Tag Archives: dysfertility

The IVF Parents Who Went Away

There is a wonderful book and ALSO adapted as a movie called “The Girls Who Went Away” by Ann Fessler. If Human Rights Infertilityyou have not checked it out, you should. Not only its a wealth of information but also will help you understand the traumatic experiences of innocent women and children who were forcefully separated from each other WITHOUT you having to experience it yourself. What was their only FAULT?

The era is referred to as the “baby scoop era” from about 1940s to 1970s until Roe V. Wade effects came about. Later as TRUTH and FACTS were allowed to be discussed instead of SECRECY and STIGMA, more laws followed like “safe haven laws” where mothers could drop of an infant WITHOUT facing any charges. This provided safety and security for the women and also kept the best interest of the infant. The law also acquiesed that unwanted pregnancies occur and rather than dealing with secrecy and stigma, it is better to deal with it honestly and provide “safe haven” both for the woman and the child. Such is the POWER to deal with TRUTH and FACTS.

In decades that followed, there have been vehement battles for pro-choice or pro-life movements. We are NOT going to discuss that here. Rather, it is important to point out that because the TRUTH was allowed to come out, we have both the pro-life and pro-choice movements, something the “girls who went away” NEVER DID! Regardless of your position on pro-life or pro-choice, the FACT that one has ability to discuss this openly is way FARTHER than lot of other people made it. We have the option to DISAGREE with each other but at least we have the freedom to express ourselves WITHOUT OPPRESSION and FORCED SILENCE. Let us be thankful for the times to allow us a free society where freedom of expression is allowed if NOT valued.

Is history REPEATING itself? In an in vitro fertilization (IVF) case, are IVF parents being FORCED to give up their IVF child? As an IVF father, I was left for dead but I am fortunate for the love and support from family to have survived and am alive.

IVF Parents Who Are Forced To Go Away

IVF presents multiple possibilities starting with 8 different scenarios to assign parentage. Do prevailing laws capture all these scenarios? In the absence of laws, there flagrant violations not to mention the deep trauma left on IVF parents already traumatized by infertility. IVF also for the first time probably allows “only men” to be recognized as legal parents of an IVF child, do we have the equivalent “safe haven” laws for IVF children and families? Regardless of our personal beliefs of “pro-IVF” Vs. Adoption Vs. “no-IVF” Vs. childless, IVF children have been born and they are in this wonderful world with us, do we give IVF children EQUAL rights as human beings or NOT? It beckons our conscience as a human being to do “something”.

1) “Case of NO LEGAL MOTHER” –  If a gay couple or two genetic males “commission” an IVF pregnancy, who are the parents? Depending on the laws, the answers are different. The FACT is ONLY one parent can be a “biological parent”. The FACT is without an egg donor and surrogate, a gay couple or two genetic males CANNOT have an IVF child. During the course of IVF pregnancy, what if one of the male partner DECIDES no longer to have the IVF child. Can either parent ask for “abortion”? Do they have “pro-choice” or “pro-life” rights? Are there “safe haven” rights in the best interest of the child and the left-behind IVF parent? Are there social organizations who advertise and spread awareness of such issues and provide support and help to the destitute IVF parents?

2) “Case of Donors” – In international IVF/surrogacy cases, depending on the laws where you reside, a “biological link” is a MUST to overcome immigration laws which is established through DNA test. What if a woman who used donor eggs and sperm but her own womb to carry the IVF child to term, is she a parent? The immigration laws DO NOT think so because she has “no biological link”.

3) “Legal recourse for medical errors” – What if an IVF clinic in India accidentally swaps the sperm or egg samples and as a result the IVF child will have “no biological link” with the “commissioning IVF parents” from the US. As a result, the IVF child CANNOT immigrate back to the US as per prevailing laws. Should the IVF parents be FORCED to give up the child or MOVE to an unknown country, India, for sake of the child? What are the RIGHTS of the child and the IVF parent? IVF clinics are run by humans and humans make mistakes, accidents happen. Should the IVF clinic NOT have been honest and forthcoming about their “inadvertent error”. Are the prevailing laws forcing people to LIE and live in SECRECY? How does secrecy help anyone?

4) “Rights of Donors and Surrogates” – The most important part. Regardless of our personal beliefs about sexual orientation, single parenting, non-biological parenting, traditional parenting the FACT is to make a child, one needs sperm, egg, and a womb. What are the RIGHTS of the donors and surrogates in making an IVF child? If a surrogate has a COMPLICATION during an IVF pregnancy and the medical advise is only one life can be saved, do we save the IVF child or the surrogate? If the IVF pregnancy goes as planned, after the birth, what are the rights of the donors and surrogates with the child? Some may want to remain anonymous, are those rights honored? Some may want to be a part of the IVF child’s life, are those rights honored?

In each case, unless we start discussing the FACTS and TRUTH, how will we get to a solution? The absence of LAWS in the IVF space is creating a “wild west” approach which is NOT in the BEST INTEREST of the IVF CHILDREN and families.

It is a FACT that IVF parents are being FORCED to go away from their IVF children in secrecy with NO RELIEF for the VICTIMS. This is not what our community and society is about. We are better than that. Only through truth, facts, open discussion shall we arrive at a solution. Secrecy and lies will NEVER help anyone in the long-term, rather only create MORE VICTIMS.

Don’t Try Human Rights At Home

From the famous American lexicon, “Don’t try this at home, kids”, I have learnt my own American story, “Don’tEqual Human Rights - Father try to give human rights at home“. As a human being, regardless of our race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, religion, nationality, caste, creed, and other etc etc, we are FIRST a human being. It is natural to feel compassion for a fellow human being and sometimes as individuals are faced with deep moral, ethical, and legal question about “human rights”. In cases where the laws itself fall short in “human rights”, do not try to do so on your own within the confines of your home. It may boomerang and falsely project you as a devil for personal gains of others. For example, if you believe gay marriage should be legal but its not yet, then the right answer is to fight and wait for equal laws. Do not BREAK the law and marry and present a fraud marriage certificate and claiming it as a legal marriage. In the long term, it will NOT help you. Also other gays wanting to marry and who are honest will not get their rights. Worse, your children may be placed in LEGAL LIMBO and punished inadvertently for crimes they did not commit.

Two Sides Of The Same Coin

A person who tries to show by action “human rights” at home where laws itself falls short is also a person who is an activist by nature. Its in their DNA. They are two sides of the same coin. The point is you cannot REMOVE the activist from a person who strongly believes in human rights.

Be the Change You Want to See in the World” – Mahatma Gandhi

The right answer is to petition the government in a democratic forum and ask for change in laws, not break the laws. The right answer is to be allowed an opportunity to say the truth to your kids as age appropriate. The right answer is to say the truth with compassion and show independence with love. That way every participant’s human rights and respect for basic human dignity and respect are maintained. If they can fight for other people’s human rights in their own way in the confines of their home in secrecy, they can ALSO fight for their own human rights. And the fight only gets stronger when innocent, voiceless children are involved. And the fight get even stronger when the innocent, voiceless children are your own.

Degree Of Abuse

While morality and ethics cannot be enforced, can prevailing laws be enforced? And if degree of abuse is a scale to be used in imparting justice and relief for the victims, it is important to consider all the facts of the case.

1) We have every sympathy for an intersex person and our action speaks louder than words. It is a miracle to be still alive after being left for dead. Before you speak up, please show your credentials and experience in dealing as a young, male, spouse caregiver AND and international IVF father to show authority in your message. Just like being gay is a personal but having EQUAL gay rights is a public policy issue. Similarly, being married to an intersex person and NOT reporting the fraud is personal but having EQUAL rights for spouse of intersex and international IVF father is a public policy issue. Incidentally, a spouse of gay is also gay so both are affected equally by gay rights or lack thereof. What about rights of a spouse of intersex? Being in love with someone is personal but being “legally married” to someone is a public policy issue.

2) Being intersex is by birth meaning it is NOT in their control but being honest or lie about it in a sacred relationship like marriage is in their control. To lie, cheat, and fraud unsuspecting spouses is completely in their control. Regardless of a straight or gay or intersex or lesbian relationship, any relationship built on a foundation of lies is bound to fail not because you are intersex or gay or straight but because it was lying to the person you claimed to love. Is this love? Is this love? Is this love that I am feeling? Or is it abuse? An unsuspecting young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex was placed in the situation because of another human beings actions Vs. an intersex person’s condition is natural. Which is a degree of greater abuse?

3) Education and awareness is spreading about intersex. Secrecy, lies and stigma are bigger culprits. There are more and more advocacy groups and support groups who are petitioning for equal laws. The point is an intersex person has an “outlet” to voice their concerns and issues. Where are the support groups and advocacy groups for a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex AND international IVF father to lend a “voice” for their issues and concerns and the inadequacy of the prevailing laws?

The specific list of abuses can be provided upon request both against the spouse and the children. We support equal rights for intersex but this is NO way to do it involving gross abuse of others rights especially innocent, voiceless children. Other intersex people who are being honest and living truthfully are leading the way for EQUAL intersex rights.

A Decade of Secrecy and Lying

“I am gay and I am proud.” If its OK to say that for a man, is it OK to say, “I am an IVF father and I am proud”?LoverNotFighter There are certain secrets that we take with us when we die if not for selfish reasons then to save someone else. But does that mean those “secrets” should be used as a WEAPON against you and worse, as a WEAPON against your innocent children? Or should such people be censored and silenced? What could be the possible motives behind “sushing” people, otherwise known as oppression and abuse. The common theme is whenever fighting for social justice, first the minority is abused and silenced and later given their EQUAL rights while in the meantime several INNOCENTS suffer. Eventually, the TRUTH makes it out and always finds a way. It takes courage to say the truth and stand behind the truth against all adversities. Thanks to the strong values instilled by parents, I am still alive after the heinous and horrific torture and abuse for a decade. Let us see if truth continues the same or provides a ray of hope for me and my innocent IVF children? No one is saying that a life of an intersex and infertile person is NOT traumatic but to use secrecy, lies, threats and abuse as a weapon to perpetrate crimes against unsuspecting, innocent is far worse. We are sympathetic to the intersex person both in words and action but having our children in LEGAL LIMBO is far WORSE. It is SECRECY AND LYING the real culprits. What we are seeking is a solution as a way forward, not a continuation of secrecy and lies of the past. To the medical community who actively participates in this secrecy and lying which is a CRIME, walk in our shoes for one day to understand the repurcusions of secrecy and lying making victims out of innocent intersex people, families of intersex people and lives of innocent children. While their hearts may be in the right place, their decisions are NOT.

Victimized Children

Had the two innocent IVF siblings NOT BEEN SPLIT, this story may have never made it out. Granted, the FACTS are very unique, and one has to ask themselves, can this be a happenstance or for FACTS to be so TWISTED, was it pre-meditated to SPLIT the IVF children? I want IVF children to be in NO LEGAL LIMBO so they can ENJOY EQUAL PROTECTION UNDER THE LAW. Is it wrong for a parent to want EQUAL rights for their children?

We are dealing with a TRIPLE WHAMMY – intersex, infertility, immigration but ABOVE ALL we are dealing with secrecy, lies, fraud, abuse, and threats. We simply CANNOT abandon an innocent child, we have to fight for TRUTH. If you have a case precedence, please do let us know, we are all ears.

Historically, slaves were tried to be “sushed” but they got liberty, women suffrage was not welcome initially but they got liberty (and some may say, there is still ways to go for equal rights for women), same result with civil rights and apartheid, end to colonialism including where leaders like Mahatma Gandhi was tried for “sedition charges”, the infamous “baby scoop era” only to apologize later, the gay rights movement still under way. Then we have IVF (infertility) and intersex. To truly understand this case, one would have to “fast forward” a few decades. In the meantime, there are VICTIMS who are suffering because of SECRECY AND LIES and the resulting crimes from the lies.

People who are infertile are DESPERATE to have a child and may present fraud documents or kidnap children or even KILL people to have a child at any and all costs. People who are seeking JUSTICE continue to speak the TRUTH without HARMING anyone because they understand the POWER OF TRUTH…it may take time, but TRUTH prevails, there is NO need to harm, defame, lay false allegations, abuse, silence, threaten anyone.

Core Issue – Truth

One can see why an infertile and intersex person wants to defame, lay false allegations, commit perjury, fraud, abuse, alienation, and other crimes just so that they can have control of an innocent IVF child. If you TRULY LOVE a child, you would teach them TRUTH with COMPASSION. The issue is neither intersex NOR infertility (IVF) but LYING, FRAUD, ABUSE and complete DISREGARD for the LAWS. And then wanting to censor and silence the TRUTH for selfish gains. How will other intersex people BENEFIT by staying silent? How will other binational immigrant infertile parents who may use IVF BENEFIT by staying silent? The right answer is education and spreading awareness and getting EQUAL rights.

Years ago breast cancer or cancer in general was considered TABOO and created more confusion by the secrecy surrounding it. Today, education and awareness has NOT only changed it but also we celebrate both the cancer patient and caregiver. If a gay couple are madly in love with each other in 1960s, would they go to a different country and get a “marriage certificate” and present it in the US as a “valid marriage certificate” knowing fully well its fraudulent. Even if the couple “gets by”, does it HELP the gay rights cause? Or is it better to advocate and get EQUAL rights and wait to get married. Just ask the thousands of “same-sex” couple getting married LEGALLY in 2012, 2013 and so on…

Change For the Future

I am an IVF parent and I am proud. I want my IVF children to know the truth, not learn secrecy and lying. After a DECADE of secrecy and lying, I have learnt that more than helping anyone, it punishes innocent VICTIMS. Lets get into the SOCIAL JUSTICE by education and advocacy. It may take time like other social justice issues of the past but its the RIGHT thing to do. In the meantime, if I am to be censored or oppressed or abused, it is NOTHING new of how humanity DEALS WITH CHANGE. Has history taught us something or are we still as RIGID to CHANGE? Time will tell.

The Three I’s – Intersex, IVF, Immigration

If you had to narrow down the case into three things – the three “I”s, they are Intersex, IVF (infertility), Immigration. Historically IVFRightsand still true as we speak, all three areas are dealt with secrecy and lying including instances where laws are broken claiming “greater good” or humanitarian reasons. This case is a few decades or maybe a few centuries ahead of us. For example, women suffrage came at the beginning of 20th century but ask around and you will get the real pulse whether “equal rights” for women exist or not anywhere in the world now? The point is it takes decades if not centuries when it comes to issues of social justice. The BIGGER point is these kind of issues span generations and so an individual can spend an entire lifetime and still have NOTHING to show for it. But does that mean the HUMAN SPIRIT should be bottled up or let freedom ring? There is a TRIPLE WHAMMY in this case and all with issues of secrecy, lying, fraud, abuse, threats, crimes in the name of “greater good”. There is a fourth “I” and the fourth whammy, albeit the most important one and the sole reason for speaking up.

The Fourth “I”

The fourth “I” is INVISIBLE. Because of secrecy and lies, the laws are lacking in each case and the individuals affected by these scenarios are largely “invisible” in the eyes of the law. So how do we get JUSTICE and RELIEF for the VICTIMS when they are “invisible” in the eyes of law? Placing individuals and that too innocent children in a situation of LEGAL LIMBO is far worse than the condition itself. This case forces one to discuss ALL the “I”s simultaneously let alone any one single issue. “Uphill task” seems like a small word rather climbing Mt. Everest in January seems more appropriate – Death is inevitable. But the HUMAN SPIRIT is such it wants to persevere for TRUTH. It wants to at least TRY for the sake of innocent IVF children – the most vulnerable of vulnerable. Let DEATH come whether literally or through oppression, silence, false penalties, etc. – TRUTH cannot be stopped. The TRUTH MUST come out. Since this is a generational long fight, only the TRUTH will survive and eventually will offer a SOLUTION (equal laws).

End Secrecy with Truth and Respect

If you were to take any one issue at a time – be it intersex or IVF or Immigration, its a controversial topic by itself. Add to that the complexity of secrecy and lying and as a result one spends MORE TIME in defending the LIES rather than working towards a solution. As the saying goes, one lie leads to a thousand lies. If a person has committed Immigration fraud, they are NOT going to volunteer that information. If a person is intersex, they are NOT going to volunteer that information although more people are being honest realizing its the right way to go. By staying silent, their rights are being violated. If you are IVF, you do not even know what it means until you are 14-18. Too LATE to ask for ANY rights by then. That is assuming your parent or your guardian is HONEST with you. It is possible to start a whole new cycle of secrecy and lies again- the WORST thing to do to an innocent child. Regardless of what the solutions are for intersex, IVF, Immigration, by discussing the issues faced, we can end the secrecy with truth and respect.

Whether you are liberal or conservative,
Whether you are pro-life or pro-choice,
Whether you are pro-immigration or anti-immigration,
Whether you are pro-IVF or anti-IVF,
Whether you are pro-adoption or anti-adoption,
Whether you agree in same-sex marriage equality or opposed to it,

the FUNDAMENTAL issue is TRUTH. When you are presented with decisions in life from your conscience,

Will you choose TRUTH or SECRECY and LIES?
Will you SACRIFICE innocent children or UPHOLD their rights?
Will you fight to get RELIEF for VICTIMS or VICTIMIZE innocent, unsuspecting people?
Will you BREAK the LAWS or RESPECT the LAWS?
And where LAWS fall short, will you fight to get NEW LAWS or BREAK the LAWS and silence any voice against the TRUTH?

Where is the “greater good” in deliberately placing innocent children in LEGAL LIMBO? That directly results in taking AWAY their LEGAL rights.

IVF Untouchables

Untouchability is a crime. Mahatma Gandhi fought and advocated against untouchability. Today, a victimized IVF IVF untouchablefather and his victimized IVF children have become IVF untouchables. No one wants to provide a solution to the case because its too complicated. Instead it is easier to lie and fraud an IVF father because he is male. It is easier to say a thousand lies to hide ONE lie. No one wants to hear the truth because its too ghastly.  No one wants to “touch” the rights of a “father” issue…the society is not ready yet. No one wants to define the rights of a “male” who is a victim of domestic violence. The society is not ready to accept gay marriages yet. In a gay marriage, there is “no woman”. What if there is domestic violence or abuse in a gay marriage, are the men protected? What if there is a child in a gay marriage through IVF, is there a “legal mother”? What matters is the “love” for the child and NOT the gender of the parent. Its easy to say these words but very hard to translate into reality like having LAWS. And that’s the beginning of the untouchability story of IVF siblings.

While we are struggling as a society to give EQUAL rights to gays, lesbians, intersex, what about EQUAL rights for IVF children and families? Do they have to wait a century before the issue “precipitates” enough to have a critical mass? Do they live in DENIAL and IVF untouchability till then with UNEQUAL rights based on gender of their genetic parent? In a democracy, the rights of a minority can only be secured by educating and spreading awareness to the majority even though the “minority issues” may not affect them. Unless the majority understands the FACTS and the TRUTH, how can they make a decision on the “EQUAL rights of a minority“?

Stay tuned…more coming on life as IVF untouchables.

Charity Begins At Home, Change Begins At Home

“Arise, Awake, Don’t stop until you achieve your goal” – Swami VivekanandaNazi Intersex IVF History

Dealing with two highly sensitive and women dominated areas of caregiving and infertility, the 21st century presents some unique challenges. This maybe a first but definitely NOT the last. Change is a very difficult thing for anyone. The toughest thing about societal change is changing oneself.

Looking for an Erin Brockowich or “Pam Landy” from the movie “The Bourne Ultimatum”. Anyone willing to give it ALL to uncover the TRUTH and provide relief to the VICTIMS?

Change Caregiver Rights

Think it would be safe to assume that we all agree that family caregiving is an altruistic calling and hard to capture in words. Parents are caregivers for their child but doubt if anyone ever considers it charity rather its a privilege. Children when they grow up will care for their aging parents but doubt if they want to monetize it as a paid event. Although, some aging parents do insist on paying their children for caring for them. Same thing but to a lesser extent is also true for sibling caregivers provided you are lucky enough to have siblings. What about spouse caregivers? While family caregiving is neither paid NOR charity, it does place the burden on us as a society to ALSO protect the basic human rights of a caregiver starting with truth and acceptance of facts. Just like family caregiving begins at HOME, the overarching societal change begins with oneself first (our personal HOME).

As a family caregiver like other 65.7 Million Americans and over a Billion+ across the globe, getting equal caregiver rights in the 21st century is a necessary change. Mothers who are perennial caregivers among others can attest to the toll their personal health takes but they do it regardless because of the biology with their child. If non-biological caregivers are paid for their services, should non-biological family caregivers like spouses ALSO be paid? Maybe not paid monetarily but at least have their RIGHTS protected? Because a caregiver is paid, if they experience any abuse, violence, injury, trauma while ON THE JOB, it is covered by workers compensation. But if the same things are done to a non-biological family caregiver like spouse, there is NO protection? What we are asking for is protection of basic human rights of a caregiver from a myriad of sources – patient, medical community, patient’s family, anyone else closely familiar with the situation. Just like NOT stopping to provide assistance to a VICTIM of an accident is a CRIME, why is NOT providing assistance to a VICTIM of caregiving not a CRIME? Most family caregivers become one by accident and due to the circumstances of the family. One simply does not leave a loved one alone. The “VICTIMIZATION” here is not the patient but a SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES beyond the patient’s control. The silence of the medical community, other family members who choose NOT to help, and so on. The FACT is there is a VICTIM, rather than discussing who the perpetrators are and playing a blame game, let us FOCUS on the solution which is to HELP the VICTIM. In most cases, VICTIM is both the patient and the caregiver. This is a necessary change based on human rights. Creating new patients out of perfectly healthy individuals is NOT healthy medicine.

Change Infertility Rights

For ages, bearing children has been the birth right of women. As a result, LAWS for a child are closely TIED to laws of a mother. Infertility is as OLD as being able to have children. As new fertility techniques started popping up, fertility treatments were RESERVED for heterosexual couples, then it was OPENED for single women. The prevailing laws for CHILDREN being TIED closely to mothers was still valid. Gays or single men or intersex were largely SHUT OUT from fertility treatments because of “societal unacceptance”. Now the CHANGE has come and gays, single men, intersex can opt for fertility treatments like IVF. However, the LAWS have still not caught up and rights of a CHILD are closely TIED to a woman. Should gays be allowed to have children through IVF? Should intersex families be allowed to have children through IVF? History will answer that. In the meantime, we need LAWS to catch up with technology like IVF in the best interest of the children. We NEED laws to support the rights of an IVF child with NO LEGAL MOTHER. It is NOT about taking away rights from a woman or mother, it is about protecting the fundamental and basic human rights and dignity of an innocent, voiceless IVF child. Unlike unwanted pregnancies where children may be abandoned, IVF pregnancies are very planned and deliberate. Why be forced to ABANDON an IVF child due to lack of laws?

Change with Truth and Compassion

One can NEVER be EQUAL to a mother. I know, I love my mother. By holding onto age old ideas about parentage, motherhood, infertility rights, are we withholding rights of an innocent, voiceless IVF child? The important thing to understand is that the primary care provider should be protected regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, or otherwise. From the perspective of the child, the only thing they understand is LOVE. There are women who have told me how dare I suggest about splitting the rights of a mother and a child? I shudder to ask them if they support gays or single men or intersex who may be equally loving to have children? The hardest thing about change is changing oneself. Change begins at home (oneself).

The goal is to accept change is constant and is inevitable. Are you ready for change in the 21st century?

Why DENY a father and IVF son to be together?

“It is better to beg forgiveness, than ask permission.” ― Grace Murray HopperHonesty

“It is better to fight for EQUAL rights, than break the LAWS and create innocent victims.”

“Repeated pattern of lying creates multiple victims aside from breaking laws”

Looking for an Erin Brockowich or “Pam Landy” from the movie “The Bourne Ultimatum”. Anyone willing to give it ALL to uncover the TRUTH and provide relief to the VICTIMS?

What MORE could a father have done to force him to live WITHOUT his IVF son?

We did show ultimate compassion but in return we are left with existential issues like securing LEGAL RIGHTS for an IVF child with “NO LEGAL MOTHER”. As a left behind IVF father with a stranded and abandoned IVF daughter in a state of LEGAL LIMBO is left to look for answers like getting her a valid birth certificate, a valid passport, a valid school admission, and so on and on. All the while, the IVF father is living in separation from his IVF son in the US who he cannot see and participate with as he is growing up. The victimization and trauma is mind-numbing. It is one thing to victimize the spouse of intersex but its completely different to victimize innocent IVF children with LIES and breaking the LAWS. We want compassion and truth for our IVF children – IVF siblings deliberately separated.

It is a FACT that there was every INTENT to provide a sibling for the IVF child. If the agreement for IVF was combined, why did the other intended parent not show up at time of birth of IVF child? Why not fulfill the “intent” to provide a sibling? What if the IVF child was brought back to the USA first and then the vicious divorce was filed, would the IVF siblings have been together? As an IVF father in 2013 left with an abandoned IVF child with “NO LEGAL MOTHER”, it is important to speak up for the IVF child’s rights. Even if the “legal mother” had died at birth or a divorce was granted with NO rights of the “legal mother” to the child or any such situation of a “natural born child”, the innocent child would NOT be in a LEGAL LIMBO. The IVF case make it “special” because the laws see it that way, the LAWS make a distinction between an IVF child and a natural born child. A spouse of intersex becomes an IVF father DIRECTLY as a cause of showing compassion to an intersex and NOT because he is infertile. Today, he is left alone picking up the pieces of a dysfunctional intersex marriage. Worse, his IVF children have become ping pong balls in 2013. Maybe by 2113, the EQUAL laws we seek will have arrived. So is it the children’s fault to be born ahead of their times? Is it the IVF father’s fault to show compassion ahead of our times? Let truth prevail so justice can prevail.

It is better to ask for forgiveness than permission

1) While lying (and ask for permission later) may be valid in so many “typical” cases in both personal and professional lives, is it valid when it involves breaking the laws? As a spouse, we may have splurged a little once in a while either on us or on your loved one even though the family finances maybe in ruins. You ask for forgiveness later. As a co-worker, we may have given a commitment for a project deadline without consulting ALL the members of the team but understanding that the project is high profile and when the “bonus” arrives, we ask for forgiveness later. The list can go on. Was there a minor “violation” of the other individuals “right to know”, sure but will they forgive? Were any LAWS broken? Were there any innocent VICTIMS?

2) An intersex person knows about their medical condition at least by puberty. And if it is also prevalent in the family and a gynecologist is in the family, an intersex person and their family knows about their condition at least by the time they are an adult. Is this something they should inform a potential spouse or lie to them and beg for forgiveness later? Besides, intersex marriages are considered illegal meaning by hiding the FACTS from the potential spouse, one has now made him BREAK the law unknowingly. While the intersex person is in the know all the while. Is that fraud? Is that a crime?

3) Sadly for several decades, the medical community has institutionalized a complex web of secrecy and lies to deal with intersex. As a spouse of intersex and a victim, secrecy and lies are a failed approach. As a human being, all we ask is truth and transparency. Do NOT complicate the matters by justifying lies as “greater good”. Sit in the middle of the eye of the storm and then judge. Is falsifying medical records wrong by asking forgiveness later? Is it a crime? What are the implications on innocent victims by a false medical record? What if the victims are innocent children? Where is the “greater good”?

4) Inadvertently or deliberately, after decades of brainwashing (for lack of a better term), the medical system has justified its lying and somehow taught the innocent intersex individuals and families that its OK to lie and cheat the system. They even provide them “valid” medical documents to perpetrate the fraud. The documents may be “valid” because the fraud is institutionalized but is NOT factual. Sadly, the lying becomes part of an intersex person’s life. And regardless of being intersex or not, LYING is NOT a good foundation to begin ANY relationship. Trust and love are good foundations for a strong relationship. The medical establishment has created VICTIMS out of intersex persons and directly made victims out of spouse of intersex and their IVF children.

5) In a repeated pattern of lying and a pattern of being rewarded by the “system” by justifying the lying and breaking the laws, the intersex person now moves  on to separate an innocent child from his only known biological family and his primary care provider, his father at the time. Even worse, in the thirst to have a child at ANY and ALL costs, an innocent IVF sibling is stranded and abandoned in a state of LEGAL LIMBO. A future of the innocent child is held in a LEGAL LIMBO all because an infertile person wanted a child at any and all costs. Worse, the innocent grandparents of the IVF child are forced into raising an infant as they are aging which directly affects their health and further increasing the count of number of victims. The spouse of the intersex and an IVF father is torn between two IVF children – one in the US while the other in India and is made a REPEAT VICTIM of lies. A movie in the 1980s, Sophie’s choice, comes to mind how a mother was tragically placed in an awful situation by the Nazi to pick one child over the other.

Help and Support For Children with “NO LEGAL MOTHER”

If a man leaves a woman midway through pregnancy, there are laws and social organizations who come to the rescue of the innocent child and mother. Where are the LAWS and social organizations to the rescue of the innocent child and father when a man is left midway through pregnancy? Does the child have LESS needs? Clearly, we are dealing with multiple issues here. In the future, when gay marriages and children of gay couples where “NO MOTHER” exists becomes “typical”, only then we will get such laws and later social organizations who fight for EQUAL rights of such people. Currently, there is a “social unacceptance” of men being the primary care provider like single mothers were “socially unacceptable” during the baby scoop era. US has shown tolerance (dont like the word but cannot find a better word to describe) on social issues first with abolishing slavery, women suffrage, voting rights, civil rights, interracial marriage, now gay marriage is in a transition. When will intersex and spouse of intersex and IVF children and their issues allowed to be discussed openly to get EQUAL rights?

Years ago, a subtle movement started in the US. Toys like Barbie dolls, Superheroes, etc. started coming in African American figurines. It showed acceptance at a corporate level to the differing diaspora of the community in the US. As acceptance grew socially and years later, USA elected its first African American President. I am certain there were worthy African American individuals who existed before worthy of becoming a President but the TIME WAS NOT RIGHT. Today, the “social acceptance” is parenting = motherhood and there is no other parent. I shudder to think what women feel about gay parents where there is “NO LEGAL MOTHER”? In this special case of IVF children, there is “NO LEGAL MOTHER”, so how do such children get EQUAL rights? As gay marriages move forward and social acceptance of children being raised by gay fathers or single fathers where there is “NO MOTHER”, let us hope similar subtle changes in social behavior and more importantly laws will come. Who is the “mother” between two genetic males? Somehow, “infertility treatment” is ONLY affecting women and men who go through IVF have NO FEELINGS for the IVF child and several months (sometimes years) of sleepless nights, trauma, anxiety, prayers, and so on DOES NOT affect IVF fathers? Where are the experts on “human rights” advocating for EQUAL rights for ALL? The point is NOT fathers or mothers are BETTER, the point is give CREDIT where CREDIT is due given the family situation. 

Do we forgive or follow the LAWS in the best interest of the innocent, voiceless victims? Do we continue the victimization or provide relief to the victims? Has lying and secrecy helped anyone? Will truth and honesty help including securing EQUAL rights for IVF children and families for future generations?

It is better to fight for EQUAL rights, than break the LAWS and create innocent victims.

IVF and Beyond

As a proud IVF father, one gets used to the constant “questioning” of ability as a parent. Just like a typical Looking Aheadparent, I want nothing more than a “legal status” for my IVF children because if you have legal status that means you have rights and if you have rights then they are protected. With legal status in limbo, how can we begin to even address the atrocities? It is one thing to victimize me because I dared to be different as a male but totally different when you abuse and violate my children, now you have woken up the lion in me or should I say the “lioness” in me to get the point across? Being abused as a male by a spouse maybe uncommon but failure to report the abuse and crimes by male spouses is common. Worse, a male parent may also fail to report the abuse and crimes against a child. That does NOT mean the abuse did not occur against the child or the male spouse. When I see my IVF daughter today, I know she saved me and NOT abandoning her was and is the right decision. She is NOT a “commodity” to be discarded like property but is a living, breathing human being with respect for basic human decency and her rights as a human. Her tender kiss and smiles also remind me to NEVER have this occur to anyone ever again. She is voiceless and innocent and does not understand that her legal status is in a legal limbo meaning her rights are at stake. But her living, breathing being full of smiles, energy and chutzpah is SCREAMING for EQUAL rights and just be treated as a “typical” human being with human rights and its protection. I used to play and “buzz” with my little IVF son, to infinity and beyond…our lives has taken us to a path of to IVF and beyond.

What is the Beyond about?

While several people struggle, may end up giving up, we are lucky to have been “successful” with the several IVF cycles and blessed with two lovely IVF children. Now what?

The “beyond” is about regardless of your stance on pro or anti IVF, or children MUST have legal mother to have EQUAL rights, or “socially acceptable” parents based on gender (read as women) and on and on, now the IVF children are born in this world, do they have EQUAL rights or not? Regardless whether they are born to gay men or single men or spouse of intersex. The ” beyond” is about acquiescing the facts that in the 21st century there will be more men whether gay, single, or spouse of intersex who will be equally loving of their children without a “legal mother”, will such children have EQUAL rights and protection as other children?

Why is it important to UNITE IVF siblings?

For the same reasons why separating innocent children from their biological mothers during the baby scoop era was wrong. The innocent children were forced into adoption because their only fault was they were born to a “single mother” which was “socially unacceptable” at the time. Have we moved the cheese now and is the only fault of IVF children being separated from their biological parent because the parent is a male which is “socially unacceptable” today? Sadly there are truth and reconciliation commissions today after decades seeking the truth and even apologizing but can the lost childhoods ever be restored? When will we move “beyond” this?

The standard gauge that prevailing laws apply is there violence and abuse of a child? Is the child getting food, shelter, clothing, toys, education, development? There is nothing standard about binational immigrant dysfunctional intersex family. The only consistency is secrecy and lies.

If the same “standard gauge” is applied then why are governments apologizing to the children and biological parents of the baby scoop era? Did the adoptive parents abuse the child? Did the adoptive parents not provide the “standard” things for a child? There is something bigger.

If the same “standard gauge” is applied then why was Sean Goldman reunited with his biological father? Were the biological grandparents not providing for the “standard” things for a child? There is something bigger.

Recently, a horror story came out of Ohio where allegedly Mr. Castro  allegedly kidnapped and raped and may have even fathered a child with one of the victims. He provided food, shelter, clothes, and even took the child to the park like a typical parent. As an IVF father, if I ever have an opportunity to ask Ms. Berry, I would ask her did Mr. Castro provide all the “standard” things to a child as a parent? Clearly it offends our humanity because there is something bigger here.

The something “bigger” in each case is simple – truth and doing the right thing.

Anything based on a foundation of lies hurts the child – simple. No matter how we try to justify or legalize to validate our actions, truth is above all that and far more powerful. Do the right thing.

Looking Beyond

Nothing against parents of natural born children but experiencing infertility or dysfertility and it’s associated trauma makes a mark on any human. Gender does not matter. Just ask any gay parent or single IVF parent or infertile couple. However, parents who physically look male are discriminated against because we are “socially unacceptable”. Worse, our children are discriminated because of a parent’s gender. Is it time to speak up for the sake of children?

As a proud IVF father, there are people who want to censure me or shut me up or disallow me to claim being an IVF father. Implicitly, they are also taking away rights of my IVF children and so many other IVF children yet to be born. In a world where my parenting is constantly questioned based on my physical appearance as a male, some women have even told me that the IVF child is better off with a person who looks female. I shudder to ask them what they think about gay parents or single male parents since there is NO “female” around? It also so happens that none of these women have experienced infertility. I get a very different response from women who have experienced infertility or dysfertility.

Secrecy and lies were used to abuse me and violate my rights. The same secrecy and lies is now being used to violate my IVF children’s rights. NO MORE. This is much BIGGER. The lesson today is that showing compassion was wrong and the secrecy is being used against us and our innocent children. If a human being does not respect their own human rights, how can they expect others including laws to respect their human rights? If IVF parents don’t respect our IVF parenthood, how can we expect others to respect it? And implicitly rights of our IVF children.

I Have A Dream…

I have a dream that someday IVF children and families will have EQUAL rights and NOT be a slave or hostage to infertility. Infertility is very traumatic, why continue the burden onto innocent, voiceless IVF children after they are born due to unequal laws? I have a dream that someday I will be able to say to my IVF children the TRUTH about their birth without any stigma or REQUIRING a court order to say the TRUTH. I have a dream that someday I will be allowed to CELEBRATE IVF with my IVF children instead of SUPPRESSING the FACTS and LYING and CENSORSHIP. I have a dream that someday the ONLY thing that matters is TRUTH.

Looking Ahead…

Infertility is very traumatic but is it so traumatic that you victimize others for it? Infertile people are victims of Brother-Sisternature while innocent children and their biological parents who are separated are victims of humans. Humans who choose to lie, cheat, fraud, commit crimes at any cost because they are desperate for a child. It’s a cycle of abuse.

Parents of infertile children should not teach their children to lie instead help them deal with infertility in an honest and open manner.

Parents of intersex children should not teach their intersex children to lie instead help them deal with intersexuality with truth, especially with their spouses. If an intersex person wants to keep their issues private, they should not victimize other humans by lying, cheating and frauding them.

Parents of intersex children and intersex people should advocate for equal rights of intersex to marry instead of lying and getting married illegally. As a spouse of intersex, we have to deal with repurcusions of an illegal intersex marriage.

Our IVF children have LESS rights. If you follow legal process, parents of a natural born child or legally adopted child have proper legal paperwork including birth certificate, passport and all other related identity documents. Most importantly, because they have legal documents, they have a legal identity, they have legal rights. When a child is recognized legally only then their child rights and human rights can be protected. How do you protect rights of a child who is NOT A LEGAL ENTITY?

Victims in an lying intersex family are left in a no mans land of laws. Neither here, nor there. As Tony Briffa (a honest and truthful intersex person) puts it, feels neither man nor woman. If you are honest like Tony Briffa is, one cannot abuse, victimize others. Lying, cheating, fraud creates victims and that too voiceless children. Tony Briffa has also adopted children legally because he is honest without making defamatory, false statements against the biological parent or alienating the innocent child from his parent and sibling.

Recently, Mr. Castro was caught in a complex crime of kidnapping and apparently has also fathered a child with his kidnapped victim, Ms. Berry. If an opportunity presents, it would be interesting to know how Ms. Berry felt that the father of her daughter took interest to take the little girl out to the park or for walks like “typical” parents do. Looking after the little girl’s needs like food, shelter, clothes, toys, education, development and so on. Does that make him a good parent?

What is hidden is the lies and a thousand lied to hide one lie. And regardless of love for the child, a foundation of lies only reveals the hidden abuse. Worse, an infertile parent may even claim abuse by the fertile parent if they feel insecure about losing custody of the child. Sadly, this is an easy way to manipulate the legal system and wrestle the child away from a male parent. Even worse, an infertile parent may even separate a victimized child from his only known biological family including the sibling the child wanted. What are the rights of the innocent, voiceless children? What are the rights of an innocent spouse caregiver of intersex and an IVF father? Are they victims of lying intersex or are they victims because they tried to help an infertile person? Intersex and infertility are victims of nature, what about innocent IVF children and spouse who are victims of lying intersex?

I have a dream that IVF children like mine and all others have EQUAL rights, we have a legal status. Is that normal to want for any parent? If children with Down’s syndrome, Asperger’s syndrome, cystic fibrosis and others have advocacy groups, why can’t IVF children have an advocacy group to have equal rights? How can we spread awareness and educate others if we are not allowed to share the truth and facts? In a democracy, a minority like ours can only get equal rights with help and support of majority which is through sharing the facts. Are we allowed to say the truth to get equal rights or will be silenced? And before we are silenced, please review our achievements in one year of coming out which is a greater good for all. We know we are looking ahead, we just need to convince others that secrecy and lying is a failed approach and is selfish. Truth and sharing helps build laws and equality for the future – values we can inculcate in our children starting with innocent IVF siblings.

Whether an intersex person wants to come out or not is their choice. As a spouse of intersex, we want equal rights for intersex like marry legally. A spouse of gay is gay and spouse of lesbian is lesbian who have freedom and equal rights as their spouse to advocate for equal rights, then spouse of intersex should have equal rights too? Or was it a crime to marry an intersex person? And the punishment is continued silence and abuse and victimization with no rights. We are very happy that Ms. Berry, her daughter and the other two victims were rescued from their cycle of abuse, silence and trauma after a decade. We are hoping it’s not another decade for us and our IVF children before being freed from a vicious cycle of abuse, silence and trauma.

Truth – Best Interest of the Child?

Through the ages, there have been several famous words said relating to truth.IVFChildren

“Truth shall set you free” to “Truth always prevails” and so on. Never before in history, transparency and truth have been challenged they way they are now because of the advent of internet. Previously what may take decades or a lifetime or even centuries to NEVER, facts and truth could be hidden or manipulated and delayed. What one person knows as facts in one corner of earth had a precipitous mountain to climb – an uphill battle to share the facts, the knowledge with everyone. Now with internet, there is a medium to share the facts easily with everyone. Surely, with an information explosion, maybe no one reads or no one cares if they read but the facts are out there. So for how long can one HIDE the facts?

Truth – Allows for HELP and SUPPORT

People with children who may have autism or cystic fibrosis or Down’s syndrome or Asperger’s syndrome and so on have special needs. Most parents who have such children are a “minority” even if combined when compared to ALL parents with children. Through activism, sharing of FACTS and TRUTH, today we are at a stage when we allow “normalcy”. These “minority” parents were allowed to OPENLY shares, discuss their innocent children’s needs, their needs and today we have help and support groups. We even have laws now where we no longer use the word “retard” even though it existed in the medical literature previously. This is reflective of activism by PARENTS and being allowed to share with the population as a whole. Through education, spreading awareness, sharing of truth and facts, the parents were able to secure EQUAL rights for their children and more importantly make us a better community as a whole. The best part is the innocent, voiceless CHILDREN have EQUAL RIGHTS. There are still remnants of the past where people who have not been touched by the TRUTH and FACTS continue to behave in ignorance.

So is TRUTH better or LIES and CENSORSHIP? Are EQUAL RIGHTS for all better or OPPRESSION, HUMILIATION of others for benefit of ONE?

UnAmerican – LIES and HIDING the TRUTH

If parents of innocent, voiceless children with Asperger’s syndrome or Cystic Fibrosis, or autism or Tay-Sachs Syndrome or intersex are ALLOWED to speak up, share the truth and facts, then should IVF parents of IVF children have same rights? Or should they be FORCED to LIE and LIVE in SECRECY?

It is one thing to have classified documents where matters of national security are concerned. But to CENSOR talking about IVF children and their current plight of UNEQUAL rights is UnAmerican. America believes in the values of liberty and justice for all. It would be UnAmerican to force an IVF parent to LIE, CENSOR so that his IVF children are DENIED justice and liberty. The innocent, voiceless IVF children are far too young to understand the FACTS and give reasonable feedback on that. It seems like the fertile IVF parent is a slave to the infertile parent. Why not legally ADOPT? Why not follow the LAWS? Why NOT petition to the government to have EQUAL laws for infertile parents? Lying, cheating, fraud, crimes to acquire an innocent, voiceless child illegally is NOT in the best interest of the child. Teaching values of truth, compassion for fellow human beings are far GREATER values to teach innocent, voiceless children.

I have a dream that someday IVF children and families will have EQUAL rights and NOT be a slave or hostage to infertility. Infertility is very traumatic, why continue the burden onto innocent, voiceless IVF children after they are born due to unequal laws? I have a dream that someday I will be able to say to my IVF children the TRUTH about their birth without any stigma or REQUIRING a court order to say the TRUTH. I have a dream that someday I will be allowed to CELEBRATE IVF with my IVF children instead of SUPPRESSING the FACTS and LYING and CENSORSHIP. I have a dream that someday the ONLY thing that matters is TRUTH.

It is far easier to say the TRUTH than to wield a THOUSAND LIES to hide one LIE.