerable – an innocent, voiceless child?

Intent Vs. Accident : If a person kills someone intentionally, its murder while if they kill someone accidentally or even in self-defense, it is not as serious a charge. Is pre-meditated abandonment of an IVF child an intentional CRIME or is it an accident like DNA mismatch? Do innocent IVF children who are abandoned and treated as a “commodity” deserve justice? First, they are NOT discarded and it is the failure of the justice system to prosecute misintentioned people and denying justice to innocent IVF children which is treating them as “commodity”.  Get on the right side of history – black, interracial marriages, gay, transgender, intersex, immigrant, now its time for equal rights of IVF children and families. Say it, IVF and proud! Lies hurts others who are innocent and lies denies justice to innocent.

Family Case or IVF Rights Case? Fertility 2.0 or 4.0?

Most people including authorities see this as a “family dispute” case rather than what it is which is it is an IVF rights case. Fact is laws have not caught up with IVF-Human-Rights-Child-Rightstechnology, does that mean adults can break laws and impose cruelty against innocent, voiceless IVF children? As a humanity, is the right answer to shove it under the carpet and victimize more or address the issue? Is it time?

  1. Can an individual be separated from an ideology? If the war on fertility is an ideology, who are its players and how is it being fought?
  2. It is a fact that US laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US. Then how do infertile (no genetic link possible) Americans legally bring an IVF child born outside the US?
  3. Isn’t technology like IVF there to help infertility? But with archaic laws which are remnants of the 20th century, is it helping or hurting the war on fertility?
  4. IVF and infertility are very emotional and compassionate issues. Neither would exist without these. While archaic laws are also part of our lives and thus are forced to speak up against the anti-IVF laws. The technology exists to help humans fight the war on fertility but the means (laws) are lagging behind.
  5. It is one thing to have archaic laws but what are the implications of this on innocent IVF children and families? Is the lack of laws forcing people to lie, cheat, fraud, break laws? Worse is it placing innocent IVF children in legal limbo inadvertently or deliberately?
  6. If you are infertile and laws do not support you, would you rather stand up for your rights or lie, cheat, fraud, break laws? What will you teach the child you got by doing this?
  7. Is infertility so traumatic that the only way to get a child is to split him from his sister he wanted and alienate him from his loving biological family?
  8. And is infertility so traumatic that only way to get a child is by abandoning his innocent infant sister after having consented to?
  9. And is infertility so traumatic that only way to get a child is by using his sister, also a human being, to be used as leverage in a twisted legal game of fait accompli knowing fully well the anti-IVF laws.
  10. Is there any trauma for two innocent IVF siblings? Is their trauma more or less than the trauma of the adult?
  11. Rather than lie, defame, break laws, fraud, etc. just to gain custody of innocent child, isn’t it better to state the facts and fight for equal fertility rights? Would you rather be Rosa Parks or Edie Windsor or Ariel Castro?
  12. If the US courts can issue a globally enforceable decree, shouldn’t it consider the global facts of the case? Hiding behind lack of laws is cowardice especially when innocent children lives are involved. Just like Brown V. Education, Virginia V. Or Edie V. DOMA, where is the case for anti-IVF laws? Instead of suppressing the facts by officers of the court, isn’t it better to allow the facts and then impart justice in the best interest of the children?
  13. Rather than using fear mongering and stereotypes, isn’t it better to work based on truth and facts? Since 2010, an innocent son has been alienated from his primary care provider, his biological father,  but the authorities are worried in future the same son may be alienated from his non-biological caretaker.
  14. The same child has been alienated from his sister he wanted but the authorities are worried the non-biological caretaker may be alienated.
  15. The same child is an Indian citizen and under UN Declaration on Human Rights to which US is a signatory, it allows every citizen to return to their home country, but the US courts deem it is better suited to violate an innocent, voiceless IVF child’s rights and human rights.
  16. Rather than vilifying a fertile spouse who tried to help a fellow human who happens to be infertile, why not ask the US to change its anti-IVF laws? Or should all fertile spouses be persecuted, threatened, vilified who help infertile Americans? Worse the IVF children should also be punished for crimes they did not commit because their fertile parent dared to help an infertile person where laws itself fall short? Who will protect the rights of an unsuspecting, innocent victim?
  17. Every parent has a breaking point. A parent of a child with physical or mental disability or autism or a gay child or an intersex child or an IVF child. As an immigrant, IVF father and a member of an intersex family, failure and injustice are common to us but cannot have a repeat of that on our innocent IVF children.
  18. As per laws (sadly dating back to English law from 16th century), when a man has an IVF child with help of an egg donor and surrogate (neither women are his wife), the children are “born out of wedlock”. Meaning, helping an infertile woman in a marriage is basically SOL for the father and children. It is not that she does not deserve to be a “mother” or being “infertile is wrong BUT laws make it a CRIME. And if anyone dares to challenge this centuries old archaic laws, they shall be silenced, persecuted and worse, their innocent children shall deserve no justice either just like their innocent father. Is this where our moral compass, human compass, legal compass is in 2014? Or is it time for an update?
  19. What is the best interest of the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings. They want to be together, who is listening?

Why IVF Fathers are an Oxymoron as per laws?

Instead of enjoying and celebrating the compassion of women for helping a male to become a loving IVF father, here we are fighting for rights of ivf-oxymoroninnocent IVF children because their only fault is being born IVF and to a “male”.  The irony and tragedy couldn’t be any more inhumane. An IVF father is NOT an oxymoron based on humanity, love and compassion but in 2000s it is an oxymoron based on prevailing laws. The IVF children are not wrong, the IVF father is not wrong, showing compassion and being part of an intersex, immigrant, IVF family is not wrong; secrecy and lying is wrong AND the laws are wrong. Come stand on the right side of history. For those who get it, this is about equal rights of IVF children and families including donors and surrogates and NOT about female Vs male or mother Vs father or whatever [political agenda] or whatever [social agenda]. The 21st century has a lot to offer including building families differently and families with no mothers. Are we ready to accommodate them both socially and legally? Regardless of any justification provided, at the end of any justification add two sentences : “And therefore its OK to abandon an innocent child. And therefore its OK to deliberately split two innocent brother and sister.

  • Why should the gender of a parent matter to a child?
  • Why should the fertility or infertility or dysfertility of a parent matter to a child?
  • Whether a child is born naturally or through IVF, why should it matter to a child?
  • Why should the rights of an IVF child born during divorce be different than that of a child born naturally during a divorce?
  • Punish the IVF father if it is a crime to help fellow human being where laws itself fall short, but why punish his innocent IVF children?
  • As an immigrant, IVF father of an intersex family, one does not expect empathy or sympathy because very few people would understand at face value, but why punish his IVF chidlren? If you know of a bomb on a ship or plane or school or building where innocent children would die even though they are not your children, would you take action? Would you inform authorities and demand justice? Then why not the same reaction for innocent IVF children? Why are we terrorizing innocent IVF children due to lack of laws and inaction? Enough of “baby M’s”, baby Manji”, “baby Gammy”, its time to start living normally in a world with equal rights for IVF children and families.

Shouldn’t the love and character of a parent be more important than their gender, fertility issues, IVF or natural, born during a marriage or born out of wedlock, etc? At a humane level, these other issues SHOULD take less precedence but sadly LAWS place more importance on these other issues in some twisted ironical world deeming it “best interest of the child”. The fact is laws have not kept pace with technology and are still struggling with issues of IVF parents, gay parents, intersex parents, immigrant parents, etc. And somehow separating innocent children from their loving family is in the “best interest of the innocent child” rather than fixing the laws which are broken. It is offensive and inhumane at all levels.

  • As per laws, an immigrant, IVF father in the 2000s does not exist. As per laws, the IVF child is considered as “born out of wedlock” but IS considered as a child of marriage when divorce is filed. Am confused – Is there a marriage or not?
  • As per laws, any ongoing pregnancies should be declared when filing divorce in the “best interest of the child” EXCEPT when the ongoing pregnancy is through IVF because then the IVF child is just a “commodity” with NO HUMAN RIGHTS or NO CHILD RIGHTS.
  • By DENYING an ongoing pregnancy during a marriage, what are the rights of the innocent child and their “best interest”? What are the rights of other siblings – innocent children? Or in our zeal to guarantee a child to everyone at any costs including breaking laws – its OK to trample on others human rights including innocent children?
  • Are we trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? As per prevailing laws, an immigrant, intersex, infertile, IVF person cannot have a child. So should we break any and all laws for the sake of one even if it means endangering the welfare of innocent children? Or do the most vulnerable people in our society – innocent IVF children deserve protection of the laws from adults who may be immoral, unethical and break laws as common criminals do.
  • If a mother took drugs (same chemicals used to make medications) during pregnancy is guilty of child endangerment, what are the effects of an intersex person taking medications known to cause depression, irritability, etc. AND raising an infant? Because the issue is considered taboo and never discussed, does that mean there was no child endangerment or crime? Are we allowed to ask questions of authorities in a democracy or are we supposed to sacrifice our innocent children in silence?
  • It is one thing to have laws but when there is a lack of laws for certain situations like international IVF and when people manipulate and abuse the system to commit white collar crimes that directly places innocent children in legal limbo and endangers their welfare, what should be the response of a civilized society? Should it be to break the laws or change the laws? Have other abuses occurred by the same perpetrators in the name of “love of a child” while ignoring “what the child wants” AND deserves? Welcome to the international IVF of Abu Ghraib and ISIS – where lawlessness punishes innocent children and their families because they dared to help others where laws itself fell short.

As a human being trying to have a child and experiencing multiple failed attempts, you are not a male or female, not a father or mother, not fertile or infertile, you are just a loving want-to-be-parent pying for your child. Its the 21st century and just like women are getting long overdue equal rights at work, is it time for qualified men to get equal parental rights at home? An IVF father who uses both a donor and surrogate goes through his own set of ups and downs of an IVF journey including lack of laws discriminating against him and his children. And when his innocent children are abused and used like commodities, he speaks up like any other parent. He is speaking up for the rights of his innocent children. That does not mean innocent IVF children should be punished for crimes they did not commit.  Struggles of IVF children and families maybe new but the principles are common like slavery, women suffrage,  civil rights, interracial marriages, gay rights, transgender rights and then IVF rights.  Is the world and are the laws ready for equal rights of IVF children and families in the 21st century?

Change is Refreshing – IVF rights

Whether be it spouse caregiver or being an immigrant or being an IVF father or being all of the above – change is required for all. If one does not havechange-refreshing-ivf  the intent to “become the change you want to see in this world”, no person can constantly go through such life-changing events. There is positive change and there is negative change. Positive is sharing and caring while negative is secrecy and lying. What will not ebb is the constant flow of the river of change. Despite seeing all the trauma in life, when one sees the abuse repeated on their innocent children, life stops and makes you wonder, is it time to speak up finally?

There are parents of children with mental disabilities or physical disabilities or victims of bullying or victims of abuse or children with Down’s Syndrome or victims of lies. As a parent, do you abandon the innocent child or do you stand up for what’s right? I am an IVF parent and while IVF may not be a disability, the lack of laws for IVF children and families sure makes it feel like so. The result is the same – unequal rights for innocent children and families. And it is much better to fight for equal rights for all IVF children and families instead of lying about it including breaking laws.  Thats what an IVF father who is also an immigrant and part of an intersex family is doing for his IVF children – standing up finally after years of abuse in secrecy.

It is obvious that an intersex, immigrant, international IVF family should not exist legally in the 2000s. Unless some laws were broken, this would not be possible. Even in 2014, it is taboo to talk about an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. But truth always finds a way and time always supports the truth. People can choose to be secretive and lie about the facts for personal benefits OR speak up and fight for the truth for themselves and others to come. After all, what is so WRONG about helping a fellow human being who is intersex, infertile and an immigrant for whom laws itself fall short? Why should one continue to lie while other intersex or infertile or immigrant children and families are suffering due to lack of laws?

A murderer is also a man or woman, someone’s son or daughter, father or mother, brother or sister BUT still a murderer. They are right here amongst us.  Just like that an intended IVF parent is also someone’s daughter or son, sister or brother, mother or father BUT may also be an IVF criminal. By fighting for the truth, we hope to address the rights of the IVF children, what are the rights of the IVF child when born during a divorce? Are IVF children a “commodity” OR are they real human beings with equal protection as children? What happens when laws fall short and people take advantage and break the laws?

With cases like “baby Gammy” or “baby Medhavi” becoming a common occurrence, it is time to speak up, especially the people who are affected by these lack of laws. One can appreciate that the IVF community is a minority and there may not be many takers but if you are a parent, you would care because you care about any child as a loving parent. If you are a law-abiding human being, you would care because humanity is our cornerstone and when people break laws for personal benefit while placing innocent children as shields, there has to be consequences.

It is very traumatic to live as an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. But it is far more traumatic to knowingly split innocent IVF siblings and place them in legal limbo. Sadly love and compassion do not matter but laws do as our lives are ruled by laws. By UNITING the innocent IVF siblings we send two messages that laws matter AND so restores faith in humanity where compassion matters. Are we ready to do the right thing in 2014 or do we have to wait a century for equal rights for IVF children and families and give them justice?

Hate Crimes Against Innocent IVF Children and Family

The issue is not being intersex/DSD or infertility. The issue is secrecy and lying. When we had gone in for a medical diagnosis, it was to understand why we could nothate-crime-ivf conceive, it ws a fertility test. What we came out with is a diagnosis for Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) – an intersex/DSD condition. Ever since I was young, I always dreamt of being a father, a good parent. Having a child was very important and thats why we had gone in for a fertility diagnosis and was totally unprepared to deal with a diagnosis of CAIS. Much like a woman with PCOS or MRKH or CAH, or CAIS, no matter how hard a “couple” tries to get pregnant, without technology like IVF, its never going to happen. It was critical to understand that a CAIS couple are two males – it is not offensive, it is a scientific fact and a critical fact to understand when trying to have a child. Sugar coating it, wishful thinking is not going to produce a miraculous baby, science might be able to help! Hate crimes against anyone is wrong including hate crimes against innocent IVF children and families. Respect for all is paramount as we move ahead in 21st century with respecting diversity and IVF children and parents are part of this diversity. IVF is the new black, new gay, new orange. An innocent IVF father who happens to be part of an intersex/DSD marriage and its inherent lack of laws was left to die with his IVF child, but they survived. If you think IVF children and families deserve equal rights, please do sign the petition. 

“When this is over, I’m going to go in my son’s room, my black son, who wears his pants sagging, wears his hat cocked to the side, has tattoos on his arms, but that’s my baby, And we all ought to be thanking the Browns for Michael, because Michael is going to make it better for our sons, so they can be better black men. So they can be better for our daughters, so they can be better black women.” – said Captain Ron Johnson.

As an IVF father, when this is over, my IVF son, who is born of my sperm, anonymous donor and surrogate despite fraud documentation, who loves his father, who wanted a sibling as an IVF child of an IVF father, who wants to meet his siblings but is not allowed to, but thats my baby, he deserves his rights even though he is born IVF. And my IVF daughter does not deserve to be abandoned and be treated like a “commodity”, she is her own individual with her own human rights. It is important to speak up for rights of IVF children and families so that we have better IVF parents and people who abuse the laws and knowingly place innocent children’s welfare at risk should be punished. At the end of the day, humanity should matter.

Just like a woman undergoing fertility treatment, a man can also undergo fertility treatment. The “feelings” of despair, anxiety, loneliness, sleeplessness, sometimes happiness, parental love, are common to both an intended IVF mother OR IVF father. If a woman can dream to provide a sibling for her child, can an IVF father have the same dream? Or are we in the wrong decade/century? Are the feelings the same? Remembering one’s dreams and longing for a child are common to both intended IVF mother or IVF father. When other friends or couples are having children and people ask “Are you next?”, the sinking feeling is common to any infertile person or infertile couple. Especially where a fertile spouse is forced to hold silence for the sake of “respect” of the infertile spouse. That does NOT diminish the fact that the fertile spouse still gets a sinking feeling whenever someone makes an inadvertent comment like “Are you next?” The quizzing, questioning is not wrong because the truth has been hidden from them, the secrecy and lies is what’s wrong.

The question is NOT whether “mothers” are best OR “fathers” are less worthy of a parent, the question is what is the best interest of the child. The answer should be who is a better role model for the child and who can fulfill the needs of the child. Sadly, facts like love, compassion, honesty, integrtity are good words and philosophy, they only look good on paper, they are not worthy in evaluating a “good parent”. Sadly, human emotions do not count but laws rule our lives and so lets stick with laws regardless of how incompassionate or heinous the laws are.

If fathers are so bad then why are IVF treatments allowed for single fathers or gay fathers or intersex fathers? Shouldn’t the love and compassion be more important than the gender of a parent? Shouldn’t the dreams of an individual be more important than their lifestyle choices? Shouldn’t an IVF brother be allowed to grow up with his IVF sister he wanted than be SPLIT up? Shouldn’t the best interest of children count more than adults who lie and break laws? Does an IVF father have the right to exercise his parental rights OR should he be forced to abandon his other IVF child?

A US Court on one side cites that India has not signed the Hague Treaty on Child Abduction and therefore is justified in not allowing an Indian citizen minor to go to India and lie to him. While on the other side the US laws require a “genetic link” between US parents and children born outside the US like IVF children. The right answer is to have US laws catch up with technology like IVF. Regardless of the justification, splitting innocent siblings is NOT the right answer, especially when done knowingly. No country has laws for IVF children and families but while we as a humanity struggle to get there, why SPLIT up innocent siblings whose only fault is to be born IVF? These hate crimes against innocent IVF family need to stop whether it is 2014 or 2114 (by when, the hope is equal rights for IVF children and families will exist). Just as it was wrong in 1800 to deny rights to a slave because of their skin color despite it being legal, it is wrong to SPLIT innocent IVF children and family. Crimes have occurred because no prevailing laws allows the current scenario. What action has been taken against the people responsible for the hate crimes against innocent IVF children and family?

Bullying and intimidating an IVF father and his IVF children is not the right answer, passing equal rights for IVF children and families is the right answer. When one has been left to die but they survive, a new beginning dawns. For us, it is to legalize our IVF children because they are living human beings who deserve their basic human rights and child rights.

View of Justice and Outrage

It is a tragedy that 298 innocent lives were lost for a conflict thats not theirs. But today those 298, their families have forever joined the conflict either MH-17-Missile-Attack-IVF-Outrage-Justice by chance or circumstances. Rest of the world has joined in because of the outrage at innocent lives lost. An innocent family got involved with lack of laws for intersex/DSD, IVF, immigration either by chance or circumstances. Now we are also dealing with the same issues that an intersex/DSD, infertile, immigrant deals with. We all should be outraged at the lack of justice for innocent victims.

In the Sunday Times, Mr Cameron said the UK was not seeking confrontation with President Vladimir Putin or suggesting military action. He said: “Russia can use this moment to find a path out of this festering, dangerous crisis. I hope it will do so. But if that does not happen then we must respond robustly.” He wrote: “We must establish the full facts of what happened. But the growing weight of evidence points to a clear conclusion: That MH17 was blown out of the sky by a surface-to-air missile fired from a rebel-held area. If it is the case, then we must be clear what it means: This is a direct result of Russia destabilising a sovereign state, violating its territorial integrity, backing thuggish militias and training and arming them. We must turn this moment of outrage into a moment of action.”

This site is about IVF rights, so lets look at this statement from the view of innocent IVF siblings who have knowingly and deliberately been SPLIT just like the tragic MH-17 flight was shot down knowingly and deliberately.

1) No one is trying to seek confrontation with any government but just want to grow up as a happy IVF family. The powers that be can use this moment to right multiple wrongs and must establish the full facts. The known weight of evidence points to a clear conclusion : There is no genetic lick between the IVF child and the parent raising them despite US laws requiring a genetic link between US parent and child born outside the US. Having inadvertent lack of laws against IVF children and families is one thing but for someone to deliberately use the loopholes to SPLIT innocent siblings and a loving parent is a hate crime against the IVF family. This is a direct result of continuous secrecy, lying, fraud, breaking laws, and destabilising an IVF family, violating its love and compassion, backing criminals who break laws for their own selfish benefit. The right answer is to fix the laws so that environment like this is not created where infertile people will do anything for the sake of a child including alienating them from their biological family and siblings. Whose best interest are we serving? An adult who lies, cheats, fraud and breaks laws OR the innocent children? Regardless of how we pontificate on this sensitive and “taboo” subject, SPLITTING innocent siblings is NOT the answer.

2) If a woman had used her egg, got a sperm donor and surrogate, and had two lovely IVF children, would the IVF siblings be separated? Would anyone even consider doing this? So the only fault of the innocent IVF siblings to be SPLIT is because their parent is a male? We have a long ways to go as a society but in the process let’s not punish innocent children.

3) As a double whammy – Malaysia airlines lost another plane MH-370 and is dealing with double jeopardy for situations they were placed in circumstantially. The IVF father here is also part of an intersex marriage and that was also dealt with secrecy, lies, fraud and concealed care. The lesson learnt is LYING is not the answer. The world may not be ready yet to deal with complex and so called “taboo” subjects like intersex, IVF, infertility, dysfertility, immigration simultaneously. But that’s our life, these are the facts – we have to DEAL with them regardless of whether the society or the laws are ready. This is our MH-370 and MH-17.

We must turn this moment of outrage into a moment of action and fight for equal rights for IVF children and families. Our hearts and prayers are with the innocent lives lost and their families. Your strength gives us strength.

Happy Birthday Madiba and You Continue To Inspire US

July 18 – Madiba’s birthday – one of the greatest humanitarian of the 20th century and possibly ever. His words and actions continue to inspire us. In nelson-mandela-IVFthe 21st century, we are dealing with some sensitive and complex human rights issues as well. Come take this journey with us to understand what it means to deal with intersex (DSD), immigration, IVF (infertility) simultaneously while being forced to become invisible. The four I’s. One can understand that most people would not know the complications of dealing with the 4 I’s but if educated and made aware they can appreciate and understand why equal rights for intersex and IVF children and families is the right answer. Living in secrecy, living with lies is never the right answer. Because secrecy and stigma are the biggest culprits which may force some people to lie, cheat, fraud, break laws. How do words of Madiba resonate as we fight for equal rights in the 21st century? For those who think is the child happy, the question is can he be happier with his sibling and loving biological family? The question is will truth prevail or will he be “happy” under the guise of secrecy and lies? The question is as an intersex family, we have already witnessed and been victimized what lies do to innocent children – the result is we have two SPLIT siblings, lets NOT repeat lies in the “best interest of the children”. You would have to walk a step in the shoes of an intersex, IVF, immigrant, invisible family first before passing any judgement. Whatever judgement you pass, add a line at the end…”and thats why its OK to abandon a child AND split innocent siblings”. You will get the answer from your heart. 

1) “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

If people can offend someone by wrong words or actions, they can make it right by saying the right words or actions. If people can deny someone their rights including innocent children, they can make it right by respecting their rights. It is sad that prevailing laws require a “genetic link” between a US parent and a child born outside the US meaning an infertile person in the US can never legally bring a child born outside the US. The right answer is to change the laws and bring them in sync with 21st century ideologies. It is wrong to use secrecy, lies, cheating, fraud, breaking the laws, abandoning innocent children, placing innocent children in legal limbo to have a child at any and all costs and denying rights to several people for the sake of one. Fix the laws, dont split innocent siblings under lies – it will never be the right answer. Learn to say the truth instead of learning to lie – a good lesson to also teach our children. If someone can be taught to be selfish, we can also learn to respect all. If someone can be taught to lie, they can also be taught to say the truth because truth comes naturally.

2) “What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.”

Dealing with the 4 I’s in 2000s simultaneously is well a recipe for death. It is the secrecy and lies which will do you in. Thanks to the support of loving family and the fact that “it takes a village” to raise a child where friends and neighbours still help out is why we can cheat DEATH despite being left to die. The second life has been given to make a difference. Before we were making a difference silently and now it’s time to make a difference vocally by spreading awareness and education so that equal rights for intersex and IVF children and families become a reality. Because if these rights existed in 2000s, two innocent IVF siblings would not be growing apart. Innocent IVF siblings are victims of the war on fertility. Lets make it a better world, lets make a difference with truth and respect.

3) “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.”

For decades, medical professionals, highly educated and possibly the best subject matter experts in dealing with intersex health care relied on a concealment based approach including secrecy, lies, creating fraud medical records claiming it to be in the “best interest of the patient”. After years of objections, they were finally proved wrong despite their highest education and credentials because they had used “lies”. In fact the actions are so bad that the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture called for a STOP to such intersex surgeries basically amounting to calling the medical professionals actions for decades as “torture”. While the ones who perpetrated these actions will NEVER be tried, let us learn and never LIE to innocent children. It does NO good. Let us NOT lie to IVF children and repeat the same mistakes. We have evidence of what happens when a system teaches and helps a person lie, they become arrogant and start lying and breaking laws which denies other people their basic human rights like an opportunity for a brother to grow up with his sister he wanted OR a son wanting to grow up with his biological father, his primary care provider OR a daughter who is left abandoned and stranded forcing her father to raise her in exile away from her brother OR ALSO ABANDON her. Education is more powerful and dealing with the 4 I’s in 2000s and is all about CHANGE. 

4) “For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

For to have the love of a child where laws itself falls short, it is not love when it has come at the price of abandoning their sibling and SPLITTING siblings OR placing both innocent IVF children at risk and in legal limbo. Do they have the freedom to go anywhere in the world and explore? Do they have a legal identity? Is making an innocent child “legally invisible” respecting their rights and freedom? Are there laws to respect the rights of an IVF child when born during a divorce? Why is there an IVF prison for innocent IVF children and families? Is it such a heinous crime to want to build families through IVF that the punishment is to SPLIT innocent siblings and parent?

5) “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

These words have carried us far and will continue to do so. How many people you know who have gone through the trauma of the 4 I’s simultaneously and lived to say the truth? If you fall for the sake of a child, is it really a “fall”? Lets learn and NOT repeat what we did for decades to intersex children by lying and forcing “societal norms”, lets not repeat the cycle with innocent IVF children and expect a different outcome. Let’s end the cycle of secrecy, lying and provide real meaning to the phrase, “best interest of the child”. As a society, let us not fall, let us rise with respect and truth.

Secrecy and stigma are the real cuplrits, lets overcome them with education and awareness while maintaining truth and respect for all.

Let Freedom Ring Free

OMG, how can an IVF father raise an IVF child? Thats the most common reaction for an IVF father living in exile raising an abandoned IVF child. Why is the focus on the “gender” of a parent? This stereotype manifests itself into laws which actually hurts innocent IVF children. And as a parent, that is more than offensive, more than traumatic and it is torturous to see your innocent child being punished for crimes they did not commit and due to their parent’s “gender”. freedom ring free ivfDiscrimination against males and females, mothers and fathers is actually hurting innocent children due to lack of laws. As a parent, all one wants is the best for their children and at the very least provide equal rights for their children. For a mentally and/or physically challenged child, the parent wants the best for their child and laws to support that, for an IVF child, an IVF parent wants the best for their child and laws to support that. Not mother, not father but a parent. While the compassion and concern is appreciated one receives as an IVF father, the real answer is to address the inadequacy of the laws in the 21st century. We want freedom, we want respect and more than anything we want equal rights for our IVF children and families.

It would be nice to see someday the question that how does a “parent” feel? Gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers are just parents. Let us not continue the discrimination with innocent children of gay fathers, single fathers, intersex fathers by “classifying” them. They are just innocent children of their loving parents, shouldn’t that be enough? I have a dream that someday it is the character and love of a parent that will count more than the gender of a parent. Dealing with infertility is NOT a women’s issue. Dealing with infertility is a CHILD issue. Dealing with infertility is a HUMAN issue. Let us not PUNISH innocent children due to the war on fertility.

Recently, Indra Nooyi, an accomplished individual and voted one of the top 50 most influential women in the world said that “Women can’t have it all” and it is hard to have a work-life balance. What about IVF fathers, can they have it all when it comes to loving and raising their IVF children together at home? Are the centuries old stereotypes hurting us as a society? If women are trying to break the “glass ceiling” at work, are fathers at home waiting to get equal rights? If a woman is disfranchised at work, someone still gets the job done although the woman still maybe a victim of unequal laws and stereotypes. At home, when fathers are discriminated, it is the innocent child who gets disenfranchised, a living, breathing human being – is this what our society wants moving forward? Let us not continue to give unequal rights to fathers at home which directly abuses the rights of innocent children. If women can’t have it all, can innocent IVF girl have it all? Like a legal identity, a passport to travel freely to visit her brother, see the snow, see the wild animals and explore the world?

In other news, the Indian Supreme Court recently said that women are “misusing” the anti-dowry laws to protect them instead they have turned it into a weapon. Laws are created to protect people. When people “misuse” the law, it fails in spirit of the law and is disrespectful to the legal system and endangers the welfare of innocent children. If you have a little daughter, is this what you would want to teach her which is to place innocent grandfathers and grandmothers in prison under false accusations just so that you can harass your spouse? It begs the question – If women “misuse” anti-dowry laws, what would infertile people do who cannot legally have a child without a “genetic link”? Exactly at what point do we say its enough? Perhaps when innocent children are being abused and placed in legal limbo for the selfish advantage of an infertile adult who happens to lie which breaks laws – is that enough? We all have skeletons in the closet but when those skeletons happen to be of innocent children OR compassionate surrogates rights, someone has to speak up. The TRUTH has to be told so that a change in laws can occur in the best interest of children. Children are NOT the criminals – so why should they be punished by being palced in legal limbo?

If a four year old wants to go to America to see her brother OR a nine year old brother wants to come to India to see her sister- she/he should be able to? Why deny them the right because an adult infertile person wants to break the laws for selfish advantage?

If a four year old wants to go to Canada to see the snow or go to Africa to see the giraffes and zebra – she should be able to? Why deny them the right because an adult infertile person wants to break the laws for selfish advantage?

IVF fathers are tough. Especially, ones who made multiple trips to the IVF clinics by themselves. Regardless of whether they are gay, single, intersex fathers, straight fathers, compassionate fathers, loving fathers, they made the trips alone because they wanted a child. And to ask a parent, an IVF parent to abandon their IVF child because LAWS are inadequate is insane and heartless. It questions every being of humanity within us.  If it does not raise your hairs, it should. If it raises your hairs, raise them more. Because this is a nightmare for any parent – the worst form of casteism. Where the actions of a parent are used against innocent children forever. Let the innocent children have freedom and have their own individual rights – show them true love.