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Coming To America for Justice for IVF Children

Little over 25 years ago, like many immigrants at the time and millions more before us over the centuries came to America – the promised land of truth, liberty and justiceBornFreeJustice-IVF It was an exciting time, on the fun side, movies like “Coming to America” was released which captured the American spirit of hard work and respect for all. On a more serious note, in 2015, it is again a very exciting time to “Coming to America” as an international IVF/Surrogacy children and family to get justice we deserve. Freedom to roam free and opportunity to be united as intended as a family. It is important to go through the process of justice because only then it can be fully understood the torture, trauma, abuse, injustice, horror of what we went through and this should NEVER occur again. If there is a country, a system not afraid of the truth, then it is America who can give us the basic human dignity and respect as human beings. It is this faith and hope in America where everyone is equal is what gives us the strength and courage to say the truth.

In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. – “A threat to justice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” and “Justice delayed is justice denied“. Our prayers are to let truth prevail and do what’s in the best interest of the innocent children.

On the positive side, if anyone looks at our case honestly and hollistically, more has been done for human rights where laws and governments fall short. If an intersex, immigrant, IVF parent helps by respecting human rights of people where laws and government itself fall short, who protects their rights? Or is it a crime to show compassion? Why is it the burden of innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and parent to give rights to intersex, immigrant, infertile where laws itself fall short? Isn’t that what governments and laws do? We tried and ended up splitting our world apart, it is obvious it is NOT the job of individuals. Are innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and their parents human beings too equally deserving of basic human dignity and respect?

There is no doubt that intersex marriage, immigration, legal third gender, equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families will be legal someday (1,5,10,20,50 years?) which is what we have already been through in secrecy and lies but even then abandoning a child (natural born or IVF/Surrogacy born) will remain a crime. Because that’s the America I know and love. Once a child is born, regardless of their birth type, they are equal and should be deserving of justice. Ironically, good-minded people, government officials, system, etc. say things which are offensive and is a downright discrimination based on birth type but because of the “newness” don’t realize their inadvertent offensive words and/or actions. It simply shows there is a lot more work to do to educate and spread awareness and build tolerance for IVF/Surrogacy children and families. Is building families through IVF/Surrogacy a crime? Or is it so heinous that families should be forced to be split up? Or is that the laws have not caught up with technology?

America is a great land where once the social conscience is awakened, it takes action rather than persecuting the messenger. From slavery to women suffrage to civil rights to gay rights, we have great historical lessons of justice, is it time for equal rights for IVF/Surrogacy children and families? We are coming to America for justice and freedom – something alienated and stolen from innocent IVF/Surrogacy siblings. This is a dream of an IVF parent to unite his innocent children but he is also an American and Americans don’t leave one of their own behind and nor do they ever stop fighting for truth and justice. Together we move ahead.

It’s a new dawn, 2015 is a new year. Is the world ready to embrace the ground realities and the lack of laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families? The only way forward is ahead and together. We need honesty and inclusiveness in solving complex international IVF/Surrogacy child rights and human rights issues; secrecy, lies, circumventing laws are not healthy nor are they in the best interest of the child.

International IVF/Surrogacy and The Quest for Basic Human Dignity and Respect

Let there be no doubt – we are extremely grateful to the Indian and US governments, the officials, and all the people who signed the petition and gave AskObamaModi-IVFsupport and some went beyond and above to support (you know who you are) in order to take the first steps to UNITE innocent IVF/Surrogacy children – siblings. They are innocent and they are children – they are voiceless and they deserve basic human dignity and respect. This should have NEVER happened in the first place and should NEVER happen again.  Infertility is often dealt with secrecy and lies meaning very few stories come out – does that mean the best interest of the child has been maintained? By stating the truth and petitioning the democratically elected officials for change in the best interest of the child is the right answer. If its a crime to discriminate based on race, gender, religion, birth place, gender orientation, etc, it should also be a crime to discriminate based on birth type – IVF/Surrogacy or natural. For one IVF parent, this is a lifelong fight – first for innocent IVF children and there are miles to go before one sleeps. It is one thing when the laws are playing “catch up” with technology but it is another for someone to use the loopholes to deny basic human dignity and respect to innocent, voiceless IVF/Surrogacy children. At the end of the day, this is about FREEDOM. We GAVE the world where laws itself fall short in an intersex marriage, intersex immigration, infertility, IVF and our WORLD has been taken away from us. Why is the burden of giving equal rights for an intersex, infertile, immigrant be placed on an IVF father and his children, shouldn’t it be the responsibility of the governments and laws? An IVF father and his IVF children are human beings too with equal rights and deserve justice too, right? We are fighting against TIME and its time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.

We ensure the coffee we purchase from abroad is “worker rights” approved, we ensure the clothes we purchase from abroad is “child rights” approved but abandoning an IVF/Surrogacy child abroad has NO rights? A living breathing, human being who came into this world with consent of an American. This is NOT the America I know. We have baby changing stations in public places, we have special signages for kids in public places, people stop when kids cross the road even if they are breaking the laws but NO justice for an abandoned IVF/Surrogacy child abroad? This is NOT the America I know. We can do better, we must do better for the international IVF/Surrogacy children who are human beings too and are just as valuable and equal as any other child who deserve equal rights AND justice.

Question posted on #MannKiBaat held on January 27, 2015 : Honourable Modiji and Obamaji, in the 21st century, when will we get equal rights for #‎IVF‬ children and families? As Gandhiji said, someone you both admire and respect, what can you as global world leaders do to help to become the change you want to see in this world? #‎ChildRights‬‪ #‎HumanRights‬

Become the change you want to see in this world” – Mahatma Gandhi

This was an inspiration 15 years ago when unknowingly we embarked on a journey of intersex, immigrant, IVF rights and still continues to inspire today as we seek equal rights and respect for all. Let us see some use cases of international IVF/Surrogacy and its effects. Its important to note this is not the norm and  each are unique in their own way and in the end each case was dealt separately in the best interest of the child because EVERY LIFE counts.

  • Case 1) A US Citizen single mother had used donor sperm and donor egg to have children through IVF. She is a dual citizen and carried the IVF twins to term and gave birth to them outside the US but when she approached the US Government, her innocent IVF twins were DENIED US Citizenship because as per US Immigration laws she did not have a “genetic link” rendering the innocent children “stateless”. After 4.5 years of petitioning, the US government changed its laws AND made it retroactive to allow her children to get US Citizenship. Its the right way forward and kudos to the US to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).
  • Case 2) A Canadian couple used an anonymous egg donor and surrogate in India using the husband’s sperm and had twins through IVF/Surrogacy in India but sadly one of the twins had no “genetic link” with the Canadian husband and due to prevailing Canadian Immigration laws, one of the IVF siblings could not leave India and became “stateless”. The couple took the BOLD step to moving lock, stock and barrel from Canada to India AND NEVER thought of abandoning or splitting the siblings and for 6 years continued to fight and petition their government eventually the government softening its stance to allow the “non-genetic” IVF child to immigrate to Canada. Its the right way forward and kudos to Canada to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).
  • Case 3) An Australian couple used an anonymous egg donor and surrogate in Thailand using the husband’s sperm and had twins through IVF/Surrogacy in Thailand but sadly one of the twins was born with Down’s Syndrome and the Australian couple split the siblings leaving behind one of the child while taking the other with them back to Australia. The left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child with Down’s syndrome is #babyGammy and in less than a year, the Australian government allowed #babyGammy and his surrogate to immigrate to Australia, gave them a home, car, money and an Australian citizenship with all its benefits and rights. Its the right way forward and kudos to Australia to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).
  • Case 4) An Indian couple who were living in the US as immigrants already had one IVF/Surrogacy child and wanted to provide a sibling. The IVF father using his sperm, anonymous egg donor and surrogate in India has two lovely IVF/Surrogacy children born in India and while one is in the US, the other was abandoned and left-behind in India. While the IVF father can go anywhere, the innocent IVF/Surrogacy girl child in India is rendered “stateless” leaving the IVF father to make a “Sophie’s Choice” (Oscar nominated Meryl Streep movie from 1984) between his lovely IVF son in US OR his lovely IVF daughter in India? After 5.5 years of petitioning, the Indian and US governments worked together to allow a “legal identity” for the left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child. Its the right way forward and kudos to the Indian and US governments  to show leadership in this infant arena (no pun intended).

We look forward to UNITE innocent siblings and we want justice – which is basic human dignity and respect.

Analysis – Personal issue or laws catching up with technology issues? Is there a difference between IVF parent or IVF father and more importantly, what does the IVF child care about?

  • When the IVF children of the “dual citizen mother” in case 1 were given basic human dignity and respect, the IVF father asked for the same for his innocent children but was denied. The consequences are on the innocent IVF children and no parent wants their child to be punished for crimes they did not commit. Is it a crime to be born through IVF/Surrogacy? Or is it because the “legal parent” is a “male”? It is time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.
  • When the IVF child of the Canadian couple in case 2 was given basic human dignity and respect, the IVF father again asked for the same for his innocent children but was denied. Is it a crime to be born through IVF/Surrogacy? Or is it because the “legal parent” is a “male”? It is time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.
  • When #babyGammy in Case 3 was given Australian citizenship, rights, home, car, money, etc. and given basic human dignity and respect, the IVF father again asked for the same for his innocent children but was denied. Instead of providing rights to the child, the IVF father was asked to provide financial support (as required by laws), asked why he has been unemployed for last 5+ years outside the US (trying to save a left-behind girl child), etc. We don’t want the money, the home, the car, we just want justice and basic human dignity and respect. Why is a left-behind innocent IVF/Surrogacy girl child being discriminated based on her “legal parent’s” gender – a male? It is time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.

Having a “left-behind” male parent is rare but IVF/Surrogacy presents this situation. The question is what are the consequences and how do we MOVE FORWARD in the best interest of the child who has same needs as any other child – right to basic human dignity and respect.

This is NOT a “personal issue”, this is a child rights issue and a human rights issue and basic human dignity and respect for every human life. International IVF/Surrogacy presents some unique situations, are the laws there to protect the innocent both when the results are GOOD and BAD? Is there a check and balance? As we have seen, most IVF/Surrogacy parents (genetic or non-genetic) uphold their responsibility and accountability for the welfare of the child, what happens when they don’t? What happens when there are a few bad apples? What are the rights of the abandoned, left-behind IVF/Surrogacy child? Answers to these questions are NOT a “personal issue” but a multilateral approach by governments to make laws in the best interest of children while maintaining basic human dignity and respect for every life. In the 21st century, the laws need to get in sync with the ground realities before more innocent children are hurt.

Its time to be on the RIGHT side of HISTORY. In the future, intersex marriages will be legal and respected (like we did), infertility will be respected and legal (like we did), IVF/Surrogacy will be respected and legal (like we did), BUT ABANDONING a child (IVF or natural) is a crime today and will REMAIN A CRIME even when these other rights are bestowed. As an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and fighting for basic human dignity and respect, I have experienced abuse, offensive interactions (sometimes the other person/government not even realizing they are being offensive), discrimination, double standards, threats, intimidation, torture, etc. These have only made me stronger to fight for my innocent, voiceless children who are EQUALLY deserving of rights as a child. We did NOT get into this situation “accidentally”, we were deliberately placed here and we are ONLY beginning to DIG OUT. As a minority within a minority, we are HUMANS too, we have EQUAL RIGHTS too, or don’t we? We are fighting against TIME and its time to change mindsets because its hurting innocent children.

International IVF/Surrogacy Freedom….Freedom….Freedom

Freedom….freedom….freedom (Sing it to the tune of Eddie James song, Freedom). Oh! how sweet is the feeling of freedom. Especially when you are fightingIVF-Freedom for someone else’s freedom. Especially when the freedom is of a child. Especially when the freedom is of an innocent. Especially when the freedom is of a girl. Especially when the freedom is of a sister. Especially when the freedom is of a daughter. Especially when the freedom is of an abandoned child. 1951 days, 20 hours, 42 seconds is apparently the wait time for IVF Freedom. This is a moment to enjoy the freedom and be grateful to everyone who has helped on this journey of freedom for innocent IVF/Surrogacy child.

Today is the beginning of a new era. It is an era of freedom and truth. It is an era of basic human dignity and respect even for the most innocent of lives. It is an era that the freed will define. It is an era where dreams will be made, dreams will be freely shared, dreams will be freely experienced, dreams will be freely lived. It is an era where every human life counts and is valued equally. It is an era where the voiceless have a voice. It is an era where the minority within minority is also respected and allowed to live freely.

It is a momentous week for international left-behind IVF/Surrogacy children. #babyGammy in Australia and @UniteMeduvada in India and US. We also respect IVF baby C of Canada whose parents stuck it out in India for 6 years before getting freedom. This is a club no one wishes on anyone to be a part of but everyone survived to make it through. Let us hope the democratically elected governments are listening to the real issues of real citizens who are building families in a different way through international IVF/Surrogacy and its consequences on innocent children. We can only move forward together while inadvertently not denying rights of the people we love most – innocent children. Wish everyone a hearty hug of freedom and a dollop of equality and may the fresh air of freedom make all your dreams come true. Let the child shine brighter than the sun.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As the song goes, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”. Turns out “RESPECT” is a common theme for generations for fighting various social issues. Be it the slaves, Susan Anthony, Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa respect-in-ivfParks, Madiba, Dr. King, Edie Windsor, and so on. Gautam Buddha had said that desire is the cause of suffering. Is a child a need or a want (desire)? Is having a child a right or privilege? Can we RESPECT the rights of a child? Is IVF/Surrogacy to help only infertility/dysfertility of adults OR does the IVF/Surrogacy child have rights? Infertility is very traumatic, laws are lacking when it comes to helping people without a “genetic link” with a child, so the best way is to circumvent these laws and lie, cheat, fraud and SPLIT innocent, voiceless IVF/Surrogacy siblings? Their innocence should not be ignored, rather protected. Their voicelessness should not be a cause for denial of rights, rather ensure equal rights. We want RESPECT and EQUAL rights for innocent, international IVF/Surrogacy children. If a US Citizen father can be united with his son after years, why can’t another son be united with his father and siblings? Is lack of laws for international IVF/Surrogacy children and families a disability which deserves attention?

Where is the RESPECT?

  1. We gave more respect to an intersex person than what the laws give. We gave more respect to an intersex patient than what medical professionals give. We gave more respect to an intersex immigrant than what the laws give. We gave more respect to an infertile person than laws give. We gave more respect to an infertile, intersex, immigrant than what laws give and more than what their own family gave. Where is the respect for an IVF family including innocent children? Abandoning and splitting our innocent IVF siblings is the best answer?
  2. If infertility is a disease, can the cure be to split innocent IVF/Surrogacy siblings? Where is the respect for the rights of the children?
  3. Is IVF/Surrogacy a disability due to lack of laws and the wild west approach? We need a ramp in terms of laws and allow us basic human decency and respect. 
  4. When two children are born exactly the same way through international IVF/Surrogacy, one is lied about to circumvent the lack of laws while the same limitations in the laws are cleverly manipulated and used against the other IVF/Surrogacy sibling to abandon them while leaving them in legal limbo and thus splitting the innocent siblings. Where is the respect for children and their rights?
  5. While the one child who is lied about gets to the US circumventing the laws, the other is land-locked in India due to the same lack of laws. The laws need to be applied consistently, either allow both in the US or allow both in India and the result is the innocent, voiceless siblings are UNITED. The intent was to have children and raise them lovingly together, SPLITTING them was never a goal. Inconsistency in application of the laws is discrimination. Where is the respect?
  6. Is the message then that if an infertile person lies, cheats, breaks laws, they deserve compassion and crimes will be overlooked? Where is the compassion for an innocent, voiceless IVF/Surrogacy child who is abandoned and SPLIT from their sibling? We must respect women, can we start with respecting the rights of an innocent, abandoned IVF/surrogacy girl child?
  7. If a non-genetic person gets custody of an IVF/Surrogacy child they should also be held equally responsible and accountable for an IVF/Surrogacy child they consented to in the best interest of the child, surrogate and the left-behind parent. Having a “check and balance” system both provides justice to innocent and serves as a deterrent to prevent crime in the first place.
  8. When an IVF/Surrogacy child is abandoned, one ALSO abandons the compassionate egg donor and surrogate. Would they have agreed to help if they were told the resulting child would be abandoned? Who protects their rights and respect them?
  9. When an infertile person pretends to have given birth to a child which biologically they cannot, are they disrespecting the truth and the compassionate contributions of the donor and surrogate AND are they disrespecting other IVF parents who have to suffer due to lack of laws and for being truthful (like waiting years to get their IVF/Surrogacy child a legal identity)? Is this the kind of respect to teach the IVF/Surrogacy child? And how do these lies help change the laws so that others don’t have to lie and split siblings in order to have a child at any and all costs?
  10. When an intersex person pretends to have given birth to a child which biologically they cannot, are they disrespecting the trauma and abuse of the spouse AND other intersex people who continue to suffer due to lack of laws and them wanting to live truthfully? While all may not understand this, but an intersex person understands that lies are the worst culprits as they have been subjected to it for decades. Why continue a “different” set of lies onto innocent IVF/Surrogacy children and expect different results? And how do these lies help change the laws so that other intersex people don’t have to lie to have children by splitting them?
  11. One can understand the desire to have a child at any and all costs but should it be a trade of “child for a child” and splitting innocent siblings? Where is the respect in that?
  12. An intersex, immigrant, IVF parent survived despite the extreme trauma, where is the respect in his contributions and those that of his family specifically in raising the IVF/Surrogacy infants under extreme trauma and stress?
  13. While people and LAWS are still debating on “equal rights” for intersex, IVF/Surrogacy children and families, we have already been there and done that, now what about rights of our innocent IVF/Surrogacy children who are deliberately SPLIT? Where is their RESPECT?
  14. Right answer will never be splitting siblings or breaking laws, right answer is petitioning for updation in laws for intersex, IVF, immigrant children and families so that people don’t feel threatened by laws to actually conspire to willfully abandon and split IVF siblings.
  15. Children have rights too, yeah? Even if they are voiceless, yeah? By stating facts, we are stopping the lies and abuse while also respecting the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings for who they are. RESPECT, give some, get some.

No one is claiming intersex or infertile or IVF/Surrogacy parents or children are wrong despite what the laws claim. It is the LIES which are wrong. Especially lies which circumvents laws and risks innocent lives of others. Like everything else, there are always a few bad apples and a few bad apples should NOT ruin it for others. However, we need to build a system of checks and balance so that the innocent are protected and victims rights are ensured from the few bad apples. Criminals lie to hide facts. How do we deal with criminals and the lies? Reward or punishment? Innocent children are neither criminals nor did they lie. How do we deal with them? SPLIT them or UNITE them? R-E-S-P-E-C-T in 2015?

Here We Come 2015 – IVF rights or NOT!

The biggest news story to close out 2014 could be the thawing of ties between US and Cuba. No one knows what it will bring but it shows that as humans one can IVF-Crueltymove ahead. Rather than living with mutual distrust, it is better to have an open dialogue and provide the tools and mechanisms to achieve that. In one of the worst and most gruesome disasters of 2014 is the massacre of innocent children by terrorists in Pakistan. There is no justification for what occurred and may their souls rest in peace. Our hearts go out to the parents who may have never envisioned this when they dropped off their child at school in the morning. And we can imagine the sigh of relief for parents whose children are alive today because their alarm didn’t go off, reminds us of stories we heard after 9/11 on how some people were “lucky” to either be late to work or didn’t go to work that day. I have a friend who didn’t go to work on the fateful 9/11 day and is alive. Now when it seemed impossible to make sense of it all, the silver lining was the announcement of thawing of ties between US and Cuba. It gives HOPE. It gives a silver lining to our otherwise 24 hour news cycle of murder, mayhem, crimes, violence, etc. It’s about moving forward and doing the right thing. In 2014, from the double whammy mystery of Malaysian airlines to Boko Haram kidnapping of innocent girls, we must stand UNITED in accepting truth and helping the innocent, especially children like IVF siblings who have been split or an abandoned IVF child getting justice.

Its the fervor of hope that keeps one asking for equal rights for IVF children and families. We support infertility issues but does it have to come at the cost of splitting innocent IVF siblings and denying their rights? Can’t we find better ways which are inclusive? An IVF father by definition has taken some action to help the cause of infertility, what have the lack of laws and outdated laws done to help infertility? Why are IVF families subjected to lies to circumvent the laws? Why are IVF families subjected to ridicule? Why are IVF families not allowed to be truthful? Is building a family through IVF a crime? Take a long hard look at our innocent IVF children and see the love before making up your mind.

Just like there is “ethical hacking”, just like there are checks and balances to use nuclear technology for good or bad, where are the checks and balances for best interest of international IVF/Surrogacy children and families? If IVF can be used for good or bad, where are the “ethical” protections for international IVF/surrogacy children and families?

It used to be “socially acceptable” for Indians and dogs to be kept out of establishments in their own country, or African-Americans were subjected to sitting in the back of the bus, or apartheid was OK, or women or African-Americans could not vote(meaning no representation of their concerns in a democracy), or gays did not have rights, or women could not both work and be a loving parent, is it “socially acceptable” for an IVF father to be allowed to enjoy and love his IVF children “born out of wedlock”?  Is it time to have “representation” in a democracy to address the needs of IVF families? Or are we supposed to stay “underground” and wallow away in the misery of silence and apathy? Socially, we refer to parents as “mother” and “father” while the laws view the same people as “primary care provider” or not. Same laws in case of IVF children also sees the surrogate who gave birth as the “mother” or the egg donor with the genetic link as the “mother” or in some cases, legally there is “no mother” despite a physical presence of the birth mother. Same laws recognize the IVF children as “born out of wedlock”. In all cases, the IVF father is the same person – both socially and legally. Then why separate him and his IVF children deemed as “born out of wedlock”? Is wanting to help infertility a crime? Why offend them using offensive language even if its in the archaic laws? Is it time to be more sensitive to the needs of an international IVF family and give them the basic human dignity and respect they deserve or do they have to suffer more “legalized name calling” and the inherent abuse and separation? Throughout history of humankind, “social acceptance” comes FIRST and laws come later. Are international IVF families socially acceptable?

Should we be saying “PCP 1” and “PCP 2” on birth certificates instead of “father” and “mother” because that’s how the laws see it? As insane and absurd as it sounds, the fact is the archaic laws are creating these situations. The need is to either “update the laws” OR provide relief and justice for innocent IVF siblings, the state of legal limbo and apathy is incongruent and goes against the every being of “humanity” – an irony since “IVF/surrogacy children” are born into this world due to compassion of others in the humanity and are not supposed to be “symbols” of cruelty of humanity and archaic laws.

Recently, a loving husband and a father-to-be was rushing home because his wife and mother-to-be was in labor. They already had an emergency earlier in the week. He may have violated some traffic laws and was asked to pull over by the police but his IMMEDIATE need was to get home to his pregnant wife. The officer did follow “policy” and while the husband and father-to-be may have violated laws, doesn’t every woman wish for a husband and father like him? He was privy to information of the earlier emergency, their ongoing pregnancy and the need to be by his family’s side. Once the officer knew the facts, he called for an ambulance and helped the family out. Where is the HELP for an immigrant, IVF father who had to RUN to his lovely IVF/Surrogacy daughter in India and raise her in India due to her being abandoned and placed in legal limbo?

Happy Rosa Parks Day – What will the US do?

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country?” – US President John F. Kennedy. For an intersex, immigrant, IVF father freedom ring free ivfthe question is not what he can do (he already did what he could which is to GIVE life), the question is who will protect his and his innocent IVF children’s rights? 

Happy Rosa Parks Day! On December 1, 1955, Ms. Rosa Parks was arrested, convicted and jailed for literally “refusing to stand up” while at a much higher level she was taking the “ultimate stand” in standing up for one’s rights. Her strength and courage inspired many then and continues to inspire many today. She proved that the prevailing laws were wrong even if they were the “laws” meaning laws may not always be right and sometimes we just have to “literally sit down” to make a BIGGER point in standing up against a failing system (in some areas). Ms. Parks and the movement showed that peaceful protest against a failing system is NOT wrong but the right thing to do for future generations to come. It also proved that USA is a great country which listens to reasoning and ALSO stands up against human rights violations including its own archaic laws. It takes a lot of character as a country to admit and move forward with that. Let TRUTH set you free. Let FREEDOM ring free is all we ask for IVF children and families. Wonder what would Ms. Parks say today about the IVF discrimination?

Do the actions (or inactions) against an IVF father and his split IVF children “born out of wedlock” match American values?

While human rights are ignored or given lip service at best in most parts of the world, the HOPE is that USA cares about human rights and can provide an equitable solution. Truth is what gives me the strength and courage to speak up and petition the most powerful nation in the world to have equal rights for IVF children and families. US President Obama  in his Thanksgiving 2014 address said, “…commitment to American ideals like justice and equality”. Is willfully splitting IVF siblings equality and justice?

After repeated lies and breaking the laws, what will the US do to send a strong message to anyone who is doing IVF abroad in the best interest of the innocent, voiceless IVF child? Will it stand up to defend the most vulnerable and uphold the laws OR let it go? What if there are other voiceless victims? The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun”, it can also be false records with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims. As the Lanza case shows that “wishful thinking” even with the best of intentions is not the right answer and splitting innocent IVF siblings is a classic case of “missed opportunities” – let us not repeat our mistakes like the “baby scoop era” or civil rights, or gay rights, or women suffrage only to setup a “truth and reconciliation” commission decades later, let us give the innocent IVF siblings what they deserve – a childhood together and justice for IVF rights.

I was forced into silence and kept against my own will for 10 years in my own home in Texas. Finally, I was let go but my child was taken away from me. I was left behind with another child to care for in a foreign land. These are the facts of not some woman who has been harassed for dowry or some woman who has been raped or some woman who has been a victim of domestic violence or abuse. These are the facts of an intersex, immigrant, IVF father in Texas in 2000s. When will me and my voiceless IVF children get justice and be united to be together? The simple fact is what justice do innocent IVF siblings deserve when the justice system has been manipulated and their rights denied? Does an IVF child born during a divorce have the same rights as a natural born child?

This is not just a case of uniting IVF siblings but is about what message to send? Infertile Americans cannot bring a child born outside the US legally, so should they create fraud documents, break laws, place innocent child in legal limbo, and violate rights of so many others? Or should one be truthful and respect laws? Is abandoning an innocent child in a foreign land, using IVF as your personal baby making factory with utter disregard for innocent children and surrogate and hide in the US escaping justice from the foreign courts the modus operandi the US encourages its citizenry through it lack of action and denial of truth? Splitting innocent siblings will never be justifiable, taking away a child from their primary care provider will never be justifiable. Countries like US, UK, Canada, Australia engaged in the baby scoop era in separating innocent children from their biological families through lying, suppressing truth only to apologize decades later. Is that what’s going on now with IVF children and the secrecy and lies surrounding them?

As a lifelong believer both in practice and words of equal rights for intersex and IVF, one cannot simply stand on the sidelines while more humans are being traumatized and denied rights including innocent children. The question to ask is can an intersex, immigrant, infertile person repeat this in 2014 legally? The answer is no meaning laws must have been broken and the fight to have equal intersex and IVF rights must go on to save innocent lives and the most vulnerable – voiceless children.

In 1922, Mahatma Gandhi was charged with sedition charges only to be vindicated 25 years later. In. 1955, Rosa Parks stood up for what she believed is wrong even though reserving seats in a bus based on “skin color” was legal at the time. In 1962, Madiba was tried under apartheid laws only to be vindicated 27 years later. How is an intersex, immigrant, IVF father treated in 2000s? More importantly, how are his IVF children being treated? The greatest humanitarians of the 20th century have taught us to speak up and have lots of patience because truth is worth fighting for and injustice is worth standing up against.

Speaking the truth and asking for rights is not anti – national. If anything, in the long-term truth through mutual reapect for all builds the character of a nation as the last century has shown but requires patience. Change is not wrong, resistance to change is. Will an intersex, immigrant, IVF father be persecuted, threatened, intimidated, even if systemically for stating facts? Or will he be listened and the right answer is to have proper laws in best interest of IVF children? More importantly, without proper laws, is it creating an environment of more innocent victims including children where some people may do anything to have a child including secrecy, lies, cheating, fraud, breaking laws?

It is obvious the laws have not caught up with technology as per US DoS report. What about people who take advantage of these loopholes for personal benefit breaking the laws? It is clear that how US family courts treat a “parent-child” relationship in the context of IVF is very different than how US Immigration laws view the same relationship. What about people who take advantage of these loopholes and escape justice? More importantly, how do the lies and secrecy help the innocent IVF children? In 2009, David Goldman was united with his son after 5 years without raising any issues of the impact on a 9 year old removed from his biological grandparents, the primary care provider. Ann  Pettway was convicted after 23 years of raising a child like her own through fraud documents in US. In 2009, an innocent IVF child was taken away from his biological father and his primary care provider while his sister was abandoned in India. In a case of dolus eventualis and fait accompli, an intersex, immigrant, IVF father was traumatized beyond imagination and had to both save his child in India and give her rights. Since the entire situation is NEW, what are the rights of an  IVF child born during a divorce? It seems a child is a child but afraid so, an international IVF child born during a divorce has no rights and can simply be discarded with no consequences. Is this the America we want? Or do we respect all? If the US system has been manipulated, what will it do? How will it stop from creating more innocent victims and send a strong message? Laws/change will come, whether its 25, 9, or 27 years later, what we need now is no more innocent IVF child victims. Respect all, equality for everyone. When will the dream to have equal intersex and IVF rights become a reality? 

“Tear down these walls” – as US President Reagan said. When will the walls of secrecy and lies be broken and we can dream to live in a world where we can speak the truth freely without intimidation, persecution, threats?

Happy Thanksgiving 2014

I am very thankful for having healthy and loving children – two through IVF and one naturally. Sadly, as a loving parent in 2014, one is still forced to pay it forward living 22nd centurydifferentiate between their children based on “birth type” not by choice but because thats how the laws view them. Ideally, a child is a child with no “adjectives”. We are thankful for thriving democracies like India and the US where petitioning the government for change peacefully is not met with intimidation, threats but rather free speech is respected. As an intersex, immigrant, IVF father in 2000s and with no IVF trauma crisis centers, it takes a while to pick up the pieces but one is thankful and hopeful for the world ahead. I am very thankful for the love and support of family who have literally provided a second birth both for me and my abandoned child. Another year, another year of being divided.

I am not anti-intersex or anti-infertility or anti-IVF or anti-immigrants, I just happen to be pro-truth. Just look at the body of work based on actions and not lies that people including the system wants to propagandize. As someone who stood at the edge of the war on intersex rights, at the edge of war on fertility and having amazingly survived one cannot let that voice be silenced. Non-genetic  parents deserve compassion and rights but they also have responsibility and accountability. Unless the laws are there to protect innocent children, this vicious cycle of secrecy, lies, fraud, breaking laws, etc. will continue and create more innocent victims.  One would have to take time and traverse 10 years it took for them to arrive into this wonderful world only to be willfully SPLIT. Rather than celebrating them, one is more engaged in “owning” them, rather than freeing them, one is more engaged in “restricting” them, rather than being THANKFUL for their existence, one is more engaged in “lying and disrespecting” them. There are lot better ways to help infertile people in this world than SPLITTING innocent IVF siblings – people (yes, they are human too with emotions!). For the rest of the world, it may just be “some children”, for us, they are our world.

The fundamental problem is that even in 2014, an intersex, infertile, immigrant cannot have a child legally. So what are they supposed to do? Lie, force others to lie, create fraud documents, split innocent children from their loving family, split siblings, placing innocent children in legal limbo, and on and on and on? The right answer is to stop this cycle of secrecy and lies and have equal rights including innocent IVF children and families. If equal intersex rights and equal fertility rights existed, my innocent children, SIBLINGS, would NOT have been split and uniting them is a lifelong dream and goal like any other parent’s.

Do “infertile” people exist or are the laws ignoring their needs? And if there should be laws for “infertile” people, should there also be laws for “dysfertile” people? More importantly, should laws provide an environment which fosters truth or is the lack of laws promoting an environment of secrecy, lies, fraud, false allegations? More importantly, how are the lies and breaking laws in “best interest of the child”?

The question is NOT whether a child being raised by a non-genetic parent is happy? The question is can he be happier? The question is what are his rights to be allowed to be grow up with a sibling he wanted? The question is what are his rights to grow up with his primary care provider? The question is why is he being DENIED what so many other children take for granted? Is he also a victim of the lack of laws for fertility just like his sibling and his loving biological parent? The answer to this question does not lie with some “expert” or a misguided system which later “apologizes” like they did for the baby scoop era, the answer lies with someone who has gone through it like Ms. Carlina White. The “need to know” is innate to any human, same reason why we innovate and the same reason we seek truth – nothing to do with intersex, or IVF, or immigration. When governments are stubborn with laws, innocent human beings suffer like slavery, women suffrage, civil rights, gay rights, etc. And it takes individuals to be “stubborn” and hold their ground peacefully and petition the government for change. When will we see IVF rights so people don’t have to resort to lying, cheating, frauding, breaking laws? 

A fertile parent has already proven he is willing to SHARE his child with an infertile parent, now the ball is in their court, is an infertile parent willing to SHARE a child? Or will there be more LYING…we tried that and the result is innocent siblings being SPLIT, how will more lying resolve anything?

No one is claiming that life of an intersex, immigrant, infertile person is not traumatic – while others including experts can only give academic answers, a person who has lived the trauma alongside and be there every step of the way and survived knows this. But are there other victims too? Every murderer or rapist is also a son or daughter of someone, is also a brother or sister of someone, is also a spouse of someone. We have people who are “drive-by” experts and miss the devils in the details. They look at the “stereotypical” lens of only a man can be a perpetrator of domestic violence and abuse. Can he and his children also be victims? More importantly, when innocent children are victims of abuse, can they only get justice if the abuse was perpetrated by the “father”?

If there was no abuse on the spouse, then why after 10 years of forced silence and abuse, the survivor feels more closer and relevant to victims of Castro and Fritzl, feels more relevant to the biological parents who were taken away from their children during the baby scoop era, to the rape victims who are encouraged to “hush up” and “forget” instead of speaking up and reporting the crimes? To say to a survivor that they are “equal criminals” because they did not speak up during the phases of the crime is a “blame the victim” approach and like telling a rape survivor that they “enjoyed the rape”. NO ONE enjoys being raped. It’s a crime. It has taken decades if not centuries for women to get the strength and courage to speak up against the horrific crimes against them and for governments to pass laws and protect them. How long will it take for male survivors and their children to get laws and be protected? Step 1 is just allowed to be heard and perhaps in the next generation, we may have hope for laws.

I often hear statements like, “there is no respect for women”, or “there has to be gender equality”, or “equal pay for equal work”. I would like to add one more to this list, “there is NO respect for fertile partners and their children”. Splitting innocent children is a very unique way to show RESPECT.

Lying to a child is the “biggest child abuse” despite what the “experts” say. We should be listening to childhood trauma victims of lying like Ms. Carlina White and not “experts” and “system” who were ill-prepared to care for likes of Mr. Adam Lanza. The right answer is to have a “cross-functional” learning exercise with an open mind. And the point is “experts” are wrong and so is the system and pointing out facts should be taken as constructive criticism to build a better system. The system is NOT PERFECT, if it were there would be NO exonerations. To point this out is NOT disrespect but to show that a slice of the population is underserved and deserves equal rights and protection too. The important question is when a system has been manipulated, what message will the system send to not allow this to be repeated?

I have learnt that truth is maleable and it is not about the “best interest of the child”. If it were, the innocent IVF siblings would be united.

I have learnt that GIVING life is a crime. It’s not a message to raise children with but one should GIVE life with no fraud documents and without breaking laws and should ensure the rights of all lives are protected even if born illegally.

I have learnt that compassion is evil and innocent siblings should be punished for it but that’s not a message to raise children with. Compassion is right but takes time to come to fruition, what is wrong are the laws against IVF children and families and people who break laws for personal benefit.

I have learnt that helping a criminal even if forced under threats is also a crime. Then why are innocent IVF siblings being punished for crimes they did not commit?

If accepting lies and breaking laws for an intersex, immigrant, infertile under the name of “compassion” then where is the compassion for an abandoned IVF child and SPLIT innocent siblings and alienated child?

This story has been said before – government under the guise of “laws” taking away rights of people and unleashing indescribable injustice which would be considered anything but barbaric today. Slavery was legal but still wrong and barbaric, same for women suffrage rights, same for civil rights, same for apartheid, same for imperialism, colonization, same for gay rights, same for baby scoop era, same for transgender rights, and same for IVF rights.

I have no doubt when the facts of the case are evaluated with historical context, splitting innocent IVF siblings and punishing them for crimes they did not commit WILL NEVER be the right answer. Having laws so that their rights are protected ALSO will be the right answer.

Of course, if the siblings were UNITED, I may have held my silence for life like I was forced to during my ten years. It is one thing to take abuse as an individual but to have it extended to your children, any parent would speak up. And saying the truth is not breaking any laws at least not in a democracy we hope.

Wish I were Gay for my IVF Children’s Sake As Dictated by Laws

There are stories about how gay parents are coping in the 21st century – fighting for “maternity” leave as the primary care provider OR to have equal parental rights OR Nazi Intersex IVF Historyallowed to tell the truth to their child OR so many other battles they have to fight just to be allowed to LOVE their child FREELY. Is the same true for an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children? An IVF father who is not gay is on “maternal leave” for 5 years and counting because he did not want to abandon his child.

There is NOT a day that goes by when one does not DREAM of an innocent IVF brother walking through the front door to hug his primary care provider, his father, and his siblings not because the rights of an intersex, immigrant, IVF father matter BUT because an innocent, IVF child has rights too and its his DREAM too. Are innocent IVF siblings, innocent IVF fathers allowed to have DREAMS OR are they reserved only for infertile, immigrants who must have a child at any and all costs including abandoning an innocent child? The issue is not about intersex, infertility, IVF, the issue is do innocent siblings deserve to grow up together and do the voiceless have rights? As the recent story about Mr. Lanza shows that “wishful thinking” is not the answer but dealing with facts and respect for laws is the right answer.  The weapon doesn’t always have to be a “gun”, it can also be false records, fraud, lies, breaking the laws with equally devastating effect on innocent children and victims.

While people are still debating whether being gay is right or wrong, gay parents having and raising children is right or wrong, at least their issues are on the radar and are getting solutions, especially from the legal perspective. An intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children are LOST and written off. An intersex, IVF father may NOT be gay but from a legal perspective is treated as a “GAY man”.  In a gay relationship, who is the “mother”? More importantly, who does the child have an infinite, loving BOND with – the primary care provider or the “mother” or “father”?The child goes to the person whose love they can feel due to the qualitative time they spend together and NOT because the person is “mother” or “father”, “gay” or “straight”, or whatever other “social discrimination”. Wish I were gay then at least the issues we are facing about parental rights, IVF rights, immigrant rights of same-sex folks, dysfertility rights would be discussed in the OPEN rather than SUPPRESSED under the carpet, ironically enough as gay rights have been dealt with for several decades.

The only thing WORSE than denying justice to a person – black or white, gay or straight, man or woman, adult or child, or [insert] whatever other “social discrimination” here is to DISRESPECT their issues which is DENYING rights. Just like some people believe the Holocaust never happened, how can you even discuss with them the horrific and traumatic events that occurred during the Holocaust because as per them “it never happened”?

The reasons why it is important to discuss Abu Ghraib is the same reasons why it is important to discuss an intersex, immigrant, IVF father and his IVF children. It is not “anti-national”, it is to first give justice to innocent victims and second to learn and ensure it is never repeated. Having two split innocent IVF siblings on two different continents in legal limbo is nothing short of our “Abu Ghraib” because it has been done willfully and is a crime against their humanity even though they may be young and voiceless. It is very traumatic for an intersex person in 2000s but at least they have support if they are honest, what about spouse and children of an intersex marriage who are forced into silence and abused and traumatized? Appeasement even by parents and professionals/experts as the Adam Lanza case shows is NOT the answer, confronting facts and discussing them openly will lead to a better solution for all including innocent children. Lying on medical records which denies rights of others and abuses others is a crime. Ignoring the blatant facts is wrong. Breaking laws is wrong. Intersex people have struggled for decades if not centuries to get recognized and have equal rights, how long will it be before spouse and IVF children of intersex marriage are provided appropriate support?

If the US recovers its citizens who go to foreign countries and may “break the laws” there like trying to do good in North Korea. What help and support does the US provide its citizens who try to help infertile people where laws itself fall short? Who protects their rights and should they be “recovered” and be united as a family?

Separating biological families even under a “legal guise” is not new, ask anyone who knows about the “baby scoop era”. Decades later, there are apologies from the government, “truth and reconciliation” commissions.

The laws have already spoken, an intersex spouse should have reported the crime and NOT shown compassion, the fertile spouse should NOT have accepted the fraud documents from an infertile family and NOT shown compassion, he should have also NOT shown compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person just like he laws dictate. But why are we (and the laws) punishing innocent IVF siblings for crimes they did not commit? Showing compassion to an intersex, immigrant, infertile person is NOT wrong but supporting a LIAR and CRIMINAL is wrong. In fact it is so wrong that one has two innocent IVF siblings SPLIT willfully on two continents in legal limbo and with no justice.

Elephant in the Room – IVF and Proud

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room because if we don’t then its a disservice to the innocent, voiceless IVF children and everything that humanity stands for – ivf_elephant_in_the_roomrespect and compassion. Through acceptance, we move to a solution. Through education and awareness, we move to a solution. Fear-mongering, silence, threats, lies, secrecy, intimidation does NO GOOD – just ask the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings who have been willfully split. One lie leads to a thousand lies. People do not realize the toll it takes emotionally, financially, legally just to have a child which most people take for granted. It is the love for innocent children that keeps one going. We have an unintended double whammy like MH370 and MH 17 – our double whammy is lack of laws for intersex and IVF rights – so the best answer is to lie, break laws and SPLIT innocent, voiceless IVF siblings like taking candy from a baby – what have you proven? Instead let us address the real issues (the elephant in the room) so people can stop lying and stop breaking laws and deny rights of the most vulnerable – innocent children.

No child grows up dreaming to become an IVF parent with no laws like an immigrant, IVF father.

Does an infertile child deserve to dream to have a child when they grow up despite lack of laws? What about the rights of a fertile spouse in an infertile marriage who is equally subjected to same lack of laws?

Does an intersex child deserve to dream to be married and have a family when they grow up despite lack of laws? What about the rights of an intersex spouse in an intersex marriage who is equally subjected to same lack of laws?

Are only those people criminals who kill or abuse people in broad daylight? Or are the real criminals also who are hiding and manipulating the laws and using others for personal benefit while cannibalizing the rights of unsuspecting victims?

Is showing compassion and giving human rights to an infertile, immigrant, intersex person a CRIME where laws itself fall short? Who protect their rights?

Do IVF children born during a divorce have any rights? IVF is all about compassion and the very least is to show compassion to an innocent, voiceless IVF child. There are lot better ways to give a child to an infertile adult rather than breaking laws and splitting innocent siblings.

If a woman uses IVF and has children through her egg, sperm donor and surrogate – are her IVF children siblings? Is the SAME TRUE if a man uses IVF and has children through his sperm, egg donor and surrogate – are his IVF children siblings?

In addition to providing food, home, clothes, education, etc., every parent likes to inculcate certain values in a child to make them a positive contributor in the society such as respect, compassion, honesty, respect for laws. Is it right to show respect and compassion to an intersex person where laws itself fall short? More importantly, if we demonize such individuals, what message are we sending to the innocent children, some who may also be victims of similar secrecy and lies like IVF children? IVF or intersex or infertility is NOT wrong, silencing and lying about it which breaks laws  and cannibalizes rights of others is, or is it?

In the future, intersex marriages will be legal, infertile people will be able to have a child legally without a genetic link, an IVF child and family will have rights, TODAY, this is already occurring for innocent IVF siblings who are split and denied rights under secrecy and lies blatantly violating prevailing laws. Who protects the rights of IVF children and families? Abandoning an innocent child will still remain a CRIME – whether natural or IVF, whether domestic IVF or international IVF – because it is the right thing to do protect the rights of the most vulnerable – innocent, voiceless children.

Being intersex, being infertile, being immigrant is NOT a crime, lying about it which breaks laws is. At an emotional level, lying is no foundation for any relationship including marriage or parenthood.

It is not about whether a genetic male with no ovaries, no uterus, no fallopian tubes (which is true for all men and fathers) is a “mother” or “father”, it is about being a good parent both to your own children and others’.

Being a primary care provider for your child is based on facts and not based on traditional stereotypes and gender. There is nothing stereotypical about an intersex, immigrant, IVF family. Why was an innocent IVF child taken away from his primary care provider without investigating the facts? What is its impact?

The spirit of Hague Convention on International Child Abduction is to serve the best interest of the child and NOT be separated from biological family. What has happened to an innocent IVF child who has been lied to and denied his rights to see his biological family. Has the spirit of the convention been followed?

Performing an intersex surgery is not wrong (or is it as per the UN Special Rapporteur on Torture who called for a STOP to such surgeries) but lying about it on medical records is, especially when these lies directly affect the well-being and abuse the spouse and children of an intersex marriage. If one did “nothing wrong” then why LIE about such surgeries? Criminals lie to hide facts for selfish benefit. More importantly, what atrocities and abuses have been committed against unsuspecting intersex spouse and innocent children? Since as per the “fraud documentation”, the “surgery” never occurred kinda like people denying the “Holocaust” never occurred and therefore there are no victims who deserve justice. Denial and silencing the truth will NEVER stand the test of time.

Calling anyone’s child ” illegitimate” is not just wrong but offensive especially when it has severe implications on an innocent child. It may have been OK to have this language in 1600s but its not OK in 2000s, its time for an update. Just like the British laws used language as “unnatural sex” centuries ago which propogated to its colonies is archaic today, similarly so is language like “child born out of wedlock”, ” illegitimate child” which hurts the rights of an innocent child rather than protect.

If IVF laws can be passed retrospectively to IVF parents, why can’t laws be passed to protect rights of IVF child and be treated equally? Why is abandoning an IVF child not a crime? It is one thing to be slapped the in the face as an intersex, immigrant, IVF father but to have your innocent IVF children be slapped in the face repeatedly is too much to take and its time to speak up against the injustice.

Laws will take time to change or may never change, but that does not mean one cannot petition their democratic government for change? As an internet enthusiast, there is a “product hype curve” which shows a hyperbolic peak to hype when something new comes up and then the enthusiasm gradually tapers off and for some products goes to negligible impact and others an equilibrium in the middle. Historically, social justice and human rights issues also follow a similar pattern where initially oppressed see denial, further oppression, injustice, intimidation, threats, lies, secrecy, fear-mongering, abuse, silencing, etc and eventually are given the rights they deserve. When will equal rights for IVF children and families become a reality?

If an intersex, immigrant, infertile adult deserves compassion, why not little compassion for innocent, voiceless IVF children? As a global citizen, one learns to pick the best of both worlds especially when those worlds happen to be world’s most powerful democracy and other being world’s biggest democracy – both representing equality in diversity. When will equal rights for IVF children and families become a reality?

Petitioning one’s democratic government for change is not “anti-national”, ask slaves of 1800s, Susan Anthony, Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Dr. King, Nelson Mandela, Edie Windsor, and so on. It is part of nation building at the cost of personal sacrifices.

Is abandoning an IVF child with utter disregard and disdain a crime against the humanity of the  innocent child? Is it a crime of moral turpitude? Abandoning a “natural-born” child requires a parent to “physically” abandon a child, if an intended parent who did not giver sperm, egg, or womb, there is no physical connection and they simply give consent but NEVER show up to take responsibility and accountability for placing the “IVF Order”. Is that right? Is that how we want to see our society progress? Or should such acts be reprimanded and sent a strong message that regardless of circumstances, abandoning an IVF child is EQUAL to abandoning any other child and has consequences?

If an intended parent deserves EQUAL rights to their “non-genetic” child, then should they also be held EQUALLY responsible and accountable for a “non-genetic” child they “ordered” but abandoned? It is heinous, it is vicious and silencing the FACTS is not justice especially for the innocent, voiceless child. Treating them as EQUALS like any other child with equal rights is JUSTICE. Child is a CHILD including IVF child – are the laws in sync? We have to talk about the ELEPHANT in the ROOM, don’t we?

Surviving When Held Against Your Will – Forces in Common

As human beings, we are all social animals – something similar was said long ago by a famous author. What is also true that we gravitate towards people who may not be family, or friends and are complete strangers because what bonds us is an individual experience but for a shared cause. Sadly, sexual assault against women is a daily talk to someone - IVFoccurrence in our world ranging from countries in Asia, Africa to Europe to Americas. Lot of women who thankfully may not have been a victim of sexual assault but whenever they hear a story about it, a thought that may run through their mind, “What if it were me?” This is what bonds them to the stranger who is a victim and some become activists by demanding protection for women and some maybe silent activists. The point is there is support and a bond based on the cause which is right and we identify with people who may have had a similar experience although not together. Whether the experience is a breast cancer survivor or a marathon runner or a single parent or a caregiver. Rightfully so, there should better protection for women and also education and awareness that women are also someone’s mother, sister, wife, daughter so harming them as such is not right. Similarly, what is common for an intersex, immigrant, IVF father in 2000s? When a person survives after being held against their will, they have forces in common.

As left-behind IVF father of an abandoned IVF child, one could also become a criminal and abandon an innocent, voiceless child and leave them to their fate at an orphanage and provide no answers for them either now or when they grow older into an adult. Perhaps the threat to an innocent child while 6 months pregnant in a surrogate’s womb and faced with abandonment is more similar to the feelings of a pregnant woman who is kicked in the stomach and the risk of threat to her child.

As a person who has constantly been silenced under threats and abused, there are other cases which also bring similarity. The Fritzl case in Austria where an innocent woman was kidnapped and held hostage for 24 years against her will. In a very sad case, a father unleashed horrors unto her own daughter and also fathered children with her. The innocent victim was an adult when she was taken away and held against her will. She found the forces to survive and eventually be freed from a monster. On the outside, we can only gauge what it may have been for her but the true horrors of her ordeal will only be known by her and her innocent children, sadly one of whom died while in captivity. She did not consent to having the children with her own father and captor but the fact remains she is raising the children today and not blaming them because children are innocent and the two discussion are separate. She has NOT abandoned the innocent children.

Another case that comes to mind is that of Ohio man, Ariel Castro who kidnapped innocent women and held them against their will including fathering children with them. Unlike the Fritzl case, he was not a family member but a person in the same neighbourhood. Up until the case broke, his children also spoke of him as a good parent. The women survived and so did their innocent children. Sadly, the true horrors of being held against your will can only be known by the women and the innocent children who suffered. They did not give consent to having a child with Mr. Castro but the fact is there is a child who they are raising and have NOT abandoned the innocent child.

In IVF, there are different kinds of cases of the 21st century which most people are just becoming aware of. There are cases of DNA mismatch and there are cases of intended parents abandoning an IVF child after birth. Just like the women who did not want a child with their abuser but fact is they were being held against their will, what if an IVF father is held against his will and forced to have a child because he happens to be fertile and later is stranded with an abandoned IVF baby? Do you also abandon the child? How did the IVF father who was forced into silence deal with the horrors of a decade? Did the love of the children carry him through? Was it the same love which made him NOT abandon his IVF child?

As time passes, we continue to reach out to people who share a common bond, its natural. After being silenced for so long, it takes a while to get your “teeth again” so to speak. And innocent children and their rights are a strong driver. One begins to discover people in similar plight if not due to the exact same reasons. There was a case of Canadian couple who had an issue of DNA mismatch in India. They did NOT abandon the IVF child but instead moved lock, stock and barrel to India – an unknowing place for them and fought for six years before being allowed to take the IVF child with them on humanitarian grounds. Not just did the child win, the parents won but humanity won. In another case, an IVF father discovered after 5 years there was a DNA mismatch with him and his IVF daughter who happens to be autistic. His wife passed away but he has NOT abandoned his daughter, he will raise her with all the love he has. Humanity wins!

For rest of the world, an abandoned child may be one of millions in the world but for a surviving parent, the innocent child IS THE WORLD, no matter how they were born. To those who are struggling, crying, praying to be freed, hang in there, we have been there and there are forces in common which will eventually free you. And never lose your humanity because it is the greatest gift a human can gift to another.

If a mother can dream of having two lovely siblings growing up together, can a father have the same dream? If an infertile person can dream of having a child thanks to technology like IVF and compassion of fellow human beings, can an IVF father dream of seeing his IVF siblings growing up together? If a woman can ask for equal pay for equal work (which she deserves and has every right), can a man dream of having equal parenting rights in the best interest of children? By continuing to use stereotypes and denying equal rights to a father, are they really hurting the father or his innocent children who are siblings who have never met?

People like Fritzl and Castro are not stereotypes and yet they exist and there are laws to protect and give justice to the ones who suffered, where is the protection and laws for innocent IVF children and families?